08x05 - Tony Bags a Big One

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN OVER P.A:
Dr. Davis, telephone, please.

Dr. Davis, telephone, please.

I'm sorry, sorry. Oh, Angela.
Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.

I hope she forgives me.

Dad, you heard
what the doctor said.

It's not that serious.
Everything's going to be okay.

Oh, but doctors are trained
to lie, Samantha.

What do you think they mean
by "good bedside manner?"

-Well, uh, I thought--
-Don't you dare answer that.

I was going to agree with Sam.

I know things look bad now,
but trust me,

Angela's going to be just fine.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

[STUTTERS] Yeah, yeah, y--
you're right. You're right.

[GASPS] What happened?
Is everybody okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah, we're fine.

-Are you sure?
-ALL: Yeah!

-We're great, Mom.
-Oh, thank God.

-Ow! What was that for?
-For leaving me this note.

"Dear, Mom,
we're at Mercy General."

"There's been a sh**ting."

"P.S., don't touch the VCR.
I'm taping Macgyver."

-What are you doing?
-Gee!

Lucky for me, I'm in a hospital.

-[MUMBLES]
-Then--Then who was shot?

Smart money's on the guy
behind curtain number one.

Mr. Hamilton?

I can't believe this!
How--How did this happen?

What kind of horrible monster

would do this terrible thing
to you?

[STUTTERS]

You shot my biggest client?

Well, he's just--
he was, you know... [MUTTERS]

Sorry.

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times
I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

Don't worry, Mr. Hamilton.

I'm sure you're going
to be just fine. [CHUCKLES]

He is going to be fine,
isn't he?

Oh, yes. It's just a flesh wound
in the foot.

He's a little drowsy
from the anesthetic,

but he'll recover 100 percent.

Okay, so you were the one
who brought him in?

Yes. That's right. That's right.

And what is your relationship
to the victim?

He's the assailant.

I am not the assailant!
I'm an innocent bystander.

Oh, innocent bystander. Good,
good, stick with that story.

Didn't you have something
to videotape?

I was kidding. So sh**t me!

Never mind.

You know, dad, I could call Gus
from the old neighborhood.

He said if anything
like this ever happened,

he could make it go away.

Sam, go away.

I can't believe you did this!

It wasn't my fault.
It was an accident.

And if anybody's to blame,
it's Mona!

-Me?
-Yes, you!

Yes, if you had listened to me,

none of this would've happened
in the first place!

This would never have happened
if you had just butted-out!

Well, you started this!

Oh, now, so it's my fault
that you're trigger-happy?

[STUTTERS] I did not sh**t
this man!

-[REED GROANS]
-See? Do you see?

All right, now stop it!
Both of you!

Now, Tony, just tell me
exactly what happened.

Oh, yes, right. Ask Tony.
You always pick him first.

I don't care
who tells me the story.

-I just want an explanation.
-I'll tell it.

All right, well,
then just stick to the facts.

I intend to.

I--I guess this all started
when you were saying goodbye

-to dirty Harry here.
-Oh, Mona!

-[GROANS]
-Oh!

[HORN HONKING]

-Tony.
-Yeah.

That's my cab.
I really have to go.

Oh. [MOANS]
I'm going to miss you.

-Me, too.
-I know.

I know.
That's why I packed you this.

Oh, Tony!

Oh, barf.

You're only gonna be gone
two days.

-Two whole days.
-Two whole days.

Or about as long
as it's taking you

to say goodbye.
Will you get going?

All right. All right, Mother.
I need my tickets.

Uh, tickets. Right.
Uh, where did I put them? Uh--

Oh, Mother!
You didn't lose them, did you?

Of course not!

I just can't remember
where I put them.

[CHUCKLES] Well, retrace
your steps, why don't you?

Okay. I was born in Texas.

-I was a beautiful baby.
-Oh...

Mother, Mother--

Oh, relax!
They're around here someplace.

-I found them.
-Of course, you did.

-You saved the day, my hero!
-Wait. Wait a minute

I was the one that stood in line
three hours

for the stupid tickets,
and he's the hero?

