04x08 - Oh, Those Hats!

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

Oh, it was terrible. The flames just raged in me.

Wilbur, will you turn the page for me?

Ed, turn it yourself. You've got a tongue.

No, I'd better not.

I tried it yesterday and swallowed the comic section.

Ed, I'm trying to finish these sketches for Miss Dooley's beach house.

There.

Oh, will you stop pestering me?

Okay.

Uh, Miss Dooley, that's Karen Dooley, the famous Hollywood columnist, huh?

Ed?

Okay, I'll be as quiet as a church mouse.

Fine.

Uh, what I meant was a church horse.

Ed?

Sorry, sorry.

Church mice aren't so quiet.

I bet they sing along with the choir.

He's got the whole world in his hands.

He's got the whole wide world in his hands.

He's got the whole wide world in his hands.

There's something about a choir or a church mice that gets you right here.

Ed, one more word, I want to trade you in on a c*ck spaniel.

Okay, okay, I'll just stand here and read.

I hope so.

I hope so, too.

Hey, listen to this, Wilbur.

City, withdraw support of kiddie zoo.

There's going to be a lot of homeless animals.

Including one Gabby horse.

Oh, this is serious.

When an animal's out of work, he doesn't collect unemployment.

Ed, will you forget it? There's absolutely nothing we can do.

Well, you're doing a beach house for Karen Dooley.

Why don't you ask her to write a column about the kiddie zoo?

Maybe that way we can save it.

Ed, I have an ironclad rule.

I never ask a favor of a client.

Sheesh.

Oh, those poor, poor animals.

Wilbur!

Honey, I've got a problem and I need your help.

I'm awfully busy, dear. You'll find my wallet in my back pocket.

Oh, it's about money.

The girl who was supposed to be mistress of ceremony for our club's fashion show got sick.

And you could do me a big favor.

Well, I'd be very glad to help out, honey.

Only all my dressy cottons are at the cleaners.

Darling, would you ask Karen Dooley to be our mistress of ceremony?

Carol, I would be glad to.

Oh.

Glad not to.

What?

Well, you see, I have an ironclad rule.

Never to ask a client for a favor.

Not even for your wife?

It wouldn't matter if you were my horse.

Your horse? What are you talking about?

Well, it's just that rules are rules.

Let's go outside.

Why should we go outside?

Well, Karen Dooley is a client and I don't like to discuss business in the office.

We're not discussing business. We're talking about a fashion show.

Now, are you going to ask Miss Dooley or aren't you?

No.

Wilbur, I don't have time to play games.

If you're not going to ask Miss Dooley, just say no.

No.

Look, honey, I'll explain the way I feel while I walk you back to the house.

Don't bother.

See it?

Well, I have an ironclad rule. There are no exceptions.

Carol.

Carol.

Look, honey, I've been thinking it over and, uh...

I'm going to ask Karen Dooley.

Do you mean it?

I really mean it.

Oh, Wilbur. Thank you, honey.

Ah.

Say, old ironclad.

I thought you said there were no exceptions.

Well, you know, to keep peace in the family,

sometimes a man has to bend a little.

Bend a little?

If you had any salt on you, you'd look like a pretzel.

Ed, I know how you feel about the animals in the kiddie zoo losing their home,

but believe me, Ed, the papers will play it up big

and somehow they'll be taken care of.

Are you going to ask Karen Dooley to write a column about it?

Ed, I can't.

I'm already going to ask her to do a favor for Carol.

Okay. The time has come for a showdown.

Pick between your wife and your horse.

Okay. I pick my wife.

Okay. The time will soon come for a second showdown.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Eva.

What's that, dear?

You're getting married again. How exciting.

Anybody I know?

Well, anybody you know?

Tell me, dear, what does he look like?

He has eight million dollars.

My, he does sound handsome.

Uh, what does he do?

You don't know?

Oh.

Well, yes, I suppose it will come out at the property settlement.

Someone's at the door, dear. I have to get it myself.

Help stay out. I hate Thursdays.

Good luck, dear.

You deserve a little happiness.

No one has worked harder at marriage than you have.

Or more often.

Mr. Post.

Hello, Miss Dooley. I have the sketches for your beach house.

Oh, wonderful. Do come in.

Thank you.

Hope you'll excuse this room.

It is a mess.

I bought 20 hats this morning.

And I don't know which one to return.

I wish I could help you.

You can. Tell me to keep them all.

Do sit down. I'm dying to see the sketches.

Well.

Oh.

I'm awfully sorry, Miss Dooley.

I'm afraid it's ruined.

Don't be silly.

I think I like it better that way.

What do you think?

Miss Dooley, you're being very kind.

But I insist on paying for it.

How much was it?

$200.

You know, it does look better that way.

You think so?

