08x20 - Split Decision

[bunniefuu]

All right, Angela,
I got this one, get back.

No, it's on my side,
I'll get it.

No, please, Angie,
let me, let me!

Tony!
Let--

Okay, you get it.

I thought you
were gonna get it.

Well, I was, but I thought

you were gonna shove me
out of the way away like you did

on every other shot!
And now you see why.

[TONY GRUNTS]

Great, thanks to you,

one more point,
it's their match.

-Oh, Tony, it's only a game.
On--

Only a game, Angela?
Only a game?

Only losers say
it's only a game.

-[ANGELA GASPS]
BILL: Match point!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

All right, look.
New strategy. Come here.

We'll divide up the court.
You play this section here.

What section?

The section
right around your feet.

I'll take
everything else.

Gee, do you think
I can handle it?

It doesn't matter.
I'm gonna back you up.

[GRUMBLES]

[TONY GRUNTS]
Ooh! Get it! Get it!

Why didn't you get it?

-It was out of my section.
[GROANS]

Oh, that's cute,
Angela, cute.

Now, we're going
to have to listen

to those animals gloat
over kicking our butts.

Nice game, young man.

The sun was in my eyes.

Better luck next time, sir.

[MOCKS] Better luck
next time, sir.

Oh, thank you for the game,
Shelly. And you too, Bill.

Look at her strut,
that c*ck little brat.

Tony.
I want her and Reverend Bill

off our wedding list, right now!

Tony, ple--

Please, we came here
to unwind.

To forget about work,
and the wedding plans

and everything else.
I know, I know.

Okay, so, let's
just forget about the game,

and we'll go
have a nice, relaxing lunch.

All right, fine.
Hey, but eat light.

'Cause right after lunch,
we're challenging those two

to a tug of w*r.

I hear the
old Reverend's hip

is hanging on by a thread.
Come on.

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life
A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

I know. I know.

I know.
And your lunch

would be up any moment.
Thank you, um, listen, um.

You-- you see that,
that gentleman over there

with his granddaughter?
Would you, uh,

just send her
a hot fudge sundae

and tell her
that the best team won.

Very good, sir.
Thank you.

Oh, that is so sweet
of you, Tony.

Oh, gee, Angela, you know,

I know I go crazy
and I lose my temper.

I hate when I do that.

It's okay. It's just you.
Thank you. Thank you.

You know, Angela-- Salud.
Hmm.

You're the best thing
that ever happened

to me, Angela. [CHUCKLES]

And this fish
is the worst!

Oh, what did you do?
Wrestle this away from the cat?

[EXHALES SHARPLY] Tony, Tony.
Uh, is there a problem, sir?

Yeah, yes.
There's a problem.

I ordered a salmon,
you bring me a minnow.

[SPEAKS ITALIAN]
Tony, please.

There must be a 100 people
in this restaurant,

that I know,
and they're all staring.

Angela, please,
that's just your imag--

Oh, what are you
looking at, pal?

Would you like me
to take your lunch back, sir?

Yes, I'd like you
to take my lunch back.

And-- and use it
as a piece of bait

to catch me a real fish.
[ANGELA SIGHS]

And by the way, tell the chef
to come out here.

I'd like to talk to him
right now.

Uh, Tony, Tony,

this is not worth
dragging the chef out for.

What are you talking about?
Angela, we are having

our wedding reception here.

I want to make sure
this thing doesn't happen then.

Oh, Tony, we've been
to a million functions here,

and they've always
been fine.

"They've always been fine."
I don't want fine, Angela.

I want perfection.
Well, I'm sure it will be,

and even if it isn't
absolutely perfect,

that'll be okay, too.

What? You see, Angela.
The minute that you're ready

to accept failure
on the tennis court,

it spills over
to the rest of your life.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about
your lackadaisical attitude.

Lackadaisical?
Yes, lackadaisical.

Well, the hell, at least
I'm not competitive,

obsessive,
and demanding.

