01x02 - Lästiger Spuk

[bunniefuu]

Woman loud.

Quod erat demonstrandum.
She can indeed see us.

And she isn't a ghost.

Thank God you men are here, so we idiots, too, can understand.
- Yes.

Subtitle: WDR mediagroup GmbH on behalf of WDR
translation: rovermcfly beta reader: average-imperfection

Oh f*ck.

Felix? Felix!

Nothing happened.

Just leave me alone!

What is all this fuss about?

Emma, um...

Emma? Emma, wait.

Hey.

Are you seeing them again, the...
- Yes.

I can promise you,
there's no one here.

They're still there.
- Emma, they're hallucinations, they can't hurt you.

Remember the doctor said on the phone
that something like this can happen.

I know, but they look so real.

It's really incredible what
the brain is capable of.

Briefing. Stante pede.

Emma?

They're gone.
- See?

I told you. Come on,
you need to lie down.

Yeah.
- Come on.

I'll take care of
everything, okay?

I'll fix the boiler next and
we'll have hot water again.

It's not as bad as it seems.
- But you don't know anything about fixing a boiler.

Hello? Tutorials? Any
schmuck can do it.

And the construction company?
- They didn't show up today, I gotta call them.

Oh you know what construction
workers are like.

They come and go as they please.

But don't worry, your boyfriend
has everything under control.

Help.
- sh*t.

Legionaries. The situation is as
serious as it once was in Carthage.

The intruders have settled in.
- Like vermin.

We must act quickly.

She can see and hear us.

This opens up the possibility
of a frontal attack, by Jove.

She thinks we're hallucinations.

I am nothing but a
fleeting phantasm to her.

That's why we must convince
her that we are not phantasms.

But as real as the
gods on Olympus!

Of course. She's
playing with me.

She wants me to woo her,
beguile her, court her.

Feminine cunning,
I see through you.

Uhm, lirum larum. NOTE: lirum larum
is fake Latin from an old kid's song

We need a system of
layers and attack in waves

to wear down the enemy.

Who's gonna start? Me.
It's always warmongering with you.

I say we simply talk to
her and find a compromise.

You Germanic people are
just too peace-loving.

Hm...
- Hm...

I say there is only
one form of compromise:

The iron fist of Rome.

That's what we used to
call it in our sauna club.

When you're completely oiled up on the swing...
- Please.

Disgusting.
- What?

"I'll take care of everything."
Why am I such an idiot poser?

Yeah, that actually
looks quite, um...

Hi guys, welcome
to my new video.

Today I'll show you
how to repair a boiler.

But a warning in advance...

Yeah yeah, get to the point.

The heating element is secured
with two Phillips screws.

No. Come on.

Come on, don't leave me hanging.
Come on. Come on, come on, come on.

Yes.

Is this how you're lowering my
stress level? The house is shaking.

Dude, I thought you wanted to
take care of the important things.

I did, I'm just taking a little
break. But I'll turn it down in a sec.

What about the boiler?

There's practically ice
cubes coming out of the tap.

I'll take care of it. I just
need to let the video buffer-

Did you call the construction company? When are they coming?
- Yes, well...

Felix, you can't just
sit back and expect

things to fix themselves.
This is important.

Obviously I'm gonna have to
take care of everything myself.

I called the construction company, multiple
times, but they won't answer the phone.

What was I supposed to do?

But they'll come back, they
left all their stuff here.

And I will take care of the boiler, I
just connected the TV in the meantime.

But that's no reason to
bite my head off like that.

Okay.

Sorry, I'm just pretty over
it right now because of the...

I just feel like when
I'm stressed I...

Ah, here we go. Right on cue.

Ave! There is no room
for you in this domicile.

And certainly not for an army of complete strangers
seeking to spend an obolus for a night here.

Roma locuta, causa finita.

"Rome has spoken, the
matter is settled."

In case you have
not mastered Latin.

What is it? What's wrong?

Where?

A hotel at the Donnerhall
residence? That will be the day!

And who is going to ensure discipline and order among
the rabble? It's not going to be you, young lady, is it?

I have never seen a person

who let herself go like this.

Just look at your hair, it's
a veritable bird's nest!

Boo!
- At least think of something new.

By the beard of
Bacchus, a tough nut.