-He kisses better.
-Oh. [CHUCKLES]

-Dream on.
-[TONY CHUCKLES]

Oh! I wish you were coming
with me.

Hey, I wish I could go.

I could be ready in ten minutes.

Mother, you get to stay here
and run the office.

Wow!
Clean living finally paid off.

Oh! Oh, Mother, don't forget
to send me the SLEMCO papers.

Oh, and most important,

send the new ad copy
to Reed Hamilton's hotel.

Reed Hamilton? Oh.
I've always wanted to meet him.

Mother, you stay away from him.

-[CHUCKLES]
-I'll call you tonight at 8:00.

-Okay.
-I feel better

just having you in charge here,
my big, strong man.

[MOANS]
Do you really have to go?

I mean, uh,
Hasta la vista, baby.

Oh! [INHALES]

-Well, she's gone.
-Yup!

I guess, uh, you'll be leaving
pretty soon, too, huh? For work?

Yup!

[STAMMERS] I only say that
because it sounds

like you got a lot to do
down there.

-Yup.
-[CHUCKLES]

You're probably so busy,
you can only use one syllable.

-Uh-huh.
-[TONY CHUCKLES]

Hey, look. The only reason
I'd bring it up,

is 'cause Ange left me
in charge.

Excuse me, if you will remember,

Angela put me in charge
of the office.

So I will decide
when it's time to go to work.

Yeah, well, too bad
because you're in the house now

which is under my jurisdiction.

Which means
I'm in charge of you.

Fine.
I will go and run the office.

And you can stay here
and run the vacuum.

[CHUCKLES]
That's how much you know,

because today happens
to be laundry day!

Wisenheimer!

King, of all I survey.

[♪♪♪]

Mona?

Mona?

Oh, excuse me.
Uh, have you seen Mona around?

Yeah,
she's around here somewhere.

[CHUCKLES] Okay. She's probably
faxing her butt to Cleveland.

Leeza, fax this right away.

Hey, what? Oh, come on, Mona.

Angela just left,
and you're faxing your--

Marketing reports?

What are you doing here?

You forgot the SLEMCO file
at home.

Thank you, Tony.

-Mona--
-That is an old file.

I've already faxed Angela
the upgraded version.

Oh, I knew that.

Yeah, right.
You are here to check up on me.

[SCOFFS] Why would I do that?

Because you think I'm lazy,
incompetent and unprofessional.

But not in a bad way.

That is it!
Now, you take a walk,

-you bozo, you!
-Okay, I'm go--

Ah, those lilting tones!

That voice I've heard
over the phone

a thousand times. Now, the face.

More beautiful
than I ever imagined.

Oh. Reed Hamilton.

We meet at last.
And by the way, ditto.

Hey, oh.
So, you're Mr. Hamilton

of Hamilton Detergent.
The soap guy, huh? [CHUCKLES]

-Stay away. [LAUGHS, STAMMERS]
-Right.

Ordinarily, I wait
for the ad copy to come to me,

but something just drew me here.
Now that I've seen you,

I know exactly
what that something is.

-Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet.
-[REED CHUCKLES]

Hey, hey, Mr. Hamilton.
I--Have I told you,

how soft my hands are
from your products?

Here, feel this. Isn't that--

Excuse me, Reed. I have
to discipline the Xerox boy.

-Oh. I'm next!
-[CHUCKLES]

Oh. [GROANS] Hey!
A Catholic School flashback.

-What is wrong with you?
-What's wrong with me?

I'm not the one
who could mess up Angela's
biggest account

by messing
with Angela's biggest account.

I'm just flirting.
It's all a part of the game.

I know. I know.

You're the league's
leading scorer.

This is my daughter's agency.

And I would never do anything
to jeopardize it.

-[GROANS]
-Excusez-moi, Reed. [CHUCKLES]

I have a 40-year old Xerox boy
who thinks he runs the place.

Now, where were we?

Never mind where we were.
What matters

is where we're going
to be tonight.

Oh, I'd love to.

But I'm afraid, I'm going
to be working around the clock

on the Hamilton account.

