02x02 - Stealthy Boys

[bunniefuu]

[ticking]

This is how it works.

[clanging]

Hey!

[♪ "squabble up"
by Kendrick Lamar playing]

[zipper buzzes]

[♪ "squabble up" continues playing]

The Maaliks make their drop-offs
at the deli every Thursday.

Go around the back, Chutiya.

♪ It makes me dance ♪

Then, the boys will bring
your dirty money here.

It's very important
that they act like losers

who think they're hot sh*t.

Hello, hello.

Chip me, Daddy!

[Max] They're not here to gamble.

They will pretend to gamble.

♪ Hol' up ♪

Hello, hello!

♪ Where you from? ♪

-Woo!
-[crowd cheering]

Mm! Mm! Mm!

Aaah!

♪ I'm finna go dumb ♪

[Max] After a couple hours,
they bring back their chips

without getting any money.

-And then this is the good part.
-Woo!

Say hi to your wife for me.

[laughing] Oh! He f*cked your wife.

[Max] Once I have your money,
the casino pays that same amount

to your fake corporation
for your fake services.

♪ Work on the floor,
let me know if you clockin' it... ♪

[Max] And now you can finally use
that money to open credit cards

and bank accounts.

Real estate, cars, whatever you want.

[Lucky] It's that simple?

I work the same magic
with The Odessa Syndicate,

Jake Paul, Papa John.

[Lucky] sl*t.

Mm.

We're in the Sugar Palace, baby.

-We're doing it.
-[laughing]

Hey, Samir. Hi, Roger.

-Oh, it's ac--
-H-- Hi.

-Hey.
-Hey.

-You're just in time for the big moment.
-Oh, great.

Lucky...

-Oh.
-Oh.

I would be the happiest man in the world

-if I could call you...
-Oh.

...Chief Executive Officer...

-Yes!
-...of a fake corporation.

"Luck Now Entertainment"?

A shell corporation.

This is every girl's dream.

[chuckles] And I'm a nasty b*tch.

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

-[metal card clinking]
-This is a freaking Amex Centurion!

Roger, do you have anything to say?

Samir, I do.

We have arrived, m*therf*ckers!

[Mir giggling]

-Oh!
-Mm.

Ah! Mwah. Mwah.

-Alright, come on.
-Come on!

-Let's...
-Yes! Business.

[♪ funky upbeat music playing]

[g*nshots]

[b*llet shells clinking]

[wet wiping]

[crowd applauding]

Crime is on the rise in Philly.

And... [scoffs] forgive my language,

but that really steams my clams.

-[crowd murmuring]
-I pledge to clean up the cesspools.

-[cheering and applause]
-Bye-bye. Yeah.

Starting with that den of iniquity,

the Sugar Palace Casino.

-Boo!
-[crowd] Boo!

Boo, Sugar Palace.

[all booing]

And I'm gonna take that passion

to the next level

as your... next... mayor!

-[♪ upbeat music playing]
-[cheering and applause]

-[screams]
-Oh, my God.

[Chadwater groaning]

-[continues groaning]
-[attendee 1] Is he okay?

-[attendee 2] Oh, my God!
-I'm okay!

[cheering and applause]

-That box is fired.
-[Safia] Mm-hmm.

-You got it?
-I-I got it.

You got it.

Isn't she great?

[cheering and applause continues]

Somebody find out her name.

[laughter]

-sh*t!
-What?

That lubeless condom Chadwater

just pledged to shut down the casino.

[Mir sighs]

Max, I'm so sorry, man.

That really sucks for you.

Sucks for us, Jahil!

He literally just started
laundering money for us.

If he goes down, we go down.

You know, I've been dealing
with these City Hall types

my whole career.

In fact, there's one right here.

-[Mir laughing]
-Wow.

Councilman Walsh,
are you in my pocket? Hmm.

I got this.

Ah, it's nice to have
a reliable partner for once.

-That's so mean.
-I get it.

[muffled chattering]

[♪ tense dramatic music playing]

District Attorney Chadwater.
I'm Max Sugar.

I know who you are, Mr. Sugar.
How'd you get into my office?

There's always a back door
in Philadelphia.

And, uh, I'm a back-door man.

Ha ha!

Are you flirting with me?

'Cause I'll sue you for sexual harassment.

He's got an appointment.

[Max] Yeah, it came
through Schafer's office.

The Governor is a good friend.

You trying to intimidate me?

