02x07 - Custody: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

♪ There's more to life
than what you're livin'

♪ You take a chance
and face the wind

♪ An open road and
a road that's hidden

♪ A brand new life
around the bend

♪ There were times when
I lost a dream or two

♪ Found the trail,
and at the end was you

♪ There's a path you take
and a path not taken

♪ The choice is up
to you my friend

♪ Nights are long but
you're on your way

♪ To a brand new life

♪ Brand new life

♪ Brand new life
around the bend ♪

Woah, h*-h*.

-Harry, that's him.
-No, it's not.

I'm telling you,
that's him.

You're famous, right?

No.

Yeah, you're that good-looking
Italian guy, right?

Well.

Rambo, right?

No. No.

What have I seen you in?

How about rubber gloves
and an apron.

I'm a housekeeper.

Why don't we all go?

So long winter coats
and mufflers...

Hello tank tops and bikinis.

-Hey.
-Oh, uh, listen,

tomorrow we were thinking
of taking a ride to the beach

and showing you all
our ocean.

-KIDS: Yeah!
-Oh, it's

not really ours, but they
let us use it.

Hey, Jonathan,
look who's here.

Oh, oh! Hi, sweetheart!

Hi Mom!

He probably didn't
want to get you wet.

Angela, you know, uh...

since Heather and I
are getting married and

settling down and

you know how much fun
it's been to have
Jonathan with us

and well, you can see
how much he likes California.

What are you saying?

He wants custody of Jonathan.

Can you believe
the nerve of this guy?

He wants Jonathan to come
live here six months
out of every year.

No way. No way
is he getting custody. No way.

You mean, you're really
just a housekeeper?

-Yeah.
-Come on Harry.
He's nobody.

I told you he wasn't anyone.

Good luck, Harry. Huh.

Can I get you anything else?

Yes.

Bring me the head
of Michael Bower.

I'll check with the chef.

Hey, so?

What happened?
Did you call your lawyer?

Oh, yes.
She called him.

But you think he was there?

-He was in court.
-Ha.

And he calls himself a lawyer.

You know, what
is it with Michael?

All of the sudden he wants
to be a dad so much.

Where was he for
the tough times, huh?

When Jonathan was sick
or woke up scared at night?

Yeah, and what about the time
he fell off the jungle gym

and you had to race
him to the hospital.

Wait a minute.
That wasn't you.

Oh, that was
Kramer vs. Kramer.

If Michael wants to live out
some fantasy of his

with a 24-year-old
nymphette who's named
after a shrub,

that's fine with me.

But he can't have my son.

Excuse me, I've got another
dumb meeting.

Michael's in for some fight.

Yeah, I just hope Angela wins.

What?

She's got
a good lawyer, right?

Yes Tony, but in
a case like this,

lawyers are at a disadvantage.

What do you mean?

Well, they can't fight dirty.

But grandmothers can.

Mona, whatever you're
thinking of doing...

I want in.

Ooh, Mona, I mean he's ugly.

Mmm-hmm.

When Heather gets
a look at this,

she'll think twice about
taking Jonathan.

-Dad.
-Ooh.

-Yes, honey.
-I've got a problem.

Oh, well,
what's the matter, honey?
You know

you can always
talk to me, right?

-sh**t.
-Okay,

well, is it worth it
to get a tan on my back?

-What?
-Well, I mean

I can get
a little tan on both sides

or I could get a super tan
on the front, where it shows.

Never mind.

I just answered
my own question.

Glad I could help.

- Oh,
who is it?
-Who is it?

It's me, Heather.

Hey!

I've got to go.
There's a lounge chair out
there with my name on it.

Okay, Sam.

-Hi, Heather.
-Hi.

Come on in.

I've got it.

Jonathan's tuxedo,
isn't it adorable?

Look, a tiny little bow tie,

a tiny cummerbund and look,

two tiny little cufflinks!

Aw.

Heather, I have
a tiny little idea.

How about you leave
my grandson in Connecticut

and I'll buy you a Ken doll
to play with?

Mona!

Oh, bad vibes, huh?

It's that
custody thing, right?

Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

In fact, Mona and I were just
speaking about how brave
you are

that you're gonna take
Jonathan six months
out of every year. Ah...

-Brave?
-Ah, yeah, but,
don't worry about it.

I mean, Jonathan's
a terrific kid.

Yeah, he's not like some kids,
you know,

how they're always
bringing home stray puppies

and begging you to keep them.

Oh, I hate that in a kid.

But you don't have to worry
about that with Jonathan.

He don't bring home
no puppies, does he?

No.

He brings home
disgusting things.

Slimy things.

-Hairy things.

Hairy things?

Oh and you know what's great?

You don't have to even worry
about feeding them, because

he feeds them to each other.

I mean, just since he's been
here, he's adopted this.

Oh, look at it.

It's so cute!

Oh, hi there, little fella.

Ohh, hi!

Isn't he cute?

Oh...

-Hey, sweetheart.
-Oh, hi, Mom.

Hey, where are you going?

I have to buy
a best man magazine.

Oh, well,
could use some money?

