01x08 - Trick or Treat

[bunniefuu]

♪ New boy in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to
take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want, I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪♪

Buddy Lembeck
and Diana Marks.

I approve, Buddy,
and you wanna know why?

Class.

You see, Diana's got class.

And for the first
time in your life,

you've got a date
with a classy girl.

Congratulations.

-Thank you!
-You're welcome.

Now, how are we gonna
get me out of it?

Charles!

Yes, Jason.

I need you
and I need you now.

Tonight's Halloween
and I still don't know

what to go as.

Why don't you put
a drink on your head

and go as an end table.

Why don't we give you back
and I'll go as an only child.

And what about
your sister?

Do with her
what you will.

Charles, I'll just stay
here with you tonight

and help you
pass out candy.

Buddy, why would you wanna get
out of a date with Diana Marks?

[scoffs]

Because what if
she goes out with me

and finds out she doesn't
wanna go out with me?

But she already wants
to go out with you.

Why take a chance on ruining
a wonderful relationship?

Because one of us should
have a date tonight.

And I gave up mine
with Gwendolyn

because Mr. Pembroke
asked me to stay home

and pass out candy
to the lovely children

of the neighborhood,

so they don't
string up the cat.

-Charles.
-Lila.

You're supposed to be our
live-in family helper, right?

Uh-huh.

Well, I need your
live-in family help.

Okay.

Sally Stefanato
is throwing her

annual Halloween party,

and no matter
what I go as,

I know it won't
be original enough.

Hmm.

I got it.

Why don't you go as Prince?

Are you kidding?

Everybody's going as Prince.

How am I supposed
to go as Prince?

I've no idea what it
sounds like when doves cry.

See, Charles,
it's not actually me

she's attracted to.

Buddy, if she wasn't
attracted to you,

she wouldn't have said yes.

You're just nervous because...

this is the first
girl you can bring

into the sunlight.

It has to be
something outrageous.

It has to be something
nobody in the world

would think of.

Now, where can I get
that kind of help?

Excuse me.

Charles, I'm just nervous

because the guy she
said yes to was me

at the absolute
top of my form.

Buddy, what are
you talking about?

I'm talking about perfection.

I'm talking about
in the three minutes

that we talked...

I transcended myself.

I'm talking about my
clothes were perfect.

I had perfect
control of my voice.

I knew exactly
how much arch

to put in my eyebrows,

and the sun was
backlighting me.

Charles, once in a lifetime

a man has a moment.

I had mine.

You gotta take my
word for it, Charles,

I was Rudolph Valentino.

-He's dead.
-So am I.

Jason, the answer is no!

Charles!

Don't go running to Charles.

The case is closed.

Yeah?

I finally decide
what I wanna be

for Halloween,

and my mother won't let me.

He wants to be
a ghostbuster.

What's wrong with that?

Well, we have to
define ghostbuster.

He wants to go out
with his friends

and beat up children in sheets.

I ain't afraid of no ghosts.

I agree with
your mother, Jason.

Jason, we'll get
in the car,

we'll buy you a costume.

All right, Buddy,
where were we?

In the Student Union
with Diana Marks.

Consider, if you will,

Diana Marks.

A gorgeous and classy
female specimen

who had no idea,

as her gorgeous
and classy legs

strolled into the room,

that she was about to
enter the Buddy Zone.

I'm gonna call
her and cancel.

No, you are not.

Buddy, come on.

You're gonna go out and
you're gonna have fun.

Charles...

I'm just not classy
enough for her.

Yes, Lila, I can design
a Douglas Pembroke

Halloween original
for you tonight.

Thank you, Douglas,
you're a good brother.

And I guarantee
you'll be the hit

of this party,

and retain this
popularity you so crave.

Thank you, Douglas.

You're a good brother.

Now...

as for my fee.

I got two bucks and
a ticket to the moon.

Money?

You think I'd accept
your American dollars

for my creativity?

Well, what do you want?

Frogs, insects?

-Charles.
-Douglas?

I've been studying you
since you've lived here,

and I can't help noticing
your preoccupation with women.

And it dawns on me that
I'll grow up someday

and require women, too.

