07x14 - Days of Blunder

[bunniefuu]

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. [SIGHS]

Come on, Angela,
let's shake a leg, please.

Angela, come on!

We got to get to that funeral.
Come on!

Right, right. Still don't know
why we're going to this thing.

I thought you didn't like
Mr. Aiello.

No. I didn't, I didn't.
He was mean--

The kind that would
you know, steal money

from the salvation army
Christmas pot.

The kind of guy that would cut
in front of an older lady

on the communion line,
you know...

The kind of guy that would
knock over a little boy's bike.

It was a new bike, Angela,
shiny red.

It was a Ross.

It had them
little flame stripes,

You know what I mean,
yellow flame.

He was evil incarnate.

-Then why are we going?
-Out of respect.

SAM: Forget it, Jonathan!

JONATHAN: Come on, Sam,
be human for a change!

Not again!
They've been at this all day!

If they put me in a bad mood
for this funeral, so help me!

Come on, Sam, you take him!

Hey, I'm gonna be watching him
all day, you take him!

-I can't!
-Whoa! Whoa! Time out!

What is with you two?
It's nothing but,

bicker, bicker, bicker!

I need to buy stuff for school
and no one will take me.

I can't believe
what I'm hearing here.

If Billy needs something,

you two should be fighting over
who's gonna do it first.

Oh, sure, so I have to give up
working on my term paper

just so he could go study
with some girl

who obviously has no taste
in men.

-Girl? Girl? What girl?
-Patricia.

Way to keep a secret, big mouth.

-[TONY LAUGHS]
-Look, I have no time

for this childish banter.

Right now, I'm immersed
in Plato's Republic.

Well, immerse yourself in this!
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Oh, yeah? [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

All right, guys, guys, guys,
please stop. Stop.

You're getting Billy all wet.
Come on.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road and
A road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you,
My friend ♪

♪ The nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

Now I'm gonna tell you something
that my grandfather told me.

Family. La famiglia...

is everything,
and you guys family.

-Uh, actually, Dad, we're not.
-We're all from different
parents.

I just got here.

Well, you're as close to family
as you're gonna get.

And look,
you guys got to pull together

and do things for each other.
I'll show you what I mean here.

See this, see this pencil,
this one, lone, solitary pencil?

Hey Jonathan,
break that pencil.

[EXHALES] Interesting.

Easily broken, that one pencil.
Huh?

Now, take these
three pencils here-- United.

Try to break those, Jonathan.

Oh, that wasn't supposed
to happen.

Angela, get me three iron pipes.

-I think they got the point.
-And the point is?

Three people standing together

are stronger than
any single member of that group.

Whoo! Stirs your soul!
Doesn't it, people?

Okay, okay, Billy, I'd be glad
to take you shopping.

Come on, what do you need,
buddy?

-More pencils. Tony broke them.
-All right, come on. Here!

Take him out of here.

Well, you and mom
better get going.

-Dead men don't wait.
-Jonathan!

Well, well, what's the matter?

Want to spend some time alone
with Patricia, huh, guy?

Does this Patricia
have a last name?

No, Mom, she doesn't.
She's like Cher.

[LAUGHS] That's good.

You see, Angela.
See, there are certain times

in a young man's life

when he can't discuss
everything with his mother,

So of course, he comes
to his housekeeper.

What's the scoop, Studmeister?

We're going, we're going.
Okay, come on--

-[DOORBELL RINGS]
-Back door! Back door!

Now wait a minute, Jonathan,
we will not embarrass you!

Really, we just want to meet
your little study buddy.

Well, I won't embarrass you,

and I'll try to keep your mother
in line.

-Hi, Patricia.
-Hey, Joe.

-Joe?
-She calls everybody Joe.

Names are just labels.
I deplore labels.

Okay. [CHUCKLES]

So, uh, Joe,
this is Joe's mother Joe,

and I'm Joe--
Joe's housekeeper Joe.

Nice to meet you, Patricia.

I like the way you guys dress.
Basic black.

Oh, well, we have to go
to a funeral.

Cool! I love funerals.
Can we go?

I don't think it'll be much fun
for you.

It's a closed casket.

Gee, what a bummer.
Well, let's go study.

Oh, this is my grandma.

-Hiya, Joe.
-Hiya, Bill.

I like her.

Thanks. I like your fifth
earring from the top.

Oh, this is an African
love stone.

Folklore has it

that if your partner nibbles
on it,

he'll ravage you
like a wild beast.

Cool!

We're not going
to the funeral!

No, no, no, Angela, Come on,
Angela. it's just folklore.

No it's not.
I've got one.

