01x06 - Buzz

[bunniefuu]

♪ ["THE STARS
AND STRIPES FOREVER" PLAYING] ♪

-♪ [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
-SAMUEL L. JACKSON:
On the evening of April 18th,

-1775...
-[HORSE NEIGHING, GALLOPING]

...Paul Revere
was given the task

to ride to Lexington,
Massachusetts

with the news
that the British soldiers

stationed in Boston
were about to march

into the countryside
northwest of town.

Revere set out on horseback,

and after narrowly
avoiding capture

outside of Charleston,

he changed his route
and rode through Medford,

-warning the colonists
of the impending attack.
-[HORSE GALLOPING]

JACKSON: You know,
"The British are coming!

The British are coming!"

Revere's brave ride
saved many lives

and inadvertently ruined
a few others.

-[HORSE NEIGHS]
-PAUL REVERE:
The British are coming!

-TOWNSPERSON:
Fetch the horses! We must flee!
-REVERE: The British are coming!

-[TOWNSPEOPLE CLAMORING]
-REVERE: The British are coming!

-The British are coming! Flee!
-♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

REVERE: Flee!
Run for your lives!

-Oh, sh*t! The British!
-[TOWNSPEOPLE CLAMORING]

The-- The British are coming!
Hey! The British are coming!

-♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪
-Oh, my God! Elsbeth!
Els-- Elsbeth!

-Yeah? What's happening?
-The British are coming!

-What? What?
-LARRY DAVID:
The British are coming!

Yeah! We gotta pack up
and get out of here!

-Where are we gonna go?
-I don't know!

Ah! Oh, we could go
to my sister's in Ipswich!

-Your sister's?
-ELSBETH: Yeah!

Oh, no, she's such a Puritan!
We can't go there!

Before every meal
she says grace for 45 minutes!

I don't know
what she's so thankful for!

Half her kids are dead!

Yeah, well she's still
got five good ones!

Okay, we'll go to your sister's.

-ELSBETH: Okay.
-Get your stuff!

-Pack your things!
-Should I take the carrots?

-Carrots, good. Good snack.
-ELSBETH: Yeah.

What about the eggs?

No. Eggs on a trip with a horse?
Are you nuts?

You're taking your collection
of feathers?

This is not
a feather collection.

These are quills.

-I've had this collection
since I was a boy.
-[ELSBETH GRUNTS]

This one was
in the hands of John Winthrop

the day he died of pleurisy.

-We gotta make space for Mom.
-You're not bringing that.

This was
her wedding day portrait.

-She was 25.
-That woman's a monster!

-ELSBETH:
We're sharing your trunk!
-That-- That-- That-- No! No.

-Let-- Let-- [MUTTERS, GRUNTS]
-Let me take Mom!

Please,
I'm telling you, she's dead.

-Get this f*cking woman
out of-- [GRUNTS]
-She's dead.

LARRY: Please, leave it here.

We don't need that
in the wagon, come on.

You know what's really
irritating about you?

Oh! [CHUCKLES]

You better not bring up
my butter churning.

-Really?
-Yeah, that's right.

Well, you are the world's
worst butter churner!

You couldn't churn butter
to save your life.

-How dare you!
-ELSBETH: Ha!

Nobody churns butter
better than me.

I'm the best churner there is.
I go clockwise.

And then I pump, I pump,
faster, faster,

churn, churn, churn.

Mother said marry him anyway,
but his butter's bitter.

It's not bitter butter.
It's better butter.

-Bitter butter isn't better.
-Bitter butter is better.

-Nobody likes your butter.
-LARRY: By the way,

while we're on the subject,
your pigeon is mealy.

-My pigeon?
-LARRY: Yeah, your pigeon.

-Everybody loves my pigeon.
-LARRY: Your pigeon!

Nobody loves your pigeon.
And you know what?

That's why people don't come
to the house anymore.

'Cause they can't stand it.

You should see their faces
when they're eating.

They are wincing.
They're nauseous.

They're sick to their stomachs.

You know why
they don't come over here?

Because you're boring.

That's why you didn't get
the invite to the Tea Party...

-Oh, yeah, yeah.
-...with Michael Finney.

-Sure, yeah.
-He said, "All he does
is talk about his work."

Because my work
is very interesting.

-That's why.
-You build barrels.

Yeah, barrels are interesting.

Nobody finds
barrels interesting.

You don't find
barrels interesting

'cause you don't
understand barrels.

Barrels are way too complicated
for you.

It's not easy to build a barrel.

Really? Just putting some wood
in a circle is so hard?

You think it's easy
to get wood in a circle?

That's how stupid you are.

-It's easy to get wood
in a circle.
-LARRY: That's just how stupid--

-Easy to get wood in a circle?
-It comes from a tree!
Which is round!

And that's the size of a barrel!

Okay, you know what?

I don't have time
to argue about this.

Let's forget all this. Come on.
We gotta finish packing.

Okay. I'm gonna bring
some more scrimshaw.

Yeah, scrimshaw.
Good idea. Okay.

Wait, what's that?
What do you got there?

Oh, no, it's nothing.

Well, if it's nothing,
why can't I see it?

Well, if it was something,
I would let you see it...

-Well, it's--
-...but it's nothing,
so why look at nothing?

