05x19 - Daddy Dearest

[bunniefuu]

So, what you want to talk about, nip?

Oh, man. I'm losing customers to the sugar shack.

Yeah?

What you gonna do about it?

Plan a new menu, put in some new games, upgrade the rest rooms.

Yeah. Yeah. True that, true that, you know what I mean?

Upgrade the rest rooms, man.

Put a fan up in there, a ceiling fan, stick-up, or something up there.

Exactly. See, martin?

That's why I called you down here, man. I need your help.

All right. Well, you're my road dog. Anything. What's happening?

Well, uh, I need grand.

Ok, well, uh... Good luck getting it.

Come on, martin, I thought you was my road dog.

Look, I am your road dog, but that's a lot of chips, nip.

When do you need it by?

Yesterday. They started work today.

Well, what's in it for me?

What you want?

I'll tell you what.

I want a piece of the rock, ok?

Make me a silent partner.

How silent are we talking?

You won't even know I'm here.

Captwhwhng made possible by warner bros.

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeawhazzup!♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

Tin ♪♪

Ok, let me get this straight.

You, uh, you a silent partner.

So that means you holler at nipsey

In sign language.

Here we go.

No. No, cole.

What it means

Is that I'm going to be in the background.

Now, check it out. The first thing I'm going to do:

Change the name from nipsey's to marty-mar's.

What do you think?

I like nipsey's better.

Man, who asked you, cole?

You did. You just said to me--

Man, look, where is tommy anyway?

I thought he was coming by with his pops.

[Coughs]

Tommy's pops is in town? Peace. I'm out.

What? Wait.

I know you ain't afraid of tommy's father, man.

Oh, yes, I am, man.

Last time I seen him, man, he hollered at me for having my natural too long

And he made me pee on myself. Excuse me.

It ain't like that no more, cole. Things have changed, man.

For real? Whatever, man.

Man: ten-hut!

Eyes front! Shoulders back! Chest out!

Oh, man!

I didn't say "at ease," soldier.

Lock your body like I taught you!

Why are you shaking, cole?

Are you a little girl?!

Yes, I am. I'm a little girl.

I mean, no, sir, I'm not a little girl.

Then suck it up and zip it up!

[Panting]

Yes, sir.

Excuse me, sir.

H-hey, tommy, man, you're going to have to tell your pop

Don't be coming up here hollering like that, man.

You're going to have to bring that down, pop, now.

Oh, you feeling a little froggy, huh?

Well, come on, you grunt, leap!

Uh, pop, pop, pop, come on, now.

T-t-t-tell him, tommy. He don't want none of this, all right?

You know, call your father off. Tell him, man.

Ha ha ha ha. Martin, still crazy as ever, huh?

You still got more guts than you got height.

Ha ha ha ha.

The height? You know--you know my pops, martin.

He's still got that crazy sense of humor.

Ha! Does he, now?

Well, he's crazy, all right. Ha ha ha ha.

Good to see you again, martin.

How you doing? Say, it's good to see you.

'Cause I'll tell you, when you, uh--

My hand.

All right!

[Mumbling]

Oh, come on.

Be a rock for me!

Whoo-rah!

Eeee!

Come on, come on, come on, pops.

You're going to break the man's hand.

What is wrong with you, man?

I thought all y'all would be a lot more tougher than this by now.

I'm twice your age

And still more man than all of y'all put together.

Come on, show me what you got!

Tommy, you know what?

It's time to get rambo up out of here.

Ok. Ok, I'll handle it.

Hey, pop, pop, pop, look,

I know you're tired from your long, you know, flight from bosnia.

Look, dad, you got to remember, man,

It's peacetime over here, all right?

Come on, let's go get you in your hotel.

Ah, you young bloods don't know how to have any fun at all.

No fun.

Shape up!

Ok, ok, pop, let's--let's go.

Whew!

Man.

Damn.

Martin...

He got you, too, huh?

If, uh, tommy's pops is going to be here all week,

I'm going to have to go ahead and get me some huggies, man.

[Knock on door]

Hey, pop.

You are late, mister.

You promised me you'd meet me here at hours.

Dad, I'm only minutes late.

S*ddam got away because we were only minutes late.

Yo, look, dad, I want you to meet pam.

