05x23 - Almost Family

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to take
good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I see, I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I see, I want ♪

♪♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪♪

...and above all,
remember you're a team!

You have to rely
on your training,

and you have to rely
on each other!

- Now...
- Hi, Mr. Powell.

- Oh, just in time, Charles.
- Hi.

I was just giving
my grandchildren their
last minute instructions.

If I'm gonna put them
in jeopardy,

I want them to be aware
of the risks.

And it's even riskier
in Double Jeopardy,

so make sure they phrase
their answers in the form
of questions.

We're not playing games,
Buddy.

Grandpa and Mom are leaving
town for a couple of days.

Yeah, and Grandpa
doesn't trust us.

He thinks we're still babies.

Adam, your mother and I
are going to Washington
to pick up your father.

He wants to come home
and see his children.

I just wanna make sure he has
children when he gets here.

Oh, don't worry, Mr. Powell,
we'll stay in every night
until you get back.

Good, because I'm holding you
personally responsible

for the safety
of my grandchildren,

- and I want you home
no later than six o'clock.
- Yes, sir.

Now, you better get ready
for school!

Look, Charles, I am
perfectly capable of
taking care of the children.

Children?

Jamie, you're only
one year older and
three years shorter than I am.

Aww, look, the females
are fighting for control.

Don't you realize
you also have a male sibling?

No, Adam, we haven't been able
to determine your species,
much less your gender.

Okay, guys, come on,
I know you're not babies.

- I'm gonna treat you
just like adults, okay?
- Thank you, Charles.

But, if you cross me,
I'm gonna spank you

and send you to bed
without dinner.

So, Charles, what do you
wanna do tonight, huh?

Weren't you listenin', boy?

Don't you hear anything?

[telephone rings]

Yeah, I hear bells!

[telephone rings]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mom.

Yup...

Oh, forget it.

Oh, no, it was Buddy.

Huh?

What?

Oh, Aunt Sally?

I-I-I thought she left,
uh, Brooklyn after she
got divorced?

A car wash?

Oh, yeah, sure, Mom.

Okay, b-but I
better leave now,

b-because I-I gotta be back
here by six o'clock, okay?

Alright, alright, goodbye.

Unbelievable, my mom forgot
to mail my Aunt Sally
her birthday present.

Now, I gotta drive
all the way to Brooklyn,

and be back here
by six o'clock.

Charles, I didn't know
your mom had an Aunt Sally.

She doesn't, Buddy.
I have an Aunt Sally.

Oh, then she's not related
to your mom?

Yes, she's my mother's sister!

They look enough alike
to be twins, Buddy.
They were always very close.

Well, if your mom's buying her
a car wash for her birthday,

they must be close!

I just can't figure out
how you're gonna get an
entire car wash in your car.

It's like talking to lava.

♪♪

Thank you.
Have a clean car!

Mr. Stinky!

Stingley.

Stingley...

Sally doesn't expect you
to fold those towels
after you wash 'em.

Why do you do it?

Neatness counts, Penny.

A man can be in the car wash

without being of the car wash.

Hey, Arthur!
I got a situation,

- and it ain't good.
- You heard, huh?

What is it, Sally?
Your lease payment again?

No, it's my
income tax payment.

If I hadn't sent it in,
I'd have enough money
for my lease payment.

This car wash is trying
to k*ll me, Arthur!

Looks like your ex-husband
stuck you with
a white elephant.

Too bad.

If I still owned
this property,

you wouldn't need money.

You'd let me miss
two rent payments in a row?

No, there'd be a

sitting on this property,

and you'd be going
door to door, selling
cubic zirconias.

Oh, I guess you didn't hear.

Hear what, Penny?

This might be the wrong time
to give you bad news.

Why? What could be worse
than being broke?

Well, I'll tell you
what's worse,

building a financial empire,
and then watching it crumble,

all because a few
humorless bureaucrats

couldn't understand
the concept of junk bonds
and insider trading.

