05x13 - Brain Man

[bunniefuu]

[♪

[♪ theme

[♪ theme music]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪♪

- What a great game, Charles!

Do you realize that was our

- Yeah, we beat those
cheerleaders one more time,

we're gonna have to start
playing the guys.

- Hey, and we can beat
those guys, too.

You and I make
a really great team.

You know who the two of us
remind me of?
- Who?

- The Three Musketeers.

One for both,
and both for one.

- Hi, Buddy.
Hi, Charles.
I have big news.

I am running for President
of the Student Council.

- Whoa, that's great, Jamie,

but won't that put a big dent
in your mall time?

- Yes, but I'm willing
to pay that price.

- Oh, bad mistake, Jamie.

I hate politics.
Hate 'em!

They really leave a bad taste
in my mouth.

- How can you hate politics?

You're a Political Science
major.

- I am?

That's right, I am!
I love politics.

It's asparagus that leaves
a bad taste in my mouth.

- Buddy, go for a pass.
Go for a long one.

- Charles, I'm open!
- Go longer!

- No, I'm open!
- Go longer!

- Charles, why is
Lembeck leaving?
What did I do?

- Nothing, Mr. Powell.
Don't worry about it.

- [laughs]
I'm not worried, Charles.
I just want to know,

so I can keep on doing it.

Guess what, Grampa?
I'm running for President
of the Student Council.

- Well, that's wonderful, Jamie.
I'm very proud of you.

Now, just don't let it
interfere with your school work.

- Jamie, what about that
Civics paper you were
so worried about?

- Oh, you know, funny
you should mention that.

My Civics teacher said that
running in an election

would take the place
of writing a term paper.

- Ah, now it makes sense.

Now, I bet that
if you ran for Congress,

you can get out of doing
all your homework.

- That's not why I'm running.
I wanna make a difference.

See, students are bored
by school, Charles.

All of the past Presidents have
put too much emphasis
on scholastics.

- Yeah, I know
what you mean, Jamie,

I mean the last thing
we need in school
is scholastics.

- Right, and I have a plan
to make school fun.

And I think I have
a good chance of winning.

- Yeah, who's running
against you?

- Nobody.

- Charles,
we're facing a crisis

more frightening than
air pollution,
the Greenhouse Effect,

and toxic waste put together!

- Well, thanks for
the warning, Sarah.

I'll try to remember
to wear a helmet.

- That won't help.

Jamie's running for President
of the Student Council.

She'll ruin our entire
educational system.

She's calling
her political party

the "Party" Party.

- Well, does the "Party" Party
have a party platform?

- Yes, but the principle plank

in the "Party" Party's
party platform
is the party plank.

- Sarah, the "Party" Party
can't possibly participate

in the political process with
such a paltry party platform.

Perhaps the party plank
is a political prank.

- It's not a prank, Charles.
Jamie's dead serious.

You should hear
her political promises.

She thinks it's too quiet
in the study hall,

so she wants to have
MTV piped in.

- Sounds like to me,
you got, uh...

You got one of two choices.
You could either...

... run against Jamie, or...

Run-D.M.C.

- You're right, Charles!

It's time to stop
running from responsibility

and start running
for President.

[phone rings]

- Hello?

Buddy, where are you?

No, no,
I haven't thrown the ball yet.
Go longer!

♪♪

Lollipop must have been
stuck there for months.

- Charles, guess what?
- What?

- I've only been a candidate
for two hours

and I already have the support
of the Poetry Club,

The Chess Club, the Math Club,
and the Book Club.

- Whoa, that's great, Sarah.
How many votes are those clubs
giving you?

- Nine.

- Four clubs are giving you
nine votes?

- Yeah, well,
those particular clubs have
a heavy cross-membership.

- Oh.
- But this is only
the beginning!

I'm handing out
these clever campaign flyers.

They'll really bring
in the votes.

- "Vote for Sarah Powell."

That's good, Sarah.

Short, yet brief.

- Thanks.

I don't feel
it's necessary to use

meaningless slogans
to trick the voters.

I plan to beat Jamie
on the issues.

- Hey, a politician
winning on the issues?

I don't know, Sarah.

That sounds
a little unorthodox to me.

- Oh, hi, Charles.
- Hello.

- Sarah, I really need
to talk to you.

Are you sure you really want
to run against me
in this election?

- Sure, why not?

- It's just that I have
a lot of support.

I mean, today I got
the endorsement
of an entire club.

