05x22 - One Flew Over the Hoochie's Nest

[bunniefuu]

Shanise, I really appreciate you coming over

And helping me plan my party tonight.

Oh, no problem.

Hey, you know, I just planned a party

For my aunt alice's funeral.

It was so much fun.

Oh, oh, and the magician was the b*mb.

Shanise, why would you have a magician at a funeral?

Because everyone was so sad.

But when he sawed uncle mark in half,

People forgot all about aunt alice.

Great. Anyway, uh, about my party,

I'm trying to find a theme for it.

Ooh, how about the theme from star wars?

Oh, no, no, no. The theme from shaft.

♪ Da da dum da da dum ♪

♪ Da da dum dum ♪

♪ Who's the cat who won't cop out ♪

♪ When there's danger all about? ♪

♪ Shaft! ♪

♪ Can you dig it? ♪

Like that, right?

Captwhwhng made possible by warner bros.

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeawhazzup!♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

Tin ♪♪

Mm-hmm. That's how it is.

That's how it's gonna be.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh-huh. Taste that, baby.

Put your lips on that.

What you...what--what-- what's the matter?

What you think?

Ohh. I think it needs some more sugar.

Ah, yeah, we're gonna party tonight, dawg!

Hey, tommy, man, I can't wait

Till martin get here with that food, man.

Brother starvin' like marvin.

Yeah, well, that's too bad

'Cause that's food for the party tonight.

Cole, who's marvin?

Uh, he was this dude that was hungry...

Damn, pam.

I can't believe how far I had to park away from your doghouse.

I'm surprised you managed to get out of the car seat

All by yourself.

Look, where do you want me to put these wings--

In the fridge, next to the kennel ration?

Just put them over there, tickle me ear-mo.

Yo, pam, I think it's really great

That you having a little party

To celebrate your new gig down at that record company.

I did the same thing when I got my new job.

Tommy, i--i don't remember you having no party.

And I damn sure don't remember you having no job, tommy.

[Stammers]

We got to roll, pam.

Oh, yeah. I still have to figure out what I'm gonna wear.

It's just a party, shanise.

No, honey. I mean for work tomorrow.

Ok. We'll see y'all a little later, all right?

You get on out, too.

Hey, look... Get out.

I'm gone. Get out.

You know, it ain't like that, but, look,

One more thing before I go.

You might want to open up a window.

How come?

Because it smells

Like lion country safari up in here.

You know what I mean?

Hu-mmin'.

[High-pitched] hyang!

Aah!

Get out of here, boy. Stupid.

I keep telling you elvis ain't dead.

The aliens-- the aliens got him.

And--and now he's burning up the charts on krypton.

Yup, yup, yup. Yup.

Oh, really, tammy?

Mm-hmm.

They got jimi hendrix, too.

[Watch beeping]

Is that bruce lee paging me?

Would you please tell him

I don't want to be in a relationship right now?

I'm seeing denzel.

You know what that means, tammy.

It's time to take your medication.

No. No, nurse froyd.

I don't want any more medication.

I'll never take any more medication

Because I don't have to. I--hey!

Oh! My god!

Uhh!

You--[stammers]

Uhh!

Uhh!

Give me that.

And now I'm gonna see my cousin pam.

All aboard!

Choo-choo-choo-choo, choo-choo-choo-choo,

Choo-choo-choo-choo, choo-choo-choo-choo.

♪ La da dee ♪

♪ La da da ♪

♪ La da da ♪

[Knock on door]

Pam: it's open, shanise.

Did you bring that new keith sweat cd?

[Whispering] back up!

Pam?

Tammy?

It's--it's me, cousin pam.

Ooh.

This is a nice apartment.

Girl, I have not seen you in ages.

What have you been up to?

Oh, I've been in krypton--uh...

Paris for the-- for the past few years

Doing, uh, that-- that modeling thing.

Well, you sure got the face for it with your fine self.

Thank you.

Nice coat. Did you get that in paris?

Oh, this? Um, no.

I just, um, did a little window-shopping

On my way over here.

You know what? Your timing is perfect

'Cause I'm having a party tonight.

Now that I remember, girl,

You used to lose your mind on the dance floor.

