02x12 - Tony the Nanny

[bunniefuu]

♪ There is more to life
than what you're living

♪ So take a chance
and face the wind

♪ An open road
and a road that's hidden

♪ Brand new life
around the bend

♪ There were times
I lost a dream or two

♪ Found the trail
and at the end was you

♪ There's a path you take
and a path not taken

♪ The choice is up to you
my friend

♪ Nights are long
but you might awaken

♪ To a brand new life

♪ Brand new life

♪ Brand new life
around the bend ♪

Si, si, bene.

Bene. Si, bene.

Si, bene.

Si, bene.

Come sta? Scusi?

Can you speak Italian, Sam?

Well, I know a few words

but I'm not allowed
to say any of them.

Si, si, bene.

Who's Benny?

Ana?

Oh, yeah, yeah, oh, Capisc'.
Capisc'.

Quando... Come si chiama?

Arriva?

He's sending
my cousin to America.

Really?

Either that
or I just bought a Ferrari.

-Dad, which cousin?
-What? Ana.

Oh, she's coining here
for a wedding.

Either that or she died
and they're sending her body
to be buried in Brooklyn.

Well, you're
just a font of information.

A font? What's a font?

Well, hey, my vocabulary's
a little weak,

but my pronunciation...
Forget about it.

-When is she coming?
-That I do know.

Sometime between
now and the
Festival of the Saints.

When's that?

Hey, what do I look like here?
A font of information?

Font, you like that?

Whoa! Good sandwich.

See ya later, Dad.

Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
h*, h*, h*, hey.

Where do you think
you're going, young lady?

I was just going
to go over to...

Oh, you were
probably talking to Samantha.

-Well?
-Everyone's meeting
at the mall.

Everyone? I'm not meeting
at the mall.

Angela, are you
meeting at the mall?

Well, actually,
I'm meeting Wendy there.

Sam, do you want a ride?

-See, Dad?
-What about lunch?

Oh, I'll pick up
something there.

Oh, that was
probably another one
for Samantha.

Samantha, I know
all the major food groups,

and chocolate chip cookies
isn't one of them.

Now, there's
a chicken sandwich waiting
for you in the kitchen.

Dad, I was not going
to have cookies.

I'll have a corn dog.

Or a chicken sandwich.

-Hey, hey, hey, hey.
-Well, we are off
to the mall to see a movie.

Yeah, what are
you going to see?

Can we see that
new science fiction movie?

Lust in Space?

No, I think there's
too much sex in that.

I wonder how that works
when you're weightless.

Mother.

Well, what do you want?
It's either sex or violence.

Oh, Mother, why don't
you just go see Bambi?

Okay, that's a nice G-rated,
wholesome, family film.

What do you think?

Yeah.
I love when the hunter
wastes Bambi's mother.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, we're off.

Goodbye.

Ready, Angela?

Samantha, you're supposed
to eat the sandwich,

not store it up
for the winter.

Excuse me.
I'm looking for Tony Micelli.

Come on in.
That's my dad over there.

And I thought I was going
to understand you Americans.

Ana? Cousin Ana?

-You are Tony?
-Yeah!

Oh, put this down.
Come in. Come in.

Look at you.
Oh, my goodness.

I've got a snapshot of her,
she's this big.

Unbelievable.

Buongiorno. Come stai?

-I speak English.
-Oh, that's right.
I just heard you.

And you speak it beautifully.

Thank you.
I studied very hard
to come to America.

Well, welcome
to our fair shores.

Ana, I want you to meet
Angela Bower, my boss.

Miss Liberty.

Hello. How do you do?

And this is my daughter,
Samantha.

-Hi.
-Hi.

I guess you're here
for a wedding,

because you sure
don't look dead.

Thank you.

-So, who's getting married?
-Me.

Oh, isn't that wonderful?

Didn't my father
explain on the phone?

Oh, well, he probably did,
but my Italian's
a little rusty.

"A little rusty"?

It stinks.

My father has sent
a letter which will
explain everything.