Sure. Three bucks.

Okay, one, two, three.

They also have candy.

Don't push your luck.

-Bye, Mom.
-Bye, darling.

Hey, look who's here.

Michael, this hotel is not big
enough for the two of us.

May I have an ice tea?

Oh, come on, Angela,
can't we be nice about this?

-Fine. You wanna be nice?
-Yeah.

I'll be nice.

I'll come to your wedding.

I'll even buy you a present.

That'd be great.
We're registered
at Neiman Marcus.

I'm only doing this
for Jonathan's sake,

and I don't want him to know
anything about this

until the lawyers
have settled it.

Oh, Angela, did you have to go
and get your lawyer involved?

Yes.

Well, my lawyer says I'll win.

Did your lawyer also tell you
what you'd be doing
to Jonathan.

Taking him away
from school

and friends and everything
he's used to.

Yeah, but I'll also be giving
him something, me.

Oh, wouldn't you just love
to find that in
a cr*cker Jack box.

Look, Angela.

Look at the facts.
A married couple,

versus a single working mother

who leaves her son with
a housekeeper all day.

Tony is more than
just a housekeeper.

Oh?

He knows more about raising
children than you do.

I know plenty about children.

What do you know
about children?

I used to be one.

You still are one.

Sticks and stones, Angela.

Oh, Michael, grow up.

Well, so, the best man
has to carry the ring

and you also have to make
the toast at the wedding.

But they're not having toast.

They're having little quiches.

No, no, no, Jonathan,
that's a different kind
of toast.

This is when you stand up

-and say something nice
about your dad.
-Ohh, I see.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

If you can't think
of anything,
everyone will understand.

But what about
the bachelor party?

We need entertainment.

Hey, how about mud wrestling?

Sweetheart, I don't think
your father expects you

to throw him a bachelor party.

But I have to.
I'm the best man.

I know daddy will want it.

Well, daddy can't always
have everything he wants.

But I want to wrestle in mud!

Angela, Angela,
wait a minute.

What if, uh...
What if I help him
with it, huh?

And we'll do it right here.

And we'll make it so wholesome
even you could come.

No, you can't.
No girls allowed.

Hey, get out of here.
We'll keep it clean, Angela.

-All right.

All right, Buddy.

What do you got in mind?

Well, first we need
a stag film.

NARRATOR: And as the herd
moves south for the winter,

we say goodbye to
the Majestic North Elk.

Well, that was some great
stag film, right guys?

Hey, hey, it was either this
or Debbie Does Dallas.

All right, men, time for
the root beer chug-a-lug.

-Hey, Michael.
Congratulations.
-Thanks, Tony.

You're one lucky guy, huh?

What a life you've got.

You and Heather traveling
around the world.

Just you and her.

In the jungle.

In a tent.

In a sleeping bag.

Well, but I guess it's worth
giving all that up, huh?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean,
once Jonathan's
in school, you know,

Heather's gonna
have to stay with him.

-But, that's no good.
-Yeah, well,

I had a feeling
you'd see it that way.

We'll have to hire a tutor.

-A what?
-A tutor.

Yeah, that'll be great.
Listen,

Jonathan will learn more
on these trips

than he ever would
in any classroom.

-Thanks, Tony.
-Okay.

Excuse me, it's time for one
of the bachelors to go to bed.

Hey, the party's
picking up, guys!

Angela, let him stay up
five more minutes

just for the toast,
all right, come on, buddy.
You're on now.

Okay.

Here's to my dad.

I'm glad he's marrying
Heather because
I like being with them,

and she has a convertible.

My dad wanted me
to be the best man,

but I think he's the best.

And I love him.

I love you, too.

And now for dessert.

Uh, uh, wait a minute, buddy.

We didn't order dessert.

You didn't, but I did.

Bring it in, guys.

ALL:
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's
a jolly good fellow ♪

Whee!

-Does that hurt?
-Nah.

Not usually.

Do you think I have to shave
for the wedding?

Well, let's see.

Nah, maybe not this one.

Maybe yours.

-When I grow up?
-Yeah, that's right.
When you grow up.

Well, I wish I were
grown up now.

Then I wouldn't be so scared.

Wait a minute, will you.

Your telling me your nervous
about this wedding?

Hey, well, don't worry
about it, Buddy, because
everybody gets scared.

Not you, Tony, you're cool.

Well, maybe now I'm cool,
but when I was your age...

Hey, let me tell you a story.
Come here.

Up you go, hey you, okay.

When I was your age,

I was the second
Wise Man in the Christmas
school play, okay?

You know, the one
with frankincense?

And you were scared?

Well, I wasn't scared.
I was petrified.

But you did great, right?

Well, I dropped
the frankincense

and I threw up on Baby Jesus.

Boy, was Jonny Drago mad.

He was Baby Jesus.

So, anyway, the moral
of the story is that
everybody gets scared.

But I figure if you keep
your lunch down,

you're two steps ahead of me.

Thanks, Tony. I needed that.

All right, my buddy.

Angela, I need your finger.

Oh.

-Okay.
-Here we go.

What'd you get them, Mother?

