01x05 - Japaleta

[bunniefuu]

Hurry, hurry!

Hey, how are you?
Look, this is what I need.

-That's clear.
-I'm done with all that.

My clitoris trembles
every time I dance in the circus.

I've transcended my body,
and never stopped being "La One."

-It's an honor to have you.
-Thank you, hon.

Welcome.

I achieved it
through exercise, discipline…

and my greatest weapon.

My karate tongue.

Hi, honey.

Hi, Mo.

Let's go, okay? Cha-cha-cha.

You look divine!

Moria! I can't believe it.
You have no idea how I admire you.

Thank you.

My mom was a fan of Rita Turdero.

I grew up hearing
your "chiribin, chiribin, ooh!"

I've watched you since I was a kid.

-Who is that?
-Don't know. Some reality star.

-So a Dozen.
-A what?

She "dozen" sing, dance, or act.

A low-rate little wh*re. Oh, honey.

Oh, come on!

A big round of applause
as we bring to the stage Miss Moria…

-Break a leg.
-You too.

Go on, guys, you're up.

Cue the music!

{\an8}DANCE OF DREAMS

{\an8}Incredible use of the floor, Moria.
You got tens.

{\an8}Some say you get special treatment.

{\an8}EXCLUSIVE STATEMENT
MORIA CASÁN ON FIRE

{\an8}I don't care about people's opinions.
I'm like Teflon, baby.

{\an8}Good or bad, nothing sticks.

{\an8}What about those who say
this is beneath you?

{\an8}Please. I can't stand
the resentment of second-raters.

{\an8}My very presence elevates the show.

{\an8}-Would you be a judge?
-I'd consider it.

{\an8}Someone said that chair
would be too big for you.

Who said that? The one with the huge a*s?

That a*s is like a banquet table.

-Kisses, my loves. Kisses to all.
-Thank you, Moria.

The passage of time
was never an issue for me.

The real issue…

is relevance.

They want to put together a new revue,
like the previous one…

Just as cheap?
I'd rather do an underground play.

There's a lot of talent there,
but no money.

Calm down, or your hair will fall out.

-Stop saying that.
-What else?

They want you on
as a judge for the next edition,

and there's a lot of money in it.

-I'll think about it.
-Okay.

The assistant you asked for.
I have a guy I want you to meet.

Perfect. Bring him.

What about Sofía? It's on everyone's lips.

That's her life. I stay out of it.

Deal with it, Mor.

This is abuse, because she's a minor.

Turn that off. Turn it off.

Can't you have breakfast
at your own house?

Hi, Pablo.

Yes, but Susi is cleaning, Mom.
We're just leaving.

Hi, Moria.

We're doing an interview with Jorge.

I want to clear up the nonsense
people say about us. It's too much.

-What do you think?
-Surprising, coming from you.

-Do you have any questions for me?
-No.

-Let's go, babe.
-Let's.

Will you go to your place after?

I'm taking Sofi to a meeting
and then we're going home.

If they call to get your opinion…

-Fully muted.
-Fully muted.

-I want to leave. I'm exhausted.
-I'll pamper you later.

Please do.

Zeta, darling.
Do you have plans for tonight?

Zeta, honey!

Hi, girl!

I know you have champagne,
but I still brought some.

-The house is gorgeous, honey.
-Hi, Zeta!

-Hi, Quique.
-Hi, Mo.

This is Matías.

Hello.

-Hi, Moria.
-Come on over.

How's it going?

Oh!

Ruby!

Hi, darling!

-Thanks for the invitation.
-It's a pleasure.

-Introduce me!
-This is Marcelo.

Have we started already?
Let's get started.

-Cheers, Moria.
-Cheers.

Let's get In the water!

You beauty!

Absolutely angelical.

My dad had your poster…

in his workshop.

I rubbed one out to you every night.

Imagine that.

Tell me, what was the poster like?

You were a goddess.

You were like that, but like…

-A bit more to the side.
-Like this?

-You had one hand like this.
-Like this?

And the other on your waist,
sticking out your butt.

Like this?

-Like this?
-Can you stop?

You're very funny, Martín.

Matías.

Tell me, Mati…

Who turns you on the most?

The woman in the poster or me?

Really?

