04x02 - Wilbur Post, Honorary Horse

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

That's a point for you.

Whoop!

All right, you win again.

Naturally.

There isn't a two-legged animal I can't beat.

Ed, you're amazing. You can talk, you can read, you can play chess, you can play cards.

Is there anything you can't do?

Yeah, I'm having trouble laying an egg.

You know, I bet you could do that too if you put your mind to it.

Uh, I'm honored, Ed, you know. Of all the people on earth you picked me to talk to, how come?

Well, I got tired of talking to parrots and you were the next move up.

Oh, I'll take that as a compliment.

If it makes you feel better.

Ed, it's very frustrating, you know.

Excuse me, Ed.

From talking to you, I've learned more about horses than anybody else in the world.

Yet, I can't tell anybody how I knew it.

Who's stopping you? Write a book if you want.

Write a book? Hey, that's a great idea.

Let's see, uh, what might be a good title? Wait.

Horse.

Horse.

How's this, Ed?

Inside Mr. Ed.

Terrible. It sounds like an x-ray.

This is a great idea, writing a book, you know.

You could tell me all your thoughts, your inner conflicts, your emotions, your hates, your fears, your loves.

I'll help you with a book on one condition, Wilbur.

What's that?

If the book sells to Hollywood, I want Cary Grant to play me.

I saw you more as Richard Burton type.

Oh.

I'll get it, Wilbur.

No, stay where you are. I'll get it.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Carol.

Good news, what?

Wonderful, that is good news.

Yeah, tell Roger I'll be right in.

Thanks, darling. Bye.

Well, Ed, looks as though I'm going to be the architect for Roger Addison's new office building.

Well, congratulations, buddy boy.

How much load are we making on the deal?

Oh, the usual architect's fee, 8% of the cost of the building.

Is that a lot?

Well, it ain't hay.

I wish it was so I could get a piece of the action.

It's still here.

Hey, what about our book?

Inside Mr. Ed.

That reminds me, I'm hungry.

This is really a happy occasion, isn't it?

You bet it is.

Roger, I want to thank you again for getting me this job.

Oh, you deserve it, Wilbur.

I told our real estate syndicate he's the finest young architect in town.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

But I'm glad you did.

Okay.

Thank you.

Roger.

Thanks, Wilbur.

And Carol.

Thank you, darling.

A toast.

A toast to my husband,

whose artistic genius will create this beautiful office building.

Just a minute, doll.

To my husband, whose financial genius will create this new office building.

Let's be honest, Kay.

If there weren't an architect, there'd be no building.

Yes, and if there weren't a builder, sweetie, there'd be no architect.

Roger, let's sign the contract before the wrecking crew kills the deal.

Behind every married man, there's a little woman destroying him.

May I propose a toast?

Yeah, please.

To the Addison Towers.

Yeah.

It'll be an honor to create the plans for the Addison Towers,

because it will be a picturesque addition to our city's skyline.

Also because it will represent an ultramodern achievement in architectural design.

But mainly because it'll put a fat 8% fee in my pocket.



Four?

That's right.

Roger, you know that 4% is only half the usual fee?

I'm sorry, Wilbur. That's as high as we can go.

It was decided yesterday at a meeting of our planning committee.

But doll, I thought you were the planning committee.

Go home, Kay.

Wilbur, maybe you ought to think this over.

She's right. Think of the prestige.

As architect of Addison Towers, you'd have your name chiseled in the cornerstone.

No thanks. I've had enough chiseling for one day.

Excellent marksmanship.

But I suggest you change your decision, Wilbur.



I am not worried about money, Rog.

As a matter of fact, I'm thinking of writing a book that could bring me in a fortune.

A book?

Wilbur, you didn't tell me.

What's it about?

I shall call it Our Friend the Horse.

And I'll write the sequel, Our Neighbor the Nut.

Here's a thing that my readers will want to know about, Ed.

How does hay taste to a horse?

It tastes terrible.

It does? Why are you eating it?

Well, I don't see you offering me pizza.

I guess you get used to hay, do you?

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's a great all-purpose food.

A horse can stand on it, roll in it, kick in it,

stick it around, sleep in it, and when he's all through, he can eat it.

I see you do that with strawberries and cream.

You know, I'm really excited about this, Ed.

This is going to be a classic on horses.

Authentic from start to finish.

Naturally. You're getting it straight from the horse's mouth.

Next question, please.

Now, how about your love life?

Eee, love life. Next question, please.

Well, we'll come back to that one, okay?

Ah, let's see now.

Oh, horses always seem to know where they're going.

How come they never get lost?

Well, for one thing, because they don't stop to ask stupid pedestrians.

How does a horse always seem to know which way he's going?

Well, the horse, each direction has a different smell.

No kidding.

Well, what does North smell like?

Kind of fishy. You know, whale, seal, salmon, fried-y stuff.

Now, tell me, which way is East?

Well, that's easy. You just keep turning until you smell camels.

It's hard to believe.

You mean to say you can pick up a scent from thousands of miles away?

Sure. Look at my face. It's just one big nose.

This is going to fascinate my readers, you know.

How about the South?

