08x09 - Grandmommie Dearest

[bunniefuu]

Tony, Jonathan,
come on, let's go,

Nanna's plane gets here
in two hours.

Mom, why do we have to leave
so early?

Because she's coming all the way
from England and when she

gets off the plane I want her
to see a familiar face.

[CHUCKLES] Well, you know,
it's-- it's--

it's been almost seven years
she--

she probably wouldn't even
recognize you. [CHUCKLES]

What?

Not-- not that you've changed,
you know, if anything--

if anything you--
you look younger, much younger.

-Come on, Jonathan, let's go.
-Okay. Okay. I'm all ready.

Oh, you're coming to the airport
to pick up your mother with us?

Huh, get real. I'm catching
a plane to Bermuda.

Oh, Mother, I was hoping

this time things would be
different between you two.

They will. She'll be here.

And I'll be on the beach
trolling for Cabaña boys.

Oh, come on, Mona,
what do you mean? Well, you--

How could you not want
to see your own mother?

What's the matter? You afraid

she's going
to give you a curfew?

Oh, she makes me nervous
and awkward and uptight.

I mean, when she's around,
I feel like Angela.

Uh-oh. You think
Bermuda's far enough?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Very funny, you two.
Mother, you have to stay here.

Angela, she's really here
to see you.

Believe me, she will not even
know that I'm gone.

-Mother.
-Angela. Oh.

-You see?
-Nanna. Oh, Nanna.

-Nanna's here! Nanna's here.
-This isn't Jonathan, is it?

-How long has it been?
-Oh, eight birthday checks.

And thanks for keeping
pace with inflation.

What else would
I do with my money?

Oh. Hello, dear.

Nanna, what happened
to your plane?

I thought you weren't due
for another two hours.

The last minute, I decided
to take the Concorde.

At my age, every second counts.

Oh, great. Now she'll be here
an extra two hours.

-Shh.
-What did you say?

-Uh, well-- [STAMMERS]
-Don't stammer, dear.

There's nothing to be
nervous about,

unless of course, you're trying
to skip out on me again.

No. I-- [STAMMERS]

That's what I thought.

[TONY LAUGHS]

Busted. She's got your number.
[LAUGHS]

-And you are?
-Hey, Nanna-- [STAMMERS]

-How does it feel, bigmouth?
-TONY: Hmm.

I-- I'm sorry.
Forgive my manners.

Uh, Nanna, I want you
to meet Tony Micelli.

-Tony, my Nanna, Mrs. Reynolds.
-Hello, Mrs. Reynolds.

So, this is the famous
housekeeper from Brooklyn

you wrote me about.

He's even more attractive
than you described him.

Oh, thank you, thank you.
And I--

and I'm not just a pretty face.
I can cook, too.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Here, let me--
let me get your coat.

-Well, thank you, dear.
-Sure, sure.

NANNA: So, Angela.

When am I going
to meet your fiance?

You just did.

You're going to marry
your housekeeper?

Yes.

Nanna.

That's the worst case of jet lag
I've ever seen.

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life
A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

Nanna?

Nanna.

Hey, here, here, here.
Try this. Try this.

-Garlic?
-Yeah, yeah. Trust me.

It's like
Italian smelling salts.

And after you're finished
with it, I'm gonna make

a great sauce with that.
Go ahead.

Gosh, I hope she's gonna be
all right.

Well, you-- you should have
told her about us.

I knew this was going to happen.
Mother is a rich, elitist snob,

face it, she's just
a big pain in the--

-[NANNA GROANS]
-Oh, Mommy, how are you feeling?

Like I died
in an Italian restaurant.

Oh, you know what,

that's very common for, uh,
for fainters, you know.

Can-- can I, uh,
get you some tea?

-Oh, oh, I'll get it.
-You can't wait to get away

-from me. Can you dear?
-No. I-- [STAMMERS]

Stop and think about
what you want to say.

I just want to get you some tea.

Tony, where do you keep
the water?

The kitchen.

All boobs, no brains.

-Darling, I say that with love.
-[TONY SCOFFS]

I just wish that
we could be closer...

[CHUCKLES]

-...the way you and I are, dear.
-ANGELA: Oh.

Hi. [CHUCKLES]
Remember me? I'm--

I-- I was the reason
you fainted.

