01x16 - Do the Fight Thing

[bunniefuu]

Stop the madness!

Owens the security guard is here.

You got five minutes

For your cigarette break.

Five minutes, o.k.? That's all.

Let's keep on movin'!

You don't want to get otis mad.

Temporary washroom attendant.

Wait, boy. You just reachin'.

You going to leave a tip?

Huh? Come on, boy!

Wait!

I heard something, bub.

No, otis like that quiet money.

Can I just get a towel?

What was that, a quarter?

There's your quarter.

Now keep on movin'!

I said keep on movin', boy. Don't look back.

Just keep it on movin'.

Come here, boy.

You look very studious.

You came out a stall

And you was going to walk right out that door.

Get over here and wash your hands!

That's how germs get passed on.

Damn! And you stink, too.

I don't think you're finished.

Come on, let's go.

Get on out of here.

Let's just keep on movin'.

That's right.

Oh, damn!

I didn't know michael jackson

Was that tall or that dark.

Look here, can I use the comb?

No, no, no, boy.

Not with all that grease in your hair.

I'll give you a tip, o.k.?

I'll give you a tip, boy.

Next time you change your motor oil,

Wear a shower cap.

Old man, please.

Old man? Look at that, boy.

That's an old man to you?

Otis don't take that.

You just messed up!

You just messed up, boy!

Keep on movin', boy!

Keep on movin'!

Captioning made possible by warner bros. Captioning made possible by warner bros.,

♪ Martin ♪

How y'all been? ♪ Martin

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

Check it out-- we're back.

Now, you're waiting for your woman in bed.

You got everything planned out--

Your opening move,

Where you want to end up.

Maybe you're even going to try out some new stuff

You've been trying on your own.

Your woman comes into bed damn near naked,

Her body looking like plop-plip-plodah-plop-palah!

So you're getting it going, you're getting it on,

And she stops.

"Not tonight. I just want to be held."

Yo, detroit, whazzup with that?

What up?

My husband says he's happy to just hold me.

What makes you think he's telling the truth?

He's .

The man's happy if I change his diaper.

Do to him what I'm about to do to you.

Pull the plug.

Yo, we got--oh!

Hey, wait a minute, everybody!

Ha ha!

A special guest just walked into the studio.

Come here.

Maybe she would like to say hello.

Come on, baby. Say whazzup to the people.

Say, "whazzup?"

What's up? Hee hee!

No, no.

Come on, baby, give me attitude.

Say, "whazzup?"

What's uuu--

There you go, girl. Sit on down there.

Everybody, this is my baby,

The love of my life.

She's taking me to dinner.

You know why?

Because she never cooks.

Martin!

You know it's true, gina.

I cook for you.

Hey, cap'n crunch in a bowl

Isn't cooking.

This isn't the right place to be talking about this.

I don't hide anything from my fans.

Then they know you cried during beauty and the beast.

I'm just playing, everybody!

Ha ha! You!

Uh, yeah, she's just playing.

Anyway, back to this cooking thing.

How come you working women don't like cooking?

For two reasons, martin--

We're smart, and we're not your mother.

Why talk about my mother?

Why talk about my cooking?

Why talk on my show?

You invited me here!

You're dissing me on my show and you can't cook.

What good are you?

Ha ha!

Um...uh...

We got to get out of here.

This is the starving martin payne.

See you at a drive-thru.

You put my cooking down on the radio!

Gina's right, martin. Dump on her at home.

This will cost me listeners.

I didn't insult her, did i?

I'm going to dinner by myself.

Come on, baby. Come here.

All right, I'm sorry, o.k.?

You only said what you felt.

I had no right to lay that on you.

I don't care if you ever cook,

Just as long as I can get my sugar for dessert, girl.

Stop! Not tonight, martin.

Tonight you're going to fast.

But, um, you can hold me if you want to, baby.

Please!

If you ain't cooking,

You damn sure giving it up!

Gina!

I'm sorry!

Wait! I'm sorry, gina!

I'll hold you!

I'll cook for you, gina!

Aah!

Mmm-mmm-mmm!

"Mmm-mmm-mmm"? Excuse me?

I know you ain't looking at me.

You got something caught in your--

Your throat, or something?

Mmm-mmm-mmm!

You got fire and spice.

I like that!

You just said some key words.

You said I have spice and fire,

So stay away before I burn your a*s up.

Look, I want you to know me.

Let me introduce myself.

I know who you are, o.k.?

I've seen you in history books.

Didn't you invent peanut butter?

Or were you busboy at the last supper?

