02x05 - The Sword in the Stoned

[bunniefuu]

["Everybody Needs A Best Friend"
by Norah Jones playing]

♪ My words are lazy ♪
♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪

♪ But this is one thing ♪
♪ I'm sure of ♪

♪ Everybody needs ♪
♪ A best friend ♪

♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪

[♪♪♪]

-Man. I can't believe we're
halfway through senior year.

-Yeah, time flies when you're
stoned fifteen hours a day.

-Everyone sure has changed
since we got here.

I mean,
Clive's even got a beard now.

Ted: He looks like Chuck Norris
quit karate

and started calling himself
Charles Norris.

-He looks like an admiral
who defies the President's order

to nuke a Russian sub.

-He looks like a man of letters

who sexually satisfied
Barbra Streisand in 1978.

-You know
who hasn't changed at all?

-Who?
-Me.

I'm the same f*cking loser I was
the day I walked in here.

You know,
I'm gonna go to college

having never had a girlfriend.

How f*cking lame is that?

-What about Bethany?

-No, I'm talking about,

like, a real relationship.

Everyone in school's
got it figured out, but not me.

I'm the last single guy left.

I mean,
the jocks have the cheerleaders.

Andrew's got Polly.

Even all the g*y kids
have carpal tunnel

from giving each other handjobs.

-I can't believe
Blue Cross covers that.

Hey, what about Erin?
She's single.

And remember, Susan told us
she's not a total b*tch.

-God, she's so f*cking hot.

Never happen, though.
She doesn't date dorks.

-Hey, you never know.

Maybe she's sick of guys
with lots of confidence,

chiseled jaws, and huge dicks.

-I'm too nervous
to even masturbate to her.

I get self-conscious
and I got performance anxiety.

Lately, I can only jerk off to
people who are lesser than me.

-Who?
-Lot of Tammy Faye Baker

and homeless women.

-Ah.

[♪♪♪]

-Hey, what about NYU?

-Don't pick nothing
too expensive.

-Don't worry, Matty.
John's not getting into college.

-Hey, why not? I got a 2.6.

-Colleges don't just look
at your grades.

They also consider
your extracurricular activities.

You have zero.

-Oh, my God. John, she’s right.

It says "Activities,"

and then there's
eight blank lines.

-Who the hell does
eight lines worth of stuff?

-Tim Allen.

-People who actually
go to college.

I mean, I did debate,
newspaper, swimming, volleyball.

-But John can't do
any of those things.

He's just a boy.

-I could swim
if there's an adult.

[♪♪♪]

-There's no way
to bullshit ourselves, Susan.

We're in real
financial trouble here.

-Well, you'll pull us through,
Matty. You always do.

-I don't know. Not this time.
We're not gonna--

We're not gonna
stay above water,

let alone pay for college

unless I find other work.

And you know
whose f*cking fault it is?

-Oh, please don't say
it's yours.

-Course not.

It's f*cking Clinton.

-Oh.
-Yeah. Why--

Why's he telling everybody

they should go to college
anyhow?

Like I want to blow
twenty-five grand

so my son can turn g*y?

-It should be cheaper
to do that.

-I always thought
John could get a job

or-- or get drafted like I did,

but there aren't even
any good wars.

-This whole thing's my fault.

I've been spending
like a society girl,

getting all my oil from Olay.

I can find cheaper sources.

-No. Don't ever say that.

You deserve the best skincare

that Filene's Basement
can offer.

I'll find a job
to pull us through to spring.

-I saw a deer today.

-I don't want to get involved.

[♪♪♪]

John: Jesus Christ.

This is what it takes
to get into college?

These all look f*cking awful.

-Math club?
-No.

-Lacrosse?
-No.

-Soccer?
-No.

-Astronomy?
-No.

-Did the Holocaust happen?

-No. Oh, wait! No!

-Ah, too late.
-No. No, man.

f*ck you.
-Too late, too late.

You're a monster.
I'm telling everybody.

-f*ck you.
Oh, hey, look at this.

"Audition for Camelot.
A Royal Delight!"

-Huh. What do you think?

-Well, if I try out,
would you audition with me?

-Sure.
-How hard could acting be?

I mean, John Travolta does it.

-Skeet Ulrich
makes a living at it.

-There's no way Tom Arnold
does something we can't do.

-Matt LeBlanc seems to get by.