No.

I'm inspired by your pledge
to clean up Philadelphia.

I just want to help.

I could make donor calls.

Right? Let's see here.

-[dial pad clacking]
-Dial nine...

You don't have to dial nine.

[clacking continues]

It's just a phone.

Hi, I'm looking for Ms. Chavez.

It's not even plugged in.

Uh, yes, I'm with, uh,
Andrew Chadwater's campaign.

-What?
-Okay.

You want to donate $50,000. Wow!

Oh, he's lovely.
He's right here, actually.

Nice tie. Nice watch.

Okay, I got it.

Another $100,000?!

-[Chadwater grunting, clears throat]
-Hi!

Oh, you're a little kid,
and you want to donate five dollars?

-I-I'm sure these aren't real calls.
-Yeah, I know that.

We'll get right back to you.

That's a lot.

I think if I keep answering
these real calls,

I could get up to $200,000.

-[Chadwater scoffs]
-[phone hangs up]

I can help you.

[Mir] This golf deal has to go through
before Chadwater gets to the casino.

Otherwise, Baba's legacy will die,
and DarCo will be done.

[Raj] I get that, but how does this place
not trigger the sh*t out of you, man?

[Mir] 'Cause I'm focused, okay?
We have to get this deal done.

Alright, game faces. Here he comes.

Is that him? Hold up.

Is he... Is he white? What color is that?

What do you mean, is he white?
His name is Reza Talai.

Did you not get any of the messages
I sent you about this?

Raj, can you please just go to the bar?
You're gonna blow this.

Don't tell me what to do, man.

What up, players!

-[Mir] Hey, there he is.
-My man.

I have decided that
I'm gonna be at the bar.

-Thank you.
-Thank you!

-Pounds all around.
-Woo!

-Ooh, nice glove.
-This old thing?

-[laughing]
-Look, I got your email. Let's walk.

-[Lucky] Mm!
-Sure.

[Reza] You sure you can make
all the improvements you're promising?

That sh*t takes a lot of capital.

We're minting more money
than these assholes.

[chuckles] Chill.
The deal makes sense to me,

but I need permission from the board
just to wipe my a*s.

My folks don't trust my judgment

since I got that ship stuck
in the Suez Canal.

That was you?

You guys don't really fit
the profile of this place.

That's why we came to you.

A Persian family buying a golf course

-in the 1980s--
-Bro!

[whispering] Chill with that sh*t.

Around here, my name is Rizzo.

They still think my family's Italian.

-[chuckling] Okay, I get that.
-[Lucky laughs awkwardly]

-My white name's Peter.
-[muttering] Um, no.

-And listen, Rez-- Rizzo.
-Peter.

We are very motivated
to close this deal, okay?

We're willing to offer you
double the appraiser's estimate.

-Cash.
-That'll work.

And we sweeten the pot, you know,

if you can get the board
to look past our "profile."

Let me go run it up the flag-hole.

As long as you guys
are upstanding citizens,

-we should be able to get this done.
-[Lucky] Oh.

Are you kidding?
You're looking at us. Clean.

-Clean. I went to Drexel University.
-[Lucky] Mm.

-Clean as a whistle.
-I'll B-I-T. "Be in touch."

-Oh.
-Pound it, dawgs.

[laughs] I'm gonna use that.
I'll see you on the links!

You guys aren't gonna believe this.

-Ahmad just sent me a video.
-What?

-No, no, no, not here. Not here.
-[Lucky] That p*ssy-a*s...

Hello, coke wh*res, and Mir.

Word on the street is you two idiots
are somehow doing quite well.

That's my money!

I know where all the bodies are buried.

[chuckles] And I would love
to expose your asses.

-f*ck!
-[Ahmad] But...

I'm willing to refrain from doing that.

If you bring me a million dollars
to the garage at WAWA

-in Fishtown tomorrow.
-Oh!

Seven f*cking p.m.

That son of a b*tch.

Look, guys, we have
to figure this out, okay?

The board's already on the fence about us.

If they find out about Ahmad,
they're gonna k*ll the deal.

Okay, just when I get your lives sorted,

this little piece of Tatti
tries to squirm up our asses.

Here we go. Watch this.

-[keypad clacking]
-"Deal. We'll pay you the money."

No! We're not gonna give
that traitor a million dollars.

Are you crazy?

Oh, yeah.

-We're gonna k*ll this m*therf*cker!
-What the f*ck!

