05x01 - Sam's Car

[bunniefuu]

[Theme music playing]

Singer: ♪ there's a time for
love and a time for livin' ♪

♪ so take a chance
and face the wind ♪

♪ an open road and
a road that's hidden ♪

♪ a brand-new life
around the bend ♪

♪ there were times ♪

♪ i lost a dream or two ♪

♪ i found the trail ♪

♪ and at the end was you ♪

♪ there's a path you take
and a path not taken ♪

♪ the choice is
up to you, my friend ♪

♪ nights are long
but you might awaken ♪

♪ to a brand-new life ♪

♪ brand-new life ♪

♪ a brand-new life
around the bend ♪

Oh, angela,
you're cooking?

Yecchh!

Okay, no angel food cake
for you.

Oh, is that what it is?
Uh-hmm.

It looks like
an albino meatloaf.

Sam's getting
her driver's license,

So I made her a cake.

They're back,
and sam's driving.

This is gonna be great.

Oh, honey. It's so nice
to see you're glad for sam.

Are you kidding? She's my ticket
out of this burgh.

Ladies and gentleman,
may I introduce to you,

Samantha "baby, you can
drive my car" micelli!

Ta-da! Today
I am a driver!

Bravo!
Yay!

Hey, sam,
you think you could drop--

Forget it, squirt.

You got your license, but it
didn't make you a better person.

Tony: get outta here.

Tony: all right. Come on, sam.
Sam, you should've sam.

You should've seen her.
She had the biggest smile
I've ever seen at the dmv.

In fact,
she had the only smile

I've ever seen
at the dmv.

Oh, I don't know.
The guy that gave me my test

Left with a smile.

Tony: come on. Come on, sam.
Tell them how you did.

Come on, tell them.
Okay.

Are you ready
for this?

I got--


She got 100.
Not one answer wrong.

Not one.
Now, go ahead.

Tell them what
your driving examiner said.

-He said--
-he said--he said--

He said he wished sam
could give his wife

Driving lessons, and she's been
driving for 30 years, huh?

Alright. Tell them
what else he said.

Go ahead. Go.

He said I was
the best new driver

He's seen all year.

That's great.

Tony: uh-uh, the best.

The best, none better.

I guess it's
like they say,

"Like father, like sam."

Don't you think it's time
for the presentation

Of you-know-what
to you-know-who?

Oh, right you are, angela.
Right you are.

Okay. Put out your hand,
and close your eyes,

And you'll get
a big surprise.

Not you, mona.

It was worth
a shot.

Sam...

Aah!

I thought, I dreamed,

I daydreamed,
I drew pictures.

Oh, dad, you're the greatest.

I promise to get straight as
for the rest of my life.

Oh. No.

Wow! I never expected
to get my own car.

Uh, oh, uh...

Well, gee, sweetheart, i-i...

I never expected you
to expect that either.

That's why expect I got you
your own keys to the van.

Oh.

Well, this is good, too.
This is good, too.

I mean, really, how lucky
could I get?

I got my license,
my own set keys to the van,

And now we can forget
about the straight as.

Life's just keeps getting
better and better, huh?

All right.

So, does this mean
I could use the van sometimes?

Anytime you like.

Oh, just think of all the fun
you could have.

You could pick up all the girls,
cruise around

Looking for other girls
who are on their way

To the library too.

This is gonna be great.
After lunch,

I'm gonna pick up bonnie,
jeanie, and pam

And we'll go for a drive--

Tony: oh. Oh, no, no.

This afternoon,
I have to run some errands, sam.

Oh, okay. No problem.

We'll go then
when you get back.

Tony: uh, well, sorry, sorry.

Tonight, I have
to pick up philly.

I promised him I'd help him
move out of his house again.

Well then, tomorrow.

Tony: I'm sorry,
I gotta take jonathan

To his soccer game, you know.

Hey, feel free
to use it anytime.

How about now?

Uh, well, yeah, now.
Okay. Well.

I got a few minutes, so we can
go now. Come on, let's go.

No. No, dad.

Not we, me.

Alone. By myself.
Solo.

You mean, you don't want me
to go?

It's almost like
he can read her mind.

Tony: do you mind?