[LAUGHS] It is a bit of a shock
for someone who's a little bit

old worldish like me,
uh, to suddenly find out

that her favorite granddaughter
is going to marry the, um...

-the--
-The-- the scullery maid?

-You see my point.
-[BOTH CHUCKLE]

-Yes.
-But Nanna, I-- I don't care

that he's a housekeeper,
I love him and--

and he's studying to be
a teacher and he's gonna be

a great one and maybe someday
he'll be a professor

-or even dean of a university.
-Oh, Angela, Angela, please,

you-- you don't have to sell me
that hard. [CHUCKLES]

Last semester,
I got three As and a B.

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

-Huh? [LAUGHS]
-A teacher, huh?

Uh, well. I'm, uh, I'm--
I'm gonna see, uh,

what's keeping Mona, and then
while I'm in there I'll look--

look up what you said.

What are you looking for?

Anything that says,

-"Harmful if swallowed."
-Oh, please.

I'm just trying to do us both
a favor. I'm telling you,

when you're on that
old lady's hit list,

-you are finished.
-Yeah? Not yet, I'm not.

-Hmm. Well, why bother?
-Because

Nanna's approval
is very important

to Angela and to me.

And anyway, where I come from,
you get the family's blessing.

-Good luck.
-Uh, let me tell you something,

after I'm finished turning on
the old charm,

I'll have her
eating out of my hand.

All the way up to the elbow.

[♪♪♪]

Uh, good morning.

Hmm.

Uh...

Paper, Mum?

-The London Times.
-Yeah, well,

I was going to get you
The Tattler, but, uh...

-NANNA: Mm-hmm.
-...there was this--

this picture of Fergie
in a thong bikini,

and I figured since you wanna
be eating, you know, I don't--

-Thank you.
-Yeah.

Well, you know,
in honor of your visit,

we have...

[CLEARS THROAT]
...English breakfast tea.

Uh-huh. And...

English marmalade,
and, of course...

English muffins.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

What are you doing?

English leather.

-Mr. Micelli.
-Yes, yes?

-Give it a rest.
-Yes, of course.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Oh, great, great. Sam's here.
You-- you're gonna love her.

-Her?
-Oh, yes.

My-- my daughter, Samantha.
You see, um,

actually, well,
she was the reason

that I originally took this job.

You see, our-- our neighborhood
was beginning to get

a little rough, and--
and I wanted

Sam to have a better life.

Well, that's quite noble of you.

Yes, it is, isn't it? [LAUGHS]

Anyway, you're gonna like her.
You-- you know,

she turned up pretty good,
a real lady.

-Oh.
-Hi, Dad.

-Hi, Sam.
-Yo, Tone.

[TONY SIGHS]

Um, M-- Mrs. Reynolds,
this is, uh,

this is my daughter Samantha
and her friend, Al.

-Samantha.
-Pleasure to meet you,

-Mrs. Reynolds.
-Uh...

-Hey.
-...Al.

Um, what-- what did I tell you?
Class act, huh?

Hey, Dad, we're going to go
visit Tiny in jail. Wanna come?

-Uh, well, uh--
-Hey, he would visit you.

In fact, he did.

You were in prison?

Well, it was--
it was a poker game

about ten years ago.
It got a little loud

and the cops came but-- but
all the charges were dropped.

Yeah, lucky for Tony, they
didn't have a search warrant.

Yeah, it was a bad bust.

You guys don't want
to miss visiting hours.

But Dad, Tiny's going to be
real disappointed.

Hey, what do you say
when he gets out,

we all go to the track.

Hey, Grandma,
you play the ponies?

Okay.

-Goodbye, Al.
-You know,

I could swear, I've seen her

-at the two-dollar window.
-Al, goodbye.

You know, kids these day
say the darnedest things.

I mean, you-- you'd at least be
at the ten-dollar window. Right?

I got such a headache.

-Excuse me.
-Yes, of course.

Psst. Is she gone?

-Yeah. You chicken.
-[CHUCKLES]

So, have you got her eating
out of your hand, yet?

No, but she showed me
a lot of teeth.

I don't know what else to do?
I made her a great breakfast.

I turned on all the charm, I--
I did everything but tap dance.

Your tea should be dumped
in the harbor.

[HUMMING]

What are you doing?

I'm-- I'm trying to make
an impression here,

but-- but nothing seems to work.

Oh, I don't know. I'll always
remember your cologne.

