04x20 - Ol' Swayback

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

Oh, Sam.

I'll see if the coast is clear before I invite my friend in.

Just a minute, old pal.

I'd better soften Wilbur up, so he'll let Sam stay with us.

Follow me, Sam.

Hey, Sam, wait here.

Hi, Ed, where have you been all morning?

Oh, I, oh, it was such a nice day.

I went to the park, rented a boat and rode around the lake.

You big clown.

You know, I could do with a little exercise myself.

Why didn't you invite me to go along, you know, just for the ride?

No, I felt like going bareback today.

Somebody's in a good mood.

Yeah, I feel great.

How about you? Fine, fine.

Full of goodwill toward all men? Sure, sure.

How about one stray horse?

Who did you bring along with you, Ed?

Oh, a real needy case, Wilbur.

The poor soul needs help.

I'm sorry, Ed.

No, you just can't keep taking on these problem animals.

You're a horse, not a social worker.

Remember the good words, Wilbur.

Love thy fellow horse.

Hay cast on the waters.

Charity begins in the stable.

All right. All right.

Stop beating the drum.

Salvation, Sally.

Let's see who you brought home this time.

Yeah, I'll call him.

Sam.

Wow.

Where'd he come from?

Wilbur, please.

An Australian horse.

Most of them is down under.

I know he's a little swayback.

That's why he ran away from the carnival.

He did? Yeah.

The clowns used to ride him.

People would laugh at him.

Gave the poor guy an inferiority complex.

That's a shame.

Yeah, I've got something for him.

Oh, thanks, Wilbur.

Oh, carrots. Good, good.

Here you go.

Eh?

That a fella.

That's all right.

Well, he can stay for the night, Ed.

But that's all. Just one night.

Oh, thanks, Wilbur.

A good night's sleep.

A week of love and affection.

And he'll be a new horse when he leaves us in a month.

Well, I guess I'm just like you, Ed.

I'm a soft touch for any lonely stray who needs a home.

That's how you got your wife, huh?

You go on in there and fix your friend some lunch, eh?

Go ahead.

Go on. He can eat more than one carrot.

Well, here it is, Wilbur, all finished.

And isn't she a beauty?

Say, that looks like the real thing, doesn't it?

No, no, no. No touch. Hands off.

Oh, come on. Am I going to hurt your plane?

I was in the Air Force, too, you remember.

As I recall, one of the best pilots in your squadron.

Yes, one of the best.

As I recall, you were set up on a target practice

and nearly bombed the Pentagon.

Only because there was a piece of defective equipment in my plane.

Yeah, the pilot.

What's that?

Oh, that's Sam, a friend of Ed's.

Boy, that's quite a horse.

You can ride him and walk at the same time.

Gordon, I wish you wouldn't make fun of him, huh?

I've seen swaybacks, but that one...

You have to step down to get up on him.

Ah, you were going to fly a plane, weren't you?

Fly your plane, eh, Gordon?

Huh? Oh, yeah, take-off time is 1400.

But, Wilbur, where did you find that sad sack animal?

Oh, he ran away from a carnival. Escaped.

What did he do, jump through the hole in his back?

It's that sort of talk that made him run away.

What sort of talk?

Oh, people laughing at him, making fun of him.

No, I mean, the horses don't do that to people.

Well, think. When was the last time a horse laughed at you?

I can't decide whether you're a backward human

or an intelligent ape.

I vote for backward human.

Don't be funny, Ed.

Why did you let him make fun of my buddy?

He didn't mean anything by it, Ed.

Besides, Sam couldn't possibly understand what he said.

Oh, yeah? He knows when people are laughing at him.

Just look at him.

The only way he can face the world is with his back.

Sam, you're always going to be a swayback,

unless you try to improve your posture.

Now, pull in that tummy.

Ed.

Maybe it would help if you wore a girdle.

Ed, I'm trying to work.

Eh, sorry, Wilbur.

Maybe some breathing exercises would build up those stomach muscles.

Okay, now, Sam, deep breathing.

Inhale as deep as you can, like me.

Watch.

Hold.

Okay, now, exhale.

Ed, for crying out loud.

Sorry, Wilbur.

I thought if we could pull his stomach in,

it might pop his back out.

I'm sorry, Ed, but this just isn't gonna work out.

Oh, please don't send him back to the carnival.

Not till we give him back his self-confidence.

You can see I'm not going to get any work done around here,

so if there are any phone calls for me, I'll be in the patio.

Eh, never mind, never mind.

We'll go outside.

Thank you, thank you.

I brought you a sandwich and some coffee, dear.

Fine, just put it over there, Sergeant.

Uh, Miss, the weenie. There it is.

Uh, what is this box for, Colonel?

That is the radio control unit.

It, uh, operates the airplane.

Oh.

Uh, what does this button do?

That's the engine control.

Uh, it controls the engine, huh?

Yes.

And that's why they call it the engine control.

Yes, that's why they call it the engine control.

Oh, isn't that clever?

And what does this button do?

That is the, uh, stabilizer flap control.

Oh.

I'll bet they call it the stabilizer flapper.

