07x16 - Ms. Mom

[bunniefuu]

This is a, uh, a very
interesting resume, Ms. Glover

but, uh, you know,
Angela's new housekeeper

must be the very best.

I'm afraid this just doesn't
make the grade.

Uh, but I worked 17 years
for the Royal Family.

Well I-- I'm sorry, I'll need
at least two references.

-[CHUCKLES]
-MS. GLOVER: Oh.

But, I thank you very much
for coming by.

-Here-- Here's your coat.
-MS. GLOVER: Oh.

Thank you. [CHUCKLES]

Thank you, there you go.

Tell Princess Di
I think she's a little too thin.

-[CHUCKLES]
-[GASPS] Oh.

-What'd you think?
-Eh.

-Me, too.
-I like number 12 the best.

Oh, number 12?
Let's see, here.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that 20-year-old
exchange student from Sweden.

[CHUCKLES]

Ja. Inga.

-Hi.
-TONY: Hey.

Is that another applicant?
She seemed nice, how'd she do?

-Neh.
-Neh.

-Aw, well that's too bad.
-TONY: Yeah.

You're telling me.

My teaching internship
starts tomorrow, I--

I can't leave you for a whole
two weeks without a housekeeper.

You're not. I found someone
and she's perfect.

She knows the neighborhood,
she loves kids,

she's very diligent
and she lives nearby.

Great! Great. Who is she?

You're looking at her.

You? [LAUGHS]

Oh, my God, you're serious.

You're only gonna be working
for two weeks.

-I've got vacation time coming.
-Angela,

Angela,
housekeeping is not a vacation.

I mean, sure,
it looks glamorous, but--

but it's not--
it's not all mopping floors

and scrubbing toilets.
Some of it's pretty dreary.

No, not if you've never done
it before.

Who knows? I may like it.

I don't think so.

Let's find out.

Angela, you work very hard
all year.

You only take off a couple
of weeks.

Why would you wanna do this?

Well, in the future, I may wanna
take a little bit more time off,

and who knows
with you venturing out

into the work force, you may
need me to help around here.

I don't think so.

Aw, come on!
Let me clean my own house.

Please!

Tony, it'll give me a chance
to spend more time with Billy.

I'm missing out
on his wonder years.

I wanna be around when he learns

to write his name
for the first time.

I did that last year.

I wanna be around
when he learns to tie his shoes.

He did that last week.

He's not married yet! Is he?

No, but he's got his eye
on a 20-year-old Swedish girl.

Come on!
I'm the only one around here.

-You guys need someone fast.
-Oh, that's true.

Very interesting resume, Kyle.

But you don't cook,
clean or sew.

-Nope!
-Good.

Then you haven't developed
any bad habits.

[CHUCKLES]

I'll be in touch.

I think we found our man.

[SQUEALS]

Mona, Mona,
look please, come on now.

You don't hire a housekeeper

just 'cause he's got a great
smile and muscles.

How do you think
you got the job?

-Oh, yeah!
-[MONA CHUCKLES]

Mother, your efforts
are appreciated,

but the position
has been filled.

I'm the new housekeeper.

You! [LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES] No.

-We go with Kyle. [CHUCKLES]
-[TONY SCOFFS]

Okay. But consider this,

if I take the next two weeks
off work,

you take the next two weeks
off work.

I'll get your apron.

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand new life ♪

♪ A brand new life ♪

♪ A brand new life
Around the bend ♪

ANGELA: [SQUEAKS] Ah!

Omelet a la Angela.

[HUMMING]

Oops, sorry.

Sweetheart,
why don't you eat yours first?

-No convulsions.
-I guess it's okay.

[SPEWS]

Gotcha.

-Good morning, everybody.
-ANGELA: Good morning.

Good morning.

Angela, look, you know I wanted
to jot down

some household hints, you know,

do's and don'ts,
things to remember,

-but I didn't have the time.
-Good.

Yeah, so I dictated them
onto these tapes.

Boy, there was a lot to cover.

Millions of years ago,
when the earth was
first created

God said, "Let there be light."

And there was light,

and then he said,
"Boy, what a mess.

I'm not cleaning this up.
I'm God."

[CHUCKLES]
And so, man was created, and--

Well, I-- I hope
I was thorough enough.

Tony, you started at the dawn
of time.

Why don't you sit down?

I've made you a perfectly
fabulous breakfast.

Okay, fine. [CHUCKLES] Sure.

-Safe to eat?
-No convulsions.

Okay, go on.

Okay.

-[CHUCKLES]
-Here you go.

Oh, Angela.

Wow. It's beautiful. It's--

-it's absolutely perfect.
-Thank you.

Although,

you know, if you want to get rid
of these brown spots,

you know, you cook it
for little longer

time on a lower flame.

-Good tip.
-Tape three, side A.