-Someone's paying Kevin Costner.

-Christian Slater sticks around.

-There's always plenty
of Charlie Sheen.

-Craig T Nelson owns a house
from acting.

-I can act.
-You can act.

[♪♪♪]

-So, are you familiar
with this location?

-Yeah. My dad died in here.

-Oh. Sweet.

So why do you think
you're qualified to work

in a fast-paced environment
with real growth opportunities

like Dunkin' Donuts?

-I eat donuts
and I know what coffee is.

-That's basically it.
Welcome to the team.

It's $4.25 an hour plus tips.

-Do a lot of people give tips?

-It's never happened once,
but it might.

I should get you a shirt.

-Jesus Christ.
I gotta wear pink?

-Everybody does. It's how
the cops know who not to sh**t

if anything goes down.

Ah. We got a Marty.
That's close enough.

[piano playing]

-[singing off-key]
♪ Tell me how am I supposed ♪

♪ To live without you? ♪

♪ Now that I've been ♪
♪ Loving you so long ♪

♪ How am I supposed ♪
♪ To live without you? ♪

-Okay. Okay.

Thank you, Kenneth.
I think that's plenty.

Thank you. Um, you can go.

-Oh. Well, are you leaning
one way or the other

in regards to my inclusion
in the play?

-Cast list goes up on Monday.

-Okay. Thank you.

-Poor Kenneth. He auditions
for the play every year

and he never gets cast.

-Yeah, I overheard
Principal Bernard saying

they're worried about
his long term self-esteem

and they may have to sh**t him.

-Well, it's better than
letting him suffer.

-Yeah.

Hey, Johnny. Look.

[piano playing]

-Holy sh*t, it's Erin.

-♪ Kiss today goodbye ♪

♪ The sweetness ♪
♪ And the sorrow ♪

-f*ck, she sounds really great.

-And she's pretty,
so it means more.

-♪ Wish me luck ♪
♪ The same to you ♪

♪ Won't forget ♪
♪ Can't regret what I did ♪

-Hey, Teddy. If Erin and I
were both in the play,

then I would get to spend
every day with her.

[audience clapping]

-Erin, that was lovely.
Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Okay. John Benet.

-Oh, it's, um--
It's Bennett.

-Of course. Sorry.
I spent the summer in Paris.

Come on up.

-All right, buddy,
go f*ck 'em up.

-Okay.

I will be performing

the "Not without my daughter"
scene

from Not Without My Daughter.

[sniffs, clears throat]

Not without my daughter!

Thank you.

-Okay. Thank you.

Next, uh, Ted.

-Good job, man.
That was powerful.

Hi. Uh, Ted Bennett.
Two feet five inches.

I am locally based,
SAG eligible,

and I will not shave.

Okay, I will be performing
the theme from the Gummi Bears.

[theme music from Adventures
of the Gummi Bears playing]

♪ Dashing and daring ♪
♪ Courageous and caring ♪

♪ Faithful and friendly ♪
♪ With stories to share ♪

♪ All through the forest ♪
-[lip-syncing]

Ted:
♪ They sing out in chorus ♪

♪ Marching along ♪
♪ As their song fills the air ♪

♪ Gummi bears ♪

♪ Bouncing here and there ♪
♪ And everywhere ♪

♪ High adventure ♪
♪ That's beyond compare ♪

♪ They are the Gummi bears ♪

♪ They are the Gummi bears! ♪

Thank you very much.

-I have a question.

Have either one of you
ever seen a play before?

-No.
-No, we have not.

[♪♪♪]

John: Well, how much longer
do you think it'll be?

-I don't know. He said 10 a.m.

-Well, maybe we just leave
and come back later.

-Nah, this way,
we can beat the crowd.

Ah. Johnny, look.

-Okay, let's check it out.

-Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!

-What?
-Football jocks.

John: Oh, sh*t.
-What do we do?

-All right. All right,
here's what we do.

We walk by casually,

and we check the list
without stopping.

-Okay. Good plan.

-Here we go.

[students chattering
indistinctly]

Guard number one!

-Guard number two!

-Hey! They’re in the play!
-Get 'em!

-Oh, sh*t!
-[Ted whimpers]

John: sh*t!

[both whimpering]

John: Oh, my God!

-Oh, man, are they gonna get it.

-So can you understand
why what you did was wrong?