Oh, I got a letter here.

It's in Italian.

Well, you could help me
translate a couple
of these words, right?

How about these right here.
What's this?

"Dear Tony."

Okay, well, look,
why don't you sit down here

and translate this for me,
okay?

My pronunciation.

"I am sending you
my youngest daughter..."
That's me.

"...to watch over
and take care of

"until her marriage takes
place in two weeks.

"I have entrusted you
with a treasure."

-I guess that's me again.

"Keep it safely.

"Your uncle, Aldo."

That's Papa.

"P.S.: Thank you for inviting
her to stay in your home."

Oh, did I say that?

It's amazing.

I must know
a little bit more Italian
than I thought.

Is it okay, Angela?

Well...

Mi casa es su casa.

So, are you excited
about your wedding?

Yes, I am. I cannot wait
to meet my fiance.

Meet him?

You've never met him?

No, but Carlo's family
comes from our village.

After we are married,
Carlo will import
the olive oil my father makes.

It will mean a lot of money
for my family.

Well...

Isn't that romantic.

Angela...

No, it's lovely, really.

She'll never be
out of salad dressing.

Come on, Ana.
You can share my room.
This'll be so awesome.

Awesome?

Yeah, it'll be radical.

You know, gnarly.

We'll go to the mall,
and scarf down junk food.

And you'll teach me
to speak teenage?

For sure.

Come on, go ahead.
I got your bag. Don't worry.

Yes, you just make
yourself comfortable.

It's so good to have you here.

Tony...

An arranged marriage is right
out of the Middle Ages.
It's cruel.

It's barbaric. It's...

It's the way
my parents got married.

Oh.

Now, look,
I know you don't do things
like this in Connecticut,

but in the old country,
it's a way of life.

It's custom.
It's tradition.

If you start singing from
Fiddler on the Roof,
I'm leaving.

Angela, now seriously,

hey, my uncle has
given me a sacred trust

and it's my duty to see
that it gets carried out.

He wants everything
done here just like
it's done in Italy.

-It's so unenlightened...
-Hey.

But I guess you're just doing
this for your uncle
out of love and respect.

It's called a food processor.

Not the machine. Tony.

Oh, well, I am
a pretty amazing machine
myself.

The men in my village
don't work in the kitchen.

Well, uh,

there are a lot of things
that are done
differently here.

-Weddings for instance are...
-Not nearly as much fun.

Nobody passes out
in their ravioli.

Really?

This is it.
That's Carlo.

How do I look?

Now, Angela,
would you please
leave this to me?

Well, what could I say?
I'm just a woman.

Thank you.

You look beautiful.

Hello.
You must be Carlo Garabaldi.

I've been looking forward
to meeting you.

-Are you Ana?
-No, no, no.

No, no, she's Angela Bower
and I'm Tony Micelli

and this...

This is Ana.

Oh, good.

So, come on in.
Come on in.
Let me have your coat.

Come in, sit, we'll talk.

I am very happy
to make your acquaintance.

I am very happy to make yours.

Ooh, and you said
it wouldn't work out.

Okay, look, we'll have
a little antipasto, huh.

Excuse me, excuse me,
a little further, that's good.

Okay. Sit, sit.

Would you pour
the wine, Ana?

So, Carlo,

Ana tells me you're
in the import-export business.

Yes, it's a family business.

Grazie, grazie.

I also own
a small apartment building
and a house in New Jersey.

Three bedrooms.

Great place
to start a family, huh?

Tony, Ana may not want
to start a family right away.

Why?

Is there something
wrong with her?

No, no, there's
nothing wrong with her.
Is there, Ana?

Oh, I am very healthy.

I can have lots of babies.

So can rabbits.

She doesn't understand how
these things take place.

Well, there's
one thing I understand.

These two people
probably want to be alone.

-Absolutely not.
-No, no, no.

You can't
leave these people alone.

Why not?

They're engaged.

Sam, you think you'll
ever get married?

Yeah, probably.

I want a husband
just like my dad.