Were you really rich,
Mr. Stingley?

Six months ago,
I was a mogul.

Gee, I wish I knew you
back then.

I bet you were
very attractive!

Hey, Penny,
what's the bad news?

Oh! That wealthy looking man
in the corner...

- Yeah?
- ...is gonna sue you.

- For what?
- I'm not sure,

but I think he's gonna sue you
for money.

- [telephone rings]
- Now what?

Hey, Arthur.

I wish you'd stop
ironing these things
after you wash 'em, man.

Drying cars
with unwrinkled towels

offends my sense of disorder.

Oh, I believe you, Spider.

I doubt that you even
iron your underwear.

I don't have to, man.

I stopped wearing underwear
back in '67,

as a protest against the w*r.

Why does he wanna sue me?

He says we broke the antenna
off his car.

No, I didn't.
I don't even own an antenna.

I don't even own a radio.

But you have a job
in a car wash.

- Thanks.
- Now, get to it.

Bobby, Bobby, come here, huh.
Come here!

You see that guy over there?

Who was responsible
for washing his car?

- Uh, Jamal.
- Who's Jamal?

- Tyrone.
- Jamal's Tyrone?

No, Tyrone is Jamal.

I mean, that's what
he wants us to call him
when people are around.

It's his street name.

Jamal is not a street name.

Park Avenue is a street name.

This is all I need!

Do you know how many antennas
I've replaced this month?

Forgive me, Sally,
but I think you mean antennae.

The plural of antenna
is antennae.

It's Latin.

Yo, Bobby!

Oh, come on, man!
How 'bout a little help?

These cars don't wash
themselves, you know!

They don't break
themselves, either.

Hey, Tyrone, my man!

Tyrone.

You speak Latin?

Sure, "Que pasa, Mama!"

Then you'll understand this.

The word antenna, it's Latin.
It means, "You're fired!"

What're you firing me for now?

- For breaking
that guy's antenna.
- Me? No way.

What kinda car does he drive?

Like, it's a new Mercedes,
a capitalist's car.

I'm proud of you for making
a statement, Jamal.

Right on, man.
Up the establishment.

Aw, come on, Spider, leave him
alone will you, please.

Tyrone, go over there.
Tell that guy you'll give him
a new antenna.

- Gotta go.
- Oh, Bobby, please!

- Come on!
- I'm on it. I'm on it.

Come on, Tyrone.

Go on.

Uh, excuse me.

Hi, sir, my name is Jamal,

and I'm a gentle, peace-loving
member of the Black Community.

However, if you don't get
your raggedy self out of here
in about three seconds,

I'm gonna whop you
upside your head so hard

that it'll make
your ancestors bleed.

He's kidding.
His name is not Jamal.

- H-He's not even Black.
- What?

What he meant to say

was, we're sorry
about your antenna,

and if you come back
in 20 minutes

we'll have a new one for you.

Nice shoes. Italian, right?
Alright.

Tyrone!

You can't threaten
the customers like that.

Oh, the man was lyin', Bobby.
I didn't break his antenna.

Of course you didn't.
I did.

But you don't see me
threaten the guy, do ya?

You broke it?

You know, I'm tired
of takin' the blame every time
you trash a man's car.

Why didn't you tell
Sally the truth?

If I told her the truth,
she'd fire me.

- I knew she wouldn't
fire you.
- She did fire me!

Yeah, but she
fires you everyday,
it don't mean nothin'.

She likes you, Tyrone.

Think about it.

Oh, thanks a lot, Bobby.

I mean, how could I
be so beautiful,

and have such ugly friends,
huh?

You know, Arthur,
I'm really steamed.

You know, I'm determined
to show my ex-husband

I can make a profit
in this car wash,

even if I can't.

Why don't you let me
go over your books?

Tell you where you went wrong.

Oh, sure, go ahead.
Be my guest.

Everything's in the
top desk drawer.

