02x05 - White Van

[bunniefuu]

Oh, come on, it's not a big deal.
Half of my class have got one.

You're not getting a fake ID,
Georgie. You're not old enough.

Yeah, that's the point.

It's not about drinking
or going out or anything...

Oh, no, I'm sure you're just
desperate to do jury service.

It's just some gigs and festivals

and venues that...
It's a no, Georgie.

Sweetheart, just be thankful
you inherited a youthful appearance

from my side of the family.

Both your dad's sisters

have foreheads you could
strike a match on.

That should be our house.

Life is so unfair.

Is that a lot of money for a house?

It is around here, Manus.

Why's the writing so small?

It's not. Are your eyes OK?

Yes, thank you.

It's their font that's the issue.

My eyesight is actually perfect.

Ugh, come on,
we're going to be late.

Oi! What are you doing
with my daughter?!

Oh! I'm so sorry, so sorry!

Mum! I didn't... So embarrassing.

Sorry!
Second-hand embarrassment, Mum!

You just walked away!
You're so embarrassing, Mum.

How do you not know
your own daughter?

Oh, my God!

Come on, boys. Half-time.

Let's get a drink.

Sorry, Amanda, what was it again?

Flat white, whole milk.

Great. Honestly,
head like a sieve.

Flat white hole,
flat white hole, flat white hole...

Don't get too settled,
we're going to grab a team photo

if we get a minute.

What?
Someone needs some glasses there!

No, actually, Mal.

For your information,
I have a biological age of 33.

Really? Yeah. Not my words,
those of Marie Claire's website.

Oh, yeah! And my last eye test
showed 20-20 vision, so...

Yeah, but when was that?

Cos your eyes fall off a cliff
in your late forties, you know.

That's nonsense.
It's just a kind of...

..misty haze.

It's rather lovely.

It's like watching a 1950s film.

Great news!
I've just got another booking!

Hey! Oh, Fi!

This one's a spaniel called Daniel.

I already walk a Pug called Doug

and a bull mastiff whose
ba*ls are massive,

which is almost the same thing,

so it's like a proper
business now, guys.

I mean, it's got a logo and a name.

I'm Utterly Barking.

Indeed you are.

I've even found meself a little van.

Nice! What kind?

Don't know. White one. Four wheels.

Don't know much about cars.

I saw it on Facebook and they
said I could see it today, so...

I could give it a look,
if you want. Really?

Oh, yeah, Mal loves
a bit of vansplaining.

Because he's always...

Yes. No, we got it. Yeah... Perfect.

Right, I've got a latte for Amanda.

No, Anne. Flat white whole.

Flat white whole!

And with that, a nickname was born.

Very sorry.

I'm all at sixes and sevens today.

It's fine, I'll drink it
to be sustainable.

Oh, talking of drinking, Georgie
was just asking about fake ID,

so something else
to keep an eye out on.

Great. Now I feel old.

Well, no, Fi, because
it shows they're young,

too young to drink,

which means we're
parents of young children.

We're young parents.

Oh, right, so do we need ID?

Well, I don't see Darius having
a need for that any time soon.

He's still all about Roblox... Aww.
..and chocolate milk.

I mean, look at that little cherub.

Yeah, exactly.

Such a sweet, sweet little boy.

There you go.

Let's go!

Can I give you a lift, darling?

Hate to think of you going by bus.

I don't go by bus. I walk.

Aww, poor thing.

A lift would lovely. Thank you.

Oh, erm...

Do you think you could
drop me at the opticians?

Hmm... Men don't make passes
at girls who wear glasses.

Mummy!

Hold on, I haven't
got my seat belt on!

Where'd I park the bloody thing?

So, Elspeth's house is
officially on the market.

Dead cat lady?

Yes, I'm sure that's how she'd...

Jesus!

Mummy, that was so close!

No, plenty of room.

Erm...

Yeah, er, it's not exactly cheap,
but, actually,

given the floor space...

Car! Relax, I saw it.

Yeah...

So, yeah, I'm just, er...

..wondering if there's
a way for me to...

..secure the investment...

Are you angling for a loan?

No, not at all.

Mummy, nothing like that.

I wasn't planning to pay it back.

Well, that sounds really tempting!
I meant more...

Oh, my God!

Erm...

There's the possibility
of you gifting me

some of my inheritance
early, you know?

Erm...

Ahead of your, er...

Death? Well...

Oh, sorry, darling. All my money's
tied up in the house.

Oh. Looks like you're going
to have to wait for me to croak.

Christ!

How have you made it this long?

Mummy, can you just pull over?
I'm going to walk from here.

