02x04 - The Mom's Bombed Rom-Com

[bunniefuu]

["Everybody Needs a Best Friend"
by Norah Jones playing]

♪ My words are lazy ♪
♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪

♪ But this is one thing ♪
♪ I'm sure of ♪

♪ Everybody needs ♪
♪ A best friend ♪

♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪

[♪♪♪]

Blaire: Is there someone present
in this house?

Is there a spirit here?

John [laughs]: Oh.

-I just wanna point out you got

a f*ck' talkin'
teddy bear here.

A ghost ain't that big a deal.

-Shh. Quiet.

Will you answer our questions?

-How many times a day
does Johnny jerk off?

-f*ck you, man.

-Eighty-seven?

-Oh, hang on,
he's heading for the zero.

-All right, f*ck this.
This is bullshit.

-He said,
storming off to masturbate.

-Whoa. Hey, Blaire,
what's all that?

-Oh, just some booze

for my birthday party
tomorrow night.

-That's a lot of alcohol.

-Yeah, well, you know,
college crowd.

-Hey, Blaire, do you think
maybe me and Teddy

could steal a couple beers?

-Oh, yeah!

-Ha! Hilarious.

No.
-Oh, come on.

We'll wait until Mom and Dad
are asleep to drink 'em.

And-- And we'll do it all
in our room so no one will know.

-The ghosts will know.

-The ghosts have seen
my as*h*le.

Why do I care if they see me
drink a beer?

-Wait. Why'd you show 'em
your as*h*le?

-They asked.

Sometimes I use the board
when you guys aren't around.

[♪♪♪]

all [singing]:
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

-Happy birthday, Blaire.

Blow out your candles.

-Oh, for God's sakes,
do you have to do this

every f*ck' year?

-It's his birthday too, damn it.

-I'm sorry, Blaire.

Matty insisted.
-[Blaire sighs]

-You have the same birthday
as Reagan?

-Yes, and I don't need

to be constantly
f*cking reminded of it.

-Hey, watch your mouth.

You're talking about
the greatest f*ck' president

this country's ever had.

-That doesn't mean
you need to leave

an empty seat
for him every year.

Like he's f*ck'
Elijah the prophet.

-It's like the ghost
is sitting there.

-What ghost?

-Blaire has a Ouija board,

and we were talking to a ghost,

and it watches Johnny jerk off

and he showed it his butthole.

-Blaire, I don't like having

a Ouija board in this house.

We're churchgoing people.

-Okay, listen,
thank you so much for the cake.

Really, I-- I do appreciate it.

I'll have some of it later,
but right now,

me and Sarah are gonna go up
and get ready for the party.

-Okay.
-Just keep the noise down, huh?

-Oh, come on, Matty.
It's her birthday.

-Hey, hey. Don't sit.
That's for Reagan!

That-- That's for Reagan.

♪ m*rder*r ♪

♪ I'm the lyrical gangster ♪

♪ m*rder*r ♪

[all chattering]

♪ Still love you like that ♪

♪ m*rder*r ♪

[indistinct chatter]

-♪ Yes, we mul-ti-ply ♪
-Happy birthday.

[music continues faintly]

-Oh, man,
these chicks are so hot.

Oh, God.

Ted: Shouldn't her vag*na
be starting?

-Huh?
-She's pulling way down there.

It should be starting.
There's nothing there.

-Oh, yeah. Look at that.

-I'm gonna write a letter
to these bums.

[clears throat]

Dear Sports Illustrated,

the woman on page 64
has no vag*na.

You have got some nerve.

I have drawn a sketch
to indicate

what I feel we are owed.

Sincerely, Jason Bateman.

-Oh, man. This sucks.

I'm 17 years old.

It's Friday night,
and there's beer in my house

and I can't get to it.

-Hey, you know,
I could probably go get some.

-How?
-Well, that room's

probably packed with people.

Nobody's gonna notice
a guy my size

slippin' in and slippin' out.

-You really think you can do it?

-Does Magic Johnson have A*DS?

-What the f*ck?
-What?

-What the f*ck
kind of response is that?

-What? I'm saying yes.
-Then just say yes.

-I did.
-No, you didn't.

You said,
"Does Magic Johnson have A*DS?"

-I never said that.
-You literally just said it.

-Okay, I did, but you laughed.

-No, I didn't.

-I feel like
we're growing apart.