Are you seriously
getting jealous of yourself?

Isn't he a darling?

-He's twenty-something, right?
-He's 23. Does that shock you?

How old is yours?

Forty-something.

Are you guys better?

I don't know. Pablo won't set foot
in a TV studio again, but yes.

Well, it's not for everyone.

I was offered a play with Fernando Peña.

It's great. I want to do it,
but you have to authorize me.

-As an actress?
-Mm-hmm.

Of course I authorize you.
Have César arrange it.

What they're offering
is a weekly live segment from here

and a camera following you around.

Restaurants, your dressing room,
here at the house…

Wherever you are, there's a camera.

Perfect. A performance 24/7.
Karate tongue at the ready. I'm ready.

-It'll be amazing.
-Come on in.

Ask for double what they offered.

-Double?
- I'll get them much more than double.

Then I'll ask for…

Hey, dear, I want to tell you something.
Burn it into your memory.

Your survival in this house
depends on three crucial things.

Your loyalty, your professionalism,
and your silence.

What happens in Leloir stays in Leloir.

Okay? Good luck.

-Can I get you something to drink?
-No.

-No? A glass of water?
-Thank you.

This is Galo, the boy I told you about.

Galo? Are you my illegitimate child?

Galo comes highly recommended.

I'll leave you to get to know each other.

-Come here.
-I'll walk you out.

How old are you, Galo?

I'm 19.

Nineteen? You're a baby.

A giant baby.

Have a seat there.

Are you nervous?

A bit.

As my hair stylist,
what would you do to me?

Your face has angular lines.

Those lines give you character, strength.

Eyeliner is your trademark.

If we play around with a blunt fringe,

the look would be magnetic, mysterious.

If you let me,

I want to give you the best fringe
you've ever had.

Do you have a family?

I live with my mom.

It's just her and me.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Do you like it?

A lot.

Do you think you can handle it?

I won't let you down.

I'll give it my all.

I like your attitude.

If you're with me, I'll take care of you.

Personal assistant.

Personal assistant.

Welcome to the stage of my life, Galo.

I love this color.

Yes? Come in.

-Moria.
-Yes?

-We're ready to go.
-Be right there.

Let the show begin, honey.

-How are we doing?
-Great.

{\an8}Evening, contestants.
Welcome to the stage.

{\an8}I deeply appreciate your performance.

{\an8}What did I think? You've got no footing.

No stage authority.
You're not giving us what we need.

{\an8}MORIA SLAMS DANCER

{\an8}Change up the setup, I'm not buying it.
Don't lecture us.

{\an8}BRUTAL MORIA
UNSTOPPABLE

{\an8}This show is about frivolity.
Enough, Mr. Presenter.

{\an8}"OBVIOUS AND CHEAP"

{\an8}That bullshit doesn't hold up to analysis.

You know what you want
with this little stunt? It's obvious.

Yes. What the boss is saying is right.

You want to stay on the show permanently.
It's obvious.

-That one came from the casting couch.
-Casting couch, Susana?

They're all low-rate little wh*res.

{\an8}What's with this "lumpen" audience?
Shut up. You're just props.

{\an8}"PROPS NEED TO SHUT UP"

{\an8}MORIA FIGHTS WITH CONTESTANTS
AND AUDIENCE

{\an8}You're nobodies.
They used to say, "Moria, I love you."

{\an8}They say the same thing to everyone.
They're nonentities, Mr. Presenter.

{\an8}"THEY'RE NONENTITIES"

{\an8}MORIA VERSUS EVERYONE

{\an8}I'm giving my score.

{\an8}And this is over, Mr. Presenter.

{\an8}A round of applause to welcome me.

They're cheering.

She said she's more well-rounded than you.
What is your response?

That hippo better not come for me.

I can't respond to vomit, to a sewer.

The vedette from her show
also spoke against you.

She says she's younger,
so her career is shorter.

They're not vedettes, but bidets.
They eat bologna and burp caviar.

They make me TV sick.

They have Lack-of-d*ck syndrome.

They're dripping in tackiness.

And that dumbass asks, "How old are you?"
"Twenty-five".

I'm sick of the age thing.

She went a bit further
and said she has a secret of yours

that will make
your daughter Sofía tremble, Moria.

