05x15 - Goin' Overboard pt. 2

[bunniefuu]

See that big-headed woman over there,

She look just like gina.

She does.

Look like gina? That is gina.

What you mean, you can't turn this boat around?

We'll just have mrs. Payne meet you in st. Thomas.

What are you doing?

What am I doing? I'm jumping.

Hey, fellas...

Oh, my god, no.

Ain't she fine, man?

Could you put some more...

Mama in my bahama?

Aah! Aah!

Captwhwhng made possible by warner bros.

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeawhazzup!♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

Tin ♪♪

Hold up, lady. What are you doing?

What's wrong, martin? You said open my eyes.

I said open your eyes, not your robe.

Come on.

But didn't you say

That I was a fine-looking sister?

True that. Hey, i--i--true that.

And didn't you say that I could have any man I wanted?

Uh, i--i said any single man.

Any single man.

Uh, uh, uh...

Lady, I'm married. I love my wife.

Oh, well, if you can't be with the one you love, honey,

You need to love the one you're with.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna love the one I'm with

As soon as I get to st. Thomas, ok?

I see. You're trying to play hard to get.

No, I'm trying hard to get you out of my room.

No disrespect, but this way.

No, no, it's ok. It's all right.

I'll say good-bye for now.

Hold up.

You changed your mind.

Nah, I wanna make sure

The chicken hawk next door don't see you leave.

Excuse--excuse me.

Shh. Ok, ok.

Shh. Ah, right.

Ok.

Happy valentine's day, mr. Payne.

Mind your business, loaf.

It ain't like that.

Whatever you say, mr. Payne.

What the hell are you doin' in my bed?

Stop frontin', girl,

Sugar lips. Heh.

You know what happened last night.

Don't act like...

You don't know what's going on.

Hold up!

Stop!

And rewind!

Let me think. Let me think. Let me think.

Ok, wait. The last thing I remember

We were at the bar... Yup.

And we was chillin'. We were talkin' to isaac

And--and drinking those--those--

Bahama mamas!

Whoo-hoo!

Girl, girl, let me tell you something.

When you get all liquored up...

Oh.

Y-you really let your true feelings out.

Pam, I gotta tell you, you, uh...

Hoo, y-you put it--you put it on me, girl. You...

Just, uh, just--nnnumph.

[Retching]

Oh, g-- hey, hey, hey.

Oh, god. You ok?

I think I'm gonna--

I think I'm gonna throw up.

I know what's the matter.

You want to cuddle.

You j-just want-- coley cole gonna cuddle with you,

And we gonna watch some reruns or somethin' on tv.

I know.

Cole, if you don't get off of me,

The only cuddling you gonna do

Is have my fist right dead smack in the back of your throat!

Get out my room!

You know what, cole?

You better not tell nobody, either.

You better not tell nobody!

It's cool, baby. I understand. sh**t.

Daddy was so good to you,

You wanna keep me all to yourself.

Get out!

Get out!

[Knock on door]

I'll get it.

Tommy: hey, pam, you decent?

Oh, w-w-- cole, what are you--

G--uh, uh, just a minute, tommy.

That's tommy. You gotta hide.

You gotta hide.

Oh, ok.

Just--

[Knocking]

Boy, get--

Get in the bed.

I'll be, uh, just a minute, tommy.

I--i--i'm just primping myself a little bit.

Wait, w-w--

Just get-- just get--get off.

Hey.

Get off.

C-c-c-c-come in.

Hey.

Good morning, pam.

Good morning, tommy.

Girl, you ain't up yet?

W-w-why--why you wanna know?

I-i-i just been ch-ch-chillin'.

I-i'm not with nobody.

I been by myself.

Ok.

So, um, uh, w-w-where you been?

Well,

Brenda and i, we were out on the deck,

And we just...

Talked all night long.

You just talked all night long?

Yeah.

Oh, damn.

You know what?

Baby, you--you really need to treat yourself

To a pedicure, honey.

I--i been meaning to do that.

No, don't be shy. You being shy.

Give me them pretty legs, girl.

Hey, you know what?

While you at it, you need to shave, too.

I've seen less hair on a chia pet.

Stop. Stop.

Hey, wait, wait wait, wait.

Wait a minute.

Huh?

Oh. Oh, oh.

Cole? What the hell is--

It's not what you think.

Pam, I'm thinking you been pushing me away all this time

So that you can be with cole.

I don't believe this.

No, no, no, tommy, no, no, no.

You know what?

This is gonna crack you up.

See, what happened was we were at the bar...

Pam, pam, pam...

Over at, uh--

Pam, pam, sweetheart,

You really don't have to explain, ok?

Guys, I hope you two have a nice life, all right?

But--

Well, thank you for the support, homey.

Thanks a lot.

You--you know you liked it.

You know you liked it.

Hi.

I'm vicki, your new cruise director.

Uh, what happened to julie?

Oh, I replaced her.

She threw her back out doing the macarena.

Sssss. Mmm. Ok, well, look,

Maybe you can help me. I've got a problem.

You've got a problem?

You've got a problem?

Why don't you try growing up on a cruise ship?

I missed my prom,

I never got my driver's license,

And if I even have to look at one more buffet--

Uh, uh, vicki--vicki, chill. Chill, vicki.

It's ok. Take a breath.

Whoo.

N-now, my problem is I need somebody to marry me.

I-i'll do it.

Anything to get off of this ship. Please.

Uh, you kind of cute, though, vicki, but, uh,

No, I need a minister to perform my wedding.

Oh.

Well, in that case, my father can do it.

He's the captain.

Really, w-where can I find him?

♪ I'm bussin' on the next one ♪

♪ Knockin' at the door ♪

♪ No doubt ♪

All right, that--

Aah! What the--

What the hell?

W-what are you doing? W--

Did you like those red roses I sent you?

Yeah, yeah, they--they was lovely,

But--but I didn't need to see

Them naked pictures you sent with 'em.

You--you know, look, I gotta tell you,

The rubber-band man ain't got nothing on you, though.

Oh, martin, I was just trying to show you

What you were missing.

Believe me, I know what I'm missing.

Yeah, yeah, but, uh...

You got to step, ok?

All right...

But if you change your mind--

Which I know that you will--

I'll be in room .

Uh, yeah, you better take that w-with you.

Yeah, and take these with you, too.

Right there.

Wait, wait a minute.

Ooh, whoo whoo whoo!

You know, hate to give that up, you know.

Bye. Bye-bye, now.

Well, speaking as the ship's doctor,

I'd prescribe some loving and plenty of it.

Doc, can I holler at you for a minute?

Darn, more seconds and she would've been mine.

Look, I got this partner on board that has a problem.

He's in this little situation.

Partner, huh?

Yeah.

Ok, what's your partner's problem?

Well, uh, he got this woman followin' him around,

Sweatin' him like a sauna,

Sendin' him naked pictures, uh--uh, all that,

Flowers, all that, doc.

Are you sure your partner didn't lead her on?

Look, all I did was tell her she was fine.

How's that leadin' her on, man?

Look, mr. Payne, let's cut to the chase.

If you don't want this woman...i do.

Like I was saying,

I really, really, really enjoyed last night,

But...

I have to admit

I was holding back.

Look, um, brenda,

There was someone in my life that I was really interested in,

And now it looks like it's over.

Ohh, that explains it.

I thought you were g*y.

g*y?!

No, I ain't g*y!

Ah heh. Hey, guys.

Heh heh heh.

Hell no, I ain't g*y.

I'll prove it to you.

To tell the truth,

I was kind of holding back, too.

You see, there's someone in my life also.

Oh, really?

Who that?

My husband.

Your husband?

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh? What "uh-oh" mean?

Uh-oh what, what, what?

He just walked in.

[Tommy laughs nervously]

Oh, my damn.

What you doing with my wife?!

Er, uh...

[Acting effeminately] see, I'm her beautician.

And her split ends is all--

Crazy woman.

Sending me all these damn flowers.

Look like a funeral up in here.

Man: ow!

Oh.

Damn. My bad, partner.

[Knock on door]

Who's there?

It's loafer, mr. Payne.

Loafer, whazzup?

Get in here.

Just delivering your daily charges, sir.

Daily charges?

All I had was a soda.

Oh, damn.

$, For what, loaf?