-I guess. I--

I mean, I'm still struggling
to understand

how our involvement in the play
affects you.

-Well, it's just,
when you're public about it,

and I see you doing something
like checking the cast list,

it puts me in a position
where I have to act.

-Where you have to
come beat us up.

Cameron: Exactly.

To see students
involved in the arts

is just really kind of
a nonstarter for me.

It makes me uncomfortable.
-All of us.

[jocks agreeing in unison]

-We're all uncomfortable.

And I just feel like
school should be

a non-threatening environment,

and we should feel safe.

-And our participation
in the play

makes you feel unsafe.

-Deeply. I mean,
that's all I'm saying.

And I just don't think
that's fair.

-I guess
when you put it that way.

-We were wrong.
-We were wrong. Yeah.

-I apologize. Yeah.
-Yeah. Me, too. I-- I--

The last thing we want to do is
make anyone feel uncomfortable.

-Okay, well, thank you
for understanding.

-Oh, no. God, don't mention it.

-[chuckles] I’ve had this go
so many different ways.

I've had to beat up
so many people

with so many diverse interests.

-Oh, listen,
we do not want to add

to your already
full plate. Really.

-I appreciate that.
-We'll be more discreet.

-Thank you. Really.

-Okay. You have a good day now.
-You, too.

-Thanks. And stay dry.

Looks like we might get
some drizzle.

-We will. Thanks so much.

This school is so f*cking weird.

-Sorry, I forgot.

[groans]

[♪♪♪]

-Today we've been talking
with some people

who say they are all that,

even though
their friends disagree

and say that they're just crap.

Oh, my goodness.

[door opens]

[chatter continues on TV]

-Look at this check, would you?

Huh, you f*cking believe it?

I worked 40 hours this week.

You know, this Dunkin' money

is only half of what we need
to get by.

And we-- And we ain't taking
any f*cking handouts.

-Maybe I could get a job, too.

-You? Who's gonna make dinner?

-I'd still cook dinner.

-Who's gonna do the laundry?

-Well, I would.

-Who's gonna vacuum?
-Me.

-Well, as long as
we're still splitting

everything equally, then sure.

-Do they need any more help
at the Dunkin' Donuts?

-They still got the sign up.

-Well, maybe I could be
your little helper.

You and me, side by side,

making the donuts
and the coffee.

Be so romantic.

-Yeah, great.
Hey, do me a favor

and boil a paperclip.
I got a wart on my toe.

[♪♪♪]

-No, no, no, no.
Lancelot, Guenevere,

you two are supposed
to be in love, okay?

I'm not feeling
any passion here.

-Okay, sorry. She's giving me
absolutely nothing.

-Excuse me? I'm literally

pouring my guts out
in this scene.

-Oh, that's what that smell was.

-f*ck you.
-Okay. Okay, let's--

Let's let's do some
basic warm up exercises here.

We'll clear our heads.

-Uh, Erin,
I thought you were great.

-Oh, thanks.
I feel so much better now.

-Hey, it's pretty cool
that we get to work together

for the next few weeks, huh?

-Let me nip this
in the bud right now.

Not interested
in whatever it is

that you're trying
to get going here,

so just stay out of my way,

Guard number one or two
or whatever.

-He's number one.
I'm number two.

Also, speaking of number two,

sorry again about that time
I sh*t all over you in class.

-f*ck off, bear.

-Okay. Erin, Nathan.

Let's try
a repetition exercise, okay?

We'll start
with something simple.

Maybe "I like your shirt."

Say that back and forth
to each other.

See if you can generate
any emotion.

-I like your shirt.

-I like your shirt.
-I like your shirt.

-Thank you.
It's Ralph Lauren.

-No. No, that's not
how it's done.

Look, someone else try.

John, Ted. Our two guards.
You guys go.

-This ought to be good.

-Uh, okay.

I like your shirt.

-I like your shirt.

-I love your shirt.

-I f*cking lied.
I hate your shirt.

-You hate my shirt?
f*ck you!

-f*ck you
and your f*cking shirt!

-Don't talk about my shirt.

I'll f*cking k*ll you,
m*therf*cker!

-I'll f*cking k*ll you

and f*ck your shirt,
you piece of sh*t!

f*ck you!
-[Ted grunts]

[both straining]

-Aren't you gonna--
-[shushing]

Ted: I'll use your shirt
to choke you out like a b*tch!