-[music continues playing]
-[party crowd cheering]

-Jesus Christ,
would you listen to that?

Sounds like they're having
a g*dd*mn or-gee.

-I think it's pronounced "orjy."

-No, no,
you're thinking of "orijami."

-What's that?

-That's that-- that thing
where the Japanese

f*ck around with paper.

Keep it down!

-Oh, they're just havin' fun.

Remember when we were her age?
Matty: No.

-We'd go to parties.
-Yeah, that was different.

We-- We were doing the Twist.

These degenerates
are doing the Lambada.

-Oh. Matt--

-It's forbidden, Susan.

-We were young and passionate.

Do you ever miss it?
Even just a little?

-No.

-Matty.
-What?

-Do you love me?

-What the hell
kinda question is that, Susan?

Of course I do.

-It's just...

I never know
what you're feeling anymore.

-I feel fine.

-But you like your life with me?

-Yeah.

-It's okay
to share your feelings.

-Jesus Christ, Susan,

I'm ju-- I'm just
trying to read here.

[♪♪♪]

-Are your stools any better?
-f*ck' awful.

Just piles of eyebrows
for three days.

-Oh, I'm sorry.
-You know what?

I'm gonna try
and coax one out right now.

[♪♪♪]

[door closes]

-[inhales sharply]
Matty: Oh.

Oh, Christ. Susan.

Call the doctor.
Ask why diarrhea would be white.

[♪♪♪]

-Um, so, what did
your parents say?

-Um...

nothing. I di--
I didn't tell them.

-Are you f*cking kidding me?

Sarah, we--
we talked about this.

-I know, I know. I'm sorry.

-This was the only thing
I wanted for my birthday.

-Blaire, they're just
not ready, okay?

We'd be saving ourselves.

-[laughs] You are
such a hypocrite.

You-- You sat
in that bed right there

and gave me sh*t
for not telling Matty and Susan.

-Well, maybe I was
f*cking wrong.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea.

-No, no. It was.

And I did it.

And, yeah,
it was f*ck' hard as sh*t,

but I did it.

And eventually they understood.

And so will your parents.
Sarah: No. It's different.

Blaire: That's so not fair.

-Blaire, I'm just protecting us.

-No, I don't need
your f*cking protection, okay?

I put myself out there
in front of my family for you,

and I deserve that same respect.

-It's not the right time.

[♪♪♪]

-f*ck you then.

-Excuse me?

-I'm-- I'm sorry.
-No. It's fine.

I'll see you later.

-No. Sarah, wait.

Sarah: Happy birthday.

[♪♪♪]

-f*ck!

[exhales sharply]

-Ah, f*ck.

Hey.

You okay?
-The f*ck are you doing here?

-I'm a pot-smoking teddy bear

who was told
he couldn't have beer,

so I'm stealing beer.

-Whatever.

Do whatever the f*ck you want.

-You, uh, you want one?

-Thanks.

[indistinct chatter]

♪ Rollin' down the street ♪
♪ Smokin' indo ♪

♪ Sippin' on gin and juice ♪

♪ Laid back with my mind ♪
♪ On my money ♪

It's like she thinks
the rules are different for her

than they are for me.

-Totally.
-You know what I mean?

It's like I took sh*t from
a talking dump truck for her.

-Yup.
-You know, I almost alienated

my whole family
because I loved her.

And now, now she wants
to play it safe

that it's f*cking flipped.

-Love is a two-way street,

and she doesn't--
she doesn't get that.

-Exactly. I mean, what the f*ck?

-Love is a b*ttlefield.

-Yes.
-Right.

-Holy sh*t.
Wait, who the f*ck--

Who thought of that? Did you--

-I did.
-Did you think of that?

-I write poetry on the side.

We are young, and no one
can tell us we're wrong.

-Jesus.
-[bottle clanging]

That's-- That's f*ck'
word art, man.

-Listen, you gotta do...
-What?

-...what you think
is the rightsest for you.

And if she knows what she's got,
then she's got to get in it.

-Yes.
-'Cau-- 'Cause you're cool.

-Oh, f*ck you. You're cool.

-Listen, you listen
to your pal Ted

'cause he's got your back.

[♪♪♪]

[Blaire sniffs]

-Am I l*sbian now?

-Okay, I'm going to bed.

-Me, too.

