04x17 - The Matriculator

[bunniefuu]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road and
A road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is
Up to you, my friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life ♪

♪ Brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

[HUMMING]

All right. All right.

Dr. Bower, we're
ready for the heart.

Ooh, boy.

Oh, Jonathan,
this isn't a heart.

This is a spleen,

but he'll never
know the difference.

If you stretched
your intestines
from end to end,

they reach 25 feet.

When I'm
lost in the woods,

I'll leave a trail.

That's disgusting.

You're my kind of guy.

Let me have that.

I can't believe Bonnie.

She is so irresponsible.

We're supposed to be
at the Molly Ringwald
film festival,

and she flaked on me.

And for what?

Uh, uh, a date?

No. Some dumb
college prep course.

Ooh, college prep.

Some people have
no priorities.

Bonnie's taking
a college prep course?

Why aren't you taking
a college prep course?

College is
three years away.

Pretty in Pink
starts in 20 minutes.

You're a sophomore now.

You're going to be taking
your college boards soon.

You should be thinking
about this stuff.

I don't even think
I want to go to college.

What? You don't want
to go to college?

What, are you kidding?

That's insane.
It's crazy.

This is the blackest
day in my--

Could we talk
about this?

There's more
than one way
to get an education.

Maybe Jesse and I
will bum around Europe
a couple years.

Oh, bumming.
That's good.

When you're
finished with that,

you can come back

and start your career
as a bag lady.

Who's to say a bag lady

hasn't learned
from her experiences

and graduated
from the school of life?

I'm to say.

Oh. Oh.

Well, don't you think
there are other options?

Yeah, college or death.

Hey, look,
the day you were born,

that's the day
I bought the frame

for your college diploma.

You'll be the first
Micelli to go to college.

I'll be the first Micelli
to work to pay for it.

MONA:
Right this way, please.

As you can see,

this is a typical Ridgemont
College classroom.

Ample sunlight,

good use of space,

and an unobstructed view
of the men's gym.

Where are you going?
Get over there.

The idea of this trip

is to get Samantha interested
in higher education.

All right. All right.

Sam, right
in this very classroom,

I studied Plato,
Aristotle, Spinoza,

all the great thinkers.

Grandma, how come
your phone number's
carved on this desk?

I also did
some tutoring.

Sam, the idea is that
this isn't just a room.

This is a place

where you can be
whatever you want to be.

I want to be
at the Cineplex.

Sam, look at what
you can study:

anthropology, archaeology,
biogenetic engineering.

Ooh, biogenetic
engineering, eh?

That has
a nice ring to it.

Picture this.

You're walking down
the hospital corridor.

You're wearing
your white coat.

Everybody's
saying good morning.

"Good morning,
Dr. Micelli.

"Isn't that
Samantha Micelli,

our new
biogenetic engineer?"

Aw, Dad.

Or you could be
a movie critic, huh?

I'm just saying
that college is
a great place to be.

How would you know?
You never went.

Don't take my word.

Take it from
people who know:

magna c*m laude
and magna c*m rowdy.

Girls, she's all yours.
Work her over good.

You won't have
to work me over.

I'm going to college.

Maybe biogenetics
isn't such a bad idea.

It could help avoid
future mutants.

Jonathan,
why don't we go

and take a look
at the old globe?

I already know
all the countries

and their capitals--

Sam, my four years
in college

were the most glorious
years of my life,

and believe me, I've had
a pretty glorious life.

Sam, come here.

You know, when I
first went to college,

I was a shy
little wallflower.

But when I graduated,

I was a woman

who knew something
about the past

and was excited
about the future.

I was exposed to ideas

I never
even knew existed.

And when I walked
up there

and got my diploma,

I had such a feeling
of pride.

It was more than just
a piece of paper.

It was
thousands of years

of history
and knowledge

and teachers
and students all saying,

"Angela Bower,

you're one of us."

That was
beautiful, dear.

So, sweetheart,
what do you think
about college?

TONY:
I'm going!

What did you say?

I'm going to college.

Tony Micelli
is going to be
one of them.

Hi.
Hi.

Um, let's see...

Dad.
Yeah?

You know, I've been thinking,

Ridgemont looks like
a really nice college.

But if you get in
and then I decide to go there,

then you'll be a junior
when I'm a freshman,

and we might end up
in the same class.

Oh, boy, won't that be great?

No.

Wait, what do you mean, Sam?

Come on, hey,
we could have lunch together.

We could hang out
in the student union.

We could be study buddies.

Or we could pretend
we don't know each other.

Good thinking, Dad.
That might work.

Sam if I don't finish my essay
for my application,

you're not going
to have to worry

whether or not
I'm going to college.

Okay, I'll go quietly.
Okay.

[SLURPS]

In the living room.
Thank you, sweetheart.

Okay. Okay.
All right.

This is good.

I hope.

How are you doing?

