05x26 - My Horse, the Ranger

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

You know, it's been a long time since Carol took her girl ranger troop on a hike like this.

Got those steaming bags dusted yet?

No, it's time for my carrot break.

I'm going to have a carrot break.

Yeah.

Ed, we haven't got time for that. Now stop goofing off.

Okay.

A man toils from sun to sun, but a horse's work is never done.

Come on, you can dust faster than that.

No, I can't. I've got a tail back there, not a vacuum cleaner.

You know, this ranger movement is great for kids.

Especially these overnight hikes. Ah, they have a lot of fun.

It just doesn't seem fair.

What doesn't?

How come they don't have ranger troops for horses?

Oh, you big softy. One night in the forest, you'd be screaming for your hot water bottles.

Wilbur?

Yes, Carol?

Well, how is my little troop leader?

Honey, I have to take these ranger dresses to the cleaners.

He said that if I brought them right in, the girls could have them back first thing in the morning.

Good.

Oh, Wilbur, I thought these sleeping bags would be dusted by now.

The tail he's got, not a vacuum cleaner.

I said I'm not a vacuum cleaner.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Will you miss me when I'm gone away on my hike?

Oh, don't worry about me. I'll be all right.

Well, I'll miss you.

Huh? Hmm. Hmm.

Boy, my troop leader was never like that. Hmm.

Hi there.

Sorry, kids. I rang the doorbell. Nobody answered.

Oh, that's all right, Jay. I wasn't doing anything important. Just dusting off an old bag.

What?

A sleeping bag.

Hello, Jay.

I'm taking my girl rangers on an overnight hike tomorrow to Throg's Neck.

How are you getting along with your new troop, Jay? The one you just started?

Oh, Wilbur, that's why I'm here.

You see, I was going to take the boys camping, but I sprained my ankle and I was hoping maybe that you'd take them.

Oh, honey, why don't you?

Why, you haven't taken the rangers hiking in over a year.

You know why? They're still looking for the last troop I took out.

Excuse me, Jay. I have to take these dresses to the cleaners.

Honey, take the boys out. You'll have a ball.

Yeah.

Uh, Wilbur, do me a favor, will you? After all, there's only three of them so far.

Only three? That's hardly enough to steer a little old lady across the street.

They come from a pretty rough neighborhood. I had quite a job getting even three.

Oh, look, Wilbur, if I can get these boys to accept the rangers,

maybe I can get the rest of the kids in the neighborhood off the streets.

And me into a hospital. I'm sorry, Jay. I just can't take them out tomorrow.

Wilbur, these are city kids. They've never seen the country in their whole lives.

Now, how can you let them down?

Same way you did. I'll sprain my ankle.

Well, okay. Thanks anyway, Wilbur. I tried.

Okay, Jay, I'll take the trouble.

Oh, thanks, Wilbur. I knew I could get... Say, your voice sounded different.

You got me kind of choked up.

I'll have the boys here the first thing in the morning. You'll love them, believe me.

Fine, Jay. Uh, how did you happen to sprain your ankle?

I was teaching the boys wrestling and one of them threw me.

Well, fine spot you got me into.

I don't feel like going on an overnight hike.

But your horse does.

Oh, forget it. You're not a boy ranger and you can't go.

Oh, that's not fair. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be going.

You know, a million dumb animals in the world, I gotta get the blabbermouth.

To go on that hike tomorrow, I'd become a boy ranger.

Yeah, I'd even become a girl ranger.

You know, this isn't a bad idea.

Freshening up on tent pitching before I take those rangers out tomorrow.

Uh, read what the manual says, eh?

If I do, will you take me on the hike tomorrow?

Oh, then get another horse to read to you.

Ed, how many times must I tell you?

You are not a boy ranger and you're not going on the hike.

Now, read those instructions and read them right now.

Ed, don't give me orders in that tone of voice.

I'm your horse, not your wife.

Ed, be quiet and read.

Even for a talking horse, that isn't going to be easy.

Stop wasting time.

All right.

Find the two front corners.

Huh?

What?

Huh?

Now find the two rear corners and spread them out at right angles.

Okay.

All right, now what's next?

Now swing out your partner and do-si-do.

Will you stop clowning around?

Just read what's in the book.

Well, raise a pole and fasten a guy line to it with a taut line hitch.

Sir, this page is...

Peg the tent sides to the ground and fasten the lines.

If you have followed these instructions,

your tent will now be ready to be occupied.

Ed, I got a feeling you purposely goofed me up.

Now I've got a feeling you're right.

Very stylish.

Off-the-shoulder tent, huh?

Yeah, well, see, it's been years since I pitched one of these things.

I'm going to have to ask the rangers to use sleeping bags.

Say, why don't you take me with you, Wilbur?

I'd be glad to give you a hand with the boys.

Oh, I'm sorry, but the kids will kind of look up to me as their leader.

Oh, naturally you'd be in complete charge.

