07x08 - Roomies

[bunniefuu]

Hi, Sam. [CHUCKLES] It's Matt.

I figured I'd send you
a videotape

because in letters, I never
really quite know, um...

Well, I mean, the words just
never seem to, uh, uh...

You know?

Dumb as a rock, but I love you.

I'm going out of town
for a while,

but I'm sending you
a little surprise. [CHUCKLES]

It's just my way of saying,

well, how m--- how much I,
uh, uh...

-You know?
-Oh, shut up and kiss me.

Well, that's one thing
I haven't tried.

Matt sent me a video letter.

What a great way
to stay in touch.

Yeah, yeah. Without even
touching. I love it.

[CHUCKLES]

-He looks like Deputy Dawg.
-Oh, come on.

Oh, never mind. Come on.
Let's leave these two alone.

MATT: Sorry to hear
about your dorm.

But if you're not happy there,
you should move out.

What, what do you mean
you're not--

you're not happy
at the dorm, Sam?

You didn't tell me that.

MATT: Anyway,
back on the home front.

Hog futures are down--

What kind of future
does a hog have anyway?

Come on, what--
what's going on?

Dad, the dorm is noisy and crazy
and I can't study there.

I mean, why do you think
I'm here so much?

[SMIRKS] You like me?

[CHORTLES] Get real, Dad.

Um, hey, hey,
you guys hear this?

Sam wants to move out the dorm.

I know. Well-- do you blame her,
with all that noise?

Am I the only one
that doesn't know

what's going on
in my daughter’s life?

Hey, Sam, find a place yet?

Okay, so I'm the only one.

I mean, hey,
if it's so bad there,

why don't you move back here?

I'm getting real, getting real.

You know, the same thing
happened to me

when I was in college.
I couldn't study.

I couldn't sleep. My roommate
was partying night and day,

-day and night.
-Huh, sounds like a wild dorm.

No. I was living with mother.

I had to find my own apartment.

Oh. An off campus apartment,
that would be heaven.

Thank you very much, Angela.

That's what I said to her
when she finally moved out.

I wasn't suggesting that
for you,

I think, living in the dorm
is a good experience.

And I've done it, besides,
if I move out, Dad,

maybe I could find
a place nearby

and visit you more often.

Get real.

Look, Sam, I don't know
about this. I mean,

wouldn't you be trading
one set of problems,

for another set of problems?

It can't be as bad as the zoo
I'm in now Dad.

Oh, yes it can. Yes it can.
Girl in my history class, Beth,

nice as can be,
she got a terrific place.

But she's had the worst luck
with roommates,

In fact, one of them
skipped out on her this week

she doesn't know now,

if she'll be able
to make the rent.

Oh, great. When can I meet her?

See, I-- I made that up.
So, it was just--

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times
I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

-SAM: Beth, I love this house.
-BETH: Oh, thanks. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, it's pretty nice,
pretty nice. Say, uh--

How come the rent is so cheap?

Well, we're house-sitting
for Professor Wolff

while he's on sabbatical.
He gave us a great deal.

Feel the ambience.

You can tell
that an educated man lives here.

[SMIRKS] Professor Wolff
reads Jackie Collins?

He's says, he's translating her
into Latin.

-TONY: Mm-hmm.
-[CHUCKLES] Go ahead,

check out the rest of the house.

-Oh, okay. Okay.
-She's a sweet girl.

Hey, an Irish catholic.

Second only
to an Italian catholic.

So, where's the other roommate?

Oh, I think
Benjamin's at the gym.

-Benjamin?
-Is that a problem for you?

Oh, for me, no. [SNICKERS]
For my dad, nuclear winter.

But he's my fiancé.

Oh! Well, that helps.
[CHUCKLES]

In fact, I'm kind of, sort of,
almost pre-engaged myself,

So, this--
this will work out fine.

So, when is Benjamin
getting back?

Oh, actually, those are his keys
right there,

so, he must be here.

-[BENJAMIN CHUCKLES]
-He's probably in the shower.

-[TONY SCREAMS]
-[ANGELA SCREAMS]

I think they found him.

There's-- there's a naked man
in the shower out there!

Angela and I were just--
Angela, get down here!

What were you doing
up there?

I kept walking into the wall.
I had my eyes closed.

-Well, who is that guy?
-That's Benjamin.

Well-- does he live here
or just come to towel off?

-He lives here.
-But--

But it's okay, Dad.
They're engaged.

Oh! Do you mean-- We wish you

all the happiness in the world.
We'll send you a toaster.

Come on, Sam,
let's get out of here.

Dad, at least let's meet him
and then decide.

Sam, I've already met
more of him than I want to.

We are already here.

Maybe, it wouldn't hurt to see
what he's like... dressed.

-Something like this.
-ANGELA: Oh.

