02x03 - Feud for Thought

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want ♪

♪ I want Charles in charge ♪

♪ of me ♪♪

[♪♪]

[door opens]

I'll get you later,
Gizzard-Face!

Have a nice day!

Friend of yours?

Oh, yeah.
That's-that's Kevin Holloway.
We're like this.

[thud]

All right, Kevin!
Now you die!

Adam!
Don't go out there.
You're going to get...

- Owww.
- Oh, hurt.

Whoa!

[laughing]

Good shot, Kevin.

Yeah.
[Adam] That's it!

There's no place he can run to!
No place he can hide!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come back here, kid Dillinger.

Look.

Adam.

The thing is,
I'm trying to--
Yeah.

I'm trying to study
for my philosophy midterm.

Now, I realize
you've never studied philosophy.

So, let me tell you
what I've learned, okay.

First,
never attack an armed man.

I didn't attack him!
He pelted me with eggs!

You were chasing him.

But I didn't catch him.
- That's because
he pelted you with eggs.

See?
- Shower.

[knocking]
Yeah?

Charles, we have to talk.

Why's he slimy?

He jumped in front
of a speeding egg.

Oh, welcome to the real world,
Adam.

Anyway, as I was saying--
- Buddy, I can't talk right now.

I've gotta study
for my philosophy midterm.

Charles, this is important.

Let me guess.

You're gonna tell me about
some girl you want to meet,

can't meet, want me to meet,
or will never meet again

because you did meet
and now you're dead meat, right?

Wrong.
I have two girls.
That's one more than one.

And two more than zero,
which is your normal allotment.

Excuse me.
Get in the shower.
C'mon, Adam.

What have you two
done to my grandson.

He was wounded in action, sir.
- g*nsh*t, sailor?

Eggshot, sir.

Kevin Holloway
threw a rock at the house.

So, I went out
to discuss it with him

and he opened fire with eggs.

Adam, what you need
is some strategic
and tactical advice.

Step into my office.

Ah, sir.
I don't think retaliation
is appropriate here.

Not-- maybe some quiet diplomacy
could prevent an all-out w*r.

Well, diplomacy ended
when that little t*rror1st
cast the first egg.

A man's gotta do,
what a man's gotta do.

What does that mean?

It means a man's gotta do,
what a man's gotta do.

Now, let me tell you
what you've gotta do--

Buddy, I've gotta concentrate.

Charles, concentrate on this.

The beautiful, fun-loving
DelFluvio sisters,

Gina and Dina.

I met 'em both.
Only talked to one.

Dina...

... or was it Gina?

I can never remember
which is which.

I didn't mind you
sitting with me,

but why d'you have
to bring Lori Weston?

I didn't bring her.

She was behind me in line.
What could I do?

Anyway, Charles, the deal is--
is that Gina or Dina will go out
with me,

but the first date's gotta be
a double-date with her sister

and a guy who she's met
and already approved of,
which is you.

So, can I bring her over here
tomorrow?

Bring who where?
You don't even know her name.

But, I know their names!
What's the difference?
They're both beautiful.

I don't believe
what I'm hearing.

You're judging a woman
by totally physical standards.

A great poet once said,
"Beauty is only skin deep."

Actually, we hadn't planned
on going much deeper than that.

Hemingway was right.

Men are animals.

Charles, men are animals.

So, can I bring Dina or Gina
over here to meet you tomorrow?

No, Buddy.
I have to study tomorrow.
Come on.

Maybe this will refresh
your libido.

I submit a photograph of ta-dah!
The DelFluvio sisters.

Buddy, look,
there aren't enough hours
in the day

for me to eat, sleep, study
and to meet these girls.

Now I hate to say it
but I'm--

Mmm...

I'm uh...
I'm gonna have
to give up sleeping.

Yes!

Hi, Buddy.
- Hi, Msr. Powell.
- Bye, Mrs. Powell.

Hi, Charles.
How was your day?

Oh, it was great!
Just a couple of small problems.

Kevin Holloway
pummeled Adam with eggs

and, uh, Mr. Powell
is giving Adam w*r lessons now.

Eggs?

w*r lessons?

Anything else, Charles?

Uh, Sarah's acting
a little strange.

How strange?

Well, last thing she said was,
"Men are animals."

Good!
Then, she's not
totally irrational.

Face it, Charles.
Men are animals.

Yeah,
but don't you kinda wonder
how Sarah found that out?

[knocking]

Hi.

Mom, if you came
to cheer Sarah up,

you are wasting your time.

Well, why would I wanna do
something like that?

She looks okay to me.

I think the embalmer
did a nice job.

Okay.
What's up?