Look, I don't care, I don't care
if I can't win your approval,

that's okay, because I can give
Angela something--

something better than--
than money and--

and class and a--
and a great life.

Ugh.

Painted ourselves
into a corner, haven't we?

No, no, because-- because I can
give her happiness.

That's right. And-- and if you
cared about her,

half as much as you say you do,
you wouldn't stand in our way.

Yes!

What was that?

A little gas.

-I'm out of here.
-Mr. Micelli.

Last night, when I was tucking
Angela in, we spoke of you.

Every time she said your name,
her face lit up.

-Really?
-Yes. Kind of like that.

Now, who am I to stand
in the way of love?

Please forgive
an old lady's prejudices

ingrained upon her soul
for generations.

Done. [LAUGHS]

-Thank you.
-Hey, you know,

I knew inside
of that tough exterior

was a heart of mush, huh.

Hey, what do you say
after my classes,

we spend the afternoon together.

-Nothing could make me happier.
-Oh, that's great.

♪ A tea for two ♪

♪ A do do do do ♪

Amazing.

He really got you
to like him.

As God is my witness,

I will see that that man
never marries Angela.

TONY: ♪ A do do do do ♪

-Oh, I-- I forgot my books.
-Oh, here they are, love.

Oh, thank you. [CHUCKLES]
My little Nanna.

[TONY LAUGHS]

[TAP DANCING]

-Hi.
-[LAUGHS] Hi.

-So, you and Nanna have fun?
-We had a smashing good time.

We had lunch in Southport.
A jaunt through the museum.

I even showed her where I bowled
my 228.

-You should've seen her face.
-Oh, Tony.

Oh, I'm so relieved.
I guess we can put Nanna

at the top of our wedding list.

You are so blind.

She's trying
to break you two up.

Oh, come on, Mona.

Let me tell you something,
Nanna likes me.

She thinks I'm a bit
of all right.

More than a bit.

Can't you see that
she's luring you in?

[SMOOCHES] Here, boy. Here, boy.
Then, boom! You're kibble.

Angela, a gift

-for the lovebirds.
-Oh. What a fiend.

Oh. Oh, my.

Your antique crystal
candlesticks.

-I've always loved these.
-[LAUGHS] I know that, honey.

-And now they're yours.
-[TONY CHUCKLES]

-Both of yours.
-[CHUCKLES] Oh, Nanna.

[IMITATES TONY] Oh, Nanna.

-Speak up, dear. Don't mumble.
-Well, I, uh...

[STAMMERS]

Uh, phone. Phone.

She doesn't like me, does she?

-That's not true.
-No. She thinks I'm evil.

Well, that part is true.

Well, she-- she thinks you're
trying to break Angela and I up.

And I don't know where she gets
these ideas from.

Well, I do. From me.

What?

Yes, when I told her

that I was going to give you
the candlesticks,

I mentioned,
that I was concerned

that they stay in the family.

-Well, why-- why wouldn't they?
-Yeah, I mean, you know,

stuff like this is pretty hard
to pawn, you know.

Kidding. Just kidding.

[STAMMERS] Why would you
even be concerned?

Oh, because of my niece, Claire.

Oh, it was just a nightmare
when she got divorced.

I mean, her ex-husband got
all my mother's china.

Why, that rotten rapscallion.

If only something
we could have done

or they could've done
to prevent that.

Uh... [STAMMERS]

...you mean like a--
like a prenuptial agreement?

Well, honey, that's just
the phrase Mona used.

Then she made me feel
like an awful ogre

-for even thinking about that.
-Oh, that mean, old Mona.

Well, Tony and I don't need
a prenuptial agreement.

Um, Nanna, excuse us a second.
Angela,

-can I have a word with you?
-Sure.

Look, um...

listen I don't-- I don't mind
signing one of those things.

I mean, you know,
I'm not after anything.

I know, and that's exactly why
I don't want to do it.

Yeah, but look,
Nanna's an older lady

and if this is bothering her,
let's put her mind at ease.

You sure?

I want Nanna to be happy.

You are really something.

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
A bit of all right, eh?

Nanna, uh, we just talked
it over, and, uh,

we think a prenuptial agreement
wouldn't be a bad idea.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.
You mustn't do that for me.

No, no, no. Please.
We-- we insist, we insist.

I'll call my lawyer,
and we'll draw up the papers

first thing in the morning.