Fine. Your funeral.

That's exactly what
I'm trying to avoid.

There you are.

Thanks, Mummy.

Absolute maniac.

Jeez, this is wrecked.

Yeah, don't buy it.

I like it.

Are you serious?

Yeah. It reminds me of the one
that me dad used to drive.

His had a little rust
patch just like that.

Yeah, most buyers don't normally
go for those, as a rule.

Hmm. He used to take me out
on his rounds with him.

He was a delivery driver.

He used to let me
take off the handbrake,

put the hazards on
when he was making a drop.

Lot of happy memories in that van.

Listen, I get the nostalgia,
I really do,

but trust me, you do not,
under any circumstances,

want to buy a van in
this sort of condition.





Right, all done.

So, the test shows
you're a 1 in both eyes.

Oh, that's great.

Such a relief. Thank you so much.

No, that means you need glasses.

But you said "plus".

"Plus" means good things
like A or Platinum or...

Well, everything.

Except plus size.

Actually, no, even that now.

It's just how we express
degrees of long-sightedness.

I'm long-sighted?

It's a perfectly normal result,

especially as you're
heading towards 50.

I'm not heading towards 50!

Oh! I had your date
of birth down as 197...

Yes, I know what I put.

I wouldn't call that
"heading towards 50."

That's like turning onto
the M4 at Chiswick and saying

you're heading towards...

Well, I'm not sure
where the M4 ends up,

but it's probably a very long way
away and not worth worrying about.

I think it's Swansea.

Exactly. There you are, then.

Maybe take the prescription
and just have a think.

OK.

Where are the glasses?

Mum, could you do us a favour?

Oh, yes, of course.

I was just standing here
ironing while making a lasagne,

thinking, "What else could I do?"

Cool.

Could you get me an ID?

Oh, my God...

My little boy?
Where's my little boy gone?

What's the hurry to grow up?

What do you need
a fake ID for anyway?

Is it for drink?

Are you a drinker now?

Or is it drugs?

Are you hooked on drugs?! Mum!

I don't think a drug dealer
would ever ask me for my ID.

Anyway, I don't want a fake one.

One of them Government ones
to prove I'm still 16. Why?

I keep getting charged
full price at the water slides.

They say I look 18. That's all.

That's such a relief.

You are, you're such a good boy.
I'm sorry.

God, you gave me
a right scare there.

Why would you do that?
Why would you worry me like that?

Are you trying to give me
a heart attack?! What the hell?!

Mum! Sorry, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm just feeling
a little bit emotional today.

I... I didn't sleep
very well last night. Erm...

Yes, that's absolutely no problem.

I will send off
for the ID in the morning.

That's absolutely no problem.
OK. Thank you.

Mum, why are you
ironing the pasta?

Where did... Oh, no...

Oh, no...

Morning.

Hi. Ah...

Oh, they suit you.

Yes, you would say that.
They're �300.

Oh! OK, er...

Drrrr... Erm....

Yeah, OK, cool.

Try those. Similar style,
just without the flex hinges.

OK. �90.

OK. Yeah?

There you go. OK, thank you.

Oh, wow!

OK, maybe they all look good on you.

Yes, very good. I'm sure
you're the king of commission.

Oh, no, I'm not on commission.

OK, well...

OK, I will take those. Yeah?
Thank you.

Lens fitting takes about five days,

so they should be ready
by the end of the week.

Oh, OK. Well...

What do I do till then?

Oh, erm... Some ready readers
might tide you over.

Ah! Yeah, not the height of fashion,
but if anyone can pull them off...

Oh, er... Can I get your number?

Erm...

That's very... And we'll
call you when they're in.

Ri... Yes, of course.
Yeah? Yeah. OK.

Yeah. Erm, it's 07...

Yeah, it's just like me dad's van.

You're going to love it, Dells!

There's a steering wheel,
and a couple of these sun things,

and a few of these...

Yep, yeah, I've seen a van before.

Look, as long as Mal is happy, then
I'm happy. Well, actually, Dells,

I was... Oh, you're breaking up,
actually, Della!

Right, let's get
the pedal to the metal!

You mean rust.

Ooh, yeeees!

..Newcastle United over
the last few seasons...

Hmm... ..in the Premier League,
there have been...

Tuner's screwed. Seems to be
stuck on some sports station.

Oh, I suppose I should name her.

Me dad's was called Samantha.

Maybe I'll call her Mandy,
after Amanda,

cos she's sort of, like,
looking down on everyone.

All right, well, there's a bit of
a knack to getting these in reverse.

You need to lift the collar, push...

