06x08 - The Horse and the Pussycat

[bunniefuu]

[HORSE NEIGHING]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse is
the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed. ♪

Take your time, boy.
Give me good shine.

If I could round up
two more horses,

you could get
a haircut and a manicure.

Let's get on
with the shoe shine.

Unless you got
two more legs, I'm finished.

Oh, well, that looks
real good, Ed.

Never mind that.
Don't forget our deal.

Oh, okay, yeah.

One hoof shine coming up.

Oh, oh,
that tickles...

Stop it, Wilbur.
That tickles.

CAROL: Wilbur?

Yes, Carol?
Get back in your stall.

Aw, just when
we were having fun.

Remember, you still owe me
three more hooves.

Wilbur?

I made some fresh coffee,
so I brought you a cup.

- Well, thank you.
- You know what?

My friend Selma
just called.

Hmm. Put any sugar
in this?

Let me taste.

- Just right.
- Oh, what about Selma?

She's going to Hawaii
for a week.

Oh. Selma.

Is that the girl who's
batty about her cat?

Well, Felicia is a
pure bred Siamese cat

and she needs
a lot of care.

Ah, well,
that's Selma's problem.

No, it's ours.
I told her we'd keep
her for the week.

Oh, Carol,
you're kidding.

That cat is so spoiled,
we'll have to hire

a maid and a butler
to take care of her.

Oh, Wilbur, stop.
What can possibly
happen to a cat?

Thirteen kittens,
that's what can happen to her.

You don't really mind,
if we keep her, do you?

Not if you don't mind
taking care of it.

Oh, thanks, honey.

I'll tell Selma
to bring Felicia over.

All right.

- Carol.
- Hmm?

That coffee
sure hit the spot.

I told you
it was just right.

So? We've become
a home for stray cats?

What have you got
against cats?

Well, their family.
They're K*llers,

like the lion,
the leopard, and the tiger.

Oh, stop. Cats are
gentle creatures, like horses.

Oh, yeah?

Ever see a horse
jump off a tree and
go for your throat?

Don't tell me
a great big horse like you

is afraid of a
little pussycat?

What pussycat?
She's a tiger.

[SNARLING]

There, there, Felicia.

Now, mommy will
only be gone for a week

and Aunty Carol is going
to take good care of you.

She seems to understand
everything you say.

Oh, yes,
she's almost human.

Reminds me a lot
of my first husband.

Now, getting back
to these instructions.

Oh, yes, now Felicia
gets a little
lonesome at night

so tell Wilbur
not to be frightened

if she jumps into
bed with him.

Who'll jump
into bed with me?

It's the cutest thing,
the way Felicia

just throws herself
across your stomach.

Carol's stomach.
Carol will be
taking care of her

- Right, Carol?
- Right.

Oh, my goodness.
I'm going to be late

for my beauty parlor
appointment.

Honey, will you take over
until I get back?

But, dear, I've got
a lot of things...

Andre is just
going to have a fit.

Forgive me for
dashing off, Selma,

but you know how
temperamental these
hairdressers can be.

Oh, of course.

And Wilbur can watch my baby
till you get back.

Of course.
You're not doing anything
important, are you, dear?

No, I was just
working.

I won't be long, honey.
Selma, have a wonderful
vacation.

And don't you worry
a bit about Felicia.

We'll take
good care of her.

Bye.

Oh, Wilbur,
It's such a relief

just knowing Carol will be
watching my Felicia.

Well, at least she can
keep in touch with her by phone.

- Now, you'd better
put this down.
- Yeah, all right.

- Felicia eats
twice a day...
- Twice a day.

But sometimes
she'll want a little snack

around 2:00 or 3:00
in the morning.



Don't bother setting
your alarm, she'll wake you.

Wake Carol,
Carol's taking care of her.

Oh, no, Wilbur,
She'll wake you,
believe me.

Felicia adores men.

Know, she loved my first husband
Wendell till his dying day.

Oh?
What did he die off?

A bite.

Not a cat bite,
It was a rattlesnake.

Oh, that's nice,

I mean at least
we cleared the cat.

What are some of
the other things I should know?