John: I’ll strangle you
and your whole f*cking family!

-[John groans]
-I’ll f*cking use your baby son

as a club
to beat your f*cking mother!

-I never knew my mother!

-You never knew your mother?

-No. I never knew my mother.

Or any of my aunts.

-Oh, Sydney, I'm so sorry!
I had no idea.

His name was Sydney
in the exercise.

[laughing]

-Now that, that is acting.

-I'm not even wearing a shirt.

-Okay, everybody,
let's take five.

I gotta go over some notes
with the stage crew.

-Hey.
-Hey.

-That was actually good.
What you and Ted just did.

-Thank you.

-How, um--

How'd you do that?

-Oh, well, I watch
a lot of movies,

and I figured that all acting's
basically just yelling,

whispering, or crying.

So I just picked one
of those three things

before I said anything.

-Huh. That actually might work.

Thanks, John.

-What a f*cking c**t, right?

Hey, should we start
a massage train?

[♪♪♪]

-Okay. Susan, I'm gonna show you
our employee orientation video.

-Oh, I'm so excited.

I haven't seen a movie
in seventeen years.

-All right.

[jingle playing on TV]

-Here's your fresh dozen.

Thanks for coming
to Dunkin' Donuts.

-Smells delicious.
Thank you.

-Hi. And welcome
to the Dunkin' Donuts family.

At Dunkin' Donuts, the customer
always comes first.

There are Dunkin' dos
and Dunkin' don'ts.

Let's look at
a typical situation.

-Hello. I'd like a dozen
of the chocolate glazed donuts.

-We're out of those
Also, my shift just ended.

[scoffs]

director: Go!

-I'm not sure that customer

will ever want
to come back again.

Now let's look at the right way
to handle the question.

-Hello. I'd like a dozen
of the chocolate glazed donuts.

-Good choice.
You picked one of my favorites.

I'll get them boxed
and ready right away.

Also, can I suck
your c*ck for you?

-Oh, God damn it!

Sorry. Sorry.

That was clearly
a Jeffrey prank.

He was fired last month.

But actually, everything before
the c*ck thing was correct.

So, look, just be nice
to the customers

and greet them with a smile.
Can you do that?

-Oh, I love smiling.

I'm always looking for
new things

and people to smile at.
-Jesus Christ.

-Matty, let's see
your best customer smile.

[sighs]

-Isn't this exciting?

You and me, side by side,
bringing donuts to the people.

-You should know, there's a guy
with a hole in his cheek.

Comes in every morning.
Just puts the donut right in.

It's horrible to watch.

-Oh, my.

[indistinct chatter]

[piano playing]

both [harmonizing]:
♪ That we may love once more ♪

-And here we'll do
the big kissies.

But let's wait
until the actual show.

We don't want to waste
the chemistry.

-Guard number one,
what are you doing?

You're too far downstage.

-Oh. Uh, right.

Um, Guenevere is married
to King Arthur,

so I figure as Guard number one,

I'm probably not too happy
about Lancelot hitting on her.

So I'm up here
getting ready to...

[grunts] ...you know,
defend the state or whatever.

-Yeah. No.
Step back onto your mark.

-Wait. Actually, I like that.
What he said.

At least somebody's
treating me like royalty.

-[scoffs] Honey,
you think you're all that,

but you're just crap.

-Hey, that's
our f*cking queen, pal.

-Listen, I gotta rehearse
some swordplay with Arthur.

-Okay, go. We'll move on
to the Mordred scene.

[scoffs]

-You know,
you're the only one in this play

who's actually giving me
anything to work with.

-Really?

-Yeah, it's funny.

Whenever I want to
get into character,

I just look at you,

because you're staring at me
all wide eyed.

-Oh. Uh, sorry if I'm
being creepy.

-Believe it or not,
it's helping.

Makes me feel like
an actual queen.

-Well, that, uh,
that makes sense, then,

because you are kind of like
the queen of the school.

-Do you want to run lines
with me after rehearsal?

I have a few scenes
I'm shaky on,

and Nathan's always
trying on wigs.

-[chuckles] Yeah.

Yeah, definitely. For sure.

-Cool.

-I live to serve, milady.

[laughs]

-So Lancelot and Arthur
are f*cking.

I saw 'em wiping their dicks
on the velvet curtain.

You want to go get burgers?

