01x07 - The Parents Are Coming

[bunniefuu]

[Upbeat hip-hop music]

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

Lawrence, y'all.

What's up? How y'all feel?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ ♪

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

All right, trust me on this.

Godzilla's coming down the street.

Don't look back.

Trust me. Don't look back.

Ohh!

I told you, don't look back.

He squashes people that looks back.

Martin, is this your book?

Yeah, babe.

O.k., Good.

Mm-hmm.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Babe, that's my baseball shirt.

I know.

Did I do something?

No.

My parents are visiting on their way home.

I don't want them to know you sleep here.

But I do sleep here.

Not while my father's around, you don't.

Dr. Waters,

Look what I'm doing to your daughter.

And look what your daughter doing to me.

Martin.

Martin, stop it.

Martin, stop!

I'm serious.

You don't know my father.

He can be very intimidating.

What do you mean?

Well, he made my last boyfriend cry,

And he was a muslim.

Damn.

Please be on your best behavior

And please wear a tie.

He made a muslim cry?

Uh-huh.

You know what?

I won't just wear no tie.

I'll wear a bow tie.

It's important.

I love my father.

I care about what he thinks.

Babe, I care about what he thinks, too.

You're my future, girl.

Don't worry.

Just be yourself, and daddy's going to love you.

He's coming! He's coming!

Run for your life! Run for your life!

Oh, forget it.

You haven't got a chance.

Yo, talk to me, detroit.

We're talking in-laws.

Whazzup?

Hey, martin, this is d. Down at the car wash.

My woman's father hated me,

But my woman stood by me.

When he came after me with his car,

She stood by me.

When he tried to poison me with pesticides,

She stood by me.

When he tried to sh**t me,

She stood by me.

Oh, man, what happened?

Well, I ducked, and he shot her by mistake, man.

Is that loyalty or what?

No, that's stupidity.

Ladies, if you meet a man named d.,

Don't stand too close

And please remember to duck.

This is our last caller. Whazzup?

Why do you have a problem with in-laws?

My mother-in-law lives with me.

She tells me how to raise the kids, clean, and cook.

We get along just fine.

That's sweet. And your husband likes all that?

No. He left us three years ago.

What was his name?

Roscoe.

Roscoe, you're smart. They're a bunch of nags.

I'm out. Yo, this is the insane martin payne

Saying see ya when I see ya. Peace!

Sean, when I'm on the air,

Be clear with your hand signals.

You look like you're choking on a chicken bone.

That only happened once--

Not on a chicken bone. A pen cap.

Why are you eating pen caps?

Yo, boss man, what's up?

You, sean!

I saw you touching my cadillac again.

No, no, no. I didn't touch your car.

That's right. Right.

Hey, boss--

Shut up, martin!

You were putting your clammy hands

All over my turtle wax.

No, I wasn't.

Maybe I'm hallucinating. Maybe I'm crazy!

No, no! I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll go down there and wash your car.

O.k.

He falls for it every week.

What's wrong with you, martin?

Last time I looked like that,

An ugly woman told me she was three months late.

I'm a little nervous, man.

I'm meeting gina's parents tonight.

Oh.

Look, bro, no problem.

Do what I do when I meet a girl's parents--

Check out the mother.

That's what you'll be dealing with in years.

And if she's a fat sow with warts,

Head for the hills while you can.

What if gina's mother look great?

Then dump gina and hit on the mother.

Look, martin, those old women,

They are wild, man. Yes, sir.

Look, martin,

I love me some experienced, wide-hipped women.

You know what I mean?

And you will, too.

Changed my life.

Yo, man, I can't get this.

Want me to go home and get my clip-on?

No.

Martin, why are you nervous?

They're gina's parents. They have to be o.k.

Her father's this big, famous doctor.

He used to gina going out with lawyers, doctors, astronauts.

He won't think I'm good enough for her.

Yes, he will.

No, he won't.

I remember what he got on his s.a.t.s.

Listen, I'm on the radio.

