07x21 - Choose Me

[bunniefuu]

Three, four, five, six, seven--

Mrs. Rossini, you certainly have
a lot of stuff for three days.

-Oh, no. Just the basics.
-Oh!

That's Italian for "I left
the major appliances at home."

[GROANS]

Where do you want this,
Mrs. Rossini?

Oh, no. Where's my goldfish?

-I think he's in the cat.
-[SCREAMS]

-I've got him.
-Thank God.

Get that filthy animal
out of here.

Don't worry,
we're putting the cat out.

-What cat?
-[ANGELA SIGHS]

Please, mother!

She's been through
a really rough time.

Oh, it was awful.

This woman was m*rder*d
right across the hall from me.

I told that guy
left at the stairway.

Mona! Mrs. Rossini's building's
been cordoned off by the police.

She's gonna be here a while.
So, you try to be nice.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Have a lovely stay.

It's nice to see you.

God, what a hideous outfit.
Oh, darn!

I was that close.

Sam.

I've got her, Dad.
Come on, Mona.

Let's practice.

-It's nice to see you.
-Nice to see you.

-What a lovely outfit.
-What a lovely outfit.

Mrs. Rossini, I just want you
to know you're welcome to stay

-as long as you like.
-Oh, you're such an angel,

Just like your name.

And you're so good.
Taking care of me

just the way I took care of you
when you were a boy.

Yeah, you, you were like
a second mother to me.

That's right. And tomorrow
I'm gonna make Tony's favorite.

-Gnocchi, huh.
-Oh, just like the old days.

Yes. And remember,
after dinner when I used

-to sing you to sleep?
-Oh, y-- yeah,

but y-- you don't have to,
you really don't have to--

♪ Sleep little baby ♪

♪ Sleep ♪

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road and
A road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you,
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long,
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

[SNIFFS, SIGHS]

Angela, get a whiff of that ham
Mrs. Rossini's home-made gravy.

It's wonderful.

No, no, it's better
than wonderful, Angela.

It's heaven. It's paradise.
It's...

Brooklyn.

Oh, come on.

And this time,
I can't stay out too late.

I've got to be
in the operating room by ten.

Oh, So you're a little late.

You all wear masks.
Who's gonna notice?

Hey, hey, wait a, wait a minute.
Where you going?

You're gonna miss
Mrs. Rossini's big dinner.

Oh, geez, you’d almost think

I planned it that way.
Come on, Clifford.

Come on, you two.
Why don't you stay?

-She's made a ton of food.
-Yeah.

Thanks, but we have reservations

at a nice, quiet,
cozy restaurant.

Mona, wait!

Run like hell. Come on.

You gotta stay for dinner.
I've been sweating like a pig

over a hot stove for hours.

Well, my mouth is watering.

Eat up. Eat up.
I got a 140 more gallons

-in the kitchen.
-[LAUGHS]

Ah, she only made half a batch.

-[PAGER BEEPS]
-Mm, there goes my beeper.

I'm sorry.

I guess I shouldn't be sitting
so close.

And the phone's
in the kitchen here, Doc.

Oh, thank you.

Hurry back.

-What?
-TONY: Hmm.

You really like this one.

-Heh, heh, heh.
-Maybe.

Mother, I saw you holding hands
underneath the table.

♪ Uh, Mona's got a boyfriend ♪

♪ Mona's got a boyfriend ♪

-Oh, put a sock in it.
-[TONY GIGGLING]

Go put some music on.

It'd be better than listening
to you.

-Mother, you're blushing.
-Heh.

♪ Mona's blushing
Mona's blushing ♪

Mo-- ugh!

♪ Mona broke my shin ♪

♪ Mona broke my shin ♪

Any little ditties
that you want to sing?

Nope. No. Mm-mm.

[CLATTER]

Oops.

Mother wants Sinatra, so you--

what-- what's the matter?

Clifford. Mrs. Rossini.

Clifford. Mrs. Rossini.

What are you talking about?

Come here. Come here.

Oh, my God.

Clifford. Mrs. Rossini.

Oh, sure. When I said it,
you didn't believe me.

-Where is my Sinatra?
-[LAUGHS]

-Do I have to kick some shin?
-[LAUGHS] Kick some shin.

That's cute. That's cute.

What's going on in that kitchen?

Nothing. Why?

Well, where's dinner?
I'm starved.

Well, they're heating it up
in there. Um--

Um, Mrs. Rossini is heating
it up in there.

Well, I'm gonna light
a fire under her.

Oh, don't worry.
That's been handled.

Mona, Mona!
Don't, don't go in there.

Uh, so the conference
has been moved to 9:30.

Yeah, well, no problem, Rick.
Thanks. okay, great.