Oh-h*-h*!

Are you sure you've
never driven one of these?

Yeah. Maybe it's in the genes.

All right, let's go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fi, what's that?

Me?! He came out of nowhere!

I was indicating!

Yeah, I know,
but we're in a white van.

Us white van drivers have got a
bad enough rep as it is, all right?

Go easy on the horn, huh?

All right, Mal.

Mummy! Darling!

Fancy seeing you here.

Well, I live here.

And don't you look a picture.

In this? You look
lovely in that colour.

What is happening here?

What do you mean?
Why are you being...nice?

Can't a mother pay her
daughter a compliment?

Yes, but, historically...
Look, actually,

I was thinking about your idea
about that house down the road,

and I think you might
be onto something.

Mummy, are you serious?

Well, it wouldn't hurt
to take a little look around,

and so I've booked us a viewing at


Yes! Amazing!

Oh, Mummy, what happened there?

Oh, just little light brush
against a "keep left" suggestion.

Do you mean "sign"?

No, the blue ones
are just suggestions.

Bye, darling.

So with GCSEs imminent,

we just want to take you
through a bit of exam prep,

which we like to call
the three Ps of revision -

plan, prepare and, erm...

I should've made some notes...

Erm... So, let's make
a start with planning. Plan.

It's so, so important

they have a timetable.

Er... If they haven't had time
to put a timetable together,

and sometimes they will
claim they don't...

Oh, those are interesting.

Thank you, Mal. Where'd you get 'em?
New place on the high street or...

..1996?

They're temporary until
my designer frames are ready.

And the handsome
late-20s guy in the shop

seemed to like me
in glasses very much.

Ooh! Obviously, cos he'll
be on commission...

Not on commission, actually, Mal.

Just liked what he saw.

A lot.

Oh, my God!

It's him!

Should he be texting me,
like, directly?

Absolutely not.
He's a serial k*ller.

What's he say? OK...

"Hi, Amanda.

"Finley from Optitrue here.

"Your glasses will be
ready to collect tomorrow.

"I look forward to
seeing you again."

Ohh... OK!

He, like, totally wants you...

..to go and collect your glasses.

Yeah, cos if that's
his A-game, then he's no...

Oh, Jesus, what's his name?

Oh, God, your man.

Your man with all the women.

James Bond? Tiger Woods.

No, no, he's a lover.

Er... His name is the word
for someone who, erm...

Honestly, I don't know what's wrong

with me at the moment.

My memory's terrible,
I can't concentrate on anything,

I've not been sleeping great,
which doesn't help either,

and then my emotions are just all...

Oh, Anne, do you think
it's like, you know...

..menopause?

Don't be ridiculous, Abigail.

We're years from all that.

My sister's started at 42.

And I heard that, like,
one in ten women get it early.

No... Yeah. Can't be the menopause.

Like Amanda said...

One in ten, Anne.

And, to be fair,
you've always aged quite quickly.

Yeah... It all fits,
now I think about it.

I mean, menopause definitely
affects recall, I heard...

..from my friend
Marcie Jane Cameron...

..in July, at the ballet, seat D4.

Yeah. No, my sister had it all -
brain fog, tears, memory, the works.

Oh, Anne... What did she do?

HRT. But it changed her life,
so it's worth looking into.

Yeah. Do you want
to write that down, Anne?

Yeah. Yeah, thank you.

Were there any questions?

Casanova! Oh, my God.

Sorry.

Yes.

Come on now, enough!

What happens in the park
stays at the park.

It all boils
down to the coaching, and until you

know how to accept that, we ain't
never going to see any improvement.

Do you know what I mean? They're
getting paid a fortune! Fortune!

All right, mate.
I'm sick of it, Adam.

Calm down. Week in, week out, these
guys get paid million of pounds...

I mean, if anything,
the issue's in the boardroom.

Look, Fi, I hear what you're saying,

but I don't think we can actually
lay the woes of an entire season

at the manager's door.

Yeah, but he's taken the money!

I'm sorry, but if you're happy
to take the pay cheque

and the silverware,

you have got to hold your hands up
to some sort of negligence.

OK, we can't say he's negligent.

I can say what I like, Alan.
Free speech.

It's free speech!

Yeah, OK, thanks, Fi from Harlesden
there, with your free speech.

Anyway, keep your
football calls coming in.

Well, I'll, er,
give you a few moments.

Mm-mm.

Ooh, such a lovely place.

Yeah.

Bags of potential.

Bags.

Well, I think we should
have a catch-up tomorrow

and have a little chat about
what might be arranged.

Mummy...

