05x05 - A Jack Story

[bunniefuu]

[Theme music playing]

♪ there's a time for
love and a time for livin' ♪

♪ so take a chance
and face the wind ♪

♪ an open road and
a road that's hidden ♪

♪ a brand-new life
around the bend ♪

♪ there were times ♪

♪ i lost a dream or two ♪

♪ found the trail ♪

♪ and at the end was you ♪

♪ there's a path you take
and a path not taken ♪

♪ the choice is
up to you, my friend ♪

♪ nights are long,
but you might awaken ♪

♪ to a brand-new life ♪

♪ brand-new life ♪

♪ a brand-new life
around the bend ♪

I say we eat.

I say we wait.

I say angela has held us up
long enough.

And if she doesn't like us
starting without her,

Then it's tough noogies
on blondie.

Tony:
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Leave angela's noogies
out of this.

Come on.

What's with angela
anyway?

She's been working late
every night this week.

Ah, business is booming.

Sometimes I just have
to take the phone off the hook.

I told angela stop trying
to do it all herself

And to get
some professional help.

Too late for that.

She's burned out
every shrink in connecticut.

[Phone ringing]

I'll get it.

Hello.

Whom shall I say
is calling?

Judy? Okay.

Oh, dad,
judy's on the phone.

Who's judy?

Tony: all right, all right,
all right, all right.

It's just the teaching
assistant from school.

Nobody special.

Do you mind?

Hi judy.

Hi, how you doing?

Yeah. Oh, a movie, huh?

Oh gee, I'm sorry,
I got a paper to do. Yeah.

It's on the reasons behind
the fall of the roman empire.

I'm zeroing in
on the too much pizza theory.

Yeah, I thought it was kinda
clever myself.

Yeah, well, okay.

All right, yeah.
But thanks for asking.

Okay. I'll see you
on the quad.

Okay, bye.

Dad, you're giving up
a date to do homework?

She must be a real
kibble muncher.

Just happens to be very cute
and what a personality.

Kibble muncher.

Hello, hello, hello!

Oh, angela, I'm sorry
we started without you.

I tried to talk them
into waiting.

Angela: it's okay.
I brought home a surprise.

Everybody in
the living room.

I didn't finish--
come on, come on.

I want to show you
what I brought home.

Mona: oh, angela...

A man.

You shouldn't have.

I want all of you to meet

The new creative director
of the bower agency,

Jack ballantine.
Hello.

Jack, this is my mother, mona,

My son, jonathan,

My housekeeper,
tony micelli,

And his daughter, samantha.
Hi, how you doing?

So...what does
a creative director do?

Well, in my case, just sit
around all day and act goofy.

What do you know--

I'm a creative director.

Tony: jack,
let me tell you,

I'm glad you signed on
with angela.

Because she's been
working way too hard.

And now, you can work
way too hard.

No problem. Is it too early
to ask for a raise?

Yes.

Hey listen, aren't you
the same tony micelli

Who played second base
for the cards?

Well, indeed I am.

You know, I saw you play
a bunch of times.

Didn't you once hit
a grand slam against the mets?

Oh, jack, if it lives
in your memory,

Then it happened.

Oh! I love this guy, angela.
I love him.

You've done it again.

Done what?
Tony: managed to hire a witty,

Dazzling,
and delightful employee.

I don't know
where you find us.

Jack: well, I don't
wanna keep you nice people

From your dinner, I just
came by to pick up some files.

House rules, come for files,
stay for chicken.

No, I couldn't impose.

Tony's a chef
extraordinaire.

All right, I lied.
I could impose.

All right. Yeah.
All right.

Angela: perfect.
And afternoon, we'll get a jump

On the "sid's potato chip"
account.

I feel
jumpy already.

Okay, hey, hors d'oeuvres
coming up!

Angela: jack, please.
Come on, sit down.

Make yourself comfortable.

Hey, uh...jonathan,

Do you like magic?

You bet!

Okay. Well, now,
when I first learned

This trick, it was
with a quarter,

But inflation
being what it is...

A dollar!
Huh?

Wow!

Did you see that, sam?

Neato!

Yeah, neato.

Can you make little
blond kids disappear?

Now, you look like
a woman of expensive tastes.

What do you say we change
this dollar bill into...

A $10 bill!

Jack!

Nice work.

Where do you have
to look to find 100?

Okay. Okay.
Who feels like a wiener?

Tony, you should have seen
jack do magic, he was great.

Tony: oh, yeah, yeah?
Well, you know,

Not for nothing, uh,

I happen to do
a little magic myself.

