02x06 - Manly Boys

[bunniefuu]

-[♪ tense music playing]
-[Max and Seven Sugar chattering]

-[Seven] Shut up.
-[c*ck g*n]

[indistinct conversation]

Sorry, Max. It's not me,

it's you.

[tapping]

-[whispering] What?
-[whispering] Hey, don't do it.

-What are you two doing here?
-Preventing you from doing

something stupid that's
gonna bring us all down.

Yeah, Matthew called us and told us
everything that happened.

[Lucky scoffs]

sh*t! He's gone.

-Come on, we gotta go.
-Not before I k*ll that piece of sh*t.

We'll figure it out.

This is not the way, and you know it.

[sighing] f*ck.

[Mir] Can you guys hear my heartbeat?

-[panting] I feel electric right now.
-Did you do coke?

I did a tremendous amount of cocaine,

and it is the best I've ever felt
in my entire life.

He's having so much fun. I love it.

Let me hold your g*n.

-Come on. Let's get outta here.
-[Lucky] Go, go, go.

-I got the golf course. Yeah.
-Good for you.

And Ahmad died.
Raj's name is in the clear.

We should dance!

[♪ funky upbeat music playing]

-[g*n c*ck]
-[g*nshots]

[b*llet shells clinking]

[wet wiping]

-[staffers chattering]
-[office phones ringing]

[sighs] We've gotta get the Dars.

I know they have something to do
with Saeed Ahmad's death.

Which death?

-[Chadwater] [scoffs] Very funny.
-[whispers] Two.

They were supposed to send me
somebody from Special Ops.

I'm calling the Chief of Police.

I wouldn't do that.

The Chief is done with
your personal crusade against the Dars.

That's why they sent me.

You get caught in one orgy
at a strip club. [sighs]

Oh, so they're humoring me?

Well, the joke's gonna be on them when
we nab the biggest drug lords in town.

[Carl] Well, we're gonna have to, sir.

We're down in every demographic,
especially women.

Some of 'em are even planning to vote
for f*ck Me Felon as a write-in candidate.

Oh, with the "f*ck Me Felon." f*ck me!

I got a flat white.

-That's me.
-And a warm pretzel slathered in mustard.

Yum.

Hey, do you have t*ts for brains?

No. Yes?

Were you going through my files?

Because I found these hairs
in my file cabinet.

-That--
-These are your greasy ringlets.

[gulps] It must have been
from when I was tidying up your desk.

No, you were snooping.

Trust has been broken.

You're fired.

[sobbing] Please, sir, I beg you!

-Do not touch my face!
-Please, please!

Dino! Pull it together.

[♪ tense percussive music playing]

[sobbing loudly]

[door slamming]

[screaming] f*ck!

[Chadwater] As I was saying,

I'm gonna get the Dars once and for all.

And I know I've said that before,

but this time is different.

This time we have...

Max Sugar.

Carl, you're fired. I wanted to say it.

Man!

Stand-up career taking off, anyway.

I don't need this bullshit.

[door slamming]

[screaming] f*ck!

He does, like, an evening of characters.

[inhaling]

You know, I always had a bad feeling
about Max in my gut.

[exhales] No, you did not.

Hey, let's not fight. That's exactly what
Max would want us to be doing.

[inhaling deeply]

♪♪

[continues inhaling]

[exhaling slowly]

Men beg you to open your heart

-just to rip it out.
-[front door opening]

-[yells]
-[bowl shattering]

[chuckles] Oh. The g*ng's all here.

Aren't you supposed to be
at a staff meeting?

The bad news is, I was fired.

-Oh.
-What's the good news?

Uh, there is no good news.

There's worse news.

Chadwater fired me
before I could learn what he knows

about us or his plans to destroy us

or before I could make
any meaningful work relationships.

[screaming] f*ck!

[plate shatters]

-[Lucky] [sighs] That was Hermès.
-Don't throw things!

[Lucky] f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

[crying] I failed you, Chief Saab!

[g*n clicking]

-What the hell?
-Grant me the mercy of death! [sobbing]

-What the hell is wrong with you?
-He does this all the time.

Oh! Let go!

-God!
-Thank you.

Get off of me!

You know what this means? Hmm?

Who knows what Max
could have told Chadwater?

[♪ dramatic music playing]

-Jawnie, whoa!
-Woo!

Baba's dream, our future, all secure!

They could come get us at any minute!

Yeah, we're f*cked.

They'll know everything about us.
Everything!