- Oh yeah, what club
did you get?

- The Shopping Club.

They promised me 300 votes

and a really cool sweater.

- 300 votes?

- Now, Sarah,
don't get discouraged.

You know shoppers.

Today, they'll buy Jamie.
Tomorrow, they'll want
to exchange her.

You have a very good chance
of winning.

- Are you sure
about that, Charles?

- Yeah, I think you both
have a pretty good shot.

- Yeah, but only
one of us will win.

- Just think it over, Sarah.
I'd hate to see you get hurt.

- Okay, uh, thanks, Jamie.

- Hey, it's me, Buddy!
- Hey, Buddy, what's up?

- I can't talk to you, Charles.
I came by to give Jamie

the benefit
of my vast political knowledge.

- Oh gee, Buddy,
I would really love your advice,

but I'm not wearing
my decoder ring.

- But you're forgetting
one important fact, Jamie.

As Charles pointed out to me,

I am a Political Science major.

And one thing
that I've learned is,

behind
every successful politician
is a great campaign manager.

- Yes, that's why he's known
as a politician's behind.

- Hmm, a campaign manager.

You know,
that's not a bad idea.

Who could I get?

- You?
No, Buddy,

you're forgetting
one very important fact.

Jamie wants to win.

- What a coincidence.
I sort of had the same thing
in mind.

- Thanks, Buddy, but I need
a campaign manager

who thinks the way I do.

Someone who knows
the value of fun.

Someone who knows
there's more to school
than just learning.

Someone who doesn't
take life too seriously.

Someone like...

Buddy, I want you to be
my campaign manager.

- Me?

Gee, I don't know, Jamie.

Okay, I'll do it.
You're making the right move.

I may play the buffoon,
but I'm sure you'll find

when the chips are down,
I'm an intelligent,
mature adult.

- Oh, by the way, Buddy,
I finally found your lollipop.

- You did?
Oh, goodie!

- Oh, Buddy, hi.
- Oh, hi, Sarah.

Listen, I hope there's
no hard feelings

about my being Jamie's
campaign manager.

I'm just doing it
to help Jamie,
not to hurt you.

- I understand.

- Hey, Sarah, how's it going?

- Not well, Charles.
Jamie was right.

I don't know why I ever let you
talk me into running
in this election.

I just know
I'm going to lose.

I'm going to lose,
and I'm going to be
completely humiliated!

[sobs]

- Come on now,
hold it right there, Sarah.

Come one, listen to me.

I'm going to tell you
a story, okay?

- [sighs]
- Now, on election eve,

in 1948,

Thomas Dewey was supposed
to win by a landslide.

The next day, they were calling
Harry Truman "Mr. President."

- Yeah, but Harry Truman
wasn't running against Jamie.

- Sarah, forget who
you're running against,

remember
what you're running for.

Truman won by going out
and reaching the voters.

- Yeah, but I don't know how
to reach the voters.

I just don't have what it takes
to run a campaign.

- Well then,
find someone who does.

- You're right, Charles!

I know who
that someone is!
You!

You're a perfect
campaign manager!

You know how to get
people's attention.

You're always saying
clever things.

- No, Sarah,
you're building me up
way too much.

I only said
two clever things yesterday,

and one of them was a quote.

- Most of all, I know
I can depend on you.

I can depend on you,
can't I?

- Of course you can depend
on me, Sarah, but--
- Oh I can?

Thanks, Charles!

Jamie, guess what!

Charles just agreed to be
my campaign manager.

I now have a real chance
of winning!

- Charles,
why are you so determined
to break Sarah's heart?

She's gonna lose.
The polls just came in,

and I'm 95 points ahead of her.

- 95 points?

Oh.
Well...

Jamie,
don't get too c*ck.

Remember what happened
to Dewey.

- The duck?

- Yes.
Dewey the Duck.

Look, Jamie, you may be
ahead right now,

but come Election Day,
things could change.

- Yeah, right.
Sarah could gain
another five points,

and then you'd only be
responsible for breaking

- She wouldn't talk that way
to Tony Danza.

♪♪

- [Charles]
Did you hear the latest?

Sarah gained 15 points
in the polls.

Looks like it's going to be
a close race after all, eh?

May the best man win.

- Please, Charles,
don't think of me
as the "best man,"

think of me as
the best campaign manager.

- You,
the best campaign manager?

You couldn't have gotten
Robinson Crusoe

elected President of the island.

- Oh yeah,
well I've got news for you.