[♪♪♪]

[snoring]

[snoring continues]

-Oh!

[retching, coughing]

[snoring continues]

-Ted!
-[snoring]

-Ted!
-[snorts]

[gagging, retching]

-[coughs] Ah, Jesus.

[gasping]

-I kissed you.

-Yeah.
-I was drunk.

-Yeah.
-My head was all f*cked up.

-Yeah.

-Please forget
this ever happened

till the day you die.

-Oh, thank God,

I thought you
were gonna make me marry you.

Hey, you got a shirt?
It's kinda cold this morning.

-[sighs] Yeah.

Uh, also, I borrowed

a pair of shoes
and a handbag from Aunt Suse.

Could you take 'em
and bring 'em back to her?

-Sure.

Don't be humiliated.
You can do this.

You are a strong,
independent--

-Ted?

Ted: Oh, hey, Mrs. Fechko.

-Are you okay?

-Yeah, I-I'm fine, thank you.

-Well, you look like a wh*re!

[door closes]

[door opens]

-Where the hell have you been?

-Oh, I don't wanna
talk right now.

I just wanna sleep.

-I waited up all night for you.

-Look, could we please just--

-We were supposed to drink beer.

You never came back
with the beer.

-Things got, uh, out of hand.

-Oh, what things?

And why do you got lipstick

all over your face?

Did you hook up with somebody?

-I-- I f*cked Mrs. Fechko.

-What?
-I f*cked Mrs. Fechko.

Okay? Are you happy.

-You f*cked Mrs. Fechko?

-She invited me in
'cause she had

way too much potato salad,
and she was panicking.

Next thing I know,
she's taking her teeth out.

-No way.
-Johnny, I swear.

-Okay. Well, how was it?

-Oh, she was amazing.
Nothing was off the table.

Arabian Goggles,
Dirty Trombone, Rusty Trombone.

There were so many trombones,
I thought I was

in the Glenn Miller Orchestra.

-Holy sh*t. That's amazing.

-Does she have a friend?
-Huh?

-Like, for me. Like,
maybe we could double date.

-Oh, yeah.
John, you don't want to, uh--

-Teddy, I have struck out
with every girl in school.

But maybe there's somebody
out there who's older, sure,

but lonely, just like me.

And I could give her my heart.

And she could school me
in the ancient art

of making whoopee.

-You sure?

-Teddy,

society may not see older women

as useful or sexy or even human,

but John Bennett does.

John Bennett's not afraid
to rub your back with BENGAY.

-Yeah, John Bennett's not afraid
to blow his load

on a bowl of butterscotch candy.

-John Bennett's not afraid
to finger-bang you

while you watch
The People's Court.

-John Bennett's not afraid
to hear your moans of pleasure

and/or arthritic pain.

-John Bennett's not afraid
to talk dirty

twice as loud
as my normal speaking voice.

-John Bennett's not afraid
to do the same role play

for five days in a row

'cause you keep forgettin'
we did it already.

-John Bennett's not afraid
to f*ck you

while staring at a black
and white photograph

of your son who died in the w*r.

-Okay. Yeah, that's the one.

[bottles clanking]

[sighs]

-Blaire, wh-what's all this?

-You can take this out
with the trash.

I'm never drinking again.

-Matty, did you notice

your bacon and eggs
were shaped like a smiley face?

-Yup. [sighs]

-Do you like it?

-Susan, I don't need
my breakfast to be having

a better day than I am.

All right, I gotta go
to the hardware store.

-All right.

[♪♪♪]

-You were, for a while then,
during your 20s

and your single days
or when you were younger,

you were easy,
as we would have said.

woman:
Younger than that, actually.

That was the problem.
-[knocking on door]

-In your teenage years.
-Yeah, yeah.

-Just-- So you would walk
into a crowded room

and head right for the guy
that would make you the...

-Who is it?
Blaire: It's me.

Phil Donahue: ... grab him
with both hands.

woman: Or he'd grab me--
Donahue: Right.

-[sighs]
Donahue: In any event, this was

a neurotic satisfaction
that you were...

[TV chatter
continues indistinctly]

woman: Yes, it wasn't so much
a neurotic satisfaction...

-Hey.

-Hi.

-Can I come in?

woman:
I couldn't do what, quote,

other girls could do.

I couldn't sit there

and keep my mouth closed,

not give my opinion

and be a--
-[TV shuts off]

[door closes]

-Listen.