I know how to crack nuts.

Get out. Get out. Get out.
Get out. Get out. Get out.

Get out. Get out. Get
out. Get out. Get out.

You guys seem like
super nice people to me.

But maybe you could leave, I'm
sure we all would like that

and you can come and visit and we
could chat about all sorts of things.

Sundays would be best because
we don't have any program.

Adelheid is very sensitive
about the Lord's Day.

What? Again?

You got Solitaire on there?

When can you send your
workers to us again?

Between you and me, I have no problem
with your hotel idea, personally.

Next week? By then, my boyfriend will
probably have torn down the house.

Are you gonna rent by the hour? You know
what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink.

I'll call you back.

Wait! What does the long fish book
at the hotel? His id-eel vacation!

It needs a second.

Needs a second.

Get out. Get out. Get out. Get
out. Get out. Get out. Get out.

Get out. Get out. Get out. Get
out. Get out. Get out. Get out.

Did he make you cry?

This miserable scoundrel who
calls himself Felix, the Lucky.

Forsooth, a fitting
name, I have to admit.

My lovely, my beloved,
my everything.

You deserve a husband who
makes you laugh, not cry.

These are stronger than neurotoxin.
- Poison?

My pretty one, my delicate
one, my Juliet, yes, take it.

Take the poison so you
can be with your Romeo.

I mean with me, of course.

It's almost time. I can feel it.

Unfortunate one,
you're still alive.

Don't despair, we'll try again.

With a higher dosage.

Ah!
- Gotta charge the drill.

Hans? Hans, what...

Ugh, you could set
your clock by it!

Maybeetle fly

Father is at w*r

Mother in Pomerania

Burned to ash, Pomerania

Maybeetle fly

You gotta get this right, or
you'll look like an idiot.

...disconnect the power,
to get to the anode.

Anodes? What the
hell are anodes?

Idiot. Can't make fire.

Uhm...

♪ Video continues
in the background ♪

There we go.

sh*t.
- Now let's remove the cover, right?

Stupid!

Felix?
- Dude, you scared the hell out of me.

Stay away from me.
- Me?

No, the Neanderthal.
- Boom. Ah. Fire, make fire.

Felix, you have to take
me to the hospital,

I need different meds or therapy

or whatever to get
out of this nightmare!

Sure, I'll be done in 10.

No, no, no, you have to
take me to the hospital now,

or I will take myself and I am in no
state to drive myself to the hospital.

Gas-c*ck-a-doodle-do.
Gas-c*ck-a-doodle-do.

Gas-c*ck-a-doodle-do!
- Gas-c*ck-a-doodle-do.

Um, gas-c*ck-a-doodle-doo.
What do you mean?

A rooster? c*ck? Or...

sh*t. The stopcock!

Gas-c*ck-a-doodle-do

Laters, haters! Sayonara,
pina colada! Toodeloo!

Victory is ours. Carry me on
a sedan through the crowd.

I liked those two.
- I broke them.

My heart into 1000
pieces splitters,

The new morning now
tastes, ah, like glitter.

Bitter, for God's sake, bitter would be a good rhyme.
- It's really not that difficult.

Yeah, okay. That works too.

Mhm. Mhm. Fascinating.

Are you seeing any of
these figures right now?

No, not right now.

Maybe I'm fine again?
- Hmm.

Do you think it's related to the accident?
- With absolute certainty.

Okay, that's good,
right? I'll get better.

My diagnosis is as follows:

The accident has brought you so
close to death that you are able now

To see dead people.

Alright.

I really don't
think this is funny.

I know how absurd it sounds.

You can see me as well.
- So what?

Exactly.

Sorry for making
you wait so long.

Best not to say anything! Otherwise
she'll put you in a looney bin.

So, what can I do for you?

Can't I just pay the money
back? Cancel the loan?

Because of force
majeure or something?

Uh, I'll call you back.

Uh. Emma, ​​wait a minute.

Emma?

And how do you know that
they aren't hallucinations?

Listen.

In our house, I see only our ghosts.
At the hospital, I see different ones,

But not the ones from our
house. And vice versa.

Why should my head do that?

For hallucination reasons?

I'll check if there's a tutorial.
- Yes.

How much?

She always jumps at 2 a.m.

