05x13 - Ain't That About a Ditch

[bunniefuu]

I can't help it, you know what I'm saying? That's what she told me.

Yeah, right.

That's what she told me.

All right, now, mr. Willie, go on ahead and hook a brother up.

Cole, how's he supposed to cut your hair with your hat on, man?

sh**t, mr. Jim ain't never had no problems.

He just--he just hit that part right there that's showing.

Well, you got a choice. You can pull your hat off,

Or you can wait for my brother jimbo to get back from divorce court.

However which way you want to do it.

All right, man, sh**t, I'm going to go ahead and take it off,

But, look, just leave the split ends on the top.

Don't touch that.

Don't touch the top.

All right, tommy, what kind of shine do you want today?

You want the michael jordan or the isaac hayes?

What's the difference?

The michael jordan makes you look rich,

The isaac hayes makes you look like you used to be rich.

All right, all right, then give me the jordan,

Because I'm stepping out tonight. Oh!

Oh, yeah? Yeah? What club y'all stepping out to?

Yeah, yeah, we're going out. Listen, cole--

Cole, look, what time you going to be by to pick me up, dog?

Ooh, can't do that, man. You going to have to come to school with me.

Yeah, I had to put the pacer down for a little r and r.

Hey, it ain't funny.

All right, then you--

I'll be by to pick you up about :, but be ready, man.

That place going to be packed.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, what club y'all going to?

Oh, this is a new joint called the sugar shack.

Cole, hey--

The sugar shack? Hey, I know where that is.

That's down there right off of, uh--

W-where's the sugar shack at again?

That's that joint over there on third street.

Yeah, third-- third street, ok, cool.

All right, so what's up? I'm rolling down there with y'all?

Well, er, uh, martin, frankly,

We didn't plan on you rolling at all.

Oh, ok.

You didn't think I was going to roll with y'all?

Not particularly, no.

All right, well-- well, I'm going to go.

I'm going to head on down there, so I just--

Uh, whatever. I'll meet y'all there.

I'll meet y'all down there. Is that cool?

Go ahead with that, man. Go ahead with that.

You going to be there, man?

Come on, man, you know gina ain't letting you out.

Oh, ok. It's like that.

That's what you said, gina letting me out the house?

Here we go again, man.

I told you, cole.

Don't no woman be letting me out, man.

No woman lets him out, man. You remember that.

My bad. I apologize, martin. That's all right.

Oh, you don't believe me?

Look, man, I'll call gina right now, you know what I mean?

Hey, hey, martin, martin, martin, martin.

Come on, you ain't got to front, bro.

Pam already told me gina's out of town

Setting up that new office in l.a.

Whoo-whoo.

All right, well, even if gina was here,

I'd still be down, you know what I mean?

Because I go where I please.

I just tell her, you know, what I'm doing, and she flows with it.

She flows with it. She flows--

Captwhwhng made possible by warner bros.

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeawhazzup!♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

Tin ♪♪

Yeah.

Look out, sugar shack.

Old marty-mar going to be fly tonight.

♪ Down at the sugar shack, sugar shack ♪

♪ Sugar shack ♪

You know what I mean?

That's the way it is sometimes.

Hi, martin.

Oh.

Ms. Waters.

Hi, how you doing? What are you doing here?

Oh, I came to visit you and gina.

Oh, well, ms. Waters, gina's not here right now.

Uh, she's away on business,

But I'll tell her you said "hey."

Oh, I know that, silly.

I saw gina before she left, and she made a great suggestion.

And what suggestion was that?

Well...

You know that you're my favorite son-in-law, right?

Well, ms. Waters, I'm your <span tts:fontstyle="italic">only</span> son-in-law.

But, marty, I don't feel like we really know each other,

So we're going to spend the whole weekend together.

The whole weekend?

Yeah.

Won't that be exciting?

Uh, yeah, ms. Waters, that'll be exciting.

I'm--i'm delighted by that.

Aw.

You know what I mean?

Good. Yeah, yeah.

Hanging out with ms. Waters.

That's right.

Dominoes, I win.

Come on, let's go again.

Nah, nah, ms. Waters, I don't want to play no more.

