03x21 - Walk on the Mild Side

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for living ♪

♪ You take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail
And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ The nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand new life ♪

♪ Brand new life ♪

♪ A brand new life
Around the bend ♪

Everyone, quick, come here!
You won't believe it!

What? What? What?
What's going on?

What? What? What? What?

Oh, the Beastie Boys
are coming here!

Oh, gee, the place
is such a mess.

Dad, they're giving a concert
in Westport next month.

That's the big news?

Yes, that's
big news. Angela,

In your terms, it would be like
Vic Damone coming to town.

Is it okay if I go?
Sure.

Thanks. Oh, one more thing.

Tickets go on sale
at the mall tomorrow morning,

so I'm going to have
to get in line kind of early.

How early?

Now...?
Ah!

You're going to stand in line
all night for concert tickets?

Forget about it,
Samantha. It's crazy.

That's right. It is crazy.
I think you should let her go.

What?
Talk that talk, Mona.

All teenagers need to break
loose once in awhile.

I didn't.

We're talking about
normal teenagers, dear.

Come on, Dad. There's
no school tomorrow,

there'll be plenty
of security guards,

and the falafel
stand is open all night.

Well, I guess. I guess it'll
be safe. Is Macy's open?

No.
Then I'll be safe, too.

All right, look, promise
to say in a well-lit area.

Oh, thanks, Dad.
Oh, you're the best.

Oh, this is going to be so...

safe and well-lit.

Well, I guess I should
be glad. I mean, hey,

it's pretty tame compared
to things I did as a kid, huh?

Like what, Tony?

Well, I remember this one time
I was delivering pizza

in Grand Central Station,
you know, so,

I see this
really pretty girl,

so I followed her
on to the train, right.

I struck up
a conversation by Newark.

You know, pepperoni
is a hell of an ice breaker.

Anyway, we're
in love by Cleveland.

And if I don't get thrown off
the train in Chicago,

I'd got two kids
in college right now.

Oh, oh,
that's so romantic.

Yeah, yeah, and on
the way back, you know,

I was hitch-hiking, and I
meet this lady truck driver.

And there was nothing semi
about her, heh, heh.

But, hey, that's another
story. You know.

Oh, boy, when I think of some
of the crazy things I've done.

[LAUGHING]

Oh...

Yes, Mother?

Oh, I can't tell you that one.
[SCOFFING]

I promised the senator.
But I can tell you

about the time
my date and I snuck

into the drive-in movie
in the trunk of a car.

Oh, Mona, I used to do that all
the time when I was a teenager.

This was last week.

Ah, well, those were
the days, hey, Mona?

Come on, Angela, didn't
you ever do anything wild?

Oh, let me think...

Don't bother.
[LAUGHS]

Come on, Mona, seriously.
Angela, didn't you ever

call up the supermarket

and ask if they have
olive oil in a bottle?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Wh-- Why should I do that?

Because after
you call 'em, right,

you say, "You got
olive oil in a bottle?"

They say, "Yay." You say,
"Better let her out.

Popeye's getting mad."
[ALL LAUGHING]

My, the things
I missed in my youth.

If I only had it to over again,
I would sow a wild oat or two.

Angela, you wouldn't
know a wild oat

if it hit you
in the feed bag.

[TONY LAUGHS]

Oh, no? I can be just as wild
and crazy as the next guy.

Yeah, if the next guy
is Mother Teresa.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Okay, laugh if you will.
I'm going to do it.

I'm going to do
all the things

that I didn't do
when I was growing up.

I'm going to be--

I'm going to be wild
and crazy and-and daring.

I-I'm going to fly
by the seat of my pants.

I'm going to be free
and spontaneous.

Wh--
What are you doing?

I'm making
a list of all

the spontaneous things
I'm going to do.

After you, after you.
Hello, Mona. Hello.

Hello, Sam. What's new?

Dad, you-- You are
really maturing. Huh.

Weren't you worried about me
being out all night?

Are you kidding me, Sam?

I have a tremendous amount
of respect for your good sense,

and besides I paid Ernie
at the falafel stand

to keep
an eye on you.

You paid a falafel
man to spy on me?

Yeah, the guy at the yogurt
stand cost too much. Heh.

He should. You know,
he's a lot cuter.

Get upstairs.
Get outta here.

Well, did you two have fun
sowing wild oats?

Fun, Mona. You say fun?

We're talking thrills,
we're talking chills.

Me and Angela took
a walk on the wild side.

Oh, Mother you'd be so proud
of me. I broke the law.