We'd have to shut down
our entire operation!

[sighs]

[screams]

[continues screaming]

[wailing]

What octave is that?

[screaming stops]

I got it.

We're gonna take Chadwater
and Max down...

-[grunts]
-Oh, God.

...with one b*llet.

Alright. You are never smoking
my weed again.

[Lucky] Honey, I'm home.

[Max] Lucky!

What a surprise.

[switch blade clicks]

Knife play.

Alright. I like it.

-What's our safe word?
-Chadwater?

Don't love it. Uh, how 'bout "banana"?

You can stop the sh*t.

I know you're working with Chadwater
and that you staged the deli robbery.

Panic mode. Tony?

-[clicking panic button]
-Tony! Tony!

No, I told Tony we needed
some private time,

so he went to Dave and Buster's.

Oh, he's gonna be off the grid for hours.

-[Lucky] Mm.
-He's addicted to Skee-Ball.

Alright. I arranged the deli thing.

I... I just wanted your business.
That's it.

I wasn't counting
on falling in love, Lucky.

You played me.

No one plays me.

Now tell me what you told Chadwater,

or this knife becomes your dildo.

All he knows is my part in it.

That's it.

Just the laundering at the casino.

I didn't want to turn you in.

They made it so that it was
between you and Seven.

You know how I am about Seven.

Seven's got bigger problems
than Andrew Chadwater.

Where the f*ck is my daughter?!

[Matthew] Uh, can we just run
over the plan one more time?

We need to use Seven as bait

to get her dad to help us
sabotage Chadwater.

What don't you get about that?

Yeah, stop overthinking it, Matthew. Okay?

And if you need us,
we're gonna be right here in the car,

you know, somewhere else.

What? I'm doing this part by myself?!

Do you really think it'd be better
if two brown guys went in that house

and captured a young white woman?

I wouldn't touch this
with a ten-foot PR firm. Think!

And don't question the Chief Saabs!

I'm sorry, man, we really need you, buddy.

Come on.

[gulps] Okay.

[inhales sharply] I will not let you down,
Chief Saabs.

-Yeah.
-I really love you guys.

Hey, I love you back.

Mm-hmm. Thank you.

Okay. Okay!

You got this, Jedediah!

-Alright, let's get the f*ck out of here.
-Let's get the f*ck outta here.

[Mir] Honestly, I think
he looks better Amish.

Hope he doesn't die.

[engine revving]

[knocking]

[♪ percussive music playing]

Top of the evening, Sister Seven.

[chuckles] The name's Jedediah.

Your papa sent me to protect you
from any evil afoot.

Ugh.

You know, I'm actually in the middle
of a New Girl marathon.

Could you wait outside?

Oh, how I wished
to have watched television

but a once in my life.

You're a rebellious little Amish boy,
aren't you?

[chuckling] Guess I'm sort of like
the bad boy in my village.

[laughing]

[sighs] You know what?
I really need to pack for France.

But... you can come in.

-Oh.
-[Seven] Yeah.

-Come on in.
-Thank you. Thanks.

Would you like a coffee?

Ooh, what is coffee?

I've only ever had milk
from Esther, my cow.

[Max] You're sick

and not in the way I used to like.

Oh.

[sing-songy]
♪ You want to k*ll me ♪

I know you hate me. I understand.

I am begging you.

Please, please don't hurt her.

She's just a kid.

You follow my instructions...

[♪ tense music playing]

...or I'll do worse than hurt her.

I didn't have a choice.

Shut up, traitor!

-[clattering]
-[grunts]

Lucky, I didn't mean for it
to turn out this way.

Hey, you wanna tell them

how you wanted me to abandon them for you?

-[scoffs]
-He said you two were bringing me down.

[gasps]

[Mir] Pitting us against each other.

Classic divide-and-conquer move.

Just like the British did with
India and Pakistan.

-f*ck you!
-[clattering]

It wasn't a move.
I just couldn't stand you two.

Us two?

I thought you just hated him
and admired my work ethic.

-He's doing it again!
-Oh!

-I can't believe I bought your magazine!
-Ow!

Listen up, Judas Brutus.

Here's the plan.

You're going to invite Chadwater
to your office,

and you're going to say...

-[mouthing]
-..."I know how you can bust the Dars."

[Mir] And he'll yell
some dumb sh*t like...

-[mouthing]
-[Raj] "Get to it, Sugar.

I have anger issues
because of my tiny p*nis."

[Lucky] " They drop their dirty money
at the casino every week.