Oh, oh! Yes. Almost forgot. Yes.

There is a little thing
you could do for me.

Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah.

You might get
a letter from the police

about a marginal speeding offence.

If you could just tick
the little box that says that you

were behind the wheel, that would
be a real weight off my mind.

What?

I was just saying, you might
get a letter from the police...

Yes, I heard what you said.

It's the tiniest thing.

It's just that, you see,
my licence is pretty much full up...

Ah. ..points-wise, and you
haven't got any... Right.

..so if you could just
tick that little box,

I think that would be
easiest for everyone.

But you were driving.

Yes, but it's only
paperwork, really.

Well, no, it's me
lying to the police

and getting two points
on my licence.

I think you'll find
it's three, darling.

Or you could go on one of those
courses, as it's your first offence.

I haven't committed an offence.

That's the spirit!

I mean what is 10mph?

They say that 40 is the new 30...

..but I guess they just forgot
to tell the speed cameras.

Yes, right, Mummy, the cameras. Yep.

They will have a photo
of you at the wheel.

Oh, I don't think that'll be
a problem. Of course it will.

You are a woman in your 70s
and I am self-evidently not.

Just this week, I had a man in his


for God's sake.

I don't think anyone's
going to believe I'm you.

Well...

..let's just sleep on it, shall we?

Seems we both have
a lot to think about.

Such a lovely house...

Well, it's been mainly
the memory issues, yes,

but there has also been
some mood swings.

Just the other day,
I told one of the twins that,

"Mammy could really use
some space right now."

God, I don't know what came over me.

I know they're no longer toddlers,

but they shouldn't have to be
listening to language like that.

OK. Well, I do have some
results for you,

based on the urine test
and those initial bloods.

Right.

Yes, and, erm...

..is it a woman's issue?

In a way, yes.

Anne...

..you're pregnant.

Darling.

Mummy.

What's the score?

It's 3-0 to the Eagles.

Oh, dear.

No, we're the Eagles.

Oh, yes.

So, erm, have you had
the chance to think any more

about my little request?

Yes, Mummy. I got my letter.

Thank you.

And whilst I'm a firm believer
in helping out family members

however I can...

..I downloaded
the photo and, well...

So, yeah, I think that puts
that little debate to bed.

I'll say it does. Heh.

So you'll take the points?

What? Well, that could
easily be you.

That's a pensioner!

How dare you?!

What?! Mummy, it's a statement
of fact! Look! Excuse me.

Oh, Mal. OK, sorry,
do you have a moment?

Can you just tell me
what you see there?

Oh, no...

What are you going to do?
Take the points or do the course?

See?

I just did a course.

Anne! What happened?

Oh, well, I fell off a chair...

Oof. ..cos, oh, yes, also,
erm, a bit of news...

..er, turns out
I'm pregnant, so, yeah.

Er... Oh, my days!

Wow! Wonderful news, Anne!
Congratulations!

Yeah, that's amazing!

Oh, thank you.
Yes, a bit of a shock.

Well, we could all
be pregnant, Anne!

We're all young enough
to be pregnant.

Just cos some of us choose not
to be doesn't make us any older

than the people who are.
That's not how it works.

OK.

Congratulations, Anne.
I'm very pleased for you.

Thank you.

Stupid font's so small.

Oh, hey! Hi!

Hi. Picking up, right?
That's right, yes.

And what was the name?

It's... I'm joking.

Like I'd forget that face.

Take a seat, Amanda.

They're right here.

Just check the fit, if I may.

Mm.

Mm.

Yeah.

How does that feel?

Very nice. Thank you.

Great.

Yeah, just check if they're level.
Look at me.

OK, yeah.

All...

..all looking good?

Yeah, real good.

Er...

Look, this is hugely unprofessional,
but I was wondering...

Follow me.

Yeah, so those are for you, and any
problems, you know where to find me.

Right. Yeah?

Yes.

Yes, I do. Ah...

Amanda! Hey, there, Mumma!

Oh, look at you,
you're absolutely glowing.

I was, er...
I was just bleaching my moustache.

Aww.

I was just passing and I wanted
to drop by a little pregsent.

A pregnancy present. Oh.

Oh. It's for stretch marks.

I've never had to use it ever, but
it's supposed to be really great.

Er, thank you for this.

My cousin uses this,
actually, on her scars.

She reversed a pedalo into a
bloom of jellyfish a few years...

I just got propositioned...

..by the guy at the opticians.

By the guy in his 20s? Yes.

Are you sure you didn't get hold of
the wrong end of the stick there?

Yes, Anne!

Quite sure.

The only
stick-getting-hold-of was...