No, they just call it the button that operates the stabilizer flaps.

And, uh, that one operates the wheels.

That one operates the rudder.

Uh, what does this button do?

That one ejects the wife out of the work area.

Now, scram.

Well, I was only trying to show an interest in your hobby,

so we'd have something to talk about.

We don't need anything to talk about.

We've been married for 20 years.

Well, at least you could shout at me once in a while

to show me that you love me.

Winnie, I haven't got time to shout at you now.

Before you started making this silly airplane,

we used to have some beautiful arguments.

Winnie, please, I'm trying to get this airplane

ready to fly this afternoon.

Ooh, that was a bad takeoff,

but a nice belly landing.

What's going on out here?

I was teaching Sam to jump,

but it would be easier to make a pole vaulter

out of Jackie Gleason.

Well, what on earth happened?

My fence is ruined.

Well, don't worry about it, Gordon. I'll have it fixed.

Well, but where did you get this horse?

It is a horse, isn't it?

For a moment, I thought it was a camel upside down.

Oh, this is Sam.

Carol, I should have told you about Sam.

He'll be spending a few weeks with us.

A few weeks?

Well, maybe it'll just be a few days,

depending upon how long it takes him

to get ready to face society again.

What's the matter? Has he been in jail?

No, it's an emotional problem.

I'm hoping that with a little understanding and sympathy,

we can change his outlook

and send him home a happier and healthier horse.

You know who needs the understanding and sympathy?

His wife.

Look, I'm awfully sorry about this.

This whole fence was...

Hey, your plane's ready to go, huh?

Hey, now...

Look, I'll fix that in a second.

Attention! Bow face! Forward march!

One, two, three, four!

One, two, three, four!

Colonel.

Huh? Just a minute, Winnie.

Oh, I hate to bother you

while you're playing with your toys.

I am not playing with my toys.

When Wilbur grabbed the propeller,

he bent the wing,

and now I've got to get it back on.

Well, won't it fly with just one wing?

Would you like to fly in a plane that had just one wing?

Regular or jet?

Oh, the silly questions.

Oh.

Well, if you think I'm so silly,

why did you marry me?

I married you because you have beautiful brown eyes

and a wealthy father.

Oh, Winnie, I am sorry.

I didn't mean that.

I married you because I love you.

You believe that, don't you?

Yes.

Good.

How did you find out Father was wealthy?

Yes.

Hello.

Hi, Gordon.

Look, I'm sorry I damaged your plane, but I...

Did he hang up on you?

I'm going to go crawling to him.

If he wants to make up with me,

he can crawl halfway.

Colonel, that's a terrible thing to do to Wilbur.

Now, you call him right back and tell him you're sorry.

I am not sorry.

On account of him, I got all this extra work.

I'm surprised at you, Colonel.

Sometimes you act like a second lieutenant.

Winnie, watch your language.

You never hang up on people.

Now, you tell Wilbur you're sorry,

and don't yell at him while you're apologizing.

I think it's just terrible the way you do.

You have to learn how to behave yourself.

There, give me a phone.

Hello?

Hello.

Hello?

Who's that?

Elsie Havistraw. Who's this?

Sorry, I guess I've got the wrong number.

If you're calling me, you have.

Who's that?

Wilbur, I'm sorry about what I did before.

Why? What did you do?

Well, he called me on the phone, and I...

None of your business.

Madam, what are you doing on this line?

Don't ask me.

I just moved in this apartment this morning,

and my phone wires have mixed up all day.

But don't mind me. You boys just keep on talking.

Well, will you please hang up?

This is a private conversation.

Oh, you can trust me.

I've had my own party line for 15 years,

and I know how to keep a secret.

Then prove it by getting off the line.

Stick around, lady.

You make more sense than he does.

Wilbur, I said I was sorry.

I'm willing to let bygones be bygones.

Naturally. Your bygones weren't hurt.

Mine were.

Oh, will you boys excuse me for a minute?

I think there's somebody at my door.

Gordon, that was pretty childish,

hanging up on me like that.

All right, so I lost my temper.

Now you're the one being childish.

Oh, now I'm the one who was wrong, huh?

It's hard to say. I haven't heard both sides.

Madam, will you please get off the line?

Tell me, are either of you boys married?

Yes, we're both married.

Now will you please hang up?

Wait, Gordon. You said I was wrong.

We'll ask an impartial outsider.

Madam, what would you say about a man

who hangs up on his friends?

Well, give her all the facts.

Madam, what would you say

if you'd spent days building a model airplane

and your clumsy neighbor comes along

and rips off the propeller?

Did he do it purposely?

Of course not. It was an accident.

Well, if you were girls,

I'd tell you to kiss and make up.

But we're not girls.

You're both married,

so to me, what's the difference?

Is she gone?

I think so.

Boy, she's a bit off her rocker, huh?

Yeah, must have fallen off years ago.

Say, Wilbur, how about Winnie and me

taking you kids to dinner tonight?

Okay, Gordon. You got yourself a deal.

Good.

What do you mean, I'm off my rocker?

That's it, Sam.

Keep that head up.

