02x14 - Isn't That What's Her Face?

[bunniefuu]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to take
good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I sing, I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I sing, I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪♪

Hello, my name is Charles,

and I'm a sophomore here
at Copeland College.

I'm sure you know
that leaving home,

and going away to school
can be a very
stressful experience.

I didn't,
but I do now.

Charles,
why don't you lie down?

No, Sarah,
I-I'm rehearsing a speech.

You see, I'm on the
Copeland College
Hospitality Committee,

and it's my job
to meet new students,

and show 'em the ropes.

Boy students or girl students?

Girl students.

- How do you know that?
- Grow up, Sarah.

Jamie, I resent that.

Mmkay, but was I right?

I happen to feel that female
students are more traumatized

by sudden change
than male students, alright?

And, I think I can do more
good in that particular area.

Told ya so.

Oh, hello, Charles.

Oh, girls,
I'm glad you're here.

I've got a great
surprise for you.

We're going fishing!

- Fishing!
- Yup!

Gee, that's really nice,
Grandpa,

but this is
kind of a bad time.

Yeah! Jamie and I have to...

- [whispering]
Go to the market.
- Go to the market, right!

And, after that,
I have a lot of reading to do.

And then I have to
wash my hair.

Yeah, we can't
go fishing today.

No problem!
We're going tomorrow!

Since your mother
is out of town,

I wanna spend some time
with you kids, huh.

Hey!

How come everyone's
in the kitchen and I'm not?

Well, at least you're here
in body, if not in mind.

Adam, how would you like
to go fishing tomorrow?

- Alright!
- Did you do all your homework
last night?

- Sure.
- Okay, good man.

You go get the fishing tackle,

and I'm going down
to the bait store.

- I hate fishing, ugh.
- Yeah, same here.

Come on, Jamie, we've gotta
think of a way out of this.

So long, Charles.
We'll be at the market.

Hello.

My name is Charles,
and I'm a sophomore here
at Copeland College.

[knocking on door]

Hey, Charles,
there's a sorority softball
game down at the park!

- Let's go!
- I can't.

But it's Gamma Gamma Gamma!

I can't, I can't, I can't.

Buddy, I am on
the Hospitality Committee,

and my first freshman,

or should I say, freshwoman,
[giggling]

is on her way over here.

You mean they deliver?

I don't know about this one,
but I imagine some of them do.

I can't believe
I didn't think of that.

All those beautiful girls
wandering around campus,

totally lost,

desperate for someone
to show them the way...

to my room.

I have to admit, Buddy,
it was a stroke of genius.

I mean, with me
on this committee,

we can get the cream
of the freshman crop.

- We?
- Yeah!

I can't handle 'em all
by myself, Buddy.

You can have the overflow.

[doorbell rings]

- She's here.
- O-Okay, remember,

if she's overflowing,
she's mine.

Alright, oh!

Is there any food in my teeth.

- No.
- Alright, let's go.

[doorbell rings]

[doorbell rings]

Alright.
[chuckling]

Let her in!

Hi, I'm Dorothy Pretz.

[sniffles]

[lisp] Which one
of you is Charles?

[Buddy chuckling]

He is!

Hello!

My name is Charles, and uh...

And I'm a, uh, a sophomore
here at Copeland College.

Now, I'm sure you know
that leaving home...

[sigh] And going away
to school can be a real...

...drag.

And speaking of drags, this
is my friend, Buddy Lembeck.

Hi, Buddy!

Hi.

Well, I hate to meet and run,

but the Gamma Gamma Gamma
girls are waiting
to play ball,

and if there's
gonna be any scoring,

I wanna be in on it.

Have a nice time.

[sniffles]

Uh...

Come on in.

- Can I, uh, take your coat?
- No!

Okay.

I have allergies.

Almost everything
makes me sick.

Yeah, I, uh,
know what you mean.

Uh... look I have a, uh,

uh, a map of the school here,
and I can, you know,

kinda help you
find your way around, alright?

- Charles? [sniffles]
- Yeah?

Are we alone?

Yeah, we're alone.

Uh, wh-what's your
first class gonna be?

Speech and Debate.

Perfect.

Alright, that's
in Prentiss Hall,

so what you wanna do is, uh...