But remember,

my goal is to find money,
not launder it.

That's probably
where you went wrong.

- Hey, Aunt Sally, hi!
- Hey, Charles, babe!

Hey, I haven't seen you
in ages!

- What're you doin' here?
- Oh, I just drove up
from New Brunswick.

My mom wanted me to bring you
this birthday present for you.

Oh, is that...
Oh, she's a doll!

Oh, that Lillian.

She's a great sister,
and she's so beautiful!

Oh.

Oh!

This is gorgeous.
Yeah.

A woman can never have
too much cotton.

I guess my mother forgot
to put the gift in
before she wrapped it.

[stammering]
She could mail it to you.

Yeah, hey, listen.

I know Lillian's busy
with the diner.

Believe me, I know how hard
it is to run a business.

Oh, you seem to be
doin' alright.

I guess Uncle Vincent
left you in great shape.

He just left me.
My shape has always
been great.

I'm gonna tell you the truth.

What's lower than garbage?

Uh... scum?

What's lower than scum?

- Slime.
- Good.

What's lower than slime?

- Nothing.
- You're wrong.

Your Uncle Vincent
is lower than slime.

He left me this car wash

because he wanted
to see me fail,

and he's beginning
to get his wish.

Hey, wh-what are you,
a Peeping Tom?

Would you please go on
back to work.

Sorry, guys.
Go ahead.

I-I'm sorry, Aunt Sally.

Is there anything
I can do to help?

Oh, no.
Uh-uh, nah.

Arthur Stingley, he's looking
over my books right now.

Arthur's a financial genius.

- He made a fortune
in the stock market.
- Oh, well, great.

Maybe he can loan you
some money 'til you get
on your feet again.

Arthur?
He don't got a penny, nah.

Y-You just said he made
a fortune in the stock market.

Yeah, but he also lost the
fortune in the stock market.

Yeah, that's why I gave him
a job here at the car wash.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Hey, listen, let's go see
how he's doin', okay, come on.

[playing flute ♪]

Hey, Arthur.

I said you could use this
office to go over my books.

I didn't expect to catch you
playing with your flute.

Examining your books
took me five minutes.

Becoming a proficient flautist
takes years.

Look, I-I should leave.

I gotta be back in
New Brunswick by six o'clock.

No, no, no, no.
I want you to meet
Arthur Stingley.

Hey, Arthur,
this is my nephew, Charles.

How ya doin'?

Better than your aunt.

Charles, why don't you
wait outside, honey.

[door shuts]

- Sally, who did
your taxes this year?
- I did.

I gathered all the information
from Vincent's old tax forms.

Bad move.

Vincent should've been
in a tax shelter.

He should've been
in an animal shelter.

He's paying too much money
to the government.

Okay, then, how come
he's in the Bahamas,
and I'm in the dumper?

I don't know,

but you're gonna have to
cut your overhead.

- How?
- By firing everybody
and closing the car wash.

Wait a second, wait a...

What about my
regular customers?

I mean, they count on me
to wash their cars.

I mean, what am I gonna do
about them?

Pray for rain.

Hey, Charles,
take a load off your feet.

I'll be right with you.

Hey, Penny.

I got a problem.
I gotta talk to everybody.

Sally!

We got a little problem.

No, Bobby,
we got a big problem.

Come on, everybody, sit down.
I got an announcement to make.

You, too, Einstein.

Okay, uh...

Number one.

I want you to know, we can
talk in front of Charles
'cause he's my nephew.

Oh, they know.
I-I met the guys
when I drove in, Aunt Sally.

Th-They offered to give me
a free car wash.

Uh, listen, you guys.
Um, look...

Uh, because of
financial difficulties,

I'm gonna have to
let you all go.

What?

Ohh... wow...

This is like a bad trip, man.

What do you mean, Sally?
I mean, we love this place.

We wouldn't...

We wouldn't leave you for
anything in this world, Sally.

Yeah, Sally, we're with you
to the end.