Oh, yes, yes.

I can't make up my mind about this one.

Mr. Post, do you mind?

I always get a better perspective on a hat if I see it on someone else.

I know. It needs a veil.

I would feel better with it.

Now you stay right there.

Don't touch it. I'll be right back.

Would you mind getting that for me, please?

Certainly.

Good afternoon, madam.

Now, I repre...

Oh, oh, the hat.

It's not mine. It's Miss Dooley's.

Sure, fella.

I was just trying it on.

That's nice.

Not for me. For her.

She wanted to see how it looked.

I think it looks adorable.

Now, wait a minute.

I'm sorry, fella. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

I mean, the way I look at it, it's a free country.

Wear what you want.

Are you trying to start something?

Don't get excited. Don't get excited.

I think it needs something.

It needs a veil.

Mr. Post, I want your opinion on this hat.

It was a gift from some Tahitian natives.

Well, that's very nice, but where's the veil for my hat?

This one here is...

Oh, don't bother about that old thing.

I must see this.

Now, can you see me in that?

I can't even see me in this.

I wonder how that would go at the Academy Awards.

Depends. Are you thinking of wearing it or driving up in it?

What is that white stuff on it?

Is it dirt or part of the hat?

You never can tell with these modern designers.

Would you mind stepping out here with me

so I can see it in a better light?

Oh, not at all.

Just let me know when I get there.

Miss Dooley? Miss Dooley?

Now, stay right there.

Oh, excuse me, please.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Sophia.

You're engaged?

I want to hear all about it.

Of course, dear.

Just between us.

If you say it's confidential, it's confidential.

Mr. Post, would you be so kind

to get me that pad and pencil on the table?

On the table.

Now, tell me all about it, dear.

He's a Maharaja.

Oh, my goodness. I'll have to call you back, dear.

My hat just fell in the pool.

But you promised you'd ask, Miss Dooley.

I was busy trying on hats.

What hats?

Miss Dooley's hats.

You were trying on Karen Dooley's hats?

Somehow, it seemed natural there.

When you go into her house,

it's like entering the Twilight Zone.

This is awful.

I told all the girls that Miss Dooley

was going to be our mistress of ceremonies.

Carol, I didn't even get a chance

to discuss her beach house.

And in all the confusion, I left my sketches there.

Oh, you did?

Oh, well, then I'll go pick them up.

No, I don't want to.

Oh, no bother at all, honey.

While I'm there,

I'll ask her about doing the fashion show.

Okay.

Oh, and Carol, if she asks you to try on any hats,

make sure they have water wings.

Don't bother.

Well, Ed, I'm back, and we...

Come on, let's open up those doors.

Get some sunlight in here.

Oh, Ed, stop pouting about that kitty zoo.

There's nothing we can do about those animals.

Come on, fella.

Ed, let's get some sunlight in here.

Dear Wilbur,

somebody has to let people know

about those poor animals,

so I'm starting a one-horse publicity campaign.

Sincerely yours, Anonymous.

I have a feeling this city will not sleep tonight.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

That's right, Sergeant.

He's a palomino, eight years old.

Although sometimes he acts like a child of three.

Right now he's out trying to raise money for the kitty zoo.

Well, he heard they were going to close, and he...

Huh?

Why do you want my number?

This is a private home.

No, it's not an institution.

Never mind, I'll find him myself.

Uh...

Wilbur!

It worked! It worked!

Miss Dooley is going to be mistress of ceremony at our fashion show.

And guess what?

She offered to have it televised from her own home.

Yeah?

Uh-huh. Here are your sketches, honey.

I've got to call Mayfair's and arrange for the models.

Uh-oh!

You're back, huh?

Well, Edward, you have run away from home for the last time.

I'm locking you in your stall.

Oh, no, Wilbur, don't do that.

I suffer from claustrophobia.

Claustrophobia? You mean you have a fear of closed places?

Yeah, it runs in the family.

I even get nervous when I put my nose in a small feed bag.

Well, I'm sorry, Ed, but you brought this on yourself.

Oh, please don't, Wilbur.

They shut my cousin up once and he went stir-crazy.

Thought he was a cat.

A cat, huh?

Yeah, one day a dog chased him

and my cousin broke his neck trying to climb a tree.

Oh, that was a nice try, Ed.

I'm putting you in solitary.

You stop worrying about those animals in the kiddie zoo.

They'll be taken care of.

Wilbur! Wilbur!

The walls are closing in.

The walls are closing in.

Better shut up.

I'm scaring myself.

Well, how do you like the outfit I'm going to model?

Well, I think... How much did it cost?

Nothing.

I love it. We can't beat those prices.

Mayfair's is going to supply all the outfits

and Miss Dooley is going to let some of the models

exhibit her latest hats.