-[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]
-Whether it's nothing
or something, I wanna see.

-No, what are you doing?
Get your--
-I know, you would be--

[SIGHS]

Why do you have pictures
of bare-chested squaws?

[CHUCKLES] Okay.
It's very, very easy to explain.

I'm starting a butter business,
and I was gonna put her picture

on the side of the jar. [SCOFFS]

I didn't know she'd be naked.

Why would you have pictures
of naked Mashpee Indians

-on the side of your butter?
-[SCOFFS] Mashpees?

They happen to be Iroquois.
I'm not a savage.

What do they got
to do with butter?

REVERE:
[IN DISTANCE] My mistake.

-What's that?
-REVERE: Sorry, guys. I'm sorry.

-♪ [QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
-REVERE: The British
are not coming.

-They are not coming.
-TOWNSPERSON 2: Thank heavens!

-What?
-That was my mistake.
I'm sorry, everybody.

What?
What are you talking about?

-♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪
-They're not headed here.
They're heading to Concord.

Concord?
What was all that before?

You raced down the hill earlier

-screaming at the top
of your lungs...
-I--

"They're coming, they're coming,
they're coming, they're coming."

This is what I heard.
This is what I was told.

Who told you
the British were coming?

-Some guys.
-Who are they?

They're some cool guys.

They're like, "Oh, I-- I heard
the British are coming."

They're like, "Yeah, yeah,
I heard that too.

We should let people know,"
and I overheard them,

I was like, "Hey, you know,
let me tell people."

Like, "I'd love to get involved
somehow,"

-and they're like, "All right.
Oh, you got it, Paul."
-[LARRY SIGHS]

-"You can do this."
-So guys you know
say the British are coming,

and you volunteer
to ride throughout the town

and tell everybody,
is that how this went?

Yeah, well, they're-- I mean,
they're pretty cool guys.

Well, maybe you should have
ridden down the hill screaming,

-"The British might be coming."
-They are coming.

It's not like they're not com--
They're just not coming here.

Are you gonna tell them
they made a mistake?

-No.
-Why not?

These are, like, cool guys.
I'm not gonna say, like,

"Hey, you guys made a mistake.

The British weren't
coming exactly there."

[HESITATES]
They're not gonna want to hang.

They're not gonna
hang with me ever.

-Oh, Revere.
-What?

You know what you f*cking did
for me here tonight?

-I don't-- What--
-You really screwed me big-time.

Thank you. Great job, Revere.

I apologize, but I'm not
in charge of your life, sir.

♪ [SOFT
WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

REVERE:
So the British are not coming.

-Sorry about that, everybody.
-[SCOFFS]

REVERE: That was-- That's--
That's my mistake!

The British are not coming!

♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

Funny story.

Funny story.
This... [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

This Revere guy,
what a whack job.

This guy's cuckoo.
As it turns out... [GASPS]

...the British aren't coming.
Can you believe it?

-[SIGHS]
-LARRY: They're not coming.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All this is...

Yeah, yeah.

So, uh, you know,
we can, uh, unpack

and resume
our wonderful lives here, and...

Anyway, what's for dinner?

Hoping it's pigeon!

-[METALLIC CLANG]
-[LARRY GROANS LOUDLY]

♪ [LIVELY
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

-♪ [BROODING MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
-JACKSON: The Texas Revolution
was a rebellion

-by American settlers
against Mexico's government.
-[g*nshots, INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

JACKSON: On February 23rd, 1836,
Davy Crockett, James Bowie,

and a small garrison
of about 200 Texan volunteers

were besieged
by a Mexican army force

of two
to three thousand soldiers...

-[HORSE NEIGHS]
-...under General Santa Anna

in what became known
as the Battle of the Alamo.

-[SWORDS CLASHING]
-JACKSON: All the defenders
were k*lled,

and outnumbered ten-to-one,

-they had little
to no chance of victory.
-[FLAMES CRACKLING]

JACKSON: But aside from that,
there may have been

a very different reason
the Alamo failed.

-♪ [BROODING
WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Our first order of business
is going to be

-to fortify this east wall.
-Oh, yeah, the east wall.

-Right? We need--
-Yeah. It needs fortification.

Absolutely.
Colonel Travis has asked
that we take all the ammunitions

-and put them
in the main plaza area.
-[GROANS] Travis?

-I know.
-He thinks
he's such the big boss.

It's like we're doing
all the work.

They're in their room all day
barking out orders to people.

They don't do sh*t.

I don't know
what they're doing in there.

-You're doing all the work.
-I'm do-- Look at me!

-Hey, let me ask you something.
-Yeah, yeah.

You know,
there's no outhouse here.

You got a...
You got a good spot?

I mean, I got a spot,
but I don't love it.

It's out by the pecan trees.

I go through the cactus patch,
usually this tree right here.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I scouted that.

-Wait a minute, you got a spot?
-I got a pretty good spot.

-Well, whereabouts?
-Ah... Yeah.

So, just tell me just
the general vicinity

-of the spot.
-This is all I'm gonna tell you.

And don't ask me anything else.
I'm not gonna tell you.

It's on the north side,

somewhere out--
No, you're not gonna find it.