Hey, yo. I called you one name.
You called me three.

That's not fair.

[SCOFFS] It's also
not lackadaisical.

Okay, fine. Call me names.

But at least I'm man enough
to stand up for what I want.

[SIGHS]
And you know what?

While I'm up,
I'm outta here.
To--

[TONY MOCKS ANGELA]
Oh--

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[SIGHS]

Is this fish big enough
for you?

Think I'm gonna need
a little more lemon.

[SAM CLEARS THROAT]

[FIZZES, POPS]

Could you please
knock that off?

What? What am I doing?

I'm trying to study.
You walk into a room,

and-- and I can't
think straight.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
Do you want me to leave?

I didn't say that.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh, the newlyweds.
Oh, we were just studying.

If you're lucky,
she'll keep you after class.

Sam, I've really got
to get to my books.

You may be done with
your finals, but I'm not.

Okay, don't worry.

Because I'm not going
to distract you again.

Okay? I promise.
[CHUCKLES]

So, Mona, you all packed?

Yeah. Look at this brochure.
This spa has everything.

Facials, mud baths, massages.
Oh, look at that jacuzzi.

Oh, I'd just love
to sit in that hot tub

and have a massage,

and then have someone
just pour me into the bed,

All warm and relaxed.
Stop it!

Stop... it!

Do you want me
to just go into the other room?

How about another state?

Mona, please,
take her with you,

or I'll never get
any studying done.

Maybe it would be better
if I went with you.

You sure?
Well, if I don't leave

Hank alone, he'll never
accomplish anything.

I understand.

The same was true with me
and Dr. Leo Thompson

and his cure
for the common cold.

There is no cure
for the common cold.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

[TONY GRUMBLES]
Hey, guys, how was tennis?

Not good.
Tony and I have agreed

never to play tennis
together again.

Or eat lunch together.
Or drive in the same car.

Hey, the guy cut me off!

So you had to cut him off?
Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey.
Is it just me

or are you two having more
and more of these petty fights,

the closer it gets
to the wedding?

You know,
I think you're right.

Oh, baloney.

What?

[IMITATES ANGELA] What?

Yeah, it's just me.
[CHUCKLES]

See, there is only
one thing to do here.

The two of you have to go
your separate ways.

What are you talking about?
Mother!

I mean, only for
a couple of days.

Now, Angela, you come to
the spa with Sam and me.

[ANGELA SIGHS]
Tony, you stay here.

You two obviously need
a breather from each other.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah,
you guys have been bickering

a lot lately.
We're not that bad,

and we certainly don't need
separate vacations.

That's right.

And if things have been
a little strained between us,

it's only because I've been
under a lot of pressure

at work, and I'm sorry, Tony.
Oh, Angela, it-- it's not you.

It's not you. You know,
I've been going crazy

with the wedding plans
and everything.

If there's any fault here,
it's mine.

Don't blame yourself.
Well, I want to blame myself.

Well, you shouldn't.
Oh, please,

don't tell me
what to do, huh?

I'm not telling you what to do,
and don't be so defensive.

Defensive?
I'm not being defensive.

I'm just trying
to take responsibility

for something I don't
feel responsible for.

Oh, so you think
this is my fault?

Yes. And that little fish
was little!

I can be packed in 20 minutes.

Oh, you know,
if I was going with you,

I could be ready in 15.

SAM: Hey, how was your massage?
[ANGELA MOANS]

Who was your masseur?
Karl.

[MONA MOANS]

[SIGHS] You were right.

This is a great idea,
it's exactly what I needed.

Oh, well, sure,
you just needed to get away

from the tension,
the pressure...

The Tony.
[SAM CHUCKLES]

Oh, I just felt something
knot up.

SAM: Mmm?
MONA: Uh-oh.

Now, don't get me wrong.
I love Tony.

I just wish he was
a little bit more laid back.

I don't know why he always
has to push and drive

and nitpick.
Angela, will you stop it?

You came down here
to get away from Tony.