I'm giving you a chance
to work on Hamilton himself.

It's so tempting, But, uh,

I'm afraid, I'm gonna have
to turn you down.

Company policy.

[CHUCKLES] Way to just say no,
Mona. [GROANS]

Nobody turns Reed Hamilton down.

[CHUCKLES] Well, I guess
you're not gonna be able

to say that anymore,
are you Reed?

[PHONE RINGING]

I'll get your copy
in just a minute.

Bower Agency.

Oh, hi, Angela.

Oh! Oh, it's it's Angela.
Reed, it's Angela.

Ooh! Oh, let me talk!
Let me talk!

-Let me talk.
-Beat it, buzz-head.

This is a business call.

Mother. Mother,
is that Tony's voice?

-Let me talk.
-[SIGHS] In a minute.

I have something important
to tell you.

What went wrong, Mother?

Nothing, nothing.
As a matter of fact,

this morning, I caught
a huge typo in the Brubaker ad

and I'm gonna save you
a lot of money.

That's terrific, Mother!

-That's really terrific.
-[MONA CHUCKLING]

Okay, now put Tony on.

I knew you'd be thrilled, dear.

Ingrate on line two.

Oh, good. [CHUCKLES] Oh, good.
Hi, Angela. Fine. And you?

Oh, just--just jeans
and a t-shirt. [CHUCKLES]

Mona, what do I have to say
or do--

Good enough. Let's go.

[LAUGHS] What happened
to company policy?

Well, I'm not going anyplace
in this company anyway.

[TONY LAUGHING] Oh, no, no.

Hey, are you kidding?
I got everything under control.

In fact, Mona and I
were just schmoozing

with Reed Hamilton.
Yeah, he's here.

I'll put him on.
Hang on a second.

[SIGHS]

Reed Hamilton here.

[CHUCKLES] You should have
seen old Ted Turner's face

when my yacht nosed him out
at the finish line. [CHUCKLES]

-And pow!
-Pow?

Yeah.
That was almost as exciting

as when I won the Baja 1,000.
Now, that...

I'm not boring you, am I?

Oh, no. I--I'm just yawning
'cause it's 7:30.

-Where does the time go?
-Ah!

I'm sorry.
We spent the whole evening

talking about me. Here.

I wanna hear about you.

-Really?
-Sure. You--

Y--You seem to have something
on your mind.

Come on. I'm a great listener.

Well, my daughter
is in this new relationship.

-And I'm beginning to feel--
-Daughters? [CHUCKLES]

Don't talk to me
about daughters.

Man, I could write a book.

And my son... [SCOFFS]
...what a jerk.

Well, apple trees make apples,
huh, Reed? [LAUGHS]

Oh, my! Look, we're home.

-Well, good night.
-Good night?

I thought maybe
you'd pick up a few things,

join me at my place
on Long Island.

Aw, you don't need me, Reed.

You're already
with the love of your life. You.

Not a smart way to talk
to your biggest client.

Oh, I'm sorry. [CHUCKLES]
How's this?

You're a boring,
bombastic blowhard!

Sir.

Oh. Home early.
Way to go, Mona. [CHUCKLES]

REED: Nobody, I mean,
nobody talks to me like that.

MONA: Oh, yeah? Anybody ever do
this to your antenna?

-[ANTENNA SNAPS]
-REED: Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

God, she's vandalizing his car!

God, what a horse's Patootie.

Are you crazy?
Talking to him like that?

-That's Angela's biggest client!
-Ha! Not anymore.

What c--couldn't you
just have faxed your butt

to Cleveland?

Let me get this straight.

Mother had a fight
with my biggest client.

-Right, right.
-He threatened

-to pull the account.
-Mm-hmm.

So you shot him?

No, I did not sh**t him!

-Did so!
-Did not!

Don't get him mad.
He maybe packing heat.

[LAUGHS]

Someone just tell me
what happened.

Okay, look,
I'm telling the rest!

-I was doing fine.
-You--My... [MUTTERS]

Guys, I think the victim
would like to make a statement.

Ge--Get off the bed!
Get off the bed!

