06x13 - Ed Goes to College

[bunniefuu]

[HORSE NEIGHING]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ ♪That is, of course
unless the horse is the famous
Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always
on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed. ♪

Morning, Ed.

Well, it's
a beautiful day to--

"Dear Wilbur.
It's such a nice day

I figured I'd go
for a little walk.

Don't worry, I won't
pick up any hitch-hikers."

That crazy horse.

He's been sneaking out
all week.

I wonder what he's
up to this time.

I like going to college.

It makes me feel
those four years

I didn't go to high school
weren't wasted.

Uh-oh.

What are you doing
with that freshman hat
and those school books?

I'm a college drop-in.

Oh, no.
Now I've seen everything.

Ed, you must be kidding.

They'd never let you
near a classroom.

Right. So I listen
outside the window.

Saves tuition fees.

Boy, oh, boy.

This is the craziest thing
that you have ever done.

Why would a horse
want to go to college?

How else would you get
to be a doctor?

You want to become a doctor?

Sure, why shouldn't
a horse doctor be a horse?

Well, I don't know.

I guess for the same reason
a baby doctor isn't a baby.

The whole idea's
ridiculous.

You won't think so
when I open my animal clinic.

An animal clinic.

My mother doesn't think
it's funny.

She wants me
to keep on studying.

Oh, sure.
So she can brag about
"My son, the doctor."

Oh, Ed, you're too much.

I don't think
it's funny.

Oh, well, look,
it's a very noble idea

to want to help
your fellow animals,

but you'd just better
forget the whole thing.

Why, Wilbur? Only an animal
knows what hurts other animals
and can help them.

It won't work, Ed.
Suppose one of your patients
wants a consultation.

Where are you gonna find
another animal doctor?

Who knows? Right now
there might be a kangaroo

listening outside
a classroom in Australia.

I don't want you
leaving the barn today.

Is that clear?

But I've got two more classes
and a surgery to watch.

There are many
horse doctors around.

Why don't you
become a lawyer?

Don't leave the barn today,
Professor.

I hate to disappoint Wilbur,
but he'll forgive me

when I hang out my shingle.

"Doctor Ed.
Eye, Ear, Nose, and Tail."

This house is a mess.

I shouldn't have
let it go so long.

Carol I hope
you're not going to

spend the whole
weekend cleaning.

Don't worry.
Wilbur promised to help me.

Now I'm worried...

Any place he goes
becomes a disaster area.

You know, it would help
if you changed your attitude.

I'll bet since you came
to visit us,

you haven't smiled
at him once.

With a son-in-law like that,
what have I got to smile about?

No, Dad, Wilbur happens
to be a wonderful man.

Carol, do you really think
he's going to leave

that precious horse of his
to help you clean the house?

Why, there's nothing
Wilbur wouldn't do for me.

Let's test him.
Ask him for a divorce.

Oh, Dad.

[WILBUR WHISTLING]

Here he comes.
Please, Dad, be friendly.

Smile.

It cost me $200
to have my teeth fixed.

I'm not going
to waste it on him.

Hello, dear.
What do you want me to do?

Vacuum, sweep, dust,
or lie down and take a nap?

Well, you might start by fixing
that window over there.

- It's stuck.
- All right!

It certainly
turned out nice--

A little indigestion, huh?

Fix the window.

Why don't you lie down
and take that nap?

Let me do that.

No, Dad,
you're on vacation.

Why don't you
just take it easy?

The way you're
going about that,

you'll push your hand
right through that window.

Well, that's nice of you
to be so worried.

Well, of course.
These windows cost
a fortune to repair.

Well, let's get to work,
shall we?

You're taller, why don't you
pull down from the top

and I'll try to get it
from the bottom?

- Okay.
- We'll attack it
together.

Okay, Dad.

I think...wait a minute...
Can't quite get it.

[SCREAMING]

Huh?

Whoa, here you go.
I'm sorry.

What can I do for you?
I'll loosen your collar.

Loosen, my fingers!
Carol!

- Carol!
- Carol! Carol!

You're father's
calling you.

I'd better catch
my next medical class.

With Wilbur around,
this house needs a live-in
doctor.

[SNORING]

Ed, did you see a bottle
of furniture polish--?

Oh, no, not again.

My horse,
the college dropout.

Wake up, Ed
Time for lunch.

Come on, wake up.
It's after 1:00.

Aw, little sleepy-head.

[SNORING STOPS]

[CLICKING SOUND]

Ed? What's that noise?

What some horses won't do
to become a doctor.

And so you can see,
students,

bone tissue consists
of two permanent components

the osteocytes and
the surrounding matrix.

Any questions so far?

Note the longitudinal section
of the tibia.

This layer
covering the outer surface
is called the periosteum.

