02x06 - American Teen

[bunniefuu]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

[♪♪]

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

[♪♪]

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want ♪

♪ I want Charles in charge ♪

♪ of me ♪♪

[♪♪]

Sarah, you're being so negative.

Believe me.

Winning this
will be a big stepping stone
on my way to a modeling career.

I think the world
is ready for a new teen goddess.

Charles,
you know Paula Thackery.

Sure.
Hey, Paula.
- Charles.

[cheering]
Mr. College.
Mr. Campus.

Mr. Football U.S.A.!

I don't play football.
I-I-I study.

Way to go, Charles!

[cheering]
Hit those books!
Hit those books!

Hit those, hit those,
book-- book-- books.

Charles, guess what
incredibly hot contest
is coming up.

Incredibly hot?

Ah, the Pillsbury Bake-Off?

A contest for people our age.

Oh!
Well, that must be
the Pillsbury Teen-Off.

You're half right.

"American Teen" magazine
is having a contest

to pick the girl
who best represents
American teenagers.

Okay.
Here's what happens.

Step one, I send in an essay
on what it's like
to be a teenage girl today.

[Charles] Hmmm.
- Step two, they print the names
of the ten finalists.

And step three, I win.

Congratulations, Jamie.

Sorry, you guys.
It was a fair fight,

but you lost.

Don't look at me.

Frankly, I couldn't care less
about "American Teen" magazine.

Oh, don't believe her, Charles.
Look what's in her book bag.

Oh, there's our handbook now.

[cheering]
Gimme an A!
Gimme an M!

Gimme an R!
Gimme a T!

Gimme an N!

Amerten?

American Teen.

When I'm in a hurry,
I abbreviate.
- Oh.

C'mon, Paula.
I'll walk you to the bus stop.

Okay.
Goodbye, Charles.
- Bye.

Charles!
Charles!
Charles!

[cheering]
Gimme a C!
Gimme an H!

Gimme an A!
Gimme an S!

Gimme a period!

Gimme a break.

[knocking]
Come in.

Hi, can I sit?

Yeah.
- Thanks.

I just came up to make sure
there wasn't anything
you wanted to talk about.

Oh.
Well, you're right.

There wasn't.
- Good.

I mean,
I didn't think there was.

I especially didn't think
you wanted to talk
about that magazine contest.

You're right again.
I didn't.

Fine.
Then, I definitely won't mention

how ironic
it is that a talented writer
like yourself

wouldn't want to submit an essay
to a national magazine.

Good.
Because that way,

I don't have to remind you
that I am probably

the least typical teenager
in America.

Well, in that case,
I'll spare you my pep talk

about how it's better
to have tried and failed

than not to try at all.

Well, it's been nice
not talking to you.

Nice not talking to you, too,
Charles.

Thank you.

You've been holding out on me.

Holding out what?

Charles, enrolled
in your Geology 101 class,

is a certain
female foreign exchange student,

who also happens
to be France's greatest gift
to America

since the Statue of Liberty.

Oh, you mean Louise?

The hottest girl in school,
and you haven't even
asked her out?

What have you been doing
in Geology, hiding under a rock?

I don't know, Buddy.
I'm just scared of this one,
ya know?

She's so sophisticated.

She's so... cultured.

So...

French.
- So what?

So, I'm intimidated.

You.
Intimidated?
- Yeah.

Charles is intimidated?

Okay, I tell you what.

If you want a date with Louise,

I'll help you pull it off.

Why you so interested
in my welfare?

Why don't you ask Louise out
for a date?

Because you're my best friend,
Charles.

And nothing...
nothing would please me more

than to see you go out
with the most gorgeous girl
on campus.

What's the real reason?

She turned me down.
- [laughing]

Hey, not that I'm bitter.
I just want you
to date her for a few months,

use her,
abuse her,
break her heart,

and then dump her.
[Charles blows raspberry]

Works for me.

[♪♪]

Adam, may I ask
why you're littering our table

with hundreds
of little pieces of cardboard?

Hi, Grandpa.

It's a jigsaw puzzle.

And it's over a thousand pieces.
You can help, if you want.

No, thanks.
I don't have time
to play games.

Steady, boy.
Steady.

That's a straight-edged piece.
What you need there
is one of them wiggly ones.

Adam, perhaps your mother
could use your assistance.

Uh, Mom?
Could you perhaps
use my assistance?

Absolutely not.

It is my job to provide
a suitable home for my children.

It is your job
to enjoy your childhood

and feel guilty about it.

Aha!
Never underestimate the power
of a woman and her plunger.

So, what's this?
A jigsaw puzzle?

How long has this been going on?

Ever since I got home.

I was gonna take a break,

but I think Grandpa
wants to keep working on it.

I-I'm just helping the boy
get started.

Long-term projects
build character.

You two are both characters.

I think jigsaw puzzles
are about the uh...

biggest waste of time
that I can think of.

What's this?
Some new kind
of puzzle-suction game?

Careful,
or you'll get sucked in, too.

Well, not me.
I never cared for puzzles.

Sure.

No, really.

Who's he trying to kid?

He'll join in sooner or later.

And when he does, he'll be ours.

Lemme see that.

"What It's Like
to be a Teenage Girl
in America Today"

by Jamie Powell.

It's...
[apple crunching]

is...
[apple crunching]

very...
[apple crunching]

Charles, how can I be creative
with all that noise?

I don't understand it.

I have teenhood mastered.

Why can't I put
my expertise into words?

Simple genetics.

Jamie, you have the good looks.
I have the verbal skills.

I could probably write
that essay in ten seconds.

Huh.
It's all yours.

"What It's Like
to be a Teenage Girl
in America Today"

by Sarah Powell.

As a modern teenage girl,

I have the opportunity
to live a full
and rewarding life.

A life that balances school,
sports and...

... of course, dating.

What if tomorrow,

tomorrow,
we the children of yesterday,

will be challenged
to form a new world.

And I, for one,
accept that challenge

with humility, hope
and profound gratitude.

And that's exactly the kind
of essay that "American Teen"
is waiting for.

How'd she do that?

That's pretty good, Sarah.
You should send that in.

How did she do that?

You wanna know why
I can't enter this contest?

I don't have anything to say.

I don't really know
what a typical teenager is.

I think we're all individuals
and the only thing
we have in commons is...

we're all confused.

"Teenage" is just seven years
of insecurity, doubt
and embarrassment...

But all the time hoping that
maybe you are going to make it.

Not by fitting somebody else's
mold but by...

... just being yourself.

Besides, I'm not ready
to go public.

I'm having enough trouble
going private.

How did she do that?

I don't know.

But for a girl
who doesn't have
anything to say,

she sure has a lot to say.

[♪♪]

[crowd chattering]

What will it be?

Sid, I'd like a French Dip,

some French fries, and a salad
with French dressing.

Ignore him, Sid.

He's just trying
to get me to hit
on that French girl.

You mean Louise?

I think you oughtta do it,
Charles.

She's sitting back there
all by herself.

What have you got to lose?

My pride,

my dignity,

my track record.

That's negative.

You gotta think positive.

Life is good.

Life is great.

Sid, I know
you're a happy kind of guy,

but could you cheer down
a little?

I can't help it.
It's positive thinking.

I mean, today,

I manage
a successful pizza parlor.

and someday,
this pizza parlor
will be all mine.

Now, how do you think
I did all that?

Your father owns the place.

See?
[snickering]

The power of positive thinking.
[snickering]

Charles, Louise
is sitting over there,
waiting for you.

Now, tell me the truth.

Do you want to meet

[in a French accent]
this girl?
Oui-oui or no-no?

My brain tells me no-no,
but there's oui-oui in my heart.

I just can't understand
what's holding me back.

Why-- it's just
a simple language barrier.

I've done some research
on your behalf,

and I've come up
with this list of ways

to start a romantic conversation
in French.

Hmmm.
What does this first one mean?

I don't know.

I don't speak French.

But my friend
Eric Anderson does.

And he says
they're great icebreakers.
Now trust me.

All right, okay.
[clears throat]

I-I can't even pronounce this.

That's the whole idea.

You're an American guy
struggling with her language.

She helps you out,

[in a French accent]
and voila!
The ice is broken.

Go on.
Go on--
- Shut up!

Hello.

Bonjour

I'm, uh, Charles
from Geology class.

Oui?

Uh, Mademoiselle, uh...

[speaking in French]

[speaking in French]

[in a French accent]
Oh, of course.

