06x03 - Coldfinger

[bunniefuu]

[NEIGHS]

Hello,
I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse
is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed. ♪

[MAN ON TV]
Take my word, folks,

Clackendale's Plant Food
will put the bloom of youth
back in your garden.

So, remember,
for the fertilizer that gives
your lawn a touch of heaven,

dial K-05-2007.

Here are some photos
of our satisfied lawns.

[MUFFLED]
Typical American scene--

a man and his horse
watching TV.

Quiet, Ed, I've
been waiting for this.

[MAN ON TV]
And now the news.

The Secret Intelligence Agency
reveals that an international
spy ring

has been broken
by an unidentified
civilian hero.

And his unidentified
civilian horse.

Shh.

[MAN ON TV]
This man, single-handed,
tracked down an espionage ring

that had stolen secret
government microfilm.

Somehow, he captured
the spies

by signaling the Coast Guard
with Morse code.

Horse code!
I did the sending.

[MAN ON TV]
I've been informed
by reliable sources

that a new shortwave radio
developed by the Army

has also been stolen.

[TURNS TV OFF]

Yes, sir, Ed,
we did a great job there.

You know, the S.I.A.'d give
anything to find out

how I got that secret
microfilm back.

You mean we.
I helped you signal
the Coast Guard, remember?

How could I forget?

Let's face it, Ed.
I sure used my head.

[ED]
And I used my other end.

I sure was proud
of you, fella.

Wilbur, that announcer said
something about the Army's
secret radio being stolen.

Why don't we
crack that case?

[LAUGHS]
Yeah, you-- you do that, pal.

As for me...

I'm gonna have lunch.

Chicken.

That's exactly what
I'm gonna have.

I'm not gonna
let our country down.

Wilbur doesn't call me
Oat-Oat-Seven for nothing.

[RINGING]

- Hello?
- Secret Intelligence?

I'm the secretary of that
patriotic civilian hero

who saved
the country last week.

What do you mean,
"what country"?

Uh-huh.

What?

Just a minute.

Chief, there's somebody
calling for that guy

who helped us get
that microfilm back.

What does he want?

He says Mr. Post
is ready to find that missing
Army radio for us.

What?

And he says
he'll solve the case

for just a bale of hay
and 50 bunches of carrots.

Well, I'll say one thing
for that Post fellow.

The price is right.

- Guess who?
- The gardener?

- Hmm?
- It can't be my husband
because he's never around.

Look, dear,
if it's about my coming in
at 4:00 Sunday morning,

I have a very good reason
for that,

and you'll be proud
when I tell you what it is.

- All right, what is it?
- I can't tell you.

See, I've been
sworn to secrecy.

But married couples
shouldn't have any secrets
from each other.

Okay, how much did you
really spend on that hat
you bought last week?

That isn't fair.

Carol, this was something
special I had to do,

and someday I'll be able
to tell you all about it,

but from now on
no more secrets, okay?

Okay, honey.
No more secrets.

No more secrets.

[PHONE RINGING]

Excuse me, dear.

Hello?

Mr. Post?
This is Slattery.

Slattery,
Secret Intelligence.

Can you come down here
immediately?

Good.
Not a word of this
to anyone.

No, not even your wife.

Good-bye.

What is it, Wilbur?
Is anything wrong?

I can't tell you.
It's a secret.

Oh.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yes?

Send Mr. Post in.

Thank you.
Hi, Chief.

Mr. Post, I can't tell you
how much the government
appreciates your heroism.

Please,
I don't want any reward.

I'm glad to do it
for my country.

If your country
only knew what--

No, no, no, no.
I'd rather remain anonymous,
Chief.

I never was much impressed
with these scrolls and medals

and TV appearances,
ticker tape parades.

Well, actually,
we weren't planning
on giving you any publicity

for catching those spies.

Why not?
I could've been k*lled.

Sit down, sir.

All right.

I didn't call you here
to offer you a reward,

though the S.I.A.
does appreciate your help

in rounding up
that ring of spies.

Well, what did you
call me for?

You called us.

At least your
secretary did.

Said you wanted to help us
track down that missing
Army radio.

Secretary?

I guess he must've
been joking.

He said that you were willing
to work for a bale of hay

and 50 bunches of carrots.

Chief, in the future,
I wish you'd ignore
my secretary.

I was hoping,
with your offbeat,
unorthodox methods,

that you might
be able to help us.

See, word has leaked out
to the public

and Washington is putting
pressure on us to get results.

Well, do you have
any clues?

Just this glove
that was dropped by the thief.

Got any ideas?

Dropped his glove.
We know one thing--
he isn't neat.

That's about
all we know about him.

Chief, why is this radio
so important to the Army?

It's our latest invention.

Took years to develop.

It's an ultra miniature
shortwave radio.

It will be issued
to every serviceman

Now that it's been stolen,

if an enemy country
got hold of it,

why, we'd lose
any advantage of surprise.

As you can see,
it's small enough to fit
in a man's ear.

[PLAYS MUSIC]

What are you looking for?

To see if it
was made in Japan.

I still say you had no right
to call the S.I.A.

and offer my services
without my permission.

Please, Wilbur,
I am not your wife.

Don't yell at me.

[SNIFFS]

You're wasting time.
You can't tell anything
by sniffing that glove.

Oh, no?
Look at my face, Wilbur.

It's all nose.

Eureka!
Our first clue.

Huh?
What do you smell?

- Chow mein.
- Chow mein?

The spy was eating
chow mein?

Smells delicious.

Sprinkle some soy sauce
on this glove and I'd eat it.

Okay, so the man who stole
the Army radio likes chow mein.

That narrows the suspects down
to about 18 million people.

Except this guy
doesn't go for regular
chow mein, Wilbur.

- I smell duck.
- Duck chow mein?
There's no such dish.

Don't be too sure.

In chow mein,
who knows what they put
under all those noodles?

Call every
chop suey joint in town.

Find the one
that serves duck chow mein

and you've got your spy.

I don't know, Ed.

It doesn't make sense.

Why would a man
eat in a restaurant
wearing gloves?

He must have a problem
keeping his hands warm.

Wilbur, the man we're looking
for is Coldfinger.

[MAN]
Derek?

Yes?

It's cold.
I'm freezing.

Why doesn't someone
turn on the heat?

It must be at least


Uh-huh, uh-huh,
that's exactly what I said.

It's cold.

Kosh, the police
have been snooping around.

I tell you one thing,
we've got to get rid
of that radio quick.

I'm not worried
about the police.

We must be patient,
Derek.

Sooner or later,
some government will pay
our price.

What about that little country
Outer Monrovia?

Surely they would be interested
in buying an American
military secret.

They are, but they
can't afford to buy it

until they get their next loan
from the United States.

I have finished
decoding the cables.

Good.

Mei Ling, what is
the highest bid we have
for the radio?

$50,000.

$50,000?
That's an insult.

What are they
trying to do,

take the profit incentive
out of the spy business?

This must be
the slack season for spies.

I'm not worried, Derek.
These are just little fish.

The big ones will be
nibbling soon.

[PHONE RINGING]

Excuse me.

Hello, Flaming Dragon.
Can I help you?

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Howdy, there, ma'am.

I just blew in from Texas
and I got a hankerin'

after some
duck chow mein.

Y'all wouldn't happen
to have that, would you,
missy ma'am?

[NORMAL VOICE]
You do?

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Uh, I mean, y'all do, huh?

Yes, sir.

I believe we're the only
restaurant in town

that serves
duck chow mein.

Why, your voice is just
music to my ears.

Ma'am, y'all wouldn't happen
to be from Texas, would you?

[LAUGHS]

May I take
your reservation, please?

Yes, ma'am,
the name--

[HIGH VOICE]
Sorry, sir, your five minutes
are up.

[NORMAL VOICE]
Why'd you do that?

[NORMAL VOICE]
For two reasons--

one, you sound as Texan
as my Aunt Sophie from Vermont.

What was the other reason?

What are you gonna do,
sit around all day

eating chow mein
till Coldfinger shows up?

How can I find out
who he is

unless I'm in the restaurant
watching for him?

- I've got an idea.
- Forget it.

It's too dangerous,
whatever it is.

Don't worry, Wilbur.
I'll be there to accept
the medal for you.

- Ed!
- You've got
to do it, Wilbur!

Your country needs you!

Now get out there
and fight for Old Glory.

Okay, Ed.
I'll do it.

And if I don't come back,

I hope you sleep nights.

Thank you.

Where's that new waiter?

That crazy fella?
He in kitchen.

- How's he working out?
- Terrible.

Drop thing
all over the floor.

He is a regular goof up.

I'm worried about Wilbur
as a Chinese waiter.

He's liable to lay an egg
in the bird's nest soup.

He kooky but nice.

In Chinese restaurant,
always good to have
one more lychee nut.

[CHINESE ACCENT]
Oh, we have a delicious
Chinese dinner.

First bean sprout--

little bean sprout--
delicious.

Our next, shrimp
and fried noodle.

[HUMMING]

Shrimp and fried noodles.

Last but not least,
duck chow mein.

Duck chow mein.
Ooh, very lovely.

Just a touch.
Ah, there we are.

Ooh, hot plate.
Ooh!

[SIZZLES]

Please.

[NORMAL ACCENT]
Find spy with gl-- mm.

[CHINESE ACCENT]
Oh, me? We got really fine pie.

Got apple pie,
huckleberry pie, lemon pie.

Got, uh, Fig Newton.

[NORMAL VOICE]
Fig Newton? Blah.

[CHINESE VOICE]
Why you not take hands
from under table

and enjoy
nice Chinese dinner?

It's too hot.
I'm waiting for it to cool.

You want cool dinner?
Oh.

So, you don't want hot dinner.
One cool dinner coming up.

Here, here.
Stop that!

Well, enjoy dinner.

Lots of luck
with fortune cookie.