No, no, no, Douglas.

"Require" is not the
right term in this sense.

Oh, what is?

How about "enjoy
the company of"?

Charles.

He enjoys the
company of raccoons.

In any case,
that's my fee.

Women?

You want Lila to
introduce you to women?

Not now.

But upon my, um...

awakening.

Whenever that might be.

Douglas, how did you come up
with this method of payment?

By watching you, Charles.

I mean, it isn't hard
to notice you spending

every minute of your day

actively engaged in
the pursuit of women.

What does that mean?

It means everything
you do is for the women.

Oh, Douglas,
you're crazy.

Oh, yeah?

Describe your day
after you wake up.

Take a shower.

To be clean
for the women.

I brush my teeth.

To have good breath
for the women.

-I go to school.
-That's where the women are.

That's where I
get an education.

Why?

So, I can get
a good job.

-Why?
-So I can support myself.

-And?
-And my w--

--oman?

--Ife.

Wife.

Which is something
I understand

and you don't yet, Douglas,

believe it or not.

It's just that
my time is valuable.

And when I reach your age,

why should I spend all
of it in pursuit of women?

When Lila is a future source
of an inexhaustible supply.

Not now, but someday.

Agreed?

Well, what would
you do with one?

I don't know.

Agreed.

That's fine.

That's good.

What could be wrong
with the natural,

healthy pursuit of women?

Charles, there's nothing
wrong with the pursuit.

It's when they say "yes"
that my life is over.

Children, dinner's
on the table!

You know, actually,
I was involved in

a similar episode
when I was in college

where I dated this girl
that I thought was far

classier than I was.

Oh, really, Stan?

Don't think I know
about this one.

Oh, yeah, I just never thought

I was in the same
league with her.

She was absolutely
stunning to look at.

I mean, the guys just fell
all over themselves for her.

Me included, I remember.

Sounds like Diana.

Sounds like Gwendolyn.

You better be pointing to me.

Good!

You get to eat.

But Jill...

how can this satisfy
my hunger when it's...

you that I crave?

Sounds good to me.

Give me the chicken.

Dinner!

Buddy, are you sure
you won't join us?

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Pembroke,

but this date's for dinner
that I'm not going on.

You're going.

Help.

Children, dinner now!

Stan...

Children, dinner, now.

-Coming!
-Coming!

I gotta learn
how you do that.

-Help?
-What?

Help, I'm sitting here in
need of my best friend's help.

Buddy, you don't
need my help.

You need psychiatric help.

She said "yes" to you.

I'm telling you
she said "yes" to me

when she thought
I was Clark Gable.

He's dead.

So am I.

Unless I get your help.

Well, we all need
Charles' help.

What we need around here
is another Charles.

Oh, and here he is now.

Trick or treat.

Well...

Thank you, Jason.

I'm very flattered.

Why?

I'm going as Frankenstein.

Charles, I'm supposed to meet
Diana at the Student Union.

So, how about if
you get there first?

I'm listening.

All you have to do
is drop your book

in front of her,
she'll pick it up,

and you'll say hello.

That's how I met Gwendolyn.

Well, that was
an accident.

This is on purpose.

Buddy, I can't drop
any books tonight, okay?

The only thing I'm
gonna be dropping

is little Halloween candy

into little Halloween bags

to keep the kids from
stringing up the cat.

Jason, don't wolf
down your food.

You're not chewing.

But I wanna start
trick or treating!

All the good candy
will be gone.

They'll be down to fruit.

Jason, you have
until 8:30 for that.

That's almost three hours.

Now, eat like a person.

The chicken would've
wanted it that way.

Charles, it'll
take two minutes.

Start up a little
conversation with her

and find out what she likes
and what she doesn't like.

Oh, no!

What?

I swallowed a big piece.

It's past my throat,

it's gliding down
my esophagus,

it's past my ribs,
it bounced,

it's heading up
past my ribs,

into my esophagus
back past my throat.

It's here!

Look!

Stan, do something.

Jason, that was
the funniest thing

I've ever seen.

Look, Charles--

Buddy, you know what'll
take two minutes?