You can link it to their drug empire."

[Raj] " Yeah! Let's go bust drug dealers

while banks and corporations ravage
the middle class."

-And then...
-[Lucky] When he finally thinks

he has us cornered and he has his win,

that's when we get
that arrogant loudmouth.

Oh, we are gonna play him like a sitar.

[both mimicking sitar sounds]

So, you think you can turn a sting
to get you arrested...

into a sting to get the DA

of Philadelphia arrested?

Yeah, we do. f*ck you!

[Max] There's no way that goes wrong.

[Seven] In the next episode,

Winston tries to find
a girlfriend for his cat.

Ooh, I loveth that one. [chuckles]

You told me you've never seen TV before.

I haven't. Just saying

I love the idea of the spirit
of what you're talking about.

Um... [clears throat]
Hey! Well, I have an idea.

Do you wanna see
a traditional-style Amish dance?

No, thank you.

It's customary that I show you,
because we are now friends.

-[laughing, clears throat]
-Oh.

[♪ percussive music playing]

[exhales sharply]

Once the sun rises over the last mountain,

methinks it's time for chores.

A cow. Oh, mine cow from my family.

A pet will give him milk.

And once the milk is collected,
I know it is time for rest.

Haha! And the dance is over

once Papa has got his oats. [chuckles]

You know, I miss the woman I was
when I hadn't seen that.

[TV continues playing softly]

She was perfect.

♪♪

Once we see the Dars enter with the money,
we bust in there

and we catch 'em red-handed.

You know this entire operation of yours
is nowhere near proper protocol?

You got caught having sex
with multiple orifices in a strip club.

We do this right,
we're both back on top, loser.

[♪ "g*ons" by Hanumankind
and Maxo Kream playing]

♪ The ones in the room
you assume are a problem ♪

Max.

Hey, why don't you guys take off?

♪ Don't know, never knew how we function ♪

-♪ So baby, what's the deal? ♪
-[kiss smacking]

♪ Hit them with the Boomshakalaka ♪

-♪ Have 'em running to the chopper ♪
-[kiss smacking]

♪ Get the tools out the locker... ♪

It's a lot.

-[doors banging]
-[Chadwater] Freeze,

you drug-dealing criminals!

You've been caught.

-Oh, no, it's the Five-oh!
-[Mir] What?

This is not the end of our line.

-No!
-My worst nightmare.

At last, the g*ng's all here.

[Raj] Andrew Chadwater.

I figured you'd never catch us.

Putting you scum in jail is just another
perfect field goal for the Chadski.

Pew! Thanks for the assist, Max.

-[Lucky] What?
-What?

You're working with Max?

No. No. What?

Yeah. You should probably
break up with him.

He's been a bad boy.

Whoa!

You know, Chadwater,

I didn't think you were this smart.

-At all.
-Especially since everyone knows

you got lucky with the Joey Tomatoes case.

[scoffs] You don't know
what you're talking about.

Google Joey Tomatoes.

It's too risky to pull a frame job
like the one I did on Joey Tomatoes.

I told you about that, right?

Whoa-oh-oh! Don't get so aggro.

You know, everybody saw the news.

We know that the cops found
the m*rder weapon inside the car.

We know you didn't do sh*t.

There is absolutely no shame
in being a basic b*tch

-who can't get the job done right.
-[Raj] Mm-mm.

[Lucky] Everyone here knows
losers like you.

I was the mastermind behind putting
Joey Tomatoes behind bars for good!

I planted the g*n in his g*dd*mn car!

[Raj gasps]

You framed him?

[groaning exhale]

I thought you were the one
government dude that wasn't corrupt.

Pl-- I'm not corrupt.

The world is corrupt.

So, if I occasionally need to frame

a lowlife to win a case, I do it.

This filthy city needs a hero, and I'm he.

-Excuse me.
-Yeah.

-How do I look?
-[Mir] Incredible.

-What are you doing?
-I just want to see

how I look on the camera

that just caught you admitting
to framing someone.

[Raj] Yeah, quick question.
Um, just wondering,

how does it feel to get f*cked
by the f*ck Me Felon?

Unh!

Say hi. You're on the you're-my-b*tch cam.

[sighs] You're bluffing.

Oh, no, they're not bluffing.

You're a textbook blowhard.

You just couldn't help yourself,
could you?

Well, it was painful to watch.

You know what? I think it might be time
to call the actual police.

I have never said those words
in my entire life.

-But that feels good. Felt natural, yeah.
-Wow. Wow!