I'm sorry about last night.

I didn't mean for things
to get so nasty.

[sighs]

-Me neither.

-And I'm sorry
about the f*ck you.

-It's okay.

I slept on it...

and I understand
why you were upset.

I-- I guess I was using
sort of a double standard.

I don't know, I guess

I just didn't want
to deal with the stress.

But that wasn't fair to you.

And I do apologize.

-Yeah. Um--

So, there's one more thing

I need to tell you
about last night.

-What?

-I, uh--

I made out with someone.

-Who? Kathleen?

-No.
-Steven?

-No.
-Who?

-Ted.

-Oh, my God.
-I was wasted.

It just happened.
-What the f*ck?

What the actual f*ck?
Are you f*cking kidding me?

-It didn't mean anything--
-What kind of f*cked-up

West Virginia sh*t is that?

-I'm so sorry.
-Oh, my God.

And to think you gave
your uncle sh*t

for jacking off a dog.

-Hold on.
-No!

f*ck you! Get out!
-Sarah.

-We're done.

-What do you mean?
-I mean, we're done.

For real.

[♪♪♪]

[door creaks]

man [on TV]: It is that you're
a savings and loan officer.

-[Blaire sniffles]
man: Watch.

One, two, three. See?

You've got it all,
and we've got nothing.

And you have all four...
-Blaire?

-But I wouldn't
trust you with...

-What's wrong?

-Nothing.

-But you're crying.

-I just really don't want
to talk about it, Aunt Suse.

-You want me--
You want me

to make you the cakes?

The little cakes.

-What?
-Cupcakes!

The cupcakes.
That's what they are.

-No, I'm-- I'm okay.

-Oh.

-Sarah and I, we-- we broke up.

-Oh.

Oh, Blaire, I'm so sorry.

-It's all right.
I just wanna be alone.

-But you can talk to Susan.

♪ Dr. Susan's in the house ♪

♪ Ch, ch-ch, ch-ch ♪
♪ Ch, ch-ch, ch-ch ♪

-Are you drunk?

-No!

No, I would never.

I-- I just had a little bit

of, um, wine from your box.

Shh.

Everybody deserves a little wine
now and then,

don't you think?

-I guess.

-Blaire, what are Goonies?

-What?

-I heard people talking

about Goonies.

-Aunt Suse,
I just really want

to be by myself.

-Oh, okay.
I, uh-- I understand.

Blaire: Okay.
-Okay, sweetheart.

I'm gonna be thinking
the thoughts about you.

-Okay?
-Okay.

Okay.

Dr. Susan...

is in the house.

She's like...

[mumbles]

[♪♪♪]

-[sighs] All right.

Oh, wow, there she is.
-Huh?

-Mrs. Fechko.

God, buddy, you were right.

I don't know
how I didn't see it before,

but she's got this, like, raw,

sexual animal magnetism to her.

Go ask her.

-About-- About what?

-About a friend for me.

-[sighs deeply] Okay.

Hey, uh, Mrs. Fechko. Hi, there.

-Hi.
Ted: Mrs. Fechko.

May I call you Rebecca?

-My name is Gert.

-Oh, that's--
that's beautiful, as well.

Listen, I have
a decent proposal for you.

My friend John and I--

-The Down syndrome boy?

-He doesn't have Down syndrome.

-Are you sure?
-Yes.

-I think he does.

-Well, be that as it may,
he and I would like to take you

and one of your friends out to
a restaurant of your choosing.

-Why?

-I got-- gotta be honest here,
I thought you'd just say yes.

Uh, because--
because we have lived

across from you all these years,

and I gotta believe
there's more to Gert Fechko

than just yelling about
how we need a stop sign here.

-We do! People come
zooming by at all hours!

-And paranoia about the Chinese.

-They're taking over the town!
They even have their own bank!

-You see, the truth is,

John could use
an old-fashioned lesson

in manners and such.
-How come?

-Because everyone
in your generation is brilliant,

while everyone today
is a dumb piece of sh*t.

-That's all I wanted to hear.
I'll call my friend Mildred.

-Terrific.
-Dinner, 11:00 a.m. sharp.

-We'll be there.

[♪♪♪]

-Matty.
Matty: God damn it!

-What's the matter?

-I f*ck' sneezed
while I was pissing.

Got in my f*ck' eye.