-Hi, guys.
-[CLAMORING]

Sam, what are you doing
here so early?

Oh, I wanted to stop by and wish
you luck

on your first day teaching.

-Oh. [CHUCKLES]
-And here, Dad.

Oh, Sam. That is so sweet.

[CHUCKLES] Ooh, a tie.

A paisley tie.

That's my paisley tie.

I borrowed it to wear
to a fraternity

dress-like-a-geek party.

I came in second.

Tony,
would you like another cup?

Of your coffee, Angela?

Fill it to the rim.
[CHUCKLES]

See you later, guys.

Oh, honey, don't forget
your lunch.

And after school, I'll have milk
and cookies for you.

I'll rush right home.

Boy, I've heard about families
where the women stays home

and cooks
and the man goes off to works,

but to actually see it
in my own home...

[SHIVERS] How retro.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Tony, when you come home

can you teach me
how to ride my bike?

-[SCOFFS] Sure--
-Honey, you don't have to wait.

I'll teach you.
I'll be home all day.

Oh, boy!

[GASPS] Did you hear that?
He said, "Oh, boy!"

That's what this is all about.

Aw! This is a day to remember,
Angela, huh?

Both of us off to conquer
new worlds. [CHUCKLES]

Well, I'm off.

How do I look?

Geek headgear, huh?

Now, that would have won
you first place.

[CHUCKLES]

I was just trying to make a good
impression on the faculty,

-that's all.
-Don't you worry.

-They're going to love you.
-Okay.

Just remember, people
like to work with their friends,

so become their friend.

Good advice, Angela.

Look out, real world,
here I come!

-[CHUCKLES]
-All right!

Oh, oh, Angela, by the way,

you know when you clean
these windows.

Pour a little vinegar
in the water.

It's on tape six. Vinegar,

it's not just
for salads anymore. [CHUCKLES]

Bye-bye guys.

-MONA: Bye-bye.
-SAM: Bye, Dad.

[GROANS]

Billy, sweetheart, you're heavy.

Could you let go?

Tony always gives me leg rides.

Yeah, but does he let you
do super fun things

like sort socks?

No, and he doesn't try
to fool me, either.

Do it anyway.

[SIGHS]

Just as soon as I get rid
of this jelly stain

that somebody left me,

we'll go outside and practice
riding your bike.

Mom, this soda has caffeine.

-So?
-Well, that's not the kind

Tony buys,
he buys caffeine free.

Sorry, I'll get you some
tomorrow.

No problem.
I'll just be up in my room

bouncing off the walls.

Wear a helmet, dear.

That's not how Tony does it.

Well, Billy. [CHUCKLES] It would
be a very boring world

if everybody did it
the same way.

But when Tony does it,
the stain gets smaller.

Hello, loved ones.

Oh, what a wonderful afternoon
at the spa.

That's not how Tony does it.

The world would be very boring

if everybody did it the same
way.

Always been my motto, kid.

By the way, Angela,
did you finish all my ironing?

-Yes, wicked stepmother.
-MONA: Hmm.

Thank you.
Here's the list for tomorrow.

Mm-hmm.
Change the oil in your car?

Tony does it for me.

[IMITATES MONA]
Tony does it for me.

Hi, honey. I'm home.

[CHUCKLES]

Is it that late already?

Oh! You wouldn't believe
the day I had, Angela.

Fir-- first I get to the school,

and no one's ever even
heard of me.

Then I find the classroom
and then--

Angela, That's-- that's
not how I do it.

I tried to tell her.

Hmm. So, Angela,
how-- how was your day?

Well... [SIGHS] ...actually,
you know, it went pretty well.

I guess some things were

-tougher than others, but it--
-TONY: Oh!

Tough, you want to hear tough,
Angela? I'll tell you tough.

Elementary school.
It's a dog-eat-dog world.

-[TIMER RINGING]
-Oh. Chicken.

Uh-huh. Oh, and that faculty
lounge. It's a shark tank.

[IMITATING JAWS THEME]

Huh! [STAMMERS]
Get this, get this.

One of the other TA's,
he offers me a prune danish,

so, of course, I ate it.

He knew
that was the principal's danish.

So, when the principal
shows up for it.

There I am, reeking of prune.

Telling you, if it wasn't
for sweet little Lois,

I-- I just wouldn't have had
a friend there at all,

I mean,
but-- but things worked out.

ANGELA: Uh-huh.

Ar-- are you listening to me?

Sure am.
Shark tank. Prune danish.

Who's Lois?

Oh, she's, uh, she's the teacher
I'm assisting.

I have so much to learn
from her.

Grizzled old veteran, huh?

Oh, not really, not really.
I think it's only been about

two years since
she was Miss Delaware.

-Angela, Angela.
-Yes, what?

Nothing, nothing. It's just--

it's just that-- that isn't
the knife I would use, you know.

Oh?

Angela,
what is wrong with this blouse?

[SCOFFS] Nothing.
It's beautifully cleaned,

it's beautifully ironed,
and it's sparkling white.

Which would be fine,
if this weren't my red blouse.

[TONY CLEARS THROAT]

Little too much bleach.

That'd be my guess.

Well, uh, see, uh,
Billy was hanging on my leg,

-and I kept--
-Hey, when do we eat?

Just a minute, just a minute.
The chicken's cooking,

the salad is being made.
The rice--

Oh, I forgot to make the rice.

Oh, great!

Just a minute.
It won't take long.

Okay, Angela,
why-- why don't you

finish the salad
and I'll make the rice?

-It's okay. I got it.
-No, no, no, please.

-I'd like to it anyway.
-Tony, really I can handle it.

I know you can handle it,
but there's a little trick

with a bouillon cube
I never told you about.

Yes, you did.

It's on tape seven, side B,

right after the history
of wheat.

-Okay. You do it. You do it.
-Thank you.

Although, you know
that's not the pot I would use.

That's it!
I don't cook like you,

I don't clean like you,
I don't do anything like you,

but you know what?
I don't care!

Because from now on,
we're gonna do things my way!

You got it?

Good! And if you don't like it,

you can all get out
of my kitchen!

Any questions?

You bought the soda
with the caffeine, didn't you?

ANGELA: Okay,
breakfast is ready!

Let's move it!
I'm on a tight schedule!

Hold it.

Where are you going?

Come with us, we're going
for Egg McMuffins.

They don't yell at you there.

TONY: [SCOFFS]
All right. Come on.

Now I know Angela's
been a little tense.

But she's in there making
you a simply delicious

breakfast. [CHUCKLES]

ANGELA: What are you waiting
for, an engraved invitation?

You see? She asked nicely.
[CHUCKLES] Come on.

Okay, we got a busy
schedule here.

Jonathan, I'm gonna drop you
off at school ten minutes early

so I can get to Billy's craft
show by 9:00.

Then I gotta rush back here
for the TV repairman,

who's supposed to be here
sometime between 10:00
and next Friday.

Billy, since I've got carpool,
I want you out

front of the school
at exactly 1:15,

because you have a haircut
at 1:45.

Then we've gotta get back here
no later than 3:05,

because that's when I penciled
in to go to the bathroom.

I skipped that yesterday.

-Morning.
-Morning.

Omelets a la Angela again?

Is there a problem?

Well, I sorta wanted
scrambled eggs.

You want scrambled?

You got scrambled.

Thank you.

Personally,
I love eating omelets.

Why, I could eat them every day.
[CHUCKLES]

I know, because I do.
[SCOFFS]

Look, here's the plan.

We'll mutiny.

I'll drop my napkin
on the floor.

When Angela bends down
to pick it up,

you whack her with the ladle.

Then we'll stuff her
in a hefty bag

and lock her
in the trunk of the car.

-Okay.
-TONY: Nah, Nah. [CHUCKLES]

Not so fast, Mr. Christian.
Look,

guys come on.
For better or for worse,

this is what Angela wants,

and I think we should
be supportive.

Give her one more chance
for me, okay?

-Okay.
-All right, come on.

Let's move it.

Whoops.

Mother.

The ladle, the ladle!

-What is going on here?
-Nothing, nothing,

nothing at all, nothing at all.

Well, I've got to get the rest
of my stuff.

Lois is picking me up, we're--

we're really buried at work.
[CHUCKLES]

[SOBS]

-Hi, Angela.
-Hi. [CHUCKLES]

I love taking out the garbage.
I really do.

[CHUCKLES]

She's ready to snap, isn't she?

Like a cheap brassiere.

[GRUNTS]

The first one who says,
"This is not how Tony does it,"

gets a breakfast sausage
up her nose.

Nice seeing you, Angela.

Can you teach me how to ride
my bike again, Angela?

All-- all right, but just, uh,
just for five minutes

before you have to go to school.
Easy,

easy, okay.
Now we'll take you around here.

Remember what I told you.

Imagine that
you're on a tight rope.

Just keep looking straight
ahead, don't look down.

Hey, hey, hey!
[CHUCKLES]

Looking good on that bike
there buddy.

-[CHUCKLES]
-[CAR HONKS]

Oh, there's my ride.
Bye, guys.

Morning, Lois!

Sweetheart, keep doing that.
That's really good.

[CLATTERING]

Billy!

I guess I fell
off the tight rope.

Tony, you're sure
this is no trouble?

Pshaw! Mr. Campbell.
What, are you kidding me. Hey.

I don't think of you
as just a principal
of this school.

I think of you as a friend,
and-- and as Angela and I say,

our house is always
open to our friends.

