05x10 - Ed's Juice Stand

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

Come on, Wolver, quit stalling.

Ed, let's see you hit this one back.

Nice going, Ed.

Hit that if you can.

Oh, no!

Ed, you're not supposed to kick the ball.

I'm sorry, Mr. Red.

Why is it every time I'm winning, you lose your temper?

Well...

Well, answer me.

Mom taught us, kids, if you can't win gracefully, be a sore loser.

Ed, it's no good to play a game unless you play the same rules I do.

Well, what do you want me to do, grow a pair of hands?

It was some kick, you know.

I didn't realize a horse's hind legs were that powerful.

Well, it's all in a follow-through.

Want me to show you how?

You mean you could teach me to kick a ball like that?

One of my pupils is now playing with the rams.

Well, where does a horse get that leverage?

From the hips or the knees?

It'd be easier to explain if you had four legs.

Well, this I gotta learn, Ed. I gotta learn this.

I'll loosen up a bit and then you can show me, huh?

Hey, that's good exercise.

Very good.

Yeah, I see. It isn't the knees or the hips.

It sort of comes from the haunches, doesn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Uh-uh.

I think I'm getting the hang of it.

Just kind of kick straight back.

Don't look now, Seabiscuit.

But you've lost your jockey.

Oh, hi, Carol.

I was just, uh...

Is lunch ready?

Yes, I'll get your feed bag.

Well, what on earth are you doing?

Well, uh, you know what the doctors say.

If a man exercises regularly, he stays young.

Well, I wish you'd go next door and tell Gordon that.

He wants to cancel our bowling date tonight.

Why? What's wrong?

Nothing. He's just in one of those I'm-growing-old moods.

You know, he just wants to lie around the house and do nothing.

Uh...

Here, Colonel.

If you're going to act like my grandmother,

you might as well look like her.

Thanks, Winnie.

Actually, I was a little chilly.

I know how you can warm up.

Go bowling tonight.

Winnie, go away and let me read my paper.

Colonel, is that the chair creaking or your bones?

Anyway, go see if you can cheer him up, Wilbur.

Okay, I'll be in for lunch in a minute.

I'll call you when your hay is done.

Right.

How do you like that, Gordon Kirkwood?

If I ever begin acting old,

stuff me and send me to a museum.

I gotta hand it to you, Ed.

You're older than Gordon, yet look how spry you are.

Who's older?

I'm only eight.

Yeah, that's in horse years.

But in people years, you'd be, um, 64.

Ed!

Must have blacked out.

You would, too,

if you had 56 years suddenly sneak up on you.

What are you doing?

Getting used to a cane.

I'm an old horse.

Ed, will you stop that?

When I said you were 64, I meant people years.

Actually, you're as young as you feel.

And I feel 64,

which in horse years must be six or seven hundred.

You've got the face of a young horse.

Then I stole it from him

because I'm an old one.

Ed, you know what you need? Exercise.

I'm gonna get the football and throw you a few passes.

Oh, football?

I haven't even got the strength to play checkers.

What a horse.

Eight years old and you're ready for the rocking chair and the show.

Gordon, I always thought we'd grow old together.

I never thought you'd be in such a hurry to get there ahead of me.

Kids?

Oh, hello, Wilbur.

Hi, Winnie.

Gordon, what's this I hear about you staying home tonight?

I'm too tired.

Oh, come on.

Charlie lent me his new ball.

Heavy, little beauty.

Oh, boy, I can't wait to let this go sailing down the alley.

Ooh, boy, that's heavy.

Look out!

Gordon, it goes without saying,

if there's any hospitalization, I insist on paying half.

Gordon, come on, you know what?

No, no, no!

Colonel!

Oh, well, you're not so tired, are you, Gordon?

Looks like the bowling is off for tonight, Ed.

You should see Gordon.

He's sitting there in his rocking chair with his shawl,

worrying about growing old.

I need security.

I wish I had a daughter I could marry off to a rich racehorse.

Eight, nine, ten.

What are you doing, Ed?

Counting my wrinkles.

Oh, come on, fella.

Got your whole life ahead of you.

You've got plenty of time to sow your wild oats.

Sow them?

At my age, I'm lucky if I can eat them.

Oh!

You are talking like a child.

Now, listen to me.

Talking like a child, the first sign of old age.

Please, listen to me.

You haven't heard a word I've said.

Oh, I'm slipping fast.

Now my hearing's gone.

Either you change this mood or we're not going riding today.

Well, I second that motion.

Let's forget about riding.

I can get more action out of a merry-go-round.

Wilbur, you know how we can solve my problem?

No.

And if the phone rings, I'll be over at Gordon's.

In my old age,

I'm running a telephone answering service.

Operator.

Hello, young lady.

Could you help an old soul place a business call?

I'm getting worried.

I wish he'd flutter an eyelid or something.

Oh, Wilbur.

There just has to be some business Gordon can invest in.