Is it north
of the cactus wastelands?

-No, don't ask.
Forget it. We're done.
-Sure, sure.

I'll just tell you this.
You couldn't find

a better spot than this.

-Really?
-It is fantastic.

DAVY CROCKETT:
Is it by the fork of the river?

I know that the grass there's
a little more plush.

All right, I'm done with it.

You're not gonna share
your defecation spot?

-Davy, you know how I feel
about you.
-I do.

But you're never gonna find out
where that spot is.

-You're not gonna tell me
about the spot?
-I'm not gonna tell you about

-the defecation spot, Davy.
-Come on.

-You're never gonna find out.
-Larry, come on, man!

-No!
-I'm defecating over here

in what may as well be

the sixth level
of Dante's Inferno.

And m-- What?

-May I ask you a question?
-By all means, yeah.

I just realized
I have never seen you

without that cap on.

-Oh, this cap?
-Yeah.

You've never seen me
with the cap off?

-Not once.
-I like the cap a lot.
It suits me.

I've known you, what,
eight months? Nine months?

-Yeah.
-You never take it off.

-I mean, I've had it off.
I've definitely taken it off.
-Really?

I mean, maybe
you've never seen it off.

Sometimes,
I take it off at night.

-Sometimes--
-I don't think anyone's
ever seen it off.

I've spoken
to some people about it.

-What is it? It's a raccoon?
-Raccoon, definitely, yeah.

Disgusting scavenger animal.

How could you wear that
on your head?

You say disgusting.

-Yeah.
-I say resourceful.

-They're garbage eaters.
-Here's the thing about the hat.

-It just really ties
the entire outfit together.
-Yeah.

'Cause even that day
that we went swimming

in the Rio Grande,
you had the cap on.

I don't like getting
too much sun.

The point is that it...

it looks as if
you're hiding something.

-I'm not hiding anything.
-Really?

-There's nothing to hide.
-Can I tell you a little story?

-Okay.
-I met this woman one day
in the park.

-Mm-hmm.
-I had my hat on.
I made a very good impression.

I saw her the next day.

-I didn't have the cap on.
-Mm-hmm.

She saw this,
and she was quite disappointed.

-I guess what
I'm saying, Davy, is...
-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

...she thought I had
deceived her in some way

-by wearing the cap.
-Larry, I don't like
what you're insinuating.

-No, I'm an open book.
-What's under that cap, Davy?

-A head.
-And what's on top of the head?

-Hair.
-I'd like to see it.

This is my look.

-Do you understand?
-Mm, yeah.

-This thing, the fringe.
-Yeah, I get it. Yeah.

I k*lled a bear
when I was three.

-That's part of it, you know?
-All right, okay.

Stop this bullshit bear story
when you were three.

-I'm not buying that.
-It's not bullshit.

-You didn't k*ll a bear
when you were three.
-Larry. I k*lled a--

Give me a break, okay?

-I'm not buying that at all.
-I was three and a half.

-Let's round it down.
-Oh, okay.

-Yeah.
-I literally k*lled a bear.

Yeah, 'cause
he was already dead, I bet.

He was not dead.
He was dying.

I didn't say
it wasn't a mercy k*lling.

-I just said I k*lled a bear.
-LARRY: Okay, fine.

You "k*lled" the bear
when you were three,

-and you're not bald.
-There is hair

underneath this hat.

Let's see the hair, Davy.

-You want to see
what's under the hat?
-I do, yeah.

Just did it.
I'm known for my quickness.

-What? [GRUNTS]
-♪ [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

Easy, Davy.

I will gut you
and I will wear you

-as my next hat.
-Easy, Davy.

Easy, Davy.

You are not bald.
You're not bald.

Glad that we got that straight.

-Sir.
-♪ [SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

-Mexican army's on its way.
-How many?

At least 2,000. Maybe more.

[SIGHS] Two thousand.

Here we are, 200 Texans,
outnumbered ten-to-one.

You tell Colonel Travis
that we will fight

-to the last man.
-TEXAN SOLDIER: Yes, sir.

-[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
-[HORSE NEIGHS]

-♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪
-What? So what was that?

I said we're gonna fight
to the last man.

I thought that's what you said.

-Is that wise?
-We're here.

We have to defend the Alamo.

If we're all gonna die,
what's the point?

Why not just hang up
the white flag

and go home?

Well, then we'd be seen
as cowards.

-Who gives a f*ck?
-We should die here with honor!

Now I'm gonna go out there
and I'm gonna inspire the men.

♪ [DRAMATIC
WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

[DOOR OPENS]

TEXAN SOLDIER 1:
Come on, light 'em up!

-[GRUNTS] Whoa!
-♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

-I'm sorry.
-[TEXAN SOLDIERS GASPING]

-[GASPS]
-♪ [TENSE WESTERN
MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

-He's bald underneath.
-Mm, mm, mm.

-TEXAN SOLDIER 2: Jesus.
-[GASPS]

TEXAN SOLDIER 3: A shiny head.

TEXAN SOLDIER 4: No kidding,
look at him. Not a hair at all.

MEXICAN SCOUT: Hmm?

[IN SPANISH]

TEXAN SOLDIER 5:
[IN ENGLISH] That's why
he never took his hat off.