No, don't! Hey, hey, hey!

Come on, now, I admit
she's a little bit quirky,

but I'm sure deep down inside
she's a nice, normal kid.

No. That girl sprouted
from a pod.

No, if mother thinks
she's weird--

Oh, my God--
My poor Jonathan!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Your poor Jonathan
can take care of himself.

[LAUGHS] You wouldn't be
saying that if it was Sam

in there with some guy
wearing an African love stone.

Oh, I wouldn't be overreacting
a la you.

[LAUGHS] Oh, you mean like
the time

you barricaded the front door
to keep Sam from going out

with that guy
with the leather chaps.

I didn't barricade the door.

I was simply looking
for a new place

for the refrigerator.

And anyway, I mean,
it's a lot different for guys

than girls. You know.

Aha! You have a double standard.

Well, yes and no.

Well, what I mean is,
I mean at some point

you got to, you know, realize
that as your kids grow up,

They're gonna date people
that you don't like.

-Maybe you're right.
-I know I am.

I'm just so glad
it's not me this time!

Come on, come on,
we're going to a funeral,

take your mind off
your troubles.

-Oh! Forgot the flowers.
-All right.

-I'll warm up the car.
-TONY: Okay.

[PATRICIA LAUGHS]
You crack me up. You know,

you're the greatest guy.
You're the cutest, too.

All right, Joe! [LAUGHS]

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Where are you going?

Where are you going? Sounds like
you're on a roll in there.

Correction. The guy
she's talking to

on the phone is on a roll.

-Oh.
-What do I do, Tony?

Well, Jonathan, do you really
like this girl?

Like her?
Every time I see her,

it's like my insides
are gonna explode

and show up on my outsides.

Well, as the guy who does
the laundry around here,

let's try to avoid that,
you know.

Come here, come here,
look listen to me.

If you really like this girl,
Jonathan, then,

go for it!

-Go for it?
-Yeah.

So, what you're saying is,
go for it.

Well, that's another way
of putting it. [CHUCKLES]

But what I mean is,
just be cool

don't let that other guy
intimidate you,

and whatever you do,

make sure Patricia knows
how you feel about her.

First I have to convince her
that I exist.

No problemo! What?
Are you kidding me?

You're a good-looking guy,
you're smart, you're charming.

[SNIFFS]
You're wearing an awful lot

of my cologne.

Hey.

You do whatever it takes
to win her heart.

"Whatever it takes.
Go for it."

You know so much
about women.

Eh. Can't live with them,
can't live without them.

Another one! I've got to write
these down!

-[LAUGHS] Oh, well.
-[HORN HONKING]

Hey, look, Jonathan,
you take these. Huh?

They'll do you a lot more good
than they will Mr. Aiello, eh?

-Thanks, Tony.
-All right.

-I'm going for it.
-[CHEERS] Go for it!

I'm glad I'm not 15 no more.

Okay, I'll call you later, Joe.
Bye.

Here. These are for you.

Jonathan.
Oh, and the card.

"Thinking of you in your time
of sorrow."

This is such a turn on!

What can I say?
I'm a romantic guy.

I don't feel like studying.

There's this new German film
at the fine art.

You want to go?

Sure. The number five bus
runs right by there.

A bus? I don't think so.
I'll get Joe to take me.

Wait. I'll take you.

You're only 15.
You don't have a license.

Just because
I don't have a license

-doesn't mean I can't drive.
-Really?

Sure. Come on,
we'll take my mom's car.

Uh-oh. They took
my mom's car.

-What about this jeep?
-It's Tony's jeep.

Well, it's black,
and I do love black.

But it's Tony's black jeep.

So? Tony's gone.
Let's just go for it.

Go for it!

Hey, whatever it takes!

-Let's rock 'n' roll!
-All right. First the ignition.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Then, pop this baby
into drive

and release the parking brake.

-Sam? Sam! Sam!
-What?

I've got to talk to you.
I'm in trouble. Big trouble.

Oh, okay. I'm here for you.
What is it?

-I crashed Tony's car.
-Bye.

-Sam, wait.
-Are you okay?

Yeah.

Why would you do
such a stupid thing?

I did it to impress Patricia.

I did it for love.

Oh. For love.

Dad will buy that.
What happened?

Well, I was making a right turn

and Patricia started tickling
my cheek with her nose and--

I don't want to hear
about this!

I got nervous
and I jumped the curb

and ran through a rose bush.

And now there's a scratch
on Tony's fender.

Well, how big a scratch?

Not that big.
Actually, it's pretty small.

In fact, you can hardly see it.

-Hey, maybe he won't notice.
-Right.