-Uh, there's
a clean pair of pants

right there in the drawer.

-Great.

-Hi.

You wanna horse around?

-What?

-Johnny's in the front yard.

He can't hear us.

-It's day.

-Even better,

we can see each other's bodies.

-I got piss in my eyes, Susan.

-Oh, I don't mind.

Let's dance.

-[sniffs] Is that wine?
-Yeah.

I just had a little bit of wine.

-What are you doing?
-♪ Don't you remember ♪

♪ You told me ♪
♪ You loved me, baby? ♪

-Susan, stop it.

-♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪
-What are you doing?

For f*ck's sake, Susan!

That woman is dead!

-[melancholically]
♪ I love you ♪

[breathes deeply]

-First guy I ever loved
was a total nothing.

The second was worse.
My mom called me a bum magnet.

If there was a bum
within a 50-mile radius,

I was completely attracted.

-Hey.
-Hi.

Julia Roberts:
That's how I ended up here.

-You watching this?
-Yeah.

Richard Gere: Hmm.

-There's-- There's
a hockey game.

-Watch it upstairs.

-I-- I can't--
I can't go upstairs.

-Why not?
-Nothing.

Gere: So, you chose this
as your profession.

-I worked at a couple
fast food places.

Parked cars at wrestling.

-What's the story? They married?

-No.

-She was a hooker
and made it sound so great.

-She his girlfriend?

-She's a prost*tute.

-What?

-She's a prost*tute,

and he's
falling in love with her.

-It's not like
anybody plans this.

It's not your childhood dream.

Gere: You should
be so much more.

-Ain't he worried
about the clap?

-No.
-Why not?

-Because she f*ck'
douches a lot.

I don't f*ck' know.
I'm trying to watch.

-Christ. Okay.

I'm just kickin' the tires.

Don't bite my g*dd*mn head off.

Gere: You're a bright,
very special woman.

-You gonna-- You gonna
watch all of those?

-Yeah, Matty, 'cause that's
what you do after a breakup.

You lay under a blanket and you
watch a bunch of chick flicks.

-I don't want you
to get too excited.

This is only on loan.

Roberts: Oh! [laughs]
-[gasps] Jesus. as*h*le.

Roberts: They're gonna
let you borrow this for...

-[operatic singing in on TV]
Gere: Princess Vivian!

Come down!

[singing continues]

It had to be
the top floor, right?

Roberts: It's the best.

Gere: All right,
I'm coming up.

[♪♪♪]

-Oh, wow.
She was the pretty woman.

[♪♪♪]

-So, Mildred, Teddy has told me
so much about you,

but he neglected
to mention your eyes.

They're like
nice manhole covers.

-Well, I didn't know
one of you was a stuffed bear,

so I guess we're even.

-Welcome to Armand's.

Take your time.

I'll be back in a bit.

-God, there's something
extra depressing

about a bald waiter, am I right?

I might request someone else.

-I would like
to propose a toast.

To budding romance.

-For who?
-For you and Teddy.

-Yeah, yeah,
Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie.

We're playing it
cool here, Johnny.

-Hmm. So, Mildred,
tell me about yourself.

Who is Mildred?

-Well, I'm from Connecticut.

-Ah. The "Show Me" state.

-I'm a widow.

My Franklin died
eight years ago.

-Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
What from?

-Crohn's disease.
It's actually named after him.

-Well, Mrs. Disease,
Ted may just--

-No, Crohn. Mildred Crohn.

-Well, Mrs. Crohn, I--

I know that I can't
replace Franklin,

but with time I believe
that you'll find me

a worthy companion.

Ardent, steadfast

and prepared to lend a strong
paternal hand to your...

-Nine sons.

-Yes. I am ready to step in
as their father.

-[clears throat] Uh, what, uh--

Uh, what about your parents,
Mrs. Fechko?

-Most of my father is in a jar.

-Mildred, may I just say
your brooch is exquisite?

-Oh, thank you.

-And your locket is divine.

-Oh, Franklin brought it
back from Morocco.

-And your stickpin
is resplendent.

-Would you excuse me
for a second?

Gert, will you join me
in the little girls' room?

-You think they're
spraying their vaginas

with eau de toilette?

-Yeah, I really don't know

what the f*ck
is happening anymore.

-Shut the door! Shut the door!

Do you see
what's going on here?