I wish we could find something.

With so much time on his hands,

he just won't get off that rocking chair.

Yeah, look at him.

Whistler's father.

Ah, Gordon.

Nice to see you off your rocker.

You can all stop worrying about me.

When I find a business that excites me,

I shall invest in it.

Hey, why don't we go in business together?

Like what?

Oh, like making rocking chairs?

Wilbur, you have a wonderful sense for humor.

Why don't you try using it some?

Ah, one good thing about Gordon.

And I wish I could think of it.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Carrots.

Carrots.

Apples.

More carrots.

More apples.

What is going...

Ed?

Ed?

What is going...

Ah, no.

You did.

Who ordered all this?

I did.

You did?

Why?

I'm saving for my old age.

Ed, you're out of your mind.

You have finally flipped.

Don't holler at me, Wilbur.

I'm old enough to be your father.

You are not old enough to be my father.

Even if I'm married young?

Even if you're married, I'll have junior high.

All right, Ed, I'm leaving.

I'm leaving now.

When I get back, I expect all this stuff to be gone.

Gone.

Do you understand?

Yes, sir.

All right.

What are you gonna do now?

I'm gonna call a few horses and auction off this stuff.

You leave that phone alone.

Gee, Ed, why do you do these things to me?

Is it so wrong for a horse to think of his future?

What do people do?

People are different.

People can go to work.

They can go to business.

They can save money.

A horse has to...

Has to live on...

Handouts.

And that's not for me.

I'm a proud horse.

Still, you phone the market and charge all this to me.

Are you proud of that?

Yes.

Do you know another horse that can make a phone call?

I don't want to discuss this anymore.

You just send all this stuff back to the market.

He said people can go into business and save money.

Let's see.

What business can a horse go into?

Plenty of carrots.

And, uh...

Apples.

I could squeeze them and make a new soft drink.

That should take care of my old age.

I'll be making money hand over hoof.

Boy, this Wilberini is great.

You got another nickel, Sandy?

Yeah, I'll pay this time, Steve.

A half dollar?

How are we gonna get change?

Grrrr!

You know, Sandy,

Ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha.

Did you see that?

Yeah, Mr. Ed could be a bus conductor.

Thank you, Mr. Ed.

Hiya, Sandy. Hello, Steve.

Hi, Mr. Robart.

Say, this is quite an enterprising little business you got here, fellas.

It don't belong to us, Mr. Robart.

No?

A Wilberini drink.

Wilber.

Is this Mr. Post's idea?

Well, it must be. It's his horse.

Well, the architect business must be pretty bad.

Well, the least I can do is patronize a neighbor.

It's a swell drink, Mr. Robart.

We've had five, six.

The horse gave us one on the house.

Let's go, Sandy.

Bye, Mr. Robart.

Bye.

Mr. Robart, don't drink that. No.

No, no, it's awful. Don't.

Ah.

Be so modest, Post. This is delicious.

You like it?

Ah, sensational. It's different.

Ooh.

Fantastic.

You know, if you were to bottle this drink, you might clean up.

What did you put in it?

Well, I-I put...

Excuse me.

Yeah. Go ahead. No.

I put in, uh, some, uh...

Oh, I'd say that's carrot juice and apple juice

and-and, uh, and some...

I put in, uh...

horse liniment.

I beg your pardon?

Uh, what I mean is, I'm not at liberty to tell.

You see, Wilberini is an old family recipe

that's been handed down from horse to owner.

From father to son.

Now, look here, Post, I don't want to steal anything from you,

but I might be willing to invest a little in this drink.

You might?

Mm-hmm.

Why don't you stop by my office in the morning

and bring the recipe?

You mean you think you can make money out of this stuff?

No doubt of it.

All we need is a good catchy slogan.

Oh, like-like, uh,

when you eat a red-hot weenie,

wash it down with Wilberini.

Ooh.

Not-not bad.

Not good either.

See you in the morning.

I'll work on that slogan.

That'll be a dime, Wilber.

Wilber, this drink is delicious.

If you add some vodka, you could have a Wilberini Gimlet.

You know, Robart has made a fortune on his investments.

He never misses.

If he wants to put his money in this drink,

it must be a winner.

Give me some more.

Yeah, sure.

Wilber, what did you put in it?

Hmm?

Oh, well-well, I, uh...

Apple juice.

I put-I put apple juice as the base,

and then I-I, uh, blended in some-some carrot juice.

Carrot juice to give it body and flavor.

And then I added, um...

I-I-I added, um, uh...

Guess.

What?

Oh, wow, what's the difference?

The main thing is, I'm-I'm letting you in on the deal.

Oh, did you hear that, Winnie?

We'll all be rich.

Oh, look at him.

He's like a young man again.

Thank you, Wilber.

That's my Wilber.

My little genius.

When you've got it, you've got it.

Ed, you've got it, and I want it.

I got it, and I'm keeping it.