-TEXAN SOLDIER 6: Really bald.
-TEXAN SOLDIER 7: Oh!

-♪ [DRAMATIC WESTERN
MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
-[HORSE NEIGHS]

[IN SPANISH]

[SIGHS]

-[MEXICAN SOLDIERS MURMURING]
-MEXICAN SCOUT: [SHOUTS]

-SANTA ANNA:
-[SPEAKING SPANISH INDISTINCTLY]

♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

[PANTS]

[MEXICAN SOLDIERS MURMURING]

[MEXICAN SOLDIERS LAUGHING]

♪ [EPIC WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

[MEXICAN SOLDIERS SHOUTING]

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

♪ [LIVELY
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

JACKSON: [IN ENGLISH]
Can you believe

-it wasn't until 1920...
-♪ [SOMBER BRASS
MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

...that women
in the United States

won the right to vote?

The passage
of the 19th Amendment

was the culmination
of decades of struggle

by suffragettes
like Susan B. Anthony.

In 1869, along
with Elizabeth Cady Stanton,

she founded the Women's
Suffrage Association,

fighting for the rights
of women to vote,

hold property,
and have equal access

-to education.
-[CHEERING]

JACKSON: Susan B. Anthony faced
constant ridicule and misogyny,

but she never wavered
in her devotion

to the cause of equal rights.

Friend or foe,
Susan B. Anthony advocated

for everyone to have a seat
at the table,

but there were some she wished
she wasn't seated next to.

-♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

How lovely to have you all here
at our dinner table.

Thank you all so much
for coming.

It means the world to me.

-Susan, thank you.
-GUEST 1: Yes.

Thank you for inviting us.

-Oh, Alfred.
-HERBERT: Looks wonderful.

-Thank you so much
for having us.
-Oh, thank you, Herbert.

-Thank you, Aunt Susan.
-Of course, of course.

-EDITH: Absolutely.
-ALFRED: Very kind.

-GUEST 2: Indeed.
-[GUEST CLEARS THROAT]

What?

I said thank you for coming.
You're supposed to reciprocate.

It's an interesting point
you raise.

Sort of an unnecessary
reciprocation, really,

if you think about it...

-SUSAN B. ANTHONY: Really?
-...because you really
weren't the one who invited me.

Your beautiful sister Edith did.

Who I'm courting,
is that the right word?

-Yes. [GIGGLES]
-Yeah. Who I'm courting.

She invited me,
so I'll tell you what I'll do,

-Susie--
-Susan.

Susan, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

In as much as she's the one
who invited me,

I'm gonna give her 90 percent
of the thank you.

Watch my 90 percent.

Thank you so much
for inviting me.

You're welcome.

And you,
I'm gonna give ten percent.

-Thank you.
-Yeah, that was great.

-That's equitable.
-Good adjustment.

-Well, let's enjoy our meal.
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

The asparagus in the salad
was grown in Edith's garden.

-Your sister?
-Oh, my gosh!

-[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
-MARTHA: That's amazing.
Thank you, Edith.

-CLARA: Thank you, Edith.
-How delicious.

She has a way with a vegetable.

I like to help things grow.

[CHUCKLES] Oh,
I'll say you sure do.

[GUESTS LAUGHING]

Mm. You don't seem
to be eating, Lawrence.

-Something wrong?
-Eh, yeah.

Not that hungry.
Had a late lunch.

-Yeah, what time?
-4:00.

-4:00?
-Yeah.

Why are you eating
at four o'clock

when you know you're coming
to a dinner party?

I'll tell you why.
I was too hungry and, you know,

-I'm very frail.
-Yes, he was famished.

Well, I think you could
have just had a snack,

-a cr*cker, or something.
-Yes, Susie, that was the idea--

-Susan!
-Yes, Susan, that was the idea.

There were no crackers
in the house.

Everybody has a cr*cker
in the house.

-LAWRENCE: You have
crackers in your house?
-Of course.

And I usually do
have a cr*cker.

Didn't have the cr*cker.

The cr*cker is paramount
to the snack.

-And so I made a sandwich.
-A sandwich?

You know, it had some
grilled onions on the top and...

No, he loves grilled onions.

LAWRENCE: I cut it
into four parts, quarters.

I was just gonna have a quarter,

and one-quarter
became two-quarters,

-and three-quarters.
-Oh, I've been there.

-I've been there.
-Yeah, sorry.

You seem to be a man
with very little self-control.

Well, let me tell you something,
okay?

Every minute
that I am around this woman

without touching her,

I am exhibiting
great self-control.

[GUESTS LAUGHING]

So you're not gonna eat
anything here tonight?

Doesn't seem like it, no.

Why'd you even come
if you're not gonna eat?

-Oh! [CHUCKLES]
-Well, first of all,
you are not gonna regret

my presence here.
Am I an addition here?

-A total addition.
-Yeah, you'll see.

You don't come across
a personality like this

-every day, you know?
-Oh, that's for sure.

I have a lot to offer
other than just eating a meal.

How is everybody else's meal?
Emily?

-It's delicious, Susan.
-Oh, yes.

-Thank you, Martha, my love.
-CLARA: Yes, it is.

-[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
-Look at this little fork.
[MUTTERS]

-What's the idea behind this?
-It's a salad fork, Lawrence.