What about you?

Yeah. I want a wife
just like your dad too.

Hey, we're home.

Well, hey, hey, hey.

And how was the date?

It was grand.
It really was grand.

I mean, Carlo took us
to a really fine restaurant.

Then we went out
for some cappuccinos

and then we did
a little dancing.

How nice.

Did he kiss you
good night, too?

Not on the first date, Angela!

He's saving himself, dear.

Come on, Ana, you tell us.

Did you like Carlo?

He is very nice.

But I'm afraid he doesn't
like me very much.

What? Why?
Why do you say that?

He didn't talk
to me all night.

Get out... Hey, hey.

Come on.
I saw him lean over
and whisper in your ear.

Yeah, he said,

"If you're not going
to finish your meatballs,
I will."

Oh, yeah, well, you should've
seen the look in his eyes
when he said that.

Tony, I'm just a simple girl
from a small village.

When I look at American women
like Mona and Angela
and Samantha,

I feel very plain.

Did you hear that, Dad?
She called me a woman.

Well, she's Italian,
she exaggerates.

Ana, you're very lovely
just the way you are.

But if you wanted to be
a little bit more American,
that would be very easy to do.

-Really?
-No, no, no, not really.

Sure.

All you need
to be more American
is a little make-up,

some different clothes
and a charge card
at Bloomingdale's.

Ladies, ladies,
I'm not so sure
this is such a good idea.

Come on, Tony.

If she's going to live
in America

what's wrong with having
her look a little bit
more like an American?

Tony, Tony,
I want so much
for Carlo to like me.

My father is counting
on this marriage.

My seven sisters are
counting on this marriage.

The whole village
is counting on this marriage.

Tony, please.

ALL: Please. Please.
Please. Please.
Please. Please.

Oh, all right, all right.

Boy, I'll tell you, this being
a nanny is no bed of roses.

Thank you.

Well, maybe it ain't so bad.

Carlo, hey,
how are you, my friend?

Nice to see you.
Ana's almost ready.
I hope.

-Well, you know women.

Who told you that?

No, I didn't mean it that way.

Here. Sit down.
Have a glass of wine.

Let me tell you something,
Carlo.

You are one lucky guy.

I mean, this Ana.

I mean, she's the perfect girl
to bring home to Mama.

I know.

They broke the mold
when they made her.

Yeah, Ana's terrific.

Not Ana. Mom.

But Ana's
the next best thing.

A nice old-fashioned,
Italian girl.

Hey, here's
to old-fashioned girls.

Salute!

Carlo...

Ciao, baby.

Don't I look totally awesome?

Isn't she a beauty?

She's very American.

What did you do with Ana?

No, no, no. This is...

This is Ana.

This is Ana.

She looks great, doesn't she?

No.

This is not the Ana
I agreed to marry.

Ah, now, wait a minute, Carlo.
Wait a minute.

If I wanted an American,
I would've married
Linda Evans.

As far as I'm concerned,
this wedding's off.

Aw, now wait a minute.

Uh...

Jonathan, let's go upstairs.

But I want to hear.

Don't worry, we will.

You.

-Me?
-You.

You couldn't wait to get
your hands on Ana.

Oh, it's just that Ana...

Samantha...

Mother...

-Well...
-No, no, no, it wasn't them.

It was you.

You were the ringleader.

But when my uncle gets here
and there's no wedding,

who do you think
he's going to blame?

Me?

No, me.

Thanks to you.

Don't you think
he'll understand?

-Understand?
-Yeah.

My uncle? Understand?

Do you think he'll be peeved?

"Peeved"?

My uncle don't get peeved,
my uncle gets mad.

My uncle explodes.

My uncle's Mount Vesuvius.

It's the last days of Pompeii.

Forget about it.
We're swimming in lava.

And, and...
Now look what you did.

-Oh, there, Ana,
Ana, don't worry.

Everything's going to be okay.

My father will
never understand.

I'll go back
to Italy disgraced.

All the villagers
will hate me.