[♪♪♪]

-Okay. [claps hands]
Everybody, gather around.

I've got huge news.

-Are the pumpkin munchkins
coming back?

-No, those were
a complete disaster

and they got
a lot of people fired.

What is happening
is President Clinton

is visiting Framingham
next week...

-[gasps]
-...and he'll be stopping by

this store.
-What?

The news is gonna be here, too.

So, uh, Jurgis,
if you could look American,

that'd be great, buddy.

[speaking Latvian]

-Holy sh*t.

This-- This is gonna be
the best f*cking day of my life.

-I thought you hated
the President.

-Don't you see, Susan?

This-- This is gonna
be my chance

to rip that f*cking shithead
a new as*h*le

with the whole world watching.

-Remember when that happened
to me when I had John?

-This is a great f*cking day
for America!

-At least I got to ride
in a helicopter.

-All right, pal. What'll it be?

-Can I get a powdered donut
and a tea?

-I'm not making tea for a guy.

[♪♪♪]

-Come away with me, Guenevere.

-Surely you know I can't.

-And because you can't,
you shan't?

-I have taken an oath before God
to be with Arthur.

-Then shan't I ne'er you e'er?

No. Farewell forever, my fair--

my fair Lancelot.

-Wow! That was so good.
-Really?

-Oh, my God. You guys were--
That was great.

That was like
a Folgers commercial.

-Cool.

So are you excited
about the show?

It's only a week away.

-Well, yeah, I guess,

but you're the one
with the big starring role.

-Yeah, me and Johnny
just got to stand there.

-Our whole job is to just
not poop for those two hours.

But, uh, what about you?

I mean, I never pegged you
as a theater girl.

What with being
a cheerleader and all.

-Secret's out. [chuckles]
I really want to be an actress.

In fact, my dad is paying
a video guy five hundred bucks

to tape the show
for my Emerson application.

No pressure, right? [chuckles]

-Wow. That-- That actually
sounds like a lot of pressure.

I hope you don't blow it all
with one small mistake.

-Well, hey,
if you need to be reminded

that you're a queen up there,

you just look at me. I got you.

-Thanks, John.

-John, I need to measure you
for your armor.

-Oh. Yeah, all right.

-Hey, um,

do you want to hang out
after the show?

We could celebrate
or drown our sorrows,

depending on the reviews.

-I-- I-- I think
I might be free.

-He has no plans ever.
He'll do it.

-Great. See you then.

-Holy sh*t.
John, you just got a date

with the hottest girl in school.

-Yeah, I guess I did.

-The humiliation of being
a nobody is finally over.

-Hey, I need the smallest
codpiece we have for John.

wardrobe assistant:
What about the extra, extra,

extra small ones?

-No, those are still too big.

Call the company and see
if they can specially make

a smaller codpiece than they've
ever made before. For John.

-It's all right.
No one even knows

which John he's talking about.

-For John Bennett
of 48, Clifford Lane,

who has an extremely
small crotch measurement.

-I hate the crew.

[♪♪♪]

-Matty, is everything okay?

-Yeah, why?

-Because you're not screaming.

-That's 'cause today is the day
I finally stick it up the a*s

of your President, Slick Willie.

-You're-- You're-- You're gonna
do a**l to Bill Clinton?

-You're g*dd*mn right I am.

And I'm gonna say, "Hey, thanks
for creating so many new jobs,

because now I got two of 'em."
-Cool.

I saw the political cartoon
you stole that from.

Then-- Then I'm gonna tell him--
I'm gonna say,

"See you on
the unemployment line, as*h*le.

Because now that we got NAFTA,

we can hire a Mexican President
for 60% off."

-Why would you be
on the unemployment line?

You just said you have two jobs.

-That's only for the first joke.

And then when he's walking off

with his tail between his legs,

I'm gonna go-- I'm gonna go,

"Hey, what am I, the draft?

'Cause you're dodging me."

-What about you, Aunt Suse?

Are you excited
to meet the President?

-I'm more excited about

my baby's first big show
this Friday.

-It's not that big a deal, Ma.
We don't have any lines.

I don't think the audience
is even gonna notice us.

-Still, you're so brave to
get up there with all those eyes

staring at you.
-What do you mean?

Well, if I had
five hundred people watching me,

I'd be terrified.

I don't know how the cast
of Nunsense does it every night.