I'd just forget the fact that I was your colonel and you were my lieutenant.

Okay, but I warn you, Gordon,

you pull rank on me just once and I'll have you drummed out of the weenie roast.

Do I really want to go?

Sure, because you're just like every other red-blooded American.

You want to get away from your wife.

That's so funny.

Oh, well, I'm going with Wilbur on that hike with his troop tomorrow.

Oh, wonderful. I'll pack my things.

Now, Winnie, you can't go.

Don't be silly. I'm your wife.

Yeah, but these are boy rangers and you can't come with us.

Why not? I could be like a sort of a den mother to them.

I could see that the children get up early,

take their baths, brush their teeth,

I have three balanced meals a day,

and in the evening I could lead the singing around the campfire.

Now, Winnie, it's just out of the question.

You cannot come with us.

All right. I'll go with Carol and her girl rangers.

What's going on?

Gordon's going on a hike with Wilbur tomorrow,

and he won't let me go.

Do you mind if I go with your troop?

Of course not, Winnie. The girls would love to have you.

Oh, now, honey, don't be angry.

I hope your marshmallows melt and fall in the fire.

Now, that's not fair, putting the marshmallow curse on me.

Carol.

Everybody's going hiking except me.

Wilbur may crawl into his sleeping bag tomorrow

and find a horse there.

Why don't you go along, Ed?

Who are you?

I'm the fun-loving part of you, Ed.

The little devil.

Ah, go sit on a pitchfork.

I can tell you how to become a ranger

so they'll take you on the hike.

I'm not listening to you, devil.

But, uh, keep talking.

Ed, if you rescue them when they get lost tomorrow,

they'll have to make you a ranger.

How do you know they'll get lost?

Oh, they will.

After you jam up Wilbur's compass.

That's a dirty trick.

But, uh, what have you got in mind?

Mm-hmm.

When's this chicken outfit hitting the road?

Oh, well, uh, just as soon as my neighbor,

Colonel Kirkwood, gets here.

We can, uh, play some games while we're waiting

if you want to.

What do you want to play, a tag or mumbly peg?

Run, sheep, run?

What'll it be, fellas?

How about k*ller judo?

No, no, no, son, no.

A ranger never uses judo except in self-defense.

Get ready, because you're gonna need it.

Now, now, B.J., now, a good ranger,

he's obedient, he's cheerful, and he's friendly.

He's happy at all times.

I got a nickel, says B.J., takes the warden.

You're on, monk.

All right, boys, so much for games.

Yeah, I'll help you out.

Yeah, no, no, no, I'd rather do it myself.

Yeah, sis, sissy.

Well, men, I see we're all ready for our field exercises.

Let's get to it.

Who's the clown with the soldier suit?

I don't know, but he talks like a truant officer.

If he had a tambourine,

I'd say he was a captain in the Salvation Army.

He's got an eagle on his shoulder.

He's an eagle scout.

Rangers?

Rangers, I want you to meet Colonel Gordon Kirkwood

of the United States Air Force Reserve.

Gee, I knew it was a trap.

You've been drafted.

They're not sending me overseas.

Me neither.

I got three kid brothers to support.

Men, Colonel Kirkwood is just going along

to keep us company.

That's right, men, at ease.

You're out of uniform, lieutenant.

Oh, sorry, sir.

Oh, Wilbur, something terrible has happened.

What's wrong?

Why aren't you in your outfit?

Oh, the machine at the cleaners broke down,

and the girls and I can't have our uniforms

for at least an hour.

And if we don't get started now,

we'll be late for the jamboree at Throgs Neck.

Now, girls, let's not lose our heads.

This calls for clear thinking.

So I will take over.

The male battalion will depart immediately

for its appointed destination.

The male platoon will delay its departure,

then will follow with the girl rangers' uniforms,

effecting a rendezvous at 1,400 hours.

Is that clear, lieutenant?

Yes, sir, and if anybody tries to escape,

we'll sh**t to k*ll.

Hey, Phyllis, I think we may have to pull a mutiny.

We got two kooks in command.

Look at that mixed-up compass.

He'll need me to lead him to those girls.

Ah, what a horse has to go through

to become a boy ranger.

Hey, boy rangers,

we'll rest here.

We can't be too far from those girl rangers.

Hey, this place looks familiar.

Hey, boy rangers,

It should. It's the third time we've been here.

We've been going in circles.

I'm dizzy. I'm starved.

I'm poofed.

I can't understand this.

No matter which way I turn,

this compass needle points straight at me.

How do you account for that, Dr. Livingston?

I don't know, unless it's my magnetic personality.

You know how the robins find north?

They follow the geese.

How do the geese know where north is?

Maybe they look back to see which way the robins are flying.

Wilbur, following your expert lead,

this expedition is lost.

Now, if you want these girl rangers' uniform

delivered in time for the jamboree,

you better let me take over.

I'm sorry, Gordon. This is my troop and my command.