Ah, my favorite direction.

Tamales, tortillas, South American fillies, the Roomba.

Okay, I get the idea.

How about West?

Well, that's real simple. You just sniff.

What do you smell, Ed? Desert, cactus, lizards?

Worse than that. Addison.

Tell me, a horse's olfactory nerves are so sensitive

that you can pick up Addison's scent all the way from over his place?

Yeah, and I also saw him coming.

Are you in there?

Yes, Rog. Come on in.

You get a chance to look over these notes, will you?

Okay, and at the same time, I'll check your spelling.

I wish you would. Thank you.

Wilbur, I've got some great news.

I persuaded our syndicate to raise your fee to five percent.

What do you say, neighbor?

I don't hear a word, stranger.

All right, Wilbur. All right.

You win.

The boys said I could go as high as six percent,

if you'd play ball with us.

Rog, at six percent, I'd be happy to play ball.

Good boy.

I said play ball, not design your building.

Now, Wilbur, understand this is my own responsibility.

And it's going to come out of my own pocket.

Seven percent.

Now, will you shake hands?

Make it eight percent, I'll rub noses with you.

Now, Wilbur, wait, wait.

Oh, dolls, I knew you two boys would get together.

Oh, Wilbur.

As a matter of fact, we're very close on terms, really.

What do you mean, close, doll?

You said you were going to give him eight percent, and I...

I think we can rub noses now, Roger.

Well, settle for a handshake.

Oh, darling, I'm so happy.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Oh, doll, Wilbur kissed Carol.

How about you?

I never kiss a neighbor's wife.

What do horses hate more than anything else in the world?

Fat jockeys.

And what do horses like most in the world?

Skinny jockeys.

Skinny jockeys.

May I come in?

Oh, sure, Roger. Hi.

Where's the boy genius?

He's out in his office working on the sketches for the Edison Towers.

Well, working late hours, huh?

Mm-hmm.

You know, Carol, I'm happy I hired Wilbur.

Now, he may have his little quirks, but when he gets to that drawing board,

there's no more conscientious architect in town.

Another thing, Ed, why do horses sleep standing up?

Well, in case we walk in our sleep, we got a head start.

One thing about Wilbur, when he takes on a job, he sticks with it right to the end.

Hey, there's another word for Wilbur, stick-to-itiveness.

That's my Wilbur.

Whoops. I'll get it.

Cat, Cat.

Carol, Carol.

I have just spent six hours working on my horse book,

and some of the ideas I've got, you wouldn't know.

Ah, hi, Ryan.

You spent six hours working on what?

Ah, yeah.

No, on the office buildings sketches.

Would anybody like some coffee?

Coffee?

Thanks, I would.

It's going to be a very modern building.

Outside, it's all, it's a non-bearing aluminum wall, you see, aluminum on glass.

And the maximum exposure will be to the north,

which will eliminate all the solar glare from the west.

Each direction has its own smell.

That's right, the north is fishy, and if you want to find east,

you just keep turning around until you smell camels.

Wilbur, are you out of your mind?

I have 50 people waiting for your sketches,

and here you are writing Nanook of the north.

Rog.

What is all this nonsense about the smell of whales and fishes coming from the south?

No, that's the north.

In the south, you've got tamales and chili con carne.

Well, naturally, with South America and Mexico down there, naturally you get this.

Now you've got to be kidding me.

Wilbur, do you want to be an architect or a barnyard Hemingway?

Rog, I'll give you my word.

First thing in the morning, I'll be out there in the barn.

Oh, no, no, no, not in the barn.

That horse has a Svengali influence on you.

Where am I going to work?

In my house.

I'll shut you up in my den, and you won't get out of there until those sketches are finished.

Now, wait a minute.

Nobody is locking me up in a room like a common criminal for two weeks.

There's a bright young architect named Claude Webster just dying to get this job.

What time do you want me in the morning?

With the plan I got, he's finishing our book first.

Oh, you're going to work in Addison's den, huh?

Yep.

What about our book on horses?

It will have to wait until I finish designing this building.

By that time, horses will be out of style.

He is the boss.

Okay, let Addison lock you up in that cell like a common jailbird.

I will not be like a common jailbird.

What else will I need?

A striped suit and a number.

You just go eat your lunch or do something.

Look at him.

The horseman of Alcatraz.

Now, I've got the den fixed up, so I think you'll like it.

You ought to be very comfortable in here.

You can work right here by the window, you'll have plenty of light.

Look, I even sharpened your pencils.

Now, here's a bell.

Look, see it?

Now, if you want food, just ring it.

The girls will unlock the door and come in and feed you.

Everything clear?

Yes, warden.

Now, believe me, Will, but this is the only way.

I've got to have those sketches for my office building in two weeks.

And you cannot concentrate around that plug.

All right, Roger.

Would you do me one favor?

Certainly, what is it?

Let me visit my family at Christmas.

Ciao time.

Coffee coming up.

Here, let's set it over here, all right?

Wait a minute, I'm not hungry.

Well, why did you ring the bell?

Oh, that was an accident.

I'll ring when I want you.

Oh, yes, Sahib.

Ring one time when you want food.