I have no college degree.

He'll think I'm a street kid.

He'll think you're a loser, a bum.

Might as well be living in a box.

Yo, man,

I don't want to blow this tonight.

First impressions mean a lot, tommy.

Where you having dinner?

Chez maurice's.

Ooh. Ooh.

Chez maurice's.

Very impressive, man.

You brothers know any french?

Lisa bonet.

Why you want to know french?

The menu's in french.

Her father speaks five languages.

I want to impress him. Ohh...

Martin, you don't have to know french

To show him you the man.

Do what I do--

Picture her parents naked when you talk to them.

What?

You picture somebody naked, they seem silly.

Then you feel more in charge.

That works?

Sure. I do it

The times mom starts yelling about the phone bill.

Cole.

Huh?

You're supposed to picture other folks' parents naked,

Not yours.

Really?

Listen. Don't you see?

If gina's father don't like me,

She'll start seeing me through her father's eyes,

Then send me packing.

Martin, just treat the doctor as an equal.

I'm going.

Yo, I've been reading medical journals.

You know what this is?

Yeah. That's how you recognize a tr*nsv*stite.

That's in the real world,

But in the medical world,

This is the adam's apple.

Martin, don't play that game, man.

You out your league.

Go what you know.

Make him play your game.

Do your radio thing.

I see what you're saying.

Be like I am on the radio,

The wild and crazy me.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

That's a bit much.

It'll work. You know why?

Her father will see that I'm the man.

Gina will see it.

They'll respect me. I'll look large.

There you go. Show them you the man.

Yo. Yo. I'm the man.

Tommy.

Yeah?

I'm the man.

You're the man.

Hey. That's why we're partners.

Gimme love?

Ahh. Ahh. Ahh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yo, man, this is the insane martin payne.

Ha! Takin' charge.

See ya when I see ya.

Peace!

Oh, damn fool don't stand a chance.

I wish you lived closer, gina.

I get so worried about you living by yourself.

I'm not alone, mama. I have martin.

Well, where is he?

I was punctual when I dated your mother.

He's coming. How was your lecture?

Oh, your father's speech was the highlight

Of the whole chiropractic conference.

Oh, here he is.

Martin.

Whazzup?

Mama, daddy, this is martin.

Whazzup, man?

How you livin'? How you livin'? How you livin'?

Oh.

Oh.

Hey.

Hello, martin.

Hey.

We've been looking forward to this

For such a long time.

Now, excuse me, but, baby, who is this?

You didn't tell me

You had a younger sister.

Oh!

Oh!

You go, girl.

Oh...

Martin.

Yeah.

We have heard so much about you.

Yes.

They know me in here.

Yo, partner. What up?

Call me, man. Call me.

Whoo! Hungry.

Well, shall we order?

I believe the kitchen's still open.

Cool. I'm hungry.

Would you care to select the wine, martin?

Me?

You do know your wines, don't you?

Give me that menu.

Do I know my wines?

Yo, pierre.

Come, come, now.

Yeah.

Look.

Hook us up with the...

[Mispronouncing french]

Hook it up.

You just ordered "no cigars or pipe smoking, please."

I knew that. I was playing with you.

Let me see what you order.

We'll have the ' rothschild.

Is that all right, martin?

Did you say '?

Yes.

Good. If you say ',

I'd have to crack your head with the bottle.

I am so crazy.

I should be a comedian, huh?

Whoo!

Oh, I need buns.

Mmm.

Do you always smile this much?

Oh, cliff, leave the boy alone.

You're making him nervous.

Stop. I'm not nervous.

I ain't never nervous.

Daddy...

Daddy, martin's a d.j.

[Cough]

He works very, very hard.

I can imagine.

Playing records must be

Exhausting work for an adult.

Martin is on talk radio.

Is that right?

The show is actually a platform

To discuss important issues of the day.

Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.

You go, girl.

That's right, cliffy cliff.

In fact, we had this debate the other day

About quack doctors.