-What?
-They're bandits!

They're trying
to steal our jewels!

-You think so?
-Yes!

They want to bamboozle us
out of our fortunes!

Mine won't quit
staring at my amulet!

They're grifters!

-Oh, my God!

-The one with Down syndrome
is the flimflam artist,

and the bear is the bagman.

-Thank God all my money's
in traveler's checks.

-They're probably
going from town to town,

pulling this little stunt
all across the country.

-But they lived across
the street from me for 18 years.

-Even worse! It's a long con!

-Well, then I am not spraying
my vag*na with eau de toilette.

-Oh, no! Let's get out of here!

[tires screech]

You f*cking thieves!

[engine revving]

-Oh, I'm so glad we don't
have to f*ck 'em after they ate.

[♪♪♪]

[clears throat]

[somber music playing on TV]

Patrick Swayze:
Tell her it's for luck.

Whoopi Goldberg:
Sam says it's for luck.

[♪♪♪]

[sniffles]

[Matty gulps]

-Matty?

-Yeah?

-Are you okay?
-Yeah--

[clears throat]
I was just sleeping.

You just f*ck' woke me up.

-Oh, sorry.

Um, yeah, you know what?
I'm getting tired, too.

I'm gonna go say good night
to Susan and go to bed.

-Yeah. Me, too.
I'm gonna go to bed as well.

I'm just gonna
turn the lights off first.

[footsteps receding]

[somber music resumes]

-[knock on door]
-Aunt Suse?

[gasps]

-Blaire.
-Hi.

Listen, I just
wanted to apologize

for being so short with you
this afternoon.

-No, no, no. It's fine.

I know you're having a sad day,
and it's your birthday week,

and I'm so sorry.

-Are you still drinking?

-Well--

You know who I read
likes to drink now and then?

Me. [laughs]

I started keeping a diary.

-Oh, my God. Okay.
-[Susan chuckles]

Um--

Is something going on?

-Like what?

-I don't know. I--

Anything you need to talk about?

I mean, I've hardly
ever seen you drink wine.

-Sometimes I feel
like I'm all alone.

-What do you mean?

-When we were younger,

Matty used to
share things with me.

Sometimes he'd even tell me
how he was feeling.

-He did?

-Yeah.

And it's been years
since he shared anything.

Last night I began to wonder,

is this all there is
until the end?

Me sitting alone,

trying to guess
if Matty still loves me?

-I'm sure he still loves you.

-Ah, he never says it
to me anymore.

He never does anything romantic.

Doesn't even put in the effort
to smell neutral anymore.

-[sighs] Listen,

I really do wanna
talk about this with you, okay?

It-- It's just-- I've had
kind of a rough day myself.

-I know.

-But tomorrow,

what if we did, like,
girls' day or something?

-I'd love that.

-And for now, I'm just gonna
put this back in the box.

Susan: Okay.
-Okay.

-I'm gonna ride my bike
to Taco Bell.

[chuckles softly]

Patrick Swayze:
I love you, Molly.

[somber music playing on TV]

I've always loved you.

[chuckles]

[music continues]

-Ditto.

-Matty?

[gasps]

-Blaire. I was--
I was just looking for hockey.

And, uh, sports and scores.
[sniffles]

I wanted-- I wanted hock--
I wanted sports and hockey.

-Did you turn Ghost back on?

-No.
-You're crying.

-No, I'm not.
-You're crying at Ghost.

-f*ck off!

-Matty, it's okay.

-I'm not crying!
It-- I'm just--

It's-- It's piss.

-It's okay
if the story moved you.

That's what it's supposed to do.

-I wasn't f*ck' crying!

-Okay, why don't you sit down?

I wanna show you something.

[dog barking in distance]

-[cries] God! I'm so mad,
I don't know what to do.

I wanna know why.

-I wanna know
why Shelby's life is over.

I wanna know
how that baby will ever know

how wonderful his mother was.

[crying] Will he ever know
what she went through for him?

Oh, God. I wanna know why!

Why?

-[screams] g*dd*mn right, why?

Wh-Why did it
have to be Shelby, huh?

She-- She had her-- She had her
whole life ahead of her!

-[voice breaking]
I know, it's-- it's so sad.

-She was such a ray of sunshine!

What's the point of love
when it causes so much pain?

-She gave so much
and asked so little.