Mis--Mr. Hamilton,

are--are you trying to tell me
what happened?

Smiling...

duck.

Smiling duck?

-Do you think he's all right?
-Oh, sure! He's fine.

-He's fit as a fiddle.
-[MACHINE BEEPS]

Code blue! Code blue!
My biggest client!

[BEEPING CONTINUES]

So, uh, wh--what happened next?

What were you thinking, Mona?
Don't you know

that mixing business
with a personal relationship

is like the dumbest thing
you could do?

Isn't that what you and Angela
are doing?

No! It's completely different,
be--

I'll ask the questions
around here!

[PHONE RINGS]

Yeah, what? Oh, hi, Angela.

[CHUCKLES] Uh, so, uh,
how are things over there?

Well, they're better
than I thought.

-How's everything there?
-Uh, well, uh--

Uh, great, great, never better.
[CHUCKLES]

What's wrong, Tony?

Uh. Uh, well, what's--
what's wrong is, uh...

[MUTTERS] You're not here,
Angela. [CHUCKLES]

Well, I will be soon.
I'm coming home a day early.

Great. Great, I can't wait
to see ya! [LAUGHS]

What's wrong, Tony?

N--Nothing, Angela, nothing.
Everything--everything's fine.

-We'll see you tomorrow.
-Bye-bye. Miss you.

Hey, Tony.

Thanks for not telling Angela
what happened.

I didn't do it for you.
I did it for her.

I mean, I don't want
to ruin her good mood.

Now, you get on that phone.

And you get in tough
with Mr. Hamilton.

You get that account back
before she comes home.

Uh, not necessary!
I know his type.

Believe me, by tomorrow morning,

he'll be telling
this boring story

about how he dumped me.

And then it's gonna be business
as usual.

Mona, I'm warning you.
You better do something!

Believe me, the worst thing
in the world you can do,

is chase after a guy like this
when he's mad.

TONY: Mr. Hamilton!

Mr. Hamilton!

Mr. Hamilton.

Mr--Mr. Hamilton.

Mr. Hamilton!

[GASPS] Don't sh**t.
I'm out of season.

Shh!

Get inside.
You're scaring off the game.

Oh...

Oh, it's--it's nice.

-Hey. Excuse me--
-Oh! [GRUNTS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-Sit down, sit down.
-Okay, man. okay.

[TONY PANTS]

Oh, gee, I love what you've done
with the place.

Aren't you the Xerox boy?

Uh. No, actually, Mr. Hamilton,
I'm, uh, I'm Angela's boyfriend.

Way to climb the ladder, kid!

Oh, right, right.

Gee, it's... [EXHALES]

...it's colder here
than I thought it would be.

-Wow!
-Oh, here. Here, wear this.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

[IMITATING ELMER FUDD, LAUGHS]

Hunting wabbits. [CHUCKLES]

What are you doing here?

Well, uh, the weason it--
I mean, the reason--

the reason I'm here is to--
is to square things

between you
and the Bower Agency.

I mean, I don't--
I don't know what got into Mona,

but--but--but just because
you're mad at her,

don't throw the baby
out with the bath water.

I mean,
you need the Bower Agency.

And you need Angela, all right?

And to leave her now,
would be a mistake.

I'm not leaving.

-Y--You're not?
-No.

Oh. Well. [IMITATING ELMER FUDD]
See you wound, weed. [CHUCKLES]

I'd be crazy to leave. I mean,
before Angela came along,

I couldn't give away
my crummy soap.

Oh, so you--No, but then,
you're not mad at Mona

-for yelling at you?
-Of course, not.

She was only yelling
because I dumped her! [SCOFFS]

Before she could get her hooks
into me.

Funny. You know,
Mona said she du--

Doesn't think she's ever going
to forget you.

Well,
I guess my work is done here.

-[CHUCKLES]
-Stay, stay, stay. Relax.

We'll drink some coffee.
We'll eat some doughnuts.

We'll k*ll some ducks.
[CHUCKLES]

-[STUTTERS]
-Ah!

To tell you the--to tell you
the truth, Mr. Hamilton,

I'm--I'm not really much
of a hunter.