Oh, working away.
Working away.

I've been working
on my math

and on my essay

and on my
vocabulary skills too.

Angela, I'm
intensely cognizant

of your pulchritude
this eventide.

Well, thank you, Tony.

You look foxy too.

Wow! You know
what I said.

College education.

You know,
if I get in,

we could
have more of these
conversations,

although
who'd want to?

[LAUGHS]

You've been working
night and day
for two weeks.

I'm really proud of you.

With us Micellis

it's
nothing half-hog.

It's the whole pig
or nothing.

Hey, check out
what I've gleaned
from these tomes.

That means
learned from
these books.

Oh, very good.
Very good.

Come on. Ask me
some questions.

Okay. I'll test you
on your verbal skills.

All right, "Glove is to hand
as sock is to..."

Foot.

Correct.

Give me something
a little harder.

Give me
something to flex
my brain cells on.

Okay.

Oh, here's one.

Desk is to book
as bench is to...

Judge.

No. No, of course not.

Not judge.

Uh, uh...park.

"Desk is to book
as bench is to..."

All right.
I know what
the question is.

All right, don't get rattled.
Just concentrate.

As bench is to...

basketball.

No.
Not basketball.

Um...uh....

I could use
some help here.

Tool.
Oh, tool.

Why did you tell me?

All right.

Let's just
switch gears.

We'll go on to math.

I know you knew.
Sit down.

Tool. I should
have known that.

All right.

"You have a jar
of red and green
jelly beans.

"The ratio
of red jelly beans
to green jelly beans

is 5 to 3."



"If the jar contains
a total of 160 jelly beans,

how many of them
are red?"

Red. Okay.

Okay, 5 to 3...



Carry the bean.

Uh...




Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
No way.

She's right, Tony.

She's right? Yeah?

Then answer this one.

A girl's a half-hour
late going to bed.

Her allowance is $15.

What does she lose

before saying
good night?

Good night.

Good luck
tomorrow, Dad.

Thanks. I'm
going to need it.

What are you
talking about?

You don't need luck.
Everything's fine.

Maybe I'm not cut out
to be a college man.

Because you
flubbed two questions?

You're overreacting.

But, Angela,
it's just...

something about me
and tests.

You know
what I mean?

I never do good
on them.

You don't do well.

See?
No, you'll do well.

You'll do good.

Stop fretting.

All right.

Okay. Come on.

[LAUGHS]
I get it.

Oh, gosh.

Do you know
the answer to that one?

Haven't got a clue.

I know.

Figures.

Miss Goody Two-shoes.

Nice hair.

I hope she
doesn't ask me.

Yeah. Me either.

That's one tough
battle-ax.

All right.

Anthony.

Uh...who, me?

Daydreaming again,
Anthony?

No, Sister.
What was the question?

How many
jelly beans are red?

Uh...what jelly beans?

Where's the jar?
How should I know?

You know. Help me.

Help me! Help me!

It wouldn't be fair.

I'm waiting,
Anthony.

Well, uh...

Does anyone else
know the answer?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Samantha.

I know, Sister.
That's easy.

It's 54.

That is correct,
Samantha.

And just for that,

you can go to
the Molly Ringwald
festival.

Oh, thank you, Sister!

I believe it's my duty
to say that...

Anthony tried to get
the answer from me.

Ooh.
Ooh.

No. No.

I didn't do it.

Well, Anthony...

I'm going
to have to call
the Mother Superior.

That's it for you.

[BELL RINGS]

BOY:
Uh-oh. You're dead.

Is there
a problem, Sister?

Is it Anthony again?

Yes, Mother.

I'm afraid he
doesn't test well.

Wait a minute, Sister.

Sister...

I wrote
my essay good.

It's "well,"
Anthony.

Anthony,
this page is blank.

No, it can't be.

Sister, I know
I wrote it.

I wrote it good.

Anthony, I am afraid
you're in over your head.

He'll never
be a student.

You're wrong.

In over your head.

Never be a student.

You're wrong.

Never be a student.

You're wrong.
You're wrong.

You're wrong.

You're wrong.

You're right.

[HUMMING]

Hi.
Hi.

You should be
taking your test.

Well, uh...I decided
not to take it.

What are you
talking about?

What made you
change your mind?

You and that superior
mother of yours.

I don't understand.

Angela, I'm just
not going to college.

Things would
fall apart here.

First dust ba*ls,
then dirty dishes,

then a bad case
of grout mold.

Tony, we've already
discussed this.

Your housework's
finished
in three hours.

Spend the rest
in your classes.

Angela,
let's forget it.

I made my decision.

If you won't
listen to me,
listen to yourself.

Not my essay.
It's terrible.

"College.

"It means different things
to different people.

"To some, it's a way
to meet girls

and blow 50 grand
of your parents' savings."

I know what I wrote.