Oh, just a few
minor things.

That cat's gonna take up
all of Wilbur's time.

I'll wind up
talkin' to myself.

Like I'm doin' now.

Now, let's see,
um,

her little
harness and leash--

I have everything
here you'll need.

There it is,
her harness and leash,

her thermometer,

her little vitamin pills--
oh, she loves those.

Her little hair brush.
Oh you better put down,

Felicia must get




- And her little
rubber mouse.
- [SQUEAKING]

- Quite fun, isn't it?
- Oh, Wilbur.

Make sure you let her
catch this little rubber mousey

at least once
each day.

It's good
for her ego.

Yeah, yeah.

Don't you worry,
we'll take good care of her.

She'll have the time
of her nine lives.

Eight lives,
'cause I'm taking
one of them.

No one's stealing
Wilbur away from me.

No sign of that
droopy cat around.

She'd better
stay away from me.

How can Wilbur waste his time
with that mangy cat

when he's got
such a beautiful horse?

Oh, if I had that
flea-bitten little pest

near my back hoofs now...

[MEOWING]

Help!
Wildcat loose!

Oh, me,
I'd better call the cops.

Uh-oh!

I'm dead.
She's cuttin' the phone wires.

Eh, she's staring at me,
giving me the old cat eyes.

Well, we'll see
who hypnotizes who.

What's the use?
She's got the stronger mind.

Let her hypnotize
the other end.

If I can get her
near my hind legs,

I can drop kick her
through the window.

Jump down
on the floor, cat.

Hey...

Help! Wildcat!
Horse k*ller! Wilbur!

What's all the racket?
What's going on here?

Oh, you got here
just in time!

She was giving me
judo chops over the ear!

Oh, come on, Ed.
You're just doing
this to get attention

like a jealous child.

Well, you spent
the whole morning

brushing her and feeding her
and playing with her.

What am I,
a step horse?

Ed, I promise you.
As soon as Carol gets home,

I'll take you out
on the bridle path.

Forget it. Throw a saddle
on the cat and ride her.

One hundred and sixty five,
hundred and sixty six...

Wilbur, I'm home.

Sorry,
I took so long.

Honey, I'm sorry I left you
all afternoon with Felicia,

but I heard about
this fabulous sale at Mayberry's

and what do you
think I picked up?

A suit of long
woolen underwear for me.

What do
you think?

I think I'd be warmer
in the underwear.

Honey, I'm sorry.
I know I promised to take care
of the cat and I will.

- Here, give me that.
- All right.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

- Excuse me, dear.
- Certainly.

Hello?
Oh, hi, Barbara...

Barbara,
why are you crying?

Look, so the cake fell,
so what?

Look, Tom knows you're
a bride and...

Oh, the cake
fell out of the oven.

[SIGHS]
Well...

Okay, Barbara,
I'll be right over.

- Seventy...
- Honey, if I'm late
for supper...

Oh, don't worry,
the cat and I will split
a can of sardines.

Oh, that reminds me.
Tonight is Felicia's night
for liver.

Would you mind picking it up
at the butcher's?

Why bother?
I'll take her dinner dancing.

Aw.

Bye.

Now, where was I?
Ah, you can't count.

Um, 190, 191...

[CLEARING THROAT]
Wilbur, will you do me a favor?

- Okay, Ed, what is it?
- While you're at the butchers,

pick me up four pounds
of chicken giblets.

Four pounds
of chicken giblets?

Make it five,
I'm starved.

You've got to be kidding.
Horses don't eat chicken
giblets.

Then how come
I just ordered five pounds?

Horses are vegetarians,
I thought.

I mean, they only eat
hay and grass.

That's 'cause no one
ever offers us any
chicken giblets.

Okay, If it's
chicken giblets you want,

- that's what
you're gonna get.
- [MEOWING]

Oh be quiet,
you're going back to bed.

See you later, Ed.

Yeah, that'll keep Wilbur
at the butcher's long enough

for me to get rid of that
whiskered old fleabag.

Number 12?

- Bingo!
- Right.

- All right, mister,
what'll you have?
- A liver.