And ring twice if you want kisses.

No, no, no.

No, no smooching on my time.

Come on.

Back to the kitchen.

Back to the kitchen, girls.

But stand by.

Wilbur, this is it.

I know you're going to design an office building that we'll all be proud of.

Don't worry, Rog.

I won't let you down.

Oh, I am sure I can trust you.

Boy, can I trust you.

What?

Wanna know why a horse turns his ears out?

Go on away.

You're gonna get me into trouble.

Get out of here.

I want to know why a horse turns his ears out.

Why does a horse turn his ears out?

We can pick up sound waves from any direction.

No kidding.

Right now, I'm tuned into Mexico.

I got a bet riding on a Hi-Li game.

So, eh, tuned in, uh-huh.

Well, Ed, tell me, why is it that you turn your ears instead of just turning your head

to listen?

Oh, it's faster and saves wear and tear on the neck.

Wear and tear on the neck.

Neck, uh, N-E-C-K.

I know how to spell it.

All right, now, is it hard to turn your ears?

Why, no.

I can, I can teach you to do it.

You can?

Well, if you do what I tell you, Wilbur, first tighten up your forehead.

Tighten, uh, uh-huh.

That's tight.

Uh-huh.

Now, now, suck in your cheek.

Scrunch up your nose.

Now let your ears flop down.

How can I let my ears flop down?

By thinking horse.

You're never going to write a good horse book if you think human.

I've got to think horse, huh?

Sure.

Now, now, take the question of tails.

Know why a horse has a tail?

Keep the flies off?

No, no, you're still thinking human.

Sorry.

It's kind of hard.

I mean, after all, I am a human.

That's a poor excuse.

You must try to rise above your birth.

I'll try.

Now, now, why does a horse need a tail?

For balance.

Of course.

I never thought of that, balance.

Sure, I mean, a ship has a rudder, an airplane has wings, and a horse has a tail.

Is that why you have a tail, huh?

Yeah, and also I was born with it.

Now, now, how does a tail give a horse balance?

Well, I'll show you.

Get that feather duster over there and tuck it under your belt.

Oh, that's silly.

You want your book to be authentic, don't you?

Yeah.

Then try it.

Okay.

Under the belt, under the belt.

All right, all right, all right.

Yeah, you look better already, Wilbur.

You were born to wear a tail.

Thanks, Ed.

Now, get down on all fours and trot over here.

Now what do I do?

Gallop around the room.

And as you make the turns, stick your tail out in the opposite direction to give you balance.

Get it?

I got it.

Giddy-up.

Gives you quite an upgrade there.

Careful, Wilbur, your tail is drooping.

Lift it up.

Be proud you're a horse.

Yeah, yeah.

I wasn't allowing for the wind there.

Got it.

To the left.

Whee!

That's it.

Ha, ha, ha.

That's it.

Forgive me for asking, but, uh, what are you doing?

Daily dozen.

With a feather duster?

Oh, well, I...

My tail is stuck.

I mean, my duster.

You see, what this is, it's an experiment for my book.

That book again.

You're not a man, you're a horse.

A horse without a job.

You're fired.

I'll, um, take this back, huh?

And bring you some hay.

h*, h*, h*, h*.

h*, h*, h*, h*.

I've never been so humiliated in my life.

Prancing around with that ridiculous feather duster.

Boy, any other architect would leap at an opportunity

to design that office building for the Addison Towers.

But you.

You have to write a silly book that'll never be published anyway.

Horses. Horses. That's all you think about.

Why, you won't be satisfied until you become a horse.

Me become a horse.

That's ridiculous.

Me become a horse.

Me become a horse.

Oh!

Wilbur Post, you will now become a member of the horses of the world.

Wilbur Post, are you prepared to give up humanhood for horsehood?

I hereby declare you horse.

Okay, fellas.

Now, all together.

For he's a jolly good horsey.

For he's a jolly good horsey.

For he's a... Come on, everybody.

For he's a jolly good horsey.

Wilbur.

Wilbur, wake up. Wake up.

Well, don't just sit there. Throw me some sugar.

Wilbur, are you all right?

Oh. Oh, what a nightmare.

I've got to get to the barn.

Oh, honey, it was just a dream.

You're not a horse.

You're darn right I'm not a horse.

I'm an architect.

And I want to get Roger's sketches finished by morning.

For once in my life, I want to be a horse.

For once, I know what I'm doing.

I'll get the sketches done.

It won't take me a second.

I know what I'm doing.

Well, what do you think, Rog?

Beautiful, Wilbur. Beautiful.

Why, your preliminary sketches of Addison Towers are just beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

If you notice, I've given you the executive suite there.

All ultramodern.

You and your secretary will be completely surrounded by glass.

Not a bad idea.

It was Kay's.

I mean, she wants to keep an eye on you.

That's fine, Wilbur, fine.

But, you know, I'm still curious.

How were you able to work all night with that horse around?

Oh, he was no trouble at all.

Never heard a peep out of him.

Remarkable.

Yeah, they don't work.

That's contraptional.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

People yakety yak a streak and waste your time a day.

But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been a Filmways presentation.