03x19 - Best and Bester

[bunniefuu]

♪ Lawrence ♪♪

We're going in three minutes,

I gotcha!

Oh, yes!

Hey, what's up, fellas?

What's up, big tom?

Just got back from listening to gina and pam fight

Over the wedding dresses.

What's the fight about?

Don't pam get a shiny new fur coat every spring?

Why can't she wear that?

Sporty, you know that?

That is sporty, man.

Women be trippin', man.

Brothers don't be arguing over no weddings.

You know why?

'Cause we boys, dog.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, what is there to argue about?

If I were the best man,

I'd only worry about the tux

Because mine has to be specially made.

I'd only have to worry about getting some new shoes

Because me and moms can't be sharing.

I don't think it matters

Who gonna be the best man.

There ain't gonna be no static.

You don't give a damn, do you, tom?

Don't give a damn, dog.

That's what I thought.

How about you, cole?

I don't even know what you're talking about.

I'm glad to hear that

Because we too tight for all this.

Y'all know that, right?

Martin, I've known you, sh**t, uh...

, Years now, man.

Hangin', a lot of hangin'.

You know what I was thinking?

I've known you two weeks longer than tommy.

You know what? You sure have

Because when I ran into you,

You was a wild buck.

Yeah, you go on.

You go on.

Martin, remember that time you had that fight

With big tyrone, right,

And cole went running?

Cole went running. He was going like this.

Yeah, yeah. He was running at the same time.

What the hell you running for, cole?

What's up with that, man?

Remember the time tommy borrowed your car

And he wrecked it? Remember that?

He said it was a hit and run.

Tommy hit a lamppost, and he ran.

Tommy.

Yeah, you know.

That cost me a grip, man. What's up?

You remember that time, martin,

When cole brought that woman at your house?

Remember that?

How could I forget?

The whole place smelled like ham.

She wasn't even glazed, man.

That's pretty funny, tommy.

That's not half as funny as the time

You kissed chante holliday.

Yeah, you remember chante, don't you?

That was your first girlfriend. Mmm!

What the hell's going on?

Come on, martin. Everybody went there, dog.

What do you mean everybody went there, man?

I still have love in my heart for that girl, man.

Remember that time when we were , right,

And your turtle disappeared?

Snappy?

Mm-hmm.

You see, martin, snappy didn't run away.

No, no, no, see...

Cole k*lled him.

May he rest in pieces.

You k*lled snappy?

No!

It's all right. It's all right.

This whole time I thought...

I thought snappy's blood pressure went up.

Man, I'm sorry. It was an accident, all right?

I was out in back riding my bike, you know,

And then snappy just darted out in front.

[Makes squishing sound]

You tell me how the hell a three-legged turtle

Gonna dart out in front of you.

What the hell you laughing at, tommy,

Slobbing down my girl?

What's that about?

We were just years old.

Yes, old man.

Let me tell you something.

It's time for the natural born k*ller

And the bald-headed cheater to roll.

Why'd you go and make him mad?

You the one trying to be the best man.

You stole his woman.

She was on her way to stankville, anyway.

No, baby.

I can't believe it.

I know, baby. I know. I know.

I mean, snappy was special.

I'm sure he was, martin,

But none of this would have happened

If you had picked your best man weeks ago.

Oh, gina, that's easy for you to say, baby.

You got pam as your best man.

Look, martin. Look.

Why don't we make a list

Of tommy and cole's best qualities?

Whoever has the most will be your best man.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, I'm getting it out.

All right, let's start with cole.

What are cole's positives?

O.k., Cole's positives.

Cole's positives.

[Jeopardy!theme plays]

[Makes buzzer sound]

Gotta pass.

Gotta pass on that one.

We'll go to tommy, then go back to cole.

Tommy--number one--

He has good manners.

He'll bring dignity to the ceremony.

Yeah. All right.

He's mature.

He looks good in a suit.

Very debonair.

And he's with pam,

Who's my maid of honor.

[Makes buzzer sound]

That's a negative. Go on back to cole.

All right, martin. All right.

There must be something good about cole.

Let me think for a second.

O.k., Cool. Got one.

Cole is reliable.

Yes, reliable.

Remember when he ran in the snow,

Came back with the pizza?

You don't get no more reliable than that.

O.k., Another one. Give me one more.

Oh, he owns a g*ng of hats.

g*ng of hats.

Yeah, that's good. We can go there.