If there are any questions,
please raise your hand.

I'm not breaking a leg
just for that.

Oh...

I told you not
to leave the barn.

You don't belong
in school till Parents' Day.

Boy, that was
pretty sneaky of you

putting your snoring
on a tape recorder.

Sorry, Wilbur,
but my mother

always wanted to have
a doctor in the family,

and I'm not
letting her down.

Let your brother
be the doctor.

- You go home.
- But this lecture
is on bones.

What if a duck shows up
at my clinic one day
with rheumatism?

Can you see me telling him,

"I'm sorry, sir, I missed
class that day"

All I want to see of you,
Doctor, is your tail fading
into the distance.

Now get going.

[MIMICKING WILBUR]
"Now get going,
now get going."

- What did you say?
- I don't know. I wasn't
paying attention.

Let's see,
"In case of shock,

try mouth-to-mouth,
resuscitation."

[LAUGHING]
Hope it's a filly.

Wouldn't even
send her a bill.

Hi, buddy boy.

Ed, I want
your solemn word

that you'll stay away
from that college.

But I can't quit.

I'm carrying a heavy schedule,
32 units.

Ed, believe me,
this whole idea

is just too impossible.

No, it isn't,

and when I open
my animal clinic,

- know what I'm doing?
- What?

In the lobby, I'm placing a
bronze plaque,

and it's gonna say,
"West wing donated
by Wilbur Post."

Ed, I still say...

The whole west wing
in my name?

I'm saving the east wing
for the cash contributors.

Ed, stop this crazy talk!
Now, listen to me.

I don't want you going
back to that college.

Please, Wilbur.
They're performing
a surgery today

and I have to watch.

Why? Why do you
have to watch?

Who knows?

Some day your horse
may save your life by
removing your appendix.

Oh, no!
Doctors are not allowed

to operate on members
of their own family.

Ed, listen to me, will ya?
Because I'm chasing after you,

my father-in-law has to do
all my work around the house.

Now, Ed, promise you will not
leave the barn again.

Well...okay.
I promise.

Oh, Dad, leave that.
Wilbur should be back soon

and he'll give you a hand.

Yeah, like he gave me
a hand with the window.

[GROANING]

Oh, Dad.

Careful.
Careful, Carol.

Well, you insisted
on trying to move all that

heavy furniture
without Wilbur.

- Hi, Carol. Hi, Dad.
- Hi, honey.

Well, the prodigal
son-in-law has returned.

So you have.
This just isn't my day...

Wilbur, did you find
Mister Ed?

Yeah, he was on
the college campus.

On the college campus?
How did he get all the way
out there?

I don't know. Maybe he found
a student bus ticket.

Carol, will you rub
a little higher, please?

Honey, I've so much work
to do in the house.

Would you mind
finishing Dad's massage?

Yeah.

No, no!
Don't bother.

No bother at all.

In a way, I kinda blame myself
for your backache.

For once
we're in agreement.

I'm sorry I
couldn't help you today, Dad,
but don't worry about Ed.

He won't be
running away anymore today.

Sure you don't want me
to massage you?

Keep your grubby little
meat hooks off me.

He's tricked me again!

Someone's going to have
a sore tail tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen,
before I begin,

I want your
complete attention.

What I am going to demonstrate
is a simple appendectomy.

But in any surgical
procedure,

utmost caution
must always be observed.

Our patient is now
completely anesthetized.

I will proceed
with the operation.

Nurse, the swab.

We have now sterilized
the entire exposed area.

I wish this was
a brain operation.

Stomachs are dull.

I will now draw a line where
the incision will be made.

Gee, that's a long line.

He's gonna take
his kneecap out.

Nurse, scalpel.

- Ed!
- You scared me.

I thought it was a holdup.

SURGEON: We are now ready
to make the incision.

The cut must be firm
and decisive,

ex*cuted with
complete precision.

Come on, Ed, you
don't wanna watch this...

Doesn't bother me
a bit, Wilbur.

I'm a doctor.

SURGEON:
Now that the incision
has been made,

it is necessary to seal off
the various blood vessels

to stop the flow of blood.

Clamps, please.

You don't want to watch this.
Come on.

Wilbur, we doctors are used
to the sight of--

the sight-- the--

[ED GROANING]

[THUD]

Ed, Ed!

Help!
My horse fainted!

Please, somebody, help!

Is there
a doctor in the house?

You had no right sneaking
into watch that surgery.

You were disobedient
and you had to be punished.

Please, Wilbur,
I wanna become a PHD.

- PHD?
- Palomino Horse Doctor.

Ed, forget this crazy idea
of running an Animal Clinic.

Now, I don't want you
leaving the barn tonight.

If you do,
don't bother to come home.

You can
sleep at the Y!

Boy, they sure-make it tough
for a horse to become a doctor.

That's the third game
of Solitaire I lost.

You know what they say,

"Unlucky at cards,
lucky at love." Right, Carol?

Looks like I'm due
for a winning streak at cards.

Carol, it's gotten cold.

Would you mind putting some
hot water in it, please?

- CAROL: Of course, Dad.
- Here, Dad, let me...

No, no!
It's all right.

- Oh, no trouble at all.
Let me do it.
- Let go!

Oh, look, there's
no trouble at-- oh!

Better get changed, Dad.

You'll catch cold sitting
in those wet clothes.

Carol, it's 2:00.
What are you doing up so late?

- Thinking.
- About what?

- About the kook
I married.
- Oh.

Are you by any chance
referring--?

Look, Carol,
we are two grown people.

If I've said something
to disturb you,

talk, get it
out of your system.

Okay...

Tell me why you smashed
Daddy's fingers,

let him push all that heavy
furniture around this morning,

and spilled water
all over him tonight?

There. Don't you feel better
now that you got it
out of your system?

Wilbur, this is my father.

Why do you treat him
like a mother-in-law?

That's not true.
You know I love your father.

Uh...I like him.

Would you believe
I don't hate him?

Oh, Carol.

All right, if you don't
want me around, just say so.

I'll go sleep in the barn.

That's all you have to say,
"Wilbur, go sleep in the
barn..."

That's all. Just,
"Wilbur, go sleep in the barn."

"Go sleep in the barn."

You didn't say "Wilbur."

Stick out your tongue, friend,
and say buk-buk.

Ed, are you out of your mind?
You can't do this.

Why not? Show me where
a horse has to have a license

to practice medicine
in California.

Ed, take off
that stethoscope.

Don't touch, me.
You're full of germs.

[ANIMAL SQUEALING]

- What is that?
- My patients in
the waiting room.

[SHEEP BLEATS]

[COW MOOING]

You really did it.
You opened an animal clinic.

That's right.
And if you wanna help,
you better scrub up.

Ed, I don't know where
all of these animals came from
but...

Please, Wilbur!
I've got a sick chicken here.

Step aside,
if you don't mind.

What's wrong with her?

She's expecting her first egg
and she's a little worried.

She?

[ROOSTER CROWING]

- Ed, that's a rooster.
- Wait, what?

Wasn't this covered
in any of those medical
lectures?

Yeah, the one I missed
on account of you.

Oh, I'm sorry.
What are you gonna
do for it now?

I was going to give
her some relaxing pills.

Relaxing pills?

Yeah, the kind you bought
for yourself

when your father-in-law
came to visit, remember?

Oh, yeah.

- What's wrong with him, Ed?
- Bad headaches.

He's been butting his head
against fences.

Oh. What are you
going to give him?

Get him some aspirin...

Right.

Careful, don't let him
swallow that bottle.

Hear anything, Doctor?

I hear a wheezing sound
between the filet
and the top sirloin.

Maybe she caught cold...

from laying down
in wet grass.

Please! This is clinic
and I'll do the diagnosing.

Sorry, Doctor
What shall we do?

Put her under the heat lamp
and set it for medium rare.

What is your
diagnosis, Doctor?

Like I thought.
Blistered feet from walking
in those hot jungles.

Must've been making
too many of those African
pictures..

I'll fix her up.
She can put her feet
in my hands.

[COW MOOING]

[ELEPHANT TRUMPETING]

[SCREAMING]

Somebody's out there!

Quick, get rid
of these patients.

- [TRUMPETS]
- Yeah, yeah, you.

He shouldn't disturb me.

What if I was in the middle
of a gallbladder operation?

It's Dad!
He's knocked out!

Don't panic, Wilbur.

Get his head
lower than his feet.

H-head lower than the--

than the-- okay.

Now what?

- Loosen all
tight clothing...
- Okay.

And let him
sniff this ammonia.

All right,
thank you.

[COUGHS]

- [GROANS]
- Hey.

Wilber, what was going on
in there?

In where?

What's the matter, Dad?

I don't know.
I've been seeing things.

Help me back
to the house, will you,
Wilbert, please?

Sure, thing.

There we go.

If you're sick,
get the best.

Patronize
your-local horse doctor.

It's 8:00.
Where can he be?

Hi, Wilbur...

- Where have you
been all night?
- Making house calls.

House calls?

Since you closed my clinic,
I've become

an old-fashioned
horse and buggy doctor.

Ed, I'll say one thing.

You're the buggiest
horse doctor that ever lived.

Aw, shucks.

♪ A horse is a horse
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak
and waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one'll talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

♪ I am Mister Ed. ♪

MAN: This has been
a filmways presentation.