Oh, honey, I don't know
much about this,

but don't you think, Tony
ought to have his own lawyer?

I mean, his rights have to be
protected, too.

Oh, wow. Oh, that's-- that's
very nice of you, Nanna,

-but I don't have a lawyer.
-I do.

-Is she an angel or what? Oh!
-Really?

Okay, now, you two have agreed
that whatever assets each brings

to this marriage, that's what
you walk away with, right?

-Not that we'll ever walk away.
-That's right.

Okay, good.
I'll need to see your files

of income, assets, and holdings.

That's, uh, everything
you own, Tony?

No, what, are you kidding me?
Here, look.

Now, uh, when you two
get married, you're planning on

putting the house
in both your names?

Uh, well, gee, uh,

-now that you mention it--
-Oh, no, no way, no way.

Come on. This house is hers.

So, in the event
of divorce or death,

you relinquish all claims
to the house.

-Absolutely, positive.
-Uh, excuse me.

Can I have a word
with my client here?

Did I-- I say something wrong?

As your lawyer,
it's my duty to inform you

that once you're married,

you may have a real interest
in this house.

You mean,
aside from cleaning it?

I'm talking about ownership.
You will have contributed

to paying off the house,
maintaining it,

and helping its appreciation.

-Really?
-You know, Tony. He has a point.

In the future, you really will
have a stake in this house.

So, if you and Tony stay married
say, ten years,

you're willing to give him

a percentage
of the house, right?

Uh...

-Sure.
-That's-- that's not necessary.

-How much?
-Seventy-five percent.

-Oh.
-[ANGELA GASPS]

Hey, if you-- if you don't ask,
you don't get.

Very funny.
I think 50 percent is fine.

I agree.
Hey, hey, I'm half a homeowner.

Me, too.

All right. Let's move on
to Angela's other chief asset

which would be the, uh,
Bower Agency.

Oh, whoa, whoa,
hold it, hold it.

Now, look, I have nothing to do
with that. You know that.

I mean, I never even
cleaned the offices, right?

-That's hers, that's hers.
-So, in the event of divorce

or death you relinquish
all claims to the business?

-Absolutely positive.
-Excuse me.

Can I have another word
with my client?

You know I'm-- I'm starting
to feel like Ollie North.

By taking care of the home

and allowing Angela to do
her job, the law credits you

with producing half the assets
of her business.

No wonder I'm so tired
at the end of the day.

Oh, but I don't care--
I don't care what the law says.

I mean, come on.
It's-- it's her business, right?

It's yours, right?

Well, I couldn't do what I do
without you.

Well, then you agree
that for every year

you and Tony are married,

he will receive stock
in the Bower Agency, right?

Oh. You're good. Oh, man.

Hey, Nanna really knows
her lawyers, doesn't she?

Then why-- why don't you
draw up a proposal?

-Fine.
-All right.

Now, let's discuss alimony.

Oh, hey, on that. Whatever
Angela wants, I'll give her.

No, actually,

Angela would pay you
as the lesser earning spouse.

Really? Really?
Well, once-- Well, I--

I couldn't take
any of Angela's money.

So, in the event of divorce

-you will relinquish--
-Excuse me, excuse me.

Could I have a word
with my attorney?

I think, I'm getting
a hang of this now here.

Uh, am I-- am I about
to give away the farm again?

Well, you are entitled to--

Oh, uh, but I don't care
what I'm entitled to.

Now, look, I--I don't wanna take
any of her money.

-So, in the event of divorce.
-Yes, yes, I relinquish.

I relinquish it.
It's relinquished.

Good. All right, let's move on

to, uh,
personal belongings here.

Uh, you know, there seem to be
a-- a couple of items

that are duplicated
on both lists here.

-Well, that's interesting.
-[TONY] You kidding. Really?

Yeah, uh, for instance,
the-- the cookware.

-TONY: Oh.
-Oh. Well, I think,

-Tony should have that...
-Oh.

...even though I bought it.

Thank you.

Good. Uh, then there is
the, uh, cedar chest.

Oh. Well, I thought
you gave that to me.

Well, you-- you loved it,
so, I-- I let you use it,

I mean, even though I--
I did make it for my mother.

But uh, but you-- you go ahead,

you keep it.
It's-- it's yours, it's yours.

-Thank you.
-Okay. Good.

Uh, that leaves
the, uh, mantel clock.

-That's mine.
-That's mine.