That's okay.

Prince, my retriever,
he's at the vet.

I'll need somebody to fetch.

Well, I'm--I'm really that--
not that good a swimmer, either,

Es--Especially, like,
with dead animals in my mouth.

Here. You spot 'em,
I'll sh**t 'em.

Oh--oh, do you--do you--do
we really have to sh**t them?

No, but it'll make your job
a lot easier.

[EXHALES] Oh, boy!
This is living. [CHUCKLES]

Why can't a woman
be more like a duck?

You know, with a duck,

you just sh**t 'em
and they're dead. [CHUCKLES]

Quack, bang, splat.

And with a woman,
it's quack, quack, quack

for the rest of your life.

You--You should show
this sensitive side of yourself

-more often, Mr. Hamilton.
-Shh! Be quiet!

-What?
-[DUCKS QUACKING]

There are ducks out there.

Ooh! Oh, I see them!

Oh! Oh, look,
there's a daddy duck

and a mommy duck. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, and how cute,
little baby ducks.

Wa--wa--wait a minute!
Wait a minute. Don't sh**t, yet.

Hold on a second. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Look!

Look, the daddy duck is smiling.

A cute little
daddy duck's smiling!

He's so proud
of his little family!

-Get away, will you?
-No!

-Run, Donald, run!
-[DUCKS QUACKING]

You idiot!

Oh, I'm, um, I'm--I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Mr. Hamilton.

-I didn't--Oh! [PANTS]
-[REED GROANING]

-[TONY COUGHING]
-[REED GROANING]

[g*nsh*t FIRES]

TONY: Oh, wow!

That's probably going
to be black-and-blue

in the morning.

So you see? It wasn't my fault!

See, it really was an accident,
Mr. Hamilton.

Yes, and--and we hope
that we can continue

to count on your business.
What do you say?

-Prince! Good boy.
-[CHUCKLES]

I--I think that means
the account is safe, right?

-What a good boy.
-[TONY CHUCKLES]

Mother,
why were you blaming Tony,

-when he was only trying to undo
what you did?
-Yeah.

Oh, please!

This would never have happened
in the first place

if you had just listened to me!

But no!
Nobody here listens to me.

You two are so wrapped up
in each other,

you never hear a word
that I say!

I'm probably going to have
to repeat this.

-You're right, Mother.
-Okay.

I said, "Oh, please. This would
never have happened--"

-We heard you.
-Well, that's a first!

I--I guess
we have been ignoring you.

-Thank you.
-Oh, I'm sorry, Mother.

Gosh,
why didn't you say something?

You know, Angela,
I think she actually did.

You know, that's why
she was being so productive,

so efficient, so responsible.

It was like a twisted cry
for help.

You know what?
Y--You're right, Tony.

And you know what, Mother?
From now on, I promise you,

we're gonna do everything
together all the time.

Yes! Like starting this weekend.

What do you say we go
to the Cape?

Oh! Well that's a wonderful stay

at that wonderful little bed
and breakfast!

-Oh!
-We'll watch the sailboats.

We'll walk on the sand dunes.
What do you say, Mother?

I'd rather be the diaper
on a Sumo wrestler.

Is that a no?

I can't believe that you think
that I am desperate enough

to actually want to go
with you two!

-Oh, but--
-Then what has

all this been about?

I just wanted to be invited.
[CHUCKLES]

Aw, Mona...

Aw, Angela, I feel awful.

Really. You know, Tony, we--we
have got to be more sensitive

-to the needs of people.
-You know, Angela,

we've been so wrapped up
in our relationship, that--

that we've only had eyes
for each other.

We--We must not be blind
to the needs of those around us.

Mm.

-Aw, Angela, you're so great.
-Oh. Oh, Tony!

Who's the Boss will be back
in a moment. Stick around.

You know, that was
a wonderful brunch. What--

Where are Tony and Mr. Hamilton?

Uh, they went for a walk
in the park.

Oh, that's nice!

Tony's trying so hard
to make up for the accident.

Now, wasn't that fun?

I can't wait for Prince
to get back from the vet.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]