Hi. Pam, come on, this is my pop.

Oh, so this is the pretty young thing I've heard so much about.

Nice to meet you, sergeant strawn.

My pleasure. Please come in.

Oh, stop.

What the hell is all this?

Pretty good, huh?

It only took me minutes to set up camp.

sh**t. I wish I had known that.

I'd have saved me some money and found him a spot in my backyard.

Look at this.

So, pam's your girl, huh, son?

Um, you know, pop, I haven't got a chance to write you in a while. She--

She dumped you, didn't she?

She dumped me.

But we're still friends.

That's too bad.

See, if you'd joined the corps like I told you to,

You'd know how to keep a woman like that happy.

Can--can we have dinner? Can we, huh?

Hey, what's this funny little thing?

That funny little thing happens to be a claymore land mine.

It has a k*lling radius of feet.

If I were you, I wouldn't move.

Uhh!

Hey, you ok?

Um...uh, I think I'm going to freshen up a bit

Before we go to dinner.

What the hell's he doing with that?

Relax. It's all under control.

Dad, what the hell are you doing with a land mine in here?

Always expect the unexpected.

Ok, look--look, dad, tell you what, man,

When we get over to nipsey's,

You got to chill with those embarrassing stories, ok?

And, man, you can't have folks lined up

Doing squat thrust in formation.

There's nothing wrong with being in top physical condition.

Oh, man.

Ok, are you gentlemen ready?

Lady, I was born ready. I'm a marine.

Especially ready to escort a beautiful young thing like you.

Pam: ha ha ha ha.

Did tommy ever tell you about the time

I had to suck a marble out of his nose with a vacuum cleaner?

Thank god for hoovers. This thing was so stuck--

Please don't tell her about the--

[Music plays]

What's happening, man?

Look here, man, I made a few changes.

Yeah. Changes?

What kind of changes did you make?

Well, let's just say it's going to fatten your wallet

Instead of your gut.

Ha ha ha.

All right. Well, all right.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it. Radar, hold on.

What you got there?

Oh, it's the meaty burger supreme.

Well, if diana ain't here, it ain't that supreme, man.

Ok, here, take that.

Ok.

Ok, fine.

Martin, martin, martin, martin!

Yeah, whazzup? Whazzup?

Red alert, man. Uh, big happy dude at table ,

He wants some more nuts, but he only had one drink.

What?

That's right.

[Whistling]

Here, tell him to put these nuts in his mouth.

He'll be thirstier than a mug.

Ok, yeah.

So there I was in the bush,

My entire company had been taken out.

I was surrounded by charlie.

So I just whipped out my bayonet

And started slicing and dicing.

Mmm.

Pop, pop, come on, man.

We're about to eat. Shh.

Mmm, doesn't matter, tommy.

I think I just lost my appetite.

Tommy! Ha ha ha!

What's up, cole?

Tommy! Tommy--

I declare, that boy acts like he's been sniffing napalm.

Hey, big tommy.

Nip, how are--hey, let me introduce my pop.

This is sergeant hamilton strawn.

Pop, this is nipsey. He owns the place.

How you doing, mr. Strawn?

Nice place.

Thank you, sir.

I got to ask you something, son.

Have you ever done a push-up in your entire life?

No. No, uh, but I ate a g*ng of 'em.

Those things are the b*mb.

All right, nip.

Pop, how could you say that to that man?

Oh, watch your mouth, tommy.

You ain't but a ham sandwich away from looking like that yourself.

Man, I'm in good shape. Tell him, pam.

Hey, I don't know about him, but I did my workout.

You know what, I think my appetite is coming back.

I'm ready to get my grub on now.

Yeah, me, too. It's chow time.

Who wants rocks and beef?

Pop, what are you doing?

Will you put the c-rations away? This is a restaurant.

Yeah, I know that. But I've seen the food they're serving.

If I can't identify it, I ain't eating it.

Oh, god! I--i need-- I need a drink.

Uh, me, too. Could you get me a white wine spritzer?

Sure, sweetie. Pop, what are you having?

I'll get it for you. This one's on me.

No, man, I said I'd take care of it.

Look, son, I'm the senior officer here.

Plus the word around the barracks is you ain't got no job.

I do too have a job.