Why is she coming for Sofía?
Face like a duck, body like a fridge.

Stop hanging off my t*ts
and fix your appearance.

She said you don't fill a theater.

What does she fill? Her belly with fat?

And her husband's hair is green.

Put the fork down, honey!
Intellectual pauper!

They're all brutes. All of them.

Thank you, Moria.

The sharpest tongue in Argentina
talking about another diva.

Back to the studio.

What's going on? They're involving you?
What didn't you tell me?

-What secret?
-Stop, Mom. I'm confused.

I see you there
and I feel like we have two identities.

-I don't understand, Mom.
-Sofía, it's not about you. It's about me.

But they talk about me.

They see me through you.

I have nothing to do with that, Mom.

I want to say one more thing.

-Is Jorge there?
-Yes.

They have used and abused me.
Ask for airtime.

Put us on air. Jorge?

-Is Jorge there? Or Luis?
-Jorge. I'm here again with Moria.

They have used and abused me.
That lady is just too much.

Once, while on tour when we were younger,

instead of staying at the hotel,
she went to a market to buy an iron.

She's an old lady who smells like soup.

Why would she attack you?

{\an8}Because I'm loyal, I'm hardworking,
I don't attack anyone.

"THEY HANG OFF MY t*ts"

{\an8}They talk about me,
and then it looks like I talk about them.

{\an8}THE CONTROVERSY OF THE SEASON

{\an8}They keep talking about me.
I don't know them!

{\an8}You're angry. What about?

{\an8}I'm not angry.
This is how I am, I'm fiery.

{\an8}How can I not be angry?
Go back to eating lard biscuits!

Welcome, Mor.

Thanks, darling.

Have a seat. Miguelito will be right out.

Oh, look who's here! Su!

I can't believe it!

-Hi. You're here all the time.
-How are you?

-Gosh! What are you doing here?
-Sit down.

Sofía's making her theater debut.
I need sprucing up.

-How old is Sofi?
-Seventeen. She wants to be an actress.

You have to come on the show again.
When you came, it was a ratings hit.

I'd be delighted, but Sofía
would be hard to convince, she's…

Listen to you,
the one who didn't want to be a mother.

-We're more alike than we'd like, Su.
-Yes.

-Hey, you look great. You look beautiful.
-See? I look good, yes.

It is orthomolecular medicine.
It's once a week. You have to go, Su.

Of course I have to go.
That man is wonderful.

Honestly, I starve.
Or I'd look like a cow.

-You've always eaten well.
-Don't be mean.

Do you remember Santa Clara del Mar?
That summer in '81?

You b*tch! You ate that guy right up.

-Stop, don't say that.
-Please! You like it!

-Are you single now? Dating?
-Oh no, honey.

I either get robbed, or I get tired,
or they screw me over.

I'm bored, that's enough.

I want to be home, with my things,
alone, unbothered by anyone.

-I don't know if you can relate.
-Yes.

I love seeing you, you know?

I'm serious. You don't really like me.

Of course I like you.
I'm just not nostalgic for the past.

I'm not. To me, that's another life.
But I'm happy to be here with you.

Of course, because we're one of a kind.

The blonde and the brunette.

Always.

No.

You're such a b*tch.
Oh, he shaves them. I'm dying.

-I'm dead. They're all bald.
-Stop.

Congratulations.

Excuse me.

-Juampi, my darling.
-Hi, Mo.

You were hilarious. Amazing.

-Can I see the actress?
-Of course.

Congratulations.

-You were great. Meryl Streep who?
-No, Mom, don't lie. Seriously.

You're a good actress, really.
You have stage presence.

And you're truthful. You can't learn that.

It's strange to visit a dressing room.

-I'm always the one who gets the flowers.
-Me, me, me. The egomaniac is here.

Who's doing your press?
You need more buzz.

-I'll talk to the network.
-You don't need to.

I want to help you.

No. If I need help, I'll ask you.
I don't want cameras.

What's wrong, So?

I'm just starting out.
I don't want to do exactly what you did.

Okay.

Mom, I want to move out of Leloir.

-Listen, the media stuff--
-I know it's a game, but I'm done playing.

You won't change.
You don't have to, either.

But I want to leave.

Want to come to this nice bistro?

No, I'll pass.