Uh, mona...

What's that
behind your ear?

Dad, jack already did that one.

Oh. Ah, well...

Well, try another one, tony.

Well, that's
pretty much my act.

Well, I have another one.

Oh, great.
Show us.

Angela: all those?

Yeah, but can he bake
a cherry pie?

Sid's potato chips--
an experience in salt.

Sid's potato chips--

Sodium you can sink
your teeth into.

[Laughter]

Angela: I love the sodium angle!

Ha ha ha!

High blood pressure--

It's not just
for breakfast anymore.

I k*ll myself!

Oh!

Oh tony, I'm sorry.
Did we wake you?

No, angela, I just got up
to milk the cow.

[Laughter]

Do you guys realize
it's 4:00 in the morning?

Sorry, we just got carried away.

Yeah, we've been
trying to find

Something to brag
about with this chip.

It sure isn't the taste.

Sure is a lot
of merriment down here.

It's kind of infectious.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

The company asked us
to hone in on the freshness.

Right.

I got it.

I got it! I got it!

Are you ready for this?
You're going to love it.

You're going to love it,
you ready?

"Goodbye, mr. Chips."

What, don't you get it?
Don't you get it?

They're so good
and so fresh,

They disappear.

Goodbye!

You like it, huh?

You hate it?

Tony, don't feel bad.

We've been working
on this for hours.

If we get anything,
it will be a miracle.

That's it!
What's it?

We open the commercial
with a guy

Sitting on the couch
watching tv.

He reaches for a bag
of sid's potato chips,

He opens the plastic
resealable bag,

Bites into a chip,

And wham!

His face lights up.

The voice-over
comes on--

"Sid's potato chips.

So fresh,
it's a miracle."

Wham! The guy's transported
to the red sea,

Bites into a chip,

The red sea parts.

It's a miracle. Right?

I love it! I love it, jack!

You are terrific,
I am a genius for hiring you.

And I'm a genius
for accepting the job.

We're both geniuses.

If you two einsteins
don't mind,

I think I'll go
catch some zs.

Angela: tony,
we'll go in the kitchen

So we don't disturb you.

You're a genius.

Good night, jack.

Good night, tony.
Good night, tony.

Ow.

Got a crick
in my neck.

Doctor jack
to the rescue.

Get on your back.

Excuse me?

Jack: I know
acupressure reflexology,

All that trendy stuff,
come on, come on.

Give me your toes.

My toes?

Her toes?

Jack: trust me.

The fault,
dear angela,

Lies not
in thy neck,

But in thy toes.

Angela: jack, no.

Jack: yes.
Angela: no.

Yes.
No--yes!

Oh!

Oh, that's nice.

Okay, guys,
watch this, okay?

Now, you see it?

Now, it's all over the table.

Maybe next time,
you should try powdered milk.

You know, that's weird,
it worked when jack did it.

Yeah, well maybe jack
should clean it up.

You know, I'm glad mom
hired him.

He's so much fun.

Yeah, and you know for an adult,
he's pretty hip.

He even knows
who bono is.

Tony: oh, big deal, sam.

Everybody knows
cher's ex-husband.

And anyway, it's bono.

Dad, I'm talking about u2.

Me two, what?

Forget it.

Uh, sam,

Your eggs okay?

Yeah.

You want any more juice?
No thanks.

You think
jack's cute?

What?

I said you want
any more juice?

No. You asked
about jack.

Well, since you
brought him up,

You--you think jack's
the kind of guy

That women find, uh...

I don't know...cute?

No way. I mean,
he's a really nice guy,

But he's not going to break
the needle on the drool meter.

Tony: good, yeah.
That's what I thought, too.

You know what, sam?

Me and you have
the same taste in men.

Great.

Well, it's time
to learn.

Come on, jonathan.
I'll drop you off at school.

Sam, do you think I could sit
in the front seat this time?

No.

Have a good day, guys.

Good morning.

Good morning,
angela.

Isn't life wonderful?

You bet it is.

Tony, you know,
I want to thank you

For pushing me
to hire someone.

Hey, what are
friends for?

Jack is just so great
to work with.

He's witty, he's charming,
and he's cute.

Cute?

I mean, I really
hadn't thought about it.

Well, in a woody allenish
kind of way.

You know, when you connect
with people up here,

Yeah, here.

You just see them in
a whole different light.

God, jack
stimulates me.

Sam: well, why you
are dressed up?

Tony: oh, well,
I have a date with judy.

Judy? I thought you didn't
want to go out with her.

Well, I've been
thinking it over.