Well today, Sarah and I
were in the cafeteria.

Lori Weston came over
and joined us...

but Sarah has been
depressed ever since.

So, what's wrong
with Lori Weston?

Nothing's wrong with her.

That's what's wrong with her!

It's bad enough
that she's all in my classes.

Now, she wants to be my friend
and hang out with me.

Oh, where are the police
when you really need them?

Mom, she attracts
large crowds of boys.

Having boys around
when I'm alone is embarrassing.

Having boys around
when I'm with Lori
is humiliating.

Lori is kinda gorgeous.

Sarah, everybody has assets
and liabilities.

Okay, so Lori Weston happens
to be beautiful, but--

Does she have a brain?

Top of the class, straight A's,

Honor Society.

Okay so, she's beautiful
and smart, but--

How nice is she?

She's the nicest, sweetest,
kindest person I've ever met.

Oh.

So, she's beautiful, smart,
popular and nice.

So, she seems
like she has everything.

But!
Does she have the decency
to feel guilty about it?

Probably.
[Mrs. Powell scoffs]

It's so unfair.

Lori's a living reminder
of all my shortcomings.

Do you understand, Mom?

Yes, Sarah.
I do understand.

You don't hate her.
You just hate yourself
for not being her.

I have something
that might help you.

I remember once,
when I was feeling insecure
and inferior.

I sat down
and I wrote everything
about myself that I liked.

Was that when you were my age?

No, it was last Thursday.

[♪♪]

[knocking]
Yeah!

Charles, what are you wearing?

Dina or Gina is on her way here.

You can't look like that.

Charles, I'm not here.

I assume you're speaking
metaphysically, Adam.
- Huh?

Well, in metaphysics,
none of us is here.

We only exist in a state
of spiritual perfection.

Not Richard Holloway!
He's in this state.

He's outside this house.

With a baseball bat!

Maybe he wants you
to come out and play.

Sure, but he wants me
to be the ball.

Richard Holloway
is Kevin's older brother.

He's 14, and he's practicing
to be Clint Eastwood.

I'll take care of this.

You gotta stand up
to guys like that, Adam.

When I was
in junior high school,

there is this Neanderthal kid
who used to terrorize me.

And, finally I said, "No more!"

Walked right up to him,
and said,

"Okay Fish-Face,
take a hike

or I'm gonna teach you
the blues."

What happened?
- He broke my thumb.

That's the end of that.

Thanks, Charles.
- You're welcome.

Did you belt him?
- No, I didn't belt him.

I did what
any decent philosopher would do.

I reasoned with him.

Well, what did you say?

I told him
if he lays a hand on you,

he'll regret it
for the rest of his life.

Hey, it was cute.

He said he was gonna tell
his brother on me.

He probably
meant his older brother...

... Herman.

Herman's 21.

You mean Herman Holloway's
this kid's older brother?

"Huge" Herman Holloway?

"Homicidal" Herman Holloway?

Herman "The Hit Man" Holloway?

Buddy, Buddy, look.

Uh, nicknames
don't mean anything.

Look at Boy George.

Now Adam.

Richard told me
that you wrote Kevin
a threatening letter.

Is that true?
- Yeah.

It just said,
"You won't know where.

You won't know when."

Pretty good, huh?

Don't you see
what's happening here?

You threatened Kevin, right?

So, he had to get
a bigger weapon,
his brother Richard.

Then you had
to get a bigger weapon...

Me!

Then Richard had
to get a bigger weapon,

his brother Herman.

So, what we have here
is an arms-race.

Charles,
I've seen Herman's arms.

The race is over.

Look, Adam, you can solve
this whole problem.

Why don't you sit down
with Kevin and talk it out.

Who knows, maybe you'll find
you have something in common.

We do have something in common.

We both hate each other.

But why?

Because he egged me!

But why did he egg you?

Because I--

Are you saying
this is all my fault?

No, Adam.
I'm saying that-that Kevin
may have started it,

but if you keep it going,
that's your fault.

Thanks a lot, Charles.
- Uh-huh.

No, Adam, come on--
- Charles,

if you run into Herman,
you're gonna need help.

Help from a friend
who's not afraid to get hurt.

And I want you to know,

I'm not that friend.

Will you stop this, Buddy?

This is child's stuff.
We're adults!

Now, if I happen
to run into Herman,

we'll just sit down
and talk it out, okay?

Talking and reasoning
happen to be what I do best,
you know.

Okay, whatever you say.

But you should get changed
because Dina

or Gina
will be here any minute.

[knocking]

Charles, hurry it up.
She's here.

Hey, Herman.

Remember me?