You can't let us go.

Hey, believe me,
I don't want to.

The thing is,

I can't pay you.

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
You guys, come on.

I expect you t-to finish the
day out, for crying out loud.

Boy, I hate this.

Geez.

You know, I-I...
After I paid my income tax,

I don't have anything left.

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, too, Aunty Sally.

I wish there was something
I could do,

but I-I gotta be back in
New Brunswick by six o'clock.

Uh, you weren't planning
on driving back, were you?

Uh, yeah, why?

Well, you'll never make it,
man!

Not with your
exhaust pipe dragging
on the ground like that.

My exhaust pipe does not drag
on the ground.

You wanna bet?

Tyrone, you're fired!

♪♪

I don't believe this!
How come I'm fired?

I didn't break
your nephew's exhaust pipe.

- Then who did?
- It doesn't matter.

- I-I-I have to be back
in New Brunswick...
- [all] by six o'clock.

That's not funny.
I have people who depend
on me back there.

Look, uh, Charles,
I wish I could drive you back,

but St. Vincent the Vicious,

got my car
in the divorce settlement.

Hey, Arthur, could you drive
Charles back to New Brunswick?

Oh, I'm sorry,
my Rolls is in the shop.

Yeah, in the pawn shop.

Tyrone. Jamal.
Whatever.

When that insider trading thing
blew up,

I had to pay over
two million dollars in fines.

You can only dream
about that kind of success.

Hey, I'd, uh,
give you a ride back,

but it's out of
my ankle range.

Your ankle range?

He means his
electronic signal.

He has to wear it
around his ankle

so his juvenile case officer
can keep track of him.

Hey, I'd drive you home, man,

but the Berkeley police
confiscated my car
back in 1968.

I can't offer you, either.

I, uh, sold my
driver's license last month.

What is this,
the Manson family?

Look, a-all I want is my own
car a-and my own exhaust pipe.

Be cool, man.

Bobby'll fix
your exhaust pipe.

Sure, Bobby's very good
with cars.

Penny, Charles wants his car
repaired, not hot-wired.

Okay, hold it!
That's enough.

Bobby, can you fix
Charles' car in 20 minutes?

- Yeah.
- Great!

Okay, let's go!
Let's get back to work.

Let's make the last day
at the car wash,

the best day we ever had!

That shouldn't be
too difficult.

Hi, Aunt Sally.
I'm here!

Ohh! Hi, ya, Emily!

Oh, my sugar!

Charles, come here.

I want you to meet somebody.

Hey, hi, Emily.

I-I guess I'm your cousin,
Charles.

Ah, guess again.
You're not even related.

She just calls me Aunt Sally.

She comes here everyday
after nursery school,
and we all take care of her

until her mother
finishes work.

Emily, you wanna
call me Uncle Charles?

No.

Okay.

Listen, Aunty Sally,
I-I'm really sorry that you
have to close your car wash.

You're sorry?
You should see me.

No, I-I just wish
I could help you.

Thanks anyway.
Now...

The next big problem we have
is getting you out of here

before we have to
get out of here.

Yeah, do you really think
Bobby can fix my exhaust pipe
in 20 minute?

It's possible.

I went to a carnival once.
I saw a two-headed snake.

That's what I like about life.

Anything is possible.

I better call home
and tell 'em I might be late.

- You could use the phone
in my office.
- Thanks.

Hi, Emily.

Hi, Spiderman!

Yo, Tyrone!
What it is?

What's up, baby?

Alright, my main squeeze!

I got a present for you here.

Thanks, Tyrone.

I got something for you,
too, Emily.

Here.
Peace, man.

- Thanks, Spider.
- You stay there.

Don't talk to no strangers,
ya hear?

Okay.

Uh, Spider, take your bad self
back to work.

Sally, if Bobby's gonna be
repairing your nephew's car,

we need somebody
to take his place.

Tyrone, I'm about to go
out of business.