You know, I gotta
get out more.

I mean, you're always out
with your friends.

Angela's working late
with jack all the time.

And, jonathan has all those
slimy creatures

To play with,
and so does mona.

[Doorbell chimes]
oh!

There's judy now.

Wait a minute.

You're letting her
pick you up?

Well, she insisted.

I'm impressed.

It's almost the '90s,

And you finally caught
up with the '70s.

I come
a long way, baby.

Have fun.
Okay, baby.

Hi, judy.

Hi, tony.

Well, come on in.

We got a plenty of time
before the movie

And anyway, my boss is going
to be down in a minute.

I really want her
to see you--

I mean, meet you.

Have a seat. Have a seat.

You look lovely.

Oh, thanks.

Hey listen,
I hope you don't mind me

Picking you up.
You see, I have my reasons.

My ex-husband picked
me up on our first date,

And the marriage
ended in ruins.

I needed to break
the mold.

Okay.

Seems fair.

Anyway, you said
on the phone that you were

Really looking
forward to tonight?

Yeah, sure. I mean,
besides going out with you,

I mean, I haven't seen
some like it hot in years.

And that scene in the
sleeper car really cracks me up.

Ed--that's
my ex-husband--

He used to say
that was our movie.

Those words came back
to cruelly mock me

When he ran off
with his secretary.

Ah...

Judy, why are we going
to see this movie

If you're gonna feel
cruelly mocked?

Can't run away
from it forever.

Oh, that's
the attitude.

Tell you what,
let's look at today

As a point of new beginnings.

You're right,
you're right.

Enough
of my problems.

Oh. Isn't it amazing
how tony curtis

Could turn himself
into an attractive woman,

Not unlike the bimbo
when she stole my man,

My house, and my mazda.

Well, the good thing is
you're not bitter.

Hey, what's
the point?

Yeah. I'll tell you what.
Let's--

Actually, I liked
the cheap sl*t

When I met her.

Little did I know
that she would plunge me

Into the worst nightmare
of my life.

Judy, maybe we should talk
about something else.

What's the matter?
No stomach for a page

Out of the book
of life?

Listen, it all started
when they began

Working really long
hours together.

Long hours?

Their work nights
got longer and longer.

Ed stopped spending
any time with me.

He didn't need me anymore.

Well, that's awful.

What do you know?

Look, I'm sorry.
This wound is very fresh.

I thought I was ready
to date, clearly, I'm not.

But, judy--

Some other time.

Tony: but judy,
wait, wait, wait.

Ju-ju-ju-ju--

Tony, if you need me,
I'll be at jack's.

Huh?

I said I'll be at jack's.

Jack's? What, again?

Hey angela, what is it,
don't you two take a break?

Oh, tony,
he is working out so great,

That I'm thinking
of giving him

A piece of the potato
chip account.

Hey, hey angela.

You think you're giving away
a little too much

A little too soon, I mean,
before long

He'll want a piece of this
and a piece of that.

You'll be giving away pieces
all over the place.

It is so sweet
of you to worry.

But I know what I'm doing.
I'm a big girl.

Tony: yeah, but...

Oh, my,
don't you look spiffy.

Is this a special night?

Sort of. I'm going
to defrost the refrigerator.

Tony, I've been thinking
you should get out more. Bye.

I feel so...

Cruelly mocked.

Dad, I just wanna let you know
that bonnie's coming over.

That we're going to get
something to eat

And then we're gonna go
to the library.

Okay.

And yes, I have
my heavy sweater on,

And, yes, I will
be home by 10:00.

That's good.

And then I'm going
to the airport

To marry a hare krishna.

That's nice.

Dad. Wake up.
Are you still upset

About what happened
last night with judy?

No, sam. I'm fine.
Really, I'm fine.

Come on dad,
get it off your chest.

You'll feel a lot better.

Sam, I don't want
to burden you

With my troubles.

Dad. I am not
just your daughter,

I am your friend.

I'm here to listen,
to give you advice,

And to make you
feel better.

Oh, well. Okay.

See, sam, it all started--
[horn honks]

Bonnie's here.
Got to bail.

Thanks, sam.
You're a rock.

I don't mean
to alarm you,

But your shorts
are on fire.

Whoa!

Have you seen angela's
red notebook?

Yeah. It's right
over there. Why?

I've got to messenger
it to her.

She's not
coming home tonight.

Not coming home?
Why, where is she?

At the plaza.

She and jack have
a presentation in the morning

And they're staying over.

Staying over?