He ain't got much, but o.k.

Tabulation it up.

Uh...

Well, looking at the list,

It looks like it's going to be tommy.

Oh, no, no, no.

Tommy lost some points with the pam thing.

There's got to be a better way to do this.

You want to make this a contest?

If that's what you want?

[Knock on door]

Who's this at the door?

Hey!

Hey.

What's up, tom?

Look, martin...

I'm really sorry I acted so childish this morning.

I didn't think about that.

That's behind us there.

This is for you.

Oh, man.

Oh!

I love you, man.

Oh, tommy.

Baby, a sports watch!

I think we got a winner.

[Knock on door]

Who's interrupting the gift-giving?

Man, thank you, man.

Hey, hey. What's up, man?

What's happening, cole?

I just wanted to apologize

For about what happened earlier.

That's past... I squashed that.

Cool, because I wanted you to have something.

Another gift?

Let me get that for you. All right.

Thank you, cole.

Thank you, man. You are beautiful friends.

Beautiful friends.

I'm anxious. I'm anxious

Oh, man!

It's a turtle!

Snappy, jr.!

Snappy, jr., Baby!

Oh, thank you, cole.

Take that.

Oh, hey, snappy, jr.

Martin, martin.

Yeah.

The thing ain't moving.

Cole, did you put any holes in the box?

If the turtle can breathe inside the shell,

He can breathe inside the box.

Come on, snappy.

Uh, cole...

That be dead, man.

That be dead. That be dead.

Oh, no! Not again!

[Mumbling]

Wake up, snappy.

Hey, what's up, girl?

Hey, what can I say?

Hey, martin. Sit right here, buddy.

What's happening, pet cemetery?

I'm sorry about that.

Come on, look. I got something for you.

What is it, man?

A dead frog, squirrel, chimpanzee?

What is it, cole?

It ain't nothing like that.

Just go ahead and open the gift.

You want me to punch some holes in it?

All right, all right.

I wonder what...

Oh, cole.

Yeah.

It's a picture frame, man.

That's a picture of me and you.

Check the date.

That's two weeks before you met this one.

Look how happy we were.

Just cheesin'.

Thank you, cole. This is a beautiful gift.

Uh, martin.

I got something, too, man.

Let me set up my picture frame.

Let me sing next...

Friends...

I mean...

♪ How many of us have them? ♪♪

What you got?

Bam!

Whoop!

Two piston tickets, front row, dog.

Oh!

Dang, man!

Oh!

Man, the pistons and orlando.

I'm going to go see shaq,

Penny hardaway! Yeah! Yeah!

Playing against grant hill.

Tommy, this is the best. Thank you, man.

What you got, cole?

Those are nice tickets, tommy. Really.

But you can take a picture of you and shaq

With your new hoshi-flashy . Yeah.

Retail value--$..

Tax and title not included.

Oh!

Thank you!

Man, how does this work?

You push this here and it comes open.

Man, this is a camera.

This is the best, man.

Oh...

What you got, big tom?

All right.

Well, martin, you are now the proud owner

Of your very own, brand-new...

Sharice, tell him what he's got.

It's a brand-new, full-color, hand-held tv.

Oh!

I'm gonna watch the martin show

And def jamon this.

That's right.

Man, I get all choked up.

I start getting...

I'm touched, man.

Let me tell y'all something.

They say material things don't matter.

Not really.

Damn it, they're wrong.

They're wrong.

They do matter.

Let me hug my gifts.

I got to go off.

I'm getting emotional, man.

Get all choked up.

I'll be back.

Let me get a look at my boys.

Hey, cole, you are not going to win.

I'm going to be martin's best man.

I'm his best friend,

So I'm going to be his best man.

I'm his best friend.

Check the date. Check the date.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, man.

What is going on?

Two friends fighting off like that,

Especially so close to my gifts.

Now cut it out.

We all best friends.

Now which one of my best friends

Are going to bring my gifts out to the car, huh?

And hurry it up, please. I got to go.

Come on.

Pam! Come on, girl!

Let me see how it looks!

I'm not coming out unless you close the blinds

And cover all the mirrors.

I'm not going through all that. Come on!

Look at me.

Look at me.

Pam, you look so cute.

You have got to wear this style more often.

Oh, my god. Seriously.

Gina, don't even try it.

I look like celie from the color purple.

I know what you're trying to do.

You don't want anybody in the wedding party

To look better than you.