I'm having dinner with the cast
and then off to some party.

-So, we're taking pictures.
-Coming.

-Will you wait for me?
-Of course.

It's not good for me
to see you angry all the time.

Have fun.

But have fun for real.

Mwah.

It's all genetics, you know?

Of course, you gave birth to her, girl.

Sofía was amazing.

Yes!

I absolutely loved it. It was great.

You can see the love there.

-Are we going out later?
-Sure. Let's go.

Where are we going, Galo?

-Where?
-La City.

I'm actually so thirsty.

-It's hot in here.
-It is really hot. Waiter!

Will they ever bring us drinks?

Hello. Good evening. Excuse us.

-Finally.
-Thanks.

Is that York ham?

No, it's shoulder. Anything else?

The champagne I ordered an hour ago.

Bring water, or whatever drink you have.

Bring something, my throat is bone dry.

Everything okay here?

-Hi.
-Hi. Moria.

-Hello.
-An honor.

I brought you a crown,
because you're our queen.

No, I'd rather not.

-Let's take a picture with our banner.
-We're good.

-If it's okay, let's do it now.
-No. Let us eat, then we'll do pictures.

-Okay.
-You're leaving the banner?

You scared me.

-Shall I pour it?
-Let me see.

Wait, this is hard cider.
And it's warm, darling.

Okay, we're done.

-I can bring you some water.
-Everyone up.

-Please, Moria. There's no need.
-We're leaving.

Don't eat anything.

We can bring you something else.

While we wait, we'll take a picture.

Picture? Don't be ridiculous.
Promoting a place that serves garbage?

We waited two hours.

Are we animals, to be served this slop?
We're leaving.

Don't worry, honey, I'll go get the car.

If you're not honoring the agreement,
we'll have to bill you.

I'll bill you for my health insurance,
you ridiculous woman.

I'm the ridiculous one?

-You have no class.
-I have no class?

We were treated like sh*t.
All the dancers had to leave.

Look at our famous artists!

Moria is a great host
when we come to Leloir.

So it's understandable
that you reacted this way.

What a clown. Give me a break.

How can someone be so cheap?
A woman with no class. Please!

{\an8}SCANDAL
THE RAGE OF MORIA

{\an8}People welcoming performers
have to understand

{\an8}that we're not starving bums.

{\an8}We're hungry after a show

{\an8}and we don't want to
have to contort around banners

{\an8}so you can publicize
that ridiculous restaurant of yours.

{\an8}The owner's a complete lunatic,
we saw that.

{\an8}She treated the guys horribly.

{\an8}She was awful to the Crónica guys,

{\an8}but they were professionals
so they didn't complain.

{\an8}And my dancers had to leave.
Come on, I don't need that clown!

Plus, that whole thing
was set up by the producers.

I don't know even where it is.

{\an8}But when I saw that woman's face,
desperate to be on camera…

{\an8}She went on and on about the banner.

{\an8}She gave me a crown,
and I went, "What is this?"

{\an8}I said, "Away with this crown."

{\an8}An absolute clown show.

{\an8}We got these disgusting little plates

{\an8}with tiny sandwiches
that were awful quality.

{\an8}Not even real ham, more like a sham!
Everything was cheap.

{\an8}I don't eat that!

{\an8}Eating carbs after a performance?
Who does that? A hippo! Insane.

{\an8}They gave us water
and brought a bill. What?

{\an8}A bill? Absolutely not.
I asked them to bring out the owner.

{\an8}The owner said I should go to her.

You want to go to w*r with me?

So I went on and…

And this guy was about to
cut into the filth they served.

{\an8}Good thing he didn't eat it,
because we all got sick.

{\an8}I'm calling the health department.

{\an8}I was sick, I swear!

{\an8}I was throwing up
because of the chicken this woman served!

And it happened to all of us!

And listen to this.

{\an8}Zeta went to ask for water,

{\an8}and they charged us for a bottle
that wasn't champagne, but warm cider!

No, Sofi. Leave it. I'll do it.

No, it's too heavy.

-I can handle it, don't worry.
-So you're leaving.

Yes.

You can come back any time,
this is your home.

I know.

Are you okay?

Yes.

You?

Fantastic.

Bye, Mom.

Bye.