Somebody scratched
Tony's car.

Well, look at the bright side.

Now, dad can go
from one funeral to another.

You've got to help me, Sam.

No, Jonathan, you're
not dragging me into this.

Wait, I ask for one tiny favor,

-and you turn your back on me.
-Jonathan--

I'm gonna have to k*ll
somebody here.

Dad, I had nothing
to do with it.

-Oh, yes, you did, Samantha.
-I did?

Yes. We just went through this,
didn't we people?

-The pencils.
-Pencils?

You know,
families stick together.

That's right, Billy boy.
That's why we help each other.

And what's the first thing
I hear when I walk in the house?

Sam saying,
"No, I won't help you."

Uh, but, Dad--

No, no, no, please, please.
I don't want to hear it.

You two guys work this out.

We will.
Don't worry about it, Tony.

So, what are you guys
doing back so fast?

Well, the ground was so frozen
They couldn't dig the grave.

It's been rescheduled
for next Tuesday.

Just like Aiello to make me go
to his funeral twice.

I'm telling you, this happens
again, it's burial at sea.

Come on.

You heard what Tony said, Sam.
We help each other.

-Please, help me.
-Forget it, Jonathan.

I'm not going to be part
of any cover-up.

Cover-up.

That's great.
I'll cover up the scratch

with Tony's touch-up paint.

You're the best, Sam.

Billy, don't grow up like him.

Okay.

Sam, I know I'm not the greatest
grandmother in the world,

but did I miss
Jonathan's 16th birthday?

No. He's still 15, Mona.

Good.

Then I don't have
to give him this gift.

It was stale anyway.

-Why were you asking?
-Well, I could have sworn

that I saw Jonathan

driving Tony's jeep
on Third Street.

And there was a girl
nibbling at his earlobe.

I don't want to hear about this!

I tried to follow him,

but he took a shortcut
through a rose bush.

Yeah. That was Jonathan.

Billy,
that was our little secret.

Well, I didn't tell her
about the scratch.

Scratch? Is there an accident?

-Was somebody hurt?
-No, it was nothing,

but he's such a bonehead.

And now, he wants me
to bail him out.

Why would he come to me?

You mean other
than the fact that he worships

the ground you walk on?

-Please, Mona.
-No, I'm serious.

He thinks of you
as a big sister.

He's always bragging
to his friends

about Sam, the college girl.

He even carries a picture of you
in his wallet.

I know. I just went through it.

He really feels that way
about me?

Absolutely.

So don't be so hard
on the kid, huh?

Remember
when you were 15?

You were kind
of a bonehead, too.

Great. The one person
in the world

idolizes me,
and it's Jonathan.

I idolize you.

The paint's frozen, Sam.
Now what am I gonna do?

Give me that.

How have you survived
since I moved out?

It hasn't been easy.

Billy doesn't know
how to do anything.

Hey!

-Anyone want some tea?
-SAM: Oh, no. No, thanks.

[CLATTERING]

-What was that?
-[BOTH STAMMER]

-Nail polish.
-Black nail polish?

It's Patricia's. I brought it
to give it back to her.

Jonathan, I want to talk
to you about her.

You're right, Mom.
She's weird, she's strange,

she's definitely not for me,
I'm never gonna see her again.

Boy, as a parent,
I'm good.

♪ Wait a moment
Wait a moment ♪

Dad, where are you going?

I'm going to put some more
antifreeze in my jeep.

Now?

Yeah. Tonight it's supposed
to drop down to ten degrees.

And you know next to you,
that jeep's my baby.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Well, why don't you put
some antifreeze

in yourself first.
Why don't you have some tea.

Oh, thanks, Sam,
it's very nice of you

but I'll have some later.

[GRUNTS]

What is it?
What's wrong?

I think I have something
in my eye.

Oh, let me see, let me see.
Come here, come here. Look up.

-I don't see anything, Sam.
-Oh, Dad, it really hurts.

Well, maybe it's some dust.

Dust?

-In my kitchen, Angela?
-I just meant that--

I know exactly what you meant,

but let me tell you,
there's no dust in my kitchen!

-Hello, I am in pain here!
-Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, I'm sorry.

-[BLOWS]
-Oh!

What are you doing?

That's the way you get something
out of someone's eye, Angela.

-It's out, isn't it, Sam?
-Uh, yeah, yeah.

Good.

-Ow!
-ANGELA: What?

-Dad-- It's in my other eye.
-What!

Isn't that weird? It's so weird.

Look up, look up.
Let me see.

Well, I'll be darned.

It's gone!

Dad, you're brilliant.

