05x02 - My Fair Tony

[bunniefuu]

[Theme music playing]

Singer: ♪ there's a time for
love and a time for livin' ♪

♪ so take a chance
and face the wind ♪

♪ an open road and
a road that's hidden ♪

♪ a brand-new life
around the bend ♪

♪ nights are long
but you might awaken ♪

♪ to a brand-new life ♪

♪ brand-new life ♪

♪ a brand-new life
around the bend ♪

Oh, gosh, how could I
oversleep today of all days.

Come on everybody
up and at 'em!

And breakfast on the table
in two minutes!

Just call me
the galloping gourmet.

Good morning.
Table for one?

What's going on?

Oh. Monsieur micelli.

On a gentleman's
first day of ze college,

He should not have to cook
breakfast for himself?

Or anyone else, no?

No.

Oh. How nice.

May I tuck?

Tuck away.

Oh. Thank you.

Hey, well, guys,
this is great

But, you know,
I got an 8:00 class.

Dad, what do you
always tell me

Before I go
to school?

Take off
half your makeup.

Besides that.
"Breakfast is the most

Important meal
of the day."

And he's right.

Pass the jelly doughnuts.

So, tony,
aren't you nervous

About your first
day of school?

I mean, you don't
know anybody.

You have to eat lunch
by yourself.

You might get
thrown in a locker.

Well, well, jonathan,
pal of mine,

All I do is I'll stay friendly,
I'll stay outgoing,

And I'll stay away
from the lockers.

It doesn't work.

Well, look, guys,

Great eats,
but I really got to run.

Oh, okay. Well,
what are you gonna do for lunch?

Well, I think I'll just pick
something up

At the student union.

I always did.

Good morning.

I am professor
elliot darnell,

And this is
public speaking 101.

Oh, he talks good.

In this course,

You will learn to appreciate
the beauty of
the english language

And how to communicate
it effectively.

I demand
total commitment,

Regular attendance,

And on those rare occasions
when I make a joke,

I expect you to laugh.

[Laughs]

What is
your name, sir?

Jimmy lesser.

Obsequious, aren't we,
mr. Lesser?

Yes, sir. Thank you.

I am a fair man.

I give fair warning.

Therefore, if anyone here
is not prepared

For a challenging
semester

Of diligent work,

That large wooden
rectangle is a door.

Use it now.

Your first assignment is
to describe yourselves

Using as few words
as possible.

Excuse me. When is
that assignment due?

Now. You're first.

Hi. Uh, my name's
cynthia taylor.

But before I begin,
professor darnell,

I just wanna tell you

How very, very happy I am
to be taking your class.

I've heard
so much about you.

Thank you, ms. Taylor.
You may be seated.

But I haven't told you
anything about me yet.

Oh, yes, you have.

All right then.

Who's next?

You.

Uh, me?

Which word
didn't you understand?

Uh, well, okay. Yeah.
Here goes.

I'm, uh--
I'm tony micelli, uh,

And I used to, uh, once, uh,
play second base

For the cards,
you know, the redbirds.

And, uh, I got a beautiful
daughter named sam.

And, uh...
Well, uh, what else--

What else I can say, uh,
in a--in a nutshell.

Uh, I'm going
to college to, uh...

Improve myself.

That is astonishing.

That is
absolutely amazing.

Well, what can I say?

I got the gift of gab,
you know.

Mr. Micelli, in that
brief introduction,

You manage to violate more rules
of speech and grammar

Than I would ever
thought possible.

That bad, huh?

"Huh"?

Allow me to add guttural phrases
to the list.

Public speaking

Is not just a course,
mr. Micelli.

It's a way of life.

You are judged by
the words you choose

And how you use them.

Therefore,
you are how you speak.

Now speak!

Well, i, uh...

I, uh, uh...

I, uh...

I was, uh, I was...

"Out of order", huh?

You and me both.

Hi.

How about a nice fresh
homemade sandwich?

Angela, what are you
doing here?

Oh. Thought I just come
surprise you

And bring lunch.
Surprise!

Oh.

Gee. This is
so nice of you.

I know.
I'm wonderful.

So, how was your first day
at college?

Uh, you know.
It was, uh... Collegiate.

Hey.

Tony.

Bill. From your
public speaking class.

Oh. Uh, you must have
the wrong guy.

No. It's you.
How could I forget.

You were the one
professor darnell

Ripped apart in front
of the whole class.