You go to the
Student Union,

you start a
conversation with her,

you meet her mother,
you eat her tuna casserole,

you marry her, and
you ask her what to do.

Happy Halloween!

I'm a washer.

I'm a dryer.

I decided I'd
go to this party

and take notes
on Lila's friends

for future reference.

Of course.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

At least take
something to eat.

Should've given
them a load to do.

I'm outta here, too.

I've got candy to collect.

Be back at 8:30.

Nine o'clock.

Eight o'clock.


You drive a hard bargain, kid.

You're free to go.

You're free to go, too, Charles.

I'm sure the house
will stay standing

while you help Buddy
solve his love life.

Oh, thank you,
thank you, sir.

I really appreciate this.

I'm gonna name my
first born after you.

Mr. Pembroke-Lembeck.

[knocking]

I got it.

Ooh!

Hi!

Trick or treat.

Ooh!

A princess.

Ooh, a hobo.

Can we have two?

Well, then there
won't be anything left

for the other children.

That's okay.

We understand.

Here, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Okay, there you go.

There you go,
trick or treat.

Thanks!

Bye.

Come back at 8:30, Charles.

'Cause I'm going
out into the night,

and I'm gonna
have adventure.

So, be back,

and you can see
my candy, okay, Charles?

Okay, Charles.

Not yet, give him a minute.

Have a good night, Charles.

Thank you.

And good luck, Buddy.

Okay, let's go.

Charles, will you talk
to Diana for me?

Find out what
her interests are?

Just find out what she likes
and what she doesn't like.

Oh, and pass it onto you.

So you can conveniently have
the same likes and dislikes,

and then she'll think
you've got great taste.

Yes, please, yes!

No, please, no, Buddy.

I have a very bad feeling
about these sort of things.

Why?

Because it always goes
wrong on I Love Lucy.

But this is my life.

Just drop the book.

What could
possibly go wrong?

♪

-Hi.
-Hello.

♪

Gwendolyn.

♪

♪

Gwendolyn,
this isn't what you think.

Oh, I'm not thinking
that it's anything.

What are you
thinking it's not?

No, I mean,
I set this up.

This is for my benefit.

Thank you, I'm sure
you're being a wonderful

friend to Charles by
trying to cover for him,

but there's absolutely
nothing to cover him from.

-There's not?
-Of course not!

Charles and I have an
open and mature relationship.

He can drop his book in front
of any woman he wants to.

I can pick up any
man's book I choose.

Since when?

Since now.

I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

You seem like you're
waiting for someone.

Well, yes, actually
I am expecting a date.

Um...

Uh, Charles.

Oh, no, I wasn't trying
to find out your name.

I was just concerned that
if my date noticed us,

he might misinterpret us
sitting here like this.

Really?

Well, only because
it's a first date,

and you know how important
first impressions are.

Oh, yes, I've been told.

And I'd like to make
a good one if I can.

You mean on him?

You wanna make a good
impression on him?

Yeah.

So, if you could just
move over a step or two

so he won't
think anything.

Okay.

Well, maybe another half.

This okay here?

Yeah, thank you.

I know this is crazy,

it's just that it's so
rare that I meet someone

with the potential of
this guy this afternoon.

And I wanna take
every precaution

not to drive him away.

In case he's
the jealous type.

Well, maybe it'd be
better if I left.

Oh, no, no,
you seem very nice.

Fire's warm, you
should stay if you want.

Thank you.

But you should turn around.

What?

Don't face me.

Okay.

And read your book.

You're probably thinking
this is really silly.

No, not at all.

As a matter of fact,
I'm thinking whoever

your date is...

he's a very lucky guy.

No, I'm the lucky one.

Do you know
what time it is?

Uh...

it's five after.

You're not gonna
leave, are you?

Are you kidding?

I'm just hoping that
I haven't missed him.

You know, this isn't
such a large school.

Maybe I know him.

Buddy Lembeck,
have you heard of him?

This is amazing!

What?

Buddy and I happen
to be best friends.

Sit, sit, sit!

You have to tell me
everything you know about him,

everything that
he's interested in.

You're kidding?

No!

What should I talk about

so that I'll stay
interesting to him?

I-I honestly think you'd
stay interesting to him

no matter what
you're talking about.