[BELL RINGING]

[CHATTERING]

[KOSH SHIVERING]

[GASPING]

It's freezing.
Derek, close the window.

[SNUFFLING]

Wh-what is that horse
doing in the alley?

I'll get rid of him.

Oh, oh, sit down,
gentleman. Sit down.

Menu?

And for you?

Please take menu.

Very hard to hold
with hand in pocket.

Just bring me
duck chow mein.

Very fine.

Allow me to congratulate you
for very good taste.

Shake hand?

Oh.

Oh, almost forgot.

Almost forgot paycheck.

[MUTTERING]

There.
Uh, pay now, please.

Check?
I haven't even ordered yet.

[STUTTERING]

That our new policy
of house.

"Pay now, eat later."

I'll find out
if he's wearing gloves.

Stop bothering me.
Go away.

[KOSH]
Derek, I told you
to get rid of that horse!

Oh, no, no.
Never mind.

I-- I get rid of horse.
I get rid of horse.

You sit down. Please sit down.
Enjoy your meal.

Enjoy meal.
Hope you enjoy very much.
Very much.

A blond Chinese?

I don't think he's a waiter.

I don't think he's Chinese.

Oh, yes. That are not
real blond hair.

No, that black roots.

Only my hairdresser
knows for sure.

What are you doing here?

I-- I a Chinese waiter.
Name Lou Fong.

Good old Lou Fong.
Everybody know Lou Fong.

You'll prove
you're Chinese now.

Huh?

Lee?

Yes, boss.
What can I do for you?

Talk to him in Chinese.

Yes, boss. Much easier
than speaking English.

[LAUGHING]

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

[EXCLAIMS]

You said a mouthful.

No.

Speak Chinese.

[MOANING]

[MIMICS SPEAKING CHINESE]

[LAUGHING]

[LEE SPEAKING CHINESE]

[LAUGHING]

[BOTH SPEAKING CHINESE]

Well, he's Chinese.

I still don't like him around.
Keep an eye on him.

You know, I no understand
a word you say in Chinese,

but it sounds very funny.

Tell me, what part
of China you born?

Oh.

All over.
I born on houseboat.

Makes me nervous
having a stranger around.

We ought to hide the radio
in a safer place.

What safer place
than right here in this room

where we can
keep an eye on it?

I know it's bad manners
to snoop,

but it's the least
a horse can do for his country.

[CLOCK CHIMING]

All clear.
Come on.

Excuse me, Ed.
Get over.

You sure Kosh said the stolen
radio was in this room?

It's in this room
somewhere, but where?

Yeah. Now this calls
for logic, reason,
and deduction.

So keep quiet
and let me think.

[CLOCK TICKING]

[HOOVES CLOMPING]

Let's see.

Where would I hide it

if I were
a sneaky human being?

[ch*nk]

Wilbur,
can you hold it down?

Sorry, Ed.

Hmm.

[CLINKING]

Wilbur.

How can a horse think
with all that racket?

Shh. Yeah.
Yeah, sorry.

[SIGHS]

[RADIO PLAYING]

That's it.

[CLINKING]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Ed, look.

I found it in one of those
bamboo things there.

Nice going, buddy boy.

[CAR DOOR SHUTS]

What?

[KOSH]
Derek, there's
somebody there.

Ed, that's Kosh.
What do we do with the radio?

Whatever a secret agent does.
Swallow it.

I can't even swallow
an aspirin.

Okay. Pop it in my mouth.
I'll swallow it.

Open up.

[GULPS]

Want a glass of water?

[BELCHING]

[DOOR OPENING]

[KOSH]
Oh, the blond
Chinese waiter.

What are you doing here?

And you better have
a good explanation.

[STUTTERING]
Yeah, it's...

fraternity initiation.

I have a-an old
college mascot here.

[RADIO PLAYING]

The radio.

[CLINKING]

[THUDDING]

I've got him.

[HORSE GALLOPING]

They both got away.

I don't know.

When they
start sending horses,

maybe it's time to get out
of the spy business.

Ed, you should have seen them
at secret intelligence

when I gave them
the missing radio.

The chief was so happy,

he was ready to give me
the keys to the city.

I'd rather have the keys
to Santa Anita.

They got some mighty
pretty little fillies there.

Did you tell 'em
I was the one

who found
that chow mein joint,

and how I swallowed the radio
and coughed it up

and saved the country?

Well, yeah, I-- I told them
all that, Ed, only...

Only what?

I told 'em I did it.

Ed.

Ed, listen.

They'd never believe
a horse did all that.

And, Ed,
I promised Mr. Slattery

we'd help him round up
Kosh and his g*ng.

This horse
is not helping you any more.

Find yourself
a talking taxi.

- But Ed--
- [CAROL] Wilbur?

Once and for all,
where were you till 3:00
this morning?

[SIGHING]
Well, Carol,

you're my wife and you have
a right to know. So...

[MIMICS SPEAKING CHINESE]

[SIGHING]

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse
is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak
and waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one'll talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

[MAN]
This has been
a Filmways presentation.