03x21 - Mother of the Bride

[bunniefuu]

Ooh!

Hey.

[Humming]

Right there.

Martin, you got enough wedding magazines around here?

Those are not mine.

Those are gina's.

She getting some wedding ideas.

Oh, yes.

Yeah. Yeah.

Cole, what are you doing with that, man?

I'm saving this for me and big shirley's wedding day.

She's going to wear a dress like this one.

What you going to make it out of-- a car cover?

If I can find a white one.

You decided on a wedding band yet?

What would I get a band for?

I'm getting a deejay. Is that o.k.?

M-martin, I mean a wedding band--

You know, a ring.

She already got an engagement ring.

Whazzup?

Yo. This is what I would do. Check it.

I'm going to sneak big shirley's engagement ring off

While she sleep.

Then give it back to her at the altar!

Ah ha!

What if she wakes up?

That's what the pork chop is for...

Distraction.

Oh! You going to take the meat to distract her!

Captioning made possible by warner bros.

♪ Lawrence ♪♪

We're going in three minutes,

I got to get the rest of that stuff.

You been out shopping for the wedding.

Come give me the luscious, girl.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Yeesh!

Oh. Am I bad? Am I bad?

You couldn't pay me to kiss crusty lips

Looking like two powdered doughnuts.

I don't want to kiss you either--

Even if your mouth's cleaner than a human's.

Now, back up off me.

Whatever.

Back up off me.

Pamela, let me see this checklist again.

Gina, how many times are you going to check this list?

Just do it, please.

Look at this.

How am I going to get everything done before the wedding?

We picked out the cake.

Check.

Ordered the invitations.

Check.

Martin, did you reserve hotel rooms

For our out-of-town guests?

Uh, check.

I'll check on it first thing tomorrow.

Baby, you didn't make the reservations?

There may not be any rooms left!

Would you calm down?

Some people can stay here.

I'm sure pam has room in the stable next to her.

Whatever, inchworm.

Anyway, martin, did you make your wedding vows

Like you promised me?

I'm not going to change them wedding vows.

The best ones have already been written.

To love, obey...

To cherish. Obey.

In sickness and in health.

Obey.

Baby, it don't get no better than that.

Go on. Take a squat.

Ha ha!

You haven't obeyed anything I asked you to do

About this wedding.

Gina, would you relax?

Planning a wedding's like planning a big party.

Just without the forties, baby.

Ain't nothing to it but to do it.

You don't get it, man!

This is our wedding!

I have got to pick out the bouquet,

Buy my shoes,

Figure out whether we're going to serve chicken or fish by tomorrow.

Chicken or fish, chicken or fish--

Can I get some help?

Gina--

What you asking her for?

Pam don't know nothing about chicken or fish.

But she damn sure know about kibbles 'n' bits.

Why don't you take your little a*s outside

And go climb a speed bump?

This is your day.

You need to call your mama.

Yes, maybe I will call--

I got to give it to you on that one, pam,

But, yeah, call your mama,

'Cause that's a woman's thing.

If you need the oil changed or the hedges trimmed,

I'm your man.

We don't have hedges.

We can get some, babe.

Just chop-chop.

Pam, I'm so glad you're in my wedding.

No problem, girl.

Wow.

No problem.

You know, I love it when you're happy.

That was a beautiful moment you both shared.

You make her happy when you help her out.

That's my girl. That's my girl.

If she's happy, I'm happy.

I'm glad you're in the wedding.

Really, martin?

Yeah. This way, we don't have to throw rice.

All you got to do is shake your head,

Let the flakes fly.

Dandruff everywhere.

So, gina's mom's coming to help plan the wedding, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

I told gina straight up.

I ain't planning no wedding like a little punk.

You the man, you the man.

To martin...

The almost married man.

Here's to your ball and chain, dawg!

Oh!

Go right back at you--

Bald and brain.

Looking like scully, huh?

Ha ha ha!

Oh.

So, martin, uh,

Gina's parents, are they paying for the wedding?

No. Me and gina thought it would be best

That we pay for the wedding.

They doing the planning,

But you going to do the paying?

That's right.

[Giggles] [giggles]

What's all the giggling about, man?

Nothing. Nothing.

I'm glad they're planning the wedding.

All I got to do is show up,

Slob down my bride--

[Kissing sounds]

And then we out.

Are you sure you want gina and her mama

Making every decision about your wedding?

Think about it. They're out there now

Deciding how much of yourmoney

To spend on some fancy wedding.

You ain't got no say-so about it.

Mrs. Waters is ordering expensive flowers,

When you know them cheap plastic ones look just as good.

Steak and lobster,

Wine and champagne--

You know, them expensive ones.

Like dom ping-nong?

And I hope it's not all-you-can-eat,

'Cause big shirley going to wreck a buffet table.

Just...

I've been there.