Well, you swing from one chandelier,

And they never let you forget it.

Well, you just make yourself at home.

I'm gonna finish my makeup.

Sit! Stay!

So, um...

What's the party for?

Pam: I just got a new job at a record company.

Who are these people in the picture with you?

Pam: those are my friends.

The one with the big head is my girl gina,

And the one with the big ears is her husband martin.

Who's the tall, bald brother?

That's tommy.

Oh, yeah, cole is the short, thick one.

Nice hat.

They're coming. They coming!

Get down! Get down!

Get down!

Can I get you anything?

Uh, no.

Uh, i--i need a drink.

Is this the kitchen?

Yeah. Help yourself.

[Knock on door]

What the hell is wrong with her?

Phew. Whoa. Slow down.

Can I help you?

As a matter of fact, you can.

You can come along with us without giving us any trouble.

Who the hell are you, bro?

You're the one that called us half hour ago.

You said to come and get you.

What are you talking about, baldy?

I didn't call anybody.

Oh, come on, now, tammy.

You escaped from the mental hospital.

Now we're taking you back. Come on.

Wait a minute. Hold up. Wait a minute.

You mean to tell me tammy's been in a mental hospital?

Y'all got it all wrong.

See, first of all, I'm not tammy. I'm her cousin pam.

Right, and I'm cousin it.

I'm your uncle fester.

You can change your hair, but you can't fool us.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait.

Hold up. Hold up.

I said tammy is in the kitchen.

Sure she is. I bet she's tap-dancing with sammy davis jr.

Come on, tammy. Let's go.

Wait a minute! Go where?

She's in the kitchen!

Y'all got the wrong girl!

Tammy! I said, tammy!

Pam: get off me!

You got your hand on my leg!

Oh, yeah.

I can't wait to get my party on.

Get off of me! I'm sorry.

All right, I was getting ready for my party, right?

And then my cousin tammy showed up, right?

And--and then she was telling me

That she was a model and all of this stuff.

And then she went to get a drink, right?

And then, um...

I'm telling y'all my name is pamela james,

And I live in herbie hancock park,

And I was framed

By my cousin tammy!

This multiple personality thing is new.

Yeah, she worse now than before she escaped.

Escaped? What--

[Watch beeping] oh, it's that time again.

Time for what, lady?

It's time for your shot.

I don't need no shot!

Oh, damn!

Ouch!

Ouch!

[Music plays]

Dang, this party's off the hook.

Uh, what's up with pam on the dance floor?

Hey, yo, pam, what youse doin' out there?

The wackarena?

Hey, how's about showing big tom a few of those moves, baby?

Hold on, hold on.

Um...sorry, baldy,

But word on, uh, krypton is, uh...

You ain't got no job.

What?

And besides...

I like my men, uh, short, fine,

And employed.

Like him.

'Scuse me.

You pushin'...

How about this dance...

Denzel?

Pam, you must be out your damn mind.

You know damn well I don't dance with no kangaroos.

No, no. No.

Don't be sweatin' him, sugarfoot.

You dance with bowlegged lou.

Tommy? Huh?

What's wrong, man?

I don't know, man. Pam buggin'.

She act like she don't even know me.

But, tommy, that's what you get

For messing around with nature, man.

I told you, look, god created adam and eve, not adam and weave, man.

Man, get out of here with all that.

No, no, no, martin. I'm gonna have to agree with tommy on this one.

Pam is definitely trippin'.

I think so, too.

I mean, martin doesn't look anything like denzel.

You know what? I can't lie.

In all the years I've known pam,

This is the first time her breath wasn't hummin'

Like bad chitlins.

[Telephone rings]

Wild kingdom.

Martin, martin, is that you?

Yeah. Who's this?

It's pam.

Pam? Hold up.

How can I be talking to quasimodo

And looking at quasimodo at the same time?

No, martin, that's my crazy cousin tammy.

She just escaped from cybill sinai hospital and set me up!

Now she's partying at my house, and...

I'mstuck in the nut house!

Well, lady, it sounds like you in the right place.

Shut it up, o.j. Shrimpson.

Now is not the time.

