02x25 - The Anniversary Show

[bunniefuu]

♪ There is more to life
than what you're living

♪ So take a chance
and face the wind

♪ An open road
and a road that's hidden

♪ Brand new life
around the bend

♪ There were times
I lost a dream or two

♪ Found the trail
and at the end was you

♪ There's a path you take
and a path not taken

♪ The choice is up to you
my friend

♪ Nights are long
but you might awaken

♪ To a brand new life

♪ Brand new life

♪ Brand new life
around the bend ♪

Okay, okay!
Keep your shirt on.

She'll be right out.

Come on, Angela.
Taxi's here.

It's not gonna wait all day.

Ah, they'll wait, Mona.
You got the money,
they got the time.

Tony, did you pack me
a warm sweater?

It gets nippy in San Francisco
this time of year.

I packed you
a warm sweater.

-Pack me a nightgown?
-Your flannel PJs.

The snuggly ones
with the feet.

That isn't very
business-trippy.

You're right, Angela.
Don't wear 'em to meetings.

Ugh, I'm off.

Goodbye, Mother.

-Bye.
-Goodbye, Tony.

Angela.

Aren't you
forgetting something?

Goodbye, Tony.

No, Angela.
Not "Goodbye, Tony."

-This.
-Oh, that.

Who is that enormous woman?

That's Celeste Louise,
my cousin.

Oh, well.
You know what they say.

The camera always
adds 30 pounds.

Come on now.
Look at that face!

Look at those cheeks!

They're not that big
when she's not eating.

Angela, she'd be the perfect
model for that Italian
foods account.

I've already got the model,
thank you.

That's what this meeting
in San Francisco is all about.

Angela, I'm telling you now.
Celeste Louise, she'd
be perfect.

Hey, she loves Italian food!

Yeah. And she doesn't look
like a picky eater.

Huh?

It's not the image
we want to project.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Angela, are you...
Are you...
Are you kidding me, Angela?

Hey, wait a minute.

You know,
you don't like this cousin,

I got another cousin.

She's half as heavy.

'Course, she's
a little shorter, too.

-Are you sure?
- Am I sure?

Mr. Vionelli, I've been
in the PR business for...

Well, long enough to rent some
pretty nice furniture.

Angela here has done
a real swell job
with the ad campaign.

But now we're
into Mickey Day territory.

Public relations.

I am gonna peel
your Princess Vionelli

off your label,
and stuff her

right into the hearts
of pasta lovers everywhere.

I'm paying you, right?

Not enough!

Because I found
the perfect princess.

And her name is...
Are you ready for this?

I'm gonna count to three.

Joyce Columbus.

Ye-llo.

Angela's here.

-You can go in.
-Thank you.

-Thank you.
-You, sit.

But I've been waiting
all morning to see Mr. Day.

Mickey stepped out.
I'm very sorry.

Angie! Damn glad to see you.

Hello, Mickey.

I'm insincere.

I'm Angela Bower.

Ah, Miss Bower.
A pleasure to
finally meet you.

I love your campaign,
those billboards.

"Who is Princess Vionelli?"

-Genius.
-Thank you.

Mickey was telling
me how he found
this Joyce person.

Oh, he found her?

It was, er,
one of those freak things.

I looked everywhere
and finally I turned
around and there she was.

Sitting in my office.

Talk about luck!

But I made an appointment.

See. Nine o'clock.

-Does it say "AM"?
-Yes.

Now it doesn't.

Sit.

I'm Joyce Columbus.

Who?

I'm Princess Vionelli.

I'm here for
the final interview.

It's just a formality.

Who's she?

Take a seat.

I'm here for
a very big interview.

Me, too.

Really? Great. Great.

Nice outfit.

-Size six, right?
-Right.

Me, too. Isn't it a pain?

You have to starve,
work out,

starve some more.

Well, I really don't
believe in dieting.

Thank God for aerosols, huh?

-I don't...
-I don't wanna hear it, okay?

I'm a little nervous, too.

This is my first time out
as a photographer.

Photographer?
Great career choice!

-What's your name?
-Lauren.

Joyce. Nice to know you.

Come here.

Listen. When I become
Princess Vionelli,

I'll put in a
good word for ya.

Well, shouldn't you see
my work first?

Oh, no.
I'm sure it's lovely.

It's disgusting.

-Thank you.
-Thank you?

A photograph should
create an emotional reaction.

With this one
I wanted to create disgust.

What can I say?
You're a master.

Now, this is my favorite.

'Kay.

They're all dead.

They were moving
the cemetery.

Lucky for you.

Tell me. Is there a
lot of call for
this sort of thing?

Not really.
That's why I'm trying
to go commercial.

I really need the money.

I've been trying to see this
guy for the past three weeks.

You've been waiting
three weeks?

You can't put up with
that anymore.

You gotta march yourself
into that office and say,

"I'm the best photographer
you'll ever see.

"Only I'm not going to be
treated this way."

Then walk out.
If you do it right,

he'll follow you down
the block.

I'd be too nervous.
I'd forget what I was doing.

You'll take notes!
Bluff your way through it.

Works for me.

I'm going to be
Princess Vionelli.

I'm not even Italian.

Oh, Mr. V.!
Of course she's Italian.

We, er, even did tests.
Didn't we?

Tests?

How do you test
to see if someone's Italian?

Oh, you know,
the regular sort of tests.

Actually, Angela was pretty
much in charge of that.

No, I think you had
the test kit that day.

So?

The truth? My name isn't
even Columbus.

-Your name isn't Columbus?
-Huh?

Oh, that's great.

Next thing you're gonna
tell me is you're
not even Italian.

Well, you caught me!

You're honest,
you're straightforward.
I like that.

Babs, call security and
have her dragged out
of the building.

Oh, wait! Wait!
My mother dated
an Italian once.

Well... Okay, good enough.

Yo! Focus everybody!

Ah, Joyce,
you know Angela.

Of course.
It's nice to see you again.

Mr. Vionelli,
this is Joyce Columbus.

Well, how do you do?

Oh, I'd shake your hand,
but I've got all this
mozzarella on me.

So, Joyce, where
are you from?

Uh... Little Italy.

In New York?
I know everybody there!

Just mostly me and the rest
of the Columbus family.

Nina, Pinta...

Joyce, are you
feeling all right?

I like this girl!

She has a fine
sense of humor.

I think she'd make
a very good...

All right! I've been
waiting all morning,

I've been waiting three
weeks and I'm not going
to wait any longer.

Five minutes.
Wait five minutes.

Now, I've got something
to say and you're
going to listen.

Now, I've got something
to say and you're...

Wait a minute,
I just did that part.

Who the hell are you?

I'm the best photographer
you'll ever meet,

and I won't be treated
like this.

I'm going to walk out
this door and you'll
never see me again.

So goodbye.

And if you think I'll
come back, you can...

You were saying, sir?

That's the girl!

I know. Go figure!

Mr. Vionelli, I think
it's really...

Well, I guess
I can tell you now.

I, uh, set it all up.

Yeah, I figured
you'd like the blonde better,

but I wanted to show
you the bimbo first,

just so you could compare.

Bimbo?

I'll go get her.

I'm so sorry.

Ah, here she is.

What's your name again?

Lauren Sullivan.

Well, Miss Sullivan.
You've got the job.

I do? That's great!

Thanks! It worked!

You're the new
Princess Vionelli!

But she's supposed
to be the Princess.

I know.
Isn't life a kick?

Mr. Vionelli,
I'm a photographer.

I don't want to be a model.

Right.
It's sexist, demeaning...

People only want you
for your body.

Luckily, that appeals to me.

I'm sorry.

I mean, all my life
I've gotten by on my looks.

But I'm not going
to do that anymore.

The job does pay 30,000.

That much?

Plus a car, an apartment.
A clothing allowance.

I'm sorry.

And this...
This is all yours.

It's very nice.

This is your refuge,
your hideaway
from the world.

And occasionally,
we'd like to capture
that on film.

Like tomorrow, we're sh**ting
the Princess Vionelli
photo layout.

Listen, I'm going to let you

get settled in here.

Remember, it's your place,
so, ah...

Make it your own.

'Course, we had
to nail a few things down.

It's an insurance thing,
you understand.

Cute.

Joyce, it's you.

Were you expecting
someone else you
stole a job from today?

Listen, I didn't plan to
take your job.

I just needed the money.

I hope you understand that.

I understand.

I had a lot of time
to think about it

after you left this morning.

I looked at your side,
and I looked at my side.

And I realized...

I don't care about your side.

That's it?

You came all the way
up here to say that
and leave?

Not exactly.

I want you to see what
you've reduced me to.

I'm a shopping cart person.

This is my home now.

I keep my clothes up here
and I sleep under there.

You know, you can get
in trouble if you
don't take that back.

I took ballet classes,
speech lessons.

I didn't always
talk like this, you know.

And I didn't even want
to be a model.

I mean, I was driving by
the Miss Charlottesville
beauty contest

and they pulled me
out of my car

and they gave me the title.

Things just happen to me.

It's like I don't even
have a say in the matter.

Well, then.
This won't come as any
big surprise to you.

I'm so sorry.
I had no idea.

My life was empty.
And then it got worse.

What? You found
the Hope Diamond?

No!

My husband left me
for another woman.

What did she look like?

You don't understand!

You see, I came here
to start over.

At least this is something
that I can call my own.

I mean, this is my
apartment. My sofa,
my chair, my vase.