The flowers, the jewelry, the clothes.

Oh, and I'd like to personally thank you for the armani suit.

I didn't charge no armani suit.

Your lady friend did.

I ain't got no lady friend, man.

Whatever you say, mr. Payne.

I'm not paying this. I ain't with this woman.

Didn't I see you two drinking at the bar?

Yeah, isaac, but--

And didn't you tell the whole bar that she was fine?

Yeah, but when i--

And don't you have naked pictures of this woman?

All right, man, I kept one, one picture, man.

Mr.--Mr. Payne,

Isn't this the same woman that I saw

Coming out of your stateroom this morning?

Look, man, this woman is buggin'.

She runnin' around sweatin' me, man,

And I ain't paying this damn bill, I'm telling y'all now.

All right, I promise you, we'll look into it.

Well, fine, 'cause if y'all don't look into it,

I'm gonna toss this boat up like the titanic.

Talk to 'em, bro.

Talk to 'em, sister.

Woman: heads up.

What the hell?

Give me back my puck.

Ms. Gerri, what you doin' on this cruise?

Because I'm old, that don't mean I can't rock the boat

And wax your little butt in shuffleboard.

Oh, you calling me out, miss gerritol?

Huh?

Well, it's on.

Let me borrow that, hon.

Martin, martin, I need to--

Oh. See what you made me do, man?

Sorry about that. Look, have you seen the captain?

Nah. Why?

I need him to perform a wedding ceremony.

Cole, I ain't even gonna ask, man.

Ahh, I know.

He's probably in the transporter room with mr. Spock.

Will you stop stallin'?

I got a high roller waiting for me in the casino.

Well, don't--you ain't gotta get no attitude, all right?

Hey, martin-- excuse me--

Martin, come on, man, you gotta help me.

It's a little too late for you to be tryin' to grow hair, man.

This is serious. Check this out, bro.

I met this fine girl up on the top deck, right?

She's married.

Now--now her great big mean-joe-green-looking husband after me!

Oh. Oh, there he is.

Ah, bo--

I'm gonna tell you how like this,

One more person interrupt my game,

And it's on.

Ah heh. Mmm.

And I mean that.

I'm looking for a tall bald brother with glasses.

Have you seen him?

Uh, his name is tommy strong,

He--he ain't got no job,

And he made a left at the--at the-- smokestack.

Thanks, man.

All right.

Right on.

Damn.

You straight sold your boy out.

Eh, whatever, miss gerri.

I'm getting--

I'm getting a little dizzy, a little tired.

Um, I'm--i'm gonna cancel the game,

Get up out of here.

Y'all be cool.

Uh, y-you mean to tell me

You gonna just gank me out of my money?

Yeah. Yeah, that's right,

And be happy doing it.

Get on out.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Whoo!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ohh!

What--

What the hell, lady?

Hello!

Ooh, honey, I hope you didn't mind me

Slipping that little stuff in your drink.

I just wanted you to relax for our little game.

What little game? Lady, this ain't no game, ok?

Oh, but it is a game.

And it's called "I spy."

I say, hot damn!

And that, honey, is just a little preview.

Are you ready?

Well--no, no...

Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie, coo!

No, lady, don't...

Cootchie, cootchie, cootchie, coo!

No, lady, stop!

Cootchie, cootchie...

Ha ha! I'm ticklish!

Lady, don't do that.

Ha ha!

Ah! Ha ha ha!

Ohh! I knew you'd like this game!

Ah!

Ah!

[Knock on door]

Come in! Come in!

Shh! No!

[Knocking]

Cole.

Yeah?

Thank...

Thank god, it's you, man.

Yo, yo. You won't, uh, mind me using your room to get married in, will ya?

Look, whatever, man. Now, listen up...

There's this woman, crazy woman, wild woman,

She in the bathroom.

Got me handcuffed. I can't even get out.

My man!

Hey hey hey!

Yo, check this out, though--

I ain't gonna tell gina nothin', man.

We're boys. Your secret's safe with me, you know.

Cole, what are you doin', man?

Uh, I gotta, uh, cover up these handcuffs,

'Cause, uh, trust me, bro,

You don't wanna be in weddin' pictures with handcuffs on.

Hi, there!