I'd die if that
happened to me.

Well, uh...

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Now I remember.

Tony, what happened?

Oh. It was nothing,
angela.

Bill: nothing? Tony
introduces himself, right?

And basically darnell
squashes him like a snail.

Stomp, crunch, ooze.

Well, it wasn't
that bad.

Yes, it was.

Uh, this professor's
a real stiff, angela.

I mean, uh, he makes english
sound like a foreign language.

I'll give you an example.

"Thus, allow me to eradicate
a common misconception."

Professor darnell.

Hey, guys.
Come here for a second.

What professor does
this most remind you of?

"Uh, if any of you students,
are not prepared

For a challenging semester
of diligent study,

That large
wooden rectangle-- "

Is a door.

Use it now.

Uh-oh.

Uh, professor darnell.

Uh, I was just
copying the master.

You know what they say
about imitation

Being the sincerest
form of flattery.

Are you--are you buying
any of this?

That is a kind of behavior
one would expect

To find at a junior high,

Not at an institution
of higher learning.

Uh, you're right,
professor.

I--uh, I didn't mean
to be offend you.

It was just, uh,
you know,

A kinda lame excuse
for humor.

"Kinda"?

Mr. Micelli,
language skills

Are the building blocks
of education.

Since you appear
to be blockless,

I strongly suggest
you reconsider

Attending this college.

Uh, well,
you know, professor,

I'm really sorry
about what I said,

But, uh, um,
I'm here to stay.

And, uh,
nuttin' you could say

Is gonna stop me
from getting my degree.

"Nuttin'"?

Nuttin' I can say?

Then we shall be together
three times a week

For the next four months.

And nuttin' could
please me more.

"Nuttin'"?

Uh, least he didn't
throw me in a locker.

Tony,
you'll do fine.

You'll win him over.

Oh, come on, angela.

I'm not gonna learn
nothing from that guy.

He doesn't want students.

He wants clones,

An army--
an army of little darnells,

Their tongues marching
in goosestep.

What a jerk.

Well, the jerk
does have a point.

It's a small point.

It's a tiny point.

It's a pinpoint.

Well, what's
your point, angela?

Well, someday
you might wanna look

For another job.

And how you present yourself
makes a difference.

Oh-hey. Hey-oh,
are you saying the way I talk

Is gonna hold me back?
It might.

It just depends on
what you wanna do.

All right. All right.
Well, uh,

Let's say I come to you
for an advertising job.

You don't know me.

You'd hire me,
wouldn't you?

Well, you are personable

And, um, enthusiastic.
Well, yeah.

Don't forget incredibly cute
and fun at parties.

Those too.

Yeah.
So, there you go.

It's, um...

It's just--
it's not that simple.

See, when you're hiring
a prospective employee,

There are lots of
variables to consider.

It's a very competitive
job market out there,

And you just--

You have to make
the best impression

You possibly can.

You wouldn't hire me,
would you?

I wouldn't.

Well, gee, angela,
I just have two things to say.

I mean, first,
that's a pretty rotten thing

To say to
your best friend.

And second...

Thanks.

"Amist the midts
and coldest frosts

With stoutest hearts

And loudest...
Uh, uh-uh.

It's amidst the mists.

That's what I said.

No. You said,
"amist the mits".

Oh.

Don't get frustrated.
Don't get frustrated.

It's only been a few days.

You are getting
so much better.

Oh. Better
is not good enough.

I have to talk
as good as darnell.

Speak.

All right.
Right.

I have to speak
as good as darnell.

As well.

Right. Right.

I have to speak
as well as darnell.

Anything else?

Yes. Now, say it.
Don't spray it.

Oh.

I have to speak
as well as darnell.

I have to speak
as well as darnell.

Both: I have to speak
as well as darnell.

I have to speak
as well as darnell.

We have to move
to another house.

What's with you two?

You used to be normal.

Samantha, you are
witnessing the birth

Of a new and improved
tony micelli.

I kinda like
the old one better.

Let me tell you
something.

He is the thing
of the past

And so as some
of his phrases, you know.

Like--
like, instead of saying

"Not for 'nutting' but",

Now, we say,

"Don't take this personal,
however", huh?

And--and in of lieu
of "hey-oh", "oh-hey",

We say, "excuse me,
but I object

To that statement
you just made."

You understand?

Yeah.
But I liked you better

When your participle
dangle.