Oh, I'm fudged.

I'm fudged right in the ashtray!

Oh, you people are spicy demons.

-[Raj scoffs]
-What the hell was that?

That was racially charged.

Anyone can be spicy!

Well, I think my work is done here.

And I believe we are even,
so I will see you later.

Oh, Max,

we're not even.

And you're not done here.

Yeah, you sneaky silver f*ck.

We're only on part one.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[whispers] Part two.

If I had to guess,

you don't want to spend any time in jail,

do you, Andy?

With this bum?

No, I'll be torn apart in minutes.

And if I had to guess,

you want to arrest a drug kingpin
to get you elected.

Is that right, Andy?

[sighs] Well, I mean that was the idea.

But now I'm back to square one.

Well, what if I told you you were standing

right in front
of Philly's biggest drug lord?

-I don't understand.
-Yeah, I'm lost, too.

Walk with me.

Now, over here, you will find

Max's pallet of cocaine.

[grunts]

[chuckles] Take a look.

What the heck?

-This wasn't part of the plan.
-Yeah, it is.

It's the part that you didn't know about.

How does that feel?

Max Sugar is the real Jawnie King.

[gasps] I'm shocked.

This is obviously a setup.

-[Lucky chuckles]
-I'm not a drug kingpin.

Look, we're both intelligent people.

I'm a little smarter
'cause I went to Drexel.

-But...
-Mm.

...between the drugs here in his casino
and the dossier,

I think you have more than enough
to make an arrest.

So, I arrest him
and nobody sees that video?

Chadwater, come on.

Chad. [scoffs] What? Me?

What-- What are you--

-[stammering]
-[mimicking stammering]

-We made a deal!
-To quote you, Max,

"Loyalty-schmoyalty."

I'm in.

[Raj] Ugh! That's such a good line.

-That's quite a handshake.
-Mm-hmm.

-[all shouting]
-He's got a g*n, he's got a g*n.

-No.
-I'm not gonna be framed!

-Get away from my brother!
-Put that g*n down!

How about I m*rder your almost son
right here in front of you?

-[c*ck g*n]
-[Lucky] No!

[Max] Gimme that tape or he's dead.

-Get back!
-[Raj whimpers]

Yeah!

-[yells]
-[groans]

-[♪ dramatic music playing]
-[both grunting]

-[Lucky yells]
-[Max screams]

[groaning]

You betrayed me.

You're betraying me right now.

[Lucky] You betrayed me first!

The g*n.

[g*nsh*t]

-[debris clatters]
-sh*t!

[Chadwater] That's enough!

Max Sugar, you're under arrest
for possession of narcotics.

[♪ upbeat percussive music playing]

You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will...

Yada, yada, yada. You get it.

-No one cares.
-Yes!

-You played me.
-You played me, first.

We both lost.

You played me more.

But in the game, we're both losers,
and you know it.

Give me the dignity of having
the last word. Thank you.

Have fun in jail.

[Chadwater] Get him outta here!

Come on.

Bye-bye.

Looks like you might get a conviction
after all, Chadwater.

Well, I'm not a shoo-in
for the election anymore.

The Eff Me Felon over here really effed
my chances of winning.

-[Raj chuckles]
-Well, we got a plan for that,

don't we, Raj?

[Lucky] if you promise
to stay out of our way.

What's up, Philly? I'm Raj.

Most of you might know me
as the f*ck Me Felon.

But to me, he's the Forgive Me Friend.

People can change and become
the best versions of themselves.

And when they do,

-I say we should reward them.
-Thanks, Raj.

-Spicy!
-Not really.

And that is why I am
officially endorsing Andrew Chadwater

as mayor!

[crowd cheering]

Say, "Heck No" to drugs!

Say, "Heck Yes" to halal!

[all cheering]

♪ Boyz II Men, A B C, B B D ♪

-Whoo!
-[Chadwater laughing]

I'm Andrew Chadwater,
and I approve this message.

-[gate unlocking]
-[prison buzzer blares]

What are you doing here?

Came here to gloat?

You look sexy in a jumpsuit.

Almost makes me regret putting you here.

Do you?

You crossed the wrong girl.

And you really should not have left Danyal

with power of attorney over the casino.

Oh, how about we go to that place
where we had our first kiss?

You know, that was a--

Sign the f*cking papers,
[speaking Urdu].

Okay, okay.

[scoffs] Danyal.

It's doing better than ever
under new ownership.

Good.