Don't mind us. We're just decorating for the wedding.

Hey, cole, would you prefer a large disco ball

Or a small disco ball over the bed?

Hey! Hey! Get off the ba*ls!

Now, look, get me out of these handcuffs, all right?

I got a wild lady in my bathroom

And get , rescue-- all of 'em down here now!

Hey, captain spaulding, glad you made it.

Let's just get this ceremony started.

I've got the boat on cruise control.

Ha ha.

Don't you just love weddings?

By the way, are you, uh...

Involved with anyone?

Hey, hey, can I get a little help over here, doc?

Oh, mr. Payne, good to see you again.

Don't get up.

Martin! Where is he?

Hey, martin, you gotta hide me!

Where is he?

Where is he? I'll k*ll him!

Excuse me! Delivery!

Aah!

Please, hammer, don't hurt him!

Don't hurt me!

Nothing happened between us!

Hey, tommy, help me, man!

How come no one can help me, too, man?

You were ignoring me, baby.

I only used him to make you jealous.

I love you, hammer.

[Baby voice] I love you, too.

I love you, too-- i--i--i'll be over here if you need me.

Cole, I'm running out of time here.

Hey! Here comes the lovely bride now.

Cole, I'm gonna k*ll you!

All right. Let's get started.

Dearly beloved--

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Ain't gonna happen, cap'n.

I'm not marryin' this fool.

Hope I'm not late. Last time I went to a black wedding

Was when kunta and them jumped the broom in roots.

There ain't gonna be a weddin', afro puff!

This whole mess is your fault, isaac.

My fault?

Yes! If you wouldn't have given me all those bahama mamas,

I wouldn't have ended up in bed with cole!

You slept with cole?!

[Pam groans]

No, no, no, no, no.

You both were dead drunk.

You all ended up in bed together

Because I put you there.

Back it up!

You mean...

Nothing happened?

We didn't...?

[Whistling softly]

You idiot!

Does this mean we still can't get married?

I'm gonna k*ll you, boy! I'm gonna k*ll you!

Looks like the wedding's off. Let's go. Come on.

Hey, hold on, isaac. Wait a minute, man.

Look, man, I sure could use a drink.

Heh, heh--

No, no. I think I'd better have a ginger ale.

Oh, speaking of ginger,

Did she ever get off of that island?

Martin: hey, hey, man...

Tommy! Y'all come back here, man!

Oh, damn!

I forgot about you.

Finally, I've got you all to myself.

You can take my body...

But you'll never get my mind!

Martin, did I leave my purse in--

I'll tell!

I'm tellin'!

Nah. Nah!

It ain't like that.

Pam, she crazy.

She crazy.

She bugged.

She got me handcuffed. Look.

Ohh, poor baby.

It's obvious!

Excuse me. Um...

Are you pushing up on my best friend's husband?

What's it to you, weavie wonder?

Did she say weavie wonder?

I just wanna know.

H-h-handle your business.

Yeah, I think i--

No, wait, wait. Hold it.

Things happen.

Look, I know that I am crazy,

But I am not willing to get beaten up.

Oh!

We got her, mr. Payne!

You were right!

Our investigation showed that suicidal sarah here

Has done this on other cruises.

I'm sorry we didn't believe you, sir.

Come on!

No! God, no!

Oh!

Oh, pam...

Pam...

Do you know what?

For once I'm being true to the heart.

I can truly say...

I am happy to see you.

Now, come on over here and gnaw me out of these cuffs, please!

So, it's like that, huh?

So, I guess you, uh,

Must like being in a lockdown, huh?

You know I was joking with you.

You know I was playin', right?

You was playin'? Yeah.

You'd better stop playin' like that, boy.

Ouch! Come here, sugar.

Ha ha ha ha!

I got a little jokey-joke for you, too.

What's that?

I'll see you in st. Thomas.

[Deep voice] peace! I'm outta here.

Pam--pam, I'm not playin' now.

Come on back, pam.

See ya, honey!

Come on, I'm serious!

These cuffs hurtin'.

I gotta go to the bathroom...

You are. You ain't much right.

Uh, his name is tommy strong, he ain't got no job,

And he made a--a left

At the-- at the smack stack.

Damn!