[in a French accent]
As long as you give it
back to me

when you're through
with it.

Au revoir, Charles.

Pepper!

I asked the girl
for pepper, Buddy.

Personally, not the approach
I would've used.

Do you know how humiliating
this is?

Ey, Charles.
Louise left her notebook

and it's got her phone number
on the cover.

Her phone number, Charles.

You could call her back
and ask her for the salt.

Oh, my gosh.
You guys, come in here.

Jamie, we're all in here
doing a jigsaw puzzle.

This is important.

The new issue of "American Teen"
just arrived.

My heart is beating so fast.

Jamie, I didn't think
you entered the contest.

I didn't.
Just read this right here.

Yeah,
"Announcing the ten finalists

in
the American Teenager Contest,

Barbara Cutler, Wendy Palmer,
Sarah Powell!

Sarah, great.
- Uh hoh!

That's impossible.
- No, it says right here.

You're in the finals.

Sarah, you don't look happy.

I don't wanna be in the finals.

It's bad enough
to be embarrassed
in my own home.

Now, I'm gonna be embarrassed
in front of the whole world.

But, Sarah, sweetheart, if you
didn't wanna be in the finals,

why did you send in an essay?

I didn't send it in.
But I know who did.

My friend Benedict Charles.

[sad flute music plays ♪]

What's she talking about?
I didn't send in her essay.

I know.
I did.

I'm gonna tell her.
Sarah!

You're making a big mistake.

Charles made the big mistake.

That's where you're wrong.
Listen to me.

Jamie, it doesn't matter
who sent in her essay.

So, let's just
keep this between me and Sarah,
all right?

There is nothing
between you and Sarah.

Look, stay mad at me
if you want to but don't pass up
this opportunity, Sarah.

You're a finalist.

Sarah, sweetheart,
they've enclosed
a publishing rights agreement.

I don't wanna sign
any agreement.

You'll be disqualified.

If you don't sign the agreement,
they can't print your essay
if you win.

I don't want them
to print my essay.

I don't want
all that public exposure.

Let's face it.
I'm not a winner.

I'd like to talk
to my granddaughter alone.

Please.

Sarah, you come down here
to your grandfather.

Sit.

Listen very carefully, Sarah.

See, I don't care
if you sign that agreement.

What you are...

and what you do
are two different things.

So, if you never win a contest,
if you never...

... write another essay or,

another poem,
or even another letter...

so long as you keep
that good heart of yours,

you will always,

always be a winner.

[♪♪]

Thanks, Grandpa.

Okay, enough of that.

I gotta get back to the kitchen.

Giving good advice is what I do,

working jigsaw puzzles
is what I am.

[♪♪]

I can't do it.
I can't do it, Buddy.

I know what to say
to other girls,

but I don't know
what to say to this one.

Charles, it's simple.
You just have
to start thinking French.

Now, pick a famous Frenchman,

and say what he would say.

All right.

I picked Marcel Marceau.

Charles.
Don't do it.

You wanna talk to Louise--
- No, I don't.
- Remember?

Buddy, don't do it.
- Come on.
You do.

- Don't-don't--
- Hello, Louise.

Yeah, one moment, please.

I never liked you.

[clears throat]
Hello, Louise?

Charles.

Uh, from, uh, Geology class.

Y'ow, from Sid's Pizza?

Yes, the pepper was delicious.
Thank you.

Uh, Louise,
I-I just wanted to tell you
that um--

Uh.
That-that I've um...

tha-tha-that
I've got your notebook,

and I'll bring it to class
for ya.

Okay.

You're welcome.
Bye.

Well.

That didn't go too badly.

Wile E. Coyote
has had friendlier conversations
with the Roadrunner.

[imitating Roadrunner]
Meep!
Meep!

Mom, please pass me
a piece of chicken

and a piece of bread

and several pieces of puzzle.

All right.
Let's see here.

We got a piece of white meat

and a piece of red farm house.

Red farm house?
I've been looking
for that for days.

Charles, you've been sitting
next to two perfect fits
right here.

I can't get into puzzles.

I tell you
what puzzles me, though.

This publishing rights agreement
has been sitting here all week.

Now, why don't you just swallow
your pride and sign it.

Sarah, I know it's easier
not to take chances.

But you--
you can't go through life
avoiding disappointments.