I'm just trying to get
through the day.

Besides, I thought you were
installing that antenna
on the Mercedes.

It's done.

Oh, okay, okay.
I-I'll look.

I'll try to get you some help,
okay?

Okay, alright.

Hey, Arthur.

I want you to go outside,
and dry cars.

Outside?

Where people can see me?

It's impossible, Sally.

I have an image to maintain.

Y-You're talking to a man
who was investigated

by three
congressional committees,

and indicted by a grand jury.

I have been
to the mountaintop!

You cannot ask me
to descend into the outhouse.

I'm sorry.

Hey, Arthur.
H-Hey where you going?

Elsewhere.

♪♪

It's no use, Aunt Sally.
I called everybody I know,
and I can't reach anybody.

If I'm not out of here
in about two minutes,

I'm gonna be in a lot
of trouble.

Sally.

We had a meeting.

You had a meeting?
You're supposed to be fixing
my exhaust pipe.

I did.

You fixed my exhaust pipe
in 20 minutes?

It's as good as new.

Really?
Thanks, Bobby.

Thanks.
A-Aunt Sally I gotta go.

- Okay, bye.
- I'll call you
when I get home, okay?

Bye, everybody!
Nice meeting you guys!

Okay, you guys, what do you
mean you had a meeting?

We know how much
this car wash means to you,

so we talked it over
and decided we're gonna stay.

- Yeah, but I can't pay you.
- You don't have to pay us.

Yeah, like...

We'll pay you.

What he means is,
we'll give you our tips
to help you pay the rent.

Yeah.

What, are you tryin' to make
me cry, you guys, come on.

No.

We just don't wanna
break up the family.

Sally.

I just came from the
Internal Revenue office.

You should never have used
your ex-husband's returns
to calculate your income tax.

He was keeping
two sets of books,

one for you
and one for the IRS.

You mean, uh,

he was keeping money
from the government?

No, he was keeping money
from you.

Vincent was cheating on me?
That's adultery!

Not quite.

When you commit adultery,
you go to hell.

When you hide money
from your ex-wife,
you go to the Bahamas.

You paid way too much
in taxes.

You're gonna be getting
a sizable refund.

Well...

Wait a minute.
[chuckles]

You mean that, uh,

I-I don't have to get rid
of the car wash after all?

Apparently not.

- Alright!
- Yay, Arthur,
that's wonderful!

I know, I know.

Well, these derelicts
need a place to work,

and so do I.

Hey, uh...

Um, you guys, uh...

You're...

You're really, really good
guys, and I wanna thank you,

for stickin' with me a-and for
fixin' my nephew's, uh,

exhaust pipe,
okay, you're wonderful,

a-and I promise you something,

I'm never gonna fire
any of you again, okay?

Aw, come on, Sally,
we're in this together.

Mmkay.

Alright, boys,
back to work!

Hey, Arthur.

Thank you.

Excuse me,

but that wealthy man
with the Mercedes says
he's gonna sue you.

For what? We just gave him
a new antenna.

Yeah, but now he says
his exhaust pipe is missing.

Tyrone!
You're fired!

♪♪

Hello, I'm home!

Sarah! Adam! Jamie!

Oh, come on,
I'm five minutes late.
They can't be gone already.

Oh, Charles, it's you!

Oh, good,
w-where are the kids?

Oh, relax, they're here.
I thought you might be late,

so I came over
to take care of them.

Thanks, Buddy.
You're a real friend.
Thank you.

Oh, sure, you might as well
take the rest
of the night off.

We got a wild game going on
in the kitchen there.

The kids really learn fast.
I'm losing my shirt.

You're teaching them
to play poker?

Of course not!

What, do you think
I'm an idiot?

No, just the way
you worded it,

sounded like you were teaching
them how to play poker.

Not in a million years.

Hey, Buddy,
you better get back in here
while the dice are hot!

I'm on my way!
See ya!

Buddy, you're fired!

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I sing ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