Mona.

Fourscore and
seven years ago,

Our fathers
brought forth

Upon this continent

A new nation

Conceived in liberty

And dedicated
to the proposition

That all men
are created equal.

Any comments?

Why, mr. Micelli.

What a surprise.

You have
something to say.

Uh, yes, I do,
professor darnell.

Regarding mr. Lincoln's
use of the phrase,

"Fourscore and
seven years ago,"

Wouldn't it have been more
economical to have just said,

"87 Years ago"?

That's, uh...

That's fascinating.

That is, uh, a point

Actually worthy
of discussion.

Economy was not the
only consideration.

What about the mood

Created by the poetry
of the words?

Ah. But is not clarity
even more important?

How was 19th century man

Expected to understand
such complex verbiage?

After all, he was hardly
as educated as we.

However, we must
bear in mind

That clarity was perhaps

Not mr. Lincoln's
main objective.

His main objective
was to inspire.

And that he did.

Well, I acquiesce.

Uh...

Any other
observations?

Mr. Micelli.

It also strikes me
that the qualifier,

Upon this continent,
seems unnecessary.

Where else
would our fathers

Have brought forth
this nation?

Rio?

Get it?

That is a very
provocative thesis.

Thank you.

You've actually given us
something to think about.

Well, thank you,
professor darnell.

I--i owe it all it you.

[Kiss kiss]
[kiss kiss]

A brief reminder, class.

Next week will be
your first public speech.

And since it's difficult
to procure an audience

For this event,

You're each required
to bring one guest.

Yes, mr. Micelli.

Uh, can I bring
more than one?

You mean may I
bring more than one.

And the answer is yes,
you may.

I marvel
at his tutelage.

[Bell rings]

Class dismissed.

Uh...mr. Micelli.

Yes, sir?

I must tell you
how duly impressed I am

By your
extraordinary progress.

Would you
care to join me

At a meeting of
the oratorical society?

It's winston
churchill night.

Ohh. That's
my favorite.

A-e-i-o-u.

A-e-i-o-u.

A-e-i-o-u
and sometimes y.

A-e-i-o-u.

A-e-i-o-u.

A-e-i-o-u.

Tony.

You need a woman.

Mona, I'm just
warming up my instrument.

I rest my case.

A-e-i--

Oh, angela. Angela,
I'm glad to see you,

You want to hear
my speech for tonight?

Well, uh,
after five times,

It kind of
loses something.

You know, it's possible
to go too far.

Well, I mean, angela,
you don't understand

You can't go too far

In your search for
the perfect bon mot.

Won't this be fun,
grandma?

Four solid hours of lectures
by college freshmen.

Four solid hours?

Is this
tuesday night?

I just remembered

I scheduled some
elective surgery.

Don't worry, tony.

I'll tape it
for her.

Okay, buddy.

A-e-i-o-u.

[Telephone rings]

I'll get it!
It's my bonnie.

...i-o-u.

And sometimes y.

Hello.

Oh, hi, philly.

Yeah, he's here.
Hold on.

Hey, dad.
It's philly.

"Hey," sam?

Hay is for horses.

Can't you come up with
a better word than "hey"?

You're right, dad.

Yo, it's philly.

Give me the phone here.

Hello, philly.

Well, yes, I'd love to go
to the jets game.

When?

Oh, monday night.

I'm sorry.
I'm otherwise engaged.

Well, I would cancel, philly.
Yes, I would.

But it's
edwin newman night.

Oh, yes. And he's going to
be speaking

On euphemisms, aphorisms,
and terse rejoinders.

Oh, it's going to
be so exciting.

Phillip--philip that language
hardly becomes you--

Hello?

Hello.

Dad, what's with you?

Uh, samantha, I believe
the phrase is

"What's wrong with you?"

No. It's what's
with you?

I can't even talk
to you anymore.

You're like a totally
different person.

Huh.

What's--what's
her problem?

Well, why don't, uh--

Why don't we not worry
about it now right now?

Come on. You'll gonna be late
for your speech.

Okay. Yeah.
Sure. A-e-i-o-u.

Old tony: hey-oh!

The kid's right.

Who are you?

Edwin newman.
Who do you think?

[Laughs]
well, make fun if you must,

But I have just decided
to expand my horizons.

Well, la-de-da.

Let me tell you
something, pal.

You were doing
all right

When you talked
like me.

You got
into college,

You were president
of the parents' association.