Oh. Uh...

I guess you did buy that,

-didn't you?
-No, well, yeah,

but then you paid
for half of it.

I-- I thought so. Well, you--
you found it, so, you take it.

Okay. Thanks.

Boy, you just jumped
right on that one, didn't you?

All right. Why don't you keep
the mantel clock.

It'll go great
with my mother's cedar chest.

Oh, no, no, no. If that's
the way you feel about it

you keep the clock. It'll help
you keep track of time

until you own half my house.

You're making it sound
like I'm trying

to rip you off, Angela.
I mean, after all,

-I didn't take any alimony.
-Oh, thank you very much.

Well, if it wasn't for my
homemaking services,

you might not be where you are
today, isn't that right, Paul?

-Right.
-Thank you.

You may have cooked
for my clients, buddy,

but I'm the one
who got them here.

Oh, so,

finally I find out how you
really feel about

what I do for you, huh?
The truth is out,

and it's not very pretty.

Oh, yeah?

TONY: Ouch!

Tony, what are you do--
Tony, what are you doing?

If Angela thinks that
I'm signing

a prenuptial agreement,
she's got another think

-coming to her.
-But, I...

And then he storms out of there
like a child accusing me

of not appreciating him.
That's the thanks I get

for trying to be fair. I--

Darling, I'm just as shocked
as you are.

But better that you should
find this out now.

-Well--
-[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh. Excuse me, but, um,

here are some personal items
that I found in my room

that I think belong to you.
And I wouldn't want to be

accused of taking anything
that isn't mine.

Oh.

My pantyhose. Goodness,

I didn't know
we were the same size.

We're not. They're torn.

I was gonna use them
to strain paint.

Well, maybe you should
keep them.

You can use them to stick up
somebody else.

That's a low blow down, Angela.

I wasn't trying to take
anything from you.

-You could have fooled me.
-Oh,

-I don't believe you!
-Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Break it up, break it up.

Now, you can't let Nanna
do this to you.

What did you say, young lady?

I, well-- [STAMMERS]

Then mind your own business.

This is my business.
Angela is my daughter,

and I am not going to let you
ruin her life

the way you ruined mine.

Don't say something
you're going to regret.

Daddy faked his death
to get away from you.

-Oh, Mona.
-[ANGELA] Oh.

[MONA LAUGHS]

This is exactly the same thing
you did to me.

When I was in love with the man
of my dreams,

you turned us
against each other.

What are you talking about?

Oh, he was
a beautiful young man,

kind and considerate
and so talented.

And if it hadn't been for her...

today I would be
Mrs. James Earl Jones.

The voice of Darth Vader?

I have got to sit down.

[IMITATES DARTH VADER]
Angela, I am your father.

Tony. What do you mean,
James Earl Jones?

We met when he came to town
doing summer stock...

but Mummy didn't approve of him.

Because he was black?

No. Because he was an actor.

-Oh. Yes...
-Oh.

I will not allow this
to happen again.

Now, these two belong together.
And if you don't like it,

then you are just going
to have to answer to me.

-And me.
-Oh, look.

Angela, I'm sorry,
I was just trying to do

what was best for you.

I know what's best for me,
and it's Tony.

I-- I'm sorry.
I got carried away. I--

I don't want
a prenuptial agreement.

Hey, I-- I don't want one
either. I--

I just want you.

And I want you to keep
my pantyhose.

Oh, Angela.

How can you fight that?

I can't.

Look, kids.

I hope you'll be very happy,
and I...

-I give you my blessing.
-ANGELA: Aw.

Thank you, thank you, Nanna.

-TONY: Thanks, Nanna.
-You're going to need it.

You're out of the will.

And five million dollars.

-Oh, Nanna. Nanna!
-Oh, Nanna.

[TONY] 'Who's the Boss? '
will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

♪ You'll see the crown
Then you watch it-- ♪

Oh.

You know, it's nice of Nanna

to at least let me keep
my crystal candlesticks.

Our crystal candlesticks.

Oh. Sorry.
Our crystal candlesticks.

Well, what do you think?

I think, they look okay there,
but-- but wouldn't--

wouldn't you rather see them up

-on the mantelpiece there?
-No, it's too far away.

I don't think so.
No, I think that's better.

Well-- well, at least look--

Oh!

Oh.

Uh-oh.

Yours broke.

[♪♪♪]