You done beat me times, ms. Waters.

Ok, then let's play monopoly.

Monopoly?

Oh, marty, marty, marty,

I am so glad I get to spend all this time with you.

Well, me, too, ms. Waters.

Now, do you want to be the hat or the shoe?

You know, ms. Waters, I'm-- I'm getting a little tired.

I don't want to play no more games. I don't--i don't--

You know, l-let's watch-- uh, let's watch--

Watch television?

Sure, why not?

Ms. Waters, no, I was thinking more like a video.

Let's watch a video.

Um, uh, gina keeps them in the bedroom.

Why--why don't you go pick one out?

Oh.

Anything for my favorite son-in-law.

Aw, ms. Waters.

Martin?

[Thump]

Martin...

Uh, i--i didn't see any videos in there.

Did you check under the bed?

Gina likes to keep tapes under the bed.

Martin?

Yeah?

The only thing I found...

Under your bed...

Were these handcuffs.

Well, I don't--

I guess gina got a little freak in her, I don't know.

You know, cliff says the same thing about me.

Uh, ms. Waters, here's the videos right here.

Oh, wow, right here on the tv.

You going--you going to like this, ms. Waters.

Oh, w-what is it?

The fred williamson collection.

Ooh, I love me some fred williamson.

Do you remember <span tts:fontstyle="italic"> black caesar?</Span>

<Span tts:fontstyle="italic">hell up in harlem?</Span> <span tts:fontstyle="italic"> bucktown?</Span>

Got them all.

Oh, good, good. Good, good, good.

Yeah, yeah, so,

Put that there.

Come on, honey.

Ooh.

This one was always a good one, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Uh...

[Snores]

You know what I mean? Yeah.

You're going to miss the good part.

I know, ms. Waters. I'll tell you something, though.

Ms. Waters, you know what?

I'm, uh--i'm getting a little tired,

So I'm, uh--i'm going to call it a night.

But, martin, it--it's just :.

Well, ms. Waters, if I don't get at least hours of sleep,

I ain't no good to nobody.

Oh, all right, well, you go on and get your rest, honey.

Good night, martin.

Good night, ms. Waters. Thank you.

You're welcome, sweetheart.

You know, it's so nice to have you here.

Oh, well, thank you. I'm having a good time.

Good. Good night, ms. Waters.

Good night. Sweet dreams.

Sweet dreams to you, too.

[Thung]

[Knock on door]

Hey, ms. Waters, how you doing?

Fine, pam, how are you?

Good to see you. I'm good.

Um, gina left some papers in her briefcase,

And she needs me to fax them to her.

Oh, well, come on in.

Cool. Well, I just don't know--oh.

So, uh, how's jerkules treating you?

Oh, shh, shh, shh. Martin's asleep.

Lucky you. Be happy.

Oh, now, pam.

You know, it's a good thing gina caught me before I left,

Because I was about to get my groove on.

Dancing.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

I haven't been dancing in years.

You dance, ms. Waters?

Oh, girl, I used to do a whole lot of funky chicken in my day.

Oh, really? Uh-huh.

Uh-oh.

What do you think?

Er, um...

I think you need to hang with me.

We got to get a little of that funk out your chicken.

Oh. Oh, I couldn't do that.

I know. I understand.

Sometimes age does get in the way, girl.

Uh, now, hold on a minute. I can hang.

Just give me a chance to-- to change my clothes and write a note for martin,

And we'll be on our way.

Wonderful.

By the way, where are we going anyway?

Oh, yo, I hear this place is the b*mb.

They call it the sugar shack.

Sugar, sugar shack. Whoo!

Hurry up, so we can get some sugar in our shack

And shake it up.

[Dance music plays]

Woman: whoo!

Yeah.

Mmm.

Ooh.

Honey, baby, where you going?

Oh, I know you ain't tired.

Come on.

Well, sorry, sister,

I ain't going to show you all my--my moves in one shot.

Hey...

That's my jam.

Come on.

I'm sorry, but, darling,

You--you going to have to get your jam all by yourself,

Because I'm married.

You know what I mean?

Excuse me.

I'm not married.

Hello, my name is habib.

Pftt.