Terribly, terribly sorry.
It's all our fault.

No, no, no. It's my fault
for showering nude.

I'm Benjamin, you must be
the new Roomie.

No, no, no, she's not.

You see, I got a real problem
with this,

and let me tell you, no one,
have ever accused me

of being a prude.

[CHORTLES]

Well, you know,
there was that time

that Father Vincente
called you a prude.

Well, I just don't buy
a priest in shorts.

And I don't buy my daughter
living with a man.

Sir, if I may, I'm not a man.

This should be good.

I just-- don't think of myself
as an individual,

I think of myself
as half a couple,

and this is my better half.

So, you guys have

absolutely nothing
to worry about.

Well...

Is it just me,

or is there some serious bonding
going on here, huh?

It's just you.

Tony,
I wouldn't steer you wrong,

the truth is we're running out
of time,

-And we need a roommate fast.
-[TONY SIGHS]

Dad, and think about it,

there's one practically
married guy here

And hundreds of single guys
running around the dorm.

Come here.

Well what-- what do you think?

Well, if you say no,

you have a daughter
who resents you

and gets bad grades,
and thinks you don't trust her.

And if I say yes,
I don't sleep for four years.

I don't know what to do.

How about letting me
be the adult

and decide for myself?

[INHALES DEEPLY] Nah.

-Hi, Jonathan.
-Hey, Sam.

How's are things going
with the new roommates?

Oh, great.
It's really working out.

Bless you.

-What are you doing?
-I'm really happy for you.

I care, okay?

Have you sustained
a recent head injury?

Don't you see?
You're making my life easier.

Every battle you win
is one less I have to fight.

Today, you live with a guy.

Tomorrow, I'm in a condo

with three stewardesses
named Bambi.

You're sick.

Sam... dare to dream.

I got to get that kid a helmet.

Hey, hey, hey,
how's the new crib? [CHUCKLES]

-[CHUCKLES]
-I'm so hip. [CHUCKLES]

-Proof's in the pudding.
-Well, what's this? What's this?

Hey! An "A" in sociology!
Sam, way to go.

Hey, and I'm the first
to hear about this, right?

I mean, It hasn't already been
on Nightline?

Okay, Sam,
here is the video camera.

Thanks, I'm making a tape
of the new place for Matt.

Oh-- just one minute.

If this tape fell
into the wrong hands...

-the senator would k*ll me.
-Oh, Mona!

What's the Matter with you?
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

See what Sam got
over here? [CHUCKLES]

You mean, the "A" in sociology?

-You heard?
-Oh, yeah.

Me, too.

Old news.

Hey, hey, hey, mister, mister,
let me tell you something.

Look at me. From now on
when you hear anything,

you come to me.

Okay. Mona's dating a senator.

SAM: There it is, Matt--
"Samantha Micelli."

My first mailbox.

Oh, look! I may have already won
five million dollars.

Let's go in,
and tell my roommates

the good news.

They're terrific.

They're so much in love,
they remind me of us.

Help!

I hate you!

Guys, guys,
what are you fighting about?

He's suffocating me!

Yeah, well, it doesn't mean
you have to choke me!

I just wanted you to see
how it felt.

Guys, this is ridiculous.
You love each other,

-now, what happened?
-He's always checking up on me.

I just asked
where you were last night.

Six hundred times.

Okay, okay, uh,

Beth would just like
a little more space.

You can give her that,
can't you?

-Yeah, of course I can.
-There.

See, now, when you communicate,
problems get solved.

Is there anything else, Beth?

I think I'm in love with Gary.

Okay.

So, who's up for Yahtzee?

I'm sorry, that it had
to come out this way.

By the way,

Gary offered to take over
payment on the ring.

Well... that's 12 bucks a month
off my mind.

WOMAN: I hate you!

I hate you!

I hate you!

Would you stop
torturing yourself with that?

Hey, come on.
These are the highlights.

Check her out in slow motion.

IMITATES: I hate you.

Look, she's gone,

but there are worse things
in life than being dumped.

-Like what?
-My cooking! [CHUCKLES]

-Here. Eat some eggs.
-Thanks.

Hey, and listen,
thanks for staying up with me

last night. I guess,

I just needed to cry,
vent, whimper. [CHUCKLES]

You know, it takes a big man
to curl up into fetal position

and suck his thumb.

-Eat your eggs.
-Hmm.

Oh, yeah. Uh, watch out
for the shells.

Thank God. I thought
it was a beak.

-[DOORBELL CHIMES]
-I got it.

Okay.

[BENJAMIN GRUNTS]

-Hi.
-Oh, hi.

I must have the wrong place.

I'm looking
for Samantha Micelli?

Oh, no. She's here.
We live together.

Matt?

Oh, no.

Benjamin, are you okay?

Yeah, sure. I'm fine.

Would someone get the phone?