Why does this fork
have to be smaller

than the fork that you eat
your main course with?

Why do we eat with plates?
Why do we have knives?

Why do we have glasses?
It's the way it's done.

Some things are there
just out of custom

and don't necessarily
make any common sense.

Ah, my point
about suffrage exactly.

Sometimes things have to change.

-Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
-Yes. Yes.

You know what?
How's this for a theory, okay?

We should be eating the salad
with the big fork,

so we'll eat healthier
and eat more salad.

The small fork should be
for the main course,

-so you eat less, you eat less.
-[GUESTS CHUCKLING]

-Oh, you see the switch
I just did there?
-Such an innovation.

-You are so smart.
-HERBERT: Really brilliant!

-Huh? What? Huh? Oh!
-[GUESTS CHEERING, CHUCKLING]

-He does make a good point
because...
-LAWRENCE: Okay.

...if you look at the knives,
they're the same size.

-Identical.
-Yes, identical.

Who else is gonna suggest
a fork switch?

-Nobody.
-It's like dining
with a scientist.

Yep, I'm an addition.

Where else are you gonna get
comments like that?

-Not from these two stiffs,
I can tell you that.
-[CHUCKLES]

I would've never thought
of something like that.

These gentlemen
who you're referring to

happen to be
upstanding citizens.

Alfred here
is the largest mill owner

in western New York.

We employ over 120 children.

-Can we make a toast?
-Yes!

-Yeah.
-SUSAN: Toast, Edith?

Yeah. Where's the wine,
by the way?

SUSAN: We toast with water.

-This is water?
-I'm a teetotaler.

You know,
if we had a little wine,

people would loosen up a bit.

-SUSAN:
We practice temperance here.
-Yes.

-Yeah.
-We feel,
in the temperance movement...

-Oh, the temperance,
the temperance, the temperance.
-...that alcohol

-is an evil
that needs to be eradicated.
-[MUMBLES MOCKINGLY]

We live a life of purpose.

You look like
you're having a blast.

I am having a blast.
Oh, yes, I am.

I'm having a great time.

You see how unfair
this is, though?

I mean, just 'cause
you don't like to swim,

nobody else can go
in the water?

My house, my rules.

But there will be port
after dinner?

-No port, Herbert.
-So no sherry, either?

-GUEST 3: No.
-Temperance.

-Ah.
-We feel in this household...

-Uh-huh.
-...that it's an evil.

-You must see it at the mill.
-It is a problem.

The children drink
at the mill, too.

And they cry a lot.

Are you for children drinking
at the mill, Lawrence?

You know,
I dislike children so much,

it really doesn't
bother me what they do.

-Susan.
-Yes, darling?

We haven't remarked
on the new invention

that you just had installed,

-electricity.
-Oh!

-These lanterns and chandeliers,
how beautiful.
-[GUESTS GASPING]

I don't know about that.

There's something
about the candle glow

that I still appreciate.

I'm more of a beef tallow
and wax man myself.

-Well, I believe in progress.
-That's right, and it's safer.

-Safer than wax and flame?
-Damn right.

-What's your name again?
-Herbert.

Herbert, okay.
I wanted to remember

by the off chance we ever run
into each other again,

because it won't be
a planned meeting.

[GUESTS LAUGHING]

What are you getting at, sir?

LAWRENCE: Well,
I gotta say, this electricity

is the greatest thing
that's ever happened.

I gotta get one of these.
Who's your electric guy?

Oh, um...
Uh, I... I don't remember.

-Oh, really?
You don't remember? Ah.
-Eh, eh, eh. Eh.

Ah. Ah, really?

Truly, you don't remember?

Edith, I need to speak
to you about the sauces.

-Please meet me in the kitchen.
-Okay, excuse us.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-Look at this woman.
-Yeah.

Will you look at this woman?

-Lovely.
-Have you ever seen beauty
like this in your life?

-She's wonderful.
-Hard to believe

that these two came
from the same womb.

One of them
has to have been adopted.

-I need a drink.
-LAWRENCE: Oh, do you?

-GUEST 4: Most definitely.
-Oh!

-GUEST 5: Oh, my!
-Oh, you rascal.

-Oh, Lawrence!
-[LAUGHS]

What is the matter with you

bringing this moron
into the house?

I like him so much, Susan.
You're being so hard on him.

I am not being hard on him.

There's something wrong
with him.

He's so clever.

The little fork thing
was genius.

Oh, please. He's worse
than that circus performer

you brought home that time.

I told you to keep
Carl the Sword Swallower's name

-out of your mouth.
-You're right. You're right.
I went too far.

Lawrence had a point.
I did invite him.

He should have thanked me,
not you.

[SIGHS HEAVILY] All right.

I'm gonna try to be accepting,
I'm gonna try to be tolerant

-for your sake
because I love you.
-Thank you. Thank you, Susan.

-What am I gonna do with you?
-[SCOFFS]

ALFRED:
To my new favorite dinner guest.

What the hell
do you think you're doing?

-Uh... [COUGHS]
-Is that alcohol?

-No, it's, uh, saltpeter.
-Saltpeter, my a*s.

It helps curb
my sexual appetite.