I can't believe you would say that.

I would never do that to anybody.

Just put on the headpiece

So I can see how it looks, please.

Oh, damn!

What? What, martin?

Tommy got the wrong size.

How does he expect to be my best man

If he can't get the right damn size?

I want you to mark points off on tommy.

No. I'm not mark--

Mark it. I want it marked.

Martin, tommy and cole can't afford all this stuff.

Well, then they shouldn't have bought it.

Who is this knocking on the damn door

While I'm in my robe with my baby?

Hey, what's up?

Hey, cole.

Oh, baby, cole brought me luggage, antique.

Actually, I got kicked to the curb.

What?

Big shirley threw me out

After I spent her curly fry money on you.

You fell off since last night?

Word. But you know what?

It don't bother me none

Knowing I'm going to be your best man.

If you need a place, you can stay here.

Thanks, gina. Where can I put my drawers?

I'll make space in the dresser.

You won't put his drawers in with my drawers.

Ain't going to be no mingling of drawers.

Fine. Fine.

[Knock on door]

Who is this knocking one more time?

Where can I rest my drawers, dog?

Tommy, you, too?

Lost my apartment.

I spent all my money on your gifts.

You know what the most important thing is?

I'm still your best man.

Martin, can I talk to you over here, please?

Tommy, let the man go.

Damn.

Now, sweetie, you do realize

That this is all your fault, right?

My fault?

Gina, they forced the gifts on me.

That doesn't matter, martin.

They don't have anything because of you.

Look at what you just did to them.

All right, baby. You're right.

I mean, they sticking by me.

I guess I got to stick by them.

They spent all their money on me.

O.k.

I'm proud of you...

For whatever reason.

Tommy, cole...

Cole, tommy...

Uh...

Tommy, cole...

Cole, tommy...

You can stay here for as long as you want...

Just be out by monday.

Check out time is noon,

And all phone calls will be extra.

[Arguing]

Sid and harry are through.

Martin, we need some more nachos.

Can you get us some more?

You want some more nachos, huh?

Yeah.

Carry your freeloading-a*s home.

Well, y'all, guess it is getting kind of late.

Hey, martin, I got something

I got to tell you.

What you got to tell me?

I can't go to sleep

Without a bedtime story.

What?

Um, you, too, cole?

I can't sleep...

Two grown-a*s men, and you can't...

Let me tell you something.

I ain't reading no bedtime story.

"I do like them, sam I am."

"I do like...

Green eggs and ham."

Look at them, baby.

They asleep...

Looking like a fake-a*s j.j. And michael.

I'm going to brush my teeth and wash up.

All right.

Oh, cole, come on, man.

This is my bathroom. Come on up out here.

Martin, don't be rude. These are your houseguests.

Damn that, baby.

Oh, the cheese on nachos

Give a brother gas.

Oh...

Martin...

Look at tommy.

Ain't this a b*tch.

I know you're not shaving you skull bald

In my sink, tommy.

I always shave my head before I go to sleep.

Martin, look at cole.

You're not clipping your crusty-a*s toenails up in here, man.

Just one more...

Aah!

Get away from it!

Cole and tommy, you got to go!

Cole, out! I want you out!

But, martin!

But, martin, what, baby?

That toenail could have hurt you.

That toenail could have hurt you.

Martin, we gonna roll then,

But you got to read us another bedtime story.

What the hell's so funny?

We got you back.

What do you mean?

For playing your two best friends against each other

To be the best man.

That ain't right.

Get it?

I get it.

No way.

No way.

Get out.

You heard me. Get out.

Neither one of us cares who's the best man, anyway.

Look, it is not my fault.

Gina made me pick.

And you still haven't picked.

You have to have a best man.

What are you saying, I got to choose?

Yes. Yes.

You don't...

Baby, I don't...

Need you.

Eenie, meenie, minie, moe...

Pick the skull boy by his...

I'm going to go with tommy...

You always liked him better.

And cole.

What?

Baby, this is a hoshi-flashy moment.

Get the camera and take pictures of me

And my two best men.

Come on, man.

You know y'all not getting your gifts back, right?

Smile.


This is for you.

I'm taken aback, man.

This is a gift, man.

Gift, man.

I'll get that.

No, I'll get it.

Just hold on a minute.

I know if I don't get it right,

The continuity won't be the same.

Makes a lot of sense.

It does, man. It does.