Oh, my lord.

Excuse me, honey...

You got the wrong guy.

I got the right guy, pops, o.k.?

Ain't nothing an old man can do for me but pay my rent.

Guess what? I just saved your life.

Because one stroke of the sheneneh--

O.k.?

And you will have a stroke.

Good day.

I was just trying to brighten your day.

Child, please.

You brighten everybody's day with that hot suit.

Sss--ow!

O.k., O.k.

[Knock on door]

Bye.

Yo, stan.

Uh, martin I came here to--whoa, martin!

You got a color tv and a phone?

Martin, I'm paying you too much money.

You didn't come here to tell me that.

You're right.

After you left the station,

The phones went crazy, man.

People loved your show.

That ain't nothing, stan.

They know me out there.

Chili?

No. It was gina.

The people loved hearing you two fight.

I want her on the show.

Hell, no!

Besides, gina already got a job.

But her job's not in the glamorous world of radio.

She won't do it, man.

[Toilet flushes]

Oh, hey. Hey, stan.

Hey, babe...

You ain't going to believe this,

But stan wants you to leave your job

To fight with me on the radio.

Really?

Yeah.

Me on the radio? I don't know, stan.

He's out his damn mind.

I know nothing about radio.

You don't have to know anything.

Look at martin.

Don't start, stan.

Do you really think I could do it?

I know so. The people loved you.

The phone rang so often,

You'd have thought we were

Giving away government cheese.

People called, telling me they loved the show.

You can't let your public down.

I didn't know I had a public.

You do now!

If you could work it around my schedule--

It's done.

So y'all just disrespect me and don't ask me?

Ask you?

No disrespect, martin,

But come on!

You heard stan. They love me!

So, anyway...

Damn!

Martin, baby...

Dinner's ready.

Oh, good.

What you make?

Something special.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

This looks like your regular cooking.

What is it?

It's cajun-- everything's blackened.

Catfish is blackened.

Steak is blackened.

But these buns are just burnt, babe.

That's funny, martin.

You should use that on the show tomorrow.

Good idea, gina.

And then I'll say, "my rolls are nothing.

My chicken's so dry you got to eat it in the rain."

That's funny! I'll write that down.

What?

Martin, work with me. I can't carry the show.

Stop doing this, gina. Damn!

You've been writing everything I say down.

Write this down-- I don't want you on my show.

Why don't you want me on your show?

Because you might get hurt.

How?

Look, babe,

My show is based on the truth.

Let's say you gain pounds

And I caught you squeezing into your jeans.

On the radio,

I'll have to call you "big drawers" mcgraw.

Martin, take that back!

You've never seen me squeeze into my jeans!

I saw you pop out a few.

Oh, that--you did not have to go--

That's low.

See? See?

I insult you, we fight.

What's next? I'll tell you.

We split up. It's inevitable.

That's not true.

Look at ike and tina turner.

Want to end up like them--

Me in jail

And you looking like you rolled your hair in firecrackers?

You really think this will hurt us?

I do, babe.

Then maybe I shouldn't do it.

You mean it?

Yeah, martin.

I don't want anything to happen to us,

And I don't want people laughing at me.

I love you.

I love you, too.

I probably wouldn't have been any good, anyways.

Yeah, right.

I mean, I love your little squeaky voice,

But I don't think nobody stuck in traffic

Want to hear that.

What are you saying about my voice, martin?

No, no, no. You got a great voice,

But on the radio

You need personality, too.

I don't have personality, either?

Yeah, baby, you got personality.

You're just not funny.

I am, too, funny, damn it!

Oh! Oh, o.k.

I see what you're doing.

You don't want me on

Because you're afraid I'll blow you out the water.

Please! Me afraid of you?

You must be smokin'.

Well, you just better get ready,

'Cause it's on now.

I'll see you on the radio tomorrow,

And don't be late.

See ya when I see ya. Peace!

No, no, no, no.

That's my line!

I'll see you

When I see you, big drawers!

Peace!

Hey, man, what's up?

Yo, yo!

How y'all doing?

Martin, what's up?

It's gina, man.

I got problems!

Man, not that again!

You need to put gina in check.

If she was my woman,

I'd tell her, "woman, I am the man, o.k.?

Now shut up!"

I can see you doing that to big shirley,

And I can see you pulling her foot out your butt.

Hey, yo, tommy, you was peeking through my window?

What?

Uh, nothing.

Y'all going to help me, or what?

What's the problem?

Stan wants gina to come on my show.

So?

It'll ruin our relationship.