Is it like that?

Whew.

Hey...

Whazzup, man. We saw you out there, dog.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, gettin' busy, gettin' busy.

Oh, you know, I started to do a little something, something.

Hey, hey, check this out, though.

All I know is, by tomorrow morning,

Be laid up with my new honey.

All I need is more digits--

-...

Cole, what you talking about, man?

The woman you was with just left.

Nah. Nah, she didn't. Yes, she did.

No, she didn't. Cole, she just--

She didn't leave, tommy. She didn't leave.

She said she had to go to the car to get the rest of her number.

Cole, you have just fallen for the oldest trick in the book, man.

She wasn't that old, tommy.

You know what I mean, tommy?

I need a drink, man.

Excuse me, excuse me, I've been waiting in line.

Hold on, hold on. Everybody have their i.d.s out and ready.

I.d.? I don't have an i.d.

I'm sorry. I can't let you in then.

Aw, come on, man. Look how old she looks.

Excuse me?

No, i--i didn't mean it in that way, ms. Waters.

Look, I can't let anybody in without an i.d.

All right, all right, all right.

Looks like I'm going to have to flex my power around here.

I do know the owner.

Look, I'll be right back. I just got to look for him, ok?

All right.

All right, watch that--

Watch my butt.

Uh, no disrespect,

But you are wearing the hell out of that dress.

Oh...

Well...

Thank you.

So she said her name was pudding tang.

I asked her again, she said the same thing, man.

Ok, man, not to say that--

Hey, martin, I thought you were getting a drink.

They all out of drinks, man.

Hey, look, with all this music being so loud,

I can't--i can't even hear myself think. Let's go over here.

Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing, man?

Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me.

Excuse me, can I get through here?

What is going on, man? What is going on?

Now, ain't it quieter over here?

Hey, hey, look, there's pam.

Hey, booty-- whoa, whoa, whoa.

The last thing I need is weird al stankovich giving me the blues.

Ok, ok, martin, come on, tell us, brother, what's up with you?

Yeah, man, you all-- why you buggin'?

Ok, well, check this out.

Gina's mother came to town to visit.

Gina ain't here, you know, so I had to sneak out,

Because she wants me to spend all of my time with her, you know?

So I had to sneak out just to get this on.

Ok, all right, there ain't nothing wrong with that.

What's the problem?

What's the problem?

Oh, man.

Oh, my damn.

Ooh, you in trouble.

Yo, you know she going to tell gina.

N-n-no, no, no, no. No, no, cole--

Cole, see, martin cool.

See, martin don't let no woman...

Both: boss him around.

Look here, man. Y'all got to help me get out this club, ok?

Now, now, you got to distract pam,

Uh, in case she pick up my scent.

Ok. Ok?

You handle that, cole.

All right, guess what I'm going to do?

I'm going to go get mrs. Waters away from the front door, ok?

Uh, yeah, cool, so I can sneak out, you know what I mean?

Now, in case this doesn't work,

It's been nice knowing you.

What's happening, man?

Hey, hey, man, what's happening, tone loc?

Yeah, so you're right. What's up, dog?

Well, it's all good, man, you know.

A good thing's everything.

This club is the wild thang, huh?

Oh, hey, you know, it's all right, you know. I can't complain.

That's right. That's right.

Look, could you do me a favor?

What's that, homes?

Stand right here.

Whoa, what's up?

Yeah, right there.

Cool.

So, check this out, man.

I mean, I brought some of the flyest honeys out here in detroit

To my grand opening,

So what you doing standing over here by yourself?

Well, me, I'm just a little shy, you know?

Oh, a little shy? Uh-huh.

Hold up. Aren't you that same brother that hosts <span tts:fontstyle="italic"> word on the street?</Span>

Yeah, yeah, that would be me.

Martin--martin, martin payne. Martin payne.

Right, right, right, yeah.

Look, do me a favor.

Keep that on the down-low.

Oh, ok.

Know what I mean?

You be creepin' at night.

I understand, bro. I ain't mad at you, you know what I mean?

Hey, enjoy the club, homey.

No doubt, no doubt. Do the right thing.

No, really. Really, I'm serious. You look absolutely gorgeous.