Under the articles of w*r and in the forest,

a troop leader outranks a colonel.

Okay. Now, you stay here with the men,

and I'll go find the trail.

By the way, which way do you think north is?

Oh, there's no doubt about it.

It's that way.

Thanks.

All right, men.

While the colonel is trying to find the trail,

why don't you say we have dinner?

Now you're talking.

Ah.

A magnet.

No wonder my compass wouldn't work.

All right, troop.

Which one of you put this magnet in my knapsack

and then put off my compass?

It was a good idea, but I didn't do it.

Me neither.

B.J., you must have done it.

Not me. A ranger never takes credit

for something he didn't do.

Didn't you say that?

All right, troop. You asked for it.

Just for that, tonight, after the weenie rules,

we'll have the campfire sing,

but there will be no lecture

on our furry little friends of the forest.

I'll k*ll myself.

Just my luck.

With that compass working,

he won't need me to guide him to the girls.

Now, what'll I do?

He-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he.

Uh, how did you get here?

On my pitchfork.

It's the only way to fly.

Yeah, that ain't so funny, laughing boy.

You still want to be a boy ranger, Ed?

Sure, but with that compass working okay,

how can I rescue them?

Want me to figure out something else?

Something nice and sneaky?

You'd better,

or there'll be a certain devil on the unemployment line.

Some water on that fire.

What was that?

Sounded like a hyena.

Look, boys, will you get to sleep now?

Come on, you've got to get your rest.

Now lie down, close your eyes.

One, two, that's it, fine.

Sleep.

You, turn your face away from the fire.

That's it, look out that way.

That's it, boy.

Now he's dancing.

This guy never stops.

If there are any squirrels around here,

they'll store him for the winter.

Look, you boys are never going to get to sleep

if you're going to lie there watching me.

Now go to sleep, come on, sleep.

Sleep.

Ed, I just thought of a brilliant way

you can get into the Rangers.

I don't know if I can believe anything you tell me.

Gee, pal, if you don't believe a devil,

who can you trust these days?

Now, listen to me.

So you do just like I tell you.

All right, fellas, look, enough is enough.

Which one of you hid our clothes?

We didn't hide them, Mr. Post.

We're freezing.

Yeah, freezing.

Ack!

Well, I suppose it could have been an animal who took them.

Hey, you kids are catching cold.

You better get into some warm clothes right away.

Are you kidding?

I can't find clothes.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Uh-uh, you're forgetting our motto.

A Ranger is always prepared.

Ack!

I know how you feel, fellas, but just remember this.

When you are fighting the elements,

it's only the strong who survive.

Who wants to survive?

I wish I were dead.

I look like my sister.

Well, let's gather our things together

and get going, fellas.

That's our boy.

Where are we going?

Where are we going?

We gotta deliver these dresses.

Oh, no.

Then we'd just be left in our shorts, wouldn't we?

Well, I guess we'll just have to start for home.

You mean we're gonna walk in the streets like this?

No.

No, we can't walk home like this, can we?

You mean we have to live in the forest the rest of our lives?

Who wants to be a elf?

Now, fellas, it isn't that bad.

We'll just wait till it gets dark and then we'll go home.

Meanwhile, like good rangers, let's remain cheerful.

What do you say we play some games?

I'd wrestle, but I don't want to wrinkle the pleats of my skirt.

How about Ring Around the Rosie?

Why aren't girls always sneezing?

Dresses are so drafty.

Oh, Winnie.

Well, I left them around here.

I hope they're all right.

Oh, don't worry.

Oh.

Ah, hi there.

What a touching sight.

A mama lion protecting her widow cubs.

Someone else is having a good laugh, too.

Who could that be?

Um, you kids all stay here.

I'll see who that is.

Uh-oh.

Oh, no.

Oh, I should have known it was you.

You stole our clothes, huh?

Where are they?

Over there.

Behind that tree, ma'am.

Look, I haven't got time to talk to you now,

but when we get home,

I'm gonna teach you the lesson of your life.

Now I'm really in for it.

Well, we did it, Ed.

What do you mean, did it?

I've never been in worse trouble.

That was the idea.

Okay, I'm finished, Wilbur.

All right, Ed.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Fine.

You know, I would have been a lot harder on you, Ed,

but as it turned out, the hike was quite a success.

Jay phoned and said the kids had such a good time

that four more are joining the rangers next week.

Yeah?

Boys or girls?

Don't press your luck.

Ed, I don't know what gets into you sometimes.

You shouldn't blame me, Wilbur.

The devil gave me those ideas.

Ed, don't be silly.

There's no such thing as a devil.

Who sells.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And no one can talk to a horse, of course

That is, of course, and that's the way

The horse is the famous Mr. Ed

Go right to the source and ask the horse

He'll give you the answer that you endorse

He's always on a steady course

Talk to Mr. Ed

People yackety-yack a streak

And waste your time a day

But Mr. Ed will never speak

Unless he has something to say

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this

I am Mr. Ed