You know those little
tags that they tell you

not to remove
from mattresses?

Well...

...federal offense!
Ha.

Yeah, yeah, and I drove
the get-away car.

[LAUGHING]
Yeah.

Well, that should put you
on the ten least wanted list.

Hey, Mona, Mona, it was
unbelievable, Mona.

She was out
of control, Mona.

We were in a crowded elevator,
right. She does this...

[ARMPIT FARTING]

Huh? Everybody started
looking at me.

Yeah! They did.
They did!

And then,
to top it all off,

we went to the Plaza,
and we crashed a wedding.

Ha. You know when
the minister says,

"Speak now or forever
hold your peace?"

She didn't.
She did. Ha, ha.

I said, "You have a terrible
caterer." And I ran like hell.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Angela, I didn't know you
could be so rude and crude.

I have a new
respect for you.

Ha-ha-ha-ha. Well, I'll
tell you something, Angela,

I for one am glad you got this
all out of your system.

Oh, no, no, no, there're
a lot of other things

on this list that
I want to do. Like this.

Ha. I can't do this.

Come on, come on,
let's see. What is it?

No, no, no, it's silly,
it's silly, it's silly.

I shouldn't even
have put on the list.

[STAMMERING]

"Go to Inspiration Point with
Jake 'The Snake' Maguire."

[BOTH CHUCKLE]
"The Snake?"

He was-- He was
the wildest kid in school.

And when he walked
down the hall,

all the girls
held their breath.

And their jewelry.

He had a D.A., and a leather
jacket, and tight jeans.

He didn't talk, he hissed. And
he didn't walk, he slithered.

Unh. Maybe he was molting.

Angela, I didn't know you went
for guys like that.

I thought you liked boys

that had those little
safety pins on their glasses.

Mother, on the outside I may
have looked like Sandra Dee,

but on the inside
Tina Louise trying to come out.

Jake used to ride
this motorcycle,

and he took all
the coolest girls in town

to a special place called
"Inspiration Point."

Now wait a minute.
Hold on a second.

How can you make-out
on a motorcycle?

It can be done.

Well, listen, whatever happened
to this Snake dude?

I don't know.
I don't know.

I didn't see him after I went
off to Montague Academy.

God knows
where he is now.

Right here under the M's.

Look, Maguire, Jake.

Really?

No, no, no, I really can't call
him. He wouldn't remember me.

It's such a crazy
thing to do--

Give me that book.

Ha, ha. Well, Mona,
what do you think?

You think we should give her
some privacy?

No.
Me, either.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hello, is this
Jake "the Snake"?

It's him!

Um, hi, uh, uh, we went
to high school together.

Uh, my name
was Angela Robinson.

Oh, yeah, I didn't
think you would.

Uh, thick glasses, uh, buck
teeth, slightly overweight...

Picture the Hindenburg
with bangs.

Some of the less mature kids
used to call me...

[WHISPERS]
the "Walrus."

[LOUDLY]
The "Walrus."

Yeah, yeah, that's
me. No, I've changed.

Yeah, well, the braces worked,
and so did the Clearasil,

and uh, the Metrecal just melted
away those unsightly pounds

So is there a Mrs.
Snake in your life?

He's single!

Uh, well, um, I was
just wondering,

what would you think about
maybe going out for a drink

or something...
Tonight?

Busy guy.

Uh, yeah, sure.


Okay, well, yeah,
I'll see you then.

Ah! I did it! I did it!

I'm going out with
the hottest kid in my class!

Ha. That's great. That's great.
It worked out so good, too.

It's not even
a school night.

Oh, no, I've got
an unsightly blemish.

Looks like
a big zit to me.

Well, thank you, Mother, but
nobody but you will notice.

Whoa, Angela, man,
you look terrific.

What's that
on your forehead?

Is it Ash Wednesday?

I wonder what 'ol
Jake looks like now.

Yeah, you know,
hey, Angela,

don't get your hopes
up. People change.

This guy could be bald,
fat, and wearing a truss.

[LAUGHS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh! That's him.

Angela, Angela, don't you
know anything about dating?

No, of course
you don't.

I answer the door, you go
upstairs and make an entrance.

[MUTTERING]

Hey, uh, where does
the housekeeper stand?

On that spot
on the carpet. Heh.

Angela, you look great.
You really filled out.

Is he in
for a rude awakening?

Come in. Actually,
I am Angela's mother.

Hello, Mama. Heh, heh.

And this is Tony Micelli,
our housekeeper.

How ya doing?
How ya doing?

Can I take
your helmet?