All right, a beef liver,
calf's liver,

pork liver,
goose liver?

Cat liver.

It's for my cat.
I don't know what kind
she likes.

Oh, well, why don't you
give her a little bit of each?

You know,
like a smorgasbord.

I don't know.
Is that smart to mix livers?

What's she gonna do,
eat or drive?

Please, I'm in a hurry.

We'll just be
a minute, madam.

Oh, would you happen
to have a pet, madam?

A dog.

Oh, what does he
like to eat?

Cats.

What kind of a cat
do you have, mister?

Siamese.

You've got a Siamese cat?

And you're gonna
feed her liver?

We've got a Siamese cat, mister.
You know what we feed it?

- Filet mignon.
- Good.

Maybe sometime your cat
can invite my cat for dinner.

Now, look, mister.
I've owned a Siamese cat

- for a long--
- [PHONE RINGING]

Excuse me.

Schultz's Meat Market.

Hello, this is Dr. Edwards,
City Hospital.

One of our violent patients
just escaped.

Headed for my market?
How will I know him?

He's trying to buy five pounds
of chicken giblets for his
horse.

But they don't eat that.

Of course not.
I'd get sick.

I mean, the horse would.

N-now-- now look, Doc,

if he shows up,
what'll I do with him?

Stall him till I get there
with the wagon.

Oh, and keep him away
from the knives and the
meat cleavers.

Right.
Bye now.

That oughta keep Wilbur there
till I get rid of the cat.

Oh, the things a horse
has to do to keep his man.

I'll get you your liver.

Is there anything
else you want?

Yes, I'd like five pounds
of chicken giblets.

Right.

Five pounds
of chicken giblets?

For whom are they for?

Oh, well, you're not
gonna believe this--

Your horse, right?

How did you know?

Who else but a horse
would eat five pounds
of chicken giblets?

Pardon me.

Oh, my, my, my, mister,
you look tired.

Why don't you just
sit down and relax?

I'm not tired.
I just want my liver
and chicken giblets.

Of course you do.

I think it's
very charming of you

to feed your horse
five pounds of chicken giblets.

I once knew a horse
who lived entirely
on Lobster Newburg.

What's going on here?

- Shh, shh.
- Are you two crazy?

His doctor's
coming to get him.

Doctor?
What did you say?

Now don't excite
yourself, sir.

Doctor Edwards
will be here in a moment.

Edwards?

Doctor Edwards?

Did he have a very
low, deep voice?

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Now, why don't you just
sit down and wait
for your doctor?

Doctor, ha!

He's the one who ordered
the chicken giblets.

Boy, the kooks that come
into my market.

Isn't it awful?

Kooks.
Just plain kooks.

Now, what may I
do for you, madam?

Oh, I want a pound
of chopped meat.

And grind it in the shape
of a heart.

It's my dog's birthday.

Hello,
animal shelter?

I'd like you
to pick up a skunk.

Yeah, I'll hold on.

Ed, that wasn't funny,

calling the butcher
and telling him I was batty.

Ordering chicken giblets
for a horse?

That's normal?

You told me to.

If you're gonna listen
to everything I tell ya,

you're really
gonna be batty.

Never mind that.
Where's the cat?

What cat?

[MEOWS]

Uh-oh.

[MEOWS]

Uh, don't worry,
Wilbur.

I called the animal shelter
to pick up that skunk.

A skunk
that says "meow"?

If a horse can talk,
a skunk can say "meow."

So that's why you tried
to keep me at the butcher's.

So you could paint
this poor little cat.

Why do I always get blamed?

How else would
that stripe get there?

I don't know.

Maybe she took a nap
in the middle of the highway

and the white line
rubbed off.

Or maybe a certain horse
is jealous.

Come on, honey.
See you later, Dr. Edwards.

[MEOWS]

I gotta win Wilbur back.

He's not much
but he's all I've got.

[MEOWS]

Hi, Felicia.
[LAUGHS]

Big deal.

You wanna play, huh?

Yes, I know you do.
Well, we'll find something
for you to play with.

How about a nice
ball of wool, huh?

Take the needles out?

You want-- oh, wait.
There we go.