I-I know it's got carrot juice in it,

and apple juice,

but what's that other ingredient you added?

Sorry, senor.

No hablo inglés.

Ed, if you won't think of me,

at least think about Gordon.

See, going into business has given him a new lease on life.

Now, you wouldn't want to see him

spend the rest of his days sitting on that rocket

Better him in that rocking chair than me.

You're still worried about making money for your old age, eh?

Okay, Ed, go ahead.

Make your fortune, but believe me,

you will be miserable.

Well, at least I'll be able to afford the misery I like.

All right, Ed.

You don't have to give me the secret ingredient.

I can just take this drink over to a chemist

and have it analyzed first thing in the morning.

W-W-W-Wilber, that's not fair.

W-W-Would you do that to me?

Sorry, senor.

No hablo inglés.

Maybe I won't be here when he gets back.

If I have nothing to look forward to,

I might as well look forward to it somewhere else.

Ed?

Ed, why don't you, uh,

save me that trip to the chemist tomorrow

and tell me the secret ingredient?

Ed?

Ed?

Well, now, I guess you found out

my secret ingredient is hay.

Hay.

That's right.

I strain the juice through day-old hay.

I hope you make a fortune with my drink, Wilber,

because you're a good man,

and I love you.

Me, I'm heading for the animal country,

where an old toothless horse

can spend his few remaining years gumming grass.

Goodbye, and if you want to send me a farewell telegram,

I'll be at the Union Truck Terminal, Gate 7.

This new generation of horses,

what are they coming to?

Get up!

Come on, get up now! Get up!

Come on!

Get up!

Come on, get up now! Get up!

Come on!

Move!

Get up there! Come on, come on!

Come on!

Get up there!

Moo!

Hey, what are you doing here?

Moo!

Charlie, come here.

What are you doing with a horse here?

This truck is for cows.

Well, he mooed.

Who mooed?

The horse mooed.

The horse mooed?

Honest, I'm standing there checking off the cows,

and this horse walks up to me,

looks me straight in the puss and says,

moo!

Look, Charlie, I've talked to you before

about hitting a bottle on the job.

I'm standing there checking off the cows,

along comes this horse,

looks me straight in the puss and says,

moo!

All right, take it easy, Charlie.

Go get yourself some black coffee.

I'll finish checking them off.

Of course, like I told you, honest,

I'm standing there checking off the cows.

Beat it, Charlie.

When this horse comes along,

looks me in the puss and says,

moo!

Moo!

Hey, what's going on here?

You want some black coffee, Joe?

What kind of a horse is this anyway?

He says, moo.

Maybe it's one of them cow ponies that grew it up.

Go on, go on. Get out of here.

Go ahead. Go on. We don't need any horses here.

Gee.

Charlie,

I know you heard it,

and I heard it,

but I still don't believe it.

You may think I'm some kind of a nut,

but five will get you ten.

That horse gives milk.

Oh, here comes Wilder.

Beat it, sister.

You can't walk around here

this time of night in a bikini.

All right, horse.

Come over here, young fella.

Aren't you ashamed?

I sure am.

With all of those cows running around

wearing those topless suits.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ed, I'm tired of you feeling sorry for yourself.

If you want to run away from home,

okay, goodbye.

No, Wilbur, don't go away.

I'm your little horsey.

Ed, if you're my little horsey,

why do you feel so insecure?

Ed, don't you know

that I'm going to take care of you

for the rest of your life?

And I'm going to live a long time,

huh, Wilbur?

Of course you are.

And you thought you were going to spend

the rest of your life gumming grass.

Look. Look at those teeth.

They're beautiful.

You know, Ed, you could pose for toothpaste ads.

That's right.

I have 27% more teeth

than any other kid in school.

He, he, he, he.

Boy, they sure got some pretty little fillies

on that play horse calendar.

I wonder what February looks like.

h*, h*, h*.

I'd sure love to park up on Mulholland Drive

with you, honey.

Do, do, do.

Do, do, do, do.

Do, do, do, do, do.

Glad to see you've got

young ideas again, Ed.

Yeah.

What do you say we go out riding

and pick up a couple of fillies, huh?

I'm not a horse, remember?

Too bad.

We could have a ball double dating.

Yeah.

You know, Gordon is still upset about Robart

turning down that Wilburine drink.

Just because it was strained through hay?

Well, people don't

go for that kind of thing, you know.

Then, uh, how come

they drink through straws?

Huh?

Huh?

A horse is a horse

Of course, of course

And no one can talk to a horse, of course

That is, of course, unless the horse

Is the famous Mr. Ed

Go right to the source and ask the horse

He'll give you the answer that you endorse

He's always on a steady course

Talk to Mr. Ed

People yakety yak

A streak can waste your time a day

But Mr. Ed will never speak

Unless he has something to say

A horse is a horse

Of course, of course

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this

I am Mr. Ed

This has been a Filmways presentation.