Robinson Crusoe wasn't even
on the island.

There was Gilligan...

The Skipper, the Movie Star,
the Professor...

- Oh, yeah, you know, I always
get Robinson Crusoe confused
with the Professor.

It's my mistake.
- Oh, please.

Don't apologize, Charles.

I know you have a lot
on your mind.

What, with your candidate
running so far behind
my candidate.

- Buddy, the only reason
that Jamie is ahead
in the polls

is because she's giving
the students what they think
they want.

Now, if they were to debate
the real issues,

Jamie wouldn't even get
her own vote.

- Huh, Charles, you poor,
misguided fool boy.

Jamie could beat Sarah
in a debate

with one lip tied
behind her mouth.

- Really?
Well, then, why doesn't she?

- She'd be happy to.
- Oh!

Not as happy as Sarah.

- Hey, if your candidate wants
to debate my candidate,

so be it.

- Well, if you mean that, fine.

Shake my hand,
you got yourself a debate.

I guess the brain transplant
didn't work.

His head must have rejected
the Silly Putty.

♪♪

[Charles]
Listen, I'm working
on this debate,

and the way I got it
figured is,

you already have
the intellectual vote
tied up, okay?

So what we have to do

is work on getting
the "fun" vote.

- But Jamie already has
the "fun" vote.

- I know that!
We'll just try to take it
away from her, okay?

Let's go work out our strategy
somewhere else.

- But Sarah's better
with the issues than I am.

How am I gonna win
this debate?

We got a lot of work
do do, Adam.
Beat it.

- Hey, why do I
have to beat it?

Charles and Sarah let me
listen while they planned
their strategy.

I heard every word.

Now I would think that
that would be worth a lot

to anyone running against her.

- How much do you want?
- Fifty bucks.

- I don't have fifty bucks.
- Then forget it.

I'm sure Sarah will make
an excellent President.

- No, wait!
I must have something
worth fifty dollars.

Okay, how about my Mickey Mantle
autographed baseball?

- Are you kidding?

- Well...

Having a little get-together,
are we?

- [all]
No.

Adam, the punishment
for espionage

is ten years
in the electric chair.

- Charles, I am offended.

Do you actually think
I'd divulge Sarah's strategy?

- Only for money.

- They don't have
any money.

- All right, you little stain.

Tell us Sarah's strategy.

- Simple.
They know they have the
intellectual vote in the bag.

So they're going after
the fun vote.

- Oh, no!
- No, wait, don't panic!

They're going after
the fun vote,

we'll go after
the intellectual vote,
that's no problem!

All I have to do
is figure out

what I'd want
if I were intelligent.

This may take
a little time.

- Grandpa, why do we have to
listen to a boring debate?

- Because Adam,
it's your opportunity

to see politicians at work.

- Couldn't we just visit
a federal prison?

- Attention!
Attention, please.

I'd like to welcome you
to this debate

between Sarah Powell...

[cheers and applause]

... and Jamie Powell.

[louder cheers and applause]

Two wonderful girls
who would both win

if life weren't so unfair.

Now, each candidate
will have one minute

to answer the question,

and one minute
for rebuttal.

Now, the first question.

Sarah, darling,

What steps would you take

to improve education
at Central High School?

- All right, knock 'em dead.

- First of all,
I feel school
should be more fun.

We could increase our vocabulary
by playing Scrabble.

We could learn history
and geography

by playing Trivial Pursuit.

- Hey, that's a good idea.

- That's a terrible idea.

- If Mr. Lembeck
disagrees with his candidate,

perhaps he'd like
to campaign for mine.

- I object!

- You can't object.
This isn't a trial.

- I'll be the judge of that!

- Gentlemen, gentlemen,
we can't have these outbursts.

Remember, this is a diner.

- Oh, sorry Mom.

- Now, I will ask
the same question
to Jamie Powell.

Yes, now...

How would you change
the educational system?

- Well, first, I'd improve
learning conditions

by utilizing student time
outside of class.

For instance,
in the cafeteria,

I'd put famous literary quotes
on lunch napkins.

- That's a great idea.

- Hey, don't forget
my idea, Jamie.

Spell Lincoln's
Gettysburg Address

in your alphabet soup

and win a free dessert!

- This coming from a man
who told me

he knows Lincoln's
Gettysburg Address,

but can't remember the zip code.

- You're just jealous
because you didn't think
of it first.

- All right, Buddy,

I'm starting to get a little hot
under the collar now.