Give me a big ol' bottle of whiskey and a white wine spritzer.

I'll have a, uh, virgin piña colada, please.

A virgin what?

No, you're going to have the same thing I'm drinking.

I'm going to make a man out of you if it kills me.

Hey.

Hi.

How you doing?

I'm good.

You know, heaven must be missing an angel,

'Cause I'm looking at one right now.

I'm tommy.

I'm ladina.

Nice to meet you, ladina. Can I buy you a drink?

Um, I'm still working on this one. So, maybe later.

Promise?

We'll see, ok?

We'll see. Yeah, ladina.

Oh, ladina. Ha ha.

Boy, that was pitiful. Pitiful.

What are you talking about?

Well, if that's the most firepower you can muster up,

You'd better call for reinforcements.

Ok, whoa, whoa, whoa, pop.

When it comes to the ladies, I don't need your advice, ok?

Oh, yeah? Is that why you and pam over there are still just friends?

Trust me, pop, I handles mine.

Not like mine.

See, I'm still smooth as silk.

How do you think you got here?

Ha! Well, that was a long time ago, pop.

I mean, you try some of that smoothstuff now,

You may hurt yourself, old man. Ha ha ha.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I bet you that I'll be locking lips

With that pretty young thing over there before you will.

Come on, bet me.

No, I ain't betting you, man.

I ain't competing over no woman.

Yo, tommy.

Tommy: huh?

I'm talking to my pops, man.

Ok. All right.

Come here for a minute.

I'll be right back.

Well, what is it, man?

Look here, man,

Your pop's been showing you up

All your life, man.

You gonna let him show you up over a lady?

Well, i--

That's the ladies, man.

Handle your business.

I can't do--

Tommy, go handle your business.

That's disresp--

Handle your business, man.

Right on.

Right on.

Handle it.

Handle it.

All right.

Sergeant strawn...

You on, brother.

We'll see who's locking lips with ladina by midnight.

Bet.

Bet.

Handle my business. Ha ha.

N-no, no...

[Raspy coughing]

So you're stepping up?

Daddy's little boy is finally ready to wear some long pants, huh?

Mmm. Well, first of all,

Daddy's little boy is a grown damn man now.

Secondly...

Let's quit talking and do this.

All right.

But we can't get started yet.

Your friend martin over there is calling for you.

I don't see mart--

I should've seen this one coming.

Listen, I've traveled all over the world,

And I've had a lot of good times,

But I've never seen anybody

Quite as lovely as you.

Thank you. That's very sweet.

So, tell me, what modeling agency are you with?

W-well, I'm not a model.

I'm a nurse.

A nurse?

Yeah.

Well, I just might need you with me on that dance floor

In case I pull something.

Well, I don't know. You look like you're in pretty good shape to me.

[Chuckles]

Anyway, I'm shipping out tomorrow,

And I sure would love to dance with a beautiful woman before I leave.

Oh. Well, I think we can work that out.

All right. Ok.

Cole, what the heck is going on around here?

I mean, the drinks are watered down,

The snacks is whack,

And the potato skins is just skin.

I mean, can't a sister get a bacon bit to suck around here?

Sorry. You going to have to ask martin about that one, sweetheart.

Well, what's he got to do with it?

Ok.

You have to keep this on the down now, right?

Right.

Martin's a silent partner.

Shh.

Little cheapie wonder's about to put nipsey's out of business.

It's getting bad.

Excuse me. Sergeant strawn, there's a phone call for you.

A brother by the name of colin powell.

Colin powell?

Yes, sir.

Where's the phone, private?

This way.

Be right back, beautiful.

Make a hole!

Uh, ladina.

Yes.

Here's that drink I promised you.

Thank you.

Here. Have a seat.

You know what, maybe we could go see a movie...

Oh.

Oh, no, he did not.

A pay toilet?!

Oh, yes, he did.

Nipsey and his new tightwad partner

Won't be ganking me.

I'm going down to the sugar shack

Where a sister can pee for free.

Handle your business.

These locks. Martin's so cheap. This is ridiculous.

My last quarter.

Yoo-hoo.

Excuse--excuse me!

Miss, could you pass me some tissue paper, please?

Pam?

Pam, is that you?