-Five hundred?
-Oh, at least.

-All at the same time.

-Oh, honey,
the whole town's coming.

I've told everybody.

My baby, the Broadway star.

[gasps] Oh, Matty, maybe I'll
get my tap shoes out tonight.

-I threw 'em away.

[sirens wailing]

[♪♪♪]

-Remember to say,

"Dunkin' Donuts
just off the Mass Pike."

-[scoffs]
Don't you worry.

I know exactly
what I'm gonna say.

-POTUS is on the move.

Please only let the President
have one donut.

[indistinct chatter]

-Matty, isn't this exciting?

Oh my gosh. Here he comes.
-[crowd cheering]

-Well, hi there.

Thanks for letting me visit
with you this afternoon.

-Welcome to Dunkin' Donuts,
Mr. President.

-Well, you must be
Miss Massachusetts.

-[chuckling] Oh, dear.

Oh. Mm. Uh, I have to pee.

-Well, gosh,
what should I order?

Let's see.
Everything looks good.

Any recommendations?
-Yeah.

I recommend you-- you do a--
you do a better job.

-Pardon?
-You--

You you're not doing
a very good job.

And-- And-- And, yeah.

-Well, I'm sorry
you feel that way.

I'd love to know your thoughts.

-Well, the--

Your economy is bad.

-Well, I feel your pain,

and I want to hear
your grievances.

Listen, would you folks mind
giving us a few minutes to talk?

I think he's a little nervous.
-[camera shutters clicking]

-Of course, sir.
We'll be right outside.

-Now, tell me
what you're feeling.

-I think you stink.

-And-- And you're--
And you're doing a garbage job.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-Well, listen here,
you pockmarked piece of sh*t.

You got some set
of f*cking ba*ls.

I take time out of my day

to visit your little sh*t shop
and you're giving me lip?

Maybe the real problem is
you're just a f*cking loser.

-But--
-f*ck you.

Think you're so f*cking tough

with your f*cking shitbag mouth.

Why don't you take
a swing at me, tough guy?

I'll slap you back so hard

you won't even recognize
your own f*cking d*ck.

-Um--
-And get a shave, you pig.

The f*cking President's here.

Now listen, throw some
f*cking Munchkins in a bag,

give me a cup of coffee
and shake my hand

and smile to the window

so people know we're having
a good f*cking time.

-Go!

[camera shutters clicking]

-That's right. Keep smiling,
you f*cking dog's vag*na.

All right, they got it.

Coffee's cold, as*h*le.

-[camera shutters clicking]
-[reporters clamoring]

-I meet President,
but still not Courteney Cox?

What f*ck?

[♪♪♪]

-f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

Dude, the play is in two hours.
I can't do this.

-Yes you can.
It's gonna go great.

-Why did mom have to get into
my f*cking head?

Hundreds of people watching.
I can't go up there.

I'm gonna panic.
-Well, we can always bail.

-Yes. No. No, dude.
We can't bail.

Erin is never gonna
go out with me,

and she's gonna hate me
for the rest of my life.

I mean, you heard her.
They're taping the show

for her college application.

-I got an idea.

♪ I want to be the girl ♪
♪ With the most cake ♪

♪ He only loves... ♪

-Blaire.
-Whoa, dude.

Ever heard of knocking?
-Blair, we need your help.

-Aren't you guys supposed to be
getting ready for your play?

-Yeah, well,
Johnny's having some trouble.

He needs a little,
uh, something.

You-- You got anything mellow?

-I thought we already
established I'm not your dealer.

-Come on, Blair.
Me and Johnny are smoked out.

The cupboard is bare.

-Blair, please.
I can't do it.

I can't go out
on that stage, all right?

I am too scared.

Please, I'm begging you.

-Okay. You're in luck.
Paige made these brownies.

Super mellow.
-An edible?

-Yeah, I took one,
like, 30 minutes ago,

and I just feel
super chill and focused.

Take one right before
you go on stage

and you'll
float through the play.

-Thank you, Blair.

It's easy to lose sight of,

but drugs
are always the solution.

-So, we'll see you at the play?

-Absolutely not.

[♪♪♪]

-All right, you ready?
Here we go.

-Yeah, we're eating a brownie,

not going to the f*cking moon.
Calm down.

-Hey, John.

-Erin.

Wow. [chuckles]
You look amazing.

-Thanks. You, too.