[LAUGHS] Whoo! Busy, busy, busy.

Yeah, no rest for the wicked,
huh, Cliff?

okay, I'm ready to serve
the linguini.

Isn't that scaloppini?

Linguini, scaloppini.
Are you here to eat or nitpick?

Okay.

Okay, everybody.
Sit down and, uh,

-dig in.
-Oh.

Tony, I was sitting there.

Uh, you know, uh,

when the music stops,
you grab a chair.

I, uh, didn't hear any music.

-Well, I did.
-I'll drink to that.

-Oh, great. He's a lush, too.
-Tony.

Hey, look, I got something
to say to you.

Ah, Tony! Tony, you were telling
me the funniest story

about your trip
to the grocery store today.

Wh-- why don't you tell us all
of that story.

I bought beets.

I'm back.

[ANGELA LAUGHING]

I, uh, I seem to remember
it being a little longer.

Well, all right.

So, I was, I was on the, uh,
express line,

and this guy in front of me,
he's got 11 items, right?

And so, I got nine items.
So I say to him,

"Hey buddy--"
Are you rubbing my leg?"

Did that guy have red hair
and heart-shaped sunglasses?

I'm sorry, Tony.
I was just stretching my legs.

TONY: Uh-huh,
stretching your legs?

Now, look,
I got something to say to you--

[LAUGHS LOUDLY]

Oh, my! What a funny story.

And so well told.

Tony, could I speak to you
for a minute, please?

[MUTTERS]

Excuse us. Excuse us.

Done with this guy.
All right, that's it!

He's out. He's finished.
He's toast.

Tony, do not make a scene!

Angela, the guy
was kissing Mrs. Rossini.

Now he's two-timing your mother.
Don't you care?

Of course, I care.
But we're going

to discuss it after he leaves.

Privately, calmly
and behind closed doors.

Or, we can discuss it openly
and loudly while I'm logrolling

-that guy down the street!
-Tony.

Please. This is not the time
or the place.

Okay. Okay, you're right.

They're adults.

I'm just gonna mind
my own business. I'm gonna,

I'm gonna butt out
and butt out.

Exactly.

-After you.
-Thank you.

I would like to propose a toast.

To friends...

family...

and loved ones.

That's it! You're out of here.
Out! Let's go. Out!

You're out! Get out, you!

Why?

I'll give you a "why",
you kitchen Casanova.

Get out and stay out.
And watch out for the...

-[CAT MEOWING ANGRILY]
-...cat!

So, ready for dessert?

Have you completely flipped?

You just kicked
my boyfriend out!

-I gotta tell you something--
-Wa-- wait.

Uh, Mother, uh,
we have something to tell you.

It's very hard to say, but,
we feel you need to know it.

Uh, while you were sitting
in the dining room,

Clifford was...

kissing someone in the kitchen.

-Hm, my God.
-[SCOFFS]

He made a pass at you?

Oh, no, n-- not me, not me.

Oh, my God!

Not me!

Well, then who?
was the Avon lady here?

Hey, it was me!

No, really, who was it?

Mother, um, believe it or not,
it was Mrs. Rossini.

I'm sorry, Mona.

I-- I don't know what happened.
I got caught up. It was...

-bigger than both of us.
-Urgh.

Wait. Wait just a minute.

Lips that have touched mine
have touched that?

[SPITS]

Normally,
I'd cold-c*ck you for that,

but I know that you're speaking
out of pain.

I'll show you pain.

Now, wait a second.
What's the matter with you two?

You're fighting over a man?

And not much of a man either,
I might add.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Don't move.

Oh. It's Clifford.

May I come in?

Why? Somebody here
you haven't kissed yet?

Well, I suppose
you've heard by now.

I'm sorry, Mona and... Carmen.

-Carmela.
-Oh.

What's the matter with ya?
You couldn't come up

for air long enough to
get her name straight?

Please, let me explain.

I-- I really am
not a ladies' man.

Since my wife died,
I, I don't think that I've gone

out with maybe, uh,
two or three women at the most.

Yeah, probably at the same time.
Huh, Cliff?

And then when I...

I met Mona,
and lightning struck.

[TONY SCOFFS]

And then it struck again.

Now, they say that lightning
can't happen twice,

-but for me it has.
-Oh, pick up your pants.

It's too late
to save your shoes.

All right, look.
I think we've heard enough.

-Right, ladies?
-Let him talk.

Go on, Clifford. Go on.

Oh, wait a minute!

You're not gonna fall for this

torn-between-two-lovers baloney,
are ya?

It's the oldest story
in the book. Right, Angela?

Angela?

Well, I think It's possible
for someone to care

for more than one person
at one time.