"When I was a kid,
I'd look up at the stars

"and think, 'there's
a lot more out there

"'than I can see,

and there's more to each
of us than we know.'"

Angela, you're
embarrassing me.

"My friend,
Frankie Pesce,

"had an encyclopedia set

"that his mother
bought at the market.

"I got up to volume C,
and then he moved away.

"I know everything
about aardvarks,

"Bastille Day,
and Samuel Clemens.

"But there's still
lots of questions
I need answers to.

"To me,
college is a place
to dream out loud.

A place to catch up
on volumes D through Z."

Dad, you wrote this?

All these years
you could've been
doing my book reports.

Tony, it's a
beautiful essay.

It's sincere,
eloquent,
and honest.

Well...
you do think so?

Yes.

The first joke
could be sharper,

but it builds nicely.

Shouldn't you be
at your test?

Ah...

your father's
decided not to go
to college.

You're not serious.

There's nothing
you wanted more.

Maybe I don't want it.

You just made up
this stuff you wrote?

Well, no.

If I didn't
know you better,

I'd say
that you were--

What?

Nothing. Nothing.

Go ahead and say it.

Chicken.

How could you say that?

Dad, it's okay.

Just do what you
tell me to do
when I have a test.

Take a deep breath,
count to 10, and jump in.

I said that? Gee.

Sounds
kind of feeble.

That's what I thought.

But it worked.

Yeah?

Maybe I'm smarter
than I thought.

Well, I think so.

But just in case,

here's my lucky number 2
led pencil.

Oh, gee. Thanks, Angela.

But, gee, it's...

it's all chewed up.
Yuck.

You're not the only one
who gets scared before a test.

Hey, I'm not scared.

I'm, uh...

I'm chicken.

Hey, but I'm going.

I'm out of here.

Hey, brain don't fail me now.

Hey, hey.

I'm going.

I'm going.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Mail call.

Gangway!

Did it come?

I haven't gone
through the mail yet.

Let me do it.
Let me do it.

Oh, it didn't come.

Look what I found
in my other hand.

Give me that!

Oh. Oh.
I can't open it.

I can!

Get your mitts off.

Hey, my whole life
is in here.

If I scored 450
or better,

I go to college.

If I didn't,

they retire my mop

and put me in the
housekeeper's hall of fame.

Come on, 450.

Come on, 450.

And it's a...2.



No. 2.

Gee.

That was some
lucky pencil
you gave me.

Well, well, well.

Well.

Well?

You couldn't
have scored a 2.

Nobody
is that stupid.

We know that,
Mr. Mackey.

What is the problem?

See where it says,
"Don't mark this space"?

He marked that space.

Wait a minute.
Let me see that.

Oh. So I started
marking my answers

on the wrong line.
That's right.

[LAUGHS]

You threw
that computer
into an awful tizzy.

Well, then, hey,
I didn't get a 2, huh?

I don't know what you got.

The computer can't score it.

Could you
score it by hand?

I don't see why not.

You mean right now?

If it's not
too much trouble.

All right.

You know,
this reminds me

of days before
we had the computer.

We did everything by hand.

Worked much better.
And faster.

Yeah, well...
Mr. Mackey, please.

All right.

Oh, this will amuse you.

You know, several years ago
Harry Truman paid a visit--

[WHIMPERS]

All right.

You're in a hurry.

Yeah.

[MURMURING]

[THEME FROM JEOPARDY! PLAYING]

All right.

Now we'll add it up.

[HUMS]



[HUMS]





[HUMS]


h*! 300.

[HUMS]




Come on, 450.

Come on, 450!



Hoo! 10, 10!













Would you come on!

Well, he's
driving me crazy!

You made me
lose my place.

I'll have to start
all over again.

What?

Just kidding.

[LAUGHS]

Just kidding.

Just kidding.

Young people
don't have a sense
of humor nowadays.

Let's see.
Your score is...



Oh, hold your horses.

I forgot
to carry the one.

What does that mean,
means I got 446?

Your final score
is 545.





I'm in! I'm in!

I love you!

Oh, Tony, Tony,
you did it.

Oh, thanks, Mr. Mackey.

Angela, we did it.

Hey, Angela, you feel
like having a brew
at the Rathskeller

with a college man?

Rah-rah, sis-boom-bah.

Mr. Mack.

[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, boy!

Ooh,
I love college life.

The student union,
the library,

the beer nuts
at the Rathskeller.

Even the nuts
taste smart.

You ought to be a genius.

You ate a pound of them.

Very good, Angela.
Excellent hyperbole.

[LAUGHS]

College, college.

Looks like you two

have been celebrating
the big 545.

TONY:
That's right, Mona.

Now that
I'm matriculating,

I'm doing
the Joe College things.

In that case,
quit the partying
and hit the books.

Oh, get her.
What a kidder, huh?

I am not kidding,
Anthony.

Anthony, I am not kidding.

She's back!

[♪♪]