-[all shouting]
-[Raj imitating g*nf*re]

[♪ percussive music playing]

Let me tell you a little story, Mr. Sugar.

When I was the first...

Just...

-[staffers chattering]
-[office phones ringing]

When I was the first openly g*y
Polish-American kicker

in Penn State history,
an assistant coach told me

I could make 50K

if I "missed a field goal
in the fourth quarter."

Well, I hope you took it. [chuckles]

Andrew Wiznewski Chadwater
cannot be bought!

-Ooh.
-So, tell all your power broker friends

that I'm gonna find
their smoke-filled rooms,

and I'm gonna open a window.

There's the door.

I know where the door is.

[sighs]

[♪ percussive music playing]

No, the second door.
The glass door. Just...

-[staffer] Woo!
-[applause]

Woo!

[Safia] That's right.

Thanks, everybody. Just part of the job.

-[staffers] Yeah.
-[Safia sighs]

None of your phones are out.

No one's gonna post this?!

Yeah. What?

Safia, you're fired!

You think I do all of this
just to hear your fat flippers flapping?

[scoffs]

[blows raspberry]
I'm sorry. My mom's in town.

Dino, get in here!

Why didn't you tell me you have a mole?

I got us.

-Matthew.
-What's up?

I'm Dino Manzukes.
I go to Temple University.

I'm an intern for Andrew Chadwater.

-Woo!
-[applause]

Isn't there a ball filled with
peanut butter you should be licking?

Safia, you're fired!

You know, I wake up and I don't remember
if I'm Matthew or Dino.

Um, I had a professor back
at Emerson College, Mr. McGowan,

who really taught me that
if you dream in character,

you can't fail.

I had no idea he was such a good actor.

Thank you. [softly chuckles]

There is some bad news.

Oh, yeah. After you left...

Can I help you down
from your shining city on a hill?

-[staffers chattering]
-[office phones ringing]

We had a hunch before,
but now we know for sure

that Max is in bed with those scumbags.

[exhales sharply]
We got to get up in his guts

before he covers his tracks.

I want a seizure warrant.

-[sighs]
-[Lucky] The good news is,

now that we have Dino,

we're gonna know every move
that Chadwater makes.

I have never dated an equal before.

Not ever.

My last girlfriend
didn't know what "adjacent" meant.

My ex-boyfriend robbed me,
and now I keep his ba*ls as a paperweight.

[chuckles]

I know this is all happening so fast,

but I can see a future for us.

We could do really bad things together.

Do you want to do
really bad things right now?

To Chadwater, or to me?

[soft moaning]

Do I have your consent
to unbutton your pants?

-Yes.
-[pants rustling]

Do I have your consent
to unbutton your jacket?

You do.

♪♪

[whip cracking]

[♪ techno music playing]

[whip cracks]

Raj, what in the RRR is this bullshit?

Check it out, dude, it's an Urumi.

Some ancient homemade sword-whip thingies.

-I made it myself.
-Oh, my God.

Hey, Lucky Auntie,
murdering Ahmad is his thing.

Like, I don't have to come to this, right?

You two, you have to do this alone, okay?

-W-w-wait, you're not coming with us?
-We can do it.

You can do this.
You have your brother with you, Bacche.

But you love sh**ting things.
That's kinda like your thing.

You have to learn how
to do things without me.

Okay?

-Okay.
-Okay.

Remember what your Baba said.
Watch each other's backs.

Bring Ahmad's head for me
so I can take a piss on it.

And no matter what...

have fun.

[♪ electronic percussion music playing]

Let's go get some new weapons.

The razors are starting
to fall off on that thing.

Yeah. I'd like to go shopping.
I need new clothes anyway.

Yeah. You look LMC.

Lower middle class?!

I'm wearing a quarter-zip.
Watch your mouth.

-[Raj] [speaking Urdu] Kya haal hai.
-All good.

You here for the polyester trash garbage?

Or, [in French] Crêpe de Chine?

I'm ready to throw down.

Put it on the card.

I'm good for it.

Beautiful fabric. Oh!

Broke. Broke.

♪ Home of the cutthroat,
notorious, y'all know how... ♪

Uh-oh.

Bag 'em all up.

I'm gonna need this in an extra small.

Uh... tell me about that javelin.

[both laughing]

♪ I got money ♪

[both exhale]

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

-[massage chair buzzing]
-[sighing]

This is so good.