Martin, you need to take control.

Family and friends are the ones

You got to look out for the most.

People got to understand, life is like a - thing.

Here's your check, martin.

$.

Cole, I'm glad you said about that - thing.

You and tommy can split that -.

I'm going to step on out.

I'm going to handle this.

Martin, how about a tip?

Oh, you want a tip?

Slow down on the meaty gravy.

I'm out.

Ma. O.k.

These are the bridesmaids' dresses.

Gina, I don't want to hurt your feelings,

But those dresses are really ugly.

Ma...

Nobody's going to look better than the bride.

[Giggles]

I taught you well, snookums.

Oh, mommy.

I am so glad you're here.

Oh, me, too, sweetie.

Hey!

Hey, mrs. Waters.

Martin! How is my favorite son-in-law to be?

I'm good. I'm good.

Give mommy a kiss!

What's gina going to think?

Oh, go on. Get out of here.

It's good to see you, mrs. Waters.

It's good to see you.

Thank you. What y'all been up to?

We're just making plans for the wedding reception.

O.k. Well, what you got?

Let me know what's happening.

Isn't that sweet?

Martin's pretending he wants to help.

Oh, no, I'm not pretending.

I got good ideas, mrs. Waters.

So, what's happening?

We're picking out the table favors.

I like this one 'cause it's a champagne glass.

I've got to stop you there.

Too expensive.

Come on. Give me another one.

We'll come back to that. Let's discuss the menu.

Have you picked chicken or fish?

Personally, I prefer--

Ba-da ba-bam.

Got to stop you one more time.

Wouldn't it be dope

If everybody brought their own food?

That way everybody gets what they want.

Ain't nobody biting on something

They don't want to bite on.

Martin, that is ridiculous.

You can't ask people to bring their own food.

There's a hoochie burger next to the church.

They can get the hoochie burger value pack.

It's $.-- Well, I don't know what the price is,

But you get buns, biscuits,

Uh, and--and two legs and a thigh.

Gina...

Tell me he is not serious.

Ma, I wish I could.

Martin, sweetie,

Mommy hired a wedding planner

Who's going to help us make decisions.

And tomorrow when she comes,

Perhaps we could entertain your little suggestions.

All right.

Thank you very much.

But I got a lot of ideas.

Like, we don't need to rent no limo,

'Cause the buses run every hour on the hour.

Get a bunch of transfers and we straight.

We just duh-boomp right on the bus.

Y'all ain't got to look at me with the violent looks.

The buses are--

People don't want to ride buses.

As you see from previous weddings I've planned,

We use both a groom's cake and a bridal cake.

That sounds like a good idea.

Yay, mommy. I want that.

And I'm in the house. Whazzup?

Baby, come here.

I want you to meet ms. Lewis, our wedding planner.

Hey!

And this must be the groom!

And what a handsome little groom you are!

Oh! That I am!

Thank you.

What you going to do for us?

We were just about to set the mood.

And the word for the day is...

Elegance.

Ohh...elegance.

Right, right.

Elegance.

[Gina] ooh!

[Martin] oh, snap!

You got milli vanilli up here?

They came back up--

Martin! Martin!

And...

[Playing classical music]

Ohh...

That music is so lovely.

Yes, isn't it?

We play classical music throughout the reception.

How tommy and them supposed to tootsie roll to that, gina?

I am so glad you brought that up.

That's why I thought ballroom dancing lessons would be in order.

[Stereo plays a waltz]

[Giggles]

I like this.

This is nice.

Don't catch a beat down, brother.

[Knock on door]

Ha ha! Right on time.

I'm going to show y'all what time it is

When you're planning a realwedding.

Check this out!

What's happening, chief?

Who in here getting married?

I got a wedding to plan.

Everybody, this is my wedding planner--

Hustle man.

Come on in.

At your services, chief.

You have a wedding planner?

No, no. Hustle man cannot be a wedding planner.

Besides, we already have a wedding planner.

You have yours...

And I have mine.

Oh, gina,

Let's just get on with it.

Miss lewis, please continue.

Yes.

In keeping with the theme of elegance,

I suggest we use long-stemmed, french-cut red roses.

[Sniffing]

That's nice.

Pardon me, sugar bop, honey bun.

I don't mean to intercept,

But I suggest we use the plastic ones,

'Cause those red ones going to be dead before y'all say "I do."

Use the plastic ones.

You can beat 'em,

You can do whatever you want with them,

And you'll never lose a leaf.

This is really so very amusing,

But we're not going to use plastic flowers.

If you had been here earlier,

You would have seen my video

And realized, as I do,

That fresh flowers are so much better.

See that? She's a professional.

She has her own video.

Do she now?

Well, I guess it's our showtime.

Hit it.

Bam!

Let's set your vcr.

Vcr. I like this tv, too.