- Oh, really?
Then let me cool you off.

[spits]

- Let me cool you off.

- [coughs]

- Well, Buddy, you obviously
made this sign yourself...

Because you forgot
to dot your "I."

- Well, Charles...

Let me dot your eye.

- Charles, and Lembeck--

- Oops.

- Lembeck...

You're in deep trouble.

- Mr. Powell, you wouldn't
stoop to my level, would you?

- Go ahead, Mr. Powell, stoop!
- Ha, ha .

Eat red, Lembeck!

- Buddy, look what you did
to my mother!

- [screams]

♪♪

- Food debate!

- No, stop!
Stop it!

- Come on now, baby,
burn it in there--

- [Walter]
Lembeck!

Lembeck!
Charles!

Lembeck!
Charles!

- I feel like
a human salad bar.

- We never even got a chance
to debate the real issues.

- All right, Buddy,
come on, admit it.

The only reason
you sabotaged that debate

was because you knew
Jamie had no chance of winning.

- Hey, you were the one
who started it.

- Haven't you two
had enough for one day?

- Yeah, you turned the debate
into a complete disaster.

- He certainly did, Jamie.

Charles, I demand that you
apologize to my candidate.

- Okay.
Jamie, I'm sorry

that you have a pinhead
for a manager.

- I want that in writing.

- What for, you only have to get
somebody to read it to you.

- Stop it!
You were both wrong.

This is so strange to see
you two fighting like this.

You've always gotten along
so well.

- I think it's strange
they ever got along at all.

- Well, that's not
strange, Jamie.

The reason Charles and I
have always gotten along

is because we have
so much in common.

- How can you say that?
We have nothing in common.

I live in a temperate zone,
you live in the Twilight Zone.

I have deep thoughts.
You have webbed feet.

I read books.
You color them.

- That's what I mean,
see all the differences
we have in common?

- Yes, and it was
your differences

that made you two
such a good team.

You always seemed to...

... balance each other.

- Well, Sarah, I mean,
we're as different
as Buddy and Charles.

Couldn't we balance
each other?

- Oh, we could be
a balanced ticket!

- Yeah, why not?
- Hey, you see now,
that's a good idea, all right?

Now Jamie,

you could be President
because you're older
and shorter.

And Sarah,
you could be the Vice President,
because you're...

... younger and taller,
all right?
- Okay.

- And I can get out
of politics.

- Yeah, and I could be
your campaign manager.

- [sighs]
Thanks Buddy,
but we don't need a manager.

There's no one
running against us.

- Right.
Come on, Sarah,

let's go write
our victory speech.
- Okay.

- You know, Jamie was right.

We really did make
a pretty good team,

you know, back
in the good old days.

- Yeah,
I guess we did.

- Suppose we could
do it again?

- Uh, I suppose
if Jamie and Sarah could do it,

you know, we could.

- You wanna try?

- Why not?

- [Adam]
Buddy.

I just looked
in my collector's catalogue.

Your autographed Mickey Mantle
baseball is worthless.

This isn't Mickey Mantle's
signature!

- Of course that's not
Mickey Mantle's signature.

He wasn't there when
I bought the ball,

so I signed it for him.

- You signed the ball
yourself, Buddy?
- Of course!

I wouldn't give Adam
an unsigned Mickey Mantle
autographed baseball.

- "Mikey Mantle."

Buddy, go out for a long one.

- Charles, I'm open!
- Go longer!

- I'm open!
- Go!

[thud]
- Ow!

♪♪

I can talk to you
while you're studying.

It won't distract me.

- Buddy,
I have a better idea.

Why don't we go
in the front lawn
and throw some passes around?

- Oh, no, you're not going
to get me to go out

for a long pass
and then not throw the ball.

I'll never fall
for that trick again.

- I guess you're right.
You're too smart
for that, Buddy.

It was a good trick though,
wasn't it?
- Yeah.

- Hey, you want to do
something funny?
- Yeah.

- Pull that on Mr. Powell.
- Yeah, good idea!

Hey, Walty!
Front and center!

- No, Buddy, I was kidding!

- "Walty?"
This better be good, Lembeck!

- It is, Mr. Powell.
It's really good.

Go out for a long one.

- Go where for a long what?

- No, he doesn't
understand, Buddy.
Let's show him.

Go long.
- All right.

Charles, I'm open!
- Go longer!

- I'm open!

[♪ theme music]

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪

[fanfare]