How could you do this?

Boy, the parking
in this neighborhood.

Man, I mean-- Hey, Sam,

how'd you like
the little surprise

I brought you, huh?

Knocked me out.

Why didn't you tell me
that she was living with a man?

Oh, wow. Oh, wow, wait a minute,
Matt. He's not a man.

He's not a man,
see, he's half of a couple.

He lives here with his fiancée.
Oh, she's a terrific girl,

You're going to love her.
You meet her, wait--

Beth! Beth!

[TITTERS] Dad,
you're gonna have to yell

a lot louder than that.

[SHOUTS] Beth!

No. Dad, she moved out
last night.

-What?
-You didn't know that, sir?

I don't know anything
about my daughter anymore.

I've been very behind lately.

I'm hoping she's gonna come out
with a newsletter.

You slept in this house
alone with him?

All we did was talk.

-Talk?
-Yes! Talk!

You now me better than that.
We trust each other, don't we?

You're right. You're right.

Come here.

Alright. Oh, jeez,

I'm really sorry
for hitting you, partner.

Hey, what are jaws for?

Now, you see that, Matt?

A little talk, a little trust,

things straighten themselves
out, don't they, Matt?

[CHUCKLES]
You're a wise man, Mr. Micelli.

That's me.

Sam, get your things,
I'll help you move out.

Yeah, I got some boxes
back at the house.

-I'm not moving out.
-What?

Uh, I knew
it wasn't gonna be this easy.

Well, you're not staying
in here.

-Oh, yes, I am.
-Oh, no. You're not!

You gotta run the ropes man,
go ahead.

I like it here. We'll just get
a new roommate.

-Uh, boy or girl?
-Maybe one of each.

Ooh, you're not going
to take that, are you Matt?

You listen to me, Sam,
no woman of mine--

-Hold on!
-TONY: Oh!

You were doing so good!

Look, the last time I checked,
I was my own person,

and I intend
to keep it that way.

Yeah, well I don't intend
to have you live here

with some good-looking guy.

Yeah. Everybody thinks so.

Over here. Over here.
Over here.

If this is the way
you're going to act,

I have to wonder
if we have a future.

Then maybe we don't!

-Oh--
-Don't start on me!

Oh, no, no, no.
Come over here.

Hey, look, I just have some
serious concerns

about this arrangement here.

and-- I will talk about it
tomorrow. Okay?

Okay.

I better go find Matt

before he blows all his change
on a mechanical bull. [CHUCKLES]

I just cannot believe
he hit Benjamin.

I mean,
he always seemed so gentle.

I don't know, I think
it's kind of nice for a guy

to fight for you. [CHUCKLES]

That's why I try
never to date bleeders.

But nothing was going on, Mona.

Oh, we know,

but you have to put yourself
in Matt's place.

You walk in,
you see your boyfriend

in his pajamas
with another girl,

having breakfast.
What would you say?

Everybody into the pool!

I know,
but where does he get off

ordering me to move out?

I mean, who died
and made him dad. [SNIGGERS]

You think about
what you're saying,

let's not forget I mean,

You were sort of, kind of,
almost pre-engaged to this guy.

I know,
and that's what scares me.

I mean, how could I be so wrong
about somebody?

Maybe, you weren't.

Sam, don't be so fast

to throw away
three wonderful months

because of five bad minutes.

You know, every ten years or so,

she comes up with a real gem.

Very good, dear.

Thanks anyway, guys.

[ANGELA SIGHS]

Poor kid. Hm, ugh,
it's so hard being 18.

You remember what it was like?

I'll let you know next year.

-Well, hi.
-Hi, Angela.

Hey, you know, I--
I've been thinking, I--

maybe I should go over to Sam's
and talk to her, huh?

She was just here.

That's it. That's it.

I got to hang a bell
on that kid.

-How's she doing?
-She's confused.

Uh, this is all my fault.

Now, I should've put
my foot down

when she wanted
to move out of the dorm...

Or not. Oh, I don't know.

I mean, where do I
draw the line?

Maybe it's not your job anymore.

But I was so good at it.

-[CHUCKLES]
-[DOORBELL CHIMES]

BILLY: I got it! I got it!

It's the cowboy!
I want to play cowboy.

Where's your horse?

I don't have one.

Oh, where's your g*n?

Uh, I-- I don't believe in them.

Oh, so, you got any bubble gum?

-Okay, let's go.
-TONY: Oh, it's okay...

-Come on, you come with me.
-Come on in here, pal.

Come on, you come
and talk to me.

We can play account executive.
You can be the account manager.

BILLY: Again?

I just came over
to pick up my bags

-and say goodbye.
-Oh, Matt, hold on a sec,

Sam was just here.
She wants to talk.

You want to talk, don't you?

What's the point?

Matt, I can't believe
you're giving up so easy.

I mean, cowboys are supposed
to be strong and forceful

and-- and have gum.

Doesn't it bother you
that she's living all alone,

just a bedroom away
from some strange guy?

[CRUNCH]

Maybe a titch. [CHUCKLES]

But you see, see, Matt,
it's taken me 18 years

and about 63,000 cans

to realize that Sam has to make
her own decisions.

Now, she's usually pretty good
at it

we just gonna have
to have some faith in her.

Uh, but that's easier said
than done.

'Cause sometimes I just--
I just get so,

just so...

-Here.
-...ju--

[CRUNCH]

Thank you. [SNIFFLES]

No problem.
I get them by the case.

I got the account,
I got the account.

He got the account.

Here we go... [SIGHS]
...okay.

Auto set, auto stop.

Yes.

[COUGHS]

Whoa!

What are you doing in here?

Cooking us dinner.
My specialty...

[METAL CLANKS]
...wieners on a wire.

Smoked wieners on a wire.

Um, I'm not really very hungry.

Hey, you owe me.
I ate your eggs.

-Okay.
-BENJAMIN: Okay.

Uh, wait a minute.

Candles, flowers, real plates?

This-- this isn't supposed
to be like a, uh,

a romantic dinner, is it?

Romantic?

[TITTERS] Come on, please.

What kind of a silly idea
is that?

♪ I've got a crush on you ♪

♪ Sweetie pie-- ♪

[BUTTON CLICKS]

Well, maybe a little romantic.

Look, Benjamin,
I'm really flattered,

but I don't think
this is such a good idea.

Yeah, you're right.

Why not?

Because we both
just broke up with people.

Yeah, okay, I know,
but in the short time

that I've known you, I mean...

you've been really great...

and I feel really close to you.

[SIGHS] That's because
you're vulnerable right now.

You're on the rebound.
That's why you think,

you're having these feelings
for me.

♪ Let's get physical ♪

♪ Physical ♪

♪ I want to get physical ♪

I'm really bad with machines.

And women.

Oh, come on.
You're a terrific guy.

-You think?
-[SAM CHUCKLES]

It doesn't take much
to encourage you, does it?

Hey, what do you want from me?
I'm on the rebound.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm sorry.

Friends?

-Friends.
-Friends? Okay.

-Samantha?
-BENJAMIN: Huh?

Oh, no! Not again!

I got to get blue cross.

Matt, I'm sure there's
a logical explanation for this.

Just because there's a fire
and a romantic dinner

and two people kissing,
does not mean--

Sam, what the hell
is going on here?

-Nothing.
-Yeah, well,

it sure looks like something
to me.

Just stop by Sam's

on the way to the airport,
you said?

-I--
-You can't leave

without saying goodbye
you said.

You have to trust her,
you said?

Well, people usually
don't listen to me that closely.

Obviously you're one of those
typical eastern liberal,

permissive parents.

Me?

Oh-- I will have you know

that he is
the most old-fashioned,

most opinionated,

most narrow-minded man
I have ever met.

Thank you, Angela.

I'm just glad
I found out about you now

Obviously, you're not the woman
I thought you were.

-You, either.
-[SCOFFS]

Matt, wait,
you cannot just walk out

every time you catch me
with another guy.

No, wait. Let me rephrase that.

Nothing was going on.

Hey, listen,
she's telling the truth.

I tried some of my best moves
on her, and zip!

-[CHUCKLES]
-You...

I meant that to be helpful.

Which I guess it wasn't. Bye.

I don't know
what to believe anymore.

Well, why don't you
believe in us?

Look, Matt, you've invested
a lot of time and effort

into this relationship.

Don't throw away
three wonderful months

For five-- okay,
maybe nine bad minutes.

-[TONY TITTERS]
-I gave her that.

I guess I just have to learn
to have faith in you.

[CHUCKLES] I gave him that.

Mine was better.

All right, why don't we
just start over?

And if you want to live here...
it's okay with me.

I didn't give him that.

That-- that means a lot to me

but I'm going to move back
into the dorm.

Do I see a rainbow?

That's great! That--
you would do that for me?

[CHUCKLES] No.

For me, it's too crazy here,

I wound up trading
one set of problems for another.

[SMIRKS] I gave her that.

See, now it's two to one.
[CHUCKLES]

All I can say is...

What I really mean is, is that--

Dumb as a rock,
but she loves him.

TONY: Who's the Boss
will be back in a moment.

Stick around.

-TONY: Oh...
-I don't care,

I don't care.
I don't like the idea

of you and your friends,
going into the city alone.

But it's daytime.

But wait, Tony let Sam
move into a house,

And I can't even go see a movie?
It's not fair.

Sorry. [TITTERS]

-Okay.
-Yes!

One less battle
you have to fight.

Bless you.

[♪♪♪]