No way! Absolutely not.
It's impossible.

What about you
and the Benedetti twins?

Well, that was different.

I didn't even know
there were two of them.

I thought I was going out
with one girl
who never got tired.

Now It's gonna take a long time
for me to sort out my feelings.

Because both of you
have stirred up

something deep inside of me.

Urgh!

I'm sorry if I hurt either one
of you.

And if you never want to
see me again, I accept that.

Oh! I'll stand by you, Cliffy.

As long as it takes
for you to realize

I'm your woman.

I'll wait too,
till the morning,

when you see her
in broad daylight.

Goodbye, Carmela.

Goodbye, Mona.

You know,

I've had just about
enough of your insults.

Oh, yeah?
Well, come and get me, sister!

All right! Hold it.

Stop it, stop it,
the two of youse, will ya!

Neutral corners.
Now, go to your rooms.

[BOTH HISS]

Oh, cut it out! Stop it!
Go upstairs!

Go to your room.

Do you believe what's going
on here?

Oh! Mrs. Rossini making a pass
at Clifford like that.

Oh, whoa, whoa wait a minute,
Angela.

Clifford himself said
he started it.

Well, maybe so, but obviously

Mrs. Rossini had to give him
the green light.

Mrs. Rossini's green light's

been burned out for years,
Angela.

And, in anyway, I mean, um,
why shouldn't she get the guy?

-Mona gets millions of guys.
-Oh, please.

There's no excuse for her going
after mother's boyfriend like

that. Besides, she's only gonna
get her heart broken.

Hold it. Hold it.

I don't think Mrs. Rossini
was after anybody.

But if she was,
I think she would have

-a pretty good shot.
-Oh, Tony, come on.

Let's face it, Mrs. Rossini's
a wonderful woman,

but she's way out of her league.

Oh, wait, you're talking
about the woman,

who was like
a second mother to me.

So? Mother's like
a first mother
to me!

I saw them holding hands
under the table.
There was love there, Tony.

Yeah? Well, I felt him rubbing
my leg under the table.

There was love there, Angie.

Well, Mother deserves to get
this man and I'm going to

-make sure she does.
-Oh, yeah?

Well, I think Mrs. Rossini
deserves to get this man.

and I'm making sure she does.

Will you stop saying
whatever I say!

-Whatever you say.
-[GASPS]

Oh! You!

♪ Hush, little baby ♪

♪ Sleep, sleep, sleep ♪

-We're home!
-Hey.

Wow, looks like you had
a great time at the street fair.

-Yeah.
-Hey, Cliff,

won big at
the pitch-and-toss, huh?

No, I throw like a girl.

Carmela's the one
with the flame-thrower.

Oh, she's quite a girl, huh?

A great cook.
And a great curve ball, heh.

-Oh, Tony.
-[GRUNTS]

-Well, hello, hello, hello.
-Hello.

Hey, hey, look at all the stuff
they won at the carnival.

They couldn't guess
your weight, huh?

Oh, the carnival.

How quaint. What a contrast to

the romantic evening
you have planned, Mother.

Well, it's really not very much,
just...

an intimate little evening
at my place.

-That sounds nice.
-Hmm.

A quiet evening at home.

Who said anything about quiet?

Hmm-mm.

-I'll see you tonight.
-Yes.

Hey, hey. You're doing great.
I can tell he's crazy about you.

Who are you kidding?

I got him pitching baseballs.
She's got him pitching woo.

-I can't compete with her, Tony.
-Oh, yes you can, Mrs. Rossini.

You just be yourself.
That's what he
fell for in the first place.

Yeah, but... [SIGHS]

-...I'm not sexy, Tony.
-Oh.

Yes, you are.
You absolutely are sexy.

What do you find sexy about me?

Well, uh...

-well, I--
-Well, well?

Well, it's, it's not one
specific thing, Mrs. Rossini.

It's like the, the sum total
of all the parts is greater--

Your eyes.
Oh, you got sexy eyes, yeah.

-Yeah?
-Oh, yeah.

-You really think so?
-Absolutely, yeah-- Hey, look,

you're sexy,
and I want to hear you say it.

[CHUCKLES]

-I am sexy.
-Come on, come on,

I want to hear it now, come on,
say it.

-I am sexy.
-Come on, now,

one more time, loud as hell.

MRS. ROSSINI: I am sexy!

Just pathetic.

"And then the papa bear said,

somebody's been eating
my porridge."

And then he eats it and dies.

-No, he doesn't.
-He did when Mona read it.

-[KNOCK ON DOOR]
-Yeah?

-Busy?
-No, all done.

She doesn't read 'em
as good as you do, Mona.

I know. Now, tomorrow night,

how about
Nightmare on Sesame Street?