Buddy Lembeck, English 107.

It's good to see you.
Now so long!

I'm looking for a wimp
named Charles.

Oh, well, you must have
the wrong house.

The Wimps live two blocks over.

Are you trying to be funny,
Lembeck?

Yes!

Yes, I think the world
needs lots more humor,
don't you?

No, and I don't need some bully
picking on my kid brother.

[knocking]

Open it.

Hi, Freddy.

Hi, you must be Charles.

No, he's Herman.

It's not Freddy.
I'm Buddy.

I can't believe
you forgot my name.

Hi, I'm Gina DelFluvio.

Oh, you're Gina!
I knew that.

Hi.

Okay, Lembeck.

Where is he?

Sorry, Herman
but Charles isn't here.

He's not here?

Well, he will be here.

When?
- Yeah!

Oh, about ten minutes
after Herman leaves.

Hang on, Buddy!
I'll be out in a few minutes

Oh, he is too here.

Well, he's not gonna
be here for long,

because when he walks
through that door,

I'm gonna throw him
through this wall.

Oh, I get it.
You thought that
that was Charles' voice.

Yeah.

Amazing!

I mean, it could have been
anybody's voice

and yet,
you think that it was--

Hi, I'm Charles.

[♪♪]

[knuckle cracks]

[♪♪]

Hi, I'm Gina DelFluvio.

I've really looked forward
to meeting you, Charles.

So have I, Charles.

Hi, Gina.

And you must be
her sister, Dina.

No, no, no.

Charles!

In the galley.
On the double.

Will you excuse me,
for one minute?

How are ya?
- Hey.

I hope you're grateful,
Herman, because, uh,

that old man
just saved your life.

Saved my life?

Oh, you don't know
the-the "Charles Story" huh?

"Charles Story?"

Oh yeah, it all started
when uh...

Charles was kicked out
of the Hell's Angels
for unneccessary roughness.

You probably remember him
by his professional name, uh,

"Charlie Chainsaw."

Yeah, that's-that's
when he got into karate.

And uh,
he won 24 karate bouts

by sheer skill
and excessive brutality.

And then it happened.

What happened?

Well, Charles' violent nature
caught up with him and, um...

He went to prison.

[both]
Prison?

One year in Attica.

They had to keep him
in solitary confinement

to protect
the other prisoners.

The sad part is-is that...

Charles loves violence.

Oh, sure.
He's going to college,

trying to learn
a new career but, uh...

Breaking faces
is what he does best.

Charles, my grandson needs
to be able to defend himself!

attacked Pearl Harbor

because he knew
we were unprepared.

Well, Kevin
was certainly prepared
when Adam attacked him.

That's right!

Adam attacked Kevin?

That's right.
Excuse me.

My grandson?

Adam Yamamoto?

Sorry about that.
Well, so you're Gina.

Yes,
and this is Herman Holloway.

Herman,
hey, how's it going?

I was hoping you'd stop by.
[Herman scoffs]

You were?
- Yeah, we have something
to settle here.

Gina, will you excuse me
just one more time.

I promise
this won't take long.

Uh, what won't take long?

I think maybe
we should step outside and talk?

A-a-are you threatening me?

No, Herm.

"Step outside and talk"
is not a threat.

Now,
if I said to you,

"I'm gonna rip your lips off
and stuff them into your ears,"

that would be a threat.

Charles, don't do it.

Think of the consequences.

Buddy,
I'm-I'm just gonna go outside
and do what I do best.

So long, Herman.
I tried.

Forget it!
I'm not that dumb.

I'm not gonna
"Step outside and talk to you"

but I know someone who will.

Look, you guys.

I love my sister
and I don't want her dating

a violent-tempered,
face-breaking k*ller.

Heh!
Who would?

And I don't go out with people
whose friends are brutal,
blood-thirsty jail birds.

Why not?

Goodbye, Barney.

It's Buddy!

It's Buddy!

Thanks a lot, Charles.

[♪♪]

[door opens]

Yo, Pops.

I'm Hank Holloway
from down the block.

You got a grandson?

Yeah?

Karate champion?

Did some time in prison?

I don't think so.
He's 12, I would've noticed.

Then, you must have another kid.

Charles?

Charlie Chainsaw,
he calls himself?

Supposed to be a real k*ller.

He threatened to rip
my son Herman's lips off.

Wait a minute.

Charles threatened your son?

Yeah, yeah.

He scared him pretty bad too.

But he doesn't scare me.

I'm gonna chew him up
and spit him out.

Oh yeah?
Over my dead body.

It's okay by me.

But I better warn ya,

I was heavyweight champ
of the Seventh Fleet,

I never lost a fight.