..him wanting me
to get hold of the...

..right end of his s...

No, Anne.

No, don't do that.

Do your normal face.

Why? What did I...? What did I...?
Anne, no!

You don't have the monopoly on being
young and fertile, you know.

Don't look at me like
I'm some dried-up husk.

Come on. Come on, I'll prove it.

I'm just in the middle of...
No, you're not. Come on.

Grab your coat. OK.

Come on, before they close.

I'll be back in a minute!

Anne, wipe it off, it's gross. Mm.

Right, come on.

Ugh!

Did somebody call the RA-Fi?

It's like RAC, but...me.

Yeah, I forgot to top up
the bleeding coolant, didn't I?

Hop in. I'll take you
to Halfords, mate.

Ah, nice one, Fi.

Whoa... Oh, sorry.

Ooh, got a live one there.
Do you want half?

No, thank you. All right.

Can I turn that down?

Oi, oi! Lucky saddle!

What the f...

What?

You can't say that!

But that's what you say
when you see a lady on a bike.

You shout "lucky saddle"
for good luck.

It's like seeing a yellow car.

My dad used to say it all the time.

No, no, no. OK, turn that off.

What?

That's...not why your dad
was saying "lucky saddle".

He was implying that the saddle
was lucky because of where it was.

On a bike? No, where on the rider.

Oh, my God.

He was a white van man.

Well, I mean...
How did I f*cking miss that?

Well, you were a kid and, you know,
it was a different time.

In the '90s, even the greatest
dads could be a bit...

..stuck in the '80s.

I mean, I'm a white van man and...
we're not just like that any more.

Well, I bloody am! Look at me!

Yeah, I mean, you could
tidy up a little bit

and think a bit more about
how you behave on the road.

Maybe it's just in my DNA, though.

All them childhood memories.

Stick me in a white van
and this is just what I become.

Hmm.

Do you want me to drive?

Yeah.

Oi! I was indicating, you w*nk*r!

Maybe it's the van.

I don't know why we have to do this

because the shop's going
to be closed soon anyway.

It's barely 5:30.

Now, listen, you're going to go
in there and browse the glasses.

I actually have 20-20 vision.

Don't show off, Anne.

I will then enter, approach Finley,
and you will bear witness

to a very handsome young man


OK, damn, he's leaving. That's him.

Oh!

He IS a very handsome young man,
yes. Yes, I did tell you that.

Awful young, though.

Well, I don't see it Anne, but then
maybe I'm not prejudiced like you.

Oh, come on.

He's being picked up by his mum.

Well, we all see our mums, Anne.

There's not an age when you
suddenly stop seeing your mum.

Oh... Actually, I, erm...

..don't think that's
his mum, Amanda.

What...?

Do you think maybe he has,
erm...a slight...

..kink for the older lady?

Anne, listen to me.

If you want me to be godmother
to your unborn child,

which you do... Mm-hm.

..this...never happened, OK?

Mm-hm.

Anne, move it, now.

Anne, I just said I didn't
want to talk about it. Yeah.

What the hell...?

Busted. I said we should sit inside.

What do you think you're doing?!

It's one gin and tonic.

And they're only singles,
so it's not that bad.

Did your mum get you a fake ID?

No, she went all Amanda about it.

Well, what... What is
that supposed to mean?

How'd you get served?

Drinks, ladies!

Oh, sh*t.

Darius!

You little fecker!

Well done, guys.

Way to upset the pregnant woman.

What?!

Oh...

Had you not...? No, not yet.

Right.

Big brother!

Darling! I was just... No.

It's a no to taking your points.

And I realise it's going to cost me
any help with buying the house,

but the fact is...

..neither of us are
getting any younger.

Eyes fail, reflexes go and, frankly,

your driving's bloody awful.

I worry you're going
to k*ll someone.

Probably yourself.

And...

..as it turns out, I would rather
have you alive than a big house,

so it's a no.

No, Mummy.

Amanda... Mummy, I have said my
piece, I have thought about it, I...

Amanda, thank you...

..for not wanting me dead.

Not many mothers could say that.

Mu...

I lightly brushed into
a one-way suggestion today...

Sign, yeah.

..so I think the time
has come for me to admit

that my driving days
are behind me...

Mummy... ..so I've taken the points,
they've taken my licence.

And...

OK.

What's this?

Valuation on this place.

I'm selling it to free up the money,
so I can put an offer in on...

Dead cat lady.

Elspeth's. ..Elspeth's!

Mummy... I don't know what to say!

But where will you live?

Well, with you!

In our new house!

Oh! Oh, darling!