07x01 - Ridiculous Liaisons

[bunniefuu]

-[DOOR OPENING]
-[HUMMING]

-Have you seen my gold purse?
-Oh, yes.

It's in your closet, right next
to your box of fat clothes.

Oh! Wait a minute,
wait a minute. Now,

aren't we the perfect ten, huh?

Well, thank you.
It takes a ten to know a ten.

[CHUCKLES] Well, I guess

we got
each other's numbers, huh?

-Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
-[CHUCKLES]

Boy, we're really going
to knock 'em dead tonight, huh?

-[DOORBELL RINGING]
-[CHUCKLES]

-That's my date. [CHUCKLES]
-[CHUCKLES]

Yes, yes, well...

-Would you mind letting him in?
-Mind? Why would I mind?

-I happen to like Peter, huh?
-Well, it's just that it's,

-um, it could be, uh...
-Awkward?

-A little.
-Oh, well,

no more awkward than
when you see me with Kathleen.

We're being very sophisticated,
very Cary Grant.

-Oh, indubitably. [CHUCKLES]
-[CHUCKLES]

-[DOORBELL RINGING]
-Oh. Oops.

Mustn't keep
the poor chap waiting.

Ta. [CHUCKLES]

♪ Do-do-do-do ♪

Whooo!

Bit of a chafe there, what?
[CHUCKLES]

Hi, Peter, Peter.
Welcome, welcome.

So, where are you going
all dressed up?

Out. Out with you two, old bean.
[LAUGHS]

My, I do tickle me so.
[CHUCKLES]

-[DOOR KNOCKING]
-Oh.

Allow I. [CHUCKLES]
Get that? Allow I. [CHUCKLES]

-Hi, Tony.
-Hi. Kathleen--

Kathleen,
what are you doing here?

Well, I thought I'd pick you up.
Is there a problem?

Well, actually, I, uh...

-Hi, hi.
-PETER: Hi, hi.

No, no. No problem at all.

Hey, Angela, look who's here,
it's Kathleen.

Hey, Kathleen, look who's there,
it's Angela. [CHUCKLES]

-Hi.
-Hello.

Oh, yes, and, um,
and this is Peter.

Angela's boy-- Uh, date.
[CHUCKLES]

And, um...

And, uh, and--
and this is Kathleen,

my, uh-- my, uh-- my word,
look at the time.

Oh, would you mind
zipping me up?

-Of course. Sure. Oh. [CHUCKLES]
-Sure.

I guess that's your domain,
Peter. [CHUCKLES]

-I can't get it.
-[ANGELA CHUCKLES]

Um, allow I. [CHUCKLES]

-[ZIP SHUTS]
-[TONY CHUCKLES]

It's in my job description,
you know. [CHUCKLES]

Well, look who's here,

Bob and Carol, Ted and Alice.

-We better get going.
-Oh, after you. [CHUCKLES]

ANGELA: Thank you.
Beautiful night.

TONY: Oh, look at the stars.

Life in Hooterville.

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for living ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ Open road and a road
That's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life
Brand-new life ♪

♪ Brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

[♪♪♪]

Angela's not, uh, back yet?

[MONA CHUCKLING]

Oh, Angela's dating Peter

is really bothering you,
isn't it?

[IMITATES MONA]
No, it's not bothering me, Mona.

Let me--
let me explain something to you.

When a woman is hooked on a man,
she glows,

and Angela is not glowing.

I wonder what their hug
and cuddle time is really like.

That's none of your business!

But my guess would be, brief.

[PETER EXHALES]

Brief, but thorough.

Wait a minute. What's going on?

-Peter almost choked at dinner.
-It was the pork.

-Pork is bad, Tony, bad.
-Okay, all right, Peter.

There, there. Pork all gone.
No pork here, Peter.

It-- it was awful.

Some man had to perform
the Heimlich maneuver on him.

He grabbed him from behind
and pulled with all his might.

I've paid to have that done.

Listen, Angela,
I'm gonna have to pass

on the awards dinner
tomorrow night.

Oh, Peter, that's all right.
I understand.

You go home and get some rest.

-PETER: Yeah.
-All right, here, let me--

let me help you there, Peter.
There you go.

-Drive safe.
-PETER: Avoid pork, Tony.

Yeah, I-- I hear you, bro.
I hear you.

Okay. Give us the details.

Oh, there-- there isn't much
to tell.

Uh, we were eating.
Suddenly, Peter couldn't talk,

-and he pointed to his throat.
-[TONY SCOFFS]

And then out of nowhere...

Christopher appeared.

-Ch-- Christopher?
-Peter's savior.

He was so calm about it all.

He just grabbed him
and he pulled

and he shot that pork
a good six yards.

I was afraid that he was going
to hurt Peter, but he didn't.

Angela,
there's a dreamy-sounding man

named Christopher on the phone
for you.

Well...

He can't see you on the phone.

I didn't even hear
the phone ring.

It-- it was--
it was the weirdest thing.

I-- I was feeling depressed

because I can't find
a summer job,

when something told me,
"Sam, pick up the phone."

And there was Christopher.

See, now I know,

something wonderful is going
to happen.

Good night, Father.

And peace be with you.

Hello. Oh, hello, Christopher.

How nice of you to call.

Peter? Oh! Peter! [CHUCKLES]

He's-- he's fine, he's fine.

Uh, listen, um,
I was wondering, um... [INHALES]

...are you free tomorrow night?

Because I have
this awards banquet

and you-- You are?

-What?
-You would?

Terrific.

Well, I'll call you tomorrow
with the details.

Bye.

Well, I-- I can't believe
you just did that.

-Neither can I.
-Neither can I.

I mean, asking a man out
that you've only known...

-Yeah.
-...for five minutes.

Give me a hug!

[♪♪♪]

[BOTH LAUGH, SQUEAL]

-What? What? What? What?
-[BOTH LAUGH]

[ALL LAUGH]

What's so funny? [LAUGHS]

Oh, a joke
that Christopher told us.

[BOTH LAUGH]

It-- it's the one about the pig
with the wooden leg.

[MONA LAUGHS]

Hey, wait a minute!
That's my joke.

-Yeah, but he made it funny.
-[SAM LAUGHING]

Not that yours wasn't funny.

Yeah, it's just
that it's funnier

when it's told by a Greek God

with smoldering eyes
and a butt to match. [CHUCKLES]

Come on, come on.
Nobody can be that handsome.

Is he?

Dad,
you've never seen Christopher?

No! Every time I'm here,
he's not.

Oh, he's here right now.

[ANGELA LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS] Got off
another good one.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Tony.
You just missed Christopher.

Oh, was Christopher here?
Oh, what a-- what a shame.

Oh. You really,

-really have to meet
Christopher.
-[SCOFFS]

Oh, he'll be here
tomorrow night.

Oh, that-- that's too bad
'cause, you know,

I'll be over at Kathleen's,
making dinner for her.

-There will be other chances.
-Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

-Well, adieu.
-Yes, adieu to you, too.

Sheesh! Christopher,
Christopher,

-Christopher, Christopher!
-Yeah,

Christopher and I go way back.

I'm so glad he introduced us.
[CHUCKLES]

[FLUTE TOOTING]

Sam, have you been
taking lessons at school?

[CHUCKLES] No, Dad,
I never touched a flute

before yesterday,

when Christopher set it
in my trembling hands.

[GROANS]

Uh-oh, we forgot
about Mr. Sensitive.

I am not Mr. Sensitive.

I'm ju-- I'm just worried
that this guy has my loved ones

taking up fly-by-night things
like music.

If you'll excuse me.

[FLUTE TOOTING]

Sam, you're playing
Christopher's latest sonata.

[GROANS]

Tony, hi.

Hi, I thought you were going
to Kathleen's for dinner.

Well, I was but, you know, uh...
[CHUCKLES]

...all my utensils are here,
you know. [CHUCKLES]

-[DOORBELL RINGING]
-[ANGELA CLICKS TONGUE]

-That will be Christopher.
-Oh, oh.

Is-- is Christopher coming here?

Well, let's let him in.

[TONY GROANING]

[SCOFFS] You got pimples.

Yes, sir.
Thank you for pointing that out.

Tony, Tony,
this isn't Christopher.

No, ma'am, he was delayed
and sent me to pick you up.

[GROANS] Oh, I don't believe it,
I missed him again!

-You are dying to meet him.
-No. [CHUCKLES] No, no, I'm not.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you are.

No, I am not!

Well, why don't you join the two
of us at La Fleur restaurant.

Oh, please. Look, I-- I--
I'll meet him next week.

Oh, he'll be in Rome
on business.

-Well, then over the weekend.
-He'll be in Athens.

Greek God convention?

That's in December.

Vegas. I've got a booth.

He, uh,
he asked me to go with him.

To Athens? [STAMMERS]

-For the-- for the weekend?
-Mm-hmm.

Moving a little fast, aren't we?

Kind of, but...

I've never done anything
like this in my life before.

Maybe it's time.

[DOOR SHUTS]

What?

Are you going
to let her do that?

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Tie her up and lock her
in a bedroom? [PANTS]

That's how I met my husband.

Hey, Er-- Ernie, Ernie,
I got to talk to you.

-I'm here for you, pal.
-Have a seat.

I have become obsessed
with a man.

-See ya.
-Sit.

Not you, not you. It's this guy
that Angela's dating.

Every time I try to get a look
at him, I miss him,

and it's doing things to me.

Last night, I had this dream
of a faceless man

taking all my loved ones
from me.

-Heavy.
-Yeah.

[STAMMERS]
I-- I don't know why I care.

I mean, I'm dating
a fabulous girl named Kathleen.

I mean, what do I care
about some--

some mystery man
who's got Angela all a glow?

As they say on the continent,

"L'amour n'est pas facile."

What does that mean?

It means, wake up and smell
the chipped beef, homeboy.

Your curiosity
is gonna eat you alive

-until you see this guy.
-Oh, that's crazy.

Huh? And if you don't see him,

this faceless man
is gonna haunt your dreams

like the Tell-Tale Heart.

Ba boom! Ba boom! Ba boom!

[SIGHS]

-Hey, Tony.
-Hey. Hi, Kathleen.

Oh, don't you look pretty.
[CHUCKLES]

-Remember the faceless man.
-TONY: Bye, Ernie.

What faceless man?

Uh, oh, the-- the father
from The Hogan Family, you know.

[SIGHS]

-How-- how-- how was your day?
-It was good.

It was good and getting better.

ERNIE: Ba boom! Ba boom!

-What was that?
-What was what?

-Oh, oh, nothing, nothing.
-You okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I was just--
I'm just a little worried

about my sauce, you know.
[CHUCKLES]

Remember the faceless man.

Remember the--

So, is it sauce yet?

Uh, I don't know he didn't say.

-I beg your pardon?
-Um,

you know what, dinner's ruined,
we gotta go out.

-Well, dinner looks fine.
-No, no, no. Let me tell you,

the sauce is no good.
Uh, hey, uh,

hey, uh,
let-- let's hit the town.

-You like French food?
-Yeah.

Okay, come on. Hey, you know,

why do you think
the French calls "French fries,"

like "Our fries"? [CHUCKLES]

Ernie would know, right?

-[MUSIC PLAYING]
-KATHLEEN: Oh.

This is a very fancy place.

Oh, yes, well,

nothing's too good for you,
Kathleen. [CHUCKLES]

Shall we?

[CHUCKLES] Uh, good evening.

May I help you?

Uh, yeah. Table for two, please.

Do you have a jacket?

Well, yeah, but it's--
it's at home. [CHUCKLES]

But, hey, I did bring the pants.
[CHUCKLES]

[TONY AND KATHLEEN CHUCKLING]

You know, you keep that up,
your face

is gonna freeze that way.

Oh, oh. That's very-- Thank you.

Thank you very much, there, huh?
[CHUCKLES]

-[KATHLEEN CHUCKLES]
-[TONY CHUCKLES]

You got anything in a sharkskin?
[CHUCKLES]

Right this way, please.

Uh, no, no, excuse me. Here...
[STAMMERS]

...come over here. This table--

The table's not gonna be
any good.

-What's wrong with it?
-It's-- it's too close.

I mean, it's too crowded.

I mean, uh, you know,
we need room to spread out.

We may want to lie down.

How about this
table over here?

Is this better, sir?

Oh, that-- that'll--
that'll be excellent.

Would you like a blankey?

No. Just, uh,
a bottle of red wine

will be fine, thank you.

[CLEARING THROAT] Thank you.

"We may want to lie down"?

Well, you know, the food here
is very heavy.

-I'm thinking of the sea bass.
-TONY: Ah.

Could you grab the Maitre D'
and make it white wine instead?

-Of course.
-Thanks. You're the best.

Ah, for you, I'd, uh...
[CHUCKLES]

-...I'd, uh...
-KATHLEEN: What?

Uh, something, something,
something, you know. [CHUCKLES]

-Well said.
-I'll be right back.

Good evening.
[CHUCKLES, SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

-[VIOLIN PLAYING]
-[WHISPERS] Uh, very sorry.

What are you doing, sir?

I, uh, I was just checking out
the dessert tray, you know.

You know, that seven-layer cake
only has six layers. [CHUCKLES]

And I warned you
about that face. [CHUCKLES]

Excuse me.

[CHUCKLES] Hello, again.

So sorry.
You're a lovely couple, really.

-[SIGHS] Hi.
-Thanks.

You know,
I really like white wine better.

-Oh.
-Your bottle of red wine, sir.

[SCOFFS] White. White.

How many times do I have
to tell you?

At least once, sir.

Sheesh. Learn the language.

Are you okay?

You've been acting very strange
all night.

Well, I am feeling
a little weird.

You know, I-- I think I need
a breath of fresh air.

I'll be back.

[CHUCKLES] Hi, again.
How's dinner?

Hey, hey. Come here, come here.

Come here.

Where did that guy go
that was sitting

in that chair over there?

Oh, you mean the nicest customer

that's ever been my pleasure
to serve?

Yes. Where is he?

-Men's room, about a minute ago.
-Thanks, thanks. Thanks.

Mm. At last.

[DOOR OPENS]

[CHUCKLES]

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

-Looking for something?
-Yeah. A-- a man.

Okay.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

Hey.

Boy, you, uh... really do have
smoldering brown eyes.

[CHUCKLES]

Thanks.

-Same to you.
-Well, thanks.

[CHUCKLES] Hey, you know, uh...

I've been, uh,
trying for quite a while

to, uh, to get a look at you.
[CHUCKLES]

Oh, boy!

-Do I know you?
-[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

Yeah. I'm--
I'm Tony Micelli. [CHUCKLES]

Finally, here we are.
I can't believe it, you know.

Together, face-to-face.
[CHUCKLES]

So, this has been a dream
of yours?

Well, actually, you, uh,

have been in my dreams.
[CHUCKLES]

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Well, listen, this has been, uh,
a lot of fun.

But I have a lady waiting
for me.

Yeah, well, tha--
that's what I wanna talk

to you about. You see, uh...

look, you-- you're about
to take away somebody who's--

who's--
who's very special to me, um,

and she--
she's kind of fragile right now,

you know what I mean? And--
and I don't want her

to get hurt or to be unhappy.

So do me a favor, huh?
Just, uh...

take good care of Angela.

Who the hell is Angela?

I'm with Jeannie.

Jeannie?

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

[STUTTERS, CHUCKLES]

Do you ever have one
of them nights

where, like, nothing goes right?

I work in a toilet, Mac.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHUCKLES] Hello, again.

[CHUCKLES] Uh, hey, come on.
Let's get out of here.

What?
We haven't even ordered yet.

Well, look at this lousy table
they gave us.

And I'm not crazy
about this jacket either.

That's it, Tony,
I'm not going anywhere

until I find out
what's going on.

I want a little honesty here
for a change.

All right.

All right.

I'm being followed by the FBI.

[GROANS] All right, look, you--
you deserve the truth.

I dragged you down here
so I can get a--

get a look at Angela's date.

-Angela's here?
-Yeah, yeah.

Don't look. Don't look.

She's moving a little too fast
with this guy,

-and I got worried.
-About what? She's your boss.

[SCOFFS]
Or is she more than that?

Well, I mean, she's kind of more
than that,

but not like you think.

I mean-- Hey, look, I'm here,

I'm back,
I'm with you a hundred percent.

I don't care
if I ever see Angela's date

for the rest of my life.

-Is that him?
-Where? Where? Where?

Call me
when your whiplash heals.

Oh, but, Kathleen,
Kathleen, wait.

Don't-- don't-- don't--
don't go. Please. Don't--

Oh! [GROANING]

MAITRE D':
Mr. Hunter, are you all right?

MR. HUNTER: [CHUCKLING]
Yes, yes, yes.

And, please,
call me Christopher.

-TONY: Christopher?
-[MUSIC PLAYING]

My God, I-- I hear music!

[TONY SHIVERING]

Could-- could I have
that Blankey now?

Come-- Kathleen, it's 10:33.
Please pick up the phone,

'cause it's really hard
to grovel to a machine,

but I'll try.

Please--

[PHONE CLANKING]

-Hi, Angela.
-[ANGELA CHUCKLING]

Oh. You and Kathleen
have a nice evening?

-Oh, fabulous.
-Good.

You know, a quiet evening
at home, little--

a little vino, a little pasta,
a little Sinatra.

[CLICKS TONGUE]
Oh, did he drop by?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

-And, uh, and you?
-Oh, Tony,

I had
the most entertaining evening

of my life.
I never laughed so hard.

Yeah? What-- what was so funny?

You.

-Y-- y-- you saw me?
-Yes.

Every humiliating moment,

and you thought
you could handle this.

All right, so, I'm--

I'm not the sophisticate
I appear to be.

I mean, hey, it's-- it's tough
to be detached

after all we've been through,
even though,

we haven't been through it.

Look... you're dating someone.

I'm dating someone.
Anything can happen.

Mm, so, uh, I guess that means
you're going to Athens, huh?

No.

I don't feel
I know him well enough.

-Oh! Well--
-That's not really the point.

You showed a marked lack
of maturity tonight.

I know. I know.

Cary Grant wouldn't have
a problem with this.

[CHUCKLING] I know. I know.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Hold on.

It's Kathleen.
The nightmare continues.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Hi. Hi, snookums. [CHUCKLES]

Ye-- I-- I know. I know.

TONY: Who's the Boss
will be back in a moment.

Stick around.

Oh, my gosh! It's Christopher!

He's been indicted on 26 counts
of conspiracy and fraud!

I knew it. I knew that guy
was too good to be true!

-What else does it say?
-Oh, a lot.

-It's even got a picture of him.
-A picture?

[WHIMPERS] Oh, thank you, God!
Let me see that.

[♪♪♪]