Navy man, huh?
How long were you in?
- Ten years.

Ha!

You think you were in the Navy?
Ha!

Hey, Sarah.

I aced my Philosophy midterm.

Good.
Charles,

Mom asked me
to make a list of things
I liked about myself.

Oh yeah?
- Does it seem too egotistical?

I don't know.
Let's see.

"I like me
because I'm sensitive."
That's good.

"I love poetry and music."
That's good.

"I can eat
sushi without gagging."
[laughs]

I wouldn't call
that egotistical.

"And I like me
because I like Lori Weston."

Who's Lori Weston?

A girl I thought I didn't like,
but I do.

Well, that's very good.

But, you left out one thing.
Here.

"I like me because I'm-- "
No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.
- Yes!
- You think so?

Yeah,
I think you're beautiful.

But, I'm not.

Look at me.

I am looking at you.

Let me show you something.

See, Sarah,
looking at you...

is like...

... looking at a rosebud.

See, a rosebud
is small and fragile,
[♪♪]

and then it starts blooming.

And pretty soon,

it's a full-grown flower.

So, a rosebud is beautiful
for what it is...

and for what it's going to be.

And so are you.

Oh, come on.

You must be crazy.

Okay, everybody.
Hit the showers.

You too, Sarah.
Adam, take that
into the kitchen.

Okay.
- We're all going out
to dinner tonight.

Sarah, my troubles are over.

I found the lip gloss
to go with my raspberry sweater.

Oh, good.

That should end world hunger.

Lighten up, Sarah.

You can't solve
anybody's problems
if you're not color-coordinated.

Charles?
You really think so?

I know so.

Crazy.

Adam, make sure
you put on a clean shirt.

Oh, and has anyone
seen Grandpa Powell?

He's in the kitchen,
talking to some man privately.

Oh, Mom.

Can Kevin sleep over tonight?

Kevin Holloway?

Wait a minute!

I thought you guys
were mortal enemies.

We were.

But you told me
to make friends with him.

So I did.

Isn't that what you wanted?

Yeah, that's terrific, Adam.

I just don't know how thrilled
your grandfather's gonna be.

Oh, he liked the idea.

He said
he didn't appreciate people
calling me "Yoko Ono."

Yamamoto.

That too.

Well,
I am really proud of you, Adam.

There is too much hate
in the world.

We all need to love each other
just a little more.

I know.

Kevin and I
started talking and...

You were right, Charles.

We do have something in common.
- Good.

We both hate David Wetzel.

Upstairs, come on.

Clean mind, clean body,
clean shirt.

I'll take any two of the three.

[knocking]
Yeah, come in!

Oh, Charles!
We have to talk.

No, Buddy.
You have to talk.

What went on here this morning?

[Mr. Powell laughing]
Now that's funny!

Oh, that was something.
It's great talking to you,
Wally.

I'll see you Friday.

All right.
Anchors aweigh, baby.

[laughing]

Charlie Chainsaw, huh?

They let you out of Attica,
did they?
- What?

Good strategy
convincing Herman

you were a homicidal maniac,
a karate champion.

Brilliant!

I never said that.

Charlie Chainsaw.

[laughs]

Buddy,
in diplomacy,

honesty is the best policy.

Well, what if
a guy's punching your face?

Well then, insurance
is the best policy.

I could've talked
to Herman out of it.

Not without your mouth.

Little eggs can create big wars.

I hate eggs and I hate wars.

But most of all,

I hate striking out
with the DelFluvio sister
of my choice.

Charles, I fixed that!

I told Gina the truth.

She and her sister
are waiting for us
at Sid's Pizza.

Oh, that's great, Buddy.

You know, a lot of women
don't like homicidal maniacs.

I don't like homicidal maniacs.

I know,
you hate violence.

That's right,
but I love reason,
honesty, and logic.

I think you're right, Charles.

And even if it means you'll take
a severe beating,

I'm gonna tell Herman I lied.

You do that pal,
and I'll break every bone
in your body.

Oh, yeah?
[Charles shouts]

[♪♪]

Evening, ladies.

Oh, hot date.
Huh, Charles?

Who was the lucky girl?

Her name was Dina DelFluvio.

You like her?
- Yeah, sure.

What do you like about her?

Well, I like her
'cause she's um...

Does the word "promiscuous"
ring a bell?

It's in my history lesson.

"The middle ages were marked
by promiscuous violence."

It's okay, Charles.

If you don't know what it means,
I'll go ask Mom.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

♪ Charles in charge
of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in Charge
of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing,
I want ♪

♪ I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪

[fanfare]