And I never heard
no complaints

From the benedetti
twins.

Well, we didn't
talk that much.

I know.
I was there.

Oh, listen, I have
just made a choice

To better myself.

I mean, I have a thirst
for knowledge.

Hey, look, banana,
if you're so thirsty,

Why don't you get yourself
a drink of water, huh?

I mean--i mean,
listen to yourself.

You're starting to sound
like a real phony.

Phony? moi?

Oh, that's it.

I give up on you.

[Car horn honks]

Well, I'd--i'd love to stay
and chat a while,

But my podium awaits.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

Go flap your gums,
genius.

But remember

When you're up there
behind that podium,

Just think about who's really
doing the talking.

Every teacher dreams
of finding a student

Who will fulfill
his expectations.

Four weeks ago,

Such a student walked
into my classroom.

Since then,

Through hard work,

Dedication, and adherence
to my principles,

He has transformed himself

Into an effective
and eloquent speaker.

It is my
very great pleasure

To present to you...

Tony micelli.

[Applause]

All right, dad!
Whoo! Whoo!

Thank you,
professor darnell.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

The subject
of my presentation is

Financial support
for collegiate athletes.

It is my contention

That the cost benefit
analysis--

[Blowing raspberry]

Tony: as I was saying,

It is my contention

That the cost benefit
analysis

Makes it abun...

[Yawns]

Mr. Micelli?

Oh, um, I'm sorry,
professor darnell.

Uh...

Uh...look. I had
this--this whole speech

Prepared for you
tonight, you know.

Prepositions
and suppositions

Up to the
heretofore.

But you don't want
to hear any of this,

So--so let me just tell you
a little story, okay?

Once upon a time,
there was, uh, this kid

Who played little
baseball in high school.

Let's call him tony.

It's a nice name.

Anyway, if somebody
would have come up to tony

Back then in high school
and said to him,

"Hey, kid. How would you like
to keep playing baseball,

And go to school,
and we'll pay for it too?",

Well, I'm telling you

Tony would have
jumped for joy.

We're talking
dancing in the streets.

Unfortunately, though,
nobody said that to him.

But through hard work,

Tony made it
to the majors.

And everything
was going great,

Until one day,
he got hurt.

And boom.
His career was over.

And now there he stands.
No career, no job,

No education,
no nothing.

See, my point
is real simple.

There are a lot
of tonys out there

With a talent

And--and the talent to be
their best they can be.

And we shouldn't take that
chance away from them.

They deserve our support.

Don't take their future
away from them.

Thank you, and let's
play some ball, huh?

[Applause]

[Whistles]

That concludes our program
for this evening.

Thank you very much
for coming.

That was great, dad.

Tony, you were good,

But that guy
with that plaque speech

Really blew me away.

You were wonderful.

Mr. Micelli?

Now, it that may not
be unanimous.

Uh, yes, professor.

Very interesting
speech--

Persuasive,
well-organized,

And in violation of
nearly every principle

That I've tried
to drill into you.

Well, uh, you know
what they say?

A guy's got to do
what a guy's got to do.

Does that cliche mean

We just have heard
your swan song?

Uh, no. Uh, in fact,
professor darnell,

I--i've decided
to tough it out.

Good. So long as
you understand

That the key word there
is tough.

Yes, sir.
Um, by the way, professor,

I'm going to have to miss
the edwin newman bash.

I've, uh--
I've got jets tickets.

Oh, you have
jets tickets.

Personally,
I prefer the giants.

Well, you would.

Tony: who's the boss?
will be back in a moment.

stick around.

Well, welcome back.

We missed you.
Yeah.

I guess i--i did go
a little overboard

On that speech stuff.

Oh, well, going overboard
is a natural reaction

To your first
experience in college.

I call it freshmanitis.

I remember
when I took psych 101.

Oh. I got so involved
and moved the couch

Into the girl's dorm...
Uh, angela, angela, angela.

I believe you.

Come on.
Okay.

The point is, college isn't
supposed to change you.

It's supposed to
bring out the best in you.

Yeah.

Old tony: hey-oh.

You listen to the lady.

She knows what
she's talking about,

And, uh...
She's cute, too.

Well,
that's for sure.

What was that?

Uh, oh, nothing.

I was-- I was just
saying to myself

That you were right,

And, uh...
You know something?

You're awfully cute.

You do have
a good mind.

[Theme music playing]