Martin, what the hell are you doing in the ladies' room?

I was gonna ask you the same thing.

You're supposed to use the fire hydrant outside.

You know, you are just so--

Uh-uh.

I have to pay to get out, too?!

Yeah, that's right, seattle slue.

And watch yourself,

'Cause I know you're used to the stalls down at the stable.

You know what?

I can't wait to get out of this cheap-a*s joint!

Oh, yeah? Well, here.

You might need these.

Pam: I'm gonna get out of here

Soon as I get a quarter!

No, I'm serious.

I could take you up in a b- b*mber

And we could parachute down hand in hand.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

Fun? No, no, no, sweetheart.

I got something that's a lot more fun than that.

How would you like to go horseback riding on the beach, huh?

Out in the moonlight?

Ooh. That sounds romantic.

Yeah, it does.

It also sounds dangerous.

Maybe you should take me along just for protection.

No, I can protect her just fine, man!

Why don't we let ladina be the judge of that?

Come on, son, let's see what you've got!

No problem, pop. Any time, any day!

Come on, sarge.

Yeah.

Yes. Very good.

Oh, I don't know, tommy.

I don't think you can beat that.

Mm-mmm.

♪ We're in the money ♪

Way to go, sarge.

Ok. Come on, tommy.

Come on.

Get a bull's-eye. Let's go.

Ladina: oh, my goodness!

Wonderful. That was great.

Come on. Let's go.

Oh!

Yes! Yes.

[Dad chuckling]

[Crowd cheering]

Yes!

Yes!

[Crowd cheering]

Yes!

Who the man?!

Who the man?!

Who the man?!

You the man! Yes!

Yeah.

Hey, pop...

Check this out.

Oh!

Oh!

Pop! Pop, what happened? You ok?

Let me help, tommy. I'm a nurse.

Oh, my god.

I think he's having a problem breathing.

I know c.p.r. It's ok.

Yo, tommy, if your pops is trying to catch a case, it ain't gonna happen.

I canceled the insurance.

That's it, boy.

I told you I'd kiss that woman before you did.

I won again.

Oh, man, I don't believe you, pop.

I don't believe that you would stoop so low

Just to win a bet!

Well, believe it, boy, 'cause I won.

I don't believe this.

This is all just a stupid bet?

Hell, no.

See, I was only trying to be nice to you

Because you said that you were shipping out.

And the only reason I was being nice to you

Was because father time over here

Was wearing your tired behind out.

I think you both need to grow up.

Ladina, I'm sor--come...

Look, pop...

Can we just get along, man, huh?

Why is it that we always have to compete with each other?

Tommy, I've just been trying to make a man out of you, that's all.

Oh, pop, let me tell you something, brother.

I may not be the man that you want me to be,

But I am the man that I want to be!

To me, son, you'll always be that little -year-old boy.

Pop, I ain't been since my th birthday.

Look...

Can we call us a truce?

You got it.

Cease-fire.

All right, pop.

I love you, son.

I love you, too, pop. I love you, too, man.

Oh, man,

Now, that's a beautiful kodak moment.

Yeah. Ain't it?

Who's gonna take care of the tab?

He is. He is.

Now, that's hilarious.

That's a funny little jokey-joke,

But somebody better be digging in their pocket

To take care of this check.

I'll get it, pop.

No.

Thank you.

Thanks, pop

Sir.

Martin, we'll see you a little later, man.

Let's get out of here.

You're pretty strong for an old f...

Speaking of checks, martin,

You can have yours back, man.

Have my check back?

Nipsey: yeah.

What, you don't like the improvements I'm making around?

You about to improve me right out of business.

Oh.

Is it like that?

Trust me, nips,

Your business won't be the same without me.

Trustme.

You know my love for you, man.

Hey, everybody, martin gone! Party time! Come on!

Yeah! Come on in!

[People cheering]

Drinks are on me.

Back to the way it was.

I know you're tired from that long trip from bosnia--

Come back here! I'm talking to you, pop!

You got me!

You said everything with authority, though, boy.

Shape up!

O-ok, pops.

L-let's-- let's--let's--

Drop and give me !

Drop and give me !

Tommy: let's go, pop!

Make him give me !

Tommy: ok. All right, pop.

Sorry.