No, I'm cool.
Heh, heh.

Oh, Angela, dear,
Jake is here.

ANGELA:
Thank you, Mother.
I'll be down in a minute.

Jake.

Angela?

Whoa. You went from
a walrus to a fox.

Thank you. You look exactly
the same as when you graduated.

Well,
I didn't graduate.

I decided to pursue
my other interests.

Oh, like what?

Ah, sleeping late, hanging
around, and, uh, bumming, yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

Nice work
if you can get it.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I'd love to stay and kick
it around with you folks,

but me and my band
are gigging down

at the Mason
Jar tonight,

so we really ought
to hit there, Angie.

Oh. Okay, um, The Mason Jar.

Wait, isn't that the place

where you used to play
back in high school?

Same bar, same band,
same three chords.

[TONY LAUGHS]

Uh, Angie, dear. Could
I have a quick rap session

with you before
you peel out.

Excuse me. I'll
just be a minute.

So, you're
a housekeeper, eh?

Yeah, well, that's my gig,
Jake. Heh, heh.

Call me Snake. You got
a nickname, Tony.

Uh, yeah, uh,
call me "Broom."

Broom.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Mother, what are you talking
about? You're being ridiculous.

Angela, I know men, you don't.
You are out of your league.

Mother, this is all
perfectly innocent.

No Angela, you are perfectly
innocent. He is a snake.

I don't want you going
out with that sleazy rider.

Wait a minute. Are you
forbidding me to go?

Forbidding you?

Yes, I guess I am.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Now I can cross
number 11 off my list.

"Defy Mother."

Wait, come back here.
Ha, ha.

Oh, Jake. I'm ready to feel
the wind through my hair.

Your brain bumper.
Oh, ha, ha.

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, Angela.

Yes, Tony.

Whatever you do,
keep your feet on the pegs,

and lean into the turns, and
hold onto his luggage rack.

Angie,
your hog awaits.

Later on, Mrs. R.
Later, "Broom," keep sweeping.

[MEN CHUCKLE]

Later.

I don't feel
good about this.

Angela has turned into
a "Motorcycle Mama."

Oh. Come on, Mona. Come on.
She's going to be fine.

[MOTORCYCLE REVS UP]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Oh. I hope she doesn't
come back with a tattoo.

[ROCK SONG PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

[WHISTLING]

Excuse me, do you have
any dental floss?

I think I have a gnat
caught in my teeth.

I told you not to open
your mouth on the turnpike.

Hey!

CROWD [CHEERING]:
Hey!

Hey.

So, this is
the legendary Mason Jar.

Yeah.

It's so lively,
so atmospheric...

[SNIFFS]
So pungent.

So, uh, what've you been up
to after all this time?

We didn't get much chance
to talk on the chopper.

Well, let me see, uh...
I'm in advertising.

Oh, you're in advertising.

You know, I got a beef
with you people.

You do?

Yeah. One of those billboards
fell over on my motorcycle.

Who puts them things up?

I don't really know,
but I'll check on it.

Hey!
Gimme a pitcher.

Unh.

Anything
for you, Angie?

Yes, I would like a Brandy
Sidecar with a twist of lime.

And crushed ice.

A beer will be fine.
[GRUNTS]

...my hand on my arm
and it made this loud noise

and then everybody
looked at Tony.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[TUNING GUITAR]

Yeah. It's time
to rock 'n roll.

Thank you
so much.

[BAND PLAYING SLOW ROCK]

Hey, yo!

I'd like to dedicate
this song

to a very special
lady from my past.

[SOME PEOPLE CHEER]

Number 18.

Romantic song
sung for me.

[SINGING LONG NOTE]

♪ You gotta help me, baby ♪

♪ Can't make it by myself ♪

♪ Gotta help me, baby
I can't make it by myself ♪

♪ Oh, no, and if
You don't help me, darling ♪

♪ I'm going to find
Somebody else ♪

♪ Bring me my nightshirt
Baby ♪

♪ Put on your morning gown ♪

♪ Yeah, bring me
My nightshirt, baby ♪

♪ Put on your morning gown ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't feel
Like sleeping ♪

♪ Baby, I wanna lay down ♪

♪ Come here, baby ♪

Where is she? She should
have been home by now.

You said she could stay at
Bonnie's until eleven o'clock.

I'm talking about Angela.

And what kind
of a mother are you?

You let your daughter
go out with Fonzie's evil twin.

Me? At least I tried to talk
some sense into her.

You created this monster
by taking her off

on that crime spree. You whipped
her hormones into a frenzy.