Oh, o.k.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

If gina works with you,

You'll have no time during your breaks

To spend daydreaming about oprah...

And being alone on a desert island

And squeezing on her big old soft round--

Hey.

Hey, hey, cole! What's wrong with you, man?

Cole, sit down. Don't say nothing to me.

Just sit down, all right?

All right? Nothing!

Here's the problem, tommy.

Gina could change. This could mess her up!

Then I'd lose her.

You're afraid she might be better than you.

Shut up!

I know you, man. You're jealous!

Of what?

Gina's talented, she's attractive,

And there's a big possibility

She'll be a huge success.

Not if we plan this right.

What are you talking about?

Tommy, my radio show is all I have.

Gina's already making more money than me.

I might as well stay home and have the baby.

You read the enquirer?

Men do that in australia.

I've asked you not to say nothin'!

Zip it, cole, all right?

Don't say nothin'!

Martin, look, I understand.

What do you want us to do?

I love gina so much.

I want our thing to work.

So help me destroy and humiliate gina on the radio.

Oh...o.k.

Let's think.

Mmm!

Shut up, cole! We're thinking.

All right, go ahead, cole.

It better not be stupid.

Don't say anything.

We're not! Go ahead!

No, on the radio show-- don't say anything.

Just sit back and don't say anything.

Gina can't run a whole radio show by herself.

She'll make a fool of herself.

Damn!

Cole...

That's actually a good idea.

Yeah, I know!

And while gina's bombing, the best part is,

All you got to do is just sit back...

And daydream about oprah.

Being alone on that island,

Squeezing on them big old--

I'll k*ll him!

You nervous, martin?

Please. It's my show.

It was.

All right,

It's going to be like that, huh?

Uh, yep.

You got your little note cards.

Sure do.

Oops!

Stop, martin!

You're not going to shake me.

Well, maybe this will.

............

What up, what up, what up?

This is the insane martin payne,

Sitting here with the most beautiful woman

In the whole wide world--

Gina waters.

Say whazzup, baby.

What's up, detroit?

Let's talk about

Why you didn't want me on your show.

Is it because you never win our arguments?

Martin, what's wrong?

Martin!

Martin!

Uh...uh...

Uh, hey, um...

Martin had to step away for a moment,

So why don't you call and talk to gina,

'Cause gina's in the house!

O.k., The number is -wzup.

Hello?

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Again, that number is -wzup.

Ever burn a roll and try to cover it up

By calling it cajun food?

Yes?

Hell, no!

What are you talking about?

Where's martin?

Next caller!

Whazzup?

I don't know whazzup, but you ain't.

Now put martin on.

Um, why don't we take another caller?

Is there a woman out there

Who understands me?

Girlfriend,

Who did you sleep with to get on the radio?

You're tired!

Take them cajun jokes over to country .

I didn't sleep with anybody,

And you don't need to talk like that!

Woman, where's martin?

He's not here!

Well, go get him.

I can't stand your squeaky voice.

Are you a woman or a whistle?

Well, you didn't need to talk to me!

[Screeching] I can't believe you!

Will you shut up your squeaky little voice?

It's making my dogs go nuts.

[Dogs barking]

I can't believe you!

I didn't want to be here!

Hey, baby--

I don't want to!

Whoa, baby.

Yo, yo, yo, caller.

You still there?

Yeah, brother.

Don't you ever diss my girl like that,

You punk.

I'll put a foot in your [beep].

Huh?

Huh?

Then say some [beep].

[Beep] your mother, [beep] your aunt,

[Beep] all y'all!

I'll whoop your [beep].

We'll be back after this word

From our [beep] sponsor.

Damn!

Oh, man...

Martin.

Ohh, gina, come here, baby.

Come here, come here.

Oh, look, look, look, babe...

When I left you alone on the radio,

I was setting you up,

But I didn't know it'd go like that.

Why'd you do that, martin?

I was afraid you'd be good and take my job.

Yeah, well, I wasn't.

You were cool. You were o.k.

Martin...

You're right. You were terrible!

I had no idea how hard it would be.

I can't do your job.

Why should you do mine?

I did it because you said I couldn't.

You did it because I said not to.

Yes, martin.

Let me tell you something.

Don't you ever, evercome into my apartment,

Strip naked,

Throw me on the sofa,

And try to make love to me.

Don't you do it.

Don't you do it, gina!

Don't tell me what to do.

Damn it, don't do it.

Look, babe, when I left you alone--

Come on, baby.

Baby, come here.

Come here.

[Director] no, that's no good.

One more time.

[Director] hold him, hold him.