[CHUCKLES] Come on in.

Or we could go for Mexican.
[CHUCKLES]

-I knew it, this is a problem.
-No, no, no, please,

please come-- come--
Come on in, come on in here.

Hey, Angela!

You bellowed?

Ah, Angela,
this is Mr. Campbell,

the principal of the school.
[CHUCKLES]

-Hello.
-[TONY GROANS]

The one I said I was bringing
home for dinner.

Dinner?

I left you three messages.

Didn't you check
the answering machine?
[CHUCKLES]

Tony, if it isn't dirty, sticky,
or hungry, I haven't touched it.

-Maybe I should go.
-Oh, no, please,

please, Mr. Campbell,
please come in
and make yourself comfortable.

Have a seat here.

There you go. There you go.
The--

The house, uh, doesn't
usually look like this.
[CHUCKLES]

Well, it was perfectly clean
ten minutes ago.

Well, what happened?

[CHILDREN SCREAMING]

They did.
Fire, pestilence, and death.

Okay, look. You-- you straighten
up. I'll go make the fish.

I didn't get any fish,
I didn't go to the market.

What do you mean
you didn't go to the market?

I mean what were you doing
all day?

Let's start with a car full
of screaming kids

with stops at the cleaner,
the bakery,

the shoemaker and the car wash.

Oh-- oh-- oh, you had time
to go to the car wash?

When a child pukes in your car,
you make time!

I'll warm up some chicken.

Oh, you're not gonna give
my boss that chicken?

Last night
you said you liked it.

-Well, I lied.
-[ANGELA GASPS]

I lied, it was-- it was over
cooked and under seasoned.

And there was a--
there was a strange part

there that even another chicken
wouldn't recognize.

So, I suppose you've been
lying about everything.

No, no, not everything,
I honestly think the house
is a mess.

Fine! Fine.
That's the thanks I get

after giving you the three best
days of my life.

[INHALES SHARPLY] Well,
if you wanted chicken,

have Lois make you a chicken,

because I quit!

[SOBS]

So, you got the hots for Lois,
too.

All day long I cook,
and clean, and wash,

and it's never good enough.

I know, dear, I know.

That's why
I never do those things.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Truce?

You lure him in.
I'll whack him with a ladle.

Mother!

You know,

when your father and I wanted
to make up after a fight.

We'd build a fire,

we'd get a good bottle of wine,

and then we'd...

Have a nice chat.

I guess, I, uh...

I said some pretty harsh
things down there.

You did.

You insulted me and my chicken.

Well, I, uh, apologize
to the both of you.

Now, listen, uh, I guess I, uh,
I was feeling a lot of pressure,

you know, with the new job,
and it--

it finally all came out.

You've been feeling pressure,
too?

Oh, yeah, yeah, but, hey,
that's-- that's no excuse.

I mean you have every right
to be mad at me.

That's right.

But I'm not mad at you.

I'm mad at me.

What do you--
what do you mean?

Tony, how many times

have I surprised you
with a dinner guest.

The house is always immaculate,
you whip up a wonderful meal,

you make the guest feels
comfortable,

and you never break a sweat.

[CHUCKLES] Gee, Angela,
you know I--

I've been doing
this for a lot of years.

You know, I was-- I was born
to be a housekeeper.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, even when I played
baseball I batted clean up.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, Tony I--

I guess I've been stressed out

because I've been trying
to be as good as you.

Oh, wow, that is stressful.

[CHUCKLES] I just wanted this
to work out for everybody,

I wanted it to work out
for you and me all of us, and--

I just don't feel
like I accomplished

anything this week.

-I feel like a failure.
-That is not true.

BILLY: Tony, Angela, look at me!
look at me!

Hang on, hang on, hang on.
One second.

Hang on. [CHUCKLES]

Ju-- Oh, ju-- just a second
there Billy boy.

We'll be right down.
Hey-- hey be careful.

Don't ride too close
to that garden.

Angela, you are not a failure,
Angela.

Wait a minute.
Is he riding his bike?

Tony,
he's riding his bike!

Oh! Oh, a Kodak moment!

-[SCREAMS] Way to go, Billy!
-[ANGELA SCREAMS CHEERFULLY]

Hey, you did great.

I pretended
I was on a tight rope.

-Aw!
-On a tight rope

just like I told you.

Thanks, Angela.

Aw! Let me see you go.
Come on, let me see you go.

Whoa!

And you said you thought
you were a failure.

Well, I guess
I did one thing right.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

And, you know, you-- you look
pretty good doing it, too.

You think?

-Well. [CHUCKLES]
-[CHUCKLES]

[CLATTERING]

Billy, are you okay?

BILLY: It's okay. I landed
on an omelet.

TONY: Who's The Boss
will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

I can't wait till we run out
of that soda with the caffeine.

[♪♪♪]