Stop thinking about it, mami,
out of sight, out of mind.

Maybe not
so out of sight.

Boy, does that guy
look like Dad.

ANGELA: Where?

Hey, he is kind
of Tony-esque.

Oh, my God!
It's Tony's doppelganger!

What?

You have seen
Tony's doppelganger?

It means his double.

God, that man
could be Tony's twin.

If I didn't know better,
I'd swear that was Tony.

Oh!

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I think that was out.
[LAUGHS]

No. It's definitely
not Tony.

Looks like
he's coming over here.

Uh-oh, be cool.
Okay. Okay.

Um...

Hi. I-- I-- couldn't help
but notice

you-- you kept looking
at me there.

Is it, uh,
do I-- do I know you,

or is it just the way
I wear my soup?

[ALL LAUGH]

No, you just

look remarkably
like someone I know.

Well, I, I do get that a lot.

That guy from Taxi, right?

No. Just a guy

she's not supposed to be
thinking about right now.

Hi. I'm Mona.
Oh, hi, Mona, my pleasure.

And this is Samantha.
Hi. How you doing?

Hi, pleasure.
This is my daughter Angela.

Close your mouth, dear.

Tom Ceratelli.
Nice to meet you, Angela.

May I-- may I join you?
[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Of-- uh--
uh-- sure.

MONA: Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
ANGELA: Please. Just--

ANGELA: Uh...
That okay?

ANGELA: Yeah. Well...
Okay, thanks.

Ceratelli? That's an
Italian name, isn't it?

TOM: Yes.
You wouldn't happen to have

any relatives in Brooklyn,
would you?

Uh, no. My family's
from San Francisco.

Oh, that's great!
It's nowhere near Brooklyn.

She also knows
many state capitals.

You were, um,
you were pretty cool

about that tennis ball
in the soup thing.

Somebody else probably

would have
completely flipped out.

Really? Well, my philosophy
of life is to just,

you know, take things
as they come.

Let life flow over you
like a mountain spring

and eventually you'll reach
that placid lake. [CHUCKLES]

Adopt me.

Me too.
[ANGELA CHUCKLES]

One more question, Ton--
I mean, Tom.

Hypothetically speaking,
you're driving down the road,

and someone cuts you off,
what do you do?

Well, I've never given that
much thought, Angela.

But... [CLICKS TONGUE]
...I guess I would

pull over and
let the lout pass me by.

You know, I never can understand
why people get so upset

over traffic incidents.
You see it all the time and I--

I think why absorb
all that negative energy?

It's just
not a good life choice.

So, you wouldn't slam
on your brakes, cut him off,

and scream at your poor fiancée
all the way home?

Oh, heavens, no.
Heavens, no.

I mean, what kind of man
would be that immature,

that childish?

So the guy cuts me off, right?
And I explode.

But the laugh's on him.

Because I get his
license plate number, right?

I make a couple of calls,
I get his address,

and now, I'm mailing him
a stink b*mb.

You've got a lot of time
on your hands, don't you, Tony?

Yeah, yeah.
I do, I do.

Especially with your mom gone.
But, you know what?

I love it, I love it.

You know, I needed
a little break from her.

Not to have to think about her,
not to have to worry about her.

Just a little free time
for me to do my own thing,

you know. [CHUCKLES]
Great, so what's first,

-you going out?
-Yeah, I'm going to go

get Angela's car washed,

and I'm going to take
her clothes to the laundry.

Boy, you're a real wild guy,
Tony.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, let's see, we got a scarf.

We got a couple
of jackets here.

A pair of men's pants,
a jac--

Wait a minute.

What are a pair
of men's pants doing

in Angela's closet?

I don't know.
Maybe they're mine.

I don't think so.

Oh, well, I'm sure
there's some explanation.

I wouldn't worry about it.
I'm not worried.

What do I got
to be worried about?

I'm not worried.
Okay.

Yeah. All right.
Listen, have a good time.

But be careful out there.
See you later.