Hey, if that didn't work

it could always get out
the old dust-buster.

Well, I'm gonna go upstairs
and finish that report on Plato.

-I'll help you, Sam.
-You will?

Sure, I can help you type
what you've written

-and I can help you proof read.
-That'll be great. Thanks.

First the Berlin wall crumbles,
now this.

I didn't do it.

-[ENGINE STARTS]
-[KEYS JINGLING]

You want me to pull over?

Officer, I couldn't
have been speeding.

You caught up to me on foot.

Are you Anthony Micelli,

registered owner
of this vehicle?

Yeah.

Mr. Micelli, I gotta
complaint here,

charging you
with careless driving

and destroying private property.

Are you kidding me? I just
moved the car three inches.

What'd I get, an ant hill?

Sir, earlier today your vehicle

was identified in a rose bush
thrashing incident.

But that's-- that's crazy.

This-- This car--
This car hasn't moved all day.

You're wasting your time,
officer.

That's part of my job, Sir.

Can you explain to me
why this hood is warm?

It is?

It is. [EXHALES]

And maybe you can explain

that touch-up paint
on your pants.

Do I get one phone call?

Sir, you have 24 hours
to make restitution

to the complaining party,

or a bench warrant
will be issued for your arrest.

Have a nice day.

So far the high point's
been a funeral.

I kept your tea hot.

I'm already hot enough.
The police were just here.

-Why? What's wrong?
-While we were at that funeral,

somebody stole
my Cherokee,

got into an accident,

then tried to cover-up
by painting over the scratch.

Oh, no. Tony, wait.

Why? Who would do
something like that?

There's only person
in this house

who's childish
and irresponsible enough

to pull a stunt like that. Mona!

-Mona, you get down here!
-Tony, this is ridiculous.

Why would mother steal your car?

Why, Angela, why? Who knows
how the criminal mind works?

[DOOR CLOSES]

What is all this yelling about?

Does the term hit and run
mean anything to you, Mona?

Well, that's what they used to
call me in high school.

Please.

How-- How did you find that out?

An officer of the law
was just here.

TONY: Oh, that's right, see.

I know about the accident,

the rose bush, the paint,
I know everything.

U-- Okay, okay. You caught me.

I will pay for the damage

and I'll get your car fixed,
okay?

No, it's not okay, Mona.

What you did was stupid
and irresponsible.

And what kind of example is that
to set for the children?

Look, Tony, she didn't do it.
The truth is--

I took your car. If you want
to yell at someone, yell at me.

Sam--

I can't believe you would do
something like this.

-She didn't do it--
-It was me.

I cracked up your car.

You cracked up my car?

Yeah. I couldn't see
over the wheel.

All right, all right,
wait a minute.

What's going on here?

Look, everybody,
thanks for covering for me,

but the truth is,

see Patricia usually dates
older guys who drive--

I knew it, I knew it, that girl
was a bad influence.

I mean look what she did
to my baby.

Look what your baby
did to my jeep.

I knew I was doing
something wrong,

but this voice in my head said,
"Go for it."

Go for it.

Now why would you listen
to such a stupid voice?

It was Tony's.

Well, I was-- I
you know, I-- I was gonna--

I meant more like, you know,
write her a poem,

Not grand theft auto!

I know. I'm sorry.

Well, sorry just doesn't cut it,
Jonathan.

You're in serious trouble.

You're grounded
for one month.

and when it comes time
to get your license,

-don't hold your breath.
-Okay, Mom.

And you. Oh, yeah, you.

You for covering up for him
like that--

You're grounded too.
Go to your room.

Fine.

May not work as well
once they move out.

Uh-oh.

And what do you think
we should do about him?

Well, obviously he's the brains
of the operation.

I'll go to my room.

I'm telling you, this is the way
Baby Face Nelson started.

And you knew all about this
and you didn't say anything?

I'll-- I'll go to my room.

Can I have conjugal visits?

Mother!

You must be furious.

I'm furious.
It's not even my car.

What?

What-- What are you
grinning about?

-They're family, Angela.
-What?

Don't you get it?

When the chips went down.
When they needed each other,

there they were,
pulling for each other.

Three pencils. Unbreakable.

-They bonded, Angela.
-Against us in crime.

Well, you got to start
somewhere.

[♪♪♪]

TONY: Who's The Boss
will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

So, Patricia and I patched
things up.

-and we're going out tonight.
-Oh, that's great.

But hey-- Is it okay
with your mother?

Oh, yeah. She's really cool
about it. Right, mom?

-That's right, honey.
-[DOORBELL RINGS]

That's Patricia.

Looks good there.

[♪♪♪]