-Otherwise, uh, the poor woman,
I'd fear for her.
-[CHUCKLES]

-Mm-hmm. Edith!
-Sorry, Susan.

You're a very bad influence,
Lawrence.

We're all not as perfect
as you, Susan.

Does the same for a woman.

You can imagine
the attraction here.

All right, uh, let's move on.
I don't need this image here.

Susan, are you ready
for your big meeting

-with Congress?
-I am so excited.

-Oh!
-We have drafted an amendment

we're presenting to Congress

for women to have
the right to vote.

-Here, here!
-[GUESTS CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

[LAUGHS HEARTILY]

Did you hear her?
Are you listening to this?

-Yes.
-That's a good one.

-That's funny.
-ALFRED: Yeah.

-And what's so funny about it?
-You can't be serious.

I am very serious.

I've spent my life working
towards this.

-This is a sad day indeed.
-It's absurd on the surface.

Women can't vote.

Why shouldn't women
have the right to vote?

We're doing you a favor
by not allowing you to vote.

Men and women
are created equal under God.

-Yes!
-We need to have equal rights.

-Oh, come on, Susie.
-Susan.

Come on, Susan.

Why shouldn't women
have the right to vote?

-Exactly, Lawrence, why?
-Yeah. Why?

-I think I have an idea.
Huh. Got an idea.
-[SMACKS TABLE]

I would posit this regarding
a woman's right to vote.

I think if a woman is attractive
and capable of landing a man,

she should not be able to vote.

-Mm.
-A beautiful woman, like Edith,
she should be home,

-cooking,
taking care of the children.
-Yes.

But others who have
no appeal whatsoever

to the opposite sex,
viragos, harridans, witches,

spinsters, those women
should be able to vote.

-This is a good compromise.
-That seems reasonable.

Who is making
this determination?

-I'm happy to step up and do it.
-And why you?

-Really, any man could do it.
-Any man with vision.

For example, Edith.

I'm terribly sorry, but,
my darling, you cannot vote.

-[SIGHS] Thank you.
-Eleanor, you can't vote either.

-Martha, no vote for you.
-What?

-HERBERT: Too lovely.
-LAWRENCE: Clara, so sorry.

And you, Susan.

-You, uh... You can vote.
-What? Because what?

You know, because, uh...
Yeah. You know.

Thank you, Lawrence,
for your permission,

but I don't need it.

Elizabeth Cady Stanton and I
have drafted the amendment...

-Mm-hmm.
-...and hopefully
most men in Congress

do not feel the way
that you do, Lawrence.

Mm. I notice you spend
a lot of time

with this, uh,
Elizabeth Cady Stanton.

Oh, yeah.
We're very, very close.

We've been working together
for years.

Yes, you're very close.

Yeah, she helped me write
the amendment.

One might say
very, very close.

-HERBERT: Ooh.
-You know, I'm starting to feel

that maybe it's time for you
to leave, Lawrence.

-I think we should take a vote.
-SUSAN: Let's take a vote.

Who thinks it's time
for Lawrence to leave?

No, no, no. Just the men
can vote, of course.

Edith, forgive me, but I think

-you should get the f*ck out
of my house, Lawrence.
-[GUESTS GASPING]

You know, you ate
before you came,

you don't like the forks,
you don't like the food,

you drink at my table,

and now you don't want us
to vote.

In this house,
women have the right to vote.

-[GUESTS MURMURING]
-Get the f*ck out!

-What? You're kicking me out?
-Get the f*ck out!

Fine. I'm leaving, Susie.
Come on, Edith. Let's go.

I'm sorry, Lawrence.
She's my sister.

Now get the f*ck out!

-[GUESTS MURMURING]
-Okay.

Maybe now we can have
a nice dinner.

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-[SIGHS] So...
Oh, here he comes.

And one more thing,
Susan B. Anthony.

You don't have to tell me
what the B stands for.

And little fork you.

-Little fork you.
-Out!

♪ [LIVELY
INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

-[ROCKET ENGINE ROARING]
-JACKSON: On July 20th, 1969,

Neil Armstrong
and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin

became the first men

-to walk on the moon.
-♪ [LIGHT HOPEFUL
MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

JACKSON: Armstrong went first,
uttering the famous words,

"That's one small step

-for a man...
-[NEIL ARMSTRONG RECORDING
PLAYS]

...one giant leap for mankind."

It was a crowning achievement
in human exploration,

made even more remarkable
when you consider

they were hurtling through space
for four days

in a tiny metal capsule

controlled by a NASA computer
a million times less powerful

-than your smartphone.
-[HOUSTON DIRECTOR
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

JACKSON: Throughout the journey,
Neil and Buzz

were in constant communication
with Mission Control in Houston,

and new tapes
have recently been released

that show their voyage
in a different light.

-[STATIC CRACKLES]
-[COMPUTER BEEPING]

HOUSTON DIRECTOR: [OVER COMMS]
Altitude now 21,000 feet.

Still looking very good.

-♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪
-Houston... [SIGHS]

...give us a reading
on the 1202 alarm.

HOUSTON DIRECTOR: Okay,
that looks good there, Neil.

Altitude now 21,000 feet.

You're looking good
to us, Eagle.

Roger that.