You know, faith healers,

Chiropractors.

[Thud]

Ow! That's my leg.

Anyway, what do these chiropractors do?

I mean, crack, crack!

And you're done.

Let me tell you something.

My grandmother used to crack my back the same way,

Except she used the back of a chair.

And she didn't charge me no $ either.

I am a chiropractor.

Aah!

Martin! Martin!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Get your hands off of my wife!

Martin!

I'm--i'm sorry.

I was--

Ohh!

Aah!

What a disaster, huh?

Yup.

Think they noticed?

Martin, you burned my father.

You f*ndled my mother.

You blinded the waiter.

They noticed.

Everybody in that restaurant noticed.

You mad?

What were you thinking?

Babe, I just wanted to make a good impression.

Why couldn't you just be yourself?

Why must you always go overboard?

I wanted to impress your father so bad, I blew it.

I wanted him to like me

So you wouldn't leave me.

Is that what you thought,

That...i would leave you?

Maybe.

Oh, martin. Baby, come here.

Come here, sweetheart.

Honey, I respect my father,

But it doesn't change the way I feel about you.

I love you.

You do?

Of course I do...

When you're yourself.

Babe...

I love you.

I love you.

I need you.

I need you, too.

I want you.

I knew you'd go there.

But that's all right.

You going with me.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

You my baby?

I'm your baby.

Mmm.

Hey, let me slip into something a little more sexy.

You go, girl!

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Whoo!

Yo, babe.

Just rip that off, girl.

I'm ready now!

Brother going to work it out. Ha ha!

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

[Knock on door]

Oh, who's messing me up?

Gina, it's your father!

Daddy?

What are you doing here, daddy?

You left your keys in the door

In this godforsaken neighborhood.

Where's mama?

Looking for a parking space.

Where's that boyfriend of yours?

Why?

That soup gave me blisters, you know?

You know, you really got the wrong impression.

Martin is so good to me.

He's a joker.

He's a loudmouth, a fool.

The man is a moron.

Look, I'm an adult,

And I don't have to justify him to you.

Is that so?

[Clunk]

Look at me!

Look at me.

I'm in love.

Look! See my happiness!

Gina, what's the matter with you?

Uh-uh-uh.

You can't raise a family on happiness.

How far can the two of you get

On his jokes and pranks?

[Imitating martin] whazzup?

Indeed!

[Rip]

Well, that's my decision.

This is too much.

I need a drink.

No! I'll get it!

I can get myself a drink, for god's sakes!

Dad! But, daddy--

Ooh!

Yo, babe.

Uh, yo.

Look, I ripped my drawers.

You got any panties I could wear?

What...

What are you wearing?

This is all I could find.

Go in the other room.

Gina?

What the hell is going on here?

What's up, doc?

This is the man you're in love with?

Look--look, babe, I'm sorry.

I did it again.

Martin, you have nothing--nothing to apologize for.

That's what we get for barging in on you two.

Don't mind cliff, martin.

Nobody's good enough for gina where he's concerned.

Let's go, dear.

I want what's best for gina.

Is that so wrong?

I want what's best for gina, too.

Look, I love her.

I may be standing in a trash bag,

But I'm not trash.

I'm in love with this woman,

And someday I'm going to give her the world,

Or I'll die trying...

Sir.

Martin...

I think you're a good man,

And you love my daughter.

Most definitely.

And that's all that's important.

Thank you, mama.

Um...ms. W.,

Can I ask you a question?

You're not just saying that

'Cause I was all up on you in the restaurant?

I was just playing.

I was just playing. It was, you know...

Um...dr. Waters,

I'm sorry I insulted your work.

We know that.

Cliff, look, he's standing a little crooked.

Maybe you could help him

With some of your chiropractic skill.

Nadine.

Go on, martin.

No. I'm cool. I'm straight.

Come here, martin.

I don't want to.

Come here, martin.

[Crack]

Oh!

Ohh.

That felt great.

Call me later?

♪ ♪