And no one can take it
away from me.

Do you use mousse
in your hair?

You never listen to me!

No one ever listens to me!

Well, I'm not gonna
take it anymore!

I'm listening.

If you'd like
to spend the night...

Forget it.
I'm safer on the streets.

Are you sure
you'll be all right?

I'll be fine.
I can take care of myself.

You had to live on a
hill, didn't ya?

You won't believe what
I just saw.

I forgot to bring you your
house-warming present.

Enjoy.

Okay, hold the noodles up.

That's it! You love
those noodles.

You are mad about
those noodles.

You have noodle fantasies.

Take the noodles out
and rub them

-all over your...
-No!

Okay, well,
just smile at them.

You smile at them.

Lauren!

Everybody, take five.

How much is this costing me?

Take two.

Angela, Lauren's
having a problem,

and I think it's one of those
women's things.

Talk to her.

-Yes, Mickey,
I will talk to her.
-Thank you.

What's up?

This isn't right.

Somewhere, there's
a girl out there chasing
a shopping basket.

And she's the one
who deserves this job.

I just wish I knew
where to find her.

I'm gonna take
a shot in the dark.

I'm giving you
one last chance.

Thanks.

Okay, let's sh**t noodles!

-Joyce, where have you been?
-Later.

Mr. Vionelli, I want you
to reconsider me
for the Princess.

-That won't be necessary.
-Now, Miss Columbus,

I'm very sorry.

If I hire you,
I have to fire
Miss Sullivan.

And at Vionelli Foods,
we're a family.

You don't fire family.

I understand.

I've called Melvin Belli.

I'm going to sue you
for $32 million

for breach
of implied contract.

-Dump the blonde.
-You got it.

You got a knapsack?

I would've given you
your job back.

Woulda, coulda,
shoulda, but didn't.

What do you think
I was trying to do?

I was trying to tell you.

But you... And then...

Oh, to heck with you all!

Excuse me.

Did she say, "Heck"?

I'm afraid she did.

What are you doing?

Making a sandwich.

Really?
Are you insured for that?

I'm upset.
When I'm upset, I eat.

Me, too.
Of course, by the time
I feel good again

I no longer look human.

Well, you're lucky.
I can't even gain weight.

I forgot. You're cursed.

Oh, that's your secret.

Never eat the crusts.

May I?

Go ahead, Your Highness.

You take anything
you want anyway.

Oh, no, the peasants
are revolting.

What makes you think
that you can push
people around

and then treat them like
they don't even count?

Seems to work.

Besides, it's better
than running away

from everything every time
it doesn't work out.

You're right.
And I'm not running anymore.

From now on,
I'm gonna stand up to you!

All right, you're standing.
Now what?

Give me a break.

I'm new at this.

Are you gonna eat that?

Here. We'll split it.

Ladies,

we have to make a decision.

What are they doing in there?

I want my Princess!

I knew we shouldn't have
hired a woman for the job.

Listen. I'm losing my light,

I'm losing my patience,
and I'm losing my peasants.

Now, I want one of you
out there with a crown
on in ten seconds

or you can both
pack your bags!

I'll handle this.

Mickey.

Ooh! You've been
working out, haven't you?

Yeah...

Listen. We need
a few more minutes.

I'd really appreciate it.

Please?

What's the rush?
Rome wasn't built in a day.

You're good.

Um... Excuse me.
Mr. Vionelli,

I have an approach
that I think...

Well, I think we can only
call it different.

I want you to open your
mind to a new concept
in packaging.

Please sit down.

Picture this as
a photo layout.

Lauren, Joyce.

The Vionelli Twins.

Twins?

Frankly, sir, I...

I think your food is
too good for just
one princess.

And with two princesses,

everyone will assume
that your food is

twice as good
as anybody else's!

It would be like having
two princess sisters.

Only not be related.

I'm sorry,
but princess sisters?

Two princesses?
It's stupid.

I like it.

Stupid in a good way.

Not the sisters part.
That's stupid.

But two princess models,

one for canned food,
one for frozen foods.

I always felt each
had their own personality.

And you're not alone
there, sir.

Now I'm getting
two for the price of one!

Just remember,
you're gonna have to
share everything.

The apartment and the job
and all the fringe benefits.

Deal?

Deal.

Gonna have to rethink the
entire campaign and, uh...

We're gonna have
to get rid of the peasants.

Ah, it's always the peasants.

-I've got this great idea!
-No!

-Is it cheap?
-We get this

giant bathtub,
we fill it with spumoni.

We lower the two of
them right into it.
They are so...

-'Kay, now we need to come
up with a schedule.
-Schedule?

-Two girls, one bathroom.
-Right.

How long does it take you
to put your makeup on?

I really don't believe
in makeup.

You know,
if you keep this up,

I'm gonna be your only friend.