Well... [tapping table]

I should go, I guess.

You know, I did just come here to gloat.

And to see if Seven is doing okay
in Paris.

She wrote and said that
her "Franch" is going really good.

I'm glad she hasn't abandoned you.

[sighs] You would have made
a great stepmother.

Being an auntie is
more than enough for me.

Goodbye, Max.

We'll meet again. The game's not over.

[♪ "City of Stars" by Moo$h
and Wavmage playing]

[♪ epic music playing]

[laughing]

Amazing. Hey, do me one favor.

Let's get an Andar Bahar table
in the high rollers area.

And go ahead and give them broke b*tches
a little bit of Ludo.

No, no. Trust me,
it's better than blackjack.

Listen to me. My brother wants
to sell in that market,

that's where we're going.

Hey, I set a meeting with Mr. Abedi
for tomorrow. You good?

-Jawnies in Lahore?
-Jawnies in f*cking Lahore!

-f*ck, yeah.
-I'll see you tomorrow at our golf course.

Vah, vah, vah.

Love to see two Chief Saabs

running one tight ship.

[speaking Urdu]

We're just doing what you taught us
with slightly less bullying.

And I got Chadwater under control.

The new clubhouse at the golf course
is incredible.

It's so sexy.

And, you know, he's just doing that
to get married, right?

-We all know this?
-[Lucky chuckles]

Shipments are running smoothly.

We renovated the f*ck
out of Max's old office,

and now you have enough time
to finally go on that trip.

[Lucky] Mm.

Thanks, beta, but I'm right here
where I want to be.

And here, have this.

I could tell you idiots
skipped lunch, again.

-So...
-Ooh. Keema sandwich?

-You made mine with no peas though, right?
-[Lucky] Wrong.

You need the fiber, or else--

-[Raj] And mine has peas, right?
-[Mir] Alright.

This is mostly just peas.

[Lucky] Just eat it. [speaking Urdu]

-Somebody sent you a gift.
-[Lucky] Oh.

We have too many gifts, man. What is it?

-It's a pie.
-Take it back.

-Or you know what? You keep it.
-Oh, thanks. [chuckles]

Here, it's the card.

Why are you giving this to me?

I don't know.
You're good at reading, I guess.

"Congrats on your recent success.

Now I'm coming for my piece of the pie."

Oh, that's funny.

-"From the eldest Dar"?
-[Mir] Huh?

[Raj] [voice muffled] I'm the eldest Dar.
Mir, did you do this?

[Matthew gagging, coughing]

Don't eat that!

[groans, chokes]

[♪ "City of Stars" by Moo$h
and Wavmage playing]

f*ck!

♪ It's for the city ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ This for the City of Stars ♪

♪ Together we're taking it far ♪

♪ We let it play out the car ♪

♪ Look how we leading the charge ♪

♪ You know how Philly get down ♪

♪ You know how Philly get down,
how Philly get down ♪

♪ Hey, you know how Philly get down ♪

♪ You know how Philly get down,
how Philly get down ♪

♪ They know we still in the field ♪

♪ They know we sealing the deal ♪

♪ But, like, I play for the feels ♪

♪ They know we do it for real ♪

-♪ You know how Philly get down ♪
-♪ You know how Philly get down ♪

-♪ How Philly get down ♪
-♪ Yeah, you know how Philly get down ♪

♪ You know how Philly get down,
how Philly get down ♪

♪ Hey, now I can rock a suit and tie ♪

♪ Like I work on Wall Street ♪

♪ I'm always at the game ♪

♪ Probably live on Broad Street ♪

♪ We just knock 'em out the park
even when that wall steep ♪

♪ If we say it, then we mean it
even if they talk cheap ♪

-♪ Yeah, the City of Stars ♪
-♪ Whoo! ♪

-♪ Together we're taking it far ♪
-♪ Philly! ♪

♪ We let it play out the car ♪

♪ Look how we leading the charge ♪

♪ You know how Philly get down ♪

♪ You know how Philly get down,
how Philly get down ♪

♪ Hey, you know how Philly get down ♪

♪ You know how Philly get down,
you know how Philly get down ♪

♪ They know we still in the field ♪

♪ They know we sealing the deal ♪

♪ But, like, I play for the feels ♪

♪ They know we do it for real ♪

-♪ You know how Philly get down ♪
-♪ You know how Philly get down ♪

-♪ You know how Philly get down ♪
-♪ Whoo! ♪

♪♪

[♪ fanfare playing]

♪♪