Oh, thank you. Tell me--

What have you been doing since you been in town?

Well, you know, tommy,

Tonight, I'm just out trying to get my groove on.

Oh, you nasty little old freak, you.

Hey, I don't know, I can't get her to--

So--so, listen, um, why don't we get a drink, huh?

Oh, but they won't let me in without an i.d.

Won't let her-- but, she--

Ok, then--then I guess we just going to have to dance right here.

Come on, ms. Waters, strut your stuff.

Show me what you got, girl.

Uh, l-look here,

Habib or whatever your name is--

Look, y'all want to meet some fly honeys?

Oh, yes, I'm most anxious to get my groove on.

Oh, yeah? Well, then follow me to this club.

I'll show you where all the honeys at.

Very good. Let us be rolling.

Cole: excuse me.

What are you--

Tommy, look who here.

Tommy: pam, you look great.

I saw you a little earlier.

sh**t, I'm mad!

Locked my keys in the car,

Got to walk all the way home--

<Span tts:fontstyle="italic">had</span>to walk all the way home.

Whew.

Yeah.

No, she did not lock the door.

No problem.

[Door opens]

[Gasps]

Martin, you scared me.

What are you doing?

I'm just sleepwalking, ms. Waters.

Just sleepwalking, that's all that is.

Do you always sleepwalk in your suit?

Just because I'm asleep don't mean I can't be fly, you know what I mean?

Martin, what are you up to?

Ms. Waters, you tell me.

You the one rolling up in here at : in the morning

Dressed like josephine baker.

Oh, martin, I was just out with pam, you silly.

Ms. Waters, that-- that ain't nothing to be bragging about.

Now, martin, I am not the issue here,

But I am sure that gina will want to know

What you were doing dressed up and sneaking into the house

At this time of night.

Well--well, maybe I should call dr. Waters

And tell him you been hanging out with stankmaster flash.

Huh? How's that?

Dr. Waters.

Um...

Hold on, martin.

Uh-huh. Thought you'd change your mind.

Where did you get that wristband?

Oh, this?

Uh...

Uh, I got this from the hospital. Yeah.

Yeah, my mama told me to put this on and vow never to take it off.

Remember? Like bruce lee. You know. Pow!

If I take it off, I got to hurt somebody.

Uh, would that hospital happen to be called...

The sugar shack?

Aw, damn.

Ms. Waters, look, I know what it looks like,

But I wasn't trying to cheat on gina.

I was just trying to hang out with the fellas,

You know, get some time out.

Well, why did you lie, martin?

Well, because gina might not understand, ms. Waters.

You know what I mean? Would dr. Waters understand

The way you was pushing up on that bouncer?

Excellent point.

I can forget about tonight if you can.

What's there to forget?

You went to bed early, and I spent the evening with fred williamson.

That's my favorite mother-in-law.

Thank you.

Want to play parcheesi?

Captioning made possible by warner bros.

Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.

Hello?

How you doing? Do you have a daughter?

Is her name pudding tang?

Was she partying at the sugar shack?

Oh. Uh, um...

N-not bad, reverend.

Amen, right.

There you are, cole. Where you been for the past hours?

Oh, man, look--look, tommy, I'm trying to figure out

Uh, the last digits in pudding tang's number.

Who?

Uh, pudding tang.

Cole, come on, man. I'm going to ask you again.

I'm going to tell you the same, ok?

C-cole-- cole, you stupid.

Yeah, I know, but can you loan a brother $ in dimes?

Because I'm going to try to figure out every combination that I can.

All right, you big bonny-looking--

Maybe I call collect.

Yeah, collect from cole.

How you doing? Yeah, I'm looking for pudding tang.

Right. Was she partying at the sugar shack?

All--all right, lady, dang, don't bite my head off.

sh**t, how was I supposed to know you a senior citizen?

What--what you got on?

Man: well, even if gina was here, I'd still be down.

Married or not, I goes where I please.

I just tell her where I'm going, and she flows with it.

You want to write a book, man?

What were you doing at the sugar shack?

What was I doing?

But why did you lie, martin?

I didn't lie.

About what?

Mismatched shoes.