Now put those plungers you call ears to the phone

And listen up!

Damn, it's really you, pam.

Of course it's me! But if you don't get me out of here...

They gonna give me a lobotomy.

La bamba? Yo, that one's my jam.

♪ La la la la la bamba ♪

♪ La la la la la-- ♪

No, not la bamba!

They about to take out my brain, fool!

Oh, well, I ain't got a problem with that.

Oh, come on, martin. Stop playin'. I need your help.

You all I got.

Oh, snap. Oh, snap. Here come the nurse!

Pam's in trouble, man.

You ain't lyin'. That bunny-hop played out years ago.

Nah, nah, that ain't pam, man. That's her cousin tammy.

Tammy? Well, where's pam?

She just called and said she was on lockdown at cybill sinai.

Oh, ok, ok, ok, now this is making sense to me.

Pam told me she has a cousin who looks exactly like her.

She said she was eccentric.

Eccentric? In the hood, that means you're crazy.

Martin: shh shh. Here she comes.

So, uh... You still gonna give me that dance, denzel?

First of all, I ain't denzel...

And you ain't pam, tammy.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

I'm not goin' back.

You can't make me go back!

Beam me up, scotty!

Tommy, man, look, grab her, man.

Hell no, I ain't grabbing her. You grab her.

Cole, grab her.

Man, please. Crazy people know how to fight.

Shanise, handle that.

Go ahead, shanise. You can do it.

Hello? Scotty? Let me see.

Scotty? Scotty?

Captain kirk. Captain kirk.

It's my turn. Captain kirk?

Oh, he's not answering.

It must be broken.

You broke it!

She broke my terminator!

Ohh!

Ow!

Gotta be one to beam up, scotty.

Scotty? Scotty!

And you actually expect me to believe that story?

Hell, yeah!

I'm telling you the patient back there

Is pam, not tammy.

In that case, where is tammy?

Well, she was back at--at the house,

Uh, slow-dancing with bowlegged lou, then she rolled out.

Who is bowlegged lou?

How am I supposed to know, lady? It's not my party.

If you can't prove your allegations,

Then there's nothing I can do about it.

Ok, ok, ma'am. Look, can we at least talk to her?

Sure you could, if you were a family member

Or a doctor,

But you're not,

So ya can't.

Well, all right. You don't have to get an attitude.

[Cartoon music playing on television]

Look out, jerry! Look out! Ha ha!

Oh h*. Ooh.

Hey, man, this hospital's the b*mb, yo.

We could watch tv all day,

And I can eat all the ice cream I want.

Everyone here is so nice, martin.

I mean, we just met them--

They're just like our family.

Why ain't I surprised?

I don't know.

You know what, martin?

We can't let pam go out like this, man.

Yeah, tommy, I know that, but what--

You know what, tommy?

What?

I got an idea. Just flow with me.

All right. Ok?

Uh, excuse me, nurse.

I'm here to examine the patient.

Sure.

Yeah.

Ok, which one?

Uh...tammy, the one with the fake hair,

Foul breath, and--and funky attitude.

That would be her?

Yeah. Yeah.

I've never seen you on my shift.

No?

You must be a new resident.

Yeah, yeah. [Stammers]

I'm new in the neighborhood.

Hi, I'm dr. J.

Dr.j?

Yeah. How you doing?

I think I've heard of you.

I'm nurse young.

Hello, nurse young.

I'll go get the patient.

All right.

I'll go get the patient.

You know, cole,

Pam didn't tell us abraham lincoln lived here.

Pam don't know. She don't know.

Oh, look. Sesame street'son!

Oh, snap.

It's my favorite.

Hey, yo, was big bird a boy or a girl?

Please, nurse, no more medication.

It's ok.

Here she is, doctor.

We had to restrain her after she just took out an orderly.

Hey.

I never thought I'd be so happy

To see the smallest man in the world!

Yeah, well, that's funny coming from the ugliest woman in the world.

Why do you got to start with me?

Here's the chart.

Where would you like to do the examination?

Examination?

Now, doc, why don't we use the stethoscope, dr. J?

Oh, yeah, yeah, right.

Ok, patient, hold on as the doctor tries to get you out of here.