Well, i-i guess
if the state of connecticut

Says you're ready.
Great. Thanks, dad.

Okay.

Oh, my cake. You didn't have
a piece of my cake.

Go, run like the wind.

Uh, sam, honey,
don't forget now.

Full stops and, uh,

When you're parked
in an incline,

Turn your wheels--

I love you, samantha.

[Car engine starts]

She's gone.

Asparagus.

"A."
Brussels sprouts.

"B."
Zucchini.

"Z."

Alphabet soup.

Uh-oh. This
can go anywhere.

[Crash]

What was that?

Oh, it's bonnie!

Oh, and she's driving
a brand-new car!

Sounds like she's breaking it in
pretty good too.

This car is so cool.

Bonnie, my trash can!

I'm really sorry,
mr. Micelli.

You know, they make rubber ones
pop right back out.

Uh-oh, bonnie.

Oh, looks like
you gotta dent, huh?

Well, at least you got your
first dent out of the way, huh?

Yeah.

And your second...

And your third...

And is that squirrel fur?

So, sam,
you really like my car?

This is truly
excellent.

I know, my dad got it for me.

I woke up this morning,

And there it was
in the driveway

With a big red ribbon
on it.

Isn't he the best
or what?

Well, my dad's the best, too.

My dad gave me
my own set of keys

To the van.

All right!

Now we both
have wheels.

Gee, bonnie, that's real nice
of your father

To buy you
a brand-new car. Wow.

Yeah. Well, he was so happy
that I passed my test.

He was about
to give up hope

After I flunked
for the fifth time.

It took you six times
to pass the driver's test?

Anyone can get really nervous
taking that test, dad.

But six times?

What do you say
we go for a drive?

No.

No?

You have things to do.

Things?

Yeah, you know, stuff.

What stuff?
Stuff.

Well, I've got to get
home anyway.

Sam: okay. Well, maybe
we'll go for a drive tonight.

Oh, I don't think so.

Dad.

We'll discuss
this later.

Okay. I'll
call you later then

If I'm still allowed
to use the phone.

Okay. All right.

Bye, bonnie.
Drive safe.

Samantha.

No way can I let you ride
with bonnie behind the wheel.

Why not?

Well, first of all--

[Crash]

I rest my case.

Dad, you're being so unfair.
I am not.

I just saw bonnie pulling out
in a brand-new convertible.

Why is she dragging
our trash can down the street?

I've figured it out.

I've had my license
for three days now,

And I've driven
a total of two minutes.

At this rate,
I will have driven 17 hours

By the end of my life.

Do as I do--
thumb.

Samantha micelli,
come on out!

Have I got
a surprise for you.

What, a monthly bus pass?

Come on, you're
going to love this.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.
Come on. Come on.

voila!

I was gonna tie a ribbon on it,
just like bonnie's dad did,

But I didn't have
enough time.

Or enough ribbon.

What do you think, sam?

Whoa! This is like

One of those cars
in mad max.

Yeah.

Pretty neat, huh?

Dad, this is great,
but I don't get it.

Tony: well, I figured,
with my busy schedule,

You'd never get
a chance to drive the van.

So you have to be 16,
which I'm not crazy about.

And you have to drive, which
I'm really not crazy about.

I will feel
much better knowing

You're driving this
fine american classic.

Sam, when I was growing up,
all the coolest guys

Had cars just like this.

I remember, I went to a drive-in
in one of these.

Yeah. I remember, too.

With six girls.

That's
what I told you, mother

But johnny hampstead didn't
stop smiling for two days.

Angela!

Wow! Really?
Ladies.

La-ladies.

Ladies.

Do you mind?

This is not
your moment.

All right, sam, look.

I know it's not small
and sporty,

But it's perfect for you
for two reasons--

Safe and ty.

That's right. Safety.

Huh?

And then,

I guess get a load of some
of these special features.

This here is two tons
of the finest steel

That detroit
ever turned out,

Complemented by
a heavy duty,

Functional
yet decorative

Rear impact
resistor.

Angela: yes, tony, and it's
the same vibrant color

As all the new
school buses.

That's right, angela.

In my independent survey
of safe colors,

This one
comes out on top.