Ergo, 5 hours back.

It's stuck.
- Pain is just weakness leaving the body.

Continue.

We have to sell the house.

It'll take months until we find a
buyer for this giant thing. At least.

Okay, then I'll refuse the inheritance.
- But there's a catch.

How are we gonna pay
back all those loans?

What was I supposed to do?
- You could have asked me.

Wow, Trouble in Paradise. I'll
take the big bag of popcorn.

Shut up! - What?
- Not you. Them.

Who?
- Them!

Do you think they'll make up?
- Hopefully not.

Alright.

I see you. I see all of you.

I see you, wannabe-Caesar
from Asterix and Obelix.

You, Countess of
Stick-up-the-a*s.

You, 80's chick wearing
a bad Halloween gag.

Cinderella, I can see you. And
you of course, Zombie-Goethe.

And Iceman, I can't just
see you, I can smell you.

And you, Commander Commando
with your shitty puns

that no one could laugh about.

You're seeing Val
Kilmer from Top g*n?

You won. Okay?

You managed to break my nerves.

I acknowledge your existence.

So please, what do you want?
- Surrender.

And begone from our territory.

You don't belong here.

I'd love to, but it looks
like we're stuck here.

So, why don't you look for
another house to haunt?

Impossible. - Why?
- You stay where you die. Everyone knows that.

And how to die.

Yes, that's why I have
the arrow in my throat.

In case you were wondering why
I have an arrow in my throat.

Everyone talks to themselves when they're stressed, I get that...
- Okay.

Looks like we'll have to
find an arrangement somehow.

What does it take for
you to leave me alone?

Gaius Luftikus? Speak! NOTE: Luftikus could be translated
as airhead, we kept it for the Latin-sounding pun

I get the feeling
I should get help.

Um, would it be possible to change the
time on the grandfather clock in the foyer?

Weird, but fine by me. Next.

If you want to live in this house, you
are to follow the house rules, that means:

Chastity before marriage.

No. You?
- Break up.

Take your life and me
as your eternal husband.

Double no. And what you're doing is called
stalking and is considered a criminal offense.

It says here that you are delirious.
- You?

I just want a
friend to chat with.

Now that's a doable request, why
don't you follow that example.

I would like to play
Solitaire on the computer.

How is that supposed to work?
- With the proper dexterity.

Sounds disgusting coming
from you, but fine by me.

Cinderella, what do you want?
- I don't care.

In the end we all
end up on the pyre

because men feel threatened.
- Alright! You want to overthrow the patriarchy.

Now that's something
I can work with.

Last but not least,
Fred Flintstone.

Small Woodman.

Because for head
without... difficult.

I don't have the
slightest idea...

We would like real chess pieces. Made of wood.
- Yea.

Okay. - Mahogany.
- Don't push it.

I have the number of the
psychiatric emergency service.

Not now. Alright,
everyone, follow me.

The Berlin Wall really fell?
- Yes, it really did.

Oh, how lovely. So everyone truly lives in peace now.
- Well...

Here, Woman.

Here. Hop, hop. You.

Hm.

Checkmate.

Oh. What?

Russian rules.
- Russian rules?

Yea.
- There's no such thing as Russian rules.

Maybe she is a Donnerhall
after all. Hmm?

Perhaps.

I still don't know what
for but I opened it.

That's supposed to work? Doesn't
even have a floppy disk drive.

Holy f*cking t*ts,
the graphics on that.

That's at least 256
kilobytes of RAM for sure.

There.

There! There! Emma!

Emma, ​​could you come here
for a second, please? Emma?

Little wheel spin,
c*ck-a-doodle-doo, fire nub press.

You have to turn that
valve, turn the stopcock,

and then ignite with the button.

Uh, uh... Thanks.

He says, "You're welcome."

I don't know what
the point of this is.

It will only fight the symptom.

There you go.
- Gratias.

Hans?

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Hey.
- Hey.

So, how was your night?

I finally slept through the night again.
- Nice.

When I said haunted hotel I imagined
something a little different.

Thank you.

No problem. For what?

For not running away screaming.

I know how crazy that
must have seemed.

I wouldn't even have
believed myself.

I never doubted
your mental health.

I never doubted that you
could repair a boiler.

This far and no further.

What's wrong?