Okay.

I'll get to the bottom
of these pants.

Let's see.

Aha!

Sugarless gum.

He's tall,
he's got good teeth,

and he's missing his pants.

He should stick out
like a sore thumb.

Hey! What are you doing?

A little detective work.

Oh, just mail the stink b*mb
and get it over with.

No, no, no.
I'm on a new case now.

I found this pair of men's pants
rolled up in Angela's closet,

just tossed there like--
like in a moment of passion.

Angela?
Yeah,

and it had to be
within the last three weeks

because that's the last time
I cleaned out her closet,

which coincides
directly with the time

that she started getting
a little tense

and impatient with me.

Coincidence?
Yes.

Tony, Tony,
don't let your imagination

carry you away.
Mm-hmm.

I won't, but look at this!

A monogram.

"T.T."

T.T., tall guy.
Tall guy, T.T.

Tommy Tune!

You want this one, Angela?
No. I think it's your turn.

Oh, gee, I hate to hog it.

Uh...

Oops. Oh, well. [LAUGHS]

You know, no matter
how many times that happens,

it always makes me laugh.
[LAUGHS]

I-- I told you

I wasn't a very good
doubles partner.

No, that's okay.
I don't mind losing.

Nice game. Sure taught me
a thing or two.

[CHUCKLES] Bye-bye.

Maybe you could have won
with your regular partner.

No, but to tell you the truth,
she takes tennis so seriously.

Don't you just hate that?
Who needs the stress?

You know, I--
I never realized

that tennis
could actually be fun.

Well, then, perhaps...

you've been playing
with the wrong guy.

"T.T."

Bingo!

Why, you dirty...

Hello. Ted Thomas?

You don't know me,
but how long is your inseam?

You know, the distance
from your cuff to your-- Hello?

I hope you didn't tell him
your name.

Ted Thomas is my shop teacher.

Is he tall?

Will you forget the pants?
I can't.

I can't forget the pants.
I got to know

what's going on, Jonathan.
I gotta know!

Nothing’s going on.
You know Mom as well as I do.

She'd never look at another guy.

Sorry. Excuse me for staring,
but you really do remind me

so much of someone I know.

I mean, looks wise,
personality wise,

you couldn't
be more different.

Oh, thank you. I think.

Oh, no. It's a compliment.
Oh.

WOMAN: Smile.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, okay.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[CHUCKLES]

Complimentary souvenir.
Oh.

And here's
something for your...

trouble. Thank you
very much. [CHUCKLES]

Hey! Watch it, man!
[GROANS]

I could've hurt my foot.

I'm very sorry, friend,
please forgive me.

Yeah, right!
You clumsy oaf.

I'm sorry,
again, pal. Um,

I'm thinking healing thoughts
for you foot, though.

Oh!

The nerve of that guy!
You were just sitting there.

Doesn't really matter.
No! Maybe he should apologize

to you.
Well, maybe so, but,

no-- no reason
to make a scene.
It just adds

to the world's reservoir
of negativity.

Well, that's very new age
of you, Tom. Thank you.

When someone wrongs you--
Well, Angela, really there--

there is no right or wrong,
it's just whatever. [CHUCKLES]

Come on, let's-- let's enjoy
our lunch. Looks wonderful.

Uh-oh.

This is well-done.
I ordered it rare.

Well, you can't always get
what you want.

You can if you send it back.
Waiter!

Oh, Angela, please.
There's-- there's no reason

to make a fuss.
I'm not making a fuss.

I just want what I ordered.

Well, why don't you
take this as
an opportunity

to try something new.

I don't want new, Tom.

I want red meat,
blood-red meat. Waiter!

Look, Angela. You're--
you're making a scene.

No need to be so uptight.
I am not.

How can you be
so lackadaisical?

A million years from now,

no one will care if your burger
was well done or rare.

And a million years from now,
nobody will care

if I bothered the waiter.
Hey, you! Get over here!