-Why couldn't it have been
Shirley MacLaine

with the diabetes?

It doesn't make
any g*dd*mn sense!

-And the baby!
-Oh, God!

The baby!

Wh-Wh-What's gonna happen
to the f*ck' baby?

-He's never gonna
know his mother.

-I want some f*ck' answers!

I want some
f*ck' g*dd*mn answers!

And I want 'em right now!
-Matty.

Matty. It's just a movie.

-[gasps]
-[indistinct chatter on TV]

[Matty gasping]

-My God.

This is what chick flicks are?

-Yes. The whole point is
to get you to feel something.

To share an emotive experience
through a narrative.

-Blaire,

you cannot tell anybody
that I f*ck' cried.

-I won't.

But there is one person
you need to tell.

-What? What the f*ck
you talkin' about?

-Matty, do you see
what's happening right now?

Aunt Suse needs to see this.

-Jesus. No way.
-Why not?

-I don't wanna look like
f*ck' Boy George

in front of my wife.

Besides, I think she's drunk.

-Uh, yeah, she's been drinking.
You know why?

It's because she's starved
for any kind of human feeling.

If she saw you
like this right now,

she'd love you
like the day you married her.

-I don't know.

-Matty, there's no shame
in being vulnerable

with the person that you love.

Sure, maybe you feel
a little stupid right now,

but don't you
also feel kinda good?

Like, kinda relaxed and free?

-I guess so.

Yeah, I do.

-Your wife needs you right now.

She needs this, Matty.

-I don't know how to do that.

[tuts]

-Do you have a ladder?

[snoring]

Matty: Susan!
Susan: Yeah.

Matty: Susan!
-I know.

Matty: Susan!

[operatic singing]

-Matty?

[singing continues]

Matty!

-Princess Susan! I need you!

-What are you doing?

-I'm comin' up!

[singing continues]

-Are those roses?

-I'm on my way.

I'm comin' up, Princess Susan!

I'm comin' up!

[singing continues]

-[grunts]
-[Susan gasps]

[screams]

[screaming] f*ck!

Blaire: Careful.
Matty: A little more.

Blaire: Careful. I know. Yep.
Matty: Easy.

Easy, for f*ck's sake.
-All right. All right.

-Sorry. God.
-Jesus Christ! [grunts]

f*ck, I need a beer.
-Okay.

Yeah, I'll-- I'll get you that.

-Yeah.
-Thank you, Blaire.

-[sighs] God Almighty.
-All right. Over to the couch.

-[groans] Here.
-Give me that.

-[grunts] I feel like
a jackass, Susan.

I just-- I just wanted
to make you feel

like a special prost*tute.

-Oh, Matty!

I do feel like one.

That was the sweetest,
most wonderful gesture

I've ever seen in my life.

-This-- This is what happens

when you show
your f*ck' feelings.

-Well,

you don't ever have to
show your feelings again

if you don't wanna.

'Cause now I know
how much you love me.

[gentle music playing]

I love you, Matty.

-Ditto.

[♪♪♪]

-Sounds like we all had
a shitty week, huh?

-Yeah.

-Hey, Blaire,
I'm really sorry about Sarah.

-Me, too.

-But, hey,
look on the bright side.

Now you got more time
to get stoned with me and Teddy.

-I mean, I guess if Sarah
hadn't broken up with me,

Matty never would have
opened up to Susan

and she'd still be
drinking wine in bed,

so, yeah,
maybe it was all worth it.

Susan is the kindest,
most selfless person alive.

And she deserves to be happy.

-Yeah, but you'd
still have a girlfriend

if you'd just given me
and Johnny those beers.

-That's also true.

-I mean, if you got us, like,

a bunch more beer, who knows?

Maybe it'll cause
a chain of events

that'll lead to
Sarah taking you back.

-Fair enough.

-[groans] It didn't.
It didn't help anything.

-Mildred, I love you!

[both gag]

[♪♪♪]

["Everybody Needs a Best Friend"
by Norah Jones playing]

♪ Oh, you've got a headful ♪
♪ Of someone dreadful ♪

♪ And yet, alas ♪
♪ That someone adores you ♪

♪ Everybody needs ♪
♪ A best friend ♪

♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪

♪ I'm just a clown ♪

♪ And I'll bring you down ♪

♪ But you just don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause your ♪

♪ Best friend is me ♪

[♪♪♪]