Yeah, you know how it works.
You check into a room,

They put chocolates
on your pillow,

You steal their towels.

That's not all jack's
trying to steal, mona.

Everything else
is nailed down.

I'm talking about
the bower agency.

Jack is trying to steal
it away from angela.

Tony, you've been sniffing
too much spray starch.

Oh, yeah mona? Oh yeah?

Let me tell you something.
Jack is a taker.

He's a taker, mona.

Didn't you see him
take that extra helping

Of noodles au gratin
at dinner?

No, that must have
slipped by me.

Tony, come on.

This is
pretty thin stuff.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

That's just what philly copasso
said to his wife

When she told him
about patty laucina.

Are you going to relate
this situation

To a story about
colorful characters

You knew back in brooklyn?

Well, not if you're
going to deride me.

But suffice it
to say

That a good friend of mine
lost his whole business

To someone he trusted,
piece by piece.

Ah...i see
what's going on.

Someone's
jealous.

Jealous?
Of jack? Me?

I laugh. Ha!

Come on, admit it,
you're jealous of all the time

Jack's spending
with angela.

I laugh again. Ha ha!

Come on, I mean, sure,

They're spending
every moment together,

And they eat
all their meals together--

And you know
something mona,

He fooled around
with her big toe!

Tony, you have nothing
to worry about.

Jack is just
a nice, cute guy.

Cute?

Well, you know,
in that woody allenish way.

I know. I know.
I've heard this theory.

Look, my only concern
is to protect

Angela's interest
in the bower agency.

The bower agency.
I've got to call the messenger.

If angela doesn't get
this notebook tonight,

She's gonna blow
her roots.

Just a minute.

I happen to know
a messenger service

That will get this there
right on time.





Champagne, chocolate
mousse, and oysters.

They've got every
aphrodisiac known to man.

Angela: ohh...

God, jack
stimulates me!

No.
Yes.

No--yes!

Could I have
some more noodles?

That does it!

No! Wait a minute!
Wait a minute! What am I doing?

I can't break in
the guy's door.

Angela has her life.
I have my life.

I gotta stop thinking
like this, it's just that...

It's just that, I'm so afraid
of her being seduced.

I mean--i mean, of course,
in a business sense,

But, I mean, even though
she's a big girl,

In a lot of way,
she's a little girl.

You know, she's so trusting.

It would be very easy for her
to lose her whole business

To a guy who's cute in
a woody allenish sort of way.

Do you know
what I'm saying?

ay, si, si!

aqui--aqui
estan estas.

y si
necesita mas,

yo estoy
al otro lado.

I'm going--i've got
to get out of here

Before I do
something crazy!

The play had
a stark, barren quality,

But I found it
uplifting.

You are
so stimulating!

Angela: ohh...

Oh, what the heck.

Oof! Ow!

Oh, gee, that works
in the movies.

Tony, what are
you doing here?

The question is,
what are you doing here?

Well, it's, uh,
it's kind of personal.

I bet.

Why, you--

Tony?

Not now, angela.

Why, you--

Hi.

Why, you devil, you!

Tony, I want you to meet
my girlfriend carol.

Nice to meet you tony.

Nice to meet you,
too, carol.

What are you
doing here?

Tony: well, I had to bring
this notebook down here.

And I must have written
the wrong number on the book

And then I knocked on
jack's door by mistake.

Jack: well,
if you'll excuse us...

Yeah. You're
excused, jack.

Hey, go eat
another oyster.

Ahh.

Cute guy.

You didn't have to bring
this all the way down here.

You could've
called a messenger.

Well, messengers, you know,
they're so impersonal,

And I wanted to wish you
good luck for tomorrow.

I am so lucky.

You're always
watching out for me.

You were a genius
to hire me.

It's the smartest move
I ever made.

Come on, I'll buy you
cup of coffee.

Yeah, uh, here.

Oh, yeah, thanks.
I'll just get my coat.

oh, tony, you want
to hear something funny?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

You know, carol,
jack's girlfriend,

She was getting jealous
of all the time

Jack and I were
spending together.

She thought
we were...

Having an affair.

Some people, huh?

Shall we? Yeah.

Tony: who's the boss?
will be back in a moment.

stick around.

You shouldn't try to lift
the refrigerator

When you mop the floor.

Oh, my shoulder.

Now,
according to jack,

Every organ
is connected

To all the nerve endings
in your feet.

Angela, I do not believe
in that stuff.

Here's your liver.

Ahh!

Yeah, see? And I think
this is your spleen.

Ooh.

And this is your--oops!

Ooh! Hey.

[Theme music playing]