All right.

There you go.
Go on, play, play, play.

[ED MEOWS]

Ed.

Are you out of your mind?

I'm your little pussycat.

You get back in the barn
before Carol comes home.

[GRUNTS]

Catch me
in your arms, Daddy.

No, Ed.
Don't jump.

- No.
- Here I come.

Ed-- now, Ed--

whoa, ah!

[CRASH]

ED:
Hiya, buddy boy.

I'm sorry I did
this to you, Wilbur.

Honest.

Crazy horse.

You coulda k*lled me.

I brought you
a few little gifts, Wilbur.

Ed, you didn't have to
do this, you know?

I just want you to know
your little horsey cares.

Not like a certain cat.

What's Felicia
doing, Ed?

Oh, she's jumping around,
playing, having a ball.

Like you died
and left her a fortune.

Well, face it, Ed.
A cat is not a horse.

"Get well Clancy,
from the boys at Plumbers
Local 7."

Where did you get this?

I swiped it from
the next room.

Ed, you didn't!

Whatever it is,
I hope it fits you
or tastes good.

Wha--

"For you, my love,
there'll be no other.

Congratulations,
little mother."

I hope you name it
after me, Wilbur.

Ed, you take these things
right back where you got 'em.

You crazy horse!

Telling me you love me
and then pull a trick like this!

You go back to the barn,
eat your hay, and go to sleep!

Gee, and don't you
try to fool me

or I'll-- I'll have
your phone taken out!

A horse told him
he loved him?

That's what he said.

He took a pretty bad fall.

Maybe we x-rayed
the wrong end.

ED:
Ready for your bath, sir?

Ed!

Get outta here
before they throw you out.

They can't,
it's visiting hours.

How did you
get in here?

I called the floor nurse
and told her she was
wanted in surgery.

- And she went?
- At her age, she's glad
to be wanted anywhere.

NURSE:
I tell ya, Doctor,
he needs attention.

Ed, quick.
Hide in the bathroom!

I can't go
in there, Wilbur.

- Why not?
- It doesn't say
"horses" on the door.

Get in there!

Okay, okay,
but it sure is undignified.

Shut the door!

Well, how are we
getting along, Mr. Post?

Ah, just fine.
I'm going home tomorrow,
Doc, right?

Well, we'll see.

Uh, I understand
you had a visitor tonight.
A horse.

Oh, then, you saw him?

And the horse
told you he loved you,
didn't he?

You heard him, too.

I'm glad somebody else
has finally heard him.

Now, we're going to
move you upstairs tomorrow,

where it's nice and quiet
and cheerful.

I go home tomorrow, Doc.

You'll make
a lot of friends up there.

In fact, we have a man
who has a talking squirrel.

A talking squirrel?

Oh, wait till
Ed hears that.

He won't feel
such a freak.

Mr. Post, just think.

You don't really expect me to
believe that your horse talks?

I believe
your squirrel talks.

That's the least
you can do.

Be calm, Mr. Post.
We can discuss this tomorrow
during basket weaving.

I don't think
you believe I even
have a horse.

Now, now,
just relax now.

You take a look
in that bathroom
and see for yourself.

Mr. Post, we must learn
to face reality.

Please repeat after me.

There is no horse
in that bathroom.

- But, Doctor--
- Now, please do as I say.

There is no horse
in that bathroom.

"There is no horse
in that bathroom."

Now, once again.
There is no horse
in that ba--

See you
at basket weaving, Doc?

Okay, honey, jump.
That's it.

Now, Ed,
foot's as good as new.

I can't wait
to go riding again.

Hey.

Ah, what's going on here?

We're going hunting.

Hunting?

You're holding the only cat
that chases mice on horseback.

Well, I'm glad to see
you've gotten over your
jealousy of Felicia.

Yeah, she's not so bad.

Hey, Wilbur,
let's ride into town.

Into town?
What for?

Well, I got a sudden craving
for five pounds...

BOTH:
...of chicken giblets.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse is
the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yackety-yak a streak
and waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak unless
he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

♪ I am Mister Ed. ♪

MAN:
This has been
a Filmways presentation.