Hey, what'd you get
the launch guys for a gift?

Huh?

-What--
-Launch guys for a gift?

-What are you talking about?
-I got 'em putters.

You got the launch guys a gift?
Are you kidding me?

Why'd you do that?

Well, they're sending us
to the moon.

Well, I didn't
get them anything.

-It's fine.
-No. Uh...

They must think
I'm some kind of cheapskate

-or ingrate or something.
-Nah, I'm sure
they don't think that.

Well, it seems odd to me

that you got them something
and I didn't.

I'm sure they're gonna be
talking about it.

When you go to somebody's house
for dinner,

-do you show up empty-handed?
-Yes.

-Well, that's bad.
-Why is it bad?

If I have to stop off

to buy something
on the way to the dinner,

I don't even want to go
to the dinner.
Don't even invite me.

All right. I didn't mean
anything by it, all right?

It was just a--
It was a nice gesture.

Yeah, exactly.

That's the kind of thing
I never think of.

I need somebody to tell me
about their gesture

so I can repeat their gesture.

-I never think of gestures.
-It was just a little something.

You got the launch guys
a gift. [SCOFFS]

-[STATIC CRACKLES]
-HOUSTON DIRECTOR:
Altitude 4,200.

You're a go for landing, over.

Roger. Go for landing,


It wouldn't have k*lled you
to tell me.

-NEIL ARMSTRONG: Sorry.
-I don't see how
you couldn't have told me.

Well, get 'em a return gift.

-A return gift?
-Yeah.

Grab 'em something
from the moon.

Bring back a rock.

-A rock?
-NEIL: Yeah, get 'em rocks.

What, are you f*cking nuts?
I'm keeping the rocks

for myself.

You're gonna keep every rock
from the moon?

Yeah. I'm gonna be taking
a lot of rocks.

Lots of them.

What, are you gonna
swallow the rocks?

No, I brought a laundry bag.

You brought a laundry bag
for rocks?

That's not very scientific.

I'm gonna put the rocks
in the laundry bag.

These are moon rocks, you dodo.

-They haven't been tested.
-BUZZ ALDRIN: Hey, listen.

We can make millions of dollars
from these rocks.

Get smart, will you?

You can make millions of dollars
in speaking engagements.

You don't need to bring back
a bunch of rocks

from the moon
and just give them out

-or sell them.
-Okay.

You better not say
a f*cking thing.

I apologize. I did not mean
to make you upset.

-I don't know what to tell you.
-Well, it pisses me off.

-I mean--
-All right, let's forget it.
Let's forget it.

Yeah. Can we just take a second?

We're about to land
on the moon. I mean, come on.

[IN UNISON]
We're landing on the moon!

NEIL: We are landing
on the moon!

HOUSTON DIRECTOR: Roger,
understand go for landing,

-three thousand feet.
-Roger.

Descending 3,000 feet, over.

HOUSTON DIRECTOR:
Good radar data.

We're now on approach phase.
Everything looking good.

Hey, by the way,

I think I came up with
a pretty good line

for when I step on the moon
for the first time. All right?

What? What do you mean?

Well, I'm gonna be the first man
to ever step on the moon.

I gotta say something profound,

something
with some real gravitas,

and I think I...
I thought of something.

Who said
you're taking the first step?

-They did.
-Who's they?

NASA, the launch guys.

Oh, so now you get
to step on the moon first?

Nobody told me about this.

They told me.
They didn't tell you?

No, no, they didn't.

NEIL: Anyway,
so what do you think of this?

"That's one small step
for a man,

one giant leap for mankind."

That stinks. [CHUCKLES]
Boy, does that stink.

-That's terrible.
-What are you talking about?

BUZZ: That is so trite.

I could've come up with
a much better line

than that boring "one small step
for a man."

-You can do better?
-[BUZZ SCOFFS]

-NEIL: What do you got?
-I can do better in my sleep.

Give me a line then,
if that one's no good.

"Fly me to the moon

and let me play
among the stars."

Like the song?

What song?

It's a song called
"Fly Me to the Moon."

-"Fly Me to the Moon"?
-Sinatra.

-Never heard of it.
-You've never heard the song,

but you've quoted
the lyrics perfectly?

Why don't you just jump down
on the moon

and start singing "Summer Wind"?

Oh! "Fly me... Fly me
to the moon, let me play..."

-"Let me see what spring
is like on..."
-"Spring is like on."

-"...on Jupiter and Mars."
-NEIL: "Jupiter and Mars."

Oh, yes, it-- you're--
[CLICKS TONGUE]

-sh*t. You're right.
It is a song.
-NEIL: Yep.

Maybe when you land
on the moon,

you can tell 'em,
"Hey, if I can make it here,

-I'll make it anywhere."
-Okay, how about this?

I pick up a rock, okay?
I pretend I'm eating it.

I go...
[IMITATES CHEWING] "Gouda!"

-"Gouda"?
-Yeah, Gouda. The cheese.

Yeah, no, I got it.

It's funny.
You have no sense of hu--

You know, that's your thing.

You have no sense of humor
at all.

-I could tell joke after joke,
you'd get nothing.
-What?

They should've asked me
to do the line

because I'm creative.

Yeah, you're so creative,
you plagiarize Sinatra.