Start with his
strength of character.

What?

In the three minutes
that we talked,

I could recognize
his tremendous

self assurance.

Please, please, please, please

believe me, Gwendolyn.

About what?

The Diana Marks,
who I happen

to know and respect,

and who turns
down dates

with men in med school

is patiently waiting
to go out with you?

Or that even though
I know Charles meets her

the same way
that he meets me,

he's really only
doing you a favor?

Yes!

I don't wanna
be the reason

for you and Charles
being mad at each other.

I want him to come to
that decision on his own.

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

But please, stop doing that.

I am beginning to like
it and it scares me.

Then you believe me?

No.

He said more
wonderful things

in three minutes
than I've heard

in whole relationships.

And he knew how
to speak, too.

How to really
use his voice.

He oozes culture.

If that was Buddy in
the first three minutes,

I can't wait to hear
his views on world hunger,

and the balance of power.

And the sun was
glowing off him.

He looked like
a combination

of Harrison Ford
and Richard Gere.

What happened to Valentino

and Clark Gable?

They're dead.

We're all dead.

Very nice meeting you, Diana.

Oh, if you see him...

would you tell him
that I'm waiting here?

I will.

Gwendolyn, you have nothing
to worry about with Charles.

He cares about you.

Believe me, I know,
because I ask him

what happens on your dates
and he won't tell me.

Don't drop your book at me,

I'm not picking it up.

Gwendolyn, you like
me for me, right?

I mean, you know
what I look like,

and you know what
I sound like,

and you know what I am?

And your impressions
of me are similar

to my impressions
of me, correct?

My impressions were
that you were at home

giving out Halloween candy.

I love our relationship.

Told you.

Buddy...

Talk to me.

-What do you want me to say?
-Just talk.

Hi, Charles.

Like my socks?

Buddy...

Bud...

You must never
see this girl again

as long as you live.

I knew this would happen.

I told you, and you
didn't believe me.

Hey...

What are we doing back here?

I promised Jason
I'd come back

and listen to
his adventures

and look at his candy.

Charles, what am I gonna do?

Buddy...

you wanted to be classy, right?

Sure!

Well, I'm gonna ask you to
think classily right now, okay?

Is this gonna
involve love and sex?

That's up to you.

Yes.

Hi, hi!

How was the party?

Great, and we were the
only appliance there.

Oh, good!

And Douglas, what were your
first impressions of women?

I watched them,
I listened to them.

There's something about 'em.

Welcome to the world.

Come on,
into the kitchen.

Buddy, you were right.

You are not real
in her mind.

You've become
her fantasy figure.

And now you've
got a choice.

You can go on
this date with her,

step out of fantasy,
and become real...

which could only be
a disappointment to her.

Or you can give up
one date...

to live forever in her mind.

Charles, if I did go
on this date with her,

do you think she would--

Buddy...

based on her
predisposition to you,

I think she would anything.

Once.

'Cause then she'll know you.

And then you're
on your own.

On the other hand,
if you don't see her...

her memory of you
will grow stronger

as time passes.

And Buddy, if you
don't see her...

Diana Marks
will never, ever

have better than you.

They followed me!

We didn't want you
to get hurt, honey.

I'm humiliated!

Jason.

None of your friends saw us.

You didn't even see us.

You are 10 years old.

None of my friends'
parents followed them.

How do you know that, Jason?

This could be going
on in every house

in the neighborhood.

It's either follow you
or not let you go at all.

Yeah, and then you wouldn't
have gotten all that candy.

I'll think about it.

Sounds fair.

Wanna see what I got?

-Yeah!
-Yeah!

-Woo!
-Whoa!

We have some, too.

Well, let's put it here.

Whoa!

On the other hand...

there's something very
special about this night...

that you could knock
on someone's door and...

it's okay if they
don't really know you.

They'll still smile
and give you candy.

And this only happens
one night a year.

Understand what
I'm telling you?

You're telling me that
tonight's the night.

Charles...

do you think Diana's
still waiting for me?

All night.

And Gwendolyn's probably still
at the Student Union, too.

Uh-huh.

♪

♪

of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪♪