05x23 - California, Here We Come

[bunniefuu]

If you was in a real fire,

Who would you want to rescue you?

A pretty little young thing...

Little young tendettes?

Or do you want a real fireman to rescue you?

[Men responding enthusiastically]

Why can't you accept the fact

That a woman can do anything a man can do?

'Cause it ain't true!

Now get out of my face, sister soldier!

Get out of my face! Get out of my face!

I'm telling you, this martin guy

Would be perfect for our late-night talk show.

Don't you think he's a little too...street?

No. Street is in now.

Listen, believe me,

I've been a network executive

For almost... Weeks now.

I know what I'm talking about.

But he's so...

Short.

All the big stars are short.

Gary coleman, emmanuel lewis, bart simpson.

I'm telling you, this martin guy

Is gonna be bigger than all of them.

All right, have our people call his people, set up a meeting.

I'm telling you, john,

This martin guy is our man.

Yes, that's right. I'm the man!

He's the man.

Captioning made possible by warner bros.

Whwh

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeawhazzup!♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

Tin ♪♪

[Basketball game plays]

Go on. Get 'em.

Man, why don't they just pass it to rodman?

Rodman? I don't even see him.

He's right there in the corner, tommy,

Kicking the photographer.

Coley cole.

What's happening? What's happening?

What's up, cole? Where you been, man?

The game started an hour ago.

Mmm. Been out doing some heavy thinking.

Well, that accounts for seconds.

Ack ack ack.

Always joking, man. Damn, that's your problem.

Now, what the hell wrong with you, cole?

I don't know, tommy,

But he'd better cuten up on that attitude in my house.

Oh, sh**t. Look, man, I'm sorry, man, all right?

Martin, I've been out walking and thinking at the same time, and...

That ain't easy.

But, uh...

Thinkin' about asking shanise to marry me.

Hey, cole, you had one thought in years,

And that's what you came up with.

Um, cole, cole, come on. You can't be serious, man.

No, no, no, tommy. See, that's the thing, man.

I am serious.

Look, shanise is the best thing that's happened to me, man.

I mean, I like her, moms likes her...

And we are here mentally.

Mmm.

You understand?

If you really love her, right,

And you feel that you can't live without her,

Hell, man, maybe you should just go for it.

Yeah, cole, you know, on the real.

If that's what you wanna do

And you happy, go for it, man.

For real?

Yeah.

Well, that's what I wanted to hear, man.

I'm gonna go ahead and do it.

Now, look, if it don't work out

And neither one of y'all ain't got nothin',

Then you know what they say.

Nothing from nothing leaves what?

Martin, tommy: not a damn thing.

Right, right, right. Ok. All right.

[Telephone rings]

Right?

Yeah, you're right, right.

Hello.

Yeah, this is martin.

Yeah, I'll accept the charges. Who this?

You ain't gotta get smart.

Hey, look, you called my house.

Hell, yeah, I'm interested.

Ok, yeah, yes.

Uh, set it up, ok? Yeah.

Hey, who was that?

That was my lawyer.

Ooh, go ahead there, big time.

Marty mart livin' large.

Uh, where he located?

Uh, san quentin.

The--the-- the brother's on lockdown,

But they say he know a lot about law, you know?

All I gotta do is pay him in cigarettes.

You know what I mean?

Hey, man, what you need an attorney for?

What do you mean, what do I need an attorney for, cole?

He's handling my business, man,

You know, until I get an agent.

Guess what.

What's up?

A major network wants to take my show national.

Nnn! Problem.

Yep, hillbillies ain't gonna be diggin' you down in nashville.

That's national, fool!

You know what, martin?

I'm happy for you, man!

You always wanted this to happen, man. That's cool.

Thank you, tommy.

You know, they're flying out from l.a. To meet with me tomorrow,

And they say they gonna make me just like montel.

Really? Yeah.

They're coming all the way out here from l.a.

To shave your head?

No, stupid. That mean he's gonna be stompin'

With the big dawgs now.

Oh, yeah, tommy. I'll be like a fat man

At an all-you-can-eat buffet.

You know what I mean?

What that mean?

I'm about to blow u-u-u-p-p!

Ba-boom.

Hey, check it. Check it. Check it.

A married man... Gonna need some ins.

You know what I'm talking about?

Why don't you go in there and hire me to be your sidekick?

Well, that's not a bad idea, cole,

'Cause you're already damn good

At chillin' on my couch.

No. No fluorescent lights.

This is a marketing firm, not the d.m.v.

Let's just go with natural lighting, ok? Thanks.

Surprise!

Aah! Ha ha ha ha!

Pam!

Pam, what are you doing in l.a.?

Well, the record company flew me out here

To look for the next whitney,

So you know I had to come see my girl.

I miss you.

I miss you. I miss everybody.

I miss martin.

Oh, I can't wait to see martin.

I couldn't wait to get away from him. Ugh!

Whatever. So, pam...

So this job sounds like it's incredible.

Girl, it is. It's the b*mb.

You know what the best part about it is?

I don't have to take orders

From mr. Whitaker anymore.

Uh, gina, I've just--oh.

Uh, pam.

Damn. Um...

Did you get that pink slip I left you?

Yes, I did, mr. Whitaker,

And you didn't have to tack it to the front door of my apartment.

I worked for you for years.

You could at least told me to my face, man.

Well, I just thought I'd be easier on both of us, you know?

Yeah, right. But that's ok. That's ok.

Getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to me,

'Cause I work for keep it real records now.

Oh, that's great, pam.

Now I don't have to pay you that unemployment insurance.

Nice outfit.

That cheap-- you know what, gina?

You better watch your back,

'Cause mr. Whitaker is laying off people left and right, girl.

I am not worried about him.

Mr. Whitaker needs me.

No, he doesn't!

[Sobbing]

Oh, pam.

He's just letting me set this office up.

Then he's gonna let me go.

Pam, I heard he's planning on closing the detroit office.

Well, what are you gonna do, g.?

I don't know.

I guess martin's gonna have to pay all the bills.

Y'all straight, then, you know?

Y'all been straight.

I hear leprechauns come with a pot of gold.

That was funny!

What about my plight and the things I'm going through?

Hey, martin, what's taking you so long, man?

We gotta get ready for that meeting.

Martin: I can't decide what to wear.

Honey, shouldn't he wear some clothes?

Mmm. Good call.

I'm gonna have to agree with her on that one, man.

Bosses don't like it when you show up butt-naked and ashy.

Trust me on this.

Thanks for sharing.

Come on out here, man! We'll help you decide!

So what do you think?

Whoooo-whoo!

Yes. Yes.

Yes, that suit is the bazoom, boy.

Oh, oh, oh.

And the pants is laying, oh, so right.

Looky there, looky there.

That's right.

Oh, boy, don't get me started on the shoes.

I hate it.

I hate it, too.

Ohh. So you was just soupin' me up?

Hey, that's what a good sidekick's supposed to do.

Man.

In other words, you just kissin' a*s.

Basically.

Yo, man, I guess this johnny carson look

Ain't workin' for me, huh?

Don't work for johnny neither.

Ok, this is what you need, man.

You need an outfit that says,

"You need me more than I need you."

Clothes can talk?

Well, how come you never say anything to me?

Cole, if you having any second thoughts,

They should be kickin' in right about now.

Oh...

Look, I'll help you pick out your clothes

From the same place I get mine.

Cool. So I guess we goin' shoppin'

At the big and bald store.

That's big and tall, martin.

That's what I said, james earl dome.

Now let's roll, man.

All right, man. I'll holler.

You look good.

Stop kissing butt.

Gina, we've got to talk.

Uh, yes--yes, sir.

Uh...

Of course, sir.

Would you just have a seat?

Ok. Thank you.

Have a seat. Have a seat.

Gina, our market surveys have come in,

And the news is not good.

Surveys?! I mean, what do they know?

They don't show us the people's hearts,

Their commitment, their dedication.

Well, they tell me that I've gotta let some of my people go.

So...

It's true? You're closing the detroit office,

And everyone there is out of a job?

That's right. That's what I want to talk to you about.

Oh, mr. Whitaker, this is really cold.

After everything that I've done for this company,

What are you gonna do?

You're gonna leave a pink slip on my door, too?

No. I just did that 'cause I'm scared of pam.

But you've done such a great job

Setting up our l.a. Office,

We were hoping you'd stay and run it.

Let me get this straight. You're not laying me off.

Not if I can help it.

How does senior vice president sound to you?

Like music to my ears!

Oh, mr. Whitaker! This is like a dream come true--oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, my god. Senior vice president.

Oh, mr.--Oh, hold it. Wait a minute. Rewind.

Um, did you say stay here in l.a.?

That's right.

But I live in detroit.

Then you'd have to move.

Otherwise you'll have one hell of a commute.

No, mr. Whitaker. You don't understand.

My whole life is in detroit.

No, I understand.

You'll probably want to talk it over with marvin.

That's martin.

Oh, whatever, whatever.

Look, when you and marlon

Get through talking this thing over,

Get back with me as soon as you can.

I will. And, mr. Whitaker,

Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thanks.

Martin, martin, baby.

Ohh.

Yo, g., Is everything cool?

I just saw mr. Whitaker leaving here.

He threw you under the bus, didn't he?

Did he close the detroit office?

See? That no-good, bald-headed, gray-beard,

Needin'-rogaine son of a--

Pam!

What? What? Did I leave something out?

No, pam.

Mr. Whitaker...

Promoted me to senior vice president.

What?!

Yes!

Yes!

That's wonderful.

Oh, but there's just one catch, though, pam.

What's that?

He wants me to move to l.a.

Oh.

Oh, god, pam, what am I gonna do

If martin doesn't want to move?

I get offered the job of a lifetime, I can't even take it.

What? Wait a minute. What do you mean, you can't take it?

Girl, you better go for yours. What's stopping you?

How can I take a job in l.a.

When my husband lives in detroit?

Like I say, what's stopping you?

Pam.

All right, all right.

But, gina, there's gotta be a way

That we can squash this east coast/ west coast thing.

If martin doesn't go for it...

Peace.

Shut up, pam.

Look, I just gotta convince him

That moving to l.a. Is the best thing for both of us.

Ay. Da-da-da-da-da.

You might want to do that in person.

Girl, this might be the hardest sell of your life.

Yeah. You're right.

Hey, how about this? I'm flying back today.

Why don't you just come with me?

That's a great idea.

I'll start making arrangements.

And while you're doing it,

You might want to pick up a little something-something

From tricktoria's secrets.

Yeah, so that when you're in the height of passion with martin,

All you gotta do is scream out,

"We're moving to l.a.!"

At that point, he'll say yes to anything.

Ok, martin, look, when the network execs get here,

Let me act as your manager,

And because we're boys, I'll just charge you %.

Cool.

[Knock on door]

Ok, now, remember, man,

Let me do all the talking.

If they sense that you're too eager,

They'll walk all over you.

sh**t, tommy, for a national show,

They could run, jump,

Hell, they can even stomp on me, man.

Gentlemen, how are you? Come on in.

Hi. Nice to meet you. Tommy.

Martin payne, it is a pleasure to meet you in person.

Ahem. Ahem. Ahem.

Hey, fellas. Hi. Won't you have a seat?

Thank you. Thank you.

We are big fans of your show.

Hugefans.

When we saw your tape,

We knew that you had the right kind of...

Raw energy we want for our new talk show.

Well, uh, you know how I do.

Well, look, I'm martin's manager.

I'm tommy strong of thomas strong and associates.

Well, we are gonna make your client

The hottest thing on late-night since arsenio.

Maybe you will, maybe you won't.

You're gonna have to show us the money.

Ok.

Well, how does, uh...

This figure grab you?

[Chuckling]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Damn. Y'all almost as funny as martin.

Where's your real offer?

Are you out of your mind, donald chump?

Martin, you're gonna have to trust me, brother.

I know what I'm doing, ok?

Uh, listen. Let me be honest.

We're prepared to make martin a very sweet offer.

With complete creative control

And a state-of-the-art studio right here in detroit.

Hey, I feel that, man. Where do I sign?

h*-h*-h*-hold on.

What about the perks?

Perks?

Mm-hmm. My client has to get to work every day.

I can drive, tommy.

He wants a limo.

All right.

All right?

Is it like that, man?

Man, where do I sign, man?

h*-h*-hold it. I'm not quite done yet.

We also would like to have...

A masseuse, personal assistants,

A hefty signing bonus, and a marching band.

A marching band?

Somebody gotta welcome the brother to work every day.

No, that's it. These demands are outrageous.

That's fine. Then we'll walk.

Right, martin?

Y'all, I ain't never met this man before in my life.

As a matter of fact, snap.

But it's me, tommy.

Go on, git.

I'm trying--

Get on, man!

I don't believe this. Damn!

Changed already.

Listen, y'all, I don't need all that stuff.

All I need to know is, where do I sign?

Now you're talking.

Uh, look, I won't let y'all down.

The show is gonna be the b*mb.

In other words, it's gonna be just great.

Oh.

We think so, too. We think so, too.

Now, listen, I know it's short notice,

But we'd like you to fly out to the coast tomorrow

To meet with our sponsors. Think you can swing that?

Sure, if you're paying for the ticket, yeah.

Oh. Ha ha.

Our private jet will pick you up.

What do you say?

I--i just say...

Whoo-whoo-whoo.

Whoo-whoo-whoo, whoo-whoo.

Cole: why did you give me the big bag?

You a big man.

What'd she say when you told her about the show?

Well, I wanna tell her in person.

Oh, snap. You know what? I forgot my shades.

You know, a brother gotta look cool in l.a.

We gonna take these bags down to the garage,

And we'll meet you down there.

Cool.

All right.

Move, stupid.

Sheneneh: oh, my god!

Martin, is that you?

I need your help!

My wig's on fire!

It's on fire!

Damn, sheneneh, look like nap draft up in there.

No, sheneneh.

You gotta drop and roll.

Ok.

Baby, we're moving to l.a.

Martin, we're moving-- martin!

Baby, I'm home! You here?

Good. Good, good, good, good, good, good, good.

I have to set everything up.

Ok. Ok. Where is it?

Du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du.

Can't go nowhere without my shades.

Yeah.

That's funny.

That's right.

♪ I'm in the money ♪

♪ I'm in the money ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

Martin, is that you?

Oh.

Damn, that jet lag ain't no joke.

[Telephone rings]

Hello.

Hey, whazzup, man?

Yeah, I'm heading down to the limo right now.

What? Are you sure?

Well, look, we can talk about all that when I get there.

All right.

Well, hey, thanks.

Will you stop stepping on my heels? Stop, cole.

Walk, man.

Hey, man, what's taking you so long?

I had to help sheneneh put her hair out...

And, uh...

Then I got a call from the network execs.

Yeah? Everything all right?

There's been a change.

Well, they're still gonna do the show, right?

Oh, no doubt. You know what I mean?

No doubt they're gonna do the show,

But in order for me to do the show...

Brother gotta move to l.a.

You-you're really gonna move to l.a.?

I ain't got no choice, man.

Oh, my. Damn.

I'm happy for you. You always wanted to do this, man.

That's right. That's right.

Well, you know, they're fly--[clears throat]

Excuse me. [Coughing]

I'm happy for you, dawg. You always wanted to do this.

Well, hey, thank you, tommy.

You know, they're flying in from l.a.

Uh, they wanna meet with me tomorrow.

This is what they're telling me,

And, uh--[clears throat]

They're--they're--they're--

I'm so happy 'cause they say they--

I don't know, man.

Well, they're flying tomorrow...

We with you, dawg.

I doubt it.