You know, I did a lot of plays
in high school.

-Okay.
-I played Robert Browning

in The Barretts
of Wimpole Street.

I was fantastic.

Just because you did
The Barretts of Wimpole Street

-in high school doesn't mean
you're creative. I'm--
-Yeah. And you know what?

I was written about the next day
in the school newspaper.

"Buzz Aldrin
Is Robert Browning,"

and they capitalized "is."

-Do you remember any lines?
-Yeah.

-Maybe you could say one
when you walk on the moon.
-[STATIC CRACKLES]

HOUSTON DIRECTOR:
Eagle, Houston,
you are go to powered descent.

NEIL: Roger.
Prepare for landing.

HOUSTON DIRECTOR:
We're go, same time, we're go.

You f*ck.

Now I know
why you gave them that gift.

'Cause you wanted to set foot
on the moon first.

-What?
-You bribed your way
onto the moon!

I gave them a gift
because that's what you do.

Who gets a launch team gifts?

I'll bet nobody's ever
given them a gift.

No one's ever been sent
to the moon before.

Oh, my God.
You're... You're so desperate.

-You're such a phony.
-I'm a phony?

-Yes.
-Edwin.

Calling yourself "Buzz." Why?

'Cause it sounds cool?
You're Edwin. Edwin Aldrin.

I'd change it too 'cause the I-N
on both names sounds weird.

-Oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah.
-NEIL: So you give yourself
a name

-for like a ten-year-old boy.
-BUZZ: Oh, sure.

-Yeah.
-"Buzz."

Let me tell you something,
schmucko, okay?

When I was five years old,

instead of ringing
my friend's doorbells,

I would stand outside
and go, "Buzz, buzz, buzz,"

and that name stuck!
All the mothers loved it!

"Oh, Buzz is here!"

I don't think that's true.

Oh, you think I'm making it up?

All right. You know what?
I think you're full of lies.

-I'm full of lies?
-Yes!

You told me four times
you had sex

with Rocky Marciano's daughter.

Well, I did have sex
with Rocky Marciano's daughter,

-and it was fantastic.
-There's no way Rocky Marciano

would let anyone like you,
named Buzz, near his daughter.

Rocky Marciano met me.
He really liked me.

So don't tell me
that Rocky Marciano

wouldn't let me have sex
with Lucy.

'Cause he did let me,
and so did Lucy.

He "let you" have sex
with his daughter?

That already sounds--

-BUZZ: Well, he--
-What kind of creepy arrangement

did you have
with Rocky Marciano?

-[STATIC CRACKLES]
-HOUSTON DIRECTOR:
Eagle, you all right up there?

Just, uh... descending.
Uh, 700 feet.

HOUSTON DIRECTOR: Eagle,
you're go for landing, over.

I'll tell you what, Neil.
I don't believe
that NASA told you...

HOUSTON DIRECTOR:
Three hundred feet.

...that you're gonna be first
on the moon.

-Yes, they did. Yes, they did.
-BUZZ: They didn't.
No, they didn't.

-No, they didn't.
-I'm not a liar.

BOTH:
[REPEATEDLY] You're a liar!

-[IN UNISON] You're a liar!
-[SPACECRAFT RUMBLING]

[RUMBLING FADES]

HOUSTON DIRECTOR:
We copy you down, Eagle.

NEIL: Uh, Tranquility Base here.

-The Eagle has land--
-The Eagle has landed.

-The Eagle has landed--
-Eagle's landed.

The Eagle's land...

-The Eagle's land--
-We've landed. We've landed.

-NEIL: Yeah, we land-- Yeah.
-[STATIC CRACKLES]

HOUSTON DIRECTOR:
Okay, engine stop.

Looking good, over.

We're a go. We're a go.

-♪ [LIVELY CLASSICAL
MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
-[GRUNTS]

[ALL CHEERING, APPLAUDING]

HOUSTON DIRECTOR: Roger, the EVA
is progressing beautifully.

Stop it! You're ruining
the moon landing!

We're on TV!

[BUZZ MUMBLES ANGRILY]

-NEIL: Go back inside!
-[BUZZ SCREAMS]

NEIL: [PANTING]
That's one small step for a man,

one giant leap for mankind.

-Boom!
-BUZZ: Come back here!

[GRUNTS] You son of a b*tch!

[BOTH GRUNT, GROAN]

NEIL: You're ruining it, Edwin!

-BUZZ: It's Buzz!
-[NEIL GRUNTS]

[BOTH GRUNT, GROAN]

BUZZ: You c*cksucker!

-NEIL: You're too cheap!
-BUZZ: Oh, you got
the launch team a gift?

NEIL: Those guys hate you,

that's why they didn't want you
to go first.

-BUZZ: You a*s kisser! [GRUNTS]
-NEIL: [GRUNTS] Get off me!

-[GRUNTS] Hey!
-[BUZZ GROANS]

[GROANS] My glasses!

-I hate you!
-[NEIL GRUNTS]

[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY, GRUNTS]

-♪ [MUSIC CONTINUES] ♪
-[NEIL GRUNTS]

[BUZZ GROANS]

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

♪ ["THE STARS
AND STRIPES FOREVER" PLAYING] ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