Think of all
the great experiences
you'll miss.

Right, Charles, and think
of all the great experiences
you're missing

because you're afraid
to take a chance
and ask Louise out.

No, Buddy.
That's entirely different.

You know, Charles,
you'd make a great politician.

You're really good at preaching
what you don't practice.

Sarah, you're right.
I shouldn't give you advice

if I'm not gonna
follow it myself.

That's right.
That's why Charles
is gonna pick up the phone,

call Louise,
and ask her for a date.
Right now.

[Charles]
I am?

I mean, I am.

Yeah, why not?

That's right.
What have you got to lose?

Not a thing.
The worst that can happen is,
she'll say "no."

Right.
So what if she's worldly,
cultured and refined.

So what if she's a goddess?

So what if she has more class
in her little finger

than Charles has in his whole...

Buddy!

... body.

Uh, you want class?
I'll show you class.

Listen and learn.

[clears throat]
Hello, Louise?
Charles.

I've happened upon
two choice seats
for this Saturday's opera.

And after that,
the Museum of Contemporary Art

is throwing a gala opening
of its new exhibit,

"Minimalist Sculptures
in Rust and Twine."

I do hope you can join me.

You can't?
Oh, bother.

Well, some other time, perhaps.
Au revoir.

Now, you see that, Sarah?
That didn't hurt at all.

Excuse me.

Ah!

What is going on?

I admire your courage, Charles.

But, I still don't understand
why you sent in my essay
without my permission.

Sarah, Charles didn't do it.

I entered you in the contest.

You?

Yeah, I did it...

... for you.

You thought you were doing
something nice for me?

With no hope
of being paid in money,
make-up or clothes?

Yeah.

Why?
Because I'm your sister.

No, because...

... 'cause I've known you
since I was a baby,

and that makes you
an old friend.

I like to help old friends.

Help?
Jamie, I didn't wanna enter
this contest.

So?
I helped you against your will.

Look most of the time,
I think you're a real troll,

but once in a while,
you do something
that makes me proud of you,

like that essay.

You're lucky.
You have a gift.

The least you could do
is share it.

So everybody
could be proud of you.

Come on.
Sign the stupid contract.

Oh, no.
I tore it up.

[exaggerated throat clearing]

Who says jigsaw puzzle skills
don't have their practical uses?

Oh, Mrs. Powell.
You're all right.

Hey, Sarah, letter for you
from "American Teen" magazine.

Here.

Sarah, what is it?

"We acknowledge receipt
of your contract,

and enclosed a copy
of your imaginative,
though-provoking essay.

Oh, would you read it for me?
I'd love to hear it.

Oh, Mom.
It's just a dumb essay.

Get outta here!
Gimme this.

[clears throat]

"What It's Like
to be a Teenage Girl
in America Today"

by Sarah Powell.

I don't know
what a typical teenager is.

I think we're all individuals...

Wait a minute.
This isn't what Sarah

rattled off into your tape
recorder.

I know.
It's what she said

after she turned the tape
recorder off.

That's what I wanted you
to share.

Your real feelings.

I think you'll win.

Thanks, Jamie.

I'm just happy
that someone's impressed
with my writing,

even if it is my sister.

Well, apparently, the judges
were pretty impressed.

I especially liked the part
about making it
by just being yourself.

Didn't you, Charles?

Yeah.

Yeah, I love that part, Jamie.

[exaggeratedly dials]

Hello, Louise?
Charles.

Listen, opera bores me to death

and the last museum I went to
featured Wayne Newton in wax.

How'd you like to get some pizza
and catch a horror flick?

You would?
Great!
I'll be right over.

Hey, Sarah.
We should be ourselves
more often.

We're terrific.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Adam, come here.

Here he comes.

What's going on?
- Adam?

Come over here.
We wanna show you something.

There's one piece left.
[laughs]

Adam, you brought
this puzzle home

and we took it away from you.

We owe you a lot.

And because of you, many of us
went without sleep

and some of us
will probably flunk biology.

But we loved every minute of it.

Because of you,
we all had a lot of fun.

Therefore, you get to put
in the last piece.

The most important piece.

Adam!

It's all yours.

That is kind of fun.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

♪ Charles in charge
of our days and our nights ♪

[♪♪]

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want ♪

♪ I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

[♪♪]

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪

[fanfare]