[Music plays]

[Woman] ohh! Oh, big daddy.

Ohh!

You're the best.

[Squeals with delight]

Say my name.

Oh. Wrong tape.

As y'all can see, I do honeymoons, too.

No, don't let that bother you.

That was some beautiful art, hustle man.

Wasn't that beautiful?

That was disgusting.

What movie was that?

Well, if you're quite finished

With your def jam shenanigans,

Let's continue on with the food.

Yeah, the food. But, mrs. Waters,

I didn't know you had a little freak in y'all.

I mean, it's just the way you reacted

When you popped the tape in.

[Laughing]

Mrs. Waters, will you be doing the cooking?

Oh, this is a charade.

I'm getting a migraine.

How much do those cost?

My man just bought a miata.

Oh!

What with her?

Never mind.

Let me get that tape later, o.k.?

I have a whole case.

Martin, this is supposed to be

The most important day of my life,

And you're joking about it?

You're the one that got ebony and ivory

Running around in tight-a*s drawers,

And I'm the one joking?

They're very nice men!

Be a bit more sensitive!

What do you mean?

Silence, please! I implore you!

I've come here to plan a wedding,

And gosh darn it, I'm going to plan one!

Oh, my.

I am so sorry.

I've behaved in a way that's so much less than elegant.

Please excuse me.

Where were we?

We were talking about the food.

[Mumbling]

I ain't said--

Be nice to them.

I am being--

Oh, look.

It's our beautiful first course.

Ohh!

It's stuffed artichoke hearts

Surrounded by fresh santa barbara bay shrimp

On a bed of baby butter lettuce.

Ohh!

Do you believe that, gina?

You know those shrimps won't be fresh

Coming all the way from santa barbara.

That's exactly why I recommend this.

[Gasps]

Oh, good god!

Mmm.

What is it?

I'm glad you asked that.

This here is chitling loaf.

Oh!

[Retching]

She's just a little nauseous.

Let me ask you a question.

Did you sprinkle the basil in there?

I told my baby that's how you like it.

See, baby.

You put one of these at every table

With a bottle of hot sauce or tabasco--

Whichever one you like--

And it's on like donkey kong.

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

I'm not serving chitling loaf at my wedding.

Check it out. This is your loss.

This go down easy and don't come up rough.

That's it.

Either he goes...

Or I do.

See ya.

Oh, I don't think so, hustleperson!

You want a piece of me?

Let's go!

Hey, gina, grab your girl!

Hold on! Hold on!

Miss lewis, ain't going to be no fighting up here.

You got to roll.

No! That's my wedding planner.

She's not going anywhere.

Hustle man's my wedding planner,

And he ain't going a damn place.

The bottom line is,

How much is this going to cost?

Well, I think I could swing it for an even .

,?

That's pretty steep, miss lewis.

She trying to rob you.

I could do it for an even gs.

Gs?

Man, have you lost your damn mind?

Get to stepping. Out. All of you.

You came looking for me, man.

You came to my corner for this.

I don't have to take this.

And I didn't think you'd charge no gs.

That's right. He's right.

Everybody got to go. Miss lewis?

You know, this is all your fault.

Girl, stop crying.

Dig this here.

I got a -ounce with some extra cups.

We can get down on this chitling loaf, me and you,

Talk partnership.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I suppose I could use a drink...

Handsome.

Go ahead...

Goodbye.

Out!

No, baby, don't close that door.

Uh, men on film,

Skip your asses on out of here.

Skip? Why?

Skippy and jiffy.

So, what you think, we should have a dollar dance?

Ain't nobody going to be bumping and grinding at my wedding.

You can forget that.

Except for us. We going to bump--

[Sighs]

It's been a long day.

I just wanted to say good night.

I'm sorry the wedding planners didn't work out.

Mom, it's o.k.

Martin and I are going to do this together.

We're planning a simple, inexpensive, elegant wedding.

That's right.

I just want your wedding day to be perfect.

As long as martin's standing by my side, it will be.

Ohh! Isn't that sweet?

It was, mrs. Waters!

Baby!

Don't get started.

Isn't that nice?

Oh, snookums.

Good night. Mmm.

Night, mom.

I want one.

Night, martin.

Mmm. Night.

[All talking at once]

Good night.

Do you know what?

Your mother is so special.

She's sweet, baby.

Yeah. She is.

Martin. Martin?

Yes?

Did you write your wedding vows like I told you to?

Not yet.

You promised me.

No, baby.

I--

You know why? Because right now--

What?

I'm working on the honeymoon.

Martin, don't even try it.

My mother's in the other room.

Come on. She can't hear.

Stop! Yes, she can.

Put your leg up.

Yes, she can, martin.

She cannot, baby.

Yes, she can!

Damn!

How she--

She like the bionic woman.

Toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot, toot.

But she's still sweet.