Won't that be exciting?

Yeah.

And I gotta go to a dull old golf game.

Oh, but, Wilbur, you've got to be there.

I promised Miss Dooley you'd introduce her on TV.

Oh, that's...

Oh, Carol, you shouldn't have put me in a spot like that.

What do I know about performing on television?

Well, that's what I told the girls,

but when we started discussing

whose husband would make the best impression,

we all decided that you were the handsomest.

No matter what you...

How long an introduction does Miss Dooley want?

Oh, just about 30 seconds.

Oh, don't tell me how long I can talk.

I'm running this show.

Oh, honey, would you try this on so I can see how it looks?

Oh, it looks fine, fine.

Oh, come on, darling, it'll only take a minute.

Now, there, you have to hold it like that.

Let me see.

There.

Huh?

Would you please turn around, honey?

Must I?

You know how white fur makes me look so hippie.

Oh, I don't like that neckline.

A little daring, huh?

Thanks.

I know a scar.

I'll be right down, honey.

Oh, hello out there.

This is your master of ceremonies, Wilbur Post,

greeting you poolside from the home...

Excuse me, folks.

We pause for a commercial announcement.

Good afternoon, madam.

I represent...

We don't want any.

Excuse me.

Don't you have a twin sister in Beverly Hills?

Get out of here.

Oh.

Ah, Ed.

I trust you slept well?

Meow.

What?

Meow.

Ed, what are you trying to pull?

Now, don't be mean to me.

I'm a scared little pussycat.

Meow.

Ed, you do not have claustrophobia,

and you are not a cat.

Then why do I keep chasing mice?

I don't have time to play games with you.

This fashion show at Miss Dooley's is being televised.

I have to introduce her, so I'm gonna go learn my speech.

Television, huh?

Wilbur, while you're on the air,

why don't you plug the kiddie zoo?

Ed, this is a fashion show.

There'll be models parading around

wearing Miss Dooley's hats.

It's got nothing to do with a kiddie zoo.

But think of those poor, harmless animals.

This is a chance to let people know about them.

Ed, there is nothing we can do about it.

Meow.

You never stop trying, do you?

Well, you're staying locked up.

See you later, tabby.

I gotta get those animals out of the kiddie zoo.

There's more than one way to skin a man,

and I'm just the cat who can do it.

Operator, would you get me a locksmith?

My horse got locked in his stall,

and I can't, uh...

He can't get out.

We're gonna be on the air in about two minutes, Mr. Poe.

I'm ready whenever you say the word, Mr. Peekery.

Stand by, girls. Stand by.

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.

Wilbur, don't you know your lines yet?

Of course, I know them by heart.

Then why are you reading them?

I keep forgetting them.

Would you please be quiet? You're upsetting me.

Now get ready, Mr. Post,

and be sure to watch for the red light on the camera.

That means we're on the air.

Right you are, Mr. Peekery.

All right, Mrs. Post.

Carol, you better get out of the camera range,

see when the red light goes on.

It is on.

Oh, oh.

Hello out there and tell a...

Hello out there in television land.

This is Wilbur Post,

thanking you for allowing us to bring our pool into your living room.

I mean, our living into your pool room.

Well, welcome to our fashion show.

And I would like to introduce our gracious hostess,

who is going to act as your master of ceremonies,

that famous columnist, Miss Cooley-Duran.

Oh.

Hello there.

This is a real pleasure,

emceeing this wonderful fashion show.

We have some marvelous creations,

guaranteed to make every woman's eyes light up,

and her husband's checkbook black out.

I believe that a woman should be well-dressed from top to toe.

So, as I am mistress of ceremonies,

we will naturally start with the hats.

Among them are some originals out of my own collection,

modeled by some of the loveliest ladies in Hollywood.

All right, girls, we're ready.

Will the first model please come out.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Mr. Post, you tricked me.

No, Miss Dooley, I...

Well, it looks like your crazy stunt paid off yesterday.

The city's gonna sponsor the kiddie zoo.

Yeah.

But look at this awful picture.

That hat doesn't do a thing for me.

It didn't taste too bad either.

Hey, now, according to the television station,

the fashion show was a complete success.

Naturally.

And they're giving me the credit for using the animals

to model Miss Dooley's hats.

Then why did you punish me?

Well, you deserved it, Ed,

after all the trouble you caused me.

How about all the trouble you caused me?

I won't be able to sit down for a week.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And no one can talk to a horse, of course

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed

Go right to the source and ask the horse

He'll give you the answer that you endorse

He's always on a steady course

Talk to Mr. Ed

People yackety-yack a streak

And waste your time a day

But Mr. Ed will never speak

Unless he has something to say

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this

I am Mr. Ed

This has been a Filmways presentation.