All the olive oil will
rot on the shelves.

Well, it beats
swimming in lava.

Tony, I'm sorry.
You're right.

I never should
have gotten involved.

It was none of my business.

-What's our next move?

Carlo, I knew you
would understand.

I mean, let me tell you.
Ana did all those things
just to make you happy.

Ana wants what you want.

I want a good old-fashioned
Italian woman.

-They know how
to take care of a man.

The women here,
they want it all.

Education...

Career, fulfillment.

Oh, right, right.

They ain't got time
for what really matters.

Us?

Right.

I want a wife
like in the old country.

Who knows her place.

-In the kitchen?
-Right.

-Barefoot?
-Yeah.

-Pregnant?
-Now you got it, paisan.

Well, I guess that about
covers it.

Why don't you take a walk,
huh, Carlo?

I beg your pardon?

Hit the road, paisan.

The wedding's off.
You ain't fit for Ana
or anybody else,

and let me tell you something,
you can forget
about Linda Evans.

You can't call
the wedding off.

I got a contract
with her father.

Oh, yeah.
Well, let me tell you
something about contracts.

They were made
to be broken
and so is your face.

Well, like you said,
I'm out of here.

Carlo?

Ciao, baby.

"Ciao, baby."

He didn't want me, did he?

Oh, no, no.
He wanted you, he wanted you.

But... But you don't want him.

I don't understand.

He doesn't want a wife.
He wants a sl*ve.

His thinking,
it's out of the...
I don't know. The, uh...

Middle Ages?

All right, all right.

Including a family
and a man that you love.

-Yeah.
-I guess Carlo
is sort of a nerd.

-Yeah, yeah.
-Isn't this wonderful?

You followed your
conscience and everything
turned out fine.

-Yeah.
-Except one thing...

Yeah.

I forgot. Uncle Aldo.

You.

Uncle Aldo,
the guy was a chump.

He came here.
He doesn't care
about your daughter, he...

Ti prego di parlare
in italiano.

He wants you to speak Italian.

All right, all right,
all right, let me see,
let me see.

Carlo non buon,

uh, come si chiama...

Marito... Disgraziato.

Basta. Basta. Basta.

He says, he's an old man.
He doesn't have time
for you to speak Italian.

Okay, well, then you just tell
him that he picked out
a crummy husband for you.

You sure that's
what you want to say?

Oh, yeah, good thinking.

Ah!

Tell him that the husband
he picked tricked us all

and I was only doing

what I know my wise uncle
would have done
to protect his daughter.

Is that better?

We'll see.

He didn't go for it, huh?

ANA: Papa! Papa! Papa!

-Basta.
-Ana!

Career, education,
fulfillment!

Fulfillment!

Fulfillment.
Yeah, that's right.

What'd he say?

He says I've never
stood up to him before.

Oh.

He probably thinks
it's all my fault.

He says it's all your fault.

Please.

American?

You like?

Si, Papa.
Molto. Molto. Very much.

This sounds good.

-You understand him?
-Uh-uh, but he ain't yelling.

He says, it's one thing
for me to be American,
but what about his business?

No problem.

Ana could run your business.

Ana... Ha, ha, ha!

He says, "Ana... Ha, ha, ha!"

Angela runs a business.

Angela... Ha, ha, ha!

-He said, "Angela..."
-That's okay,
I get the gist.

She's very good at languages.

Angela is the president
of a big advertising agency.

Plop, plop, plop.

Fizz, fizz, fizz.

Don't you squeeze my Charmin.

Hey, where's the beef?

So, that's the big business
that paid for this
whole house.

Si, Papa.

-Okay?
-Okay.

Grazie, Papa!

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

What did he say?
What did he say?

He said, if the skinny one
can do it, so can I.

Graziano.

TONY: Who's the Boss?
will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

He's very impressed
with your beautiful house.

Grazie.

That's very nice
of you to say,

but since we're talking
about the house,

I've got to take
some of the credit because
I am the housekeeper.

Housekeeper?

He's very proud of me.