You wanna go to
the cafeteria here, alright,

then you go past the gym
and you'll turn left,

and then you'll be
in front of the auditorium,

and you just keep
going straight,

and, uh, it'll be
the second building,

on, um...

[Dorothy sighs]

Charles,

aren't you gonna
say something?

This is funny, I mean,

she comes in the house with
the funny hat and glasses and,

[nasally voice]
"Hi, I'm Dorothy Pretz."

Takes everything off and looks
like my favorite movie star,
Darby Peterson.

I am Darby Peterson!

Get outta here!

W-Why would Darby Peterson
be in a living room with me,

- i-in New Jersey?
- Charles.

I am Darby Peterson.

Get outta here!

[stammering] You look like
Darby Peterson a lot, but,

Darby Peterson is a
movie star, here look,

this, this is Darby Peterson.

Now, I'll give it to you
that the face is the same,

but the eyes...

The eyes a-a-are the same.

Wait a minute.

[chuckling] Wait a minute.

You're, uh...

Darby Peterson!

- You're Darby Peterson!
- Yes!

I can't belie...

[stammering]

I've been in love with you
since you were a

- Thank you!
- No!

I mean...

I... I didn't mean that.

- I-I meant
in your first movie.
- I know.

Yeah, and then you got older,
and your parts got bigger.

- Thank you!
- No! Uh...

Uh, I-I mean
y-your movie parts.

Oh.

Yeah, a-and now you're
standing in front of me.

I don't believe this!
Can...

Can I hug you?

Ohh!

I-I gotta tell my friend,
Buddy.

- No! You can't tell Buddy.
- What?

You've gotta promise me you
won't tell anyone who I am.

Then, I'll tell my Uncle Joe.
He lives in Brooklyn.

No one.

You see, the reason
that I am going to Copeland,

as Dorothy Pretz is,
I figure, she has a shot
at a good education,

and Darby Peterson
has no chance at all.

I don't believe this.

Wait, you think you can get
away with this for four years?

No, but I'll get away with it
for as long as I can.

At least until I'm settled
into my studies.

[giggling]
I can't believe this!

See, if the press finds out
about me now,

I'll never even get started.

I don't believe this.

Please, will you help me?

No! I'm nuts!

Of course I'll help you!

Listen, I don't
understand, though,

if you don't want anybody
to know who you are,

uh, why'd you tell me?

Because I have to have
one friend.

Ohh!

One person that I can
be myself with.

Why me?

- Charles.
- Huh?

I'm very instinctive,

like a jungle animal,

and when I looked
into your eyes,

I saw the soul of a man
I could really trust.

[doorbell rings]

You hear bells?

Yes, do something!

- [doorbell rings]
- You gotta be kidding me.

No, I...

Someone is at the door!
Will you get rid of them?

- Uh...
- [doorbell rings,
knocking on door]

Yeah, uh... um...
I'm coming!

Hang on a second.

[knocking on door]

Alright, alright.

- Buddy, what do you want?
- Hey, Charles!

- Is the Airedale gone?
- Now...

Buddy, y-you shouldn't
say that.

Charles, I just saw some
of the new freshman girls,

- at the sorority
softball game,
- Yeah.

and I had to come back
and tell you,

you did not get
the pick of the litter.

[Sarah]
Jamie! You've gotta help me
put the groceries away.

Hey, what are they doing here?

- Th-They live here, Charles.
- I know that!

Don't move a muscle.
I'll be right back.

Maybe she exploded.

- [Buddy clears throat]
- [Darby screams]

Shh!

- [Buddy screaming]
- Shhh!

[Buddy stammering]

Do you know who you are?

You're Darby Peterson!
You're my favorite movie star!

And you mustn't breathe
a word to anyone!

Please!

I know I can count on you.

You do?

Yes.

Buddy, I am very instinctive,

like a jungle animal,

and when I looked
into your eyes,

I saw the soul of a man
I could really trust.

You gotta get me out of here.

Can you, can you drive me
to my hotel?

- I'd drive you to Hawaii.
- Come on.

Charles, we don't wanna stay
in the kitchen.

We've already put away
the groceries.

Yes, and I think
alphabetizing them is going
a little too far.

Fine,

and don't come crying to me
when you can't find
your zucchini!

Buddy?

Buddy!

Darby, Darby, you can come out
now, everybody's gone.

Darby!

Darby?

That's okay, Charles.
Don't be embarrassed.