[SPEAKS ITALIAN]

Angela, A-- Angela, please.
People are starting to stare.

Oh.
That's just your imagination.

Hey, what are you
looking at, pal?

Hey, everybody! We're home!

Hello!
Hello!

Oh, hey, guys!
How was the trip?

Oh. It was great.
Sam?

Sam.

Hi, honey.
How's studying going?

Great. I'm done.
Now it's just you and me.

SAM: Oh! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Oh, honey, what's the matter?

I spent too much time
exercising.

I mean, between tennis,
aerobics, the weight room,

I've pulled every muscle
in my body.

Oh, you poor--
No. Don't touch me, okay?

At least not for a week.

Rookies. They got to learn
to play with pain.

[ANGELA EXHALES SHARPLY]

So, sweetheart,
how was your weekend?

Oh. Just great.
Oh! Go-- good.
Where's Tony?

My guess,
stalking Tommy Tune.

What?
What?

He found a pair of
men's pants in Mom's closet.

And he's been going nuts
over it the whole weekend.

[GASPS] You're kidding.
[CHUCKLES]

Hello, Angela.

Hi, Mona.

How was--
how was the trip?

Very nice.

Good.
That's-- that's good to hear.

That's good to hear.

Oops!

My shoe's untied.

[IMITATES MECHANICAL SOUNDS]

My goodness, Tony,

where did you get
those very long laces?

[MONA CHUCKLES]

You told her everything,
didn't you?

Not everything. I was trying
to protect your dignity.

Too late.

Oh, wait a minute.
Don't-- This is not funny.

It's not funny.
You have nothing
to laugh about.

You have some explaining
to do.

Who is T.T?

And why are his pants
in your closet?

Well, I guess
I better tell you.

Do you remember when I was
working on the commercial

for that tall men's store?

Yeah. Oh, no!

Not one of them models.
Which one?

The wooden one.

The wooden one? No.

The wooden one. Well,
none of them could act worth

a damn. Which one?

The mannequin.

The mannequin?

The tall, wooden mannequin
from the Tall Threads shop.

So--

So the-- the T.T.
stood for...

Tall Threads?
That's right.

And I was, uh...

jealous over a mannequin?
Right again.

How fitting.

Those pants went
from one dummy to another.

God, you amused me.
[LAUGHS]

I don't believe you.
[TONY SNIFFLES]

I know. I know.
I went crazy.
I flipped out.

[STAMMERS]
Add it to the list of those--

of those little traits of mine
that drive you crazy.

Go ahead. Let me have it.
Give me your best shot.

I deserve it.

[SIGHS]

What was that for?

That's for all your
little traits

that drive me crazy.

And that's for
all your traits
that don't.

And that's
for the whole package.

So, uh,
what you're saying is,

is that you-- you love me,
warts and all.

[ANGELA SIGHS]

Even the things that
some people

might call... obnoxious?

I didn't know how much
I missed them

until they were gone.

[SIGHS] Oh, that's--
that's great, Angela.

'Cause you know,
I got some other traits

that are gonna curl your hair.

Come on, I'll fill you in.
I'll fill you in. Come on.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!
Oh.

Who's this banana?

Just someone
I played some tennis with.

No one to be jealous of.

Jealous? What?
Are you kidding me?

Over this
goofy-looking bird?

Must be k*lling
that mustache.

TONY: Who's the Boss?
Will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

I wanna compliment you.
Hmm.

I missed three shots
and you didn't yell at me once.

Well, Angela. I've grown.

Hey! Hey, I know you.
Aren't you that guy
from Taxi ?

[LAUGHS]

No, no. I'm not. But, I--
I do get that a lot.

Come on, come on, you look
just like him, you must be him.

Huh? Huh? Huh?
[CHUCKLES]

No, look, look, pal.
I just told you,
I'm not him.

So take it on
the archers, will ya?

Sheesh! Some people!

Excuse me?
Yeah?

Aren't you that guy from Taxi?

That's me.

[♪♪♪]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]