Then I added a third,

A fourth, and a fifth
rear brake light

So that people will know
when you are stopping.

Or docking.

Get a load of this.

Whoa! Look at the size
of this trunk.

Hello! Hello!
Hello! Hello! Hey!

You could put bonnie
and her car in here.

Huh?

Come on.

Get in,

And get a feeling
for your car.

Come on.

Oh, what a feeling.

All right, okay,
that's no problem.

That's no problem.

I'll just crank up
the seat,

But before I do,

I have one more
surprise for you.

Thank you.
Uh-hmm.

Your very own,

Personalized
license plate.

Samscar?

Right. Right.

This way,
from now on,

Wherever you go,
whatever you do,

Everyone will know
this is your car.

Ain't a happy guy?

[Music playing]

Come on, let's get out of here
before anyone sees us

In the uss humungous.

Bonnie.

I am not embarrassed
by my car.

I'm secure enough not to be
defined by the car I drive.

A car is just a way to get
from point a to point b.

And with my car, we could
get there without even moving.

Hey, sam, nice car.

Yeah. You know, it reminds me
of something.

Wait! Wait!
I got it.

A banana boat.

Man: give me a break.
I mean, a banana boat

Is not that big.

Very funny.
Any more jokes?

Yeah. Yeah, I got one.

What's yellow,
has five tires,

And its own zip code?

Samscar!
Samscar!

Okay.

All right.
All right.

Let me tell
you guys something.

This car is two tons

Of the finest steel
detroit ever made,

Complemented with
heavy duty yet functional

Rear impact resistors,

And it's got two very
important features--

Safe and ty.

That's right, people.
Safety.

In its day,
this was some car.

It still is!

Uh-oh. Major hunk
approaching.

Sam: oh, I'm dying.

Bonnie: it's brad ellis.

I'm dead.

Brad: hi, sam.
Hi, brad.

Don't listen to those guys
out there, okay?

Let me help you
get out of here.

Oh, that would be
great, brad. Thanks.

Control tower
to samscar.

You're cleared
for takeoff

On runways four,
five, and six.

Man: yeah!

Ohh!
Oh!

Can you get it?

You got it.

Yay!
Yay!

Bonnie: don't worry, sam.
Like you said,

You're not defined
by the car you drive.

Sam: oh, shut up, bonnie.

Hi, sam.

Hi.

How are you doing?

Fine.

Funny thing
happened today.

I was driving
down 3rd street,

And I saw
a car parked there

That looked
exactly like yours.

Really?

Oh, I'm sure there's
hundreds of those.

With license plates
that say "samscar?"

Why aren't you parking it
at school?

Comne on, what's going on?
All right.

I park it there because I
don't want anyone to see it.

All the kids make fun of me,
my social life is ruined,

And I can't tell dad because
it would break his heart,

And I'm dying here, angela.

When the kids make fun of you,
does your face turn red,

And palms get sweaty,
and you wanna dig a hole

And crawl into it?

Yeah, exactly.
How did you know?

I have been there
many, many times.

But they never called
your car a banana boat.

No. No. They called me
a banana boat.

That's terrible,
angela. I'm sorry.

What did you do?

I stopped wearing
the yellow toreador pants.

That's a start.

The point is,

Somehow you just get
through these things.

I feel like I can't face
those kids tomorrow.

Well, then the best
thing to do

Is to be honest
with your father

And tell him exactly
how you feel.

What's the next
best thing?

Attention,
attention.

Another new accessory
for sam's car.

Dad, can we talk?

Tony: sure, right after
I install your 5-inch woofers

And your 2-inch tweeters.

You know, dad, I really don't
deserve this.

I don't deserve
any of this,

Especially the car.

Well, you do like the car
though, don't you?

What's not to like?
Yeah.

It's just that it's so expensive
to maintain.

I mean, just the insurance
alone is like...

I just think maybe...

We should...

Sell the car and use the money
for more important things.

Oh, sweetheart.

Nothing,
nothing is more important

Than my little girl.

Is this a selfless kid
or what, huh?

I'm going to get
bigger speakers.

Bonnie: sam, how long do you
have to keep parking your car

In siberia?

My feet hurt.