A lotta kids have
imaginary friends.

Yeah, yeah, uh...
Wellington Hotel,

do you have a,
uh, Dorothy Pretz
registered there?

[sigh] You don't?

Yeah, thank you.

Buddy, where have you been?
I've been calling you
all afternoon.

Chill out, babe.

Just took the Darb
for a little din-din.

The Darb?

Yeah, she's totally
into this college gig.

College gig?

I just dropped her off at
her hotel, the Yorkshire Arms.

I'm telling you, Chuck,

this woman...

She's totally together,
you know,

her spiritual self
is so centered,

and her, and her physical self
is so, uh...

Yabba-Dabba-Doo!

[telephone rings]

Powell residence.

Darby!

What?

Wh-Where are you?

Alright, stay right there.
I'm on my way over.

That's Darby.
She's in trouble.
I gotta help her.

- What about me?
- I'll help you
some other time.

♪♪

[Darby gasps]

What girl?

- Mr. Powell, it's not
what you think.
- Uh-huh.

Really, I-I-I slept
on the couch last night.

- I just saw you
walking out of your room!
- I know that, sir!

It's because
I went to get dressed.

You see, I-I knew
that you were getting up
early this morning,

and I thought if you saw me
sleeping on the couch,

that you would think I had
a-a girl in my room.

Ah, I was wrong.
You didn't have
a girl in your room.

- You had two girls
in your room!
- No, sir, I swear I didn't!

Charles!
I hope you're gonna tell me,

that those two girls
are your long lost sisters,

and you're hiding them
in the bedroom,

so they won't be stolen
by a band of roving gypsies.

Are you ready to tell me that?

Yes, sir.
Are you ready to believe it?

No!

Well, I guess, uh...

I'll have to tell you
the truth, then.

- But not right now.
- When?

Uh... about four years.

- It's time to go fishing!
- Adam, Adam, Adam.

Wait, you just wait out
in the car, honey.
I'll be right out in a minute.

Young man,
front and center.

Mrs. Powell
is coming back tomorrow.

I don't know what she's
gonna think when she finds out
what you've done.

- Charles, what did you do?
- Never mind, young lady.

You just go wait in the car.

Sir, I don't wanna
detain you any longer.
Have a nice day!

Charles!
I want the truth.

When I get back here,

you either have
an explanation,

or you have your bags packed.

No, I had to bring Darby
into the house, Buddy.

She couldn't go back
to her hotel room.

There were five reporters
waiting in the lobby.

I'm telling you,
somebody leaked the story,

that she's going
to school here.

Well, it wasn't me, babe.
Maybe it was you.

Are you nuts?

I'm the one who brought her
into the house.

I'm the one who slept on the
couch last night.

I'm the one who might
lose his job!

Do you think I'm an idiot?

If you slept on the couch,
I know you're an idiot.

Will you knock it off, Buddy.
I have a real problem here.

I promised Darby that
I wouldn't expose her.

So did I, and I won't.
Charles, she can trust me.

Well, she can trust me, too.

I gave her my word,
and I plan on keeping it.

[sigh]

Look, Mr. Powell's gonna
be home any minute, so, uh,

I guess I'll have to
go in there and face
the firing squad.

Uh, Chuck.

The Darb and I
are counting on you, okay?

Although, I don't know why
she counts on you,

when she's so obviously
in love with me.

Chin up, babe.

[doorbell rings]

Please, don't let it be
Mr. Powell.

- Charles.
- Thank you!

I need a place to hide.

I can't imagine what those
reporters are doing in town.

Did you tell Mr. Powell
who I am?

- No. Can I?
- No!

Y-You mustn't tell anyone.

- You gave me your word!
- O-O-Okay, okay, I promise,

but look, you can't
stay here, Darby.

Mr. Powell's gonna be
home any minute.

Oh, no!

- Alright, uh, look,
I'll call you later.
- Alright.

[gasp and screams]
They're here!

- Who?
- Those reporters are
across the street! Look!

Hey, you're right.

Don't they know there's
a revolution going on
in Central America?

Look.

You gotta help me.
Let's go to your room.

Uh, this is a bad time, Darby.

Mr. Powell's gonna be home
pretty soon.

No, they're looking
for a tall, homely girl,

and I have an idea.
Come with me.

My feet are soaked,
and my hair is ruined.

Yeah, but at least
we didn't catch any fish.

Hey, Jamie,
I got a worm left over.

Ugh, Adam!

Great day, huh?
We'll have to do it again!

What does he see in her?

Chuck,

you know, D-Darby was right
to confide in me,

but I-I still can't figure out
how she knew that you
would keep her secret.

Oh, that was easy, Buddy.

You know,
Darby's very instinctive.

Like a jungle animal.

You know,

she said she looked
into my eyes,

and saw the soul of a man
she could really trust.

Babe, she didn't say that
to you.

You must've overheard her
say that to me.

You're such a guy.
I'll be right back.

- Charles!
- Darby, are you crazy?

Aren't you afraid somebody
will recognize you?

Oh, I'll only be here
a minute.

I gotta tell you
what's going on.

- This morning,
after you left my hotel,
- Yeah.

I found out who leaked
the news about me.

- Who was it?
- My agent.

I told him I was
going to college here,

and he turned the whole thing
into a giant publicity stunt,

to get me a role
in a very big film.

You're kidding me.
That stinks!

Actually, it doesn't.
It's a wonderful role...

Yeah, but Darby,
wh-what about your education?

It'll have to wait.

[sigh] Oh, I guess that, uh,

running around and
hiding under wigs was all
for nothing, huh?

No, no, please.

I've been in the movies
since I was a child and,

you don't run into
too many trustworthy people
in this business.

Meeting you has kind of...

I don't know,
restored my faith in humanity.

Charles, I don't know if I
can ever thank you enough.

[clears throat]

Well, th-that's
close to enough.

Darby!

- Hey! Buddy!
- What are you
doing here, love?

Look, I have to go back
to Hollywood.

Uh, Charles will explain
the whole thing to you,

but I wanted you guys
to have this cassette
of my latest movie,

so you wouldn't forget me.

- I could never forget you.
- Yeah, neither will
Mr. Powell.

Well, at least now,
you can tell him the truth,

about who I am.

Listen, thanks, guys,
for everything, huh?

Darby!

Before you go, uh,

I'd like to ask you
one last thing.

What's Loni Anderson
really like?

She's wonderful.

Buh-bye!

Chow mein, baby.

So, now I know what
Loni Anderson's really like.

Now Darby knows what
Daffy Duck is really like.

Mr. Powell,
it's true, you see,

Darby was pretending
to be Dorothy,

so the press
wouldn't expose her,

and I was just trying
to help her keep a secret.

What secret?

Her true identity!

Mr. Powell,
the girl that slept
in my bedroom last night,

while I slept on the couch,

this is gonna k*ll you,
was Darby Peterson.

- No!
- Yeah!

Great Scott!

Who the hell
is Darby Peterson?

Darby Peterson
is a famous movie star.

- That girl told you
she was a movie star?
- Yeah!

You don't believe us?

Alright, Mr. Powell,
I have proof right here.
Watch it, Buddy.

This is a tape
of Darby's last movie.
She gave it to us.

Alright, Mr. Powell,
sit back and watch this.

[music over TV ♪]

[Darby] Eric...

I'm very instinctive,

like a jungle animal.

When I looked into your eyes,

I saw the soul of a man
I could really trust.

Well, Charles.

I'm convinced.

I'll tell you one thing,
they don't write movies
like they used to.

[imitating Darby]
"When I looked into your eyes,

I could see the soul of a man
I could really trust."

Only an idiot would fall
for a line like that!

[both] Idiot!

♪♪

Wanna help me out here
or what?

Sure.

Charles, there's something
I've been wanting to ask you.

- What?
- Well, when Darby was
in your room last night,

did you really sleep
on the couch?

Of course I did, Buddy,

what else would you
expect me to do?

In this house,
with those kids sleeping
right about my head, huh?

What kinda guy
do you think I am?

Oh, look, I'm sorry,
I-I didn't mean to offend you.

I just couldn't picture you,

passing up an opportunity
like that,

You know, of course,
you had to...

The Yorkshire Arms?

That's the hotel
where Darby was staying!

Is there something
you wanna tell me, Charles?

- Yeah, Buddy, there is.
- Well?

You're folding these socks
all wrong!

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our days and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪ of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ and I sing ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ I want Charles
in charge of me ♪

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪

♪♪