A wok.

Oh no, that's what I got them.

Ooh, well that's perfect.

Why? They don't need two woks.

No, but I need a wok.

So you put my name
on your gift and I'll
take this one home.

We're all set.

Why, I sure hope Heather
and Michael need a wok.

Sweetheart we're ready to go.
Let's go baby.

Let's hit it,
let's move it.

SAMANTHA: I'm not going.

What's with her?
What happened?

I'm not going out
in public like this.

I look like a zebra.

-Look at that.
-That's nice.

Go get 'em, baby.

-Hey Sam, it's still kind
of warm out...
-No!

Sweetheart, you look
so handsome.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Just like daddy.

Well, you are his son.

-Mom, are you all right?
-Yeah.

I always cry at weddings.

Come on.
Let's go find your daddy.
He's waiting for you.

Oh.

Well, this is it.
You all ready?

Well, I'm kind of scared.

Oh, no, you're not.

You're a Bower.

I'm a scared Bower.

My stomach hurts.

Well, what do you
want me to do?

Mommy gives me ginger ale.

Jonathan, I don't have
any ginger ale now.

Come on, come on,
this is my big moment, now.

I'm counting on you.

Look at him.
He's scared to death.

Nah, he'll be fine.

I hope.

Oh, she looks so beautiful.

Ooh, sorry, Angela.
Oh, she's a dog.

No she isn't sweetheart.

She is beautiful.

Ah, give her 20 years.

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today

to join together this man
and this woman.

Dad, I don't feel good.

Shh.

The state of matrimony
is not one to be entered
into lightly.

Dad, I mean it.

Jonathan, please.

If any man can show just cause

why these two should not
be lawfully joined,

let him speak now
or forever hold his peace.

He's tossing his cookies!

Yeah, all over Heather.

Honey!

Jonathan!

Daddy!

Gross.

There.

Now doesn't
that ginger ale make
everything feel better?

No, I ruined everything.

No you didn't, sweetheart.

Everything's gonna be fine,
I promise.

Mom, I threw up
on the bride.

Well, honey,

in some countries

that's a tradition.

Does Jonathan throw up
like this a lot?

How am I supposed to know?

You're his father.

Don't you know
anything about him?

Angela always took care
of that kind of thing.

Oh, really?

Didn't she think
it was disgusting?

Excuse me, folks.

Could we finish
tying the knot?

I have a chili
cook-off to bless.

Angela?

In here, Tony.

How's he doing?

He's sleeping
quietly now, but

before he was having
terrible dreams about

dropping frankincense?

Hey, don't worry about it.

It's a common
childhood nightmare.

Let's let him sleep.

I'm really going to miss him.

Angela, we're just going
to be in the other room here.
Come on.

Tony, I know you
don't want to hear this,

but I've decided not to fight.

I'm going to give Michael
joint custody.

You're right.
I don't want to hear this.

Did you see what
I saw tonight?

Yeah, it was great.
All over her shoes.

That little boy is so anxious
to please his father

that he made himself sick.

All right, all right.

So buy her a new pair
of shoes, but keep your son.

Tony, I've made up my mind.

Oh yeah, well did you think
what it would be like

around the house
without Jonathan?

I'll miss him.

We'll miss him.

But isn't that
a selfish reason

to keep a boy away
from his father?

Selfish is good
if it's for the right reasons.

Jonathan loves Michael.

Hey, h*, Jonathan
loves you too.

-Michael.
-Hi.

Is Jonathan feeling better?

Yeah, he's sleeping.
How's Heather?

Well, she's barefoot
and married.

Congratulations.

Listen, Angela, I'd like
to talk to you about Jonathan.

-Me too.
-Angela...

All right, all right,
all right, all right, but I
ain't gonna watch.

I'm gonna go hang up
Jonathan's jacket.

Angela, Heather and I talked
about it and...

Well, I just don't think
that we're ready to be
full-time parents.

Even on a part-time basis.

You mean you're
not going to take him?

I thought you were going
to hang up a jacket.

I did. It didn't take long.

You don't want custody?

Listen, Angela, Jonathan's
a wonderful boy and...

Well, you've done a great
job with him.

You bet she is.

But, well, Heather
and I just got married, and...

I think we need some time
to be alone together.

In a tent.

In a sleeping bag.

So...

I gotta be going.

I've got a bride
waiting downstairs.

Goodbye, Angela.

-Bye, Michael.

Thank you.

Bye-bye.

-We got him.
-We got him!

What's going on?

Nothing, sweetheart.

Absolutely nothing!

Is she all right?

Ah...

TONY: Who's The Boss?
will be back in a moment.

Stick around.

Do you come here often?

I'm with my mother.

Do you think she'd mind
if we danced?

Well, she's at the bar.

Oh, come on.

You know,
I can't understand Michael.

I mean, he's got the chance
to spend the rest of his life

with a great kid like Jonathan
and he walks away.

I mean, he should have
every lawyer in the country
fighting you on this.

Don't tell him that.

Ah, what do you expect?

I mean, of course he's going
to walk away from Jonathan.

He was dumb enough
to walk away from you.