Oooh! Hoo!

-Oh!
-Bro, try this.

Ah!

[Mir] It's gonna blow your mind.

-[Raj sipping]
-[Mir grunting]

Oh! What is that? Pistachio milk?

Eighteen bucks a quart. We are so back.

-So good.
-[cell phone chimes]

[Mir] Oh, my God.

Reza just texted me.

He said the board wants
to meet us tomorrow.

Oh.

Hey, um, crazy pitch.

What if we... didn't do a m*rder?

You know? What if we
just paid Ahmad off, you know?

Just got back to this.

What are you talking about, dude?

We're on our way to being part
of the criminal elite,

-like Max.
-[knife sharpening]

-[exhales sharply]
-But if we k*ll Ahmad,

that will ruin everything.

This is about honor, not business.

Raj, you know I love Baba
just as much as you do.

Okay? But I'm choosing to honor his legacy

by making us real players in this game.

You know, like the Indian guy
that runs IBM.

Or the Indian guy that runs Google.

Or the Indian guy that runs YouTube.

Or the Pakistani guy who runs London.

Or the Pakistani guy
who's in Star Wars: Rogue One.

Or M. Night Shyamalan.

Or the Pakistani guy in One Direction.

Or the Indian guy that sings
Chocolate Rain, which in my opinion

is one of the greatest songs
of the 20th century.

[massage chair beeps]

-[automated voice] Your massage is ending.
-Mir...

we are k*lling him.

[chair whirring]

Now, I'm gonna go take a piss.

[whirring continues]

And maybe more,
'cause I've had four Pakolas,

and this latte is really cranking
through my system right now.

[metallic weapons clinking]

And I'm taking my vest.

And don't get all butthurt!

You can yell your big feelings
through the door.

You're not a m*rder*r, Raj!

[sighs]

[♪ percussive music playing]

And I think the universe agrees.

Oh, great. Yeah, citing the universe.

Excellent. Good for you.

-But Ahmad k*lled Baba.
-Uh-huh.

An eye for an eye, Mir.

For most of human history,
this was standard practice.

I was just born in the wrong multiverse.

Hey, I was wondering,
what's the best multiverse thing?

It's Ant-Man, right?

Ant-Man?!

What are you even...
Actually, Ant-Man is not that bad.

What's the worst one, is-- It was--

-WandaVision wasn't really bad.
-[door slams]

The SFX from the Spider-Verse verse

was so good it retriggered
my best ayahuasca visuals.

Mm.

[handle rattling, door thumping]

Hello?
[knocking]

Mir?

Mir, the door's stuck!

[door banging]

Are you not even here?

Are you going to pay Ahmad?!

Goddammit, Mir!

[♪ percussive music playing]

[thuds, grunting]

[tires screeching]

[Raj grunting]

[car horns honking]

No, no, no, Raj! What are you doing?

What are you doing?!
We have to k*ll Ahmad.

No, we don't.

Is that a bag of cash?

Yeah.

Put the bag down.

Put your swords down.

-I will if you will.
-[Mir] Fine.

-Count of three. Okay?
-Okay.

-One...
-One...

-Two...
-Two...

Three-- Oh!

Son of a b*tch!

[both grunting]

[clattering]

[groaning]

[Mir] Raj! Raj!

No, no, no, no, no!

-[tires screeching]
-Oh, sh*t!

You're gonna screw everything up!

[can clangs]

Okay, it's here.

[vehicle slowly approaching]

sh*t!

Oh, sh*t.

It's a driverless car.

[car engine whirring]

Uh, hi, uh, uh, robot.

I-I'm actually in a huge f*cking hurry,

so if you can, uh, start going,
that'd be really good.

Oh, what the f*ck? This is so slow!

I mean, I can walk faster than this.
Can you hurry up, please?

Stab the right arm.

Zip-tie the wrists.

Throw him in the trunk. You got this.

[eerie laughter]

Ah, son,

what are you doing?

Ghost Baba?
Damn, these mushrooms are hitting.

I'm gonna get you justice.

And what will that get you?

-Closure.
-You're not a k*ller, Raj.

You're the heart of this family.

I'm just not beating the way I used to.

Things are different now.

I wanted to protect you from this life

because I wanted you to be better than me.

So you didn't have to do
the things I did to survive.

Go be with your brother, he's family.

And be who you are.

And let go of me.