Shut your mouth.

Not unless the doctor wants to lose his hand!

Boy, are you crazy?

Will you stop it?

Doctor, shall I call the orderly?

No, no, no. That's not necessary.

What we need to do is move her to a more secure facility.

Or a game reserve. You got one around here?

Can't y'all just get me out of here?

Here--here we go.

Come on, let's go.

We're just about to get out of here.

Uh, look here, dumb and dumber,

Tell forrest gump and them we gots to roll.

Let's be out.

Come on, baby, we got to get up out of here.

Uh, my people, , , ...

All: ooh ooh ooh! Aah aah aah!

[Imitating elvis] thank you very much.

Just get me out of this, martin.

Shh shh shh.

[Whistling]

[Whispering] go, go, go.

[Blows whistle]

Hold it!

They're not doctors.

They're trying to bust tammy out of here.

Lock 'em up.

All right, you know what?

I hope y'all got emergency rooms

'Cause if y'all try to stop us, we're taking you out.

[Ring]

[Ring]

Hello?

Tammy!

I don't like it out here.

Everybody I talk to says elvis is dead.

They're all crazy.

Hold on, tammy. Tell nurse young where you are,

And we'll come and get you.

'K.

Guess there's been

A bit of a misunderstanding here.

It's ok. It's fine. Things like this happen.

I just hope you don't misunderstand

What I'm gonna do to you when I get out of this jacket.

Tommy: ok, ok, ok.

You don't know what she put me through!

I know. Just calm down. This is almost over, ok?

Just relax, all right? Here, let me help you.

Martin, you know what? I'm just so happy--

You really looked out for a sister.

Yeah, yeah, well, it ain't no big thing.

It ain't the first time I saved you from a dogcatcher.

I'm so tired.

Ohh! Man!

What the hell?

Who messed up my apartment?

sh**t, look like somebody threw down up in here.

Ugh. No, looks more like somebody threw up up in here.

Oh, tommy, tommy, slowly my nerves are going.

Ok.

My nerves are shot, tommy.

All right, pam, don't worry.

We're gonna help you clean up, all right?

Uh-huh. I'm gonna help you as long as I can,

But a brother gettin' sleepy.

Cole, you been drinkin'?

Nah, man. I don't drink.

Nurse froyd gave me a shot in the a*s.

Brother feelin' lovely!

Ok, ok, I tell you what.

Why don't you guys go in the kitchen and wash the dishes, ok?

Good idea.

Can you wash dishes?

Come on, baby. What? What?

Let's go wash the dishes.

You don't wanna wash dishes.

I know what you wanna do. Ha ha!

Bunch of heathens up in here.

I got stuff on my couch.

[Shattering]

Yuck.

[Snoring]

Tommy, um, I'm just gonna get out of these hospital clothes.

Ok. All right. I'll be in here.

Yeah, startin' up in here.

[Tommy muttering]

Hi.

Hey.

Hey, how'd you get dressed so quick?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, pam.

How come you put on your party clothes to clean up?

Clean up? Mm-mmm. The party ain't over.

What?

[Music playing]

Come on! Let's get our boogie on!

What are you talking-- hey, hey, hey. Ooh, pam--

Pam--pam, what are you-- ouch! Ow!

P-pam, what are you do-- hey, uh, pam--

No, no, no, no.

Tommy, why do you have the music so loud?

Tammy!

Oh, my damn.

Y'all look like bookends.

Wait.

Tam-tammy?

No, I'm pam.

No, I'mpam.

No, I'mpam.

Ok, ok, guys. I don't know now. Y'all look identical.

Not for long.

I'm sorry. I just wanted to have a little fun, that's all.

I think I'll go to the hospital now.

Oh, you're going back to the hospital,

But you going in an ambulance.

Ok, ok, pam.

First of all, I ain't denzel,

And you ain't tammy, pam.

Am I pam, or am I tammy?

You're not--

You're not tammy, pam.

No.

You're not pam, tammy!

You ain't pam, tammy!

Damn it. You ain't pam, tammy.

'Cause it smells like country lion safari--

It's lion country safari up in here.

[High-pitched] brr-brr!