02x18 - When Worlds Collide

[bunniefuu]

♪ There is more to life
than what you're living

♪ So take a chance
and face the wind

♪ An open road
and a road that's hidden

♪ Brand new life
around the bend

♪ There were times
I lost a dream or two

♪ Found the trail
and at the end was you

♪ There's a path you take
and a path not taken

♪ The choice is up to you,
my friend

♪ Nights are long
but you might awaken

♪ To a brand new life

♪ Brand new life

♪ Brand new life
around the bend ♪

Oh, h*.
h*, h*, h*.

Holy... Hey.

Ah, mail.

Was that the mail?

Uh, expecting
something special?

Well, it is
almost Valentine's Day.

-Oh, really?
Really, huh?
-Yeah.

-Let me see here. Mona...

Uh, Mona. Mona. Mona...

Mona, Mona, Mona.

-Oh! Here's one for you.
-Oh!

-Thank you!

Oh.

I love you, too, Dad.

You sure there's nothing else?

-Oh, wait. Here.
- Oh!

What, what?

Oh, smell.

That is some heavy aftershave!

That's Chad McCann.

Yeah, well, keep it away
from an open flame.

Ooh, Marci's gonna...
Marci's gonna die!

Was that the mail?

Anything for me?

Yeah, yeah.
I think there's one for you.

-Really?
-There you are.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

Oh, how nice.

Southern Connecticut Gas
didn't forget.

Well, look. I think I'm gonna
run these up to Mona
and add to her collection.

-Oh, great.

Hey, Mom! Guess what?

We qualified for the
Spring Tournament at the club!

Isn't that wonderful,
sweetheart?

Now all I need is a partner.

Well, what about Steven,
honey?

Mom, it's
a junior-senior tournament.

I'm gonna play with my dad.
He's the best golfer.

Well, my dad is
the best golfer, too.

Right, Mom?

Yes, sweetheart, he is.

And I'm sure that he would
love to play with you,

but you know your dad's
real busy now that he's
married again,

you know,
and he's living in California.

You understand
what I'm trying to say?

No.

Your dad's a no-show.

Oh.

Sweetheart,
I'll play golf with you.

-You?
-Well, yeah!
We'll make a great team.

Bower power!

You'd better
think fast, Bower.

Well, Mom, you're not my dad.

Everyone's going to be playing
with their fathers.

Jonathan, I'm sorry, honey,
but your father
just cannot come.

Uh, hey. I got an idea.
How about if I play with you?

-Ooh, that's a wonderful idea.
-Hey!

-Isn't it, sweetheart?
-Yeah!

-Just one thing.
I wanna win.
-Mmm-hmm.

Oh.

Hey, hey. Yo.

I used to be
a professional ball player!
What, are you kiddin'?

So, do you play golf?

No. No, no. But, hey!

Hey, a ball's a ball.
And this one ain't
even movin'!

BOTH: Ah!

...twenty-one, twenty-two,
twenty-three, twenty-four.

That makes me
one ahead of Marci
and three behind Robin.

How are you doing, Mona?

Still counting.

I'm going to break
three digits this year.

I remember one Valentine's.

I was in the eighth grade.

No, it was the ninth grade.

I got a gigantic card
from a secret admirer.

It was the eighth grade.
Your father and I
sent that one.

Who cares?

It's a commercial holiday
anyway.

Ta-da!

Jonathan!
What happened to you?

I got some new clothes
at the pro shop.

My dad actually let you
buy those?

Playing through!

Not bad, huh? Not bad.

Well, you certainly
brighten up a room.

Dad, please tell me
you didn't see anyone I know.

Uh, just Chad McCann.

That's it. We have to move.

All right!
My dad and I are
gonna win this tournament.

Yeah. Me and Tony are, too.
Every year.

What makes you think
he's gonna be here next year?

Sure, he will.

Wise up, Bower.

Housekeepers come and go.
Ours just quit.

Oh. Well, how come?

Well, her brother became
president of the country
they're from.

Oh. Well,
Tony would never leave me.

Well, maybe your mom
might fire him.

Hmm. No,
my mom really likes him.

Hey, maybe that's your angle.

-What do you mean?
-Well, if you don't want
Tony to leave,

just get him
to marry your mom.

Hey, good idea.

How do I do that?

It's simple, you twerp.
It's Valentine's Day.

Oh. Well, you sure know
a lot about life.

Well, I am eight-and-a-half.

Oh. I'll get it.

-Happy Valentine's Day.
-Oh...

Thank you.

Well.

Isn't this nice.
I wonder who could've...

What? I don't believe it!

-What is it, Mother?
-They're for you.

Listen to this.

"Dinner tonight. Chez Rene.

"8:00. What do you say?"

Ah. Wonder who could
have sent these?

Uh, whatever that means.

Well, I, uh...

I usually don't take
offers like this.

You usually don't get
offers like this.

Oh, well.

It's Valentine's Day.

Oh, why not?

Oh, you footloose vixen, you.

Oh, Mother.

All right, baby.
That's it, that's it.

Hey, Tony! Look what I found
at the front door.

-For me? Whoo-hoo!
-Oh, Dad.

A valentine. Who's it from?

I don't know,
but whoever she is, she's got
great taste.

What, what, what, what?

Listen to this.

"You're a real hunk.

"The apple of my eye.

"Come to Chez Rene at 8:00
and you gotta wear a tie."

You liked the poem, huh?

-Yeah.
-So, you gonna go, Tony?

Well, I don't know, Jonathan.
You know,

a blind date could be
Alpo time.

Uh-uh. I mean, maybe you know
who the lady is.

-Huh.
-Hey, maybe there's a clue
in the poem.

-Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah!

"Apple of my eye,"
apple of my eye!

Maybe it's that redhead I met
at the fruit stand. Mmm.

She was red and delicious,
I'll tell ya.

Maybe it's someone
even better.

You know something, Jon...
I think you're right, huh?
I mean,

hey, what do I got to lose?
It's Valentine's Day, right?

-Hey!
-Yeah, I'll say.

If some mysterious stranger
invited me to a fancy,
romantic restaurant...

Ooh, I'd go.

That's what you think.

-No, not the ear, Dad.
Not the ear, not the ear.
-Come on, come on, come on.

Get goin', get goin'.

Yay!

Excuse me.

I'm Angela Bower and I'm here
to meet a Frenchman.

You have
come to the right place.

I have your table ready.

-This way, madame.
-Oh, thank you.

This isn't like me at all.

I usually don't do this sort
of thing, but my mother,

who talked me into this,
she does do this sort of thing
all the time.

Is she perhaps
a redheaded lady?

Yeah.

That's the one.

Oh, thank you.

Hey. Um...

I'm Tony Micelli, and, uh,

I'm here to make
a lucky lady's Valentine wish
come true.

-Which one is she?
-She has just arrived.

Oh, yeah, yeah?
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
How's she look?

Magnifique.

Especially if monsieur
is a legman?

Ooh. I am, I am. Ooh.

Lead the way, Rene.
Hey.

Here is the lucky lady.

You?

You?

Love is in the air.

Oh. Angela, Angela.

Tony, Tony.

I don't know what to say.

Oh. Well, uh...

I think your poem said it all.

-My poem?
-Yeah, you know, uh...

"You're a real hunk.
The apple of my eye.

"Come to Chez Rene at 8:00,
and you gotta wear a tie."

Do you like it?

You didn't invite me?

You didn't invite me?

Then what are we doing here?

Yeah, wait a minute.
Hey, uh, yo, monsieur.
Come here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.

-Our host?
-We have a host?

Ah, yes. And he asked
to remain anonymous.

Yeah, who is he?

Chez Rene will not say.

-Can you give us a hint?
-Your host is Monsieur Bower.

Monsieur Bower?

Michael? My ex-husband
is paying for this? Why?

Maybe he's just trying
to be nice.

BOTH: Nah.

Hey, wait a minute.

He set up this get-together.

You don't think
he wants us to, uh,

get together.
I mean, not that we would.

Oh, of course not.

Why would he want
us to get together?

Well, I mean...

If we got together,
like married,

then he wouldn't have to pay
any more child support.

Child support?
That's not gonna stop
even if we do get married.

Oh, wait a minute.
It would stop
if I adopted Jonathan.

Tony, you would do that?

That is so sweet.

Thank you, Angela,
but we're not gettin' married.

Oh, right.

And you know what else?
If Michael's payin',
I ain't eatin'. No way.

-Come on. Let's get...
-You know,
you're absolutely right.

Let's get outta here.

Wait a minute.

Michael wants to ply us
with gourmet food,
at his expense.

Let's get plied.

-Oh, madame. Oh.
-Monsieur.

-I think it's asseyez-vous,
eh?
-Very good!

Hey, uh... Hey, Rene!

-Bring some champagne.
-Dom Perignon.

Yeah, hey. I don't wanna see
that bucket empty all night.

Who knows, maybe later
we'll take a bath in it.

-Separately, of course.
- Of course.

Well, Angela's out
late tonight.

Mona, it's only 10:00.

-For Angela, that's late.

Angela is at Chez Rene.

Have Mom and Tony
come home yet?

No.

Well, let me know
when they get home.

Wait a minute.
Wait just one minute, here.

What do you mean by
"Mom and Tony"?

What do you know about this?

Oh, did I say "Mom and Tony"?

Oh, I meant Mom or Tony.

Or Mom.

Or Tony.

Or anyone at Chez Rene.

Jonathan.

Did you set them up
for Valentine's Day?

Uh...

How could you do that?

Well, it was easy.

I gave them Mom's credit card.

They won't take a credit card
from an eight-year-old kid.

They will if you wrap it
in a twenty.

Mmm.

-Mmm.
-Oh, man.

Oh, wasn't
that veal delicious?

Oh, hey.

Don't forget
the shrimp c*ck,
the caviar quiche,

the, uh...
The lobster souffle,

-the chateaubriand
with truffles...

-Oh!
-The chocolate mousse,

-the cherries jubilee...
-Oh, that was good.

-The raspberry tart...
-Ay, ay, ay.

Oh, wait till Michael
sees this bill.

Couldn't happen
to a nicer guy.

Oh, Tony.

I had a wonderful time,

even if I didn't fall in love.

You didn't?

Well, I could spend
the rest of my life
with that chocolate mousse.

-Can't stay here all night.
-Yeah, let's blow
this pop stand.

Oh, hey, uh...
Allow me, Rene. Allow me.

There you go.
Get that outta the way.
There you are.

-Your place or mine?

I see everything
has worked out after all.

Oh, Rene, thank you.

-Oh, Tony, wait. Uh...
-What?

If we go home together,
then they'll think
we were out together.

We were out together.

Well, I know,
but I don't want the children
to get the wrong idea.

And Mother has always had it.

All right, look.
I'll tell you what.

-Let's keep this
our little secret, okay?
-Okay.

Come on, let's go.

I hope everything
was to your liking.

-Oh, yeah, it was terrific.
-Oh.

Hey. I didn't know you could
keep brandy 100 years.

Yes,
it was wonderful, Rene,
thank you.

And please make sure to take


-Merci, madame.
-Oh, oh, oh.

-Take 20% for yourself, too.
-Ooh.

-Big spender.
-Hey, hey.

Easy come, easy go.

-Au revoir, Rene.
-Bonsoir.

Hey, take it slow, Rene.

JONATHAN:
They're here! They're here!

Hello, children.

-Hello, Mother.
-Hello, Daughter.

Hey, Mom, where's your date?

Oh, uh... Jean-Jacques?

Uh, he had to leave.

Back to France.
Au revoir, J.J.

No, no. Where's Tony?

Tony? Uh, I don't know.

How would I know?

-Hello, everybody.
-Oh, there he is.

-Hello, Tony.
-Ah, hello, Angela.

My, my, what a lovely dress.
I don't think I've
seen it before.

You haven't.
And I love that tie.

-Oh, you like this tie?
Oh, that's so sweet.
-Dad.

-How was the date?
-Oh, you know,
I've had better.

-I'm sure you have.

But you were supposed
to be together.

What?

Now, wait a minute, pal.
What do you mean, we were
supposed to be together?

Because that's
how I planned it.

You what?

I set it up.

You're Mr. Bower?

You ought to know.
You're his mother.

Jonathan, where did you
get the money to pay

for a dinner like this?

It was over $300!

Hold it, hold it.

I want a good seat
for this one.

I used your credit card.

I knew I should've asked
for a doggy bag.

Now, Jonathan,
I don't know what kind
of a stunt you've pulled,

but you better have
a very good explanation.

Now you tell me
why you did this.

I wanted you and Tony
to get married.

Kids say
the darnedest things.

Oh, sweetheart.

Tony and I aren't
getting married.

Well, you could.

You're not married.

He's not married.

You like him.

-He likes you.

Even after he's seen you
in your bathrobe.

Oh, sweetheart.

That's not enough of a reason
to get married.

Then why do people
get married?

Ah. Well, Jonathan, you know,

first you gotta
love each other, you know.

Well, you two love each other,
don't you?

Um. Well, sweetheart, uh...

There are all kinds of love.

-Yeah. Oh.
-There's the way you love
your family.

And the way you love
your snake.

And the way you love
your housekeeper.

-Good night, Mother.

Well, I'd love to stay
and see you weasel
out of this one,

but, uh...

My Valentine's Day
is just beginning.

Sweetheart, come here.

Tony and I love each other.

But like friends,
not like married people.

But what's the difference?

S-E-X.

Sex?

Oh, is that all?

Then why don't you
just have that
and get it over with?

-Yeah, why don't you?
-Hey!

Good night, Sam.

-Good night, Dad.
-Good night.

-Good night, Mom.
-Get...

Sweetheart,
what is all this about?

I don't want Tony to go away.

Wait a minute. Whoa.

What makes you think
I'm goin' anywhere?

Because that's what happens
to housekeepers.

You could move away
and get another job,

or your brother might become
president of Brooklyn.

You lost me on the
Brooklyn part. But hey,
I ain't gettin' another job.

Well, what if you change
your mind and go away
like Daddy did?

that best buddies never do
is let each other down.

No, they don't.

Now, look. Look, listen to me.

I don't gotta be
married to your mom

to be here for you
anytime and every time

you need me, okay?

-Okay, Tony.
-That's my boy.

But maybe someday
you and Mom

will change your mind
and have sex anyway?

TONY: Who's the Boss?
will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

You, too?

-I can't believe I ate
the whole thing.

-Tony, we ate more
than the whole thing.
-Mmm.

I think it was
that caviar quiche.

Mmm-mmm.
It was the chocolate mousse.

-And the cherries jubilee
and the whipped cream and...
-Angela, please.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Well...

Uh...

Anyway, it was worth it.

Yeah, it was.

Well, boss,

happy Valentine's Day.

-Thank you, Tony.

And by the way,

you do look kinda cute
in that bathrobe.

Ew.