Don't you dare blame
that on me, Mona,

because after all the hormone
doesn't fall far from the tree.

You know how all this
started.

It was started because

you let Sam stand in line
for tickets to that concert.

Mona, it was you who talked me
into letting her do that.

Yeah, so I guess we have
to share the blame.

Where did we go wrong?

♪ And now the stage is bare
It's just me standing there ♪

♪ With emptiness all around ♪

♪ If you won't
Come back to me ♪

♪ Well, they can just bring
The curtain down ♪

♪ Is your heart
Filled with pain ♪

♪ Can I come back again? ♪

♪ Tell me, dear ♪

♪ Are you
Lonesome tonight? ♪

[CROWD CHEERING]

Oh.
Whew.

Music really gives
me a buzz.

That was so wonderful.
Thank you.

Tonight has been
really groovy.

Speaking of groovin', Angie,
what's say we go someplace,

you know, kind of quiet.

Just you and me.

Where might that be?

Well, I got
this special place

I like to call it,
"Inspiration Point."

Do I look like
that kind of girl?

I think you do.

Ha.

Well, thank you.
Ah, but wait a minute,

you've a few too many
pitchers. We shouldn't drive.

We can walk.

Oh, an evening stroll.
Mm-hm.

What is this?
Where are we?

Welcome to
Inspiration Point.

This room
is Inspiration Point?

Uh, not exactly.

This is.

[SLOW ROCK SONG PLAYING]

Oh, excuse me?

Hi, ya, sailor, what ship did
you get off of, the S.S. Hunk?

Ha, ha.

Well, I'm looking
for a blonde.

I could be a blonde.
I could be whatever you want.

Yeah, well,
how about helpful?

Listen, I'm looking
for a blonde about 5'7",

she's got brown eyes,
she's very well-dressed,

she's a very classy lady.
She's with a guy named Snake.

Oh, yeah, they were
here earlier.

Yeah, yeah?

They must've left.
Hm.

All right. Well,
thanks anyway.

Wait a minute.

Why don't you stick around.
Grab a beer. Or whatever.

Well, uh, maybe I will
have one for the road.

Ha. A beer? Ha, ha.

Well, I thought
Inspiration Point

was this beautiful place
high on a hill.

where you could see trees and
fields and sky full of stars.

Yeah, if you lay down,
you can see the Big Dipper.

So you're
a housekeeper?

Yeah, it's
a dusty job,

but, hey, somebody's
got to do it, right. Ha.

But, hey, I've got
a great place to live,

and my boss is
real nice, except lately

she's been acting
a little, I don't know--

[ANGEL SCREAMS]

Angela?

You like screaming?
I can scream.

[GRUNTS]

Hey, what are
you doing?

Get away from her.

Okay, if that's
the way you want it.

Oh, my gosh.

I didn't want to do it,
but he had it coming.

Angela, are you all right?
I heard you scream.

Oh, Tony, Tony,
it was just awful.

It was the biggest
c*ck I've ever seen.

c*ck? I thought the Snake
was putting the moves on you.

Well, he was, but
I could handle him.

[GASPS]

Tony, what are
you doing here?

Oh, um, well,
I-I-I was, uh--

I was in
the neighborhood. Heh.

You were worried
about me.

Ah, no, no, no,
I'm not one of them

over protective
housekeepers.

Oh. Right.

Well, so much
for wild oat-sowing.

I had such high
hopes for tonight.

[JAKE SNORES]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

You know, Angela, sometimes
I think it's hard

to relive something you never
lived in the first place.

Yeah, to think this ratty,
old sofa was Inspiration Point.

Sometimes some things are
better left to your imagination.

Ah, don't worry
about it, Angela.

Hey, whatever happens,
we'll always have this.

[ARMPIT FARTING]
Ah.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

ANGELA:
Oh, Tony, this is better
than I ever imagined.

[BLOWING]

Oh, oh, Tony, this
is so beautiful.

Thank you for bringing
me up here. Ah.

What are you doing?

Crossing number 16 off my list.
"Go to Inspiration Point."

Oh. Hey, wait, wait,
wait. Wait a minute.

What's this one now?

"Mike ott
at Inspiration Point?"

Oh, that's,
um, make out.

Oh. Oh.

Well, that's too bad that you
didn't get to finish your list.

Yeah, yeah, I got so close.
Ha, yeah.

I guess it's something that you
really wanted, too, you know.

Well, yeah, I mean,

it would give me a real
sense of completion.

Completion's good.
Completion's good.

[BLOWS]

[♪♪♪]