I'll see you out there.
Remember, you're my rock.

[audience chattering
indistinctly]

Ted: Huh, big audience.

-Yeah, who cares?
By the time we get out there,

we're gonna be chill as f*ck.

-John, you have a phone call.

-Hello?

-Guys, do not eat
those brownies!

-What?
-They're laced with shrooms

or some sh*t.
I'm in f*cking hell right now.

-What's wrong?
-She says not to eat

-the brownies.
-What?

-We already did.

-No! God. Oh, God. No!

-Oh, God,
what's happening to you?

-I have to k*ll myself
as a 500-year-old woman.

f*ck! I can't talk.

When I'm 500, I have to die.

-She's freaking out!
What do we do?

-Oh, sh*t!
-What the f*ck do we do?

-We gotta throw up.

[both gagging]

-I don't know how girls do this
all the time. It's impossible.

-I have no gag reflex.
Please don't let that get out.

[indistinct chatter]

-Hey, Matty,
I saw you on the news.

-Yeah?
-I gotta ask you.

What did you say
to the President?

-[scoffs] I-- I--

I called him
a lying piece of sh*t,

and-- and he almost cried.

Yeah. And then-- And then I--
I threw a coffee at him.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I-- I won.

-I like that Dunkin' Donuts.

I saw Courteney Cox there once.

-Oh! You need to be joking me!

-f*ck, Teddy.
We got ticking time bombs

in our stomachs.

-Okay, let's just
calm down here.

How do you feel now?

-Right now,
I actually feel fine.

-Me, too. Maybe-- Maybe Blair
just can't handle her pot.

-Yeah. Oh, God, yeah.
That's what it is.

She's a lightweight.
Not like us.

We're f*cking pot experts.

-Yeah, maybe it won't
hit us as hard.

-Guards, thirty seconds.
You're on.

-Oh, f*ck.

-Dear Guenevere,

your beauty is intoxicating.

-You mustn't say such things
within the castle walls.

-I cannot withhold my feelings.

I believe I'm falling
in love with you.

-My darling Lancelot,
lower your voice.

The guards will hear you!

[loudly] I say,
the guards will hear you!

[audience murmuring]

[John exclaims]

-Everyone's staring at us.

-So many eyes.

-I don't know
who's in the play anymore.

-I think the people not sitting
in chairs are in the play.

-They're gonna know, Teddy.
Everyone's watching us.

-They're all gonna
know we're on drugs.

-No they're not. Nobody's gonna
know we're on drugs.

-Oh, I'm sure they will. They're
gonna know we're on drugs.

-No, not if we keep
our voices down

and whisper
like we're doing right now.

-What an interesting plot twist.

-Lancelot, it--
it is impolitic

for us to carry on
in this fashion.

-Line?
-You don't have any lines.

-Okay, then I'll improvise.

ALF, you can't eat the cat.
It's Christmas.

[John urinating]

-Jesus f*cking Christ,
are you pissing?

-It's too much pressure!
I don't want to grow up!

-He's just a boy, everyone!

-What the f*ck are you doing?

-Hey, there is a demon
in my butthole, okay?

[grunting]

-Line?

[♪♪♪]

I mean,
it could have been worse.

We didn't die.

-Erin.
-f*ck you, John.

-Erin, wait. Please.
I'm so sorry.

Me and Teddy,
we got fed some bad brownies,

and I f*cking--
I messed up, okay?

But what we felt
in those rehearsals,

that was real, wasn't it?

I mean, it was for me.

-Are you f*cking insane?

You just completely
and massively f*cked me over!

-Maybe we could talk about it
down at Friendly's?

[laughs]

-I would literally rather have
prison sex with Jeffrey Dahmer.

Goodbye, John.

And f*ck you, Ted.

-You know, there's,
like, a 10% chance

we're still on stage.

[♪♪♪]

John: Activities.

Did play.

-Nice.

[♪♪♪]

["Everybody Needs a Best Friend"
by Norah Jones playing]

♪ Oh, you've got a headful ♪
♪ Of someone dreadful ♪

♪ And yet, alas ♪
♪ That someone adores you ♪

♪ Everybody needs ♪
♪ A best friend ♪

♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪

♪ I'm just a clown ♪

♪ And I'll bring you down ♪

♪ But you just don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause your ♪

♪ Best friend is me ♪

[♪♪♪]