04x05 - Uncle Baseball

[bunniefuu]

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Every day is hot dog day!

[ Cow moos ]

Come on, Curt!

Hit us a home run!

Now's your chance,
big guy!

Whoo! Mama's baby!
You can do it, buddy!

Yeah, big guy.

Now's your chance
to hit a home run

and take away
our tiny lead.

Yeesh.

Well, maybe I can at least
get on base.

I call this pitch
the Pipsqueak Slider.

[ Grunts ]
[ Grunts ]

You're out!

Oh, man!

Hey, it looks like
you got on base after all.

[ Snorts, laughs ]

Great win, everyone.

Now go shake
the losers' hands,

and then we'll go out
for some victory pizza.

Aw, coach, do we have to?

I don't want to get their
loser stank all over our hands.

[ Grumbles ]
You're right.

We can't risk it if their
pitifulness is contagious.

[ Laughter ]

Just quit, losers!

Aw, don't worry about them.

We just got to practice harder.

Good thing we got
the most loyal coach

in the whole league
to help us.

Ain't that right, coach?
Sorry, g*ng.

This uniform brings me
too much shame.

You guys are on your own.

O...kay.

Well, at least we still have
this beautiful, well lit field

to practice on all night.

O...kay.

Well, at least our parents can
still take us out for ice cream.

Actually, we're just gonna try
and make new kids.

Sorry. Good luck!

O...kay.

Well, at least
we've got our dignity.

What dignity?
[ Laughs ]

Okay.
Maybe we should just quit.

[ Rustling ]

[ Muffled ]
Good morning!

[ Chewing ]

Uncle Grandpa coming out
of a corn patch?

Well, that came out
of left field.

Actually, that came out
of right field.

[ Laughs ]

Hey, wait a minute.

Why do you guys
all look so glum?

Well, we're thinking about
quitting this little league.

We just lost another game
to our rival team.

Yeah, and they trash talked us
pretty hard.

Aw, they just trash talk
to make themselves feel better.

It's a common technique used
by people with low self esteem

to mask their insecurities.

♪♪

So, why don't you let me
be your new coach,

and I'll put you on the path
to victory?

Sure. Why not?

Great! My first order
of business as your coach

is to set you guys up
with some new uniforms.

New uniforms?

Say hello to this!

Cool!
Lasers!

Lasers?

Oh.
Little masking tape issue.

Here we go.

The Losers?
That's right.

I don't want to inflate your
egos with a powerful team name,

so we're staying humble.

Okay. Well, now that we have
a new team name,

are you gonna teach us anything
about baseball?

No.

I don't know much
about baseball,

but I know some people that do.

Man: If you call them,
they will come.

Yeah, I know.

[ Telephone ringing ]

Okay, send in the fellas.

Introducing
Major League Baseball

All Star pitcher Chris Archer!

What's up, team?

All Star center fielder
Adam Jones!

How y'all doing?

All Star second baseman
Jose Altuve!

Happy to be here.

Cy Young Award winner
David Price.

Good morning,
Coach Grandpa.

And the powerhouse pitcher
that his fans call "Thor,"

Noah Syndergaard!

I'm guessing you want me
to sign that for you?

Yes, please.

No way!

These pros
are gonna help us?!

That's right. These big leaguers
will train you

to beat those trash talking
trouble makers.

I can't wait to get big and
strong like my baseball heroes.

Actually, Jake, baseball is a
game that's only 10% physical.

The other 90%  
It's all mental.

That's right, which is why we
use an Eastern style approach

to this sport.
A nice balance of inner chi

and discipline are the key
ingredients to success.

It's a little unconventional,

but it's helped all of us
in our careers.

We'd be happy
to teach you guys

how we do things
in the big leagues.

Awesome!
Oh, yeah!

Okay, guys,
but in an effort to save time,

can I suggest using a montage?

You got it.
You got it.

♪♪

[ Straining ]

[ Grunting ]

Okay, okay, enough montage.

These pros got to get going.

Aw, man!
Aw, man!

We thought they were gonna stay
for the game.

On this show?
Yeah, yeah, right.

We don't have the budget to have
them for the whole episode.

We taught you everything you
need to know about baseball.

It's just hitting the ball with
a stick. How hard could it be?