-All right!
-Okay.

Mother, come here.
How was your date?

Well, it went great.

Except that he talked
about her all night.

[EXHALES] I'm losing him,
Angela.

To Mrs. Rossini?

Oh, no, no you're not.
Don't say that.

Oh, it's true.

She can offer Clifford
something I can't.

And he keeps talking
about how warm

and motherly and nurturing
she is.

Oh, well, Mother,
you're very nurturing.

Now, get your sweaty hands
off of me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You, you see,
I am the exact opposite

of Mrs. Rossini,
and for some bizarre reason...

that's what he seems to want.

Well, he can have her.

Oh, no. No. Mother, Mother
you can't give up.

You're just as warm
and giving as Mrs. Rossini.

-Please.
-No, no. You are.

Uh, I, I remember when
I was six years old and

I fell off my bike,
and I skinned my knee.

You picked me up,
and you kissed it

and you made it all better.

That was your father, Angela.

Oh. That's right.

You were the one
who shot out my tire.

[GIGGLES] Yeah.

But you said you were sorry.

That's right.

And I really meant it, too, heh,
at the time.

I guess that means I am a warm,
caring, loving person.

-That's the spirit.
-Yeah.

Now, if I could just get
Mrs. Rossini on a bike.

What are you doing?

Mm, making a little snack.

Six pounds of lasagna?

-I skipped breakfast.
-[SCOFFS]

I know what you're doing,
Angela. You bought all that food

and now you're gonna try
to pass it off

as Mona's cooking to Clifford.

So what if I am? She's my mother
and I want to help her.

That's cheating,
if Mona's gonna win,

then she should win
it on her own.

Well, I feel--

[SNIFFS]

Tony...

are you wearing perfume?

No.

Yes, you are.

I smell... [SNIFFS]
...Insatiable.

I smell... [SNIFFS]
...Sensation.

I smell... [SNIFFS]
...Liaison by Lady Lace.

Well, I'm exploring
my feminine side.

You, you are not!
You're out buying perfume

to make Mrs. Rossini more sexy.
Now, that's cheating.

All right, all right. So, I was.
I just want Mrs. Rossini to be

at her best for her date
with Clifford tonight.

She doesn't have a date
with Clifford tonight.

Mother's cooking dinner for him.
I should know.
It cost me a fortune.

Wait a minute.
This food's for tonight?

-Yes.
-[DOORBELL CHIMES]

I'll get it.

Don't bother. It's for me.

No, it's for me. Back off, babe.

You're both right!

Hi, cliff.
Double dating tonight?

Uh-oh.

Did I mess up?

Oh, forget about it, Cliff.
Come on. Let's go.

Wait a minute.
Just tell her that

you're going out
with me tonight.

-Over my dead body.
-Hmm.

TONY: All right, look, look.

It's time for you to make
a decision, Cliff.

This has gone on long enough.

You're absolutely right,
I have to make a decision.

It's not fair to either one
of 'em.

So, uh...

I pick, um...

-Mona.
-Yes!

Oh, but I'm gonna miss Carmela
so much.

-I pick you.
-Hooray!

But how can I do
without my, my sweet Mona?

Clifford, make a decision.

Come on already.
It's been a week.

Okay, okay.

This is my decision.

-Eeny, meeny, miney, moe--
-Ugh.

Hold it!
I will make the decision.

Cliff, you're a wimp.

And I should've seen that
from the beginning.

Carmela, he's yours.

Yeah, I don't know
if I want him now.

You're right. Even you deserve
something better.

[IMITATES BUZZER]

Time's up, Cliff-O.
Let's see what you've lost.

[GASPS] It's both women!

Now, le-- let's see
what you've won!

It's behind door number one,
it's a car!

It's your car. Get out of here.

He's a wimp!

Can you imagine, the two of us
fighting over that guy?

And the worst part,

he made two dear friends fight.

Oh, no. Oh, she's got
that look in her eye.

You know what I want,
I want a little hug.

I-- I've got a better idea.

Do you like to ride a bike?

TONY: Who's the Boss
will back in a moment.
Stick around.

Oh, you know, I mean. Sheesh.

Everything's back to normal,
thank goodness. Hey,

let's make a deal, all right?
From now on,

we don't get involved
in any family squabbles.

-Agreed.
-All right, heh.

Ugh, I thought for a minute,
those two were gonna

-duke it out.
-Lucky for Mona they didn't,

because, you know,
Mrs. Rossini is bad.

She should've mopped
the floor up with her.

Are you kidding?

Mother could punch her
lights out.

I got twenty bucks says
big red don't last two rounds.

-You're on. Mother!
-Mrs. Rossini!

Mom!

[♪♪♪]