Well, we could be driving
your car

If you hadn't
smashed it up.

You know, drive-through doesn't
really mean drive through.

Wait a minute.

Where's my car?

Bonnie: I think
we passed it.

Sam: no, I could have sworn
we parked it here.

Bonnie: maybe this
isn't 3rd street.

Sam: sure, it is.

I parked it right in front
of this fence.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, it's gone.

It's like it disappeared
into the bermuda rectangle.

It's been stolen.

Oh, this
is terrible.

This is awful.

This is...

Too good to be true.

All right!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.

I have a $250
deductible,

And you say the car's
only worth $200.

So if it's not found,
I owe you 50 bucks?

Oh, oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

Well, you just
try to collect.

It's the last time
I buy insurance

From the home
shopping show.

You know, I bet they never
find the car.

And if they do, it's gonna be
trashed beyond repair.

Oh, and I really
loved that car!

[Knock on door]

It's all right.

Laying it on a little
thick, aren't we?

I'm looking for
a tony micelli.

Well, uh, that's me.

I'm officer audette.

Uh, come on in.

Yeah, uh,
do you own a '68 olds,

License plate "samscar,"

That was
reported stolen?

You found it?

You found it?
Yes, and--

Oh, isn't that great?
Did you hear that?

Yeah.

It's smile time again.

Audette: well, I do have
some bad news.

It was vandalized
a little bit, man.

Oh, no.
Yeah.

And whoever took it, man,
they really messed it up.

They put an old tire
on the rear bumper

And a bunch of ugly red
reflector strips on the side.

Boy, I'm telling you,
some people are really sick.

You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah. Here's where you
can pick it up, man.

And by the way, man,
you really shouldn't park it

On 3rd street.

A lot of cars
get stolen there.

Wait a minute.
What do you mean 3rd street?

You mean the school
parking lot, right?

Not according
to the report.

But 3rd street is 5 blocks
from the sch--

Oh. Well,

Thanks a lot,
officer.

We appreciate
your time.

Oh, by the way,

Who owns the jag
that's parked out front there?

It's mine. Why?

I parked too far away
from the curb, didn't i?

Audette: well, uh, actually...
It's okay, really.

I'll move it.
It's okay.

What was wrong?

Nothing.
It's a nice car.

Jumpy chick, man.

Dad, let me explain.

Tony: no. No, no, no, sam.

I know exactly
what you're going to say.

You hate the car.

I don't hate
the car.

You hate the car.

Okay. I hate the car.

How could you
say that, sam?

Dad, it's just
that it's so big

And so yellow
and so...

Big.

Everyone made fun
of me.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean
to hurt you.

Well, sam, I didn't
get you this car
to hurt you either.

I mean, if you don't want it,
you don't have to keep it.

All right. Thanks, dad.
You understand.

Great. What kind of trade-in
are we talking?

A 2-door convertible,


We're talking...
Nothing.

A brand new,


Any color
you want.

Excuse me?

Well, sam, this car
is affordable,

It's safe,

And it's yours.

But, dad, you see,
the kids at school--

No. Sam, sam, sam, sam,

There's always going to be
some kids at school

Or some friends of yours
who don't like your shoes

Or your shirt
or your hairdo,

Or your car.

So, I mean, you can either
accept what you have

And be happy,

Or you can go through
the rest of your life

Trying to please
your friends.

It's your choice.

Peer pressure,

Transportation,

Humiliation,

The open road--
open road.

Embarrassment,

Taking 30
of my friends

Wherever they
want to go.

Can we take off
the extra brake lights?

All of them?

Uh...

Um...

Okay. It's a deal.

Deal.

I got an idea.

How about after we pick up
my car,

We go over to burger palace.
My treat.

Are you kidding? I wouldn't
be caught dead in that tank.

Now look, sweetheart,

One of your spark plugs
may be fouled.

So in order to find out
which one,

You have to take out
all the spark plug wires,

Remove all
the spark plugs

Examine them,

And find out which one
is the offending plug, okay?

Then you clean them,
reinstall them,

Put back
the spark plug wires,

And your troubles
are over.

Or you could stick a pencil
in the carburetor.

[Engine starts]

[Theme music playing]