It's easy now that you've
helped us find our Zen.

Remember to keep those chakras
aligned at the plate.

You guys are gonna be great.
I know it.

We'll be at your game
in spirit.

Whoa!
What nice guys

who are in it for the passion
and definitely not the money.

Let's all just get together
for a nice picture

before they have to  
Uh, guys?

Welp, guess we ran out
of budget.

Anyhoo, we got plenty of time
before game day,

so we can just take it easy.

[ Stadium organ plays ]

Where did the time go?!

Hey, Losers,
your new uniforms look dumb!

Yeah, at least now
their team name is accurate!

[ Laughter ]

Just remember  

They pick on other people
to make themselves feel better.

Don't listen to them.

Play ball!

Crowd:
♪ Take me out to the ball game ♪

Om...

♪ Take me out to the crowd ♪

[ Grunts ]
Strike one!

Strike two!
[ Grunting ]

Strike three! You're out!

[ Groans ]

♪ I don't care
if I ever get back ♪

♪ And it's root, root, root ♪

You're out!
♪ For the home team ♪

♪ If they don't win,
it's a shame ♪

♪ For it's one, two ♪

Safe!
♪ Three strikes you're out ♪

Come on, boys!
♪ At the old ball game ♪

Umpire: Ball.

Ball. Ball.

Come on.
She's got no strike zone.

Ball.
Better take your base.

♪♪

Stee rike!

[ Middle Eastern
sitar music playing ]

Time out!

Bring it in, boys.

You guys are looking confident
out there,

but you got to be c*ck
if you're ever gonna win.

Now, let me see
those c*ck eyebrows, son.

[ Poink! ]

Perfect!
You got to be c*ck and talky

if you want to win!

Now, get out there
and get those lips flapping!

Let's show them
who the real winners are!

Hey, batter, batter.

Looks like you've been eating
cake batter.

Strike!

Hey, batter.
[ Sniffs ]

You smell something stinky?

What? No.
[ Grunts ]

Then why'd you take
such a big whiff?

But   But I...

Strike three!
You're out!

We want a pitcher,
not a belly itcher!

It's just
a non chronic rash!

[ Ka pow! ]

You want some fries
with that shake?

You're out!

I'm the best!

We'll never lose!

Cut, cut!

I mean, pause, pause.

That ain't right.

Time out! Time out!

Bring it in for a chat.

We're losing.
This is our last chance.

Honestly, I just called a chat

because it seemed to work
for them.

Maybe just remember
what you heard from the pros?

We'll be at your game in spirit,
I promise,

from the spirit plane.

[ Ting! ]

Remember, 10% physical,

♪♪

Well, I got nothing.

Let's do this!

Strike three!

Aw, yeah!

Welp, this decides
if we win or lose.

No pressure.

I've got some help.
I'm not worried.

Hey, loser, promise not to cry
when you lose?

Sticks and stones
can break my bones,

but words can never hurt me.

Ohh! Ow!

My shoulder feels broken.

Take your base.

[ Whimpering ]

Hey!

Big baby. We're up by one.
They'll never get a hit,

especially with
this next batter,

who swings like a girl!

I am a girl!

Ooh!

Eat this!

What?!

I got it!

No way!

I'm making
the game winning play!

No, I'm the MVP!

Safe!
They just tied it up!

Quit being so c*ck
and catch the ball!

What if we both caught it
and shared the MVP title?

Great idea!

No!

What's happening?!

It feels like whatever
the opposite of confident is.

Home run!

[ All cheering ]

I hate this game!

You're not winners.
You're just whiners!

[ Laughing ]
[ Crying ]

No, don't stoop
to their level.

You're better than that.

Winning comes
with responsibility.

You're not big, jiggly oafs
like them.

Led by a stinky,
bird brained coach!

[ Both crying ]

Kids, we want you back.
We're sorry.

And I want to be
your coach again.

I'll take you all out
for pizza.

I don't know.

I'll make it two toppings.

[ All cheering ]
Two toppings!

Whoo hoo!
Yay!

Now, that's what being
a major leaguer is all about  

helping kids.
Yeah.

Now, how do we get off
this scoreboard?

[ Creak! Pop! ]

Play ball!

Wait, don't swing!

[ Creak! Pop! ]

That was quite delicious.