-Don't cry, you big baby. Stop, please.
-No.

Take care.
And promise me you'll come visit.

-I promise.
-Really?

Okay.

Blessings, kiddo.

-I love you, Frida.
-I love you more.

-Enough with the drama.
-Okay, go.

Take good care of yourself, okay?

-Bye.
-Bye.

Sofía!

-Sofía! Come here!
-What?

-Your mom!
-What happened?

-It's your mom. I don't know. Ma'am!
-Mom!

-Mom! What happened? Call a doctor, Frida!
-Ma'am?

-Mom!
-I don't know!

-I'll call a doctor.
-Call right now!

Mom! Mom! No, no!

I can't hear you.

Mommy! I'm sorry, Mommy.

Oh, no. Frida, I don't know what to do!

Mom!

You fell for it, you dummy.

I can't believe it.

I'm dying.

I'm going to k*ll you.

I'm dying! Sorry.

I was really scared.
I thought you were dead, Mom.

I'm dead.

-I'm dying.
-You rolled your eyes back.

Let me know if you need anything,
otherwise I'm going to die. I'm dead.

-Why did you roll your eyes back?
-Oh, no. You went, "Mommy!"

Stop it, you dummy. You really scared me.

Where did you learn to faint?

I'm a diva.

-I'm La One.
-Your eyes went all white.

If we're going to eat, then give us food.

Not those tiny sandwiches
with that fake-a*s ham, you idiot.

Cheapskate!

And desperate for a picture.

My friend Zeta asked for champagne
so we could make a toast.

She said, "No champagne. Have some water."
For Zeta, water's an insult.

Ridiculous!

-Hi, César. I'm eating.
-Are you watching?

-Wait a sec.
-I'll wait, hon.

I've gone from the ranch to sky-high.
At a ranch, they treat you right.

They flatter you, they pamper you.
This was something else.

That woman's ridiculous.

What was that? Honey, please!

-Go ahead.
-The network called.

-The ratings double every time it's on.
-I'm impressed by my fame.

-Did you see the remix someone made?
-What?

A great remix with your quotes.
I'll send it to you.

Yes, send it to me, please.

The owner's a complete lunatic
We saw that

She treated the guys horribly

But I don't need that clown

But when I saw that woman's face
Trying to get into every interview

Desperate to be on camera

She went on about the banner

She gave me a crown
What is this?

This

This
What is this?

We got these disgusting little plates

With tiny sandwiches
That were awful quality

Not even real ham
More like a sham

Everything was cheap
Everything was cheap

What?

I'm desensitized to all the bullshit

What?

What is this?

If you want to cry, cry
What?

I have an identity crisis

Because I can't be more me
Me, me

Me, me, me

What can you expect from a donkey
other than a kick?

Oh honey

I'm the Republic, guys
Respect me

Synthetic hair
Is not compatible with brain cells

I'm Mother "Tit-resa" of Calcutta
Napoleon Bonaparte with t*ts

I'm a Ministry with t*ts

t*ts, t*ts, t*ts

And listen to this
This is an absolute zoo

They charged us for a bottle
That wasn't champagne, but warm cider

I'm calling the Health Department
The Health Department

Warm cider

Here I am
With my brilliant mind

My sharp tongue, satirical, splendid
Insightful, prodigious

Here I am with my sacred face
My baroque body

Magnificent on the inside
Unrivaled on the outside

The real deal
Me, La One, unique and first

Warm cider

Here I am, Monumental
Me, La One

I've been number one since I was born

How sensitive, honey

What industry are you talking about?
A decadent industry

The more you say
The worse it gets, queenie

If you want to cry, cry
She needs to shut up

I don't give a flying f*ck

Lectures on morality from her?

Who are they?

Synthetic hair
Is not compatible with brain cells

Cheapskate
Ridiculous

Decadent
They're embarrassing

If you want to cry, cry
What?

What is this?

What is this?

What is this?

Oh, honey

I'm the Republic, guys
Respect me

I'm Mother "Tit-resa" of Calcutta
Napoleon Bonaparte with t*ts

I'm a Ministry with t*ts

t*ts, t*ts, t*ts

And listen to this

They charged us for a bottle
That wasn't champagne, but warm cider

Warm cider!

Warm cider!