Don't drop the food.

Posture's the whole thing, Sam.

We've got to turn that wishbone

into a backbone.

Hey, and why is your light on at this hour?

Remember, we've got to get up early

for our Sunday ride with Gordon.

Oh?

So you and the chicken colonel

are buddies again, huh?

Oh, yes.

The four of us went out to a fancy restaurant.

Had a great dinner.

Floor show, dancing.

Gordon and I are just as friendly as ever.

After I paid the check.

Good night, Ed.

Wilbur.

Yes?

Do me a favor, huh?

Why, what's that?

Instead of riding me tomorrow,

ride Sam.

Sam?

Yeah.

Make him feel like a horse.

Make him feel wanted.

Ed, I couldn't do that.

Please, Wilbur.

It'll build up his confidence.

Show him someone besides a clown

will ride him.

Ed, I'd like to help Sam out, but...

He's fast, Wilbur, and easy to stop.

All you do is drag your heels on the ground.

Ed, I can't.

Why, Gordon would only laugh at him again.

Not if you put a rubber float on his back.

Rubber float?

Sure, it'll build him up a little.

And believe me,

you'll never have a softer ride.

Well, no, Ed.

I mean, I'd like to do something for Sam,

but I couldn't...

Have him ready at 6.30, Ed.

Good night, Ed.

Good night.

Have lots of sleep, Sam.

Oh, hi, Gordon.

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, that's all right.

There is a great day for riding, isn't it?

Where'd you get that horse?

Why didn't you bring Ed?

Oh, well, Ed isn't feeling very well, you know.

He got some new shoes and they're pinching him.

I mean, there's nothing worse than riding a horse

who's running and crying at the same time.

How many have I seen that horse before?

He looks vaguely familiar.

Well, Sam has a vaguely familiar face.

Sam?

That isn't that sway-backed animal.

Oh.

What, did you fill him up with cement?

No, no, I just rigged up a special saddle,

and then...

Well, let's ride, shall we?

I'll race you to the coffee shack.

Wilbur, I think your horse just had a blowout.

I must have put too much air in the rubber float.

Now I've seen everything.

You better call a service station and have him towed in.

Gordon, it's not funny.

Just throw a sheet around you,

and you're the Sheik of Araby.

Sam, don't get annoyed.

Now, Sam, take it easy.

You shouldn't have laughed at him, Gordon.

He shouldn't have laughed at Sam, Wilbur.

I told you that rubber float wouldn't work.

You didn't have to put so much air in it.

He's a horse, not a blimp.

I'm sorry, I tried.

Oh, poor Sam.

He was just starting to get his confidence back in people.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Where is he now?

He was pretty upset about Gordon,

so I told him to walk it off.

Well, I wouldn't worry too much about it.

He'll get over it.

Look, I got work to do.

Yeah, get over it.

I'll teach that guy to laugh at poor neurotic horses.

Thumbs away!

Duck, Sam.

What's that?

Oh!

Sounds like your model airplane.

Hit the dirt!

Duck, Winnie.

Stay where you are, Winnie, I'll handle this.

Oh!

Oh, did I hurt you?

All clear, Colonel.

Two months' work ruined.

Don't feel badly, dear, it was self-defense.

I never did like model airplanes.

Yeah, but...

Why did you take up stamp collecting?

Well...

A stamp will never turn on you.

Oh, Winnie.

Our tropical fish, they're so gentle.

Winnie, please, someone started that plane.

Someone was fooling around with that airplane control unit.

Gordon!

Gordon, I found my horse playing around with this in the backyard.

You should be careful, because, I mean, if this ever started up the airplane,

and if it were to get loose and fly around like in the house or something,

it could do an awful lot of damage.

So you started my airplane.

Post!

Attention! Left turn!

On the double.

Sir?

Ed, I've just come to a decision.

Having Sam around here is causing us nothing but trouble.

We've got to send him back to the carnival.

You're too late.

He's already gone back.

He has? Why?

He thinks we're a bunch of kooks.

What do you mean?

He said he'd rather be laughed at than scared to death.

What scared him?

Me, making him jump through fences.

You, exploding rubber floats on his back,

and that crazy airplane that almost took his head off.

He said every day around here was D-Day.

Well, as long as he feels he'd be happier with the carnival.

He didn't say happier. He said safer.

Hi, Wilbur.

Hi, Ed.

What you doing?

Working.

You got a little time to gab a little?

Not now, Ed. I'm busy.

I think you'd better find time.

Ed, what are you up to?

You won't holler at me.

Ed, what are you up to?

My ears.

Okay, let's have it.

Well, uh, this friend of mine, Wilbur,

he's had a little hard luck.

Oh, not again.

Please let him stay with us a few days, Wilbur.

He's such a lovable little fellow.

Bring him in.

It's okay. Come in, Harry.

Come in.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And no one can talk to a horse, of course

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed

Go right to the source and ask the horse

He'll give you the answer that you endorse

He's always on a steady course

Talk to Mr. Ed

People yakety yak a streak

And waste your time a day

But Mr. Ed will never speak

Unless he has something to say

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed