04x18 - The Best of Martin

[bunniefuu]

- Next caller.

Whaddup!

- Give me a break.

You all talk.

If you've even got a girlfriend,

I bet she's got you wrapped around her little finger.

- Okay, so let me get this right, darling.

You're a female weight lifter, right?

A gladiator, a body builder, right?

All right, 'cause you calling me, going off on me.

Let me tell you a little something

About my girl gina, all right?

Gina worships the ground I walk on, all right?

If I tell gina to jump,

She just asks, "how high?"

'Cause, see, gina knows, with me,

She got a real man

That can deliver.

- Some people call him crazy.

I just call him baby.

A certain sister by the name of pam

Calls him everything from short boyardee

To donald stump

To inch-high private eye.

But to the rest of the world, he's just...

♪ Martin ♪

Hi, I'm tisha campbell,

And for the next half hour,

I'm gonna be your host, your m.c.,

And all-around tour guide

As we look back on some of martin's finest

And funniest moments

In a show that could only be called

The best ofmartin.

- Whassup?

- Whassup!

- ♪ Martin ♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

- It is so hard to believe

That the th episode ofmartin

Is only two weeks away.

What's even harder to believe

Are some of the changes we've gone through

Since the show first premiered in .

Of course, changing your job or your wardrobe is one thing,

But changing a man's attitude towards women

Is something else altogether,

And that is exactly what I was trying to do with martin

In this scene from our very first show.

Fine! It's over, martin!

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

You're gonna break up with me

Because of what I do on the radio?

- No, because of what you do to me on the radio.

- Damn it, gina!

Now I'm mad.

You don't get it, do you?

This is childish, gina.

That's right. You gonna leave me, right?

I'm a man, gina. I'ma be all right.

This is childish!

I want you out.

I don't even know why you still here.

Step. Step!

Gi, gi, gi, gi!

You won.

- I what? - You won, damn!

- There comes a time in every relationship

When you make a terrible mistake.

You do something so totally,

Unforgivable, unbelievably stupid,

Like when I invited my parents

To meet martin for the very first time.

- Whassup!

- Mama, daddy, this is martin.

- Yo, what's up, man?

How you livin'? How you livin'?

How you live?

Oh, ooh.

Hey...

- And you always smile this much?

- Oh, cliff, leave the boy alone.

You're making him nervous.

- Hey, hey, hey, now stop that.

I'm not nervous. I ain't never nervous.

- Martin!

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- What's wrong with him?

Get your hands off of my wife!

- Martin!

Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

- Oh!

- There's one thing about martin's apartment.

You never know who's gonna stop by,

Or, for that matter,

Wear out their welcome.

And that's when things can really get wild,

Because when martin decides

That it's time for somebody to step,

You can be sure that he will not be polite,

But he will definitely be funny.

- I got something for y'all.

[Together] what?

- Get out!

Trick-or-treat your a*s up out of here.

Let's go!

Back up a taste.

No, just a taste.

Just give me some room.

Okay, the door's gonna slam

About now, bruh.

- I can't stand to be around you for another second.

- Girl, you ain't got to wait. Excuse me.

Get out!

Get out!

- I'll catch you in hell, martin.

- Yeah, you'll be the only one down there

Still living with your mother.

Get to steppin', gina.

- Good!

Martin, I'd rather be spoiled

Than be an ignorant, no-class-havin',

Big-eared jackass.

- Hee-haw! Hee-haw!

- I think martin would be the first person to admit

That he's not perfect,

But when the chips are down,

You can always count on him...

To start buggin',

Like when my friend suddenly went into labor

And we couldn't get her to the hospital.

- Oh, man, now I know

Why mama has plastic slip covers.

Okay, go back, go back.

Okay, all right, all right.

Now, um, um, what I do now?

Whoa!

Aah, aah, girl,

I don't even know you.

Let's ease into this.

- Whoa!

Whoo!

My bad, you know.

- She's having a baby, man!

- Having a baby?

What is she doing here?

- [Screaming]

- Cole...

How far apart are the attractions?

- Every ten seconds.

- Heart rate?

- Steady.

Systolic and diastolic normal.

- Cole, where'd you get that from?

- Me and moms was watching doogie howser last night.

- Shut up, cole.

Look, martin, they say

That the most important thing is to keep them calm, okay?

So let's help her relax,

And everything will take care of itself.

- Okay, then tommy, you put on some luther.

Cole, light some incense.

- It's coming! It's coming!

Ahhhh!

- I caught him!

I caught him!

- Martin, wait, wait, wait!

Hold on, man.

Where's the umbilical cord?

- Damn it, tommy!

We don't need an umbilical cord.

This is tv.

- We'll be back with more ofthe best ofmartin.

- As much asmartinthe show is about martin the man,

It's also about his marriage,

And that's where I come in, as gina.

And no matter what happens, I love my marty-mar

And my marty-mar loves me.

In fact, when he calls me his sweet little boo,

It makes me so proud, I get a big head.

Wait a minute, did I just say that?

Oh, martin! Would you please help me?

I can't get out!

- I'm coming, baby. I'm coming.

Look, turn sideways.

- I can't! - Turn sideways, gina.

Ow! Ow!

[Both shouting]

Wait a minute! It's heavy!

- Swivel your head.

You got to pivot, gina.

- I can't get out.

I can't get out!

I can't get out!

- Gina, look!

Now, look!

Let's not lose our head on this one, okay?

Baby, we just got to think our way out of this, okay?

Come on.

- Okay, martin, but could you please hurry?

Because I think my head is swelling.

I think it's swelling!

- Damn, baby, I didn't think

Your head could get no bigger.

- Hey, boy, don't start with me, I swear!

This is very serious!

- Okay, look, I'll tell you what, gina.

I'ma go in the kitchen, get some butter,

Butter you up, and bam, you out of there, baby.

- No! No, martin.

That's how I got into this mess.

- Hey, gina, look at the bright side, baby.

- What bright side, martin?

- Maybe if you stand next to the tv,

We can get free pay-per-view.

Don't put no more pressure on your head, gi.

- What can I say about martin's best friends, tommy and cole?

It's always safe to say that one thing about tommy is,

He still ain't got no job.

And cole, well,

You got to love a man who makes martin look like a genius,

No matter how bad he's trippin'.

The only trouble with cole

Is that if you don't keep an eye on him,

Somebody could get hurt.

Martin, look at cole.

- Cole...

No, you are not clipping

Your crusty-a*s toenails up in here, man.

- Just one more.

[Cracking]

- [Screaming]

[Screaming]

But no matter how many times tommy and cole mess up,

Martin can be sure of one thing:

They've always got his back.

Like the time they thought I was trying to k*ll him

For some insurance money.

- She's probably back at your crib right now.

- Not at the crib.

- Right this second, right now.

Setting you up

To make it look like an accident.

- Something wrong with you, cole.

No, I'm serious.

Something really wrong with you.

You know that gina would never do anything to hurt martin

For any amount of money.

I don't care how much it is.

$ Million?

I'dkill you for $ million!

- For $ million, I'd k*ll myself.

- You got to taste this, babe.

Got to taste this.

I worked on this all day.

Have some. Open up, baby.

- Ah... Oh, baby, your hair look--

Who did your hair?

- Me. - Girl, your hair look--

Your hair lookin' like the b*mb.

I say your hair lookin' like the b*mb.

- Really? - Yeah!

Turn around. Let me see.

Girl... Give me that.

Ugh.

Mm, mm.

Mm, mm, mm.

That steak was the b*mb.

- There's an old saying:

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Well, martin has his share of enemies,

But none of them is closer

Or knows how to get on his nerves better

Than my best friend, pam.

- Hi, good morning.

You look... Terrible, as usual.

- How come in just woke up

But you're the one with the morning breath?

Now, there's a pizza place about four blocks from here.

But the only person I know that can make it in this blizzard

Is the abominable snow-pam.

- Why can't you go, martin?

I mean, we could just get a big rubber band

And fling your little a*s right over there.

- I'm wit' it. - You in?

- Now, how we getting up out of here

With all the people outside?

- Bam-bam, there it is.

We just saddle up pam

And just gallop right through the...

Gallop right through the crowd, just...

Right through there.

- Whatever, arsenio small.

Oh, martin, you know what?

That is so sweet.

You let the baby sleep in your bed.

- It doesn't take a genius to work in tv.

Now, be for real. I mean, look at you.

- And it doesn't take a genius

To catch a frisbee in your mouth, now, does it?

Ah!

- Pam! Stop, pam!

Pam, let him go!

Pam!

- Stay tuned for more ofthe best ofmartin.

- Who is the real martin?

Well, there's the hard-working martin

Who has a career in radio and tv.

Then there's the sweet-talking martin,

Who's the husband, the lover, and friend.

But what really makes martin martin

Is the side of him that thinks he's a fighter.

And whether he's taking on the king of pop,

A giant rat,

Or the world champion tommy "the hit man" hearns,

You know he will always give it his best shot...

Before he goes down for the count.

- Yo, michael, I'ma tell you, you better beat it, man.

You better beat it.

- Tito!

- Ugh! Oh, ugh!

- What's up?

- No, michael didn't swing on me.

- I think there's a puppy in our room.

- Oh, gina...

That ain't no damn puppy.

That ain't no damn puppy!

- [Screaming]

Baby, get him.

- I love you, baby! I love you!

- Huh? I love you.

- Oh, no!

- This could hurt.

[Loud crash]

- I don't want to fight no more.

Is the swelling going down?

- Yeah, way down.

Yeah.

Shrunk a little.

- Can I have a kiss?

Yeah.

I understand.

- The way martin fights,

It's a good thing he has a woman in his corner

Who can take charge of a situation,

Who knows how to resolve conflicts

In a dignified way.

I'm a little cold, and I need

To get some change for some hot chocolate, please?

- I said I don't have any change.

Now, get out of here.

- Now, get out of here. That's what he said.

That's what he said.

- Okay.

Knock-knock, hi.

- What, are you slow?

Did you just get off the short yellow bus?

I said we don't have--

- You gonna give me some change!

Give me some change! Give me some change!

Come on!

[Shouting indistinctly]

- You hang with martin long enough,

You're definitely gonna run into some strange people,

Like roscoe, the runny-nosed little kid,

Or martin's mama,

Or otis the security guard.

- With this taser,

You got to keep the safety latch on at all times.

If you don't do that, you do something stupid--

Hey!

- Or the player of all players, jerome.

They tell me I look like denzel washington.

Your name must be candy,

Because you look so sweet.

- My boyfriend is right over there, okay?

- I guess you're talking about

The little big-eared guy over there.

Let me tell you, if you want to get with a winner,

You got to drop that chicken dinner.

You hear me?

You got to get rid of your friendzo

If you want to ride in the benzo.

- Of course, if they handed out prizes for the strange,

The blue ribbon would go to a girl

Who lives right across the hall,

My girl sheneneh jenkins.

Oh my goodness.

- How would you like a little live entertainment?

- Sure, no problem.

- You like that?

All right.

Bam.

Who the hell you beepin' at?

Oh, no you didn't. Oh, no you didn't.

I will hurt you hard!

- Put your ugly face back in the car!

- Oh, no you didn't! Oh, no you didn't!

- Hey, sheneheh, will you guys

Shut up and get back in this car?

Come on.

- Is that your wife,

Or is your dog walking backwards?

Okay, do you know anything about pedicures?

- Yeah, I do one.

- Okay, then do mine.

- Now, be careful of that raw patch on my big toe.

And see that corn?

You got to file that corn down,

'Cause I can't hardly dance.

- Ugh.

- Sheneneh!

- Look.

- Girl, what did you do?

You don't file like that.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, please, okay?

You got to go to work on myra's feet.

- Mm-hmm. - Ugh, yes.

[Tool buzzing]

- Oh, ooh.

Ooh, sheneneh!

Oh, I love it!

Oh!

Oooh.

- Some of the show's funniest moments

Aren't in the script.

It's the unpredictable mistakes

And the behind-the scenes craziness you get

With a talented cast who's really having fun,

And on the set ofmartin,

That's practically every day.

So here are a few of our favoritemartinouttakes.

- I got friends.

I'm always gonna be all right.

You follow me? All right, okay.

Now...

Mm-hmm, what's wrong?

- False start.

- Yes, got it.

- All right.

- Oh!

Ohhh!

- Well, look, I've got to run now, okay?

Ow! Ooh, [bleep]!

Uh...

[Laughs]

Eh...

[Laughter]

- I'm just--i'm--

I don't want to hear it.

I don't want to--

[Jibberish]

[Jibberish]

[Jibberish]

Now, look.

I'm glad-- [laughs]

- What is happening?

- Pam! - You don't know me!

- Come on!

- Oh, my!

- Martin, martin...

Hey!

- I got his scarf!

- Aw, gina, you ain't bring me nothing to eat?

Let's try that--the octave, the octave.

Heyyyy!

Eeeeh!

All right, here we go.

Aw, gina, you ain't bring me nothing to eat?

Oh, baby, you ain't bring me nothing to eat?

Hey, I'm trying different emotions,

How to say that line.

Oh, come on, now, baby.

You didn't bring me nothing to eat?

- Aw, baby, I know--

Thanks for joining us.

I hope you had as much fun watching the show

As we did making it.

And now that I think about it, we should have called this show

The best ofmartinso far,

'Cause I promise you this,

The best ofmartin is yet to come.

Peace.

- Oh, baby... You know what?

- What?

- This vacation food's one thing, gina.

But as long as the two of us together,

Nothing else matters, baby.

Ahh!