-Hmm?
-[Raj sighs]

Okay.

I'll do what I can.

I just...

wish you would stay.

[sighs]

-I'm sorry.
-[metallic clattering]

I have to defy you, Ghost Baba.

[razor whip scraping]

[♪ menacing music playing]

f*cking as*h*le!

Raj?

[Ahmad laughing]

What the hell is this?
You're like Porno Rambo.

Hello, you dirty old f*ck!

Evening, you mush-brained c**t.

-Ugh.
-Yeah, I can say that

'cause I'm British, it's allowed.

Do you think I'm afraid of you?

Your old man was a twat,

-but at least he was tough.
-[breathing heavily]

You, my son...

you're soft.

I was soft.

I got hard as soon as you k*lled my dad.

What? Ooh!

Where'd you get the kukri?

-Same place I got my razor whip.
-[metallic clattering]

Oh, stop it, Raj,
you're not gonna k*ll me.

You don't have it in you.

And where's my money?

You Dars are going down,

and I do not intend to go down with you.

No.

We're leveling up.

-Oh, shut up.
-You shut up.

Chadwater's all over your asses.

It's only a matter of time
before it all comes crumbling down.

You know what?
Why don't you shut the f*ck up

before I k*ll you old-school.

[Baba] [voice echoing]
You're the heart of this family.

Alright, I'll get out.

Go.

But when they come to haul
your asses off to jail,

I'll be laughing my a*s off.

[cackling]

Just like that.

[cackling]

[cackling continues]

-[speaking Urdu] Mazey karein.
-[gasps]

[glasses clink]

You're speaking Urdu now?

Just trying to impress you. Is it working?

[speaking Spanish]
Le gusta se habla Español?

[speaking Spanish] Sí muchísimo.

-[chuckles]
-Qué bueno!

-Okay, okay, okay.
-Hmm?

We have to focus.

We just need Chadwater
to be distracted by something else.

[door opens]

Mr. Sugar, you should turn on the news.

We've gotten word that District Attorney,

and openly g*y mayoral candidate,

Andrew Chadwater is holding
an emergency press conference

about this shocking expl*si*n in Fishtown.

-[TVs continue playing]
-Well, well, well.

Looks like we got our distraction
without lifting a finger.

[reporter] Let's go live now,
with Mr. Andrew Chadwater.

Friends, neighbors,

you folks,

this violence is part

of the rampant drug crime
plaguing Philadelphia.

What the Sam Hill
is happening to our city?

Detectives have identified
the body as Saeed Ahmad

and have located the primary
and only suspect.

And I plan to prosecute him
to the full extent of the law.

Goshdarnit.

[crowd applauding]

-[cheering and applause]
-Say heck no to drugs!

You guys are the real stars.

-[door bangs open]
-Police! Hands in the air!

Eissa Ibrahim Dar, you are under arrest
for first-degree m*rder.

It's Raj.

[♪ "a*mo" by MOO$H playing]

♪ I got the hits for sure
I don't do none of this sh*t for show ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm a business man
but I'm pulling up with a p*stol, though ♪

♪ I was at Barton G's
I'm takin' all of this sh*t to go ♪

♪ f*ck what it is, she f*ck with the kid
My shawty was gettin low ♪

♪ Feel like I'm really the nicest
I got us out of the crisis ♪

♪ I wish somebody would write this ♪

♪ They gotta know what the price is ♪

♪ I got 'em feeling so anxious
I'm at the top of the rankings ♪

♪ I took it back to the basics
I'm cold, go get him a blanket ♪

♪ Two times number one
a hundred mil then I'm done ♪

♪ Doing deals in the sun
told y'all I'll get it done ♪

♪ Big move, she a boss
big crib like Ross ♪

♪ All y'all... play it out
and watered down like VOSS ♪

♪ Yeah, shawty's on the ballot
they all valid ♪

♪ She a ten but I kept it gully ♪

♪ I'm not hittin', we just friends ♪

♪ Went and bought a trouble
'cause I can't f*ck up the Benz ♪

♪ I don't play the curb
'cause I can't f*ck up the rims ♪

♪ I got hits
now they jumpin' out the bando ♪

♪ She a freak
says she like to go commando ♪

♪ I'm the goat, I don't even got a Lambo ♪

♪ I'm fully loaded
I'm not running out of a*mo ